Melissa & Joey s03e19 Episode Script

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I moved out, but my key still works.
Yeah, I'd better change the locks to keep the riffraff out.
You know you love the riffraff, come here.
Mm, your lips still work too.
Wow, look at you.
All dressed up for a date with little old me? Well, yeah, I went full-on goddess for you.
And you sure clean up nice.
Nobody would guess that you spent the day changing diapers and playing peek-a-boo with a pack of wild toddlers.
Mel, across the street in the Buchwald house, we like refer to the children as "high-spirited" or, um, "under medicated.
" Enough shop talk.
Right here.
So, wait a minute um, just so I'm clear, you still want to take things slow, right? Because I got to tell you, a part of me is really starting to speed up right now.
Yeah, sorry, sorry.
Sex is still off the table.
Damn it.
I love sex on the table.
Or anywhere really.
Mm, well, good things come to those who wait.
And in your case, fantastic things.
Let me give you a preview.
Preview? Okay.
Hmm.
Yeah.
It's the nanny phone.
Hello, Mrs.
Buchwald.
Yes.
Uh Sure, I will be right over.
Okay, bye-bye.
What? I thought this was your night off.
I know.
What am I gonna do? She said she needs me over there stat.
Well, I need you stat-er.
I'll take you out to dinner tomorrow night.
Okay? Tomorrow night.
I promise you.
But right now, you know, duty calls.
Literally.
That's funny.
Duty calls.
Fine, I understand.
Go off to the baby.
Even though he didn't shave his legs for you.
- It's all good - All good - It's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
So what's for dinner? Here you go.
Okay, that is a bowl of whipped cream.
That is not a meal.
Now it is.
You really expect me to eat this? Oh, man, that's good.
Told you.
I know what I'm doing.
Wait, I thought you were going out to dinner with Joe.
Joe had to work tonight.
He's always on call.
But I'm okay with that.
You know, dating a Manny is like dating a doctor except without the income, status, or access to drugs.
Okay.
Dig in.
I'm not eating that.
I miss Joe.
I'm doing the best I can with what's left in the pantry.
Dig to the bottom.
There's some refried beans in there.
Okay, you know what? This house is falling apart since Joe moved out.
Look at this mess.
We each need to take on at least one more of Joe's former duties.
Ryder, your new job is going to the market.
No, I'm already cooking, okay.
And besides, in two days, school starts and I got to figure out my entire new look.
Everybody knows the first day sets the tone for the entire year.
Your first day on this planet set the tone for you and it wasn't a good one.
Ryder, I believe in you.
I know you can go to the market and dress yourself.
Yeah, I'm not so sure he can do either.
And you're in charge of laundry.
- What? - Oh, have fun scrubbing my boxers.
No no no no no.
See, I've already taken on one of Joe's old jobs.
- Which one? - Snarky comments.
Oh, well, that'll help us survive.
Oh, what do you know? I've already got snarky comments covered.
You're doing laundry.
So, um What are you gonna do, Aunt Mel? Supervise, obviously.
So basically, sit around on your ass.
I thought I made it clear.
I'm snarky comments.
Lennox, you're burning my blouse! What? Hey.
This isn't even hot.
You know, it would probably work better if you plugged it in.
Darn, you know, I just I don't deserve to be on laundry.
You know, it's not too late to put me back on snarky comments.
You guys are not gonna believe what just happened.
Uh, where are the groceries? All over the floor of aisle six of Zippy Mart.
Wow, you're both doing a hell of a job handling Joe's old duties.
Look, I was paying for groceries when a guy pulled out a gun.
- Wait, what? - Well, turns out it was a toy gun.
Nobody knew that at the time.
Still, that's so scary.
Hey, I had to use an iron that could get very hot.
If you turned it on.
- So what happened? - The clerk chased the guy out of the store with a baseball bat, right? And he got arrested.
And the best part, afterwards, News 19 interviewed me.
Okay, I'm gonna be on TV tonight.
Wow, congratulations.
Hey, record it for me, okay? I can't be late for my beau.
My girls are riding high and I don't want to let them down.
Giddyup, y'all.
So you know what this means, right? My first day back at school isn't gonna be a giant festival of suck.
I survived a robbery.
I come in with a great story.
Yeah, you happened to be at a store when it got robbed and you did nothing.
