New Girl s03e19 Episode Script

You taking up tennis? No, it's an electric fly swatter.
- I want to see it work.
- Well, we need a fly.
I've been waiting whole morning.
Did you honestly just kill one? Hey, what's going on, guys? Ooh! Ah! Walk with dignity, you giant toddler.
Come on, Schmidt, you got to get this stuff out of here, man.
Yeah, well, I can't afford storage.
All my money's tied up in the storefront I leased for Jess' sister.
So why don't you put your junk in the storefront, Schmidt? You really want me to put an Ian Schrager rug in a room without climate control? What? Oh, he was the guy in Star Wars.
Medium talent.
- Hey, guys.
Morning.
- Hey, Jess.
Hey.
Come on, Coach! Let's hustle! I got Coach a job at the school, and it's his first day.
I don't like kids, I don't like teaching, I just like paychecks.
Well, I think you're gonna love it.
I don't think I'm gonna love it.
Run! Do not stop running or I will eat your faces and bodies! Keep running or I will murder your family! I love this job.
You're pissing me off! This one.
This one.
I got my eye on you.
Thanks for helping me move my stuff, you guys.
Lots of hairy boxes God, I've fallen.
Almost below you now, Nick.
Fellow passengers, stuck in the caboose of life.
You think I'm in the caboose of life? You love it in the caboose, not me.
It hurts.
It's actually quite jarring.
Loves it in the caboose - I don't love it in the caboose.
- Yes, he does.
Uh, hi.
Are you guys open? Oh, this actually It's not a store.
Oh.
That's too bad.
- I really like that lamp.
- You like You like the lamp? I'm sorry.
You know what, it just It's just that It doesn't It doesn't feel like a store yet - is what I meant to say.
- Piano player is a nice touch.
Aw, thank you very much.
He's lovely, isn't he? Pl-please look around.
Feel free.
The lamp is 100% full price.
Uh, pretty much everything's What you're doing is illegal.
You can't say this is a store.
I'm not taking advice from you.
You pronounce the "G" in "lasagna.
" Lasag-na.
Oh, my God.
I think my arm's broken.
I'm gonna sue the crap out of you.
Winston! Quiet.
So, I have Jamal Chambers in my fourth period, and he cannot stop talking about how fun and enthusiastic his new volleyball coach was.
You were right.
I love this job.
I knew it.
I knew you'd love it.
- Hey.
- I was looking for you.
You weren't in my car.
Internet's down.
Okay, um, well, I rebooted the router.
You're actually on the wrong IP address, so There you go.
Ooh.
You know I can see everything that you search for, right? I'm a biology teacher.
It's all research.
Fixing computers and stuff now? I'm just taking on a little extra responsibility around here, just getting stuff done that needs doing.
Graffiti's wrong, kids.
Don't do it.
I love corn on the cob, too, but I'm not gonna paint it all over the walls.
I'm just hoping, you know, in a few years I'll have enough experience that Dr.
Foster will consider me for vice principal.
Why don't you just ask him for it? You can't just ask for a promotion.
You know.
You have to earn the promotion with years of good work.
What's funny? Uh, how's that working out for you, Jess? Do you see this volleyball? It won't get over the net just because you want it to and you hope someone will notice that you want it to.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna ask you one more time: What do you want? Um, I want to be vice principal.
All right.
Then spike that ball, Jess.
Oh, that's not Okay, um - You got to spike! You got to spike! - Is that really Yeah.
Okay.
- No, wait.
I'm not very good - Spike it! I've just never really been good with athlete balls.
- Spike it! What do you want?! - I want to be vice principal.
Spike the ball and tell me what you want! I want to be the vice principal! - Yeah! - Yeah! Oh! Oh Oh! Oh I will not laugh.
An outrage! Been all over and I can't afford anybody.
Unbelievable.
Access to premium legal counsel should be every Jew's birthright.
And the jury will see that there is no justice for the Hebrew man.
Not in these so-called United States.
What is that that you're doing? I can't get enough of this legal drama.
Check this out.
Favorite author, Grisham.
Favorite TV show, Judging Amy.
Favorite color, courtroom brown.
Courtroom Brown.
Damn, I wish that was my nickname.
Did you just think of that? 'Cause it was perfect, man.
- Courtroom Brown.
- Dude, you're a born Courtroom Brown.
That's me.
When you say "Courtroom Brown," I respond.
Hey, Winston.
- Hey, Courtroom Brown.
- Yes? Kill 'em, Courtroom! That's awesome! What am I supposed to do in this situation, represent myself like some nut job? Nick could be your lawyer.
This Nick? Vivica A.
Dropout? First of all, I don't want to be involved, but thank you, Courtroom Brown.
And second of all, I passed the bar, which means I can practice in the state of California.
Oh, Nick, you would be the worst in the whole entire world.
