The Suite Life of Zack & Cody s03e19 Episode Script
Benchwarmers
We would be delighted to host scooter's birthday party.
Yes, we can provide a clown.
Mm-hmm.
Play hide and seek.
Oh.
Scooter's 104.
Well, then, we won't make him seek.
[Laughs.]
Yes.
[Stammers.]
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Yes.
Very well, then.
Tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.
This never has a good answer, but what are you doing? Our science project.
Zack and I have to find and identify microbes in our home environment.
That's right.
So, let the boy do our work.
Maybe you should work on leaving.
I have a very important hotel guest coming.
Who is it--the President of the pocket hankie association? No.
And it's not an association.
It's a club.
Coming through! Whoa! Do you know who you are? Tony hawk? Yes! Good, because that's the name I made the reservation under.
Give me some space.
Are you going to do another cool trick? No.
I have to sneeze.
Here.
Use my schnozzola 2000.
[Sneezes.]
Awesome.
We can use your snot for our project.
No, no, no.
That's a waste.
This is celebrity snot.
We can sell it on the Internet.
Ok, but I'm not signing it.
Disney--abc cable networks group here I am in your life here you are in mine yes, we have a suite life most of the time you and me, we got the world to see so come on down just me and you know what to do so come on down it's you and me and me and you we got the whole place to ourselves you and me, we got it all for free so come on down this is the suite life we've got a suite life Maddie? I need to talk to you.
You know when I said a squirrel can beat you in debate? I was talking about one of those genius squirrels.
Oh, yeah! I've heard of them! Anyway, I'm not mad at you.
Then why are you waving a sword around? Oh! Daddy's arranged for me to take a private fencing class for my p.
E.
Credit.
I don't like poor girls sweating on me.
Well, this poor girl doesn't want to bleed on you.
Oh! Oh! But--but-- get that thing away from me! But I need a fencing partner to stick! Ok.
Call me wacky, but I have no desire to be around you and sharp objects.
[Scoffs.]
Ready to start your lesson? [Gasps.]
En garde! Hey, guys, your choice-- shall I try a new recipe for liver, or order pizza? All: Pizza.
I'll order.
You know, I was reading my text book last night-- whoa, whoa, whoa.
You were reading a textbook? I'm so proud! No, no.
Not you.
Although if you get that pizza here in under 30 minutes, we'll talk.
Did you know that there are more germs on a telephone than a toilet seat? I used a phone today! And a toilet! They're getting you from both ends.
Ugh.
And you don't even want to know about your pillow.
What? What about my pillow? It has a million little dustmites.
[High-pitched voice.]
Party over here! Party over there! Let's all eat Cody's hair! [Laughs.]
I got to shampoo! [Chuckling.]
Stop torturing your brother.
Look who's talking.
You almost made liver.
Good point.
So, remember, the most important thing in fencing is the grip.
Hold it as you would hold the hand of a lover.
Good.
But I meant with the foil.
Oh.
Help me? [Gasps.]
Your hands are so Strong.
Now, today, Diego will teach you the parry, and then the lunge.
[Gasps.]
I love going to Paris for lunch! No.
It's Parry and lunge! [Gasps.]
Bravo! Bravo! Double bravo! One must always keep an eye On the target.
Oh, I am.
Diego will show you.
Madeline, why don't you Come at me? [Squeaks.]
I meant with the foil.
Oh.
That.
[Chuckles.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Ok, I'm dead.
Give me mouth-to-mouth.
You know Diego-- [Laughs.]
You and I have a lot in common.
My name is London, which has a big clock, and you're wearing a watch! Oh! That reminds me.
Diego is late for his acupuncture appointment.
Acupuncture? Yes.
He sticks me.
I stick him back.
We have fun.
Adios! [London gasps.]
Hasta lasagna! [Both sigh.]
I cannot believe you.
[Imitates london.]
Diego, your hands are so Strong.
I couldn't help it.
He is hot.
H-o-t.
Hot.
I'm going to date him.
You can't date him.
Why? Because I'm going to date him.
Too late.
We're going to get married, buy a big villa, and live in a cappella.
