Mad About You s03e19 Episode Script

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Saturn, Uranus, Jupiter, Pluto.
You lose.
Wait, wait, wait.
Murray, this very nice lady will be walking you.
Neptune! Neptune! It's too late.
Pick up some milk while you're out.
It is not! No, no, no! Let's play again! Let's play again! You lost.
You lost the game.
Wait! Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.
Jupiter.
You, you, you, you * Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! * I'm mad about you Hi.
I'm Burt Buchman.
Yes, I'm Burt Buchman.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
I have reservations under Buchman.
Please, call me Burt.
They're not going to ask our names.
You never know.
I know.
I'm telling you, one little slip then no all-paid vacation, no resort, no eat-till-you-puke buffet.
Like that.
Like that, we're back on the road to Dullsville.
Dullsville? To Dullsville, yeah.
Boringtown.
Rutland.
Yawnburg.
Mount Otony.
Get it? I get it.
I just didn't know we lived there.
I'm just saying it's good to get away once in a while.
That's true.
It is.
Smell me.
Very nice.
Hi.
Burt Buchman.
My lovely-smelling wife, Sylvia.
Why would he surprise your mother with a non-refundable trip? "Why"? Why did he make me take flute? He told her this place was supposed to be paradise? Yes, he did.
So? She said it's not for her.
Oh! Oh! Did we lock the apartment? Yes, we did.
I don't remember locking it.
I must've locked it.
No, I'm gonna call I did! I did! I did! I did! Are you sure? Yes, I did.
I did.
I just want to make sure everything's taken care of so we can enjoy the next five days.
Five days.
Murray will be fine.
WOMAN ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we'd like to begin boarding flight 827 That's us, Burt and Sylvia Buchman.
They're not going to ask our names.
Just Do me a favor.
Just be my mother till we get off the ground, please.
All right.
What? I can't wait to get you in that hotel room! Now I'm not interested.
No, no.
Come on, come on, come on.
(CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING) There's like a whole ocean out there.
This is the exact same room as in the brochure.
I know.
Oh, and, uh There you go.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
Seemed pretty happy.
What'd you give him? Gave him, uh, eight beads.
That's $35.
I know.
Look.
Fruit.
You hear music? Yeah, I do.
What is this? Huh? That's a, uh What is that? It's a breadfruit.
How do you eat it? You get another one, you get a couple of slices of ham, and you got yourself a little sandwich.
Where's the remote, do you think? We're not gonna watch TV! We're in paradise! I'm not gonna watch.
I'm just gonna turn it on.
It's probably with the TV.
All right, so where's the TV? I don't know.
Maybe it pops up.
Doesn't pop up.
This is nuts.
I'm gonna call the front desk.
Honey? Wait a sec.
There's no Wait, wait, wait Honey? "Leave yourself behind.
At Hotel St.
Nicole, "you will enjoy a relaxing tropical atmosphere "with none of the distractions of modern life.
"No phones, no TV, just you and paradise.
" What, are they kidding? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) That's just wrong.
Hi! Hi! Hi! I'm Trish Dawson.
Yes.
We spoke last week.
We did? Burt? Trish! Hi! Hi.
Come on in.
This is my wife.
Honey, look, it's I know.
I know.
Hi, Trish.
Hi! So this is your room, and you share the terrace, and I have a few things for you.
Oh, boy, and we didn't get you anything.
Okay, here's your, um, schedules and activities.
Oh, good.
Here's the table numbers and your cabana locations.
This is the tide schedule.
Here's a map of the island, and our complimentary shell diary.
And here's a list of four other couples we think that you are really gonna like.
Other couples? Based on our conversation, we tailor-made your week just to fit your personal profile.
Now, if there's anything else you need, you please let me know.
We will.
Yes.
Believe me when I tell you, this is going to be the vacation that Burt and Sylvia Buchman have always dreamed of.
I've never been more afraid in my life.
Can I just say I loved you in The Lion in Winter? I'm very fair.
What'd you put on, number 45? What, you're kidding? You squeeze this, a sweater comes out.
