The Conners (2018) s03e19 Episode Script

1 This is cool.
I didn't know there was a book of hundreds of tattoos you could pick from.
I want a tattoo of all the boys in BTS.
Well, there's seven of them.
You'd need two more arms.
What if you do four of them on Mark and then three on me? And we can walk around with our sleeves rolled up and put our arms together to show people.
Yes, and then we can beat each other up to save the bullies a lot of time.
Okay, neither of you are getting a tattoo.
It's illegal until you're 18.
[Door opens.]
Oh, perfect timing.
Love you.
Bye.
Hey, Mom, you remember how you said you would do anything to help my career as a tattoo artist? Oh, yeah.
I was lying.
Come on.
Let me give you a tattoo.
I'll never get a part-time chair unless I have a tattoo to show the lead artist by this weekend.
I might be in Hawaii this weekend.
What? Ben said he didn't want to go and you said you'd sell the tickets.
Yeah, I know.
People keep pointing that out.
I'm still thinking about going by myself, if I have to.
Mm, well, I think you deserve it.
And when you get back, I'll give you a great tattoo in exchange for my silence.
Wish it was that easy.
How can I go without telling Ben? Yeah, I know.
It'd be lying.
No, I'm asking.
How do I do this without telling Ben? Wow, you're not giving this up.
It must really bug you that Ben doesn't want to go.
It more than bugs me.
It's made me question the whole relationship.
Damn.
Don't get between you and a luau.
Uh, somebody left the back door open, and I just saw a stranger run out with the last beer in the fridge.
Now, it all happened so fast that I couldn't get a clear ID.
So, uh, you avoiding me? You haven't returned my calls in a week.
Is this 'cause you're mad that my mom talked to your dad? She didn't talk to him.
She ambushed him, and you didn't do a thing about it even though you know what a monster she can be.
Yes.
But, in this case, Godzilla finally stepped on the right villager.
I think she did the right thing.
Telling my dad to sell his house 'cause he's trapping his kids here? - [Sighs.]
- And she only did it to make up for what a terrible mom she's been to you.
This is better than her helping my sixth-grade girlfriend write me an incredibly specific "I'm breaking up with you" note.
My mom thought Lisa could do better.
Certainly hasn't had that talk with me.
Okay, look, I know my mom did it the wrong way, but she's just trying to get us together.
Oh, well, if she could get us on vacation together, that'd be better.
Are you still on that?! I I don't even know what to say if you can't get the bigger picture.
I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
I don't want to talk about it anymore, either.
- Fine! - Fine! Bye! Okay, well, I guess I'll hear from you when I hear from you.
Next thing you're gonna hear from me is "aloha.
" 3x19 - Jeopardé, Sobrieté, and Infidelité We were really worried when you had COVID.
It's so great that you're back here now.
Aww, I missed you guys, too.
Yeah, we were worried that if you died, we'd never eat good again.
Oh, Mark! Mary! Dinner! Oh, my God, Jackie, your episode of "Jeopardy" is on tomorrow.
Now can you tell us what happened? Nope, not fair to the rest of America.
The agreement said not till the show airs.
Well, your heel's still duct-taped to your shoe, so I'm guessing you didn't crush it.
Well, you don't know that.
Why do you think lottery winners keep it secret when they win? They're not worried about criminals.
They're worried about family.
The menace within.
- Hey! - Hey! You got out of rehab! I thought that was tomorrow morning.
Yeah, but I wanted to sleep in my own bed tonight so I could cuddle up with Beverly Rose in the morning.
You should have told us you were getting out early.
I was gonna wait outside the walls of the joint with a cheap suit and 50 bucks.
Actually, there wasn't much of a goodbye, um, but they gave me this plant to see if I could keep it alive which isn't very reassuring when you already have a kid.
Oh, well, should I schedule you for a double shift tomorrow? Nope.
No more double shifts, and school is on the back burner.
Oh, wow.
So, all your motivation was in the booze, huh? You're missing the point, my tiny terror.
I'm prioritizing spending more time with Beverly Rose, working normal hours, and living a healthy life, and helping everyone around me do the same.
Oh, I get it.
Life before dreams.
See that right there? You always go negative, Darlene.
You say "dreams" like I'm giving something up instead of "good for you," like Dad always says.