People sing a cappella.
He lives in acapulco.
That's what my sweater's made of.
That's alpaca.
Ok, look, I think, in the interest of our friendship, neither of us should date him.
You're right.
You shouldn't date him because you're my friend.
And I should date him because you're my friend.
No, no, no.
Let me say this slowly.
Neither one of us dates him.
Got it.
Neither one of us dates him.
Except for me.
[Scoffs.]
Are you doing this on purpose? Doing what? Completely ignoring everything I'm saying.
Doing what? [Sighs.]
Ok.
I'm going to say it one more time.
You don't date him.
I don't date him.
He doesn't date you, he doesn't date me.
Both London and maddie don't date Diego.
Diego doesn't date London or maddie.
Neither one of us dates Diego.
I got it.
I mean, what do you think I am, stupid? Ow! I'm sure your father will be very pleased with the food you choose for his birthday party.
Well, it does have to be special.
After all, he is Boston's oldest citizen.
Yes.
At 104, I guess his last big celebration was the Boston tea party.
[All laugh.]
Now, chef paolo.
You must now try my most delightful creation.
I call it chef paolo's most delightful creation.
Oh.
Mmm! Mmm! Oh, that sauce is incredible! If you don't mind my asking, what's in it? Tomato, zucchini, green pepper, onion, garlic, chive, black pepper, red wine, vinegar olive oil, virgin olive oil, extra virgin olive oil, olive oil with a questionable past, lemon juice, dill weed, celery seed, mustard seed, mustard flower, honey, sugar, and a little secret something for taste.
Oh! Um, would you mind repeating that? I'm--I'm having guests over later.
Certainly.
Tomato, zucchini, green-- say "pepper" and your life is over.
Excuse me.
Oh! Oh! Uh, why is this boy wearing a mask and gloves? Well, it's the fashion.
You know, it's like sideways caps and baggy pants.
Well, now, it's gloves and surgical masks.
You know, it's hip.
No it's not.
He's just afraid of germs.
Well, the only germs in my hotel are you two.
Well, we'll find out.
We're on our way to the kitchen to look for samples right now.
Oh! For bacteria and other gross stuff.
[Chuckles.]
My kitchen is the cleanest in all of Boston.
You could eat off the floor, although people seem to prefer a plate.
Maddie, ready for our lesson? Yes, and I've been practicing.
Ha! Oh! I am defenseless against your candy sword.
[Chuckles.]
Diego must confess, he enjoys spending much time with you.
[Giggles.]
Really? Immensely much.
Really?! [Chuckles.]
Really.
[Gasps.]
[Laughs.]
Well, you know, maybe we could [Sighs.]
No.
No, I can't.
Can't what? Oh, who am I kidding? Want to go out? Yes! [Laughs.]
Diego's heart is now soaring like-- yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just not tell London, ok? My lipsAre sealed.
[Giggles.]
Say, 7-ish? [Sighs.]
Your accent is so cute! [Squeals.]
Hey, Diego! Did maddie leave? Yes.
She-- good.
Let's go out.
[Gasps.]
Great.
But don't tell maddie.
Oh, you have my word.
[Chuckles.]
No, if you'll excuse me, I must go To the little fencer's room.
Ok.
Cody, would you come help me? I'm tired of doing all the work on our project.
Oh.
Never said that before.
I'll help as soon as I'm done washing my hands.
Cody, enough! You started washing them half an hour ago.
You're not going to have any skin left.
Ok.
I'm done.
No one touch me.
How about we don't talk to you, either? Hey, you got your quirks too, Zack, likeNever washing your hands.
Well, I will after touching this gunk we got from chef paolo's kitchen.
It makes me want to puke.
So cool.
It's the scariest thing I've ever seen.
How scary? Scarier than the guy who asked mom out at the carnival.
Oh, that was scary.
But I'm a sucker for a big stuffed animal.
It's just what I thought.
The swab we took from the hotel kitchen is black mold.
Black mold? That's one of the worst kinds, especially if inhaled.
I'm taking a shower and I'm never coming out! Oh! Honey, you can't do that! You have to learn to deal with your fear.
