The Office (US) s03e19 Episode Script

So, do you want to see it or not? I don't know.
They're, like, Friday night crowds Oh, my God.
You're, like, agoraphobic.
Agoraphobic? Yeah.
Really.
Yeah.
You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Absolutely correct.
Later, Jim.
Kev, have a good weekend.
Yeah, sure.
Bye.
Okay, so this is what's gonna happen.
You're going to suck it up.
Here we go.
And we're gonna go to dinner.
Okay.
And then we're gonna go to the movies.
Sounds good.
Hey, Halpert.
Hey.
Roy! Roy! God! Pam, please call security.
Every day for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees.
And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me.
Well, who's laughing now? No need for consternation.
Everything is under control.
Michael, last Friday, one of your employees attacked another employee in your office.
It was a crime of passion, Jan.
Not a disgruntled employee.
Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Is Toby there? No.
I'm here, Jan.
What is the situation, Toby? Well, we fired Roy, obviously.
And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
Thank God.
Yeah.
But now, apparently, Darryl has some issue with this No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months, and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.
Well, are you gonna take care of this? Yeppers.
What did I tell you about "yeppers"? I don't remember.
I told you not to say it.
Do you remember that? Yesh.
I really don't want to talk about it.
I don't mean to be rude.
But I just, I don't want to comment on what happened.
It sucked.
I guess all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there.
And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchakus or the throwing stars.
Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you for stopping Roy.
Thank you.
"Thank you" not necessary and thus not accepted.
I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Okay.
Got you something.
Don't want it.
You don't know what it is.
Don't want it, won't open it, don't need it, won't take it.
Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
It was a little glass display case for his bobblehead.
That would have made his evening, I think.
He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy.
Even-Steven.
No, don't call me a hero.
Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime.
Those are the real heroes.
Angela, Roy's check.
He's coming in later to pick it up.
Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
It was crazy.
Man.
You saw it? Describe it, please.
Well I heard some shouting, and I look over and Roy's by reception, and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody.
Jim says something, Roy stops over there, all of a sudden, bam, Roy goes down and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.
Oh.
It was insane.
Well, good for Dwight.
Okay, I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise because I need to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Where'd you get that? Wikipedia.
Wikipedia is the best thing ever.
Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Okay, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Hey, Mike, since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work and I need a raise.
Well, that's interesting, Darryl.
I think that maybe you should Can't hear you.
What I'm saying is that Still nothing.
Okay.
See what I did? No.
By leaning back and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.
Nice.
Okay, let's try another one.
Okay.
Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
And what happens in this one? That's a surprise.
Okay.
Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Can I have a raise? Sex.
Steve Martin.
Teri Hatcher.
What? What? Well, what did you say? I didn't say anything.
I was waiting to see what would happen.
No, it's It sounded interesting, what you were gonna I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim at a high rate of speed.
His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked, indicating an attack position.
Perp grabbed the victim.
I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Which is where? Irrelevant.
Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose and face area, rendering him utterly and completely disabled.
Then I contacted the authorities.
The end.
Thanks, Dwight.
That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
I can't imagine what I would have done.
I can.
You would have left me to fend for myself.
Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel, and that kid dropped a milkshake on me and you just laughed.
Well, that was funny.
That's why.
Oh, it was? Okay, well, the next time that you get scared that you think a murderer is in your apartment in the middle of the night, and you call me to calm you down Okay, you know what, I Could you stop? you can just call somebody else because I'm not going to do it anymore, Ryan.
I'm not.
Well, don't talk to me about calling There's a bunch of people back here.
I call you in the middle of the night Guys.
to tell you that I love you.
I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly.
But if he did intend that Wow.
Genius.
Yeah? You ready for me? Yes, yeah.
Absolutely.
Have a seat.
You know what, actually, let's go into the conference room.
Okay.
No, you know what, let's stay here.
Let's go.
Yeah, let's go to the conference room.
Tactic number six.
Change the location of the meeting at the last second.
Totally throws them off.
Number 14, declining to speak first.
Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.
I am declining to speak first.
Okay, I'll start.
It's pretty simple, really.
I think I deserve a raise.
I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now.
Darryl, you are a good worker and a good man.
I just You know, times are tight, and I just don't think corporate's going to go for this right now.
Are you wearing lady clothes? What? Are you wearing lady clothes? Those look like lady pants.
No.
This is a power suit.
That there is a woman's suit.
I do not buy women's clothes.
Do not make that mistake again.
I'm going to call Roy, man.
Okay.
All right.
This is going to make him feel better.
This is too good.
All right.
You know what, Pam, would you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? Oh, my God.
That's a woman's suit.
You're wearing a woman's suit? No.
I do I wear men's suits.