I'm positive.
In rehab, we'd call you a "filterer," and I'm supposed to avoid you.
Oh, hey, your rehab was good for me, too.
Sounds like your head's on straight, Beck.
Really, Dad? Another beer? What's in that can? Is it the foamy head of regret? Is it the cool, clean taste of paths not taken with bubbles of guilt? Based on the river it's from I'm gonna say bear pee and slugs, but I'm just trying to get a buzz.
[Laughs.]
That is the classic laugh of an enabler.
Oh, wasn't that one of Batman's villains? The Enabler? He wasn't violent, but he would support people's bad habits until it killed 'em.
Dan, you probably shouldn't drink in front of Becky.
She just got here.
I can't ask her to leave.
So, uh, Louise and I will eat and drink out in the garage.
I'll join you when I'm done.
You know, it only takes a few people to start an AA meeting.
Oh, you might have to push a little hard on the garage door.
Sometimes it sticks when it's double-bolted and locked.
Wow.
Good for you, Aunt Becky.
I'm doing a presentation on addiction in Health Sciences, and I'm going to add in family influence.
Why don't you just bring me in? Part of my rehab is being of service to others.
W-Well, I was gonna do a graph with a beer bottle to show how your life goes down along with the level of beer in the bottle, so I don't know.
That's a B-minus, maybe a C-plus.
You have a real-life alcoholic in your home, and what does "alcoholism" start with? An "A"! [Sighs.]
Hey.
Hey.
My, uh, sister's coming back to work tomorrow from rehab.
Spoiler alert she's high on life, and it's gonna make you want to drink.
Not me.
I don't need alcohol to feel good about the world.
There's mushrooms, peyote, those frogs you can lick.
So, um I don't know what you're doing this weekend, but how would you like to go to Hawaii? Are you serious? Pff.
Hell, yeah.
So, uh, what? You couldn't change your boyfriend's mind, huh? Uh, no.
I I didn't ask him again.
Ah.
You know what? Good for you.
You don't need a man to tell you to go have fun with another man.
[Chuckles.]
Great relationship advice for any situation.
Thank you.
You're gonna love Hawaii.
It's amazing.
I know so many cool things to do.
There's this one place where you can zip line over an active volcano.
Oh, great.
You do that, and I'll be swimming in a crystal clear lagoon.
If the volcano doesn't roast you like a pig, we'll have lunch.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Ah, crap.
"Crap," what? That's not your boyfriend, is it? I already booked us a shark dive.
No.
It's his mom.
She wants to have dinner.
I'd rather do the shark dive wearing a dress made out of bloody seals.
Don't book that.
I'm kidding, you know? Your brain isn't fully developed until you're 25, and drinking can interfere with that.
Throw in you being on social media 11 hours a day, and you're gonna end up a generation of morons.
So, get it together, kids.
Uh, we still have a half-hour.
Anybody have any questions? So, it's okay to drink as much as you want after you turn 25? It's a slippery slope.
First, you take a drink.
Then your drink takes a drink.
Then your drink orders 10 tequila shots, and you end up having unprotected sex in a freezer with a total stranger.
My story.
What a good answer.
So, thanks for coming by, Aunt Becky, and I'll see you at home.
How do you know if you're gonna be an addict and not just a person who drinks once in a while? Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I can tell you about you.
You've been chewing on that pencil pretty good.
That's an early indication of anxiety.
If you don't get to the bottom of that, you're gonna end up doing nitrous poppers under a bridge with some deranged dentist.
My mom says I just need to play outside more.
Mark, why don't you help your aunt out to her car? Come on, Aunt Becky.
We're cutting into time for our chapter on domestic abuse.
Ooh! A lot of domestic abuse is alcohol-related.
One of the women in my group set her husband on fire.
It's okay! He lived! You have the board, Jackie.
"Her-story" for $2,000, Aaron.
She led the French against the English in the Hundred Years' War.
Jackie? Who is Edith Piaf? No.
Maryann or Brock? [Beep.]
We were looking for Joan of Arc.
Well, there are two correct answers, then.
Edith Piaf, "La Vie En Rose," War of the Roses.
I'm sure the judges would accept either.
No, Edith Piaf is a French singer, and those are two entirely different wars.