(GRUNTING) What's the matter? I'm supposed to be my father.
You sit, you announce it.
This is nice, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.
"I hear Genevieve had an eventful voyage.
" Who's that? (READING IN FRENCH) What are you doing? I am looking for a man named Guy.
Don't look for a man named Guy here! My French final's in two weeks.
What happened to leaving ourselves behind? All right.
Tres bien.
All right.
Come on, isn't this nice? Mmm-hmm.
It's paradise.
That's right.
And plenty of it.
MAN: Burt and Sylvia! Yes.
What happened? Sam and Fritzi Frank.
Hi.
FRITZI: Hello! Hello.
You're on our list.
We're on the list? Yeah, sure.
You're on the list.
(GRUNTING) Oh! Is this paradise or what? Yes, it is.
Yeah, sure.
I understand you're in the business.
In the business? In sporting goods, yes! Sporting goods, yes, for years.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure.
I hear you like canasta.
From whom? It's on the list.
So how's business? Business? Business is good, good.
Very good.
For you? How's business for you? Balls.
Mmm? Balls, balls, balls, balls.
That's all anybody wants, is balls.
Yeah.
Well, kids.
Go figure.
You want me to spray you? Excuse me? The bugs.
They will eat you alive.
I don't see any bugs.
Ah! That's why they call 'em "no-see-'ems.
" You'll thank me later.
What do they do with all these balls? Well, uh, uh Hey, welcome to paradise.
Uh-huh.
Nothing like to help you work up an appetite.
Burt, Sylvia, hi! Hi.
Are you having a good time? Oh, the very best.
Oh, here's your afternoon schedule.
I put you at table 17.
I want you to enjoy your lunch.
Okay.
Table 17 would be Eat first, and then I'll spray you! Think this is This is table 17, I think.
So what do we got to do today? We eat, and I have an archery lesson.
You have a burro ride on the beach.
And then we're back together for "Simon says.
" I'm riding a burro? Let's blow it off.
Can't.
Can't blow it off.
Why not? Because Burt Buchman wouldn't blow off a burro.
We can't do this.
What are we gonna do? Well, tonight, for example, karaoke.
God help us.
It'll be fine.
It'll be just fine.
Splink! Splink.
Excuse me? My father.
You never noticed my father can't put ice in a drink without saying "splink, splink"? What does it mean? It means "splink!" I don't know.
It's just actually kind of fun.
Ready? Splink, splink.
I'm really tired of being your parents.
Well, we already left ourselves behind.
So who else you got? Hi.
Bonjour.
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH) You speak French.
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH) (WAITER INQUIRING IN FRENCH) (ORDERING IN FRENCH) (INQUIRES IN FRENCH) Yeah, uh I'm gonna have a, uh Give me a Reuben and, uh, the fries of your people.
(ASKING FOR CLARIFICATION IN FRENCH) (RESPONDING IN FRENCH) (REPLIES IN FRENCH) (THANKS IN FRENCH) Hi.
Hi.
My husband and I went to Europe last year.
(MUTTERS IN AGREEMENT) What part of France are you from? We never Paris.
I'm Louise.
This is Ron.
Hi.
I'm Paul, and this is my wife Simone.
Bonjour.
(ENUNCIATING) I love your accent.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Thank you, and I love yours.
Oh! You speak English.
A little.
Listen, we are not Uh, very comfortable, oui, with the English.
Oh, no, no.
You're doing just fine.
We're not French.
Non.
Just me.
Uh, my husband is a diplomat.
Oh! Really? That's so interesting! Oui, oui.
More interesting than the ride on the burro.
No? LOUISE: I beg your pardon? Um, it is an idiom.
I do not know how to say.
(LOUISE CHUCKLING) How did you two meet? Ze peace talks.
The peace talks? Oui, oui, ze peace talks.
I was selling crepes, and my cart had a flat.
You know, it is the same story since time began.
Oh, I must say, you two are just the most fascinating people.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
What were you doing? I don't know.
It was fun.
That's fun? Lying to nice people is fun? Every vacation, Lisa and I would have a contest.
