Workaholics s03e19 Episode Script

No.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, sure.
- What are you doing? - Aah! - Whoa! - Ooh.
You know what? I'm outta here.
No, no, no, wait, no, no, no.
Oh, hey, hey, hey! Don't leave! They'll leave! - I'll make them leave! - Sorry.
You're not gonna survive the apocalypse - with that attitude.
- What the hell are you doing? - We're larping.
- We're larping.
Get psyched up for Undead Apocalypse.
The game comes out tomorrow, man! Yeah, I'm a zombie.
I'm not like a dumb zombie who eats brains.
I'm like a smart one who eats, like - like, Boston market and stuff.
- Yeah.
Okay, good to know.
I was about to do some eatin' of my own until you guys came in.
- Really? - That's awesome.
You know what? That was the girl from the bank.
- Wasn't it? - That was the darkness? That was the darkness! Her name is Jenny from the bank.
So Jenny was the girl that was definitely not - gonna bless you with her sex.
- Oh.
Does this look like she was never gonna bless me with her sex? Dang.
Ders got some butt.
And I actually need weed for, like, everything in my life.
- It's a crutch.
- It's pretty bad, yeah.
Hey, Blake, I'm feeling sick, so I need you to work my desk for the rest of the day.
Ugh.
You look horrible.
- Well - Yeah.
About that, I can't, not today.
Code Of Ronin comes out tonight, and I gotta save a spot in line at the video game store.
Actually, I was just about to leave.
Check it out.
- That's good form.
- Nice.
Huh? I'm gonna put 'em in the bathroom stall, tell everybody I'm crapping the rest of the day.
Okay, well, I can't lie to you guys.
I'm not really sick.
I just I told Alice that, so I could leave early to go see Walking With Arena Spectacular.
Uh, maybe one of these guys could cover for you.
I really shouldn't.
It would set a precedence in this office - that we don't need.
- No, for Alice? We'd probably end up fuggin' all day, get no work done.
Please, Blake.
I mean, my lifelong dream is to live in Jurassic Park times.
Please, I really need this! I need it! Okay? Please, Blake! All right, all right, all right, yeah.
- Oh, okay, great.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's Alice's appointment book.
Okay, sure, appointment book.
- Have a lot of fun.
- Get out of here.
Jillian, feel better.
Oh, no.
I'm not actually sick.
So what you said about my face earlier was - it was rude.
- No game.
Great, now I'm gonna be everybody's skill level.
Those racist teenagers online are gonna butt ram me.
- Ders.
- Sorry.
Buddy, come on, dude.
Please just stand in line for me.
And then once I get off work, I'll come bail you out, please.
- No.
- Come on.
Are you kidding, after last night? Dude, I gotta get the darkness back to our house.
I'm thinking about stepping it up, getting out the guy-liner, crossing over.
Yeah, you do kinda look like Jared Leto a little bit.
- Seriously, thank you.
- Yeah, but, like, an uglier version of him.
Sure, that works for me.
I guess, probably not even Jared Leto, like a relative of his who's fat and ugly but still sees Jared on Christmas.
Can't slam me, not with Jared Leto in there.
- Adam? - Hmm? - Help me out, dude.
- Mm-mm.
Come on, you're my brother.
You're my bro! - Come on.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
I hate lines, dude.
Look, you could buy a bunch of games.
And then when they sell out, you could sell 'em on eBay.
You'll make, like, a lot of money.
I could make, like, Yeah, no, not that much, but, like, a healthy profit.
You know what? I'll do it.
- Yes! - I need money, actually.
Because I've recently given a ton of money to charity, so - that's awesome, man.
- Good for you, man.
- Just kidding.
- Blake! Where the hell are you? I need a toasted bagel with salmon cream cheese and my yerba mate.
Coming, Alice.
- Coming at ya.
- Oh.
Hey, Dark Jenny, it's Anders.
Oh, hey.
Just calling to apologize about last night.
Um, I was hoping I could make it up to you - this evening.
- I can't tonight.
I'm gonna wait in line for Code Of Ronin: Undead Apocalypse.
Code Of Ronin? Yeah, I know it 'cause my roommates are gonna go wait in line for it.
You don't have to.
They'll just pick you up a copy and, uh, since you'll be at my house already, they can just give it to you late night.
Hey! Did you punk bitches take my salmon cream cheese? No, I haven't seen it.
Good luck.
Anyway, so it'll just be me and you, - you and me and - Yoo-hoo.
That shit was from Noah's! I ain't gonna let you chitchat till you get me my cream cheese.
Hello, hey! Hey, girl! Hey, girl, he got baby balls! Jesus.
What's all that noise? I'm watching an episode of Martin.
- There.
- This ain't my cream cheese.
And it's definitely not salmon-flavored.
