Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e19 Episode Script
Hogan, Go Home
( theme song playing ) Now, Carter, you and Newkirk will plant the bombs right here, past the station.
Yes, sir.
Nice camouflage, using the Berlin Express to carry munitions and supplies.
The Krauts are getting smart.
Sir, why not lob a few grenades here before the train reaches the station? Because the Berlin Express passes the Kessling refinery.
So we get the train and the refinery.
Now, won't that make a cheery little bonfire? Right.
There's nothing like a nice, blazing oil field on a cold winter's night.
All right, let's clean up down here.
Get a couple hours' sack time before roll call.
KINCH: All right.
NEWKIRK: Good night, chap.
Good night.
( telegraph beeping Morse code ) Hey, hold it, fellas.
Hey, it's London.
The Allied High Command.
The High Command? Holy cats.
What is it? Holy cats! What, Kinch? What's so "holy cats" about it, Kinch? I hear it, but I just don't believe it.
Holy cats! The message, Kinch.
What is the message? Here.
Sacrés chats! "Sack re shah"? That's French for "holy cats.
" The big brass is ordering Colonel Hogan home.
What, back to the States? He's to return for a hero's welcome and reassignment to Special Service for a three-months bond-selling tour.
They got to be crazy at headquarters.
Oh, the colonel's really going to snap his twig when he hears about this.
It says to stand by for further instructions.
Now, you know what the colonel's going to tell them.
I got a hunch that hero's welcome is going to turn into a dishonorable discharge.
Sack re shah.
Yeah, he's going to be pretty sore about it, all right.
But he's never disobeyed an order yet.
Yes, but he's never gotten this kind of a crazy order before.
Then we ought to let him sleep a little while longer, you know, before we tell him.
You know what a nasty temper he's got when he's tired.
Yeah, and he was beat tonight.
Boy, he would eat us alive if we woke him up right now with a message like this.
I'd like him to sleep as long as he can.
I'd like that, too, Carter.
Oh, sorry we kept you awake, Colonel.
This message from London's got us kind of wound up.
They want me to go home.
They've ordered me home.
I don't believe it! Who would issue an order like that? I don't know, but whoever it was is going to have me for a friend for life.
Kinch, wire London.
Tell them orders are acknowledged.
When do I leave? How? Where? Get all the details.
Yahoo! KINCH: Yes, sir.
Personally, I think he's taking the news pretty well.
You can almost believe he was happy about it.
You know darn well he's happy.
Boy, if that doesn't take the cake.
NEWKIRK: It's a pretty rotten way to act, if you ask me.
What happens to us? I'd never dream he'd do such a thing.
I know none of us would.
Boy, if that order had been for one of us, would we go? Like a shot.
I mean, who wouldn't like to go home if he had a chance? Yeah, the colonel deserves a break.
He has all the responsibilities, he takes the biggest risks.
It's about time he got some recognition from the brass.
I think it's about time he got some recognition from us, too.
Hey, how about throwing a farewell party for him? Yes! Perfect! Let him know how we feel about him.
I'll show him how I feel by cooking the most magnificent dinner money can buy.
That's fine for you, but what can we do? You can supply the money that buys it.
Come on, give it up.
Now, here's a list of what we want.
Here, I'll carry that for you.
You are sure you're not asking me to buy anything you should not have, like, for instance, picks, shovels and wire cutters, huh? Just groceries.
It's for Colonel Hogan's surprise party.
Hey, hey, but mum's the word, Schultzy.
Oh.
( laughs ) A surprise, huh? A big surprise.
Ah, let's see what we have here.
Fresh asparagus.
Mm-hmm.
Three dozen fresh eggs.
Right.
One dozen tin caviar?! Russian, of course.
Don't you know there's a war on? Where do you think I would buy things like this? You know Rhinehart's Market? I passed it by.
It's not much of a market, though.
No, but the market in the basement of the market is.
You can buy anything-- for a price, of course.
You want me to do business in the black market? Never! Take back your grocery list and I'll take back my gun.
Keep it.
You might change your mind.
You just saw me change my mind-- yes to no.
My gun, please.
Now, Schultz.
Would 600 marks change it back to yes? No.
My gun, please.
How about a nice "maybe" for 700, Schultz? Not 700, not 800, not 900.
Please, I'm warning you, give me back my gun or I'll shoot! Not even for 900, huh? I'm afraid Sergeant Schultz is one of these men who can't be bought.
That's not true! I heard every man has his price, and I have a feeling you're just 100 mark away from my price.
You guys are pretty quiet.
How come you're not busy planning my surprise party? Schultz told you.
He didn't mean to.
I tricked him.
I said, "Hey, Schultz, heard any good secrets lately?" And he says, "Only the one about your surprise party.
" CARTER: You'll be going to a lot of parties when you get home, and we wanted ours to be the first.
We're proud to have served with you, sir, and this is our way of telling you.
