Ugly Betty s03e19 Episode Script
The Sex Issue
Ok I need to say something And this is really hard You know in situations like these It's best to just take a deep breath and say it Grimaldi's pizza's slightly superior than Lombardi's, you win Never challenge me when it comes to pizza cause you will always lose My dollar please What's this? Open it and see It's a hair put Matt .
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Saw it and I thought of you, Bee for Betty The stones aren't real or anything I mean they're real, they're just not .
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You know .
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It's beautiful, I love it I wanted to get you something in honor of our monthiversary Has it been a month already? You know, you don't always have to bring me back to Queens Well that's where my queen lives Dad! Made by Nazel I'm so sorry I didn't realize you two were out here Hi Matt Hello Mr.
Suarez I was on my to the Bianco's see if I could borrow their cooler to go on this trip I made them sugar cookies On what trip? My dad is taking Justin to a cabin in the Poconos with Elena and her nephews Oh that should be cool Yeah cool Oh ok, I'll see you kids later - Sorry - That's okay You don't have to walk me all the way in What can I say .
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I'm a nice guy Hey I had fun tonight Oh me too Thank you, thanks for dinner! It was delicious Papi! Oh no! I'm so sorry It's okay, I have a hard head How are you doing Mr.
Suarez? Good, good, how are you councilman? I'm good Good .
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Good! Well I guess I should be getting home I'll see you tomorrow Oh ok, oh ok Goodnight Bye Bye! For now So another date huh? Things are going good between you guys I guess Hilda, how was your date? You guess? Why aren't you more enthusiastic? Archie is a great guy I know papi okay? I like him, I'm just not sure if I LIKE him yet Hilda, that's like saying you're not sure you like Sirloin steak, it's crazy Mum, Do I really have to go camping with grandpa and Elena? Yes! Elena's nephews are dying to meet you And they planned the whole thing with you and Mike They planned it with me and Mike to be at a spa With mud baths and ginger facials You're going There'll be plenty of mud Connor? Connor? Okay guys, with Mode's first ever sex issue on the stand in just 3 days It might seem like the hard work's over But it's not In order to get new advertisers and keep the old ones We have to make sure our overnight numbers kill That means using every resource we can to get people talking You know, fire them up Oh Daniel, we could do a tying with modernway.
com Bring it! Great! See, that's an awesome idea I think you people know how important this issue is Pardon me, I had a late night Here's some more coffee for you You all know what to do, let's get to it Ok, you are going to laugh I just got off the phone with the Olsen's twins Apparently they feel just awful that they didn't include you In their big "influence" cokie table book So they would love it, if you would be a part of their next book "More influence" Willy Willy? Oh my god, oh my god! She's dead, She's dead! Stop your shrieking Marc, I was just taking a nap But your eyes were .
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I haven't slept in weeks I just wake all night, feeling so tense Well naturally, look at your desk, it's a mess Maybe something else is on your mind? Yes getting a good night sleep is on my mind I can't even take a sleeping pill because of that damn baby Marc, I need help Of course you do And I am here for you What the hell do you think you're doing? I meant I needed you to hire a night nanny Oh ok, well I'll get right on it But Willy Aren't there maybe some other night needs, that aren't being met? Willy, Willy? Agh, this is so weird Hey Betty, I've got a web thing What do you think about "fun sex versus boring relationship sex"? You can write about all the boring things you do with what's his name - Matt - Whatever And I can write about all the fun things I'm gonna do With whatever guy I meet tonight How about the modern-day mating rituals You know something a little less personal Ooh you slut! Why? What are you hiding? Matt's into kink isn't he? Is he your loving pig? Does he like ice cubing? - Ice what? - Cubing No, Matt is into normal things I think Oh my god, are you actually saying that you haven't tapped that yet? No, but we're definitely headed in that direction We just haven't got there yet This is none of your business But Betty you have been dating for like a year - A month - Exactly And he's a billionaire and for some reason he seems to be into you What the hell are you waiting for? Betty are you wearing the La Fleur? Maybe .
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Ooh what's the special occasion? Matt and I have a date and I was kinda hoping tonight will be the night Hoping? if you're ready just tell him Well it's not that easy, I mean I've never had to do that before With Henry and Walter it just kinda happened Oh yeah, well some guys need more of a push Let me see your bra What?! Aye, papi jeez, you're going camping for two days not two weeks I know! He can bring six cans of bug sprays But I can't bring a blow dryer There's no electricity Oh dear god! Hey we hit the road at 5am You girls up for an early breakfast? Well I know I'll be there I have a date with Archie so I should be in bed by 9 Haha good! How about you Betty? Actually, I .