But I don't look, Tez, please.
I'm desperately trying to get this goth girl over to my house tonight to get a little freaky.
Oh, goth girl? Well, you should've said that from jump, fool.
Okay, this is what I want you to tell her.
You gonna tell her you have a gang of Tanqueray and some bubonic chronic.
- I am not saying that.
- You tell her hello, are you still there? Yeah, no, no, I'm here.
Um, hey, about tonight, I've got, uh, a gang of Tanqueray and some bubonic chronic.
Good enough for me.
- It worked.
- You damn right it worked.
That's crazy.
It's been a while for you, huh? It's been so long.
All right, all right, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
Ch'ello? Yo, blazer, I am lost, dude.
Okay, all right, all right.
What street are you on? Uh, looks like maple Avenue.
Okay, yes, yes, good, good.
That's perfect.
You're in the right direction.
Just keep heading north, okay? And you're gonna see a line.
And there's gonna be a bunch of real gnar brajes and brajettes dressed like samurai zombies.
You can't miss it.
It's a lot of fun.
All right.
Brajes and were you planning on bringing me my food at any point today? I was.
Um, and The queen's breakfast, a plain bagel with salmon cream cheese.
I said toasted.
Does that does that look toasted to you? No.
Now bring me one that's toasted.
You know, you are worse than Jillian, and she might have Asperger's.
I'm allowed to break your face, Blake.
Can I have my phone back? Oh, Ders, man.
- I'm glad you called, dude.
- Hey.
I was sensing, like, some really weird vibes between us, you know, almost like we weren't friends or something.
- I-I like you, dude.
- Really? 'Cause you didn't give to my Kickstarter, man, and that really bummed me out.
I needed 4 gs to buy Funyuns.
Oh, you had a Kickstarter to buy Funyuns, the company? No, dude, I just wanted to buy Hella Funyuns, man.
- How about the weed, Karl? - Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure.
- There you go, eighth-ola.
- Hey! Good, now listen, that's for free, okay? That's the friend-o price, all right? And since we're friends now, I was wondering if you'd like to go check out a model train show with me tonight.
It'd be cool.
- Tonight? - Yeah, tonight.
I can't.
I'm so sorry.
Any other time, I swear to God, okay? Oh, dude, tomorrow night I'm gonna roast a bowl, and then there's this big hide-and-seek game down at the quarry, man.
You'd love it.
- Let's go check your calendar.
- No, no, no.
The calendar there's nothing on the calendar.
Oh, um, that's my boss! You gotta get out of here! Mr.
Womano, there's a homeless guy.
- I'm taking care of it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, ow! Ow! Is that a zombie? You a zombie? Hey, zombie! Next.
Whoa! Your scabs are so real-looking, dude.
That's dedication.
That is dedication.
Can I touch it? I wanna touch it.
It feels like a puffy corn flake.
Mm-mm.
Nope, does not taste like one.
Tastes like a real scab.
That's cool how they make it taste real too.
Man, technology, you know? Have you seen Benjamin Button? The makeup in that you're lucky.
Toasted, toasted.
I'll give you toasted.
I will give you toasted.
I'm giving her toasted.
Hold up, hold up! I know that's not my salmon-flavored cream cheese - from Noah's.
- What? Oh, uh oh, yeah, yeah.
I guess it is.
But, you know, there's only a little bit left, and Alice wants her bagel, so thank you.
You better give me my goddamn cream cheese before it get violent in here.
Okay, I'm sorry, but I don't need this today.
All right, I am under copious amounts of stress.
All right, Alice is breathing down my neck.
So zip it, all right? I'm warning you, dude! I've been dreaming about this cream cheese all week, and you know I can't have it at the house 'cause Colleen said it's too caloric.
Well, I'm sor Ooh, if you so much as put a knife on anything in that cheese, I'm gonna slap that mustache off that pretty, little mouth.
Do it, dude.
See what happens.
You don't got the guts.
- Do it! - Aah! Okay! All right, all right, don't hit me, okay? I have extremely sensitive cheeks.
Please don't slap me.
Lines suck, dude.
My mom was actually stabbed in the stomach when she was pregnant with me, waiting in line for Riddler's revenge at six flags.
So I have, like, post-traumatic prenatal stress disease.
It's, like, a real thing in my life.
You know what would really chill me out? If I were able to smoke a bowl.
Would you guys be able to help me out with that? Smoke some weed.
I could pay.
I got some cash.
We'll get you high, man.
Don't worry about it.
Why don't we go someplace a little bit more private? More private? Okay.
Wow, you're taking this zombie thing really seriously, aren't you? Hello, Jenny.
You look ravishing.
When are your friends gonna be back with the game? Not for a good while, so That means it's just me and you for a little bit.