I know the histoire de la guerre.
Uh, we're really gonna do this? That's the end of Double Jeopardy!, and, Jackie, I am sorry, but you're in the negative, and you're not gonna be around to play Final Jeopardy! Great news for Maryann and Brock you will be.
And tonight, our category is Famous Cats.
Make your wagers, players.
- [Sighs.]
- And we will be right [Television shuts off.]
Well, you were on "Jeopardy!" They can't take that away from you.
No.
No, sir, they cannot.
The important thing is you had fun.
You had fun, right? Fun? What are you talking about? She just exploded all over national television.
I think I saw little bits of her on the camera lens.
- Oop.
- [Cellphone rings.]
Well, hold on, because you don't know the whole story.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Why did you think you had to go on a show where you have to know things? Why couldn't you just go on a show where you have to be naked and afraid? What's the name of that show? "Naked and Afraid"? That's the one.
You'd think by now you'd know you can't do anything you set your mind to.
Yeah, I still have that pencil case you wrote that on.
You're a small person.
Live a small life.
That way, no one else knows when you're failing.
It's like passing gas in the bathtub.
You should be taking showers, Mom.
It's easier to slip that way.
But, um, just for your information, I was about to tell everybody here that right when they went to commercial, they realized that my buzzer was broken, so they're bringing me back to be on a future show to make up for their mistake.
- Oh.
- Hey.
It's your decision, dear.
All I'm saying is, if at first you don't succeed, get the message.
You're a failure.
All right, then.
I love you.
Bye! [Groans.]
I'm I'm Ben's mother, Barb.
Oh.
You must be Dan Conner's girlfriend.
Yes, I am.
You're riding that rock 'n' roll horse till it drops, aren't you? Well, aren't you a sassy old bitch.
Thank you.
I think I think it's a crime that people aren't more honest with each other.
Yeah, and I think it's a crime we're not allowed to hit our customers, but here we are.
Oh, Barb, this is Louise.
I see you've danced with the cobra.
Just give us a minute to look at the menu.
I'll give you till tomorrow.
That's my day off.
Must be a burden being liked by everyone.
Look, I-I should just say that it was not my intention to create problems between you and Ben.
What I was trying to do was create problems between you and your father.
Oh, well, the important thing is, you were trying to create problems.
You know what? This is gonna go a lot better if I have something to drink, and since Louise is wisely never coming back, can I get you something? Yeah, a margarita, frozen, no salt, slice of lime, brandy floater.
You'll get what you get.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
[Sighs.]
What the hell are you doing? Don't be rude.
I'm just trying to read your texts.
It's from someone named Jeff who is talking about the two of you going to Hawaii.
I-I thought you sold those tickets.
That's what Ben said.
Uh, well, I didn't.
And, yes, I-I'm going to Hawaii with Jefflene.
[Laughs.]
Am I supposed to believe that's a girl's name? Nobody does.
That's why she goes by "Jeff.
" [Laughs.]
So, you're going to Hawaii with another guy? All right, look, it's completely platonic, and I begged Ben to go with me.
Is that supposed to excuse it? Well, four days in Hawaii is not gonna hurt anybody.
Then why are you sneaking? Because Ben wants me to sell the tickets to pay for bills.
He doesn't get it.
I'm trying to live in the moment, and now you're gonna tell Ben, and it's all gonna get blown out of proportion.
No, no.
I'm not going to tell Ben because I'm hoping that you will do the right thing.
You're looking at someone who made a mistake under the guise of living in the moment.
It wrecked my relationship with my husband and with my son, and it ruined my life.
Is that what you want? Look, my friend died, and it made me realize that we have like 15 minutes on this planet.
At the end, she was just trying to live her life to the fullest, and that's all I'm trying to do.
Yeah, well, Ben is spending his 15 minutes living in the hardware store to try to make this work.
How do you define "living life to the fullest," Darlene? Four days in Hawaii, or sacrificing something like he is to be with someone who's going to love you for the rest of your life? Well, if I say Hawaii now, it's gonna look bad.
Penny for your thoughts? I lied, Neville.
"Jeopardy!" isn't actually bringing me back.
Here's what happened.
And we are clear.
Hey.
Get the Aaron, I have to talk to you.