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Matt and I are gonna have a late dinner That's alright, I'll just come in and give you a little kiss before we leave Papi, I think that I'm gonna stay in the city tonight You know, get some work on my web article done How can you stay in the city, you don't have a place there anymore Jeez, papi, she's spending the night with her boyfriend Even I knew that, she's wearing lip gloss! Okay, I'll just see you when I see you, bye - Have fun! -Bye! Hey Daniel, can I ask you something? What do you think of me doing a poetry slam? Oh you're serious Yeah I've been writing poetry for years And I never had enough to perform any of it And it's something I've always wanted to do Then you should definitely do that You don't think it sounds crazy? I didn't say that Hey! Well seriously I think that's brave You couldn't pay me enough to get up in front of people and perform Why? Just a horrible scarring, High school rock band experience Oh my god! You were in a band? What did you play? Guitar, sort of, I thought I was really good, I was really bad! What happened? Umm I had to write this incredibly cheesy song "Crash and Burn" it was called For the battle of the bands at school I was laughed off the stage You would've laughed too though, especially if you'd seen my hair I wanna see a picture Oh no forget it, I don't wanna ruin your perfect image of me Too late Ok, Mr.
protégé piano guy, how's this one? That was it, that was it! That was a perfect A-flat Shut up! You're a bad liar No, I'm not lying, I'm still deafened from when you did your C-sharp Hey! Guess I should get you a cab Or I could come upstairs and take a peek at your new wall color Hahaha .
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That's funny, oh wait here comes one, taxi! No, Matt, I'm not expected home .
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There you go, alright I'll call you later, bye! That guy couldn't get rid of you fast enough! Thanks Archie that's sweet, ok, talk to you later Agh, what kind of a guy calls an hour after a date to say he had a good time I think he's a little too into me He spent all night touching my arm, and trying to hold my hand Oh poor Hilda! Nice guy can't keep his hands off of you, how awful! Excuse me, what is your problem? My problem is that you've been complaining about Archie Since the two of you started seeing each other He's so into me, he calls just to say nice things If it bothers you that much, then why don't you just break up with him? Maybe you're right, I tried to do the nice guy thing What can I say, he's just not my type What are you doing home anyway, I thought tonight was supposed to be like the night Well apparently, it wasn't What happened? Nothing, nothing happened I tried to make it very clear that I wanted to stay over And he just laughed and put me in a cab Well maybe he misunderstood your signals You're very subtle, that's your style Rule number 1, never be subtle I don't know, I mean, I think subtlety works sometimes Yeah maybe 100 years ago, in like the 1950's But trust me, these days, bolder is better So what, a girl's just supposed to come out and say it? You know, like I want to .
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You know, I mean not everybody can do that Oh my god! Still dry in Betty county? Still non of your business Amanda! Exactly! Betty in honor of us once being roommates I'm going to personally teach you how to be sexy Well you know, as sexy as this can be I will show you some of my no-fail moves Admit it Betty, you need a little help in this department It'll be great for our article - Well - Woooo Get ready, Betty, sex train is coming Agh how lame How cool, a poetry slam? Yup Molly's super excited and I've been so busy trying to keep this company together I just really want it to be a great night for her Well I'll definitely be there, I love poetry It was one of my favorite classes in college - Really? - Yeah Maybe you should read this I think it's pretty good although I'm not much of a poetry person Softly caressing waves, good title .
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Wow, wow Wow what, wow good or wow bad Just wow! I'm impressed that Molly's reading this, it's very personal and intimate It is? I thought it was about the ocean Daniel, the ocean is a metaphor for you and her, and the two of you .
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Softly caressing .
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Wow, I mean I totally missed that, are you sure? Pretty sure, I lay my head on the soft pale sand breathing in his salty scent Is that supposed to be my chest? And I'm pretty sure that the rock is your head How do you know it's my head? Cause it's crying? What? Rocks don't cry Wow, it's so weird to be back here I know right? I miss the me it was with us Okay, we're ready for operation Betty sexification Amanda, I thought it was just gonna be us girls - It is - You can thank us later by taking us to lunch Agh, this is an impossible deadline Matt's gonna be here in two hours God, where do we even begin, look at her Umm yeah, this is a toughie, we have to stay calm The key is to come at your target using all six senses Sound, smell, taste, touch, sight and style Well technically style is .
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Shhh! We have to work fast and furious if we're gonna make it in time Now, pay attention First sense sound Next sense, smell Taste Show him your lips are available and open for business Eat slowly and seductively - Touch - Ignite his pleasure center with a soft graze Sight and style Now the art of the seductive hair flick Ok, put this on - Now, what about those braces can those come off? - No Can we at least lose the glasses? I kind of need them to see My concern is what he's going to see Oh and don't forget about this A ladle? What's this for? You'll know when the time comes I can't believe I'm saying this but Betty Suarez is getting some strange tonight - Hey thanks guys - Go get him tiger Where did he go? Where are you? Who the hell are you? I'm your new night nanny The new night nanny? What was that brawling? Oh I was reading William Goldilocks and the three bears I guess I got a little roarrr, carried away I'm Sorry if I woke you up I'm James by the way Carry on James This place is even better than last night We'll have two orders of that please You have got to try this dish, it's killing Oh? Don't move, you just look really pretty in that light Oh thank you And now you moved and it's gone Kidding it's still on Listen Archie, I think maybe .
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Archie? Archie I thought that was you how are you? I'm, I'm good, real good Hilda, this is Felicia, she and I used to be neighbors Oh well we used to be more than that Biggest mistake I ever made was letting this one slip through my fingers I thought I take a little break to make you flash cards and seduce you Oh god I love your chest so warm and cozy So I finally had a chance to read your poem You did? What did you think? Yeah it's great Had some thoughts from an editorial perspective if you want That would be great, I would love your professional opinion I'll go grab it Got it right here Wow you made a lot of notes No no, I just kinda jotted down some ideas Like um, instead of softly caressing, Maybe the waves should be hard and crashing And should this rock really sprout tears? It seems exaggerated I mean I would buy it if the rock maybe shed a single tear once Or you could just lose the image all together Ok, you wanna tell me what this is really about? I know this poem is about us, you know .
