Two and a Half Men s03e19 Episode Script

You're up early.
Well, it's a beautiful day, shame to waste it sleeping.
- Must've got to bed early then.
- I guess.
Well, you know what they say.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and can't get laid, huh? Maybe I'm not trying.
Y eah.
And look for me next month on the cover of Maxim.
I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.
- Hey, you're up early.
- Y es, Alan, I'm up early.
I went to bed early and I slept alone.
Anything else you wanna know? Was I this cranky when I wasn't having sex? No, you were more of a sullen whiner.
- Okay, Huggy Bear, I gotta go.
- Oh, all right, Kandi, have a good day.
Yo, Daisy Mae.
Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go? T o the gym.
I have to take care of my body because it's my instrument.
Mine too.
Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst I just fart a lot.
Okay.
Okay, Kandi, well, I'll see you tonight.
Bye, everybody.
Congratulations, Alan.
It looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
Okay, so she's not overly sophisticated.
Sophisticated? She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
Hey, hey, she's got a great heart, she's warm and loving.
- And she genuinely cares for me.
- I stand corrected.
One marble.
Look, buddy, I'm happy you finally found an instrument to play that isn't in your own pants.
But she's been spending a lot of time here.
If you're not careful, she's gonna wanna move in.
Would that be so bad? Hey, I don't have a lot of rules around here but nine of the top ten are just different ways of saying: "Women are not allowed to live here.
" They come and they go.
Often they do one of those multiple times, but in the end they always go.
But why is that so important? Alan, there's a natural balance in this house, which must not be upset.
It's like the Amazon rain forest.
You bring in one too many spider monkeys you're up to your ass in tree frogs.
Oh tree frogs.
That clears up everything.
Don't patronize me, you hump-happy simpleton.
- You know what I'm saying.
- I do.
If Kandi were to move in here, it would be an environmental disaster - of epic proportions.
- Exactly.
She's been living here the past three weeks.
- What? - Who's the simpleton now? Kandi got evicted from her apartment three weeks ago and she moved in here.
Oh, please, if a woman was living in my own house for that long I think I'd notice.
Oh, really? Really? Well, let's try a little experiment.
What color is the couch in the living room? - The couch? - No peeking.
What color is it? Well, it's kind of a Beige-ish Tan.
- You sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
- Go look.
- Fine.
What the hell is that? Your couch.
Jake spilled grape juice on it last summer.
I had it reupholstered.
- Last summer? - Yeah, it was gone almost a month.
Berta and I bet on how long it would take you to notice.
I had 50 bucks on never.
All right, all right this is unacceptable.
This is my house and if furniture's gonna get reupholstered or moved or changed in any way whatsoever, I demand to be consulted.
- Okay, from now on.
I promise.
- Thank you.
I bought the damn thing.
Think I'd have a vote, maybe show me a swatch.
Hey, wait a minute, did somebody say Kandi's living here? Boy, am I thirsty.
That's because you sweat so much during sex.
I may not have the biggest boat in the marina.
But nobody rows harder than me.
You have a boat? - No, sweetie, what I meant was - Hey, hey, hey.
Some of us don't wanna hear about your little dinghy.
- Oh, hi, Charlie.
- What're you doing here? I was asking myself the same thing so I did a little research and it turns out it's my house.
Yeah, but I thought you were going out.
- I did go out.
And then I came back.
- Alone? No, Alan, I brought home an invisible cocktail waitress.
She's doing me even as we speak.
You're right.
There's no way you could've been that cranky.
You want some company, Charlie? Alan can't have sex again for at least 30 minutes.
That's a rough estimate.
Thanks, but I'd really rather be alone.
Okey-doke.
Come on, I think he wants to masturbate.
Not for at least 30 minutes.
Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead.
But golly Moses, she's a muffin.
Interesting turn of events, huh? Your brother hitting one of your hand-me-downs.
And you couldn't get laid if you painted your penis to look like money.
Don't think I haven't tried.
I'm reminded of the tale of the tortoise and the hare.
Isn't there something you could be doing? Well, I could go rub some oil on her, but I don't trust myself.
Berta, please don't take this the wrong way but it's been a long time for me and you're starting to turn me on.
I'm out of here.
- Hi, Berta.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi.
- Boy, this is weird, huh? - In so many ways.