We'd go down to the boardwalk and see who could be the most people.
Well, look what happened to her.
Oh, all right.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Hey! Honey! Honey, are you all right? Yes, thank you.
Hi.
BOTH: Hi.
Everything okay out here? I'm fine, thanks.
What happened? He was just trying out a new routine.
Routine? We're circus people.
Really? Absolutely.
Isn't that right, honey? Yes.
Uh, fifth-generation circus people.
Wow! I love the circus! So what do you do? Uh Well, you see what I did there? Yeah.
Picture that higher up and in tights.
That's great! So what do you do? I, uh She's a contortionist.
I'm a contortionist.
Yeah.
You know what? Show him the thing you've been working on.
What thing? The new thing where you put both feet behind your head and you spin.
Not without a net.
Come on, come on, let's do it, huh? Come on.
Hop up.
I wouldn't say I invented it, but I said to Lipton, "You got a cup.
You got noodles.
You do the math.
" Actually, I should be head rodeo clown, but it's just a big boys' club.
Oh, yeah, I've been on the Calypso about eight, nine years now.
Jacques is a nice man.
Nice man.
You have to remember, don't touch his hat.
Well, sure, it's a little dangerous, but, heck, they don't dismantle themselves.
I'm sorry.
That's why they call it the Secret Service.
(CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Sweetie, come on.
This music's gonna make me nuts.
Tika-tika-tika-tika Turn it off.
If I could turn it off, I wouldn't be sitting here going "tika-tika-tika-tika.
" All right, one second.
Seriously.
It's like we're in hell and Don Ho is the deejay.
I'm ready.
What is that? Oh, good.
The Van Runks want to have dinner with us tonight.
We can't do that.
So? They were nice.
No.
They have, like He wants me to make him a sport coat.
Will you just admit you had fun? It was fun for one night.
Honey, honey, the Shapiros.
Where were we last night? Oh, oh, oh, oh Who were we? Who were we? Wait, wait, wait! Hey, Giuseppe! Hey, buon giorno! You know what, I'm actually starting to like this place.
Sure.
All we do is eat and lie.
What's not to like? Hey, Vinnie.
How's this? That's good.
You just want to watch the hook.
What was that? I told him I'm a professional bowler.
Where did you get that? At ease.
What did we do last night? We were interesting.
Let's never do that again.
I'll see you later.
Where are you going? To get my shoes.
Sylvia has a golf lesson.
What about me? Do you want to come? Nah.
It's enough that you asked.
I'm gonna check out the lagoon, take a nap, whatever.
All right.
I'll see you at dinner.
All right, have fun.
Okay.
Hello.
Oh, hi! I've been looking for you.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry about the cheese-tasting thing.
It's just that it was so hot.
That's not the problem.
There's a problem? Oh, yes.
I have been having trouble making the seating arrangements for tonight's dinner.
Uh-huh.
It seems that the Reznicks want to have dinner with the astronaut and his wife, and the Duvalls are dying to dine with the cellists, and the Nagles have a million questions for the couple who discovered Velcro.
So? So I have checked it out, and it seems that they're all staying in your room.
Well, that hardly seems possible.
Exactly.
So we're all clear, then? No.
All righty.
What is going on here? Nothing.
Is this some sort of a con game? No.
Are you from another hotel? No! Because if you're not Burt and Sylvia Buchman, We are! I'm going to be forced to turn this matter over to security All right, all right, all right.
I will tell you the truth.
Go on.
It's my husband.
Yes? Burt.
Yes? This is very hard for me to talk about.
Try.
He's not well.
In what sense? In the sense that he's What? Uh, well What? Sort of What? (WHISPERING) Insane.
Insane? Yeah, well, we don't like to use that word.
I--I just I I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
His doctors suggested we get away and it seemed like a good idea.
I thought I could control him but I never should've brought him back to the sea.
He looks at the ocean, and memories start coming back, and the voices It's Well, is--is he dangerous? Not at all.
I have a golf lesson.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Is there anything that we can do? No, no, thank you.
Actually, we could use some more towels.
