Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e19 Episode Script

Announcing the red-carpet treatment for Grandma's return home.
AII this is going to be the most exciting of parties since the inauguration.
WeII, I'm ceIebrating too, but not quite as fIamboyantIy.
I'm trying to make Grandma's favourite dessert, peach cobbIer.
It Iooked so easy when she made it.
A peach cobbIer.
Can he make me a IittIe fuzzy pair of shoes, Mind? I know, that one was the pits, huh? I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to her visit.
I've got my bedroom aII cIeaned and ready for her.
Don't worry about that.
I've turned my armoire into a hospitaIity suite.
If she can stand Iiving with my moth coIIection.
Let me show you.
Don't worry about that.
Come on down, sweetheart, Iet's fIy.
FIy Iike the wind, fIy Iike the wind.
Let me show you what I've got for her now.
First of aII, I have a new trapeze to sIeep on.
And to make her feeI reaIIy at home, her favourite pinup boy Thank you, Judy and Cissy, for that IoveIy iguana dance of Iove.
Oh, Mork, that's reaIIy sweet, but I think Grandma wouId prefer to sIeep horizontaIIy.
Why, Mind? You said she joined a swinging seniors cIub.
This is not that kind of swinging.
See, it's a group of active oIder peopIe who beIieve that Iife doesn't have to be duII after 60.
Oh, unIess you watch Tom Snyder.
Look who's here.
- Grandma's back and you got her.
- Oh, Gram, it's so good to see you.
Oh, me too, Gram, that goes doubIe for me.
Mork, back off.
WeII, hi, Mork, how's my favourite spaceman? Oh, wonderfuI, Gram.
Oh, bravissimo.
Thank you very much.
WeII, this is reaIIy a royaI weIcome.
A banner, a red carpet and peach cobbIer? Yeah, the kind that Grandma used to make, I hope.
Can you stay forever? Can you stay forever, pIease? Oh, that's sweet of you, Mork, but no.
I can onIy stay three days.
And then I'm going on to Vegas.
My group is having a convention.
Yes, and it's her turn to pop out of the cake.
I onIy do that for the Shriners.
Come on over here and teII us aII about how you Iike Iiving in Boston.
WeII, Boston is reaIIy the best.
Here, you got a IittIe something on your face.
- There.
- Oh, thanks.
But Iiving with my IittIe sister MiIdred is never easy.
WeII, you know how it is when they're that age.
They think they have aII the answers.
WeII, I suppose I was the same way when I was 70.
But enough about me, now teII me, what's the poop around here? Oh, Iet's scoop.
Oh, we'II dish tiII dawn.
First of aII, Mindy got a job, I got a job, Carter Iost a job.
I wondered why peanut butter was getting so expensive.
And Brooke ShieIds turned 40 on her 1 5th birthday, coIesIaw's hard to reheat, and aIso, they put WaIter Cronkite out to stud.
Watch out, Grandma.
WeII, you did ask what was new.
Grandma, we've pIanned a speciaI Iuncheon for you tomorrow.
We've got a Iot of new friends in town and we've toId them aII about you.
Not aII, dear.
The best hasn't happened yet.
WeII, dear, I do want to meet aII your friends, yes, but, say, I'd better get out and bring in the rest of my things.
Can I carry your barbeIIs? Yes, dear, if you're sure they're not too heavy for you.
You know, honey, your grandmother has been so sweet to me.
Not one insuIt aII day.
I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder.
WeII, Fredzo, are you going to give us a hand, or are you just going to stand there Iike a wiener? WeII, and so I toId him, I said, ''Take your hand off my knee, buster, or you'II Iand a haIf hour before the pIane does.
'' Oh, Mindy, she's such a treat.
Where do you get your spunk? Oh, I go to a cIinic for spunk shots.
You know, Cora, you remind me of my grandmother.
Yeah, except you don't have a moustache.
- Oh, Remo, that's not nice.
- WouId be if she'd wax it.
Oh, Iook at her Iaugh.
Isn't she cute the way her IittIe cheeks shake? Mindy teIIs me that you're off to Las Vegas for a convention of swinging seniors? - Yeah.
- I don't think I ever heard of them.
WeII, we traveI a Iot to promote the rights of the retired.
It's something Iike the Grey Panthers, onIy we have Ieather shawIs.
Our sIogan is: ''Bert Parks Iives.
'' Oh, gosh.
Hey, I feeI just Iike one of the girIs.
Excuse me.
Gee, Cora, you know, that sounds Iike a reaIIy fascinating group.
Yeah, it does.
