Empty Nest (1988) s03e19 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on dreyfuss, you wanna hear your horoscope? Travel plans are in your immediate future.
Morning, dreyf.
After breakfast, I'll take you for a nice long walk.
Wow.
Weird.
Hey, honey.
Can I have the paper, please.
Front page or sports section? Oh, no, the gardening section, please.
I wanna read Laura's column.
Oh, daddy, I'm sorry.
I forgot you were still going out with her.
- Hmm.
- You must really like her to be reading all this boring stuff.
Well, I mean, yeah, I do like her.
But I also find her column rather interesting.
Listen to this "The hidden danger of root rot lies in over watering.
However, a nitrogen-based fertilizer can" welp, that's pretty much got the gist of that.
Daddy, listen to my horoscope.
A dark foreboding presence will soon enter your life.
- Morning, everyone.
- Wow, weird times two.
Hi, westons.
I wanted you to be the first to hear I volunteered to be part of a medical experiment.
What, there's a savant who needs an idiot transplant? Wrong, Carol.
This is about sex.
You remember sex? It's what your husband used to have with all those other women.
So, Charley, what's the experiment? Well, this group of researchers is testing a new drug.
It's supposed to help men who have a low sex drive.
Charley, I didn't know you had a low sex drive.
I don't.
Let me explain.
This is the sex drive of the average guy.
This is me.
This is me on miracle drug.
Notice the increased distance between me an average guy.
Charley, let me explain.
This is the brain of a moron.
This is your brain.
I don't get it.
Anyway, bye, Carol, Barbara, average guy.
Hmm.
Harry, did you have a chance to read my column this morning? Yes, yes, yes, I i saw it all right.
Oh, I'm so glad.
I'm always afraid people use my column to line their bird cages, hmm.
Laura, come on.
There's Lots of other uses for you column.
But, you know, I've always wanted to try my hand at gardening.
It seems like such a satisfying way Harry, I hate gardening.
Good move, not mentioning that in your column.
Well, I feel so frustrated.
As a writer, I feel like I have a lot to say, but I'm stuck writing articles like "annuals vs.
Perennials.
Will the rivalry ever cease?" Well, dear, I mean, if you're so unhappy with your gardening column, why don't you try writing something else? Oh, believe me.
I'd love to.
- So? Why don't you? - Hmm.
I'm scared, I guess.
Laura, come on.
Now, you're a very good writer.
Just find a subject that you're passionate about, and take the risk and trust yourself.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You're a very supportive man, Harry.
It's easy.
I believe in you.
You know, I've really enjoyed this time we've spent together.
Yeah, I've had a good time, too.
Well, um Uh, this is getting cold.
Oh.
Hmm, I should get the waiter.
Uh, no need.
Just give it here.
Here.
Yeah.
All right? All right.
Just say when.
Sorry.
When.
Hi, Laverne, is Harry around? Dr.
Weston is a very busy man with no time for the likes of you.
He is a professional who has dedicated his life to the treatment of the sick.
Ah, here you go.
With one more twist, Mr.
balloon becomes Mr.
rooster! Cock-a-doodle-doo! And to think, one more week I could've been head cashier at Piggly wiggly.
Harry, I gotta talk to you.
Come in.
Charley, what is it? Something terrible has happened.
The experiment Backfired.
I've lost all interest in sex.
Harry, I'm scared.
Well, Charley, did you talk to the doctors? Yeah, they gave me some fancy medical mumbo-jumbo.
What does "c'est la vie" mean? "There's always hope.
" Well, I'd like to believe that, Harry.
But the doctors said they don't know how long till I'm back to normal.
It could be weeks, months, maybe never.
What's it like to have no sex drive, Harry? Leave me out of this, Charley.
Oh, sure, you got your memories of all those flappers in your rumble seat.
But at about me? So much of my energy is devoted to sex.
How will I fill my days? Charley, stop expecting the worse.
Come on, now.
This is Charley dietz we're talking about.
The dietzter.
Come on.
You'll turn this sex drive thing around in no time.
I bet, you're right.
Those researchers, they don't know anything.
I bet my sex drive is just fine.
Nice cap.
- Oh, no! - Oh, I know.
It's fine! - Good morning, ladies.
- Both: Morning.
Morning daddy.
You want the sports section, or the business section? No, dear.
The gardening column, please.
Oh, I'm sorry, daddy.
I wrapped the fish in it.
No I didn't, I wrapped it in the comics.
Oh, that's just great, Carol.
You know I read beetle Bailey.
Give me that flounder.
That sarge.
It's like he's insane.
Here it is, daddy.
Wait a minute.
This isn't Laura's regular gardening column.
- What do you mean? - It's got a new title.
It's called a woman's point of view.
- Oh.
- Yeah, listen.
"This gardening reporter is turning over a new leaf" by dealing with a new subject matter: "The relationship between men and women.
" Oh, that's great.
Laura said she wanted to write about other stuff.
Go on.
Tsk.
"I've recently gone out several times" with a man whom I shall call Barry.
" Wow, daddy, that's close to your name.
Oh, Barbara, you twit.
This is obviously about daddy.
