The Exes (2011) s03e19 Episode Script

Hello, all.
If I'm beaming, it's because something wonderful has happened.
I'm about to become a partner in the most prestigious dental practice in New York City.
- Oh.
- Wow, Stuart.
Sounds incredibly snooty and overpriced.
Ah Oh, it is.
I've met the partners.
They love my work.
There's just one final hurdle.
The swimsuit competition? The senior partner is hosting a dinner party to make sure that we all mesh socially.
My companion for the evening will be a woman of extraordinary beauty and sophistication.
Well, you've gotta spend money to make money.
Stuart, I'm really happy for you.
- Congratulations.
- Yes, me too.
- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- Oh, well, I I wouldn't say no to a celebratory libation.
How the hell did we pop out of the same womb? What a day.
I just got a text from a young lady I used to date that she might be pregnant.
- Oh.
- My God, Phil.
I know.
I spent an hour sweating it out waiting for the results.
And? And the pee stick came back negative.
Oh! Yeah.
She even sent me a picture.
Oh.
What a cute little minus sign.
Phil, let me be the first to say you're an idiot.
How the hell could you let this happen? I use protection.
It's not my fault I have super sperm that can bust through latex.
I hear you.
When you're out there as much as we are, sooner or later, one of your boys is gonna pull a Houdini.
- Listen, Phil.
- Hmm? Eventually, your luck is gonna run out.
Now might be the right time to start thinking about making some serious changes.
You're absolutely right.
I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy.
I read a study that said that women are more likely to sleep with a man who's had a vasectomy.
That could be just the little push I've been needing at closing time.
- Well, I'll do it if you do it.
- And I'll do it if you do it.
We'll do it together.
We'll be snip buddies.
I would be proud to get neutered with you.
- No, no, no, no, no! - Yeah! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You guys.
This is a life-changing decision.
I mean, how do you know you won't wanna have kids someday? She's right.
You want kids? - No, you? - No.
Thank you.
I'm still trying to decide what to wear to the party.
Should I go with my classic brioni or my more relaxed Armani? Well, that depends.
Are you wearing your hair up or down? Mm.
You know Oh, it's my date for Saturday night.
Bonjour, ma cherie.
She's French.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Ca va bien.
Et toi? Oui, oui, oui, oui.
Well, that's a load of horse crap.
Uh, hello? Hello? She just canceled on me, some nonsense about having to fly to Paris for work.
Mm.
Sounds like you're le screwed.
What am I supposed to do? I don't have a date for the party.
- Oh, what's the big deal? Just go alone.
- I can't.
I already rsvped plus-one.
How's that gonna look? Three partners, their wives, me, an empty chair.
No, no, no, I have to find someone to replace her.
Well, if it helps you out, I'll go with you.
Who could I possibly find at this late hour? Yoo hoo? Hello? I am asking you out.
Thank you, but I don't think it would work out.
Why not? Well, for one thing, you're my sister.
Uh, well, it wouldn't be the first time you took a relative to a party.
Nicki, no offense, but you're just not what I had in mind.
That's okay.
No offense taken.
- Okay.
- Yeah, come here.
You have something on your shirt.
- What? - Yeah, right here Ow, oh! Ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
The Exes - S03E19 My Fair Stuart Yeah, come on in.
- Hey, Stuart, what's up? - I'm desperate.
My date for the partners' dinner bailed on me.
I've called every woman I know.
At this point, I just need a warm body.
Will you go with me? You know what's sad? That's the exact same way I got asked to my prom.
Just l'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know what? That came out wrong.
Look, you're charming.
You're beautiful.
You're sophisticated.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put the shovel down.
I'll go.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Aw, I can almost see my name on the door now.
Grayson, Davidson, Gardner, and Fischbach.
Dr.
Larry Fischbach? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
How perfect is this? - You know him? - Oh, I know him.
I represented his ex-wife in their divorce.
I gutted him like a fish Bach.
Well, you're useless.
What am I supposed to do? Hi, hi.
- What about Eden? - Eden? You're right.
She's smart.
She's funny.
She's pretty.
- Eden, what the hell happened? - Do me a favor.
If you ever hear me say the words, "I bet I can catch a champagne cork in my mouth," stop me.
Hey, Nicki.
What? Well, I've been thinking about your generous offer to accompany me to the dinner party Saturday night.
And, you know, upon reflection Crapped out, huh? - Big time.
- Yeah.
Nicki, will you please go with me? - Please.
- One more please? - Please.
- Nah, I got plans.
Aw.
Come on, I'm yanking your chain.
I'll go with you.
Aw.
Thank you, Nicki.
Yes! Whoo, hoo! Sorry.
Just got excited.
My sister agreed to go out with me.
Finally.
Where the hell had you go for food, man? Jersey? Actually, yes.
But for sonic, it's worth it.
It's made to order, and it's brought out by a lovely young woman on roller skates.
Well, who needs her when I got you, big guy? Well, I wasn't fishing for compliments, but thanks.
