Family Ties (1982) s03e19 Episode Script

## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## We can't love Each other through ## ## Ooh-hoo ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## Oh, oh, I'm telling you, Dad.
From this angle, he is the spitting image.
I completely disagree, Alex.
Well, Dad, will you come over to this side, take a look.
Alex, that's enough.
He does not look like Richard Nixon.
Maybe someday.
He is a sweet-looking baby.
I can't wait to take some pictures with this new camera.
I- I don't know, Dad.
I mean, uh, not so good with cameras.
Alex, this talking camera is the easiest camera in the world.
Tells you what to do every step of the way.
It is foolproof.
Load film now.
See? See? Load film now.
Uh, you want me to help you, Dad? Alex, you're supposed to be helping me with my homework.
It's important.
Baby pictures are important too.
You know, my child psychology professor says maladjusted, even of subnormal intelligence.
My light bulb's out in my bedroom.
What are we gonna do now? Sometimes all three.
Oh, good.
We're all here for the pictures! Mom, will you please help me with my homework? Uh, maybe later, honey.
Your dad has his new camera and he's anxious to use it.
And it's all set and ready to go.
Okay.
First, we'll need, uh, mother and baby.
Then, uh, big sister and baby.
Then, uh, mother, big sister and baby by the sofa.
And then the sofa by the bassinet.
Maybe by the window Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dad D- Dad, time-out, time-out.
Look, there are five regular people here and one baby.
Now, the, uh, possible permutations of pictures with the baby are 178.
With each piece of furniture, the number's gonna go into the millions.
Well, then we better get going.
Um, so let's start with mother and baby.
Oh, that's perfect! Don't move! Load film now.
Wait a second.
I I know what's wrong.
You press this and that and that.
Film exposed.
Why you Whoa, Dad, whoa! Break it up, you guys! Come on, break it up.
Look, Dad.
We'll talk to it, okay? We'll make it understand.
It lied to me, Alex.
Will you three be quiet, please? I'm trying to do my homework.
Okay, come on.
Let's Let's get the group shot now.
Mother holding baby.
Come on, everybody, take your places.
Jennifer, you're blocking the baby.
Well, this is where I always stand for family pictures.
Where do you want me to stand now? W Just Just move over to one side or the other, it doesn't matter, as long as that little guy's in the middle.
Come on, Jen.
Come on.
Over here.
Let's go, let's get this over with.
Okay.
Here we go.
Okay.
Smile.
Come on, Andrew.
Smile.
Smile.
Load film now.
Thank you for making breakfast this morning, Mallory.
Andy kept me up most of the night.
Yeah, I heard.
I'm sorry.
Did he wake you up too? A little bit, but I don't mind.
Out of all your sons, he's the one I'd rather hear babble.
Good morning, everybody.
Time for an empirical demonstration of sensory influences on infants.
See what I mean? What are you doing with that stuff, Alex? Well, Mom, I just wanna make sure that Andrew has all the proper influences.
The earlier he gets started, the better athlete he's gonna be.
Yo, Andy, listen up.
This big guy is a football.
This is what America is all about.
Teamwork, competition, shaving points, bone-crushing tackles, playing in pain, spitting blood.
That's enough baby talk, Alex.
Where's Dad? He promised to take me to Chrissie's today.
He'll be back in a few minutes.
He went to get the baby pictures developed.
Dad promised to take me! Well, he'll be back in a minute.
I don't want to wait a minute, I want him now.
I'm tired of waiting.
He promised to take me.
He promised.
Take it easy, honey.
He will be here.
Yo! There he is! Hi, Dad.
Did you get the pictures, Dad? Yeah.
But I had to wait 15 minutes for the store to open.
I've had it.
I'm turning this kitchen into a darkroom.
No way.
Let me see.
Let me see, let me see.
Whoa! Good shot.
Look at him.
Look at him.
He's laughing.