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Having sex .
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Yeah .
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So? So you're gonna read this in public Like in front of people I work with, it's embarrassing I see Well the last thing I wanted to do is embarrass you Molly come on No it's fine, I'll just read something else I should get back to work You always did know how to make me laugh I swear the biggest mistake I ever made was letting this guy slip through my fingers Yeah, you mentioned that Felicia, maybe we should get started on our food before it gets cold Oh my god! I didn't even notice, what a jerk - It was so nice meeting you - Yeah, you too Call me sugar I'm sorry, Felicia is a bit of a talker I know! I was like hello, we're on a date here Come in! Hello Oh hey Matt I'll be right out I'm just changing out my work clothes Okay Wow this place is cool Now I can see why you were so bummed out when you had to give it up Uh, you know we should really get going if we're gonna make that movie What's your hurry soldier? Wow you look great, but the movie starts in like 20 minutes You should probably get dressed Actually, I was thinking Maybe we could just stay in tonight and relax Oh I made mojitos, want one? Uh, I'm not really a mojito kinda guy Oh okay, well then, we could just get comfortable And sit, we could sit Oh look what you found Sorry, here We should probably just go to that movie Or we could stay here and you know, be together .
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Betty, I can't do this Matt, where are you going? Betty I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me - Wow, that was .
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Wow - I know - I did not expect that to happen - Me neither I .
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To be honest I actually thought you were gonna break up with me - I totally was - You were? Yeah, if Felicia hadn't stopped by and interrupted me, This evening would've gone a hell of a lot differently So what made you change your mind? Huh? I don't know You weren't gonna give me a chance until you saw another woman was into me What? That is not true Okay, alright maybe it is a little bit, I usually go for that kinda guy, you know Right .
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So do I need Felicia to interrupt everyday to get you in the mood? Cause that would be, you know, pretty complicated foreplay No, but a little tattoo on your back wouldn't hurt You know what, I'm gonna go Excuse me what just happened here? Thanks for a memorable night I was just kidding So that is your idea of a qualified child care professional? Oh my god, he's completely qualified He's a former model and he's done diaper commercials Ok honestly, I thought that manny poppins might help you get your groove back You know, so that you can sleep better What are you implying? My groove is perfectly fine Willy, I keep your appointments remember? And I haven't scheduled you for one of your weekly "carwashes" since before Connor And .
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I just thought that James could wash your car for you It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard Oh come on, he's totally hot, he looks like Taye Diggs What is it with white people and Taye Diggs? Fine, I will call another nanny Wait, he does already know the apartment So he can stay .
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For now Oh and book me a Brazilian with Jonny Oooh Completely unrelated It went horribly What? Our moves didn't work? Impossible Those moves are fabby You must've done something wrong Did you do the hair flick? Or use the ladle Guys don't worry, it wasn't your moves, it was me The whole night was a disaster I practically threw myself at him and he ran out the door Running away from a girl screaming? That sounds like my prom night Oh My god he's gay - Or a virgin - Or a woman Umm that feels right Well, I just, I wanna talk to him about it But I can't because he just texted me and he's working through lunch Um, that does not fly with me If I were you I would march over to his office right now And give him a piece of my mind Oh Betty's not the type to do something like that You know what, I'm going to Wow, aren't you full of surprises I just .
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I can't take another second of replaying last night in my head I'll go nuts, I just need to talk to him Right after you buy us lunch That's Matt's building I don't know what I'm gonna say to him What am I gonna say to him? Oh well you better think fast cause Richie Rich just left the building No, Amanda! Someone's not working through lunch, we should follow him No guys, I'm not gonna do that Well if you don't, then we will No, no, Amanda, Marc! It's kinda silly, guys slow down Oh god This is stupid, why are we doing this I know, I just wanna finish this episode of mex in the city And get something to eat, my stomach is eating itself The bagel has landed Hey Oh-my-god, he is totally two-timing you There must be an explanation for this Agh, let's get this show on the road, I'm starving Betty? Betty what are you doing here? Oh it's a beautiful day Matt, hey, hi I didn't mean to follow you I'm just still a little confused about last night and .
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If you're with her that's fine, I mean it's not fine but .
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Oh god, I wish I wasn't here right now - I'm Helen - My therapist Why don't you join us? Betty sorry I said I have to work through lunch I just needed to see Helen I don't know what I'm supposed to say You can say, or not say anything you wanna say or not say Ok .
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So um, about last night Look Matt, it was my fault I was trying to push you into doing something you obviously don't wanna do so .
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No, no, no, that's not it at all Matt, it's fine, just tell me if you're not attracted to me Or if you'd rather just stay friends No, I am attracted to you Well then was it Oh god, this is so embarrassing Why? Oh, are you a virgin? That's okay I don't really have that much experience either Oh no, I've been with women And kind of a lot of women And really lot Wow Look, look I know this must sound weird It's just, I've been kinda lonely my whole life In the past Matt has used sex as a way to connect to people So I made a contract with Helen that I wouldn't be with someone Until I really connected with them first And .
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This amazing thing happened, I met you And I started having all these feelings And then when the sex came up I guess I just .