Boy, that is a great story.
Too bad we can't eat it for dinner.
What is dinner when you've got fame? And I'll have the Porcini Risotto.
Very good, ma'am.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
It says here, "allow extra time for the Risotto.
" How much time are we talking about? - 35 to 40 minutes.
- Ooh, 35 We both eat fast.
That should be fine.
I got to be back at work at 10:00.
You have to back at where at when? At work at 10:00.
Yeah, I heard you the first time.
I was just giving you a chance to maybe change your answer.
Joe, I thought this was our night together.
We're together.
Let's enjoy it.
You look amazing.
I know, I know, but seriously, you have to go back to work in the middle of our date? Well, if you want to get technical about it, it would be at the end of our date.
But what if we wanted to do something else after dinner? Uh, you made it pretty clear we're not gonna be doing something else after dinner.
Well, we could do something else besides "something else.
" Okay, just so I understand, are we gonna be having sex in any form tonight? We'll never know now, will we? Okay, I sent out a mass email, text.
I put it on Twitter, Facebook.
Everyone I know is going to be tuning in to Channel 19 tonight.
Don't count on it.
The only people who still watch the 10:00 news just died in their chairs.
No, just wait.
After this, my reputation at school is gonna be swag.
But it won't if you keep saying things like "swag.
" It's me! Oh, it's me.
Well, just it all happened so fast, you know.
One minute, I'm coming in for groceries and the next minute, I'm staring death in the face.
I'm on TV.
And look at that.
They spelled my name right.
This guy pulls out a gun and he yells, "freeze!" So I stand there like a statue.
And then he looks my way.
And I swear, I thought I peed my pants.
Glad you got your name on that.
No, no, no, keep watching.
Okay, hero coming.
Turns out it was a toy gun.
Toy gun and, uh, you know I didn't know at the time, though.
So what I did is I stepped behind this girl to hide.
You hid behind a girl?! That's not all I said.
That was not the end of the sentence.
Well, it sure sounded like it because right now they're talking about the zoo's new baby elephant.
Aww, you could have hid behind him too.
No, that cannot be it.
They cut out all the cool stuff I said.
I said I hid behind the girl so that I could make my move and jump the guy.
Oh, I think everyone will be able to infer that from what you said on camera.
Oh, no.
This this is not good.
This is not how you want to go back to high school.
Okay, I got to rethink everything.
I got to rethink my entire wardrobe.
Oh, hey, Aunt Mel, you're back early.
You just missed Ryder on the news.
Oh, you didn't miss anything.
You know what I do miss? Having a boyfriend who isn't clueless.
I'm supposed to be making out right now.
Don't look at me.
Joe had a 10:00 cutoff time for our date.
He left no wiggle room for, well, wiggling.
But aren't you two still in your courting stage? Well, yes.
Okay, so Joe's really busy with his new job, but he went out of his way to make time for you even though he knew there wasn't going to be any wiggling.
Well, when you put it like that, you make Joe sound like a nice guy and like I should - Apologize? - Yeah, I was getting to that.
You're apologizing by text? I was using a cute emoji.
No.
You've got to do it in person, and the sooner, the better.
Geez, how come I'm the most mature person around here? Honestly, you don't have a lot of competition.
Joe, Joe.
- Open up, come on.
- Mel, hey.
Hey, hey, hey! Shh, shh, shh! Keep it down, will you? You have to be very quiet around here.
Oh, I'm making noise? Sure, put the nanny in the firetrap room.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Listen, I know you're not supposed to have visitors, but this couldn't wait.
I just I wanted to apologize.
You know, I may have slightly overreacted to your date deadline.
- Slightly? - Okay, learn how to accept an apology.
Anyway, I just never want us to go to bed mad, so I brought you something.
You brought me something? What'd you bring me? Aww.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Mwah.
Hey, wait wait wait wait wait.
Maybe you could stay and just join me for like one drink.
Well, I've never said no to that before.
Pardon my stemware.
Don't worry.
It's not the weirdest thing I ever drank out of.
I once drank bathtub gin from an actual bathtub.
There was a guy in it at the time.
And his twin brother Charlie - who had these deltoids - Hey, yo, Mel, Mel.
I think now that we're dating, we should maybe institute a little "don't ask, don't tell" policy about the past.