Carol, come on.
We don't know that for sure.
"Barry is a tall handsome charming man.
" She might as well have given up my address.
"A doctor with a slightly bumbling style.
" Bumbling? Where did she get is bumbling thing? Give me this over here.
- Thank you, dear.
- Let me see this.
"Though witty and urbane, "picking up signals "is not his strong suit.
"At lunch yesterday, I put my hand on his "and mentioned how much I enjoyed "the time we spent together.
The universal feminine sign for 'ask me out again.
'" "And how did he respond? 'I had a good time, too.
'" I didn't know that was a universal sign.
- Oh, daddy, wake up.
- Well, come on, dear.
I thought I was being really very charming.
Thank you so much, dear.
And it gets better.
"Though I ultimately had to ask him out myself, "it was a delightful afternoon with a terrific man.
"I look forward to seeing Barry on Friday night.
Stay tuned to this column for all the details.
" Ooh, I can't wait.
Yeah, well, just forget about it.
There are not gonna be any details.
This column is coming to an end right here and now.
I can't have this.
I'm one of Miami's most respected pediatricians.
- Good morning, Laverne.
- Good morning Barry.
Ah, you read Laura's column.
Oh, it had me on the edge of my seat, or to be more accurate, commode.
Lovely, Laverne.
- Ah Ah, Laura.
- Harry.
Harry, did you see the column? I did.
It had me on the edge of my seat, or to be more accurate shh, Laverne.
Thank you.
Laura, this is nurse, Laverne.
However, if you want to mention me in your column, you might refer to me as his loyal and long-sufferin' nurse, baverne.
Anyway, Harry, my editor loved the column.
And I'm getting a lot of great responses.
For the first time in in years, I feel like I'm a writer.
And I owe it all to you.
Well, I'm I'm I'm really I'm very very happy for you.
But i I've I gotta tell you that I'm a little You know, kind of uncomfortable about this column of yours.
I mean, I'm not used to seeing my my personal life in print.
Oh, Harry.
Tsk, and I got so caught up in my own enthusiasm, I didn't stop to consider your feelings.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, wait a minute.
I'm I'm probably just overreacting here.
It just caught me by surprise is all.
I mean, it's not like anybody's gonna know you're writing about me.
You did You changed my name.
Harry, you're a very generous and understanding man.
Well, I Maybe You might wanna mention that in your next column.
Good-bye, Harry.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
So the universal signal, huh? You like to go out Friday night? We already are.
Oh.
And what is this about? - I just like you.
- Oh, great.
So it means two things.
- Bye, Harry.
- Bye-bye.
See you on Thursday night.
Friday.
Right.
Hmm.
A charming man, but up in the clouds.
Both: Girls, uh, don't wait up for me tonight.
I'm having dinner over at Laura's house tonight.
We know, daddy.
It's right here in her column.
Daddy, looks like tonight's the big night.
Wait, wha-what do you mean? Well, daddy, everybody knows that when you invite someone to dinner that that's the universal feminine sign for "I want you.
" Really? I i thought it was the universal sign for "it's cheaper than eating out.
" Daddy, Laura's right.
Your head is in the clouds.
Yeah, daddy, it's like when a woman takes off her jacket and she says, "it's hot in here.
" Everybody knows what that really means.
All right, I mean, that ones obvious.
What does that mean? - "Take me.
" - Go to your room.
Daddy! Well, how is it you girls know all these sexual signals? Oh, daddy.
We're not nuns.
We've obviously never did.
Never will.
Not while I'm alive.
Oh, daddy, please.
I was married for three years.
Sorry it didn't work out.
I'm just glad it was never consummated.
I wonder who that is.
Charley, you, uh, knocked? Hi, may I come in? Sure.
So what do you guys think? Should I put the feeder in the front or in the back? Charley, this is a beautiful birdhouse.
Where did you buy it? Oh, I didn't buy it.
- I made it.
- You made that? Well, I still have to plane some of the joints, but yeah.
Charley, I never knew you were interested in woodworking.
I never was, but since I'm not dating any longer, I've a lot of free time.
Gee, I've always wanted to be able to build something like this.
Oh, Harry, I'd be happy to teach you.
Really? Well, thanks a lot, Charley.
Oh, no problem.
But it'll have to wait a bit.
Tomorrow I've volunteered to drive the bookmobile, and the next day's the beginning of the bridge tournament.
Charley, do you realize what's happening to you? All the energy you used to put into chasing women has now been freed up for all these wonderful new pursuits.
Charley, you're actually an interesting person.
It just took a medical experiment gone horribly wrong to bring that out.
Well, gee, thanks, Harry.
Hmm.
Well, I'd better be going.
Those blue jays will only wait so long.
Well, I gotta get going too.
Uh, how do I look? Very nice, daddy.
And very calm, considering the circumstances.
Thank you, dear.
What what circumstances? Well, daddy, if I was about to sleep with someone for the very first time, and I knew that everything I said and did, was gonna be all over the papers I'd be pretty scared.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear what you just said.
All right.
But as far as my being scared, I don't care what Laura writes.
I'm perfectly comfortable with who I am.