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I just panicked And how do you feel now? Calm, I feel calm Good I'm so glad it's out in the open And Betty how do you feel? Great, I feel .
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Strange Matt's been with hundreds of women? Well he didn't say hundreds but he's definitely pointing in that direction Man what a dog! Not really helping, I know No you're not, can we change the subject Your car's coming to pick you up to take you straight to the poetry club from here Great, you're coming right? Yeah, I'll be there, I'm excited to hear Molly read her poem Oh she's not gonna read that one anymore Why? It's so beautiful I asked her not to What? Well you saw what it was about I can't exactly have her reading stuff about our sex life in front of everyone I work with Daniel, sorry to break it to you But your sex life has kinda been on display for years Come on, that's different Why? Because you don't mind people knowing that you're a playboy But you don't want anyone to know that you cry when you're with the woman you love? Okay, you're making me sound like an ass Well you kind of are I'm sorry, but Molly's sick, and she wrote a poem about how much she loves you And she's brave enough to stand up in front of strangers and say that You can be brave enough to let her So we talked it through and Archie's coming over Hilda, you called a guy back and apologized? Wow, you must really like this Archie I know! Something happened last night, It's like we really .
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We really connected you know Can we maybe not talk about sex tonight? Oh honey, you and Matt you're gonna be fine I don't know Hilda I mean a couple of days ago I was ready to spend the night And now I hope it doesn't even come up Honey he talked to his shrink about you Obviously you're important to him It's just complicated, now I'm one of hundreds I don't feel very special Agh wouldn't it be great if all of life's problems could be solved with good hair Alright cover up That must be Archie, come in Felicia, what are you doing here? I came to tell you to back off my man Excuse me? I decided I want Archie back Oh, sorry you can't have him No offense but you can't stop me Archie loves him some Vanilla ice cream Okay you know maybe .
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Well no offense, but I don't think Archie's gonna go back to vanilla When he has tasted hot, melted, caramel surprise What's the surprise? Your fat ass? - Oh No you didn't - No, no Hilda, she didn't mean that Oh yes I did, and I also meant to do this Oh bitch How do you like that - Hope you like eggs cause your head's about to look like one - No, no Is that all you got? At least let me get these eyebrows You're gonna hurt somebody Stop, stop! Are you crazy? What the hell is going on here? It's so chilly in here, do you mind if I start a fire? Sure Oh it looks like you have a little something on your shirt Oh I guess the baby spit up a little It's no big deal Oh nonsense, let me wash it, I was just about to do a little laundry Okay - Thank you - You're welcome, thank you! Thank you, thank you Hey hey, I'm really glad that we talked with Helen today I mean it was weird, but I'm glad Yeah yeah me too Who's that? Oh she works at the coffee shop near my apartment Hey hey, it's the only place I know her from in case you're wondering What? No, no, I wasn't wondering anything Your shirt will be done soon So in the mean time why don't we .
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- Are you okay? - I'm fine And there I sit wrapped oh so tight against the night In my insecurity, like it Molly, hey I'm so sorry about what I said before This poem you wrote is beautiful and it's touching And I'd be so proud to hear you read it tonight You would? Molly, you're up Get em, take it I'm just so angry at myself I knew I shouldn't have let Connor in It was against every instinct I had Now I can't get his stupid face out of my dreams Shh, that's it, that's it, let it out I don't wanna let it out, I just wanna have sex Uh, I didn't, I didn't .
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Oh just take your pants off I don't think what you need is sex What I think you need is to find a way to close the door on this Connor guy And focus on your baby Well thank you James I think you really helped me And since we won't be having sex, now you're fired Get out .
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Out Oh great thank you Betty, Betty you're okay? Sorry, I'm gonna go say bye to Daniel Did you finally get rid of her? Yeah and don't worry Felicia won't bother you anymore I promise Oh I know So what's going on here? Yesterday you're not into me and today you're fighting for me I thought I wasn't your type Ok, I know it was a really dumb thing to say Especially since my type hasn't really worked out for me so well I just wanted to see what it would be like you know with a nice guy Hilda I like you but I'm sorry to warn you I have a type too I think I sorta go for the bad girls You think I'm a bad girl? Well maybe I'm a little bad but.
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You loved it, two girls going at it over you Please, I'm a grown man, I hardly think I need to get my thrills .
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- You loved it - I know it was really hot So what are we saying? We're giving us another chance? Yeah And oh by the way, I'm not always such a nice guy I know I'm home Oh my god Imma start ringing the bell I liked Molly's poem Yeah Does Daniel cry at work too? Not everyday So I guess I should get a cab Wait Betty wait, I was thinking maybe you could come back to my place See my new wall color, I mean if you want Matt, I don't know - You're freaked out - Yeah I just .
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I wanted to be special and .
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I'm sorry but right now I just .
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I feel like a number You are! Number one - Come on, Matt I'm serious - No so am I Betty, this would be the first time that I have ever been with a woman I really care about So technically, you are my first Aww, that's so corny and sweet - I make myself nervous my hands are shaking - No, don't worry, so are mine This one goes out to the woman I love A classic from my high school battle of the bands We're driving down the highway Cold wind in my hair Just me and my special lady We haven't got a care .