Okay, so, you know, anything that happened, say, before three years ago, we should probably just put in a little lockbox.
I think I'm gonna need more than a lockbox.
Maybe like a whole storage unit.
What a pretty picture.
Which we can make disappear now with our liquid eraser.
Works for me.
To new beginnings.
So are you sure you're okay with just making out? It's better than not making out.
It's ironic that the result of romance is so unromantic.
Yup, I got to get that.
Oh, can't you just let it go to voice-mail? Man, aren't you supposed to prevent that? Picked up a new outfit for school.
What do you think? Ryder? Ryder, are you still here? 'Cause you're literally blending in with the wall.
Perfect.
I thought you wanted to look cool.
That was before the news turned me into a massive geek.
So my new goal is invisibility.
'Cause what you can't see, you can't throw in a Dumpster.
Ryder, relax.
Okay, I told you.
Nobody watches the news.
Oh, an instant message from Maya.
"OMG, your brother's video is blowing up.
" Okay, so one person watches the news.
Well, just it all happened so fast.
You know, I one minute, I'm coming in for groceries, and the next minute I'm staring death in the face.
- What? - This guy pulls out a gun and yells, "freeze!" So I stand there like a statue.
He looks my way He looks my way.
He looks my way I swear I peed my pants - I swear - Just all happened so fast you know, I peed my pants I swear Yeah, but, Ryder, I mean, who watches things on the Internet today? Everyone.
But it's only got 35,000 views.
And it's been up for six whole minutes.
That is not my crotch.
That is a lie! - I peed my pants - I peed my pants - he peed his pants - I swear I peed my pants, I peed my pants - He peed his pants - I swear I peed my pants, I peed my pants - He peed his pants - I swear - I peed my pants - The little bitch peed his pants I peed my pants, I peed my pants - He peed his pants - I swear - I peed my pants - The little bitch peed his pants - Okay.
- I peed my That's it.
I can never show my face at school again.
Or your crotch.
- Okay, he's asleep.
- Oh.
Well, this is, uh this is nice.
Yeah, just you and me and somebody else's baby.
Well, I should probably go.
Yeah, yeah, you should.
Yup, actually the Buchwalds have a very strict no-guest policy.
So thank you for, um, coming over.
But a quick kiss good-bye is okay, right? I don't see a problem with that.
Joe, where's Tucker? Joe, open up.
I want to feed him.
Is it stuck? No.
I want us to get caught.
Joe, can you hear me? Open the door.
Yes, yes, he's here.
It's not opening.
What do I do? Shh! Will you? I'll be right there.
I'm on my way.
How far is it from your bed to the door? That's a good one.
We need to hide you.
The closet! Come on.
- Seriously? - Yes! Hello, here's your baby.
There's Tucker.
He's right there.
Okay, well, I need to nurse him.
Absolutely, yes, you are the man for the job.
Or should I say woman? 'Cause, you know, with with those things out to here, you're definitely not a man.
Yeah, I'm not sure that that's appropriate, but, um, thank you.
- Joe.
- Yes! Whose scarf is that? It's mine.
I, uh I I I love I love I love the way it feels on my skin.
Reminds me of My pet rabbit.
You're very secure with your masculinity.
Yes, I am.
All right, well, I will see you in the morning.
You're off the clock.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sorry about your breasts.
I mean, mentioning them.
I'm such a boob.
That didn't help.
- Are you okay? - That was so hot.
Aww, man, I'm sorry.
No, not hot in the closet.
Hot almost getting caught in a boy's room.
Wait a minute, that that that turned you on? Like high school.
Let's hurry up before your parents come back.
Wait wait wait wait wait.
Are you sure you want to do this? Because I am totally okay with waiting.
- Yeah, I'm not.
- All right, that works for me too.
Well, well, well.
Looks like someone violated their curfew.
Well, I may have gone over to apologize.
And it may have taken longer than expected.
Mm, that must have been some apology.
It somehow turned your skirt around backwards.
Oh, look, here's Ryder.
Let's focus on him.
Hey, Ryder, first day of school.
- Are you ready? - I'm not going.
That's the spirit wait, what? Yeah, I've gone viral.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
You're a boy.
We didn't think you needed that shot.
No, no, my news interview, someone turned it into some kind of auto-tune video.
