All In The Family s03e20 Episode Script
Archie is Branded
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Edith, you got the coffee made out there? EDITH: Yeah, Archie.
Did you bring in the Sunday paper? No, not yet.
She knows it's out there.
She leaves it there.
Well, what are you going to do? You can't teach an old dingbat new tricks.
Edith! I'm sorry I'm late, Archie.
Here's your breakfast.
Never mind the breakfast.
Come over here and take a look at the front door.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my.
Who did that? I wouldn't know, Edith.
The artist didn't sign it.
I'm calling the cops.
Oh, yeah, call the cops.
That's a good idea.
Calling the cops? What's going on? Look at the door.
Yeah? You meathead.
Open the door and look on the outside.
You didn't tell me to open the door.
All you said was "Look at the door.
" You didn't say, "Open the door and look at it from the outside.
" All you said was "Look at the door.
" Open the damn door and look at the outside of it! All right.
You didn't say, "Open the door.
" Open it! A swastika.
Hey, Gloria, did you see this? What? Oh, Michael, who could have done that? Probably the same crummy kids that busted the street lamp last week.
I wonder if they did it to other houses.
I'll look.
Who cares? I know they done it to my house.
And they ain't getting away with it.
I'm calling the cops.
Hello.
Hello.
Is this--? Huh? How do you like this? I call the cops, I get a recorded announcement here.
"The lines are all busy.
"Do not hang up the phone.
Your call will be answered when the lines are clear.
" The lines would be clear if they wasn't playing records.
Michael Michael, did they paint any of the other doors on the block? No, just this house.
Why do kids do things like that? Gloria, I don't think it's kids.
There's a lot of fanatics running around loose these days.
Who cares? Whoever done it, I'm going to get them for it, that's all.
Now, here, you stay on the blower till the cops answer.
All right.
What about you, little girl? You hear anything last night when you were sleeping? The cops are going to want to know that when they get here.
No, Daddy, all I heard was your alarm clock when it went off this morning.
And that's another thing.
Why did the alarm clock go off on a Sunday morning? Huh? I was out of bed and halfway to the toilet before I remembered I didn't have to get up.
I'm sorry, Archie, but I wanted to get up and put a cake in the oven for Louise Jefferson.
It's her anniversary tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Well, why are you rigging the alarm for today? Well, I figured if the cake didn't turn out good today, I'd have another chance at it tomorrow.
Oh.
Why do I ask her anything? Hey, Arch, I got the police.
All right, give me the phone.
Hold on a second.
Give me the phone there.
Hello, the police.
Yeah, this is Archie Bunker, I've got a complaint.
Last night, sometime during the night, someone come around here and paint a swastika on my front door.
Swastika.
Swas-ti-ka.
You know, one of them German things from World War II.
Yeah, well, can you come over? All right, good