Hey, guys.
Look who I found in the lobby.
You remember Cooper from upstairs? - Yeah, hi, kid.
- Hey, what's up, man? Hey.
Hey, Phil.
Couldn't you see yourself tossing a ball around with a kid like this on a Sunday afternoon? Uhhuh.
And Haskell, wouldn't it be great to have a kid like this to wake you up in case there was a fire? If I wanted to know if there was a fire, I would've put a battery in that thing.
Anyway, I know what you're up to.
Yeah, you're not gonna change our minds about having the procedure.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
It's just that sometimes in our busy, single lives, we lose sight of the joys of having children.
How come you don't have kids? Well, little guy, I just haven't met the right man yet.
What if you don't? I will.
He's out there somewhere.
But what if he isn't? I said he is.
My mom said, "your boat has sailed.
" My boat is fine.
It just hasn't left the dock in a while.
- Hey.
- Hi, Nicki.
Whatcha doin' here? Well, I come bearing gifts.
I bought you a little something to wear to the party.
Stuart, what do you think, I'm some rube that doesn't know how to dress? I think I'll wear whatever I - Ooh, that is nice.
- Mmhmm.
Thank you.
It's Kate spade.
Oh.
We have to date more often.
Okay, now, remember, no one at the party can know that you're my sister.
Yes, I know.
I know.
I'm your date Nicki.
Actually, you're my date Nicole.
What? What's wrong with Nicki? - It is my name.
- I know.
But Nicole sounds elegant.
Nicki sounds like someone who would pay you a visit if the jets don't cover the spread.
All right, all right, you sprung for the dress.
- I will give you Nicole.
- Thank you.
Now, all we have to do is come up with an occupation for you.
I've got one, Bartender.
Okay, but how about we class it up a little bit and call you "master sommelier"? Hm? Ah.
How much do you know about wine? What's there to know? There's white, red, rose, and fizzy.
Oh, I'm so screwed.
Stuart, come on.
I'm kidding with you.
- Will you lighten up? - I can't, I can't.
Look, being a part of a practice like this is something I've dreamed of all my life.
Well, listen, you don't have to worry about me.
I'm great at parties.
I know how to tawk to people.
You mean you know how to talk to people.
Right, that's what I said.
No, you said "tawk.
" It's "talk.
" - That's right, tawk.
- No, talk.
- Tawk.
- Talk.
- Tawk.
- There's no W in "talk.
" Okay, fine, tawk, tawk, and now I am wawking you to the dawr.
- There's no "W" in "door.
" - Oh, shut up.
Stuart.
Come on in.
- Glad you could make it.
- Thank you.
And who is this lovely lady? Ah, this is my date, Nicole.
Nicole, I'd like you to meet Dr.
Nicholas Grayson.
Please.
My friends call me Nicky.
- Oh.
- What a nice name.
Pleasure to meet you.
Stuart, Nicole, this is my wife, Miriam.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Please, call me Micki.
Oh.
Another nice name.
That is an absolutely gorgeous dress.
Oh, thank you.
It's Kate Spade.
Yes, Stuart surprised me with it.
He said, "no occasion, just because.
" Good for you, Stuart.
It is important to keep the romance alive.
Yes.
I completely agree.
- Stuart.
- Thank God! Hello.
Hello.
Dr.
Davidson, hello.
Hi.
- This is my date, Nicole.
- This is my wife, Tanner.
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you.
You look awfully familiar.
Oh, I don't think we know each other.
Are you sure? Where'd you go to school? She went to Vassar.
I went to Vassar.
Oh, what are the odds? Well, we're about the same age.
Oh, you must have known Lindsey Pruit.
- You know, I don't - Actually, yes! Yes, I do remember Lindsey.
Yeah, she was the one who was always bragging about - Her horses.
- Mmm.
Right, right.
And then she was going out with that, uh - Frederick.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, what a bore! We were so relieved when they broke up.
Yes.
I was so happy when she finally met, uh Susan.
I did not see that coming.
Well Ow ow ow ow The doctor said there, uh There'd be some discomfort and mild swelling.
Mild? I feel like I'm smuggling egg plants between my legs! Aah! The worst part is over.
Look.
Now all you have to do is put these on.
On what? Well, according to the post surgical instructions, you have to wear them for support.
Okay.
But there's gonna be some overflow.
It also says here you're gonna need some ice for the swelling.
I'll go get you some.
Does it say when I can have sex again? It says in a week.
Please let it be me.
You guys are Ow! Ow Don't you "ow" me.
You didn't go through with it, did you? I was planning to, and then the nurse came in and she said the most terrifying thing I ever heard.
- What? - Mr.
Lutz You're next.
Nicki, I need to use the restroom.
Well, aren't you a big boy for letting me know? You gonna be okay if I leave you here alone? Stuart, would you knock it off? You've been babysitting me all night go pee-pee.
Go! Oh, wonderful news.