I hope you're a panini girl.
I've got some paninis for you, madame.
I'm just kidding.
Where's the weed? The weed is right here.
Let's get silly.
Yeah, it'd be better if you rolled them too because sometimes they get really soggy when I do it.
I got, like, extra kissing juices or something.
I don't know.
- Yeah? - Hey, what's up, best friend? - Man, how's it going? - What are you doing here? Dude, I'm on the bang patrol, baby.
- Did you bang her yet? - Not yet.
No, I haven't.
But thanks for patrolling, I appreciate it.
- I'll see you around.
- What, no no, I brought my guitar just in case you wanted me to "sere-nah-day" you.
I wanna sleep inside of y I don't need your songs, man.
I got Ders-patented love moves, okay? I'll be banging her in about 20 minutes.
- Thank you.
- Dude, that's what's up, man.
That's my guy.
You're gonna fuck this chick.
- Yeah.
- You know that, right? - Yeah, I know it.
- Bang her.
Then are you are gonna need this.
What for? So you can tape yourself while you're banging her, man.
All right, there's nothing more empowering than jerking it to your own butt and balls.
Trust.
It would be kinda cool to see my moves.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's do it.
Just put it in the ceiling vent in my room, all right? Okay.
So, uh, repairman, the vent that's broken in my bedroom is just down that hall and to the left.
Oh, yeah, absolutely, sir, yes.
You are the customer, and I am the repairman.
- Yep.
- My God.
You are gorgeous, and you are so lucky to have such a wonderful man here.
I mean, I meet a lot of guys in my line of business, which clearly is vents.
And, uh, he's the best I've ever met.
He's the best, all right.
He's great, probably great in the sack.
Okay, thank you.
Good luck in there, repairing vents.
The vents have been driving me nuts.
I've got this phlegm-y thing I can't get rid of, but - oh, no.
- But I'm better now.
I'm raring to go.
Ow! Jesus! Whoo! Ooh! This stuff makes me feel strong, dude.
I feel like I could punch through a wall right now.
What kind of weed is this? It's PCP.
PCP.
Wow, very cool.
Check that off the list.
Why don't you just give us all the money? - We'll make this easy.
- Uh Yep.
I'll throw you guys some cash.
- No, no, no, no.
- Can you break a 20? No, all of it and the wallet too.
No, that's not what I that's not what we had agreed to.
I thought we were just buddies smoking some weed, not PCP.
- Give me the money now! - Aah! Ow! Adam? Adam? I left my phone at the off Adam? What the hell? I'm right here, Blake.
I saved your spot while you were in the bathroom.
Marshall Davis? Yeah, man, from Rancho Video And Disc.
I used to hook you up.
Hey, man, thanks for letting me in line.
I mean sorry, excuse me.
I-I had a friend who was saving a spot for me, but I guess he got lost.
Hey, no problem, man.
You know, it's been a while.
We should get together and play some magic.
Oh, dude, I brought my swarm deck.
Yo, you can't cut in line, bitch! Oh.
Oh, no, he he was just in the bathroom.
No, he wasn't, dude.
I was watching the whole time.
You just forfeited your line privileges, bro! - Okay, thank - Excuse me, Chad.
All right, and I'm just assuming that's your name by the way you're dressed, but don't yell at him.
I'm the one who cut in line.
First of all, bro, my name's Devin.
Second of all, that story sucks.
Why don't you guys go to the back of the line now? Okay, sorry, sir.
We'll get to the back of the line.
No, no, no, no.
Wait a second.
This is your spot.
Stand your ground.
Eh, what can you do? It happens.
It does happen, and it's happening, dude.
Back of the line! You too! - Let's go, Gandalf.
- All right, all right.
Yeah, follow the finger.
That's what you get when you mess with Tony Danza's cousin! Devin Danza? God, you do have some kinks and some meaty traps.
I'm done.
Maintenance is all good.
And as we say in the ventilation business, cameras are rolling, man.
All right.
Thank you for your help, Mr.
Vent man.
- No problem.
- Where do you think you're going? Well, his job's done, so he's leaving.
- Yeah.
- Not yet he's not.
Let's take this party to the bedroom.
Yeah, no, I know, I know.
I just it was gonna be us two tonight.
But that's not a party.
This is a party.
Ooh.
And I like parties.
I call first bang.
I want you both to take your shirts off.
- Yeah.
- Um, both of us have to? Both of you.
Oh, God.
Okay, all right.
It's just, you know, 'cause it's cold in here is all, so now I want you two to show me what you would do to me on each other.
Okay, well, I would grab your titty - stop it! - Chill out, man.
It's just a titty, dude.
Male, female, it's all the same, baby, it's skin.
No.
I am not comfortable with this.