Like I did, when I found out I was having twins.
Fyi--there's about a billion germs in that bathroom.
How are you going to avoid them? I guess that's one way.
I don't know whether to laugh at you or to roast you over a campfire.
This happens to be a hermetically sealed suit.
It keeps all the germs out, including black mold.
Unfortunately, it also keeps all odors in, so no beans with dinner.
[Sighs.]
Man, I got to tell everybody about this.
Oh, you're right.
Mr.
moseby needs to know about the black mold.
No.
I meant how stupid Cody looks.
But I guess I could mention the mold.
See, now, sweetie, this is why I don't want you shopping for clothes by yourself.
Don't you remember Halloween 2005? I went as the fat ghost.
A few minor adjustments, a fish bowl, and voila! You--you are going to take that off, though, right? Never.
Ok.
Uh, Cody, think about this.
If you stay in there, you science grade is going to depend on Zack's homework.
No, it won't.
I can do anything in this suit that I could do before.
Really.
Really.
Except that.
Hey, London.
What did you do last night? Oh, nothing.
Just stayed home and counted my diamonds.
What did you do? Oh, nothing.
Just stayed home and counted my siblings.
Hey! Isn't that Diego's handkerchief? What makes you think that? The big "d.
" That stands for "Dis is my handkerchief.
" Liar.
Diego had it last night at dinner.
[Sighs.]
Ok.
Maybe he did.
[Gasps.]
Wait! How do you know that? UhI read it in moseby's handkerchief magazines.
Liar, liar, hankie on fire.
You agreed we wouldn't date him.
So did you.
Yeah, but I lie all the time, whereas you're honest.
Well, at least you used to be.
How can you live with yourself? [Scoffs.]
How can you date my boyfriend? Diego's in love with me.
He told me-- [imitates diego.]
The sun rises just to see me.
[Scoffs.]
Well, he told me-- [imitates diego.]
I outshine the moon and the stars.
Well, he told me that in the forest, the trees whisper my name.
Yeah.
They whisper, "have you seen that pasty-faced bean pole maddie Fitzpatrick?" [Gasps.]
Those are fighting words.
Then we'll duel for Diego.
En gardie.
It's en garde.
Wow.
Diego is impressed with how far the students have come.
[Grunts.]
Whoo! Impressed, and almost headless! Paris! Thrust! Where are you going? Woman: Maid! Maddie: Sorry! Diego will join you! Mrs.
rittenhouse, are you sure you want your father's dinner served at 3:00? Seems a little early.
Yes, but he is 104.
We don't want to take a chance and wait till 6:00.
Good point.
Uh, Mr.
moseby? Hmm? I need to speak with you privately.
Why don't you have your mother write me a check for whatever you broke, and we'll call it a day? [Chuckles.]
No, actually, it's about the kitchen.
I found something bad in there.
[Chuckles.]
Kids these days.
Bad means good.
[Laughs.]
Hold on to that for a second.
Excuse us.
Define bad.
Well, I think it's black mold.
Black mold! Did you hear that? Black gold! [Chuckles.]
Yes! We struck oil! We're rich! [Laughs.]
[Elevator dings.]
It's all right.
I'll take the next one.
London: Stop moving! You're making me miss! Uh, no.
[Both grunting.]
Maddie? London? Both: Cody.
[Grunting.]
Parry! Thrust! [Indistinct.]
Stairs.
Gracias.
Andiamo.
Smile! You're serving my food! Chef paolo, there's black mold in your kitchen.
[Screams.]
Ok.
That sound I just made scared even me.
I guess now is not the best time to tell you that the newspaper is here to cover the old man's party.
[Screams.]
Ok.
That sound scared me even more than my sound.
Oh! Oh, this is a nightmare.
Well, on the bright side, I'm probably going to get an "a" in science.
What? You can't be happy for Zack? No.
No one must find out about the black mold.
[Puffing.]
Try again.
Oh.
Why don't we just rest a while? [Chuckles.]
Ahh.
The kitchen has black mold? [All gasp.]
The chicken has a bad cold? No.
No.
I said black mold.
Ok.