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In the world But the road ahead's uncertain, there'll be bumps along the way And I know there'll be some hurting so I hit the gas and pray Well I don't wanna crash and burn Don't wanna go too fast Wanna be with you, wanna see this through I don't wanna crash and burn Don't wanna go too fast I want to be with you Wanna make this last forever And ever my lady Made by Nazel
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Saw it and I thought of you, Bee for Betty The stones aren't real or anything I mean they're real, they're just not .
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You know .
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It's beautiful, I love it I wanted to get you something in honor of our monthiversary Has it been a month already? You know, you don't always have to bring me back to Queens Well that's where my queen lives Dad! Made by Nazel I'm so sorry I didn't realize you two were out here Hi Matt Hello Mr.
Suarez I was on my to the Bianco's see if I could borrow their cooler to go on this trip I made them sugar cookies On what trip? My dad is taking Justin to a cabin in the Poconos with Elena and her nephews Oh that should be cool Yeah cool Oh ok, I'll see you kids later - Sorry - That's okay You don't have to walk me all the way in What can I say .
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I'm a nice guy Hey I had fun tonight Oh me too Thank you, thanks for dinner! It was delicious Papi! Oh no! I'm so sorry It's okay, I have a hard head How are you doing Mr.
Suarez? Good, good, how are you councilman? I'm good Good .
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Good! Well I guess I should be getting home I'll see you tomorrow Oh ok, oh ok Goodnight Bye Bye! For now So another date huh? Things are going good between you guys I guess Hilda, how was your date? You guess? Why aren't you more enthusiastic? Archie is a great guy I know papi okay? I like him, I'm just not sure if I LIKE him yet Hilda, that's like saying you're not sure you like Sirloin steak, it's crazy Mum, Do I really have to go camping with grandpa and Elena? Yes! Elena's nephews are dying to meet you And they planned the whole thing with you and Mike They planned it with me and Mike to be at a spa With mud baths and ginger facials You're going There'll be plenty of mud Connor? Connor? Okay guys, with Mode's first ever sex issue on the stand in just 3 days It might seem like the hard work's over But it's not In order to get new advertisers and keep the old ones We have to make sure our overnight numbers kill That means using every resource we can to get people talking You know, fire them up Oh Daniel, we could do a tying with modernway.
com Bring it! Great! See, that's an awesome idea I think you people know how important this issue is Pardon me, I had a late night Here's some more coffee for you You all know what to do, let's get to it Ok, you are going to laugh I just got off the phone with the Olsen's twins Apparently they feel just awful that they didn't include you In their big "influence" cokie table book So they would love it, if you would be a part of their next book "More influence" Willy Willy? Oh my god, oh my god! She's dead, She's dead! Stop your shrieking Marc, I was just taking a nap But your eyes were .
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I haven't slept in weeks I just wake all night, feeling so tense Well naturally, look at your desk, it's a mess Maybe something else is on your mind? Yes getting a good night sleep is on my mind I can't even take a sleeping pill because of that damn baby Marc, I need help Of course you do And I am here for you What the hell do you think you're doing? I meant I needed you to hire a night nanny Oh ok, well I'll get right on it But Willy Aren't there maybe some other night needs, that aren't being met? Willy, Willy? Agh, this is so weird Hey Betty, I've got a web thing What do you think about "fun sex versus boring relationship sex"? You can write about all the boring things you do with what's his name - Matt - Whatever And I can write about all the fun things I'm gonna do With whatever guy I meet tonight How about the modern-day mating rituals You know something a little less personal Ooh you slut! Why? What are you hiding? Matt's into kink isn't he? Is he your loving pig? Does he like ice cubing? - Ice what? - Cubing No, Matt is into normal things I think Oh my god, are you actually saying that you haven't tapped that yet? No, but we're definitely headed in that direction We just haven't got there yet This is none of your business But Betty you have been dating for like a year - A month - Exactly And he's a billionaire and for some reason he seems to be into you What the hell are you waiting for? Betty are you wearing the La Fleur? Maybe .
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Ooh what's the special occasion? Matt and I have a date and I was kinda hoping tonight will be the night Hoping? if you're ready just tell him Well it's not that easy, I mean I've never had to do that before With Henry and Walter it just kinda happened Oh yeah, well some guys need more of a push Let me see your bra What?! Aye, papi jeez, you're going camping for two days not two weeks I know! He can bring six cans of bug sprays But I can't bring a blow dryer There's no electricity Oh dear god! Hey we hit the road at 5am You girls up for an early breakfast? Well I know I'll be there I have a date with Archie so I should be in bed by 9 Haha good! How about you Betty? Actually, I .
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Matt and I are gonna have a late dinner That's alright, I'll just come in and give you a little kiss before we leave Papi, I think that I'm gonna stay in the city tonight You know, get some work on my web article done How can you stay in the city, you don't have a place there anymore Jeez, papi, she's spending the night with her boyfriend Even I knew that, she's wearing lip gloss! Okay, I'll just see you when I see you, bye - Have fun! -Bye! Hey Daniel, can I ask you something? What do you think of me doing a poetry slam? Oh you're serious Yeah I've been writing poetry for years And I never had enough to perform any of it And it's something I've always wanted to do Then you should definitely do that You don't think it sounds crazy? I didn't say that Hey! Well seriously I think that's brave You couldn't pay me enough to get up in front of people and perform Why? Just a horrible scarring, High school rock band experience Oh my god! You were in a band? What did you play? Guitar, sort of, I thought I was really good, I was really bad! What happened? Umm I had to write this incredibly cheesy song "Crash and Burn" it was called For the battle of the bands at school I was laughed off the stage You would've laughed too though, especially if you'd seen my hair I wanna see a picture Oh no forget it, I don't wanna ruin your perfect image of me Too late Ok, Mr.
protégé piano guy, how's this one? That was it, that was it! That was a perfect A-flat Shut up! You're a bad liar No, I'm not lying, I'm still deafened from when you did your C-sharp Hey! Guess I should get you a cab Or I could come upstairs and take a peek at your new wall color Hahaha .