Thanks, Newkirk.
I'm proud of you guys, too.
In fact, it suddenly dawned on me what this command meant.
I'm not going to go.
I'm going to tell headquarters I've decided to stay, orders or not.
That's going to be a problem, Colonel.
Your replacement's already on his way here.
My replacement? Who is it? I just got this message from headquarters a while ago.
It's got all the dope on him.
RAF colonel, trained commando, sabotage expert.
Must say my replacement sounds like a darn good man.
He's not the man you are.
They don't make them like you anymore, sir.
No, sirree.
There's only one Colonel Hogan, and and there'll never be another Colonel Hogan.
Unless, of course, you were to get married and have children, and then maybe you could have boys, and then maybe one of the boys might go in the service.
Now, he could be a "Colonel Hogan.
" Carter shut up.
Headquarters say where I'm to be picked up? Am I walking, swimming, flying? What? Well, your replacement will have that information.
We still have the Berlin Express to take care of.
Well, I got the old bombs finished.
And we'll put them on the track as scheduled, sir.
Good.
Colonel Hogan, the commandant wants to see you at once.
What about, Schultz? The commandant does not take me into his confidence.
Yeah, I wish we hadn't, either.
Tattletale.
When there's something you don't want me to say anything about, just tell me nothing and, I swear, I won't mention it to anybody.
Ha, ha.
( knocking on door ) Come in, come in.
Oh, Hogan, come in.
How nice of you to drop by.
I didn't drop by.
You sent for me.
Oh, that's right.
Hogan, why don't you sit down, relax for a moment? When you're that cheerful this early, I never relax.
Well I suppose you're wondering why I sent for you.
Am I right? What an amazing bit of mind reading.
How about letting me in on the joke? Oh, it's not really a joke.
It's funny to me, but I don't think it's going to be funny to you.
( laughing ) Look, Klink, I got better things to do than to stand here and listen to you cackle.
Oh, please, Hogan.
I don't very often get the chance to chop you down.
I'd just like to savor that moment.
What do you mean "chop me down"? Well, it has something to do with a British officer who was captured a few miles from here.
They'll be bringing him in shortly.
So? This British officer, Hogan, is a colonel.
A colonel, Hogan.
Now you understand why I'm laughing? Yeah, you're a nut.
Now I suppose you're going to say he outranks me.
That's right.
The moment he comes in this gate, you are no longer the senior officer.
And that doesn't bother you? I couldn't be happier.
I can use the rest.
I have not dismissed you yet! You know, I like the way you're taking this, Hogan.
Now, would you like me to tell you the name of this British officer? Why should I care about his name? Because it happens to be Colonel Crittendon.
Crittendon! ( chuckling ): That struck a nerve, didn't it? Chop, chop, chop.
Colonel Klink, that man disrupted the morale of this entire camp.
He's nuttier than you are.
He should be locked up somewhere.
That's right.
And he will be right here.
And you will kindly remove your things from the colonel's quarters.
You're putting him in our barracks? I wouldn't dream of putting him anywhere else.
Chop, chop, chop again, Hogan.
Oh, I hope you're enjoying yourself.
Oh, yes, I am.
And thank you, Hogan, for falling apart so beautifully.
You know, that look on your face-- ooh, it's even better than I'd hoped for.
I'm glad I didn't disappoint you.
May I go now? Oh, by all means.
Oh, Hogan.
You, uh, will clean up your quarters, won't you? Colonel Crittendon is so fussy about things like that.
Colonel Klink, you're an evil man.
Yes, I am.
And it makes me feel good all over.
Aw, don't worry.
Everything's going to be all right.
Don't worry about it.
You're trying to tell us some bad news, right, Colonel? Well, you might say it was bad news.
Then again, you might not.
It's up to you to decide what kind of news it is.
Achtung! I want you to meet your new commanding officer.
Bad news.
Well, almost like a reunion, eh, what? Ha, ha! You lads are all looking quite, uh, uh ( stumbling over words ) Colonel Klink, have you been torturing these men? Certainly not.
They all look terrible-- pale, sickly.
( chuckling ): It must be something that's going around the camp.
Colonel Hogan looked the same way when he left my office a while ago.
Chop, chop, chop.
Well, we meet again, Colonel Hogan.
Small world, isn't it? Yeah.
Small, small world.
I feel like it's closing in on me.
You, uh got the message from London? Just nod yes or no.
Yes, indeed! It's a very small world.
What was that you whispered, Colonel? I didn't quite catch it.
Hogan, Hogan The walls have ears.
Klink must have planted bugs all around this place.
You're right, Colonel, but we found every, single one.
Still, one shouldn't take any chances when he's on an assignment like this one.
Caution is the key word in espionage.
We don't believe in taking chances, either, so if you'll just show me the identification you were given.
Oh, nicely done, sir.
Came right up to the net on that one, didn't you? Let me see now, uh Where did I put my uh, my secret papers? ( chuckling ) Imagine forgetting a thing like that.