I swear I peed my pants - I peed my pants - I swear I peed my pants I peed my pants I swear.
It's up to a million views.
I'm never going to school again.
Oh, honey, it was a really scary situation.
You know, anybody could have peed their pants.
I didn't pee my pants.
Well, you're still going to school either way, wet or dry.
Dry! How many times do I have to tell you people? Dry! I swear I peed my pants.
Ooh, that's a catchy tune.
Oh, that poor kid is in for a rough day.
I know.
Look, you got to see the video.
Oh, yeah.
- Morning.
- Morning.
So question for you.
This morning I saw a woman running through our lawn and dodging the sprinklers.
Looked like she was leaving your room.
Did you see her? No.
Maybe it was the gardener 's wife.
It was Mel Burke.
Wow, geez, look.
I'm I'm I'm sorry.
I never should have had a guest over here without asking your permission.
She actually just came over to give me something.
Oh, I know what she gave you.
- You do? - Yeah, you see, last night when I left your room, I accidently took the wrong end of the baby monitor.
So you had the receiving end? I did.
Which means that I had the Transmitting end? You did.
Oh God.
Yeah, you said a lot of that last night.
As did Mel.
I had no idea she was so religious or so bossy.
That was really unprofessional.
I promise you that will never happen again.
No, no, please.
Promise me it will.
Excuse me? The sounds of you and Mel ignited the first night of passion that zev and I have had since the baby was born.
So I just have one question.
When will she be coming back? Ugh! Mm, well, I just found out that I work for a disgusting woman.
Or should I say I used to work for a disgusting woman? Mel, Sienna knew that you slept over last night.
Oh, no, did she fire you? No, get this she listened to us all night long on the baby monitor.
And she liked it.
Yeah.
So I quit.
Wait, she really - ugh! - Mm-hmm.
That's so gross.
Yet strangely flattering.
Anyway, now I don't have a place to live or a job.
So I'm basically back to square one.
I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do now.
Joe, you seriously think that you have problems? For the rest of high school, I'm gonna be known as Ryder "Peed His Pants" Scanlon.
Look, your solution is staring at you right in the face.
Just move in and pay rent.
That's ridiculous.
That Could actually possibly be a solution.
You're welcome.
I swear I peed my pants.
Oh, God! Now I'm singing it! Look, I know he's a little high-strung this morning, but "peed his pants" has a point.
Now would you seriously consider moving back into your old room? Yeah, I might, but like the boy said, there would have to be conditions.
You know, like I would have to pay rent.
Although, not too much because it's not really that great up there.
Honestly, I'm not even sure if it's up to code.
At least the windows work.
All right, fine.
And you know what? If somebody's nice to me, I may even consider partaking in a little cooking every now and then.
But not because it's part of my job.
Just because, you know, I find it relaxing and because I excel at it.
It sounds like a good deal to me.
Although, it was kind of fun sneaking up in your room.
Well, maybe you could try sneaking upstairs tonight.
Oh, well, only if your landlady's okay with it.
We'd have to keep it on the down-low because, between you and me, I think she has a thing for me.
Oh, as long as you have a thing for her Called a rent check.
Hey, Aunt Mel.
Hey, Joe.
Take off your apron, all right, 'cause tonight I'm taking everybody out.
Dinner's on me.
First of all, um, I don't wear an apron.
Secondly, you do realize when you take people out to dinner, somebody has to actually pay for that.
Oh no, I'm paying 'cause I recently came into a little bit of money.
Oh, Ryder, dude.
I'm so sorry.
I just saw that your video reached two million hits.
Yes, no, this is great.
This pee is gold.
It's liquid gold.
I'm telling you.
I don't want to burst your bubble there, pal.
I happen to follow the markets and urine is not a recommended buy.
So remember that auto-tunes video I starred in? Well, it turns out, I get paid half of every download.
Way to go.
Very few people can monetize humiliation, man.
Yeah, too bad money can't make people like you.
Oh, Lennox.
Lennox, Lennox, there's so much you don't know about high school.
Hello.
Yeah, hey, Amelia, what's up? Oh, sure, yeah.
No, I can I can swing by cheerleading practice tomorrow.
I actually got to go, but Okay.
I swear I peed my pants.
Is it just me or has the world lowered the bar for what passes as cool? Yup, yeah, down to about here.