Who's that, huh? Who's that, huh? Who's that? Dad, you were supposed to take me to Chrissie's early today.
I have to study, remember? Are you ready to go? I don't think so.
I- I was so anxious to, uh To get the pictures, I forgot to get dressed.
Um, I'll be down in a minute, huh? Yeah, I gotta get dressed too.
Oh, this is great.
Oh, oh.
I-I should put 'em in the album.
We don't want to get fingerprints on 'em.
Will you look after Andy for a minute, honey.
Yeah, sure, Mom.
Give me a chance to quiz him on the suicide blitz.
Alex, will you help me with my math? I have a test today.
Come on, big guy.
Listen, I'll show ya.
Alex, will you stop talking to the baby for two seconds! Okay, okay, Jennifer.
Oh, great.
Look what the baby did to my homework! He spilled milk all over it.
Nice going! Whoa, Jen Mommy, Daddy, the baby spilled milk Jennifer, it's not the baby's Mommy! Daddy! fault.
See, that's why I'm glad you're a guy.
We don't get upset over little things like spilled milk.
Aw! Mom! Mommy! What are you doing? I'm going in to get Andrew.
Steven, that'll be the fifth time you've picked him up since midnight.
Elyse, he's crying.
Honey, we've been through this before.
If you pick Andrew up every time he cries, he's never gonna stop crying.
Does that mean when he's 30, he'll still cry in his crib? Not if we bring him up right.
Elyse, how can you be so cruel? He's only been alone for four minutes.
Four minutes is a big chunk of his life, Elyse.
We're not gonna spoil this baby, Steven.
Come on, let's go back to bed.
Boy, has this kid got lungs.
Andrew, Andrew.
Elyse! Oh! Where you going? I was gonna straighten this picture.
Elyse.
Well, he's still crying, honey.
I thought you didn't want to spoil him.
I don't, but I can't bear to hear him cry.
He stopped crying.
Hm.
Is Andrew up again? Yeah.
We can't get him to go to sleep.
Oh, look, maybe we should sing to him.
Dad, we want him to sleep, not try and escape.
We should try singing.
We should try anything.
I've got to get to sleep.
We'll sing, we'll sing.
Wait a minute.
What are we gonna sing? Something for a baby.
Hey, do you know "Let's Get Crazy" by Prince? It was our wedding song.
Come on, come on.
No, come on.
I'm not singing anything by Prince.
Come on! I'm tired, let's just! ## Down by the old millstream ## ## Where I first met you ## ## You were 16 ## ## You were 16 ## ## My village queen ## ## My village queen ## ## Down by the old ## ## Millstream ## Good night.
Oh! Look, we can work this out.
We can work it out.
I know we can.
Now, what has stopped him from crying so far? When we went in there to sing, he stopped crying.
Go in there to sing, stopped crying.
When I brought him out here before, he stopped crying.
Bring him out here, stopped cry Okay, I've got it.
Come on.
What are we gonna do? Shh, shh.
What are you doing? Okay.
Take it easy.
That's my boy.
Don't you wake up, boy.
Little baby.
## Down by the old mill ## ## stream ## Nice try, Dad.
What's going on out here? Andrew's having trouble sleeping.
Yeah, well, so am I, and I have to get up early to finish the homework that he ruined.
Honey, we're doing the best we can.
I have to get to sleep! But Andrew's just a baby.
He's not keeping you up on purpose.
Oh, I'm not so sure.
You know, I live here too! Why can't you understand that? All you ever think about is yourself! I hate you! I wish Mom and Dad never had you! Jennifer.
Hey, the French toast is up.
Come and get it.
Uh maybe you could, uh, bring it over here.
Yeah, sure thing, Dad.
Elyse.
Elyse? Hmm.
Elyse Huh? French toast.
Vive la France! No, Elyse, not a French toast.
French toast.
You might as well You might as well eat it.
I can't reach it.
Oh, sure.
Oh, come on.