Well, you better get comfortable because later I'm gonna make you really comfortable In my pussy.
- Okay, just start here.
- Yep, right here.
So I'ma do this first.
I'm gonna rub it and tantalize it a little bit.
Then I'm gonna grab the other one.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
You got some you got some awesome tits.
Yeah.
This is some B.
S.
I am sick of guys like that walking all over us.
Some people are lords of the pit.
Others, like you and me, Thrulls, born to be sacrificed.
I'm a force of nature, man.
- I'm an avatar of might.
- Well I'ma trample this guy.
Come on.
Dude, how have you not seen my chemical romance live, dude? Excuse me.
The way you were acting earlier was unacceptable.
So unless you wanna see how really super tough I am, I suggest you let us back in line.
Eww.
Or what? - Yeah! - Aah! Ahh! Fine, man, take the spot, whatever.
Yeah! That was awesome.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'm a hero, man.
Feels good.
It feels good.
It feels hood.
There's a zombie apocalypse! - Aah, zombies! - Watch where you're going.
Zombies! I don't take that shit no more.
- Oh, lick it.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Is that what you want? - Like that? - Mm, Ders.
- Ow! Too rough, okay.
Well, dude, I'm sorry.
But you know what? You could be a little rougher.
Fine, tell me how you like this.
- That's it.
- How do you like that? - Does that hurt? - That's what's up.
Okay, now I want you both to take off the rest of your clothes so that I could get involved.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
I have to draw the line.
This is don't.
- Hey.
- Nope, this is happening.
This is happening, bud.
We're doing this.
- I can't do this.
- Okay.
Here, why don't you put my teeny-tiny panties - in your mouth? - Okay, this I like.
You are creative.
Move over, Karl.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Ooh.
But first Oh, yeah, no vision allowed.
Oh, blindfolding me, okay.
Cool.
I want no sight.
Yeah, hiding the senses.
Ow.
This is freakin' kink central right here.
- Feed me, baby.
- I love it.
My panties in your mouth.
Yeah, feed me, baby.
- Open wide.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yum.
- Baby.
Oh, what do they taste like? Butterscotch, baby.
- Let me taste a little bit.
- Mm-mm, no, you wait.
- Come on, let me taste.
- Stop it.
- Come on, man.
- Oh, here we go.
Where's she at? I found her.
Here I am, guys.
- She's right here.
- Marco polo.
Oh, my God.
Marco boner.
- Oh, I'm in.
She's getting a little hot, huh? - I think I found a butt.
- Oh, yeah? Is he touching your butt? 'Cause that's cool, and I like it.
- She's great.
Oh, yeah, you guys, I'm so close.
- You like that? - Oh, she's gonna go.
- She's gonna blast.
- Magic fingers.
If you were hoping to get a copy of the popular video game Code Of Ronin, you're in for a disappointment.
The game's release will be delayed due to a violent brawl, which resulted in one man accidentally stabbed himself with a samurai sword.
What the hell? Oh, my God.
You're munching on my undies, dude.
- Whoa.
- No, no, no, no! Jesus.
I wouldn't have put those in my mouth.
Get away from me.
All right, losers, I'm out of here.
What? You knew the entire time? Yeah, duh, I knew.
I pegged you as smart.
And if you ever call me again, I will upload this to burning camel.
- No! - So what? It wouldn't be my first video.
Bye.
Oh! Oh, my God.
They're soggy, dude.
Jeez, you were working with some kissing juices, man.
- I know.
- That's real.
Oh, my God.
- Yeah! Oh, man.
- Yeah! It felt so good standing up for myself today, man.
I just wish Marshall wouldn't have fell on his sword, that sucked.
PCP, man, one hell of a drug.
Can't feel anything on it.
- Coming at ya.
- Yep.
- Uh-oh.
- Ooh! That one's gonna sting tomorrow, but right now, it feels amazing.
- No way.
- Yes.
Yes, way.
- Yeah, there's blood.
- Yeah.
I'm bleeding? - Yeah, it's through the shirt.
- You know what? I think we should move this to the face.
- Okay, sure.
- Let do I mean, we should be recording this.
Yeah.
You guys had a weird night.
Nothing weird happened here.
- Cool.
- Great.
I thought we were doing my thing.
- Someone's at the door.
You just got saved.
Saved by the knock is what I would call it.
Hey, man, as a friend, I wanted to tell you first.
I banged the darkness, I did.
She was waiting for a cab, and I hit her in the bushes.
No, you didn't.
- Smell, dude.
- I'm not take a whiff.
Aw, damn it! Dude, that smells good.
- Does it? - Yeah.
Those fingers were in my butt, man.
- What? - I got you.
- Come on, man! Dude! - I got you, dude! I didn't actually "f" her.
So what's, uh What's on the menu tonight?