I'm sure the uh, the papers in my secret pocket will give you all the identification Colonel, where's your secret pocket? Ah, you don't remember either, eh? Well, it'll come to me.
Let's see, just put on the old thinking cap and, uh ( chuckles ) My cap.
There you, uh there you are, Colonel.
HOGAN: Well, they seem to be in order.
All right, get rid of these.
Right you are.
First thing they tell you is to destroy all secret papers even if you have to eat them.
Who's got a match? Guess those papers do taste better cooked.
I'm not cooking them, I'm burning them.
Sergeant sounds a bit stir crazy to me.
I think Carter was making a joke.
Oh excellent! I say if a man can keep his sense of humor, he can take anything Jerry dishes out.
Good man.
You make all the jokes you please, no matter how bad they are.
Even in the midst of tragedy, you can find something funny if you look hard enough.
Colonel, I think you're about to catch fire.
What? Oh, good heavens.
Don't get alarmed, men.
Let's not panic.
Steady as she goes You shouldn't have done that, sir.
That's all right.
No harm done-- just singed my fingers a trifle.
However, if I had lost my head, the situation could have been worse.
The moment I saw the danger, I simply kept my wits about me, walked over to the trash basket and dropped the burning papers in there.
Colonel, you dropped them in our laundry hamper.
CRITTENDON: Well, I must say-- it looks like a trash basket to me.
I advise you to write "laundry hamper" over it.
Then this sort of thing won't happen over and over again.
We'll do that if there's anything left of it.
But now if you'll excuse me, I'll tidy up a bit and then I'd like the men mustered here at 053 No, no-- that would be At least no has to do the laundry this week.
Every piece of clothing I owned was in that basket.
Bet you didn't have a penny's worth of fire insurance either.
( laughs heartily ) ( knocking ) Come.
Got a minute, Colonel Crittendon? I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Well, I'd be glad to answer anything I can.
Of course you realize I'm here under secret orders, though.
Yeah, that's my first question.
Why'd they pick you? I wasn't picked-- I volunteered.
After all, I am familiar with the camp, and with my commando and sabotage training, who could be better for the job? Exactly how much commando training did you have? Oh, the whole show.
That commando corps separates the men from the boys.
I confess, at first I didn't think I'd be able to cut it.
Took every ounce of grit and determination in me.
I made it, but, uh I wouldn't like to go through a weekend like that again.
Two days of commando training? Actually it was three.
I stayed on an extra day to brush up on my hand-to-hand combat.
Yeah, I suppose during the three days you also became a sabotage expert.
Ah, no.
No, that was another course I took after I left the hospital.
Let me, uh, let me show you something.
( shouts dramatically ) Rather neat trick, eh, Hogan? Yes, indeed, a very neat trick.
Does a neat job, too.
This knife is razor sharp.
Yeah, I can feel it.
It's a razor- sharp knife.
Dreamed this one up myself.
So far it seems to have fooled Jerry, doesn't it? Yeah, well, around here, Jerry isn't too hard to fool.
Colonel Hogan, I've been giving some thought to your escape from here, and it occurred to me Colonel, my hat.
How's that? You stabbed my hat.
Oh, awfully sorry, Hogan.
I keep forgetting to put it together again.
Usually cut a neat slice in my shirt sleeve.
See? I've done it again, only this time it's your shirt, what.
That's okay-- it'll go well with my hat.
Right you are.
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been giving some thought to your escape from here.
Colonel, it can't be from here.
We're blowing up the Berlin Express and the Kessling refinery tomorrow night.
Any escape from Stalag 13 would be too risky.
I see what you mean.
Supposing, uh supposing you were to be transferred to another camp, and while en route you made your escape with the aid of the, uh, of the underground.
That's a good idea, but how do we arrange my transfer? Well if, uh, if Klink thought an important prisoner like Colonel Hogan were attempting an escape, he'd have you out of here before you could try it.
He sure would.
And I know just the pitch I'm going to give him.
Colonel Hogan! The senior officer is the only one to have contact with the commandant.
I'll do the talking to Klink.
Look, it really might be better if you let me handle him.
I've been doing it for some time now.
Don't worry, I'll handle Klink.
And believe me, in no time at all, you'll be free as a bird.
Chirp, chirp.
I got your message, but I had some difficulty getting permission from Klink.
Did Newkirk give you the key? It's right here in my pocket.
You'd be mad as a March hare to make a break from here.
Stop wasting time.
Unlock the cell door and leave it shut.
There you are.
If you do try anything, just how far do you think you'll get? I'm going to try something and I hope to get as far as the next prison camp.
Colonel Hogan-- Commandant Klink wants to see you.
Ah, I appreciate your coming, sir.
Don't bother to appreciate anything.
Colonel Crittendon asked me to do this as a personal favor.