Everybody, stay calm.
There is a perfectly logical explanation as to why there would be black mold in our kitchen.
Oh.
Anyone? Uh, black mold's the name of my band.
Rock on! Rock on! People, I assure you, there is absolutely no danger in this hotel.
Cody: Mr.
moseby? I need to speak with you right away.
[Gasps.]
Why is that marshmallow talking? I've got some good news.
You're going to be in the Thanksgiving day parade this year? No.
I double checked your work, and what you thought was black mold is actually a harmless variety commonly found in aged cheese.
You know what? I must have looked at the wrong picture, and now that you mention it, I did swab some blue cheese.
Oh, well, no harm, no foul, eh, buddy? No harm, no foul? Because of your stupid project, I nearly shut down this hotel.
Hey! This is the first time that Zack has displayed any interest in science.
I'd prefer you not yell at him.
My bad.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it was a false alarm.
[Laughs.]
Sorry for the scare.
There's a bear? Ok! No, no! No, no.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
There's no bear and there's no mold.
Look, the tipton hotel is an elegant oasis, free of any kind of danger.
[Elevator bell dings.]
[Both grunting.]
I'm going to slice you into London broil.
And I'm going to cook you into something with maddie in it.
[Grunting.]
The entertainment is here! Where did you go? I'm right here! Diego's mine.
No, he's mine! Oh, don't worry.
There's plenty of Diego to go around.
Mr.
moesby! Ohh! Never mind.
[Maddie screaming.]
Oh! They also do weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Take that, poor girl! Take that, rich girl.
[Grunts.]
Gotcha! Missed me! [Both grunting.]
[Screams.]
[Indistinct.]
Do not cut my cake! [All grunting.]
Hey! Surfer dude! [Both gasp.]
[Both grunting.]
Cody: Watch the suit.
Watch the suit! Watch the-- oh! Oh! You got the suit.
[Grunts.]
Oh, wait.
Time out.
Time out.
[Both panting.]
I am exhausted with a capital "x.
" And I'm too pooped to parry.
Diego! Just tell us who you like best.
Yeah.
Who? You are both very lovely.
Oh! But the truth is, Diego has a girlfriend back in Indiana.
[Gasps.]
Then why did you date the two of us? Because Diego is like a fine sports car.
He cannot just sit in a garage.
[Chuckles.]
Well, Mr.
sports car, you're about to get a dent in your bumper.
Oh! En garde! Aah! [Both grunt.]
[All grunting.]
Oh! [Both panting.]
We should never let a guy come between us again.
You're right.
The next time we meet a cute guy we both like, let's handle it the mature way.
Rock, paper, scissors? Works for me.
[Gasps.]
Dibs on rock! It's all yours.
Oh, no.
Honey, are you ok? Well, he looks a little deflated to me! Ho ho! Germs are getting in.
Help me patch my suit with, uh Pat! That's hummus.
Who is that going to help? You just said there was no black mold.
Why do you want to patch the suit? Because of all the other germs in the world, and the fungus and the dust mites and-- honey, you're overreacting.
No, I'm not.
You're inside a fish bowl.
Mom, don't tap the glass.
It freaks me out.
Well, you're freaking me out.
Look, I know there's a lot of scary things in the world, but you can't live your life in a bubble.
Maybe you can't, but I'm perfectly comfy.
[Sighs.]
All right.
I'm not going to force you out of the suit, mostly because I can't find the zipper.
But I want you to think about all the fun things you're going to be missing.
Hey, I got all the fun I'll ever need right here in my bubble.
Hey, guys, I'm going skating.
Want to come? Duh! Unless your brother would rather go deep-sea diving.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Cody can't go.
Why not? Sweetie, do you have any idea how many germs there are in a skate park? [Hisses.]
Who cares? I'm going skating with Tony hawk! Take the goldfish out of the coffeepot and put him back in this.
Dad, where are you going? I'm going skateboarding with Tony hawk.
I want to feel the wind whistle through my scalp.
Wear your helmets! Wear your helmets! Guys: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Both: 1, 2, 3.
Rock! I did paper Oh! I can't believe I always lose.