Okay? I got this out of a bin.
There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was riffling through them like crazy.
And I grabbed one.
And it fit.
So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit.
At the very least, it's bisexual.
Who makes it? It is mysterious, because the buttons are on the wrong side.
That's the mystery.
Look, it's got shoulder pads.
And did you see that lining? Okay.
Did you see that? Would you stop it, please? So none of that tipped you off? It's European, okay? It's a European cut.
Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
No, they don't, see? Italians don't wear pockets.
It's been a really rough couple of days.
This helps a little.
Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Let's just do this in 15.
Okay, can you stand right there for one second? I got to send some e-mails.
Negotiations are all about controlling things, about being in the driver's seat.
And you make one tiny mistake, you're dead.
I made one tiny mistake.
I wore women's clothes.
So, Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman? I feel great, Kevin.
Thank you.
You must have been scared out of your mind.
Well, you know, it happened so fast, I didn't really have time to be scared.
What happened, exactly? I wasn't here.
So I haven't really heard the whole story.
Well, Jim and I were talking.
And Roy walked in, looking super angry.
And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way and Roy cocked his fist.
And then? And then, bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
Goodness.
When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings.
Roy just attacked him.
I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.
Let's get down to business.
Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.
Well, it's simple, Mike.
I mean, we merged these two branches, right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to.
And with Roy gone, we've got a smaller crew.
And I'm picking up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly by getting a raise.
Well, those are very good points.
What? I can't hear you.
Those are very good points.
I can't What, Mike? Are you You make a very compelling argument.
Sorry I almost got you killed.
Yeah.
That was nuts.
He could have broken your nose or something.
Crazy.
It's just so stupid.
I mean, getting back with Roy and everything.
I mean, what I was thinking, right? No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Not anymore.
It's completely over now.
We'll see.
I'm sure you guys will find your way back to one another someday.
Jim.
I am really sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Don't worry about it.
I'm going to give you a piece of paper.
I want you to write down how much you want.
Then I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Why can't I just tell you? Because that is the way these things are done in films.
Now slide it.
Yes.
There you go.
Oh, come on.
Be serious.
I am serious, Mike.
That's a 10-percent raise.
That's what I want.
I can't give you that.
I don't make this much.
Come on, be for real, Mike.
I don't.
I'll prove it to you.
There is a pay stub.
Are you serious? You're earning this? Plus perks.
Yes.
Mike, this is barely more than I make.
You've been here ten years, dawg.
Fourteen years.
No, please, please don't.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Some mofos got to hear about this one.
Okay.
Let's take 15 again.
A boss' salary isn't just about money.
It is about perks.
It For example, every year I get a $100 gas card.
Can't put a price tag on that.
Okay.
If you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer or lunch or something.
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer? Boy, I No.
And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim? What's your angle? It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming.
But now I want to be nice to him and actually give him something, and he's like an eel.
I just can't grab onto him.
It's infuriating.
Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
No.
Yes.
That's probably what it is.
So what do I do? I don't know.
Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
Michael? Here's the $15 I owe you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I heard you might need it, so Here's the $40 you gave me.
I didn't give you $40.
In a way, you did.
Yeah.
I heard how much Michael makes.
I still think he's way overpaid.
Fourteen years.
Fourteen.
I know.
Okay, all right, I got to go.
Late.
Okay.
Okay.
Here's the straight dope.
No tricks, no Wikipedia.
What? I talked to corporate and they told me that I can only give you a five-percent raise.
That's 'cause of you, Mike.
They're not going to give the working man more than the boss.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Get your own raise.
You've got to get out there and earn, son.
I'm not going to go out and ask for a raise right now.
That is ridiculous.
Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge.
Okay? And we're shipping more now than we ever have.
That's true.
Yeah, that's true.
You got to call your girl and get paid.
Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
You know what, I should.
Yeah, you should.
I've been a loyal employee for a long time.
Fourteen years long.
You know what, I deserve a bump.
Make it happen, Captain.
I am making it happen, Sergeant.
I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30.
Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what.
I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that.
So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels.
Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter You're useless.
Well, why don't we talk next month after the quarter ends? No, Jan.
I've never asked for a raise in 14 years.
This is long overdue.
I want to do it today.
Today? All right, well, if you want to do it today, we should do it in person, and can you get here by 5:00? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll leave right away.
Great.
And listen, because of our, you know, situation, we're going to need to have a third party present.
Yes.
I'm bringing Darryl.
Darryl from the warehouse? Mmm-hmm.
No, Michael, we We need an HR rep, so I think you should just bring Toby.
Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Michael, he's your branch's HR rep No, Toby is terrible.
and we need someone else in the room Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.
because of our relationship.