Since when are you doing favors for the enemy? Because although we're on different sides, I have a great deal of respect for Colonel Crittendon.
He is a fine officer and an honorable man And a dirty stool pigeon.
And he kept you from committing suicide.
No one will ever escape from Stalag 13 as long as I'm its commandant.
And that won't be much longer.
Yeah, I'm busting out of your prison camp, Colonel Klink.
Just wanted to give you advance notice so you can pack.
You don't bust out of anyplace until you bust out of this bust-proof cell, and that's a good trick in itself.
That's why I'm glad I'm locked up in here.
The more sensational my escape, the sooner we'll get you to a cooler climate.
Hogan, why did you want to see me? Just wanted to warn you.
I owe you that.
Oh, no, Hogan.
You just wanted to annoy me, get me upset-- but it won't work.
Good night, Colonel.
These has-beens will do anything to get attention.
Schultz, I really believe that Hogan is cracking up.
Still convinced I can't escape, aren't you? Hogan, how many times do I have to tell you, no one ever escapes from Stalag 13.
Care to make a little bet on that? Look, Hogan, I'm very tired, it's late.
Why don't you go back to your cell and go to bed, hmm? What are you doing out here? Just trying to make a bet.
Schultz, put him back in there.
Why weren't you watching him? Herr Kommandant, I was listening to you.
You are supposed to guard prisoners, not listen to foolish chatter.
But Herr Kommandant, it was not foolish chatter.
Whatever you said was very interesting.
Schultz, you Dummkopf, you dunderhead.
If you fellas don't mind, I'd like to get back into my bust-proof cell to start planning my escape.
Hogan, get back in there.
Good night.
See you in the morning maybe.
Say au revoir, Hogan, and get into the truck.
The men can write you at Stalag 15.
I'll say my own good-byes, if you don't mind.
Newkirk-- you and Carter take care of those packages? Everything's all right, sir.
We should hear something tonight.
Good luck, Colonel.
Is it all right if I give Hogan a gift, Colonel? What kind of a gift, Colonel Crittendon? Oh, just my swagger cane.
I'd I'd like him to have it for old time's sake.
All right, Hogan.
Take the stick and get into the truck.
Hurry up, hurry up, men.
I don't want him to miss the train.
Train? You're going in style today, Hogan.
The Berlin Express.
Berlin Express? Did you hear that, guys? I'm going to be on the Berlin Express.
I hate good-byes, so we'll just say "Till we meet again.
" Right.
And let's meet real soon, shall we? Soon! I think one more stroke ought to do it, sir.
We don't want to bring her down just yet.
We'll wait until LeBeau sees the van approaching.
Then with one blow, my ax will drop this tree in front of them.
Don't you think we ought to do that now, Colonel, instead of waiting till the last minute? Yeah, this is one train we don't want the colonel to catch.
The element of surprise will be a great advantage to us.
We'll be on those guards before they know what happened.
The colonel is right there.
They'll be like sitting ducks for us.
Extraordinary thing.
It takes a long time to change those tires, doesn't it? Nothing to it on an American truck.
Shut up.
Get back in the van.
They're almost ready to go.
About time.
Back inside-- everyone.
Back inside.
That means you, too.
Inside! What'd you do now to that tire? Nothing, I-I-I just kicked it with my foot.
What are you using for rubber these days-- banana peels? One more word from you No, you won't.
Put your hands up.
Move! All right, you guys-- let's see how fast you can fix that tire.
What do we do with them, Colonel? We'll drop them off, let the underground take care of them.
Then can we drive over by the refinery and watch the explosion? No time for that, Carter-- I got to get home.
Oh-- oh, yeah, I forgot.
I expect you're eager to go.
Yes, I am.
As the song says, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Stalag 13.
Hogan, tell me-- when the underground freed you, why did you come back here? Been asking myself that same question.
Some invisible force seemed to be pulling me back.
I guess aw, it sounds silly.
What? You'll just laugh.
Please-- I already laughed once this week.
Hogan, what are you trying to say? I'm back because I missed the old dungeon.
You have no idea how I felt as I came over the hill and saw the sun setting beyond the machine-gun turrets.
Hogan! The barbed wire sparkling like spun gold and the delousing station at twilight time.
Colonel Klink this is a veritable paradise.
Hogan, I don't believe one word of this.
But I agree with you about Colonel Crittendon.
He cannot be trusted.
You give him one inch, he'll take 50 yards.
You know, he'd gotten that far when Schultz spotted him.
Crittendon tried to make a break? Oh, he denied it, of course.
Said he was coming in, not going out.
Where is he now? On his way to Stalag 15.
Oh, he's a menace.
He's got to be locked up somewhere.
I mean somewhere else.
There is no room here for troublemakers.
We can do without him very nicely.
Incidentally, what time have you got? Oh, it's, uh, Exactly? I just set it by my radio.
( explosion ) Hogan, what is it? What's happening? Your radio is What has that got to do with it? Who knows? Oh, one other thing, Colonel.