Guess I'm psychic.
[Giggles.]
Yes, we can provide a clown.
Mm-hmm.
Play hide and seek.
Oh.
Scooter's 104.
Well, then, we won't make him seek.
[Laughs.]
Yes.
[Stammers.]
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Yes.
Very well, then.
Tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.
This never has a good answer, but what are you doing? Our science project.
Zack and I have to find and identify microbes in our home environment.
That's right.
So, let the boy do our work.
Maybe you should work on leaving.
I have a very important hotel guest coming.
Who is it--the President of the pocket hankie association? No.
And it's not an association.
It's a club.
Coming through! Whoa! Do you know who you are? Tony hawk? Yes! Good, because that's the name I made the reservation under.
Give me some space.
Are you going to do another cool trick? No.
I have to sneeze.
Here.
Use my schnozzola 2000.
[Sneezes.]
Awesome.
We can use your snot for our project.
No, no, no.
That's a waste.
This is celebrity snot.
We can sell it on the Internet.
Ok, but I'm not signing it.
Disney--abc cable networks group here I am in your life here you are in mine yes, we have a suite life most of the time you and me, we got the world to see so come on down just me and you know what to do so come on down it's you and me and me and you we got the whole place to ourselves you and me, we got it all for free so come on down this is the suite life we've got a suite life Maddie? I need to talk to you.
You know when I said a squirrel can beat you in debate? I was talking about one of those genius squirrels.
Oh, yeah! I've heard of them! Anyway, I'm not mad at you.
Then why are you waving a sword around? Oh! Daddy's arranged for me to take a private fencing class for my p.
E.
Credit.
I don't like poor girls sweating on me.
Well, this poor girl doesn't want to bleed on you.
Oh! Oh! But--but-- get that thing away from me! But I need a fencing partner to stick! Ok.
Call me wacky, but I have no desire to be around you and sharp objects.
[Scoffs.]
Ready to start your lesson? [Gasps.]
En garde! Hey, guys, your choice-- shall I try a new recipe for liver, or order pizza? All: Pizza.
I'll order.
You know, I was reading my text book last night-- whoa, whoa, whoa.
You were reading a textbook? I'm so proud! No, no.
Not you.
Although if you get that pizza here in under 30 minutes, we'll talk.
Did you know that there are more germs on a telephone than a toilet seat? I used a phone today! And a toilet! They're getting you from both ends.
Ugh.
And you don't even want to know about your pillow.
What? What about my pillow? It has a million little dustmites.
[High-pitched voice.]
Party over here! Party over there! Let's all eat Cody's hair! [Laughs.]
I got to shampoo! [Chuckling.]
Stop torturing your brother.
Look who's talking.
You almost made liver.
Good point.
So, remember, the most important thing in fencing is the grip.
Hold it as you would hold the hand of a lover.
Good.
But I meant with the foil.
Oh.
Help me? [Gasps.]
Your hands are so Strong.
Now, today, Diego will teach you the parry, and then the lunge.
[Gasps.]
I love going to Paris for lunch! No.
It's Parry and lunge! [Gasps.]
Bravo! Bravo! Double bravo! One must always keep an eye On the target.
Oh, I am.
Diego will show you.
Madeline, why don't you Come at me? [Squeaks.]
I meant with the foil.
Oh.
That.
[Chuckles.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Ok, I'm dead.
Give me mouth-to-mouth.
You know Diego-- [Laughs.]
You and I have a lot in common.
My name is London, which has a big clock, and you're wearing a watch! Oh! That reminds me.
Diego is late for his acupuncture appointment.
Acupuncture? Yes.
He sticks me.
I stick him back.
We have fun.
Adios! [London gasps.]
Hasta lasagna! [Both sigh.]
I cannot believe you.
[Imitates london.]
Diego, your hands are so Strong.
I couldn't help it.
He is hot.
H-o-t.
Hot.
I'm going to date him.
You can't date him.
Why? Because I'm going to date him.
Too late.
We're going to get married, buy a big villa, and live in a cappella.
People sing a cappella.
He lives in acapulco.
That's what my sweater's made of.