No offense.
I love you, dawg.
I could be your lawyer easy.
You don't forget how to be a lawyer.
It's like riding a bike.
They've changed these! Fine.
I forgot how to ride a bike.
But I'm not gonna forget how to be a lawyer.
I guess I have no choice.
You can be my lawyer, Nick.
- I won't do it.
- What? I value myself too great for that.
If you want me to be your lawyer, if you want to win this case, you must start with the word "please.
" And I'll need a symbolic five-dollar retainer.
Four dollars.
Skin it.
Let's do it.
Hooah.
Dr.
Foster, I am young, I'm energetic and I think it's about time you take advantage of me! Well, this is a little awkward.
I'm, uh I'm exclusively into Asian women.
It's really a Kristi Yamaguchi thing.
- After Lillehammer - I really meant professionally.
I want you to take advantage of me like that.
- Sorry.
- It's a professional thing.
- Okay.
Sorry.
- I want to be vice principal.
Frank retired, you need someone.
I deserve it.
I bust my ass for this school.
You've got it.
The job is yours.
- It is? - Oh, my God, are you kidding? I thought I was gonna have to force somebody into it.
This is so much easier.
- Really? - Go ahead.
Be vice principal.
- I can't believe this.
- In fact, I think you should start right now.
You will not be sorry, sir.
Did you? - I got the job! Yeah! - Oh! - I spiked the ball.
- Time to celebrate.
No! No! I'm not doing that! - No! - We got to celebrate! Celebrate! Let me pour it on your face and your clothes and your hair! Yeah.
Uh looks standard.
Yeah.
You're definitely being sued.
Uh, your deposition is tomorrow.
What-what do we do now? Do we prep for the plaintiff? I don't like prepping.
It makes me feel nervous.
I feel boxed in.
And I'm very quick - on my, uh - Sure.
Did you just forget the word "feet"? Feet.
Yeah.
Nick, you should really prep.
Fair enough.
Winston, you're my plaintiff.
Done deal.
Okay.
Hi, my name is Tim Baker.
I live at 522 Dugan Court Terrace.
Okay, Mr.
Baker, how long have you been a chef? I don't have to answer that.
You actually do though, Winston.
Doesn't he? You ask Why you asking me, man? - No, I'm not.
I'm Yeah.
- You're the lawyer.
No, I know.
You have to answer.
How long you been a chef? I already answered that during background.
What in the hell? You did background without me? Why wasn't I invited for background? You have to answer it! How long you been a chef?! You're fired! Give me another chance.
No! Okay, here's something.
Get on a plane with me.
While you think about it, put this on my card.
It's the black one.
Wow.
That just happened.
You think maybe we should take his card and buy him a new shirt? I'm scared he'd want to change it in front of us.
I'm Cece.
Hi, Cece.
I'm Buster.
I really hope that's a nickname.
No, it's not a nickname.
It's your real name? I was bullied pretty bad.
Hi, Buster.
All right, hold on.
- I've got quite an eye for young boys.
- Oh, God.
That's right, I said it.
It's not a typo.
Let's see some I.
D.
God, you're handsome.
I'm sorry.
Wyoming! - Look at that.
- Mm-hmm.
Wyoming.
So you're one - of the three people from Wyoming.
- Yeah.
Cowboy state, big sky country, home of the Liberty Bell.
Bull snatch.
That's an awful accent.
What is your real accent? Are you Australian or from Heaven? How old are you, for real? - Leave him alone.
- Don't bull-snatch a bull-snatcher.
Leave him alone.
You're over 21, right? I'm not.
Um I'm 20.
Get out of here, you delicious bastard.
- Can I get my I.
D.
back? - No, of course not, you can't.
It'd be against the law, you wonderful creature.
Nice to meet you, Cece.
Good God, you look nice.
Nothing irks me like underage drinking.
It's stupid, it's dangerous, it's irresponsible.
God, I want to have sex with that kid so bad, it's freaking me out! Oh.
I'm real tingly.
We have talk about the budget.
There's a problem with the budget? But it's due Monday.
- Yeah.
- Do we have too much money? - No.
- We need to fire people.
- What? - And when I say "we," I mean you.
Start with the most recent hires.
Well, we have, um Janet from the history department.
Human garbage.
Okay.
Ernie, uh Ah, yeah.
No.
That's Coach.
No.
No.
No.
No, he's very good at his job.
Last one in, first one out.
You know how this works.
- That's just wrong.
- This is the job, Ms.
Day.
He's my friend.
I can't.
No.
I'm not doing it.
I'm not firing Coach.
This is the job, Ms.
Day.
Do you want it or not? I'm what? We had to do budget cuts, and we have to let two people go, and you're my friend, and I couldn't stop it.
I'm so sorry.
We all pitched in.
Thanks, guys, I'm not coach anymore.