But which one caught your attention? Well, I've never slept with brothers before.
I mean at different times.
And one can't help but make comparisons.
No kidding.
So how big a difference are we talking about? It's huge.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
With you, sex is kind of like going on Space Mountain.
It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger.
With Alan, it's like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo.
He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he'll get you there.
Okay.
Thanks for clearing that up.
I'll get it.
There's a two hour wait for Space Mountain.
- Hi, Mrs.
Harper.
- Oh, dear lord.
Hey, Kandi, I got Evil Dead 3 for Xbox.
Sweet.
Kandi, maybe you'd like to go put some clothes on.
- Why? - Yeah, she ain't hurting anybody.
I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Oh, I agree.
He would look ridiculous in this.
Can you get Alan for me? - He's not back from work yet.
- He's not? - Then what are you doing here? - I live here now.
Didn't Alan tell you? No, he did not.
- Charlie, I wanna talk to you.
- Good to know.
Charlie, get over here.
It was nice seeing you, Mrs.
Harper.
What in God's name does she see in him? Well, I don't have all the details, Mrs.
Harper.
But apparently when he's not being emasculated and demoralized on a daily basis, he's quite the lover.
- What's that supposed to mean? - You know what they say.
Your average man's like a good field mule.
If you don't beat him, he'll keep plowing all day long.
- Nobody says that.
- You're hard to fool.
Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm tired of talking to you.
Had an interesting chat with your ex-wife.
Oh, can't we just have a nice dinner? - I like her.
- Why? Why? Well, unlike most ex-wives I've known she's never tried to run me over with her car.
Okay, new dinner conversation.
Jake, how was school? I don't think this conversation'll make you any happier, Dad.
- What now? - We had a surprise test today.
- And? - I was really surprised.
So, in other words, you weren't prepared.
You can't prepare for a surprise, Dad.
New conversation? Jake, what are we gonna do? You've really fallen behind this year.
I know.
I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce.
- Oh? - Yeah.
It took a while, but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me.
You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.
Really? How old were you when your parents split up? - Twenty-two.
- But you're 22 now.
Twenty-two and a half.
Boy, what I'd give to be 22 again.
New subject? No, no, no more conversation.
Jake, if you're finished, go do your homework.
I'm gonna need help.
- You don't need help, you need to focus.
- I'll help you.
Do you know anything about geometry? Well, I know it's what you say when you turn into a tree.
Get it? Gee, I'm a tree.
Good one.
Thanks.
Boy, I hope when they get to Oz the wizard has two brains to give out.
And speaking of out, when's Kandi leaving? - You don't have to worry.
- Because? I have a plan.
Alan, if history has taught us anything it's that both those statements cannot be true.
It's very simple.
You give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
You teach him to fish, he eats forever.
Okay, okay, in that example is Kandi the man or the fish? I found her a job.
She'll be able to afford her own place and she won't depend on me anymore.
Where is she working? - She's gonna be my receptionist.
- That's your plan? Why it's brilliant.
What, what? She's attractive, she's friendly and she's more than capable of answering the phones.
You hear the expression "don't crap where you eat"? Well, you, my friend, are dropping plunkies all over the dessert cart.
- Okay, you have a better solution? - No, no, no.
No, it's your girlfriend, your office, your life.
Screw it up however you think best.
I'll get it.
I'm expecting a call.
Hello? Kandi, that's the TV remote.
Hello? Hello? Have you thought of teaching a fish to answer your phones? Hello? - Staying in tonight? - Y ep.
- Giving up on the ladies, huh? - Y ep.
- Not even gonna try? - Nope.
You know, I got a niece in the joint.
She doesn't look like much, but she does get conjugal visits.
I don't think so.
Hold on, I might have a copy of her mug shot.
Here.
She looks a little wall-eyed but that's because they had to use a Taser to get her out of the shed.
- The shed? - She was running a meth lab.
But you gotta admit, she is nice and slender.
- Thanks, but pass.
- Think about it.
Visiting days are Wednesdays and Fridays.
But if you decide to go, be a sport, take her a pie.
- Right.
- Make it something chewy.
The prison dentist set her up with some real nice teeth.
Okay.
Now this isn't my lamp.
What happened to my lamp? Unless this is my lamp.
Yeah, this is my lamp.
I bought this lamp to go with my couch.