Oh! Hmm, Harry.
What have you got in there? Ah, the basics.
- Sweets for my sweet.
- Oh.
- Flowers for my flower.
- Oh.
Wine for my wino.
Just, you know, wine, you know.
May I take your hat? No, it's Not necessary.
I see you don't have a hat rack.
But you do have an open window.
Tsk.
- I'm sorry, Harry.
- That's-it's all right.
Nothing Just.
I'll hold on to my coat, though.
Uh, would you like to do the honors? Yes, yes, yeah, it'd be my pleasure.
After all, wine is indeed the elixir of love.
Oh, uh! Let me get the price tag off there.
Excuse me.
Well, I can't get it off but I'd like you to know it was a lot ninety five.
Harry, I have the feeling this article I'm writing, is making you uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable? Ha! Does that sound like I'm uncomfortable? Ha! Ha! Harry, you're screwing the cork in.
- Have you ever been to Paris? - Not in years.
Huh, that's the way they're doing it there now.
Um, I think I'll take my jacket off.
It's getting hot in here.
Oh, my god.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm a Ah, Laura, I really am.
Why, I'll get a new one.
Don't worry about it, Harry.
- It's not expensive.
- Oh, god.
Laura, I'm sorry.
I just I don't think this evening was meant to be.
I I know.
Forgive me.
It's I'll just I'll just Would you consider postponing dinner for a little while? Harry, ha, it's like you read my mind.
Ha ha ha ha, there's no missing those signals.
Oh, where's the paper? Can you believe that, dreyfuss? no newspaper.
Now I know how How actors feel waiting for the reviews, I don't know.
I mean, I don't know what I'm worried about here.
Yeah, I mean, I did I i did fine last night.
If you ask me, I mean, if I were Laura writing about me, I would use words like Excellent and Superb And magnificent Able to leap tall buildings in one bound.
I mean, I'm exaggerating here, but, I mean, I Obviously I was Quite good.
I mean, I mean, when I left, she had this Beautiful smile on her face, you know.
Unless she was mocking me.
Come to think of it, that smile looked a whole lot more like a smirk.
How dare she ridicule me? Where did she get off writing a horrible article about me, dreyf? Ah, there's there's just no pleasing this lady.
None.
It's here.
The paper is here.
Fine.
That's it.
Finished.
Dead, right? Just public humiliation here.
Fine.
This is it, dreyf.
Hey! Whoo! I beg you a pardon, dreyf.
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, how about that? Good morning, Laverne.
Fine morning this morning, wouldn't you say? Well, look at the newspaper's star, strutting in here like a vainy rooster.
Don't forget your hat flew out the window.
- Ah, Laura.
- Hi, Harry.
Did you see the column this morning? I don't recall.
What was it about? Oh, my god.
Of course, I read it.
I loved it.
I mean, the whole thing.
I loved the whole thing.
I was up at five o'clock this morning waiting for the paper.
I was a nervous wreck.
I didn't know if I was a hit or a flop, and then the paper came.
I read it, and you gave me that rave review.
I was What am I talking about here? What am I doing? What is this? This is not what I should be saying to The lovely woman I had a wonderful evening with.
I should be excited about what happened between us, not how you reported it.
What are you getting at? Laura, I mean, I don't know.
I mean, I don't think our relationship can work if you're gonna continue to To write about us.
I'm sorry you feel that way, Harry.
All: Michael row the boat ashore Hallelujah Michael row the boat ashore Hallelujah Oh, Charley, I thank you so much.
You've really helped take my mind off of this whole thing with Laura.
- Hmm.
- Well, isn't that really what folk music is all about? Oh, Charley, do another one.
Oh, I'd like to, but I should be going.
I'm doing some fund-raising for the Miami foundlings home.
Oh, can't it wait? - Carol, the children.
- You're right.
Charley, I gotta tell you.
I mean, I'm real sorry you lost your sex drive and all, but I've so enjoyed having you around the house these last few days.
Yeah, it's been great.
You've even turned me around, Charley.
You've become the friend and neighbor we've always wanted.
Oh.
Gee, thanks, Harry.
And, you know, I don't even miss the old me, that life I led, it was empty Pointless, it was going nowhere but Now I got this feeling of Oh, boy.
- What? What is it, Charley? - Ah, ah I think maybe my sex drive is coming back.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
It's official.
I'm back.
Well, see you.
I got some meaningless relationships to pursue.
I got it.
I got it.
Ah, Laura.
Hi.
Harry, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah.
Well, yeah, sure.
Carol, Barbara, this is Laura.
Say good-bye to Laura.
Harry, I i wanted to bring you tomorrow's edition of the paper.
I i thought you might find my column interesting.
Laura, you really You know how I feel about you writing about us.
Will you just take a look, Harry? "Coming out of my office today, "I was greeted by that most unpleasant of sights: "A parking ticket on my car.
"And so began my journey to the maze of Miami's bureaucratic red tape.
" I don't get it.
What does this got to do with us? Absolutely nothing.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Laura Well, you see, Harry, I thought a lot about what you told me today and I.
There's a lot of things I could write about, but There aren't many men like you Oh.