I'm just Coach.
- What? - What? Morning, Winston.
Are you not talking to me? Look, I had to fire Coach for my job.
I didn't want to.
Don't squint at me.
Don't do that.
I did it for my job.
It wasn't my choice.
- Hey, Nick, what's up, man? - What's up, Winnie? - Hey, Nick.
- Hey.
- Can we talk for a second? - Can I talk to you? Schmidt fired me, and now I'll never get to use this briefcase I just bought, and it was $19! - I think my thing is a little bit more - Do you think I'm sexier when I hold it or when it's down? 'Cause I think it's kind of sexier when I hold it, like this.
- Not really.
- Do I look like a man of power? Imagine this: It's, like, a rainy day, I'm on the streets of New York, Hey! Stop that cab! I'm a businessman.
I'm late to an important meeting.
I honestly feel like I would've been so good at this.
You don't want to be a lawyer.
Why do you care whether - Schmidt fired you or not? - I spent all those years at law school with those preppy dicks and I never got to prove them wrong, Jess.
Okay, go after what you want.
Just make sure that what you want doesn't make you a cog on the wheel - of a larger, flawed system.
- Stop it.
Shut your mouth.
'Cause what you're saying is beautiful.
I'm gonna go put on my power suit.
High and loud, girl.
Whoo! Um Good talk, Nick.
With this thing, I feel so sexy, It's disgusting.
- I think you misunderstood - Whoo! - Your representation running late? - Uh, no.
Actually, I'll be representing myself today.
Sorry we're late.
- What? - This building is a total mess.
Nick Miller of, uh, Cooper, Bishop and Furguson.
As you know, my boss and senior partner, Mr.
Winston Furguson.
Gentlemen, pleased to be with you.
Please, please don't get up, don't get up.
I-I insist.
Madam Secretary.
- What are you doing here? - I'm representing you.
- Everything all right? - I'm a bit caught off guard.
I wasn't expecting these two very real lawyers to show up today.
Well, we wanted to let you know that the entire firm is standing behind you.
Besides, whether I sit in my office or in here it's all billable.
Am I right, gentlemen? Shall we get into this, or just take our pants off? Ask him a question.
- Let me Let me do my thing.
- Do your thing.
Mr.
Baker.
Yes? What's your home address? Okay.
Uh, no no further questions.
What? - Keep going.
- Ow! Just keep going.
What are you Don't hit me.
What are you hitting me for? - Is everything all right? - Sure it is.
The meter's running.
Even though you don't work at Coolidge anymore, you'll still be Coach Coach to those kids.
It's Coach Coach.
Yeah, Coach Coach.
- Coach Coach.
- Coach Coa - Coach Coach.
- I'm sorry.
It's all good, Jess.
You did what you had to do.
I'm proud of you for that, okay? - Yeah.
- I hope I'm the first of many you fire.
That really means a lot to me.
I am gonna miss those kids, though.
- Yeah.
- That's what I'm gonna miss.
Those little those little bastards.
Little Ronnie.
Ronnie's so clumsy and slow.
- Yeah.
- Thomas.
I mean, he's strong, but that boy is a classic middle child.
He's just looking for love, up, back and sideways.
And Maurice.
He always makes a mess whenever he eats a Popsicle.
It's, like, dude, stop sucking your Popsicle like that, man.
You're never gonna get a girlfriend like that.
And then there's Hunter.
God Fat cross-eyed clod-hopping Hunter.
Hunter is the sweetest little idiot there ever was.
He's so sweet! He's so sweet! Ahh Screw this! Because you told me to go after what I wanted, and this is not what I wanted.
Let's go! We're gonna get you to that game! It's okay.
They're playing Pasadena.
They don't stand a chance.
Pasadena has a bunch of bitch-ass tricks.
Weren't raised right.
Hey, what do you want? I don't know.
I want to be there.
So, spike that ball! That was not a ball.
That was beer.
I know.
I feel really bad about it.
- You know what? Don't feel bad! - Let's go! - Let's go! - You got me all fired up! I think you're gonna have to drive.
Mr.
Miller: "Were you or were you not wearing oversized shoes in the store?" Mr.
Baker: "I was not.
I told you that.
" Mr Miller: "But are you sure?" Mr.
Schmidt: "Shut up, Nick.
" Mr.
Miller: "Let me do this.
Ow.
Stop it.
" Mr.
Schmidt: "Stop what? You're hitting yourself.
" Mr.
Miller: "You're a child.
" Mr.
Schmidt: "A child would be a better lawyer.
" Mr.
Furguson: "Children are our future.
" Mr.
Berklan: "So true.
" Mr.
Miller: "I need to regroup.
I'm gonna stall a little bit.
Watch this.
Could the lady typer read that back?" All right, all right, we've had enough.
My client is graciously willing to settle for $20,000.