Honey, honey, honey, maybe you should take a sip of this coffee.
Um, Mallory made it.
I think it'll perk you up.
Whoa! I used five times the regular amount of beans.
Where's Jennifer? Oh, I saw her upstairs before.
She looked pretty upset.
She thinks we've forgotten about her.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
We haven't forgotten about her.
As soon as, uh mmm Jennifer.
Jennifer gets down here, we're going to have a talk with her.
Well, if you ask me, I think she's showing all the classic symptoms of regression syndrome.
You know, in order to compete with Andy, she's acting much younger than she really is.
Did Alex regress when I was born? Well, let's see, he was 2 Oh, yeah.
For a couple of weeks, he refused to tie his own tie.
I wonder if I'll regress at all now that Andrew's born.
You're at ground zero now, Mallory.
You regress any more, you're gonna disappear.
We have a problem and we're gonna have to deal with it.
Look, face the facts, Mom.
When one has a baby late in life, there's a tendency to become obsessed with said infant.
Oh, come on, I don't think we're obsessed with said infant.
What do you think, Steven? Steven? Good morning, everyone.
Oh, hi, Jenny.
Hi, honey.
How are you feeling? Fine.
Fine.
Um, Jennifer, I- let's discuss what happened last night.
What happened last night? When you got mad and yelled at the baby.
Oh, that.
I was just tired, that's all.
I'll see you guys later.
I'm gonna go eat breakfast over at Chrissie's house.
Bye.
Very interesting.
She's a fascinating subject, isn't she? She's not a subject.
She's your sister.
Look, I'm just trying to keep a detached professionalism about this, Mr.
Keaton.
Hate to admit it, but maybe Alex has a point.
I mean, she didn't even peek at Andrew when she came in here.
All right, well, when she comes home today, then we'll just sit her down and have a talk.
Well, I don't know, Elyse.
This whole thing could blow over.
We could do more harm than good by having a whole big discussion about it.
Absolutely.
All that's required here is a gesture of love.
Slip her 100 bucks.
You can't show love by giving someone money.
Uh, give her leg warmers.
Yeah, maybe we should pay more attention to her.
You Make her feel more special.
Hey, hey.
Remember how she felt when we threw her that big birthday party? Maybe we could do something like that.
Make her feel good again.
All right.
We can.
Let's give her a special night tonight.
She can plan the whole evening.
We'll have whatever she wants for dinner, we'll play games, it'll be fun for all of us.
Keep 100 bucks handy, though, just in case.
Mom, this cake is great.
Mmm.
Thank you, honey.
I know you always like triple- layered chocolate-chip cake with double-fudge frosting.
You know, I feel kind of funny about everybody making such a fuss over me tonight.
Want us to stop? Nope.
I'm loving it.
It's our pleasure.
Is there anything special you want to do after dessert? Let's play charades.
Mm-hm.
I've got one.
All right, let's go! Come on.
Heh-heh.
It's a movie! Movie.
Three words.
Excuse me, Jennifer.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Heh.
W No, he really can't come to the phone right now, he's sleeping.
No, I love those gurgly noises he makes, but he's not making them now Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.
She always falls for this.
Heh.
Goo, goo, goo, goo.
Goo, goo, goo, goo.
Hi, Grandma.
How you doing? No, no, no.
It's me, Alex.
Grandma He's cute, isn't he? Okay, Mom.
We'll talk to you later.
Can you believe that? Grandma wanted to hear, uh, little Andrew's gurgly sounds on the phone.
How can you blame her? He's such a great gurgler.
Oh, he sure is.
I was t So, Jennifer, uh, you were acting out a movie, right? Right.
Yeah, come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay.
Yeah, right, movie.
Three words.
Three words.
Second word, second wor I'll go.
Uh, it's a It's a deer.
It's got horns.
It's Moose.
I don't know.
Where's the baby powder? Uh, next to the cotton balls! It's not there! Moose! Uh, I'll be right back.