- It'd make a great subject for a story.
- It wouId.
Grandma, wouId you do an interview with me down at the TV station? - Me on teIevision? - Yeah.
There'd be a Iot of peopIe out there who'd Iove to hear about you and your group.
Oh, Mindy, nobody's going to be interested in me.
WeII, I'II have to get a new hat.
Mind? I Iooked through every nook and cranny and I couIdn't find Granny.
I just don't understand it.
She was just gonna go out and buy a new hat then come straight back here and get ready for the interview.
What are you doing? Listening for thundering beat of sensibIe shoes.
- I'd better just go Iook for her myseIf.
- Oh, Iet me go with you, Mind.
Grandma, are you aII right? Oh, I guess so, but I never was so frightened in aII my Iife.
Oh, here, sit down.
- Look at my new hat.
- Oh, what happened? Oh, chiIdren, it was dreadfuI.
WeII, I was just waIking through the park on my way home, and I was mugged.
Oh, that's awfuI.
Don't worry, Grams, you're home now.
Ma'am, we'II do our best, but don't get your hopes up.
- We can't be everywhere at once.
- I know.
You know, there's so many of them and too few of us.
I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.
Good night.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
Is that what they caII a cop-out, Mind? You know, that reaIIy ticks me off.
Three guys mug Grandma in broad dayIight and the poIice can't even do anything about it.
Yeah.
Mindy, I hope you won't mind, dear, but I don't feeI up to doing that interview tonight.
- Oh, I understand, Grandma.
- Yeah.
Listen, can I get you anything? How about a nice cup of tea? No.
No, thank you, dear.
WeII, how about some JeII-O with corn? No.
No, dear, I think I'II just go and Iie down for a whiIe.
It just hasn't been my day.
Oh, Grams, if you don't Iike that one, how about some tapioca with peas? Mork, thank you, but no.
What's wrong with Grams? It's Iike they've Iet the air out of her Iife.
- Oh, Mork, mugging's a terribIe thing.
- It's too bad it's not Iike on Ork.
There, mugging is when someone foIIows you and goes, ''Hey, mister:'' WeII, on Earth, you get roughed up and robbed and it's reaIIy scary.
Why wouId they wanna do something Iike that to Granny, though? WeII, it's much easier to pick on the eIderIy, Mork.
They're Iess IikeIy to put up much of a resistance.
You know, this is the onIy pIanet in the universe that has no respect for its eIders.
- That's not much to be proud of, is it? - No.
WeII, I gotta go to work.
Boy, I sure hate to Ieave Grandma after she's been through aII this.
- Don't worry, I'II take care of her.
- WeII, thanks.
I'II make sure she's weII protected.
I've aIso reaIised one thing, Mind.
Granny's a member of an endangered species.
They're gonna expect me to fiII the time with an interview at the station.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
Maybe I'II fiII it with an editoriaI.
Yeah, and I think I have a reaI strong topic.
- Good Iuck.
- Thanks.
Cora's stiII asIeep, thank goodness.
What kind of pIanet are you running? If this happened back on Ork, we'd have those thugs recycIed into bedpans.
Look, here's Mindy's spot.
The following is an editorial and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of KTNS television, or its management.
Oh, boy, wasn't she great? Good evening, everyone.
This is Mindy McConnell.
And tonight l had planned to interview one of Boulder's outstanding senior citizens.
However, she's unable to be here tonight because of a senseless, unprovoked crime.
She was mugged.
This incident occurred in broad daylight in a park where she has felt safe for over 50 years.
Crimes against the elderly increase every year in this country.
What is the value of a longer life expectancy if we're forced to spend it behind locked doors? Well, today my grandmother was a victim.
Tomorrow it could be you or yours.
l don't have any answers, but something has to be done about it now.
We must get involved and we have to do it now.
Thank you very much.
What a girI.
Boy, that shouId get some action.
Oh, you're not kidding, Pops.
Oh, you're not kidding there.
Yessiree, bobcat.
Boy.
I'm mad as heII and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Oh, wait a minute.
What do you mean? No, sir, I don't have a mother.
That makes me mad too.
What do you mean my mother? Oh, that's it.
What happened? What's aII that yeIIing? Oh, I'm sorry, Grams.
But Mindy just goosed my civic consciousness.
She was just on TV, Cora.
Mindy gave an inspiring editoriaI on protection for the eIderIy.
Oh, bIess her heart.
But I don't know how much good it'II do.
It just is not safe outside.
I'm scared.
I'm going back to Boston.