As an actual real attorney, I highly suggest you take the deal.
- Great.
We'll do - Not a chance.
There's not a chance.
Sidebar.
Come on, Schmidt.
- Hurry up.
- Just You are not taking that settlement.
Well, Nick, at least if it's $20,000, I can get out of that hole some day.
I've got a plan.
You just have to give me a chance.
Can you believe in me? All right, I believe in you.
Deal.
- Deal.
- What's the plan? Oh, I'm not telling you.
You're gonna get too mad.
Let's go.
Nick, I take it back! I don't I don't believe in you! Here.
How long is this game? Go get 'em, Coach.
All right, listen up, you no-talent, idiot babies! Give me that.
Give me that.
Give me that.
Give me that.
Oh, thank God.
Bring it in.
Come on.
All right, now, who is gonna win this match?! Coolidge! Who's number one? Coolidge! Let me hear it! Who are we? - Coolidge! - Rakim! Really, Rakim? Like I just walked you right up to it, and you're gonna We're gonna talk.
- Coolidge! - Too late, man.
It's too late.
All right, guys, get out there and make me proud! - Ms.
Day? - What? What is going on? I thought you fired Coach.
Look, Coach loves the kids, and the kids love him.
I want this job, but I'm not going to do it your way.
I'm not going to let our best people go.
You were the one who told me, we have no money.
Yeah, but we can make it up in other ways, we can be creative.
We can rent out the multipurpose room after school to local clubs.
And where will the orchestra practice? Did you ever consider that, Ms.
Day? Or were you too busy buying a ladies bike? - What? - They can use the library.
No one goes in there anyway.
Yeah, let's burn the books! Except for The Da Vinci Code.
Well, that took a weird turn, but Thank you, Susan.
That-that's so nice.
What a great solution.
Come on! Let's do it! Oh! Hunter, you animal! Yeah! Hit the robot.
Uh, uh, yeah, hit it.
I guess we can figure out some way to keep him here.
God, you frost my cookies.
Thank you.
Way! Uh! Wait, what am I Get get back out there.
We got We still have a game to play.
Hey, Coach, guess what? - Ball! Oh.
- Oh.
It's okay.
Don't laugh, guys.
- Did you see that hit her face? - I'm okay.
I'm gonna sit down.
So, are you gonna sit, or? No, I'm gonna stand.
'Cause isn't that what we are doing? Standing for the little guy? What is the plan? Injustice! I will not stand for it.
That is why I will sit right now.
I will sit down in this chair You're negligent! Aah! Get off me! My neck! My neck! Seriously? The fall-down on the chair bit? - Is this your first case? - Yes, it is.
And that is why I'll file petition on petition.
You're gonna wake up in the morning to paperwork.
You're gonna go to bed at night to paperwork.
So how about this, gentlemen? You pay the $20,000 settlement to your client yourself, and you'll never see our faces again.
What do you call a lunatic who's only got one case and no hobbies? Your worst nightmare.
Let's go, guys.
Listen, Bill, if you ever want to play with the big boys, you'll give me a ring, won't you? This is a baseball card.
Yeah.
All right! - All right.
You did it.
- I did it.
- Salud.
- Cheers! - Oh! - Oh! Another round of shots.
- On the house! - You don't get to say that, Winnie.
You know that, right? Okay.
Oh, I knew you'd come back for me.
So what do you want to do now? You want to just drive? Oh, no.
Mike! - What? - Ple I got it.
Thank you.
Hey, what you doing here? - I just wanted to come and say - Mm-hmm.
First things first.
The legal drinking age in Australia is 18.
Second, you're really beautiful.
Like, you're really beautiful.
Like, I want to take you out some time.
But because I'm 20 and already at a bit of a disadvantage, I thought I'd come and do some uncharacteristic self-promotion to help the cause? - Okay.
- And let you know that well, I just opened my own business.
I build boats.
Uh, wooden boats with my hands.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um, old ladies love me.
They call me sensitive.
And I'm a really good cook.
But I know three dishes, and two of those dishes are the same thing.
Yeah, that's about it, so, what do you think? Do you want to get a drink? Like a soft drink with you? - Soft drink, a walk.
- Can you have a coffee? - Yeah, I love coffee.
- Mm-hmm.
It's one of the three meals that I know how I make.
All right.
- Oh, do it! - Well, done, sir! - Oh! - Oh, yeah.
Or you know what? We could actually we could probably just go now.
I'd like to comb your hair, you hunk.
I don't know who they are.
They just come in here, and they drink, and make a lot of noise and talk about things they don't know about! Hey, Mike, I'm gonna take a break.
Um I don't know when I'll be back.
I'll just meet you out front.
Stop what you're doing.
There's a lawyer here to make Jessica? Jessica, I won the case.
If you woke up right now, we could be making love.
Jessica? Power couple.