What? Chop, chop, chop.
Yes, sir.
Nice camouflage, using the Berlin Express to carry munitions and supplies.
The Krauts are getting smart.
Sir, why not lob a few grenades here before the train reaches the station? Because the Berlin Express passes the Kessling refinery.
So we get the train and the refinery.
Now, won't that make a cheery little bonfire? Right.
There's nothing like a nice, blazing oil field on a cold winter's night.
All right, let's clean up down here.
Get a couple hours' sack time before roll call.
KINCH: All right.
NEWKIRK: Good night, chap.
Good night.
( telegraph beeping Morse code ) Hey, hold it, fellas.
Hey, it's London.
The Allied High Command.
The High Command? Holy cats.
What is it? Holy cats! What, Kinch? What's so "holy cats" about it, Kinch? I hear it, but I just don't believe it.
Holy cats! The message, Kinch.
What is the message? Here.
Sacrés chats! "Sack re shah"? That's French for "holy cats.
" The big brass is ordering Colonel Hogan home.
What, back to the States? He's to return for a hero's welcome and reassignment to Special Service for a three-months bond-selling tour.
They got to be crazy at headquarters.
Oh, the colonel's really going to snap his twig when he hears about this.
It says to stand by for further instructions.
Now, you know what the colonel's going to tell them.
I got a hunch that hero's welcome is going to turn into a dishonorable discharge.
Sack re shah.
Yeah, he's going to be pretty sore about it, all right.
But he's never disobeyed an order yet.
Yes, but he's never gotten this kind of a crazy order before.
Then we ought to let him sleep a little while longer, you know, before we tell him.
You know what a nasty temper he's got when he's tired.
Yeah, and he was beat tonight.
Boy, he would eat us alive if we woke him up right now with a message like this.
I'd like him to sleep as long as he can.
I'd like that, too, Carter.
Oh, sorry we kept you awake, Colonel.
This message from London's got us kind of wound up.
They want me to go home.
They've ordered me home.
I don't believe it! Who would issue an order like that? I don't know, but whoever it was is going to have me for a friend for life.
Kinch, wire London.
Tell them orders are acknowledged.
When do I leave? How? Where? Get all the details.
Yahoo! KINCH: Yes, sir.
Personally, I think he's taking the news pretty well.
You can almost believe he was happy about it.
You know darn well he's happy.
Boy, if that doesn't take the cake.
NEWKIRK: It's a pretty rotten way to act, if you ask me.
What happens to us? I'd never dream he'd do such a thing.
I know none of us would.
Boy, if that order had been for one of us, would we go? Like a shot.
I mean, who wouldn't like to go home if he had a chance? Yeah, the colonel deserves a break.
He has all the responsibilities, he takes the biggest risks.
It's about time he got some recognition from the brass.
I think it's about time he got some recognition from us, too.
Hey, how about throwing a farewell party for him? Yes! Perfect! Let him know how we feel about him.
I'll show him how I feel by cooking the most magnificent dinner money can buy.
That's fine for you, but what can we do? You can supply the money that buys it.
Come on, give it up.
Now, here's a list of what we want.
Here, I'll carry that for you.
You are sure you're not asking me to buy anything you should not have, like, for instance, picks, shovels and wire cutters, huh? Just groceries.
It's for Colonel Hogan's surprise party.
Hey, hey, but mum's the word, Schultzy.
Oh.
( laughs ) A surprise, huh? A big surprise.
Ah, let's see what we have here.
Fresh asparagus.
Mm-hmm.
Three dozen fresh eggs.
Right.
One dozen tin caviar?! Russian, of course.
Don't you know there's a war on? Where do you think I would buy things like this? You know Rhinehart's Market? I passed it by.
It's not much of a market, though.
No, but the market in the basement of the market is.
You can buy anything-- for a price, of course.
You want me to do business in the black market? Never! Take back your grocery list and I'll take back my gun.
Keep it.
You might change your mind.
You just saw me change my mind-- yes to no.
My gun, please.
Now, Schultz.
Would 600 marks change it back to yes? No.
My gun, please.
How about a nice "maybe" for 700, Schultz? Not 700, not 800, not 900.
Please, I'm warning you, give me back my gun or I'll shoot! Not even for 900, huh? I'm afraid Sergeant Schultz is one of these men who can't be bought.
That's not true! I heard every man has his price, and I have a feeling you're just 100 mark away from my price.
You guys are pretty quiet.
How come you're not busy planning my surprise party? Schultz told you.
He didn't mean to.
I tricked him.
I said, "Hey, Schultz, heard any good secrets lately?" And he says, "Only the one about your surprise party.
" CARTER: You'll be going to a lot of parties when you get home, and we wanted ours to be the first.
We're proud to have served with you, sir, and this is our way of telling you.
Thanks, Newkirk.
I'm proud of you guys, too.