That's alpaca.
Ok, look, I think, in the interest of our friendship, neither of us should date him.
You're right.
You shouldn't date him because you're my friend.
And I should date him because you're my friend.
No, no, no.
Let me say this slowly.
Neither one of us dates him.
Got it.
Neither one of us dates him.
Except for me.
[Scoffs.]
Are you doing this on purpose? Doing what? Completely ignoring everything I'm saying.
Doing what? [Sighs.]
Ok.
I'm going to say it one more time.
You don't date him.
I don't date him.
He doesn't date you, he doesn't date me.
Both London and maddie don't date Diego.
Diego doesn't date London or maddie.
Neither one of us dates Diego.
I got it.
I mean, what do you think I am, stupid? Ow! I'm sure your father will be very pleased with the food you choose for his birthday party.
Well, it does have to be special.
After all, he is Boston's oldest citizen.
Yes.
At 104, I guess his last big celebration was the Boston tea party.
[All laugh.]
Now, chef paolo.
You must now try my most delightful creation.
I call it chef paolo's most delightful creation.
Oh.
Mmm! Mmm! Oh, that sauce is incredible! If you don't mind my asking, what's in it? Tomato, zucchini, green pepper, onion, garlic, chive, black pepper, red wine, vinegar olive oil, virgin olive oil, extra virgin olive oil, olive oil with a questionable past, lemon juice, dill weed, celery seed, mustard seed, mustard flower, honey, sugar, and a little secret something for taste.
Oh! Um, would you mind repeating that? I'm--I'm having guests over later.
Certainly.
Tomato, zucchini, green-- say "pepper" and your life is over.
Excuse me.
Oh! Oh! Uh, why is this boy wearing a mask and gloves? Well, it's the fashion.
You know, it's like sideways caps and baggy pants.
Well, now, it's gloves and surgical masks.
You know, it's hip.
No it's not.
He's just afraid of germs.
Well, the only germs in my hotel are you two.
Well, we'll find out.
We're on our way to the kitchen to look for samples right now.
Oh! For bacteria and other gross stuff.
[Chuckles.]
My kitchen is the cleanest in all of Boston.
You could eat off the floor, although people seem to prefer a plate.
Maddie, ready for our lesson? Yes, and I've been practicing.
Ha! Oh! I am defenseless against your candy sword.
[Chuckles.]
Diego must confess, he enjoys spending much time with you.
[Giggles.]
Really? Immensely much.
Really?! [Chuckles.]
Really.
[Gasps.]
[Laughs.]
Well, you know, maybe we could [Sighs.]
No.
No, I can't.
Can't what? Oh, who am I kidding? Want to go out? Yes! [Laughs.]
Diego's heart is now soaring like-- yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just not tell London, ok? My lipsAre sealed.
[Giggles.]
Say, 7-ish? [Sighs.]
Your accent is so cute! [Squeals.]
Hey, Diego! Did maddie leave? Yes.
She-- good.
Let's go out.
[Gasps.]
Great.
But don't tell maddie.
Oh, you have my word.
[Chuckles.]
No, if you'll excuse me, I must go To the little fencer's room.
Ok.
Cody, would you come help me? I'm tired of doing all the work on our project.
Oh.
Never said that before.
I'll help as soon as I'm done washing my hands.
Cody, enough! You started washing them half an hour ago.
You're not going to have any skin left.
Ok.
I'm done.
No one touch me.
How about we don't talk to you, either? Hey, you got your quirks too, Zack, likeNever washing your hands.
Well, I will after touching this gunk we got from chef paolo's kitchen.
It makes me want to puke.
So cool.
It's the scariest thing I've ever seen.
How scary? Scarier than the guy who asked mom out at the carnival.
Oh, that was scary.
But I'm a sucker for a big stuffed animal.
It's just what I thought.
The swab we took from the hotel kitchen is black mold.
Black mold? That's one of the worst kinds, especially if inhaled.
I'm taking a shower and I'm never coming out! Oh! Honey, you can't do that! You have to learn to deal with your fear.
Like I did, when I found out I was having twins.