Michael! Either Toby comes with you or we don't do it.
Fine.
You are so mean.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do, Ryan Bailey Howard.
You called me stupid.
No.
I said Toby, come on, let's go.
Where? Where? I'm going to smack you in the head with a hammer.
Come on, let's go.
What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? All right.
Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapour.
Don't you see why that's insane? Oh, so I'm crazy now? Comfortable, Mike? Yeah.
What about you, man, you comfortable? No.
Don't ever touch a black man's radio.
Chris Tucker, Rush Hour.
I won't touch yours, by the way.
Thank you.
I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Big Apple.
Maybe I'll stay overnight.
I got a cousin who lives down there.
How will we get home? Oh, you can stay, too.
He's got a big place.
Maybe I'll stay.
It's not that big.
Buses, though, will get you home quick.
And then all of a sudden Dwight stood up and was like, "No!" Then what did he do? Well, you should just read the report that Toby did.
He took everyone's stories.
Dunder Mifflin, customer service.
This is Kelly.
Oh, yeah, I can totally help you with that.
Okay.
Let me just get the folder out.
Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper.
Oh, 12 reams? Hey, guys.
Jan is ready for you.
Okay.
Okay.
Bring it home now.
And don't forget the new black-man phrase I taught you.
Pippety poppety, give me the zoppety.
Yes, sir.
Remember that.
I'll be right outside if you need me.
All right.
Yeah.
I taught Mike some new phrases.
I want him to get the raise.
I just can't help myself.
Hey, man I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Can I, like, see you after work for coffee or something? I don't know.
Please.
I just got some stuff I got to say to you.
Jim.
Roy.
Look out! Thanks, Kev.
I'm good, though.
Thank you, Hunter.
Hello.
Come in.
Okay.
Who is the boy toy? That's my new assistant.
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek? I have to call you the second I get a new assistant now? Be nice to get a memo.
We are lovers.
Hi, Jan.
Hi, Toby.
First First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation.
All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside.
Are we clear? Bippety, boppety.
Right now, we can offer you a six-percent raise.
Six percent? After all we've been through? Oh, God.
I got you jade earrings.
Michael.
No.
No.
No.
Michael.
You're going to play it like this? You give me a good raise or no more sex.
What are you writing, perv-ball? Just preparing for the deposition.
This may the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior.
It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
I'm so sorry, Pammy.
I mean, I wasn't going to do anything, but then I kept thinking about you two together.
I just thought you guys were really good friends or maybe he was gay or something.
Not that that's wrong.
I'm sorry, too.
I just I think that we both made some bad choices.
So, you going to start dating Halpert then? No.
No.
He has a girlfriend.
Oh, yeah.
Wait a minute, you broke up our wedding for the guy.
No.
There were a lot of reasons.
What, you're not even going to try to go out with him? I don't get you, Pam.
I know.
What's this? What's what? "Certificate of Bravery from the Scranton Police Department "recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man, "Dwight K.
Schrute.
" Wow.
I guess word got around.
That's a nice honor.
Please.
They hand these out to little kids.
Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Didn't think you'd notice.
Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart? This is me, Jan.
This is me.
Okay.
Michael, please.
You know, why don't we just take a break? Okay.
This is This is going nowhere.
No.
No.
No.
You do not try tactic number eight on me.
I invented tactic number eight.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, Toby, how about if you Sure.
Great.
What's wrong with you? I don't know.
Was a weird day.
I accidentally cross-dressed.
And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money.
And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby.
And then your assistant is all young and hot and I Okay, Michael.
I can offer you a 12-percent raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
That's ridiculous.
I'm never going to No, just I just need you to ask for it so I can record that you asked for it.
Okay? Ah so.
All right, Levinson, here's the rub.
I would like a 15-percent raise.
No, but we can offer you 12.
But you just said 15.
Negotiation is an art.
Back and forth.
Give and take.
And today, both Darryl and I took something.
Higher salaries.
Win, win, win.
But, you know, life is about more than just salary.
It's about perks.
Like having sex with Jan Michael.
So, you and Bob are looking at a historical house? Near the river.
How many bedrooms? Four.
Dwight.
Dwight.
I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Really? Tales of bravery.
Good stuff? I was thinking tonight we could read it together.
That sounds fun.
I will never say a word.
And now we are even.
I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell.
On time.
Now I'm back, got a second chance and I'm not going to blow it.
So, look out, Dunder Mifflin.
I mean "look out" in a fun way.
You know, not like, "I'm going to hurt you.
" Hey, guys, guess who's back? Oh, God! No need to thank me.
I'm not a hero.
I'm a mere defender of the office.
You know who's a real hero? Hiro from Heroes.
That's a hero.
Also Bono.