In fact, it suddenly dawned on me what this command meant.
I'm not going to go.
I'm going to tell headquarters I've decided to stay, orders or not.
That's going to be a problem, Colonel.
Your replacement's already on his way here.
My replacement? Who is it? I just got this message from headquarters a while ago.
It's got all the dope on him.
RAF colonel, trained commando, sabotage expert.
Must say my replacement sounds like a darn good man.
He's not the man you are.
They don't make them like you anymore, sir.
No, sirree.
There's only one Colonel Hogan, and and there'll never be another Colonel Hogan.
Unless, of course, you were to get married and have children, and then maybe you could have boys, and then maybe one of the boys might go in the service.
Now, he could be a "Colonel Hogan.
" Carter shut up.
Headquarters say where I'm to be picked up? Am I walking, swimming, flying? What? Well, your replacement will have that information.
We still have the Berlin Express to take care of.
Well, I got the old bombs finished.
And we'll put them on the track as scheduled, sir.
Good.
Colonel Hogan, the commandant wants to see you at once.
What about, Schultz? The commandant does not take me into his confidence.
Yeah, I wish we hadn't, either.
Tattletale.
When there's something you don't want me to say anything about, just tell me nothing and, I swear, I won't mention it to anybody.
Ha, ha.
( knocking on door ) Come in, come in.
Oh, Hogan, come in.
How nice of you to drop by.
I didn't drop by.
You sent for me.
Oh, that's right.
Hogan, why don't you sit down, relax for a moment? When you're that cheerful this early, I never relax.
Well I suppose you're wondering why I sent for you.
Am I right? What an amazing bit of mind reading.
How about letting me in on the joke? Oh, it's not really a joke.
It's funny to me, but I don't think it's going to be funny to you.
( laughing ) Look, Klink, I got better things to do than to stand here and listen to you cackle.
Oh, please, Hogan.
I don't very often get the chance to chop you down.
I'd just like to savor that moment.
What do you mean "chop me down"? Well, it has something to do with a British officer who was captured a few miles from here.
They'll be bringing him in shortly.
So? This British officer, Hogan, is a colonel.
A colonel, Hogan.
Now you understand why I'm laughing? Yeah, you're a nut.
Now I suppose you're going to say he outranks me.
That's right.
The moment he comes in this gate, you are no longer the senior officer.
And that doesn't bother you? I couldn't be happier.
I can use the rest.
I have not dismissed you yet! You know, I like the way you're taking this, Hogan.
Now, would you like me to tell you the name of this British officer? Why should I care about his name? Because it happens to be Colonel Crittendon.
Crittendon! ( chuckling ): That struck a nerve, didn't it? Chop, chop, chop.
Colonel Klink, that man disrupted the morale of this entire camp.
He's nuttier than you are.
He should be locked up somewhere.
That's right.
And he will be right here.
And you will kindly remove your things from the colonel's quarters.
You're putting him in our barracks? I wouldn't dream of putting him anywhere else.
Chop, chop, chop again, Hogan.
Oh, I hope you're enjoying yourself.
Oh, yes, I am.
And thank you, Hogan, for falling apart so beautifully.
You know, that look on your face-- ooh, it's even better than I'd hoped for.
I'm glad I didn't disappoint you.
May I go now? Oh, by all means.
Oh, Hogan.
You, uh, will clean up your quarters, won't you? Colonel Crittendon is so fussy about things like that.
Colonel Klink, you're an evil man.
Yes, I am.
And it makes me feel good all over.
Aw, don't worry.
Everything's going to be all right.
Don't worry about it.
You're trying to tell us some bad news, right, Colonel? Well, you might say it was bad news.
Then again, you might not.
It's up to you to decide what kind of news it is.
Achtung! I want you to meet your new commanding officer.
Bad news.
Well, almost like a reunion, eh, what? Ha, ha! You lads are all looking quite, uh, uh ( stumbling over words ) Colonel Klink, have you been torturing these men? Certainly not.
They all look terrible-- pale, sickly.
( chuckling ): It must be something that's going around the camp.
Colonel Hogan looked the same way when he left my office a while ago.
Chop, chop, chop.
Well, we meet again, Colonel Hogan.
Small world, isn't it? Yeah.
Small, small world.
I feel like it's closing in on me.
You, uh got the message from London? Just nod yes or no.
Yes, indeed! It's a very small world.
What was that you whispered, Colonel? I didn't quite catch it.
Hogan, Hogan The walls have ears.
Klink must have planted bugs all around this place.
You're right, Colonel, but we found every, single one.
Still, one shouldn't take any chances when he's on an assignment like this one.
Caution is the key word in espionage.
We don't believe in taking chances, either, so if you'll just show me the identification you were given.
Oh, nicely done, sir.
Came right up to the net on that one, didn't you? Let me see now, uh Where did I put my uh, my secret papers? ( chuckling ) Imagine forgetting a thing like that.