How you doing, Biff? Hey.
Damn bugs.
Where are these bugs? I don't see 'em.
That's why they call them "no-see-'ems.
" We've been through this.
You ever had this juice? What is it? Guava.
Guava? Guava.
I like papaya.
Guava.
Guava.
Guava.
The juice that's as much fun to say as it is to drink.
Guava.
Mr.
Frank, could I speak to you for a minute? Sure.
Hi.
Hi, Trish.
Splink, splink.
Guava.
Guava, guava.
Splink.
Splink, splink.
Guava, guava, splink, splink.
See you.
Let that be a lesson to the rest of you.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm thinking about renting a boat.
Ah! Do you like boats? Love boats.
I like boats, too.
Yeah, right, well, then you can be my very best friend.
Are you a sailor, sir? Yeah, you can call me Popeye.
Okay.
And where are we going today, skipper? Who knows? Maybe Canada.
Yeah, eat me some bacon, drink me some beer.
Oh, I don't know.
Canada? It's pretty far away.
All right, then I'll just paddle around till the rope says no.
Very good, sir.
Oh, hey, look at that.
Our boats seem to be all rented out.
All right, then we'll just have to attack by air.
(CHUCKLING CONDESCENDINGLY) It just breaks your heart, doesn't it? (CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) (GRUNTING) How do you expect me to take a nap around here with this tika-tika-tika-tika? There's the speaker! (GRUNTS) Can't stop the music.
Can't stop the music.
Here you go, tika-tika-tika.
Here, tika-tika- tika-tika-tika.
Come here.
May I help, sir? Yeah, two, please.
Yes, of course.
Thank you.
Is that all right? Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
How you doin' today? Hello.
Can I borrow that knife? That knife? Yeah.
Why? I just wanna butter my roll.
Oh, I'll butter your roll for you.
No, you don't have to No, really, I do.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey, how was your lesson? It was good.
How was your day? Uh, good.
Did you talk to anybody? Not really.
Why? Okay, here's the thing.
Madam? Monsieur.
Thank you.
When you get a chance, can I get a knife, please? What's going on? Okay, you're gonna laugh.
Hi! Oh, oh, Trish, I don't know if you've done tomorrow's schedule, but I'd love to get in on that parasailing.
We have a lovely lanyard class.
I don't want to take a lanyard class.
My guests find it very soothing.
Okay.
Well, what about the parasailing? You can make a key ring.
I already have a key ring.
All right, all right, just settle down.
Settle down.
What's going on? All right, all right.
Um, it's possible that some people here may think you're a little crazy.
Why would they think that? Because I might've told them that you were.
You might have? I'm sorry.
What's-her-name heard us telling people stuff, and I had to say something.
So that's what you came up with? That we're crazy? No, just you.
Boy, I'm hungry.
Are you ready to order? Uh Yeah, listen, I don't know what you heard.
I'm not crazy.
I'll come back.
Uh, I'm-- I'm not crazy.
Of course not.
And I'm not a diplomat.
Of course not.
I'm a filmmaker.
Really? Yes.
Are you Alfred Hitchcock? No, I'm not Alfred Hitchcock.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Is there a situation? Yes, there's a situation.
You told everybody that I'm crazy? I had a responsibility.
You want to know the truth? Okay, here is the truth.
We came on vacation, and we got a little carried away.
We're not doctors.
We're not diplomats.
We're not astronauts.
We're not rodeo clowns.
I am not my father.
She is not my mother.
This whole trip has been one big lie.
And I gotta tell you, I'm getting a little tired of being everybody else.
I am Paul Buchman, I'm a documentary filmmaker from New York, and I can butter my own roll.
This is my wife, her name is Jamie, she runs a PR firm out of our living room, and she has a French exam in two weeks.
All right? Do you understand this? We are who we are, and from now on, that's all we're gonna be.
Thank you.
Does everybody understand? Has everybody got that? PAUL: So I don't really need your lanyard class.
Ooh, I like your lanyard.
Thank you.
(CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Come on, honey.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Come on.
Hey, dig me.