My tan couch.
Worst day of my life.
Yeah, well, it was no picnic for me either.
- I don't know who you are anymore.
- You wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot paying you $10 an hour to miss phone calls.
Nap in the bathroom.
Use my x-ray machine on Mexican food.
Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga.
If you didn't know, why'd you order it? Because it's fun to say chimichanga.
Chimichanga.
See? So, how was work? Horrible.
All he did was boss me around: "Do this, do that, wake up.
" Maybe that's because I'm your boss.
A stupid, stinky boss.
Anybody wanna know about my problems? It was supposed to be Sloppy Joes for lunch.
But instead they had fish sticks.
Well, it ruined my day.
No, no, no, I'll get it.
That's what I do.
That's all I'm good for.
Hello? Oh, fudge.
Picture an entire day of this.
With six lines.
Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs.
Harper.
Oh, great.
Kandi, Kandi, give me the phone, give me Back off buck-o.
Was your ex-husband always such a control freak? She says you were.
You know what he did today? Kandi, you don't have to get into that with her.
She says she wants to know.
Well, first of all at the office he tried to make me call him Dr.
Harper all day.
And when I forgot he yelled at me.
What? Chiropractors aren't really doctors.
You liar.
I so get why you dumped him.
- Hey, Alan? - What? Is this a new lamp? I would like that so much, Mrs.
Harper.
Okay, I will call you Judith.
Great, I'll see you there.
See her where? We're going out for a drink and a little girl talk.
Girl talk with my ex-wife? Her name is Judith, Mr.
"I'm not a doctor" Harper.
Don't wait up.
You just crapped where you used to eat.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing up so late? - What time is it? It's 3 a.
m.
Oh, well then, I got my eight hours.
What are you doing, waiting up for Kandi? Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't sleep.
So I thought I'd read a little.
A furniture catalog? I like furniture.
- Just looking at the pictures, huh? - What are you getting at, Charlie? I think you buy things.
I think you bought this lamp.
- That lamp was here when I moved in.
- Oh, really? Charlie, I'm afraid that this dry streak is starting to affect your mind.
Maybe you're right.
Sure, this is my lamp.
I've had it for years.
- The table it's on is new.
- I knew it.
We don't wanna wake up Mr.
Alan Hitler.
No, no, Osama bin Alan.
- Busted.
- What the hell is going on here? The hell what is going on here is that I need an advance on my "amilony.
" - Why? - T o pay Estefan, our limo driver.
You took a limo? We couldn't find our cars and we spent all our money on JELL-O shots, and chimichangas.
All right, all right.
Kandi, you need to go to bed.
We have to get up early for work.
No, we don't.
Because I quit.
Why don't we talk about this in the morning? All right, Judith, here is you're "amilony.
" - Thank you.
- Go home.
And Kandi, go to bed.
I do not wish to live with you any furthermore.
- What? - I have been invited to stay with my good friend Judith.
Come on, I'll help you pack your things.
Did you ever notice how much he sweats during sex? Well, good for you.
Good for me? How is this good for me? - You got Kandi out of the house.
- I didn't want Kandi out.
And I didn't want her moving in with my ex-wife.
Oh, right.
Okay then, good for me.
- Harper? - Here.
I'm gonna have to check your pie.
Rhubarb.
Oh, my girls like rhubarb.
Okay, inmate 37059.
Down the hall, third door on the left.
There's a button by the bed.
Push it if she gets violent.
Thank you.
- It won't open.
- Try it again.
Boy, you really are having a dry streak, aren't you? Oh, God.
I can't even get laid in a women's prison.
- Hi, are you Alan? - No, I'm his brother, Charlie.
Oh, well, I'm looking for Kandi.
She told me she was living here.
Actually, she moved.
It's a very funny story.
- Are you a friend? - I'm her mother.
Come on in and I'll see if I can find a forwarding address.
Thank you.
Chimichanga.
- Beautiful place.
- Thank you.
I see where Kandi gets her good looks.
Thanks, unfortunately she gets her brains from her moron father.
Oh, right, you're recently divorced.
Would you like a drink? I would love one.
Great.
Why don't you step out on to the deck, and I'll be right there.
Good news, it's raining out on my deck.
Say what? The dry streak is over.
So, what am I supposed to do with this pie? SDl Media Group