Fyi--there's about a billion germs in that bathroom.
How are you going to avoid them? I guess that's one way.
I don't know whether to laugh at you or to roast you over a campfire.
This happens to be a hermetically sealed suit.
It keeps all the germs out, including black mold.
Unfortunately, it also keeps all odors in, so no beans with dinner.
[Sighs.]
Man, I got to tell everybody about this.
Oh, you're right.
Mr.
moseby needs to know about the black mold.
No.
I meant how stupid Cody looks.
But I guess I could mention the mold.
See, now, sweetie, this is why I don't want you shopping for clothes by yourself.
Don't you remember Halloween 2005? I went as the fat ghost.
A few minor adjustments, a fish bowl, and voila! You--you are going to take that off, though, right? Never.
Ok.
Uh, Cody, think about this.
If you stay in there, you science grade is going to depend on Zack's homework.
No, it won't.
I can do anything in this suit that I could do before.
Really.
Really.
Except that.
Hey, London.
What did you do last night? Oh, nothing.
Just stayed home and counted my diamonds.
What did you do? Oh, nothing.
Just stayed home and counted my siblings.
Hey! Isn't that Diego's handkerchief? What makes you think that? The big "d.
" That stands for "Dis is my handkerchief.
" Liar.
Diego had it last night at dinner.
[Sighs.]
Ok.
Maybe he did.
[Gasps.]
Wait! How do you know that? UhI read it in moseby's handkerchief magazines.
Liar, liar, hankie on fire.
You agreed we wouldn't date him.
So did you.
Yeah, but I lie all the time, whereas you're honest.
Well, at least you used to be.
How can you live with yourself? [Scoffs.]
How can you date my boyfriend? Diego's in love with me.
He told me-- [imitates diego.]
The sun rises just to see me.
[Scoffs.]
Well, he told me-- [imitates diego.]
I outshine the moon and the stars.
Well, he told me that in the forest, the trees whisper my name.
Yeah.
They whisper, "have you seen that pasty-faced bean pole maddie Fitzpatrick?" [Gasps.]
Those are fighting words.
Then we'll duel for Diego.
En gardie.
It's en garde.
Wow.
Diego is impressed with how far the students have come.
[Grunts.]
Whoo! Impressed, and almost headless! Paris! Thrust! Where are you going? Woman: Maid! Maddie: Sorry! Diego will join you! Mrs.
rittenhouse, are you sure you want your father's dinner served at 3:00? Seems a little early.
Yes, but he is 104.
We don't want to take a chance and wait till 6:00.
Good point.
Uh, Mr.
moseby? Hmm? I need to speak with you privately.
Why don't you have your mother write me a check for whatever you broke, and we'll call it a day? [Chuckles.]
No, actually, it's about the kitchen.
I found something bad in there.
[Chuckles.]
Kids these days.
Bad means good.
[Laughs.]
Hold on to that for a second.
Excuse us.
Define bad.
Well, I think it's black mold.
Black mold! Did you hear that? Black gold! [Chuckles.]
Yes! We struck oil! We're rich! [Laughs.]
[Elevator dings.]
It's all right.
I'll take the next one.
London: Stop moving! You're making me miss! Uh, no.
[Both grunting.]
Maddie? London? Both: Cody.
[Grunting.]
Parry! Thrust! [Indistinct.]
Stairs.
Gracias.
Andiamo.
Smile! You're serving my food! Chef paolo, there's black mold in your kitchen.
[Screams.]
Ok.
That sound I just made scared even me.
I guess now is not the best time to tell you that the newspaper is here to cover the old man's party.
[Screams.]
Ok.
That sound scared me even more than my sound.
Oh! Oh, this is a nightmare.
Well, on the bright side, I'm probably going to get an "a" in science.
What? You can't be happy for Zack? No.
No one must find out about the black mold.
[Puffing.]
Try again.
Oh.
Why don't we just rest a while? [Chuckles.]
Ahh.
The kitchen has black mold? [All gasp.]
The chicken has a bad cold? No.
No.
I said black mold.
Ok.
Everybody, stay calm.