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That's funny, oh wait here comes one, taxi! No, Matt, I'm not expected home .
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There you go, alright I'll call you later, bye! That guy couldn't get rid of you fast enough! Thanks Archie that's sweet, ok, talk to you later Agh, what kind of a guy calls an hour after a date to say he had a good time I think he's a little too into me He spent all night touching my arm, and trying to hold my hand Oh poor Hilda! Nice guy can't keep his hands off of you, how awful! Excuse me, what is your problem? My problem is that you've been complaining about Archie Since the two of you started seeing each other He's so into me, he calls just to say nice things If it bothers you that much, then why don't you just break up with him? Maybe you're right, I tried to do the nice guy thing What can I say, he's just not my type What are you doing home anyway, I thought tonight was supposed to be like the night Well apparently, it wasn't What happened? Nothing, nothing happened I tried to make it very clear that I wanted to stay over And he just laughed and put me in a cab Well maybe he misunderstood your signals You're very subtle, that's your style Rule number 1, never be subtle I don't know, I mean, I think subtlety works sometimes Yeah maybe 100 years ago, in like the 1950's But trust me, these days, bolder is better So what, a girl's just supposed to come out and say it? You know, like I want to .
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You know, I mean not everybody can do that Oh my god! Still dry in Betty county? Still non of your business Amanda! Exactly! Betty in honor of us once being roommates I'm going to personally teach you how to be sexy Well you know, as sexy as this can be I will show you some of my no-fail moves Admit it Betty, you need a little help in this department It'll be great for our article - Well - Woooo Get ready, Betty, sex train is coming Agh how lame How cool, a poetry slam? Yup Molly's super excited and I've been so busy trying to keep this company together I just really want it to be a great night for her Well I'll definitely be there, I love poetry It was one of my favorite classes in college - Really? - Yeah Maybe you should read this I think it's pretty good although I'm not much of a poetry person Softly caressing waves, good title .
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Wow, wow Wow what, wow good or wow bad Just wow! I'm impressed that Molly's reading this, it's very personal and intimate It is? I thought it was about the ocean Daniel, the ocean is a metaphor for you and her, and the two of you .
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Softly caressing .
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Wow, I mean I totally missed that, are you sure? Pretty sure, I lay my head on the soft pale sand breathing in his salty scent Is that supposed to be my chest? And I'm pretty sure that the rock is your head How do you know it's my head? Cause it's crying? What? Rocks don't cry Wow, it's so weird to be back here I know right? I miss the me it was with us Okay, we're ready for operation Betty sexification Amanda, I thought it was just gonna be us girls - It is - You can thank us later by taking us to lunch Agh, this is an impossible deadline Matt's gonna be here in two hours God, where do we even begin, look at her Umm yeah, this is a toughie, we have to stay calm The key is to come at your target using all six senses Sound, smell, taste, touch, sight and style Well technically style is .
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Shhh! We have to work fast and furious if we're gonna make it in time Now, pay attention First sense sound Next sense, smell Taste Show him your lips are available and open for business Eat slowly and seductively - Touch - Ignite his pleasure center with a soft graze Sight and style Now the art of the seductive hair flick Ok, put this on - Now, what about those braces can those come off? - No Can we at least lose the glasses? I kind of need them to see My concern is what he's going to see Oh and don't forget about this A ladle? What's this for? You'll know when the time comes I can't believe I'm saying this but Betty Suarez is getting some strange tonight - Hey thanks guys - Go get him tiger Where did he go? Where are you? Who the hell are you? I'm your new night nanny The new night nanny? What was that brawling? Oh I was reading William Goldilocks and the three bears I guess I got a little roarrr, carried away I'm Sorry if I woke you up I'm James by the way Carry on James This place is even better than last night We'll have two orders of that please You have got to try this dish, it's killing Oh? Don't move, you just look really pretty in that light Oh thank you And now you moved and it's gone Kidding it's still on Listen Archie, I think maybe .
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Archie? Archie I thought that was you how are you? I'm, I'm good, real good Hilda, this is Felicia, she and I used to be neighbors Oh well we used to be more than that Biggest mistake I ever made was letting this one slip through my fingers I thought I take a little break to make you flash cards and seduce you Oh god I love your chest so warm and cozy So I finally had a chance to read your poem You did? What did you think? Yeah it's great Had some thoughts from an editorial perspective if you want That would be great, I would love your professional opinion I'll go grab it Got it right here Wow you made a lot of notes No no, I just kinda jotted down some ideas Like um, instead of softly caressing, Maybe the waves should be hard and crashing And should this rock really sprout tears? It seems exaggerated I mean I would buy it if the rock maybe shed a single tear once Or you could just lose the image all together Ok, you wanna tell me what this is really about? I know this poem is about us, you know .