I'm sure the uh, the papers in my secret pocket will give you all the identification Colonel, where's your secret pocket? Ah, you don't remember either, eh? Well, it'll come to me.
Let's see, just put on the old thinking cap and, uh ( chuckles ) My cap.
There you, uh there you are, Colonel.
HOGAN: Well, they seem to be in order.
All right, get rid of these.
Right you are.
First thing they tell you is to destroy all secret papers even if you have to eat them.
Who's got a match? Guess those papers do taste better cooked.
I'm not cooking them, I'm burning them.
Sergeant sounds a bit stir crazy to me.
I think Carter was making a joke.
Oh excellent! I say if a man can keep his sense of humor, he can take anything Jerry dishes out.
Good man.
You make all the jokes you please, no matter how bad they are.
Even in the midst of tragedy, you can find something funny if you look hard enough.
Colonel, I think you're about to catch fire.
What? Oh, good heavens.
Don't get alarmed, men.
Let's not panic.
Steady as she goes You shouldn't have done that, sir.
That's all right.
No harm done-- just singed my fingers a trifle.
However, if I had lost my head, the situation could have been worse.
The moment I saw the danger, I simply kept my wits about me, walked over to the trash basket and dropped the burning papers in there.
Colonel, you dropped them in our laundry hamper.
CRITTENDON: Well, I must say-- it looks like a trash basket to me.
I advise you to write "laundry hamper" over it.
Then this sort of thing won't happen over and over again.
We'll do that if there's anything left of it.
But now if you'll excuse me, I'll tidy up a bit and then I'd like the men mustered here at 053 No, no-- that would be At least no has to do the laundry this week.
Every piece of clothing I owned was in that basket.
Bet you didn't have a penny's worth of fire insurance either.
( laughs heartily ) ( knocking ) Come.
Got a minute, Colonel Crittendon? I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Well, I'd be glad to answer anything I can.
Of course you realize I'm here under secret orders, though.
Yeah, that's my first question.
Why'd they pick you? I wasn't picked-- I volunteered.
After all, I am familiar with the camp, and with my commando and sabotage training, who could be better for the job? Exactly how much commando training did you have? Oh, the whole show.
That commando corps separates the men from the boys.
I confess, at first I didn't think I'd be able to cut it.
Took every ounce of grit and determination in me.
I made it, but, uh I wouldn't like to go through a weekend like that again.
Two days of commando training? Actually it was three.
I stayed on an extra day to brush up on my hand-to-hand combat.
Yeah, I suppose during the three days you also became a sabotage expert.
Ah, no.
No, that was another course I took after I left the hospital.
Let me, uh, let me show you something.
( shouts dramatically ) Rather neat trick, eh, Hogan? Yes, indeed, a very neat trick.
Does a neat job, too.
This knife is razor sharp.
Yeah, I can feel it.
It's a razor- sharp knife.
Dreamed this one up myself.
So far it seems to have fooled Jerry, doesn't it? Yeah, well, around here, Jerry isn't too hard to fool.
Colonel Hogan, I've been giving some thought to your escape from here, and it occurred to me Colonel, my hat.
How's that? You stabbed my hat.
Oh, awfully sorry, Hogan.
I keep forgetting to put it together again.
Usually cut a neat slice in my shirt sleeve.
See? I've done it again, only this time it's your shirt, what.
That's okay-- it'll go well with my hat.
Right you are.
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been giving some thought to your escape from here.
Colonel, it can't be from here.
We're blowing up the Berlin Express and the Kessling refinery tomorrow night.
Any escape from Stalag 13 would be too risky.
I see what you mean.
Supposing, uh supposing you were to be transferred to another camp, and while en route you made your escape with the aid of the, uh, of the underground.
That's a good idea, but how do we arrange my transfer? Well if, uh, if Klink thought an important prisoner like Colonel Hogan were attempting an escape, he'd have you out of here before you could try it.
He sure would.
And I know just the pitch I'm going to give him.
Colonel Hogan! The senior officer is the only one to have contact with the commandant.
I'll do the talking to Klink.
Look, it really might be better if you let me handle him.
I've been doing it for some time now.
Don't worry, I'll handle Klink.
And believe me, in no time at all, you'll be free as a bird.
Chirp, chirp.
I got your message, but I had some difficulty getting permission from Klink.
Did Newkirk give you the key? It's right here in my pocket.
You'd be mad as a March hare to make a break from here.
Stop wasting time.
Unlock the cell door and leave it shut.
There you are.
If you do try anything, just how far do you think you'll get? I'm going to try something and I hope to get as far as the next prison camp.
Colonel Hogan-- Commandant Klink wants to see you.
Ah, I appreciate your coming, sir.
Don't bother to appreciate anything.
Colonel Crittendon asked me to do this as a personal favor.
Since when are you doing favors for the enemy? Because although we're on different sides, I have a great deal of respect for Colonel Crittendon.