There is a perfectly logical explanation as to why there would be black mold in our kitchen.
Oh.
Anyone? Uh, black mold's the name of my band.
Rock on! Rock on! People, I assure you, there is absolutely no danger in this hotel.
Cody: Mr.
moseby? I need to speak with you right away.
[Gasps.]
Why is that marshmallow talking? I've got some good news.
You're going to be in the Thanksgiving day parade this year? No.
I double checked your work, and what you thought was black mold is actually a harmless variety commonly found in aged cheese.
You know what? I must have looked at the wrong picture, and now that you mention it, I did swab some blue cheese.
Oh, well, no harm, no foul, eh, buddy? No harm, no foul? Because of your stupid project, I nearly shut down this hotel.
Hey! This is the first time that Zack has displayed any interest in science.
I'd prefer you not yell at him.
My bad.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it was a false alarm.
[Laughs.]
Sorry for the scare.
There's a bear? Ok! No, no! No, no.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
There's no bear and there's no mold.
Look, the tipton hotel is an elegant oasis, free of any kind of danger.
[Elevator bell dings.]
[Both grunting.]
I'm going to slice you into London broil.
And I'm going to cook you into something with maddie in it.
[Grunting.]
The entertainment is here! Where did you go? I'm right here! Diego's mine.
No, he's mine! Oh, don't worry.
There's plenty of Diego to go around.
Mr.
moesby! Ohh! Never mind.
[Maddie screaming.]
Oh! They also do weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Take that, poor girl! Take that, rich girl.
[Grunts.]
Gotcha! Missed me! [Both grunting.]
[Screams.]
[Indistinct.]
Do not cut my cake! [All grunting.]
Hey! Surfer dude! [Both gasp.]
[Both grunting.]
Cody: Watch the suit.
Watch the suit! Watch the-- oh! Oh! You got the suit.
[Grunts.]
Oh, wait.
Time out.
Time out.
[Both panting.]
I am exhausted with a capital "x.
" And I'm too pooped to parry.
Diego! Just tell us who you like best.
Yeah.
Who? You are both very lovely.
Oh! But the truth is, Diego has a girlfriend back in Indiana.
[Gasps.]
Then why did you date the two of us? Because Diego is like a fine sports car.
He cannot just sit in a garage.
[Chuckles.]
Well, Mr.
sports car, you're about to get a dent in your bumper.
Oh! En garde! Aah! [Both grunt.]
[All grunting.]
Oh! [Both panting.]
We should never let a guy come between us again.
You're right.
The next time we meet a cute guy we both like, let's handle it the mature way.
Rock, paper, scissors? Works for me.
[Gasps.]
Dibs on rock! It's all yours.
Oh, no.
Honey, are you ok? Well, he looks a little deflated to me! Ho ho! Germs are getting in.
Help me patch my suit with, uh Pat! That's hummus.
Who is that going to help? You just said there was no black mold.
Why do you want to patch the suit? Because of all the other germs in the world, and the fungus and the dust mites and-- honey, you're overreacting.
No, I'm not.
You're inside a fish bowl.
Mom, don't tap the glass.
It freaks me out.
Well, you're freaking me out.
Look, I know there's a lot of scary things in the world, but you can't live your life in a bubble.
Maybe you can't, but I'm perfectly comfy.
[Sighs.]
All right.
I'm not going to force you out of the suit, mostly because I can't find the zipper.
But I want you to think about all the fun things you're going to be missing.
Hey, I got all the fun I'll ever need right here in my bubble.
Hey, guys, I'm going skating.
Want to come? Duh! Unless your brother would rather go deep-sea diving.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Cody can't go.
Why not? Sweetie, do you have any idea how many germs there are in a skate park? [Hisses.]
Who cares? I'm going skating with Tony hawk! Take the goldfish out of the coffeepot and put him back in this.
Dad, where are you going? I'm going skateboarding with Tony hawk.
I want to feel the wind whistle through my scalp.
Wear your helmets! Wear your helmets! Guys: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Both: 1, 2, 3.
Rock! I did paper Oh! I can't believe I always lose.
Guess I'm psychic.
[Giggles.]