I mean, I'm sorry, but I really should be advancing, too.
I had every right answer.
Yeah, but you said it after you heard one of the other contestants say it first.
I It's Okay, I think that there's something wrong with the buzzer.
Could it be possible that maybe you were just pressing it a little bit late? Well, then, how do you explain this? Oh, yeah, su Well, now that it's not costing you a dime, it works great.
Look, the rules are the rules, and I'm sorry, but you're not gonna advance to Final Jeopardy! Just t-this.
I've been feeling this all game.
I understand.
I know you have to be hard on me because you're feeling guilty about the obvious chemistry here.
Between who and who? In the meantime, why don't you throw a couple thousand bucks into my account 'cause of the faulty buzzer, and then, uh, we can play ourselves some Final Jeopardy! [Laughs.]
- Uh - Come on, man.
Man, ple [Laughs.]
My mother's gonna be watching this, and I really don't want to disappoint her again.
How about, instead, I just walk you to your car, and we'll make a little video for your mother.
Yeah, that'd be so helpful.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
Uh, she's not really a sports person, so if you could just say you're Jon Hamm.
Sure, you got it.
[Laughs.]
Look, just meet me outside, and, uh, you know, I'll be right there after Final Jeopardy! Thank you, "Jon.
" He was full of crap.
They had me in handcuffs the second I hit the parking lot.
I should have told everybody the truth, but I was so ashamed.
And now I'm just gonna have to fess up and be the failure my mother always told me that I would be.
No.
Not this time.
I know just what to do.
Okay, text your mother this.
Trust me.
Okay.
"To my lifelong adversary.
I am going to turn this failure into a success so big that you will choke on it.
" "And finally be dead"? No, we're taking the high ground.
Send it.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Oh, wow.
[Laughs.]
This is amazing.
So, what's the plan? I have no idea.
What? I sent it already.
- What do we do now? - I-I don't know.
I mean, I came up with the text plan.
Now you do something.
But you don't even have an idea? We'll come up with something.
Imagine how embarrassed you'll be if we don't.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, she's here.
[Clears throat.]
[Clears throat.]
Hey.
What's going on? Becky, uh, everybody here wants the best for you, but you're hurting the people that you love.
This is an intervention.
What? I'm not drinking.
That's the problem.
So, you want me to start drinking? No, no, of course not.
We're all very proud of what you've accomplished.
We just want you to shut up about it.
Oh, I get it.
They warned me in rehab that you guys wouldn't be as healthy as I am and there'd be push-back.
So, I'm just gonna have to be really patient with all of you, and then you can come to me when your lives fall apart.
That's all we're asking for.
Uh, oh, you know what? Could you all stay here for a second? I'd like to say something, and I'd like y'all to hear it.
[All groaning.]
So, I need to confess something to Ben.
I didn't sell the Hawaii tickets when I told you that I did, and I feel terrible.
But Molly died, and I was thinking about my mortality, and that can make you do really stupid things.
But I've sold the tickets now, and I'm putting the money towards my dad's mortgage, and I cannot wait to move in together, and I love you.
Well, thank you for those very private thoughts in front of your entire family.
I'm happy to hear that you can't wait to move in with me for the fourth or fifth time.
And, uh, thank you, once again, for saying that you won't lie to me right after you do.
It's been a long journey back to where I thought we were, but by God, we're there.
Uh, okay, I deserved that, but I have one more thing to show you how much I care.
Please, everybody, step into the kitchen.
[All groaning.]
It's poker night with the newest member of our family, Barb Olinsky! [Laughs.]
What do you say, Dan? Let bygones be bygones? Sure! Nice watch, Barb.
Thanks, Dan.
It's a woman's watch.
Won't be when it's on my wrist, Barb.
- I bet 25.
- Hmm.
Saw you on "Jeopardy!," Jackie.
Hope you don't fold here the way you folded there.
BEN: Oh, Mom.
Don't bite, Jackie.
She's just baiting you.
She doesn't scare me.
All in.
- Oh! [Laughs.]
- Oh! Three queens.
Sweet.
Yeah, the full Edith Piaf! Wrong answer again! Three aces.
- [Becky gasps.]
- [Groans.]
Hey, Becky.
Barb's on her third glass of wine.
Get her.