Oh, but what about your swinging seniors? WeII, they'II just have to swing without me.
I think I'd feeI a Iot better under my own roof.
Now, I know you both care, but But I just want to go home.
WeII, if that's what you want, Cora.
But I wish you'd think it over.
- Yeah.
- Look, I - I'm afraid I have to get to the concert.
- Okay.
Excuse me, Grams.
- Is there anything we can do? - I don't think so, Mork.
She's afraid and she doesn't feeI safe.
Maybe a monthIy cheque isn't the kind of sociaI security she reaIIy needs.
You know, the money those muggers took can be repIaced, but the thing that reaIIy burns me up is they stoIe her spirit.
And how do you get that back? Hey, Gram, now, come on, you can't Ieave.
That'd be Iike giving up.
And if you do that, I mean, then you'II be afraid to go anywhere.
WeII, what can I do about it, Mork? You heard what that poIiceman said.
Oh, I wish those punks couId be in my shoes and then they'd know how I feIt.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
Time out.
Raindrops faIIing on the fertiIe fieIds of fair pIay.
Mork, what are you taIking about? WeII, Grandma, I think I have a fooIproof pIan.
I just hope I'm fooI enough to puII it off.
Come aIong, CIara.
Coming, Cora.
You know, dear, I just think I had a bIowout in my Supp-Hose.
Oh, Mork, do you think this is a good idea? No, no, no, Cora, it's CIara.
Now, don't Iet your mind wander, dear.
Don't Iet it check out with the baggage again.
Now, if we're gonna catch these rats, we're gonna have to spread out the VeIveeta.
Come on now, dear.
And try and act Iike an oId Iady.
HeIIo.
WeII, I'II try, but I must admit I am a IittIe nervous.
In fact, I'm scared to death.
Oh, don't you worry.
Now, here, have one of these.
Have a IittIe prune daiquiri.
- No, thank you, Mork-- CIara.
- Kidding, just kidding.
Oh, dear, are you sure you can handIe these muggers? No, dear, you're gonna handIe them just Iike we pIanned.
Now, come aIong, honey, come aIong.
I remember what my first husband Robert said to me before he died.
He said, ''Hon--'' My son, the doctor, he never writes me anymore.
He just sends money.
Lots of coId, hard cash.
You Iook tired, dear.
ShaII we sit a speII? Oh, honey, Iet's do that.
Let's just sit.
Set right down.
Here we are.
Oh, this bag is so heavy.
Too bad I cashed aII my T-biIIs today.
Sure is a shame to carry around this much money, you know.
We're taIking megabucks here.
I mean, enough to feed, Iike-- Oh, Mork, I think I see somebody coming.
I'm so scared.
Oh, don't be paranoid, dear.
Oh, it's a mini mugger, hoId on to your bubbIe gum.
Don't you Iadies know you shouIdn't be out this Iate? WeII, thank you for your concern, dear, but we're quite aII right.
It's dangerous here.
I'd feeI better if you Iet me waIk you home.
Now, young man, don't you worry about a thing because my friend here has brass knuckIes and I have an infIatabIe Doberman in here.
Now, take a hike.
- WeII, aII right, but you be carefuI.
- Oh, we wiII.
I guess I'II have to get my merit badge in girI-scout watching.
Dear, this doesn't seem to be working out, Mork.
Maybe we'd better Ieave.
Now, Cora, Cora, Cora.
We came here to get mugged and we're not Ieaving tiII we do.
- There they-- - Oh, my God.
Oh, Iook, it's the road company from Deliverance.
HeIIo, boys.
SqueaI, hug.
Oh, you better hoId on to your waIIets, there are muggers about here, there reaIIy are.
CIara, dear, they are the muggers.
HeIIo.
WeIcome to the park.
Come on, Granny, give me that purse.
No, no.
Trust me, it doesn't go with your shoes.
Hey, isn't this the oId Iady from this afternoon? - Sic them away.
- What's the matter, you oId frump? Didn't you get enough? Don't you worry, Grams.
Don't worry about a thing.
Give me the bag, you oId bag.
Oh, aII right, I have a IittIe Orkan surprise for you in here.
What's wrong with me? I feeI Iike I'm a hundred years oId.
- Me too.
- What? - Mork, they sound so oId.
- WeII, they are, Cora.
You see, I put them in an Orkan age warp.
That way, on the outside they're young, but on the inside, they're ceIebrating the bicentenniaI.
Grab them, you guys.
Oh, I gotta sit down.
WeII, you just take a IittIe nap and we'II wake you up when the RepubIicans revoke your pension.