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Having sex .
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Yeah .
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So? So you're gonna read this in public Like in front of people I work with, it's embarrassing I see Well the last thing I wanted to do is embarrass you Molly come on No it's fine, I'll just read something else I should get back to work You always did know how to make me laugh I swear the biggest mistake I ever made was letting this guy slip through my fingers Yeah, you mentioned that Felicia, maybe we should get started on our food before it gets cold Oh my god! I didn't even notice, what a jerk - It was so nice meeting you - Yeah, you too Call me sugar I'm sorry, Felicia is a bit of a talker I know! I was like hello, we're on a date here Come in! Hello Oh hey Matt I'll be right out I'm just changing out my work clothes Okay Wow this place is cool Now I can see why you were so bummed out when you had to give it up Uh, you know we should really get going if we're gonna make that movie What's your hurry soldier? Wow you look great, but the movie starts in like 20 minutes You should probably get dressed Actually, I was thinking Maybe we could just stay in tonight and relax Oh I made mojitos, want one? Uh, I'm not really a mojito kinda guy Oh okay, well then, we could just get comfortable And sit, we could sit Oh look what you found Sorry, here We should probably just go to that movie Or we could stay here and you know, be together .
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Betty, I can't do this Matt, where are you going? Betty I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me - Wow, that was .
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Wow - I know - I did not expect that to happen - Me neither I .
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To be honest I actually thought you were gonna break up with me - I totally was - You were? Yeah, if Felicia hadn't stopped by and interrupted me, This evening would've gone a hell of a lot differently So what made you change your mind? Huh? I don't know You weren't gonna give me a chance until you saw another woman was into me What? That is not true Okay, alright maybe it is a little bit, I usually go for that kinda guy, you know Right .
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So do I need Felicia to interrupt everyday to get you in the mood? Cause that would be, you know, pretty complicated foreplay No, but a little tattoo on your back wouldn't hurt You know what, I'm gonna go Excuse me what just happened here? Thanks for a memorable night I was just kidding So that is your idea of a qualified child care professional? Oh my god, he's completely qualified He's a former model and he's done diaper commercials Ok honestly, I thought that manny poppins might help you get your groove back You know, so that you can sleep better What are you implying? My groove is perfectly fine Willy, I keep your appointments remember? And I haven't scheduled you for one of your weekly "carwashes" since before Connor And .
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I just thought that James could wash your car for you It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard Oh come on, he's totally hot, he looks like Taye Diggs What is it with white people and Taye Diggs? Fine, I will call another nanny Wait, he does already know the apartment So he can stay .
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For now Oh and book me a Brazilian with Jonny Oooh Completely unrelated It went horribly What? Our moves didn't work? Impossible Those moves are fabby You must've done something wrong Did you do the hair flick? Or use the ladle Guys don't worry, it wasn't your moves, it was me The whole night was a disaster I practically threw myself at him and he ran out the door Running away from a girl screaming? That sounds like my prom night Oh My god he's gay - Or a virgin - Or a woman Umm that feels right Well, I just, I wanna talk to him about it But I can't because he just texted me and he's working through lunch Um, that does not fly with me If I were you I would march over to his office right now And give him a piece of my mind Oh Betty's not the type to do something like that You know what, I'm going to Wow, aren't you full of surprises I just .
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I can't take another second of replaying last night in my head I'll go nuts, I just need to talk to him Right after you buy us lunch That's Matt's building I don't know what I'm gonna say to him What am I gonna say to him? Oh well you better think fast cause Richie Rich just left the building No, Amanda! Someone's not working through lunch, we should follow him No guys, I'm not gonna do that Well if you don't, then we will No, no, Amanda, Marc! It's kinda silly, guys slow down Oh god This is stupid, why are we doing this I know, I just wanna finish this episode of mex in the city And get something to eat, my stomach is eating itself The bagel has landed Hey Oh-my-god, he is totally two-timing you There must be an explanation for this Agh, let's get this show on the road, I'm starving Betty? Betty what are you doing here? Oh it's a beautiful day Matt, hey, hi I didn't mean to follow you I'm just still a little confused about last night and .
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If you're with her that's fine, I mean it's not fine but .
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Oh god, I wish I wasn't here right now - I'm Helen - My therapist Why don't you join us? Betty sorry I said I have to work through lunch I just needed to see Helen I don't know what I'm supposed to say You can say, or not say anything you wanna say or not say Ok .
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So um, about last night Look Matt, it was my fault I was trying to push you into doing something you obviously don't wanna do so .
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No, no, no, that's not it at all Matt, it's fine, just tell me if you're not attracted to me Or if you'd rather just stay friends No, I am attracted to you Well then was it Oh god, this is so embarrassing Why? Oh, are you a virgin? That's okay I don't really have that much experience either Oh no, I've been with women And kind of a lot of women And really lot Wow Look, look I know this must sound weird It's just, I've been kinda lonely my whole life In the past Matt has used sex as a way to connect to people So I made a contract with Helen that I wouldn't be with someone Until I really connected with them first And .
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This amazing thing happened, I met you And I started having all these feelings And then when the sex came up I guess I just .
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I just panicked And how do you feel now? Calm, I feel calm Good I'm so glad it's out in the open And Betty how do you feel? Great, I feel .