He is a fine officer and an honorable man And a dirty stool pigeon.
And he kept you from committing suicide.
No one will ever escape from Stalag 13 as long as I'm its commandant.
And that won't be much longer.
Yeah, I'm busting out of your prison camp, Colonel Klink.
Just wanted to give you advance notice so you can pack.
You don't bust out of anyplace until you bust out of this bust-proof cell, and that's a good trick in itself.
That's why I'm glad I'm locked up in here.
The more sensational my escape, the sooner we'll get you to a cooler climate.
Hogan, why did you want to see me? Just wanted to warn you.
I owe you that.
Oh, no, Hogan.
You just wanted to annoy me, get me upset-- but it won't work.
Good night, Colonel.
These has-beens will do anything to get attention.
Schultz, I really believe that Hogan is cracking up.
Still convinced I can't escape, aren't you? Hogan, how many times do I have to tell you, no one ever escapes from Stalag 13.
Care to make a little bet on that? Look, Hogan, I'm very tired, it's late.
Why don't you go back to your cell and go to bed, hmm? What are you doing out here? Just trying to make a bet.
Schultz, put him back in there.
Why weren't you watching him? Herr Kommandant, I was listening to you.
You are supposed to guard prisoners, not listen to foolish chatter.
But Herr Kommandant, it was not foolish chatter.
Whatever you said was very interesting.
Schultz, you Dummkopf, you dunderhead.
If you fellas don't mind, I'd like to get back into my bust-proof cell to start planning my escape.
Hogan, get back in there.
Good night.
See you in the morning maybe.
Say au revoir, Hogan, and get into the truck.
The men can write you at Stalag 15.
I'll say my own good-byes, if you don't mind.
Newkirk-- you and Carter take care of those packages? Everything's all right, sir.
We should hear something tonight.
Good luck, Colonel.
Is it all right if I give Hogan a gift, Colonel? What kind of a gift, Colonel Crittendon? Oh, just my swagger cane.
I'd I'd like him to have it for old time's sake.
All right, Hogan.
Take the stick and get into the truck.
Hurry up, hurry up, men.
I don't want him to miss the train.
Train? You're going in style today, Hogan.
The Berlin Express.
Berlin Express? Did you hear that, guys? I'm going to be on the Berlin Express.
I hate good-byes, so we'll just say "Till we meet again.
" Right.
And let's meet real soon, shall we? Soon! I think one more stroke ought to do it, sir.
We don't want to bring her down just yet.
We'll wait until LeBeau sees the van approaching.
Then with one blow, my ax will drop this tree in front of them.
Don't you think we ought to do that now, Colonel, instead of waiting till the last minute? Yeah, this is one train we don't want the colonel to catch.
The element of surprise will be a great advantage to us.
We'll be on those guards before they know what happened.
The colonel is right there.
They'll be like sitting ducks for us.
Extraordinary thing.
It takes a long time to change those tires, doesn't it? Nothing to it on an American truck.
Shut up.
Get back in the van.
They're almost ready to go.
About time.
Back inside-- everyone.
Back inside.
That means you, too.
Inside! What'd you do now to that tire? Nothing, I-I-I just kicked it with my foot.
What are you using for rubber these days-- banana peels? One more word from you No, you won't.
Put your hands up.
Move! All right, you guys-- let's see how fast you can fix that tire.
What do we do with them, Colonel? We'll drop them off, let the underground take care of them.
Then can we drive over by the refinery and watch the explosion? No time for that, Carter-- I got to get home.
Oh-- oh, yeah, I forgot.
I expect you're eager to go.
Yes, I am.
As the song says, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Stalag 13.
Hogan, tell me-- when the underground freed you, why did you come back here? Been asking myself that same question.
Some invisible force seemed to be pulling me back.
I guess aw, it sounds silly.
What? You'll just laugh.
Please-- I already laughed once this week.
Hogan, what are you trying to say? I'm back because I missed the old dungeon.
You have no idea how I felt as I came over the hill and saw the sun setting beyond the machine-gun turrets.
Hogan! The barbed wire sparkling like spun gold and the delousing station at twilight time.
Colonel Klink this is a veritable paradise.
Hogan, I don't believe one word of this.
But I agree with you about Colonel Crittendon.
He cannot be trusted.
You give him one inch, he'll take 50 yards.
You know, he'd gotten that far when Schultz spotted him.
Crittendon tried to make a break? Oh, he denied it, of course.
Said he was coming in, not going out.
Where is he now? On his way to Stalag 15.
Oh, he's a menace.
He's got to be locked up somewhere.
I mean somewhere else.
There is no room here for troublemakers.
We can do without him very nicely.
Incidentally, what time have you got? Oh, it's, uh, Exactly? I just set it by my radio.
( explosion ) Hogan, what is it? What's happening? Your radio is What has that got to do with it? Who knows? Oh, one other thing, Colonel.
What? Chop, chop, chop.