You ought to go up there, Mom.
I mean, we can play charades some other night.
No way.
Mallory and your father are perfectly capable of handling the situation.
Mom! Elyse! I'll be right back.
They'll be right back.
Go ahead, Jen.
G Go ahead with your charade.
Okay.
I got it! I got it.
TheMacNeil/Lehrer Report.
He's okay.
I think he just wanted some company.
Yeah.
Jennifer, we're ready.
Yeah.
Yeah, a movie, three words, right? Right, and it's not theMacNeil/Lehrer Report.
This is the second word.
Second word.
Have I ever seen this movie? Okay.
Okay.
So we know it's a cartoon.
Al Bouncing moose.
Whoa, did you hear that? It sounded like a laugh! Come on, Mallory, that's impossible.
He can't laugh.
He's laughing! Look at this! It's his first official laugh.
Baby A laugh? No.
Really? You think you can get him to laugh again? Hey, come on! Tickle him.
It's the rattle.
He's smiling! Hey, look, look, look.
That's his first real smile! A quarterback.
He's not gonna play football.
I have to find a place where there are no babies.
Jennifer? I've already heard the baby laugh.
Thanks anyway.
Mind if we come in? If you want.
What are you doing? Trying to find a new place to live.
The best I've come up with so far are New Jersey and Iceland.
Ah.
Uh, what's it gonna be? I'm leaning towards Jersey.
About tonight, Jen we're sorry.
Yeah.
We We wanted you to have a special night, but it didn't work out that way.
Of course it didn't.
The baby started smiling, then laughing.
Next he'll be sitting up, then crawling, then he'll be eating solid foods and not spitting it up.
How could I compete with that? It's not a competition, Jennifer.
Honey, we We know it was probably a mistake to have a Jennifer night.
I- it was phony.
I- it was artificial.
I don't know what happened.
I mean, I was really looking forward to the baby before he came.
Then when he got here, I felt in the way.
In the way? Now, look, honey, this is your home.
We're your family.
You'll never be in the way.
Do you still love me? Honey, come on.
Of course.
We just don't realize that we have to remind you how we feel about you.
Maybe just once in a while.
We're silly.
Thanks for coming up here and telling me all this stuff.
Oh, forget it! That's what parents are for to tell kids stuff.
Hiya.
Hi, Jen.
Hey, sorry about your night getting spoiled, Jennifer.
Yeah, I was, uh I was really looking forward to playing charades.
But you hate charades.
I came up here to be nice.
Give me a break, Jen.
Oh, sorry.
You guys excuse us? I think, uh, Jen, Andrew and I have some things to talk about.
Well, sure.
Uh, Andrew, listen, you're gonna hear a lot of girl talk, so, uh, just nod a lot, like it makes sense.
You know, Jen, when When you were first born, I was jealous of you.
You were? Sure.
You know, I got tired of hearing about how cute you were and how much fun you were to play with.
How'd you get over it? Well, pretty soon I realized that you were cute and that you were fun to play with.
That's true, I am.
And then I realized that Mom and Dad have enough love for all of us.
You're a great big sister, Mallory.
Not such a hard job.
You're gonna be a great big sister too.
Maybe you oughta give him to me for a while.
Sure.
You guys look great together.
Andrew can we talk? This is a great time of your life.
You're lucky.
And you should enjoy it now because when you grow up That's around 7.
things change.
You go from helpless and cuddly to a low person on the totem pole.
You'll be expected to do the dishes, take out the garbage, wash my bike.
Yesterday when I said I hated you, I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry I said that.
You're my brother.
I love you.
Oh, Andrew, you're laughing.
A real laugh.
Oh, my gosh.
Come quick, everyone! Hurry up.
The baby's laughing! Whoa, look at that.
What's up? Honey.
Oh, he was.
I didn't get to see Oh, hey! Smile for me, look here.
Oh.
Here we go! Oh! Load film now.