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Strange Matt's been with hundreds of women? Well he didn't say hundreds but he's definitely pointing in that direction Man what a dog! Not really helping, I know No you're not, can we change the subject Your car's coming to pick you up to take you straight to the poetry club from here Great, you're coming right? Yeah, I'll be there, I'm excited to hear Molly read her poem Oh she's not gonna read that one anymore Why? It's so beautiful I asked her not to What? Well you saw what it was about I can't exactly have her reading stuff about our sex life in front of everyone I work with Daniel, sorry to break it to you But your sex life has kinda been on display for years Come on, that's different Why? Because you don't mind people knowing that you're a playboy But you don't want anyone to know that you cry when you're with the woman you love? Okay, you're making me sound like an ass Well you kind of are I'm sorry, but Molly's sick, and she wrote a poem about how much she loves you And she's brave enough to stand up in front of strangers and say that You can be brave enough to let her So we talked it through and Archie's coming over Hilda, you called a guy back and apologized? Wow, you must really like this Archie I know! Something happened last night, It's like we really .
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We really connected you know Can we maybe not talk about sex tonight? Oh honey, you and Matt you're gonna be fine I don't know Hilda I mean a couple of days ago I was ready to spend the night And now I hope it doesn't even come up Honey he talked to his shrink about you Obviously you're important to him It's just complicated, now I'm one of hundreds I don't feel very special Agh wouldn't it be great if all of life's problems could be solved with good hair Alright cover up That must be Archie, come in Felicia, what are you doing here? I came to tell you to back off my man Excuse me? I decided I want Archie back Oh, sorry you can't have him No offense but you can't stop me Archie loves him some Vanilla ice cream Okay you know maybe .
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Well no offense, but I don't think Archie's gonna go back to vanilla When he has tasted hot, melted, caramel surprise What's the surprise? Your fat ass? - Oh No you didn't - No, no Hilda, she didn't mean that Oh yes I did, and I also meant to do this Oh bitch How do you like that - Hope you like eggs cause your head's about to look like one - No, no Is that all you got? At least let me get these eyebrows You're gonna hurt somebody Stop, stop! Are you crazy? What the hell is going on here? It's so chilly in here, do you mind if I start a fire? Sure Oh it looks like you have a little something on your shirt Oh I guess the baby spit up a little It's no big deal Oh nonsense, let me wash it, I was just about to do a little laundry Okay - Thank you - You're welcome, thank you! Thank you, thank you Hey hey, I'm really glad that we talked with Helen today I mean it was weird, but I'm glad Yeah yeah me too Who's that? Oh she works at the coffee shop near my apartment Hey hey, it's the only place I know her from in case you're wondering What? No, no, I wasn't wondering anything Your shirt will be done soon So in the mean time why don't we .
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- Are you okay? - I'm fine And there I sit wrapped oh so tight against the night In my insecurity, like it Molly, hey I'm so sorry about what I said before This poem you wrote is beautiful and it's touching And I'd be so proud to hear you read it tonight You would? Molly, you're up Get em, take it I'm just so angry at myself I knew I shouldn't have let Connor in It was against every instinct I had Now I can't get his stupid face out of my dreams Shh, that's it, that's it, let it out I don't wanna let it out, I just wanna have sex Uh, I didn't, I didn't .
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Oh just take your pants off I don't think what you need is sex What I think you need is to find a way to close the door on this Connor guy And focus on your baby Well thank you James I think you really helped me And since we won't be having sex, now you're fired Get out .
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Out Oh great thank you Betty, Betty you're okay? Sorry, I'm gonna go say bye to Daniel Did you finally get rid of her? Yeah and don't worry Felicia won't bother you anymore I promise Oh I know So what's going on here? Yesterday you're not into me and today you're fighting for me I thought I wasn't your type Ok, I know it was a really dumb thing to say Especially since my type hasn't really worked out for me so well I just wanted to see what it would be like you know with a nice guy Hilda I like you but I'm sorry to warn you I have a type too I think I sorta go for the bad girls You think I'm a bad girl? Well maybe I'm a little bad but.
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You loved it, two girls going at it over you Please, I'm a grown man, I hardly think I need to get my thrills .
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- You loved it - I know it was really hot So what are we saying? We're giving us another chance? Yeah And oh by the way, I'm not always such a nice guy I know I'm home Oh my god Imma start ringing the bell I liked Molly's poem Yeah Does Daniel cry at work too? Not everyday So I guess I should get a cab Wait Betty wait, I was thinking maybe you could come back to my place See my new wall color, I mean if you want Matt, I don't know - You're freaked out - Yeah I just .
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I wanted to be special and .
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I'm sorry but right now I just .
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I feel like a number You are! Number one - Come on, Matt I'm serious - No so am I Betty, this would be the first time that I have ever been with a woman I really care about So technically, you are my first Aww, that's so corny and sweet - I make myself nervous my hands are shaking - No, don't worry, so are mine This one goes out to the woman I love A classic from my high school battle of the bands We're driving down the highway Cold wind in my hair Just me and my special lady We haven't got a care .
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In the world But the road ahead's uncertain, there'll be bumps along the way And I know there'll be some hurting so I hit the gas and pray Well I don't wanna crash and burn Don't wanna go too fast Wanna be with you, wanna see this through I don't wanna crash and burn Don't wanna go too fast I want to be with you Wanna make this last forever And ever my lady Made by Nazel