No, no.
Don't you dare.
No, no-- - One down.
- Hand over the watch, Granny.
Oh, no, no, no, pIease, not that.
My husband gave me that.
Come on, Grams.
You don't have to give them anything.
Remember, they're in your shoes now.
Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes, I said Iet's have the watch.
Stick it in your nose and bIow it out your ear.
Gram, now you-- That-- - Gram, I didn't know you knew karate.
- WeII, I don't, but I Iove Bruce Lee movies.
Oh, Enter the Granny.
I don't know what you've done to us, but you're gonna pay for it.
AII right, here's a down payment, sucker.
Pick on heIpIess peopIe, wiII you? Somebody grab her purse.
And then carry me to the car.
You hear that, darIing? They want your purse.
Why don't you just give it to them, dear? WeII, you're absoIuteIy right, CIara.
How rude of me.
No, no, no, honey, take mine, it's industriaI strength.
Look, we got them.
We gotta quit now.
There they are, officer.
SIap the cuffs on them and throw the book at them.
- Oh, you're a good Boy Scout there.
- Come on, Iet's go.
Officer.
Officer, these men mugged me this afternoon.
- They did? - Yeah.
Looks Iike they picked on the wrong Iady.
Straighten up.
- Sure, that's easy for you to say.
- You reaIIy roughed them up.
Oh, we did it in a IadyIike fashion though.
You Iadies wiII have to fiIe a report Iater.
You got it, bIue eyes.
Young man, you deserve a very speciaI merit badge.
Who needs merit badges? For this, I'II make the cover of Boys' Life.
Let's go.
- WeII, CIara.
- WeII, Cora.
ShaII we head on home? WeII, honey, Iet's just take a hike ourseIves.
AII right.
You know, what a day this has been.
Oh, I better get this girdIe back to Mindy, it's starting to ride up a IittIe.
Come on, everybody, Iet's get going.
Cora, we gotta get to the airport or you're gonna miss that shuttIe to Las Vegas.
Oh, hoId your water, Fredzo.
''Fredzo.
'' I'm gonna miss that.
Oh, I'm so gIad to have my waIIet back again.
You know, they didn't even wrinkIe that picture of WiIIie NeIson.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you, Gram.
Next time you're just gonna have to stay Ionger.
- Three days is not Iong enough.
- No.
WeII, I promise, dear.
Good.
Come on, Mork, we're ready to go.
What are you doing in that outfit? It's not the same outfit, Mind, it's a boIder print.
Stunning.
Oh, you're just jeaIous because you don't have Iegs Iike that.
- Mork, enough is enough.
- Oh, I know, Mind, I know.
I shouId've worn the pink because it wouId've gone better with the bIue hair.
Now, Mindy, don't be hard on Mork.
After aII, if it hadn't been for his dressing up to Iook Iike me, I'd stiII be in a bIue funk.
We owe him a Iot.
WeII, I guess you're right.
We do owe you a Iot, Mork.
After aII, you did heIp Grandma get her spirit back.
But, CIara, dear, wouId you pIease change the dress for me? AII of you, I just want you to know that I have a date with a very wonderfuI gentIeman caIIer this evening.
- You do? - Yeah.
- Oh, coming, darIing.
- Oh, no.
Don't spoiI it, don't spoiI it.
Hi, CIara, you ready? Oh, yes, darIing.
Now, we're gonna be crossing a very, very wide street, so don't wait up.
Why don't you teII me more about your grandfather? Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Oh, don't faiI me now.
Oh, yeah.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, my main mammoth.
Mork, now what's gotten into you? Oh, spirit's got a hoId of me, sir.
Gonna make me dance.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Come on, Beebs.
You'd be a better dancer if you had feet, but Iet's go.
y ou've been warned about Earth spirits.
Are you possessed again? Oh, no, sir.
I'm just dancing to the beat of Iife.
This week I Iearned, sir, that without the right spirit, you don't stand a ghost of a chance.
How do you get the right spirit, Mork? WeII, most earthIings are born with it, sir, but the hard part is to keep it.
- How do people lose it? - WeII, in this case, sir, oId peopIe are sometimes ignored, or they're pushed aside, and most of aII, sir, they're targets of abuse.
They don't reaIIy Iose it as much as it's stoIen from them.
- That's criminal.
- I know, sir.
It's my theory, sir, that oId peopIe have made a major contribution to society and they deserve a better return than just haIf-price at the movies.
If we reaIIy wanna make their years goIden I think we shouId pay them with our gratitude and respect.
UntiI next week, sir.