The orchestra we want is available for Ralph and Laura's wedding.
Great! I'm paying for 30 musicians, and our son can't dance a step.
What? Who can't dance? Our son Ralph.
What? That's ridiculous! I can teach him.
That's very kind of you, but you don't have to.
No, I have to.
A groom has to dance at his own wedding! Come on.
We can do it right now.
- Now? - Yes.
No time like the present.
Come on, let's get it going! Hey, Docs, I need you to move this table.
Make a little room here.
Right.
Get a little exercise in ya, right? And do you have anything with like a Latin beat? - I think so.
- Great! What's, uh, what's going on? We doing some kind of party game? No, your girlfriend is about to give the Graysons' son a dance lesson.
- She's what? - Yeah! 'Scuse me.
Nicole.
Nicole.
- Yeah? - 'Scuse me.
- What the hell are you doing? Sit down! - Oh, would you relax, Stuart? I got this.
What is keeping that klutz? - Here he is.
- Oh! Hello.
I'm Ralph.
Hi, Ralph.
Well, congratulations on your wedding.
- Well, thanks.
- What's the matter with you? - You can't dance? - Dancing just isn't my thing.
No? Well, I can teach you, okay? Now, just let the music take you.
Don't think too much about it.
Okay.
One hand here.
One hand here.
Now, just let the music take you.
Don't think.
Here we go.
We're gonna go quick, quick, slow.
Quick, quick, slow.
Yeah, this is not great.
You know what? Get your hips into it, man! Come on! There ya go! Quick, quick, slow That's right.
Okay, you're gonna turn me.
Don't be scared.
Oh, yes! Very good.
I got this.
Yeah, you got What's this? What's this What do you know? - It's all in the hips.
- Yeah, it is all in the hips, isn't it? Uh-huh! Uh-oh, look at Oh.
Okay.
Well, I did have a lesson in college.
Or two.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Oh! Okay, listen.
Oh, I ain't scared of you, buddy.
I'll do it.
Let's do it! Let's do it.
Oh, my! Oh, yeah, okay, come on Whoo! Very strong.
You know what? For a beginner, you are not that bad.
I know.
I know.
I think I'm ready for dancing with the stars.
Okay.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Button that back up, okay? Nicole, that was wonderful! Oh, my pleasure! And on that lovely note, the dinner is ready.
Wow.
Wow! You almost gave me a coronary.
Somehow it all worked out.
- Somehow.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know you could dance.
- Yeah.
You didn't think I could dance or dress myself or talk to people.
You know what? These people accept me, where as you You're ashamed of me.
- That's not true.
- Oh, that's not true? "She's not a bartender.
She's a sommelier.
"She didn't go to Community College.
She went to Vassar.
" Keep your voice down, Nicole.
That's another thing.
You're even ashamed of my name.
And do you know why? Because you are a phony.
- I am not.
- Oh, really? I'm Stuart Gardner, big-shot dentist on Park Avenue.
Well, let me tell you something, okay? At the end of the day, you are still little Stewie from Staten Island.
- You take that back.
- I will not.
- Take it back.
- Oh, I hit a nerve.
You know, uh What the hell was I thinking bringing my sister as my date? You're dating your sister? Well, no, not anymore, because we just broke up.
I came to apologize.
Hmm.
Well, just make sure you use small words or I might not understand it.
Okay.
I deserve that.
Nicki, I'm not ashamed of you.
I'm ashamed of myself for the way I treated you.
Keep going.
You're right.
You're right, I I am a phony.
Oh, no matter what I do or however successful I become, I always still see myself as weird little Stewie from staten island.
Trying to run away from him all my life.
Well, maybe it's time you stopped running.
Maybe it is.
I'm sorry about tonight.
You deserve better.
Ugh, come on.
It's what family does.
We show how much we love each other by making each other miserable.
Well, then there was a lot of love in that room tonight.
Oh, yeah, there was! You know what? I'm gonna email Dr.
Grayson, tell him I don't want any part of that snooty practice.
- He kicked ya out, didn't he? - On my ass.
Haskell? Did you tell Phil you didn't go through with it? No.
I didn't have the balls.
And now Neither does he.
I hope you're happy.
Thanks to you, that poor man is upstairs writhing in pain, knowing he can never conceive.
Hey, baby.
- You lying coward! - Huh? I thought we had an agreement.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
I'm just working through I'm working through the pain.
Oh, really? I hardly believe that a man who's had a vasectomy could do this.
Wait a second.
You didn't get it done either.
Yes.
But I had a really good reason.
Uhhuh? And what's that? I was scared like a little girl.
What's yours? Well, I figured maybe someday I will want kids.
That and the little girl thing.
Yeah.
Well, at least we learned one thing.
Never make a life-changing decision in a bar.
Right? I should get that tattooed on my chest.
Yeah.
I've always wanted a tattoo.
Me too.
I'll do it if you do it.
I'll do it if you do it.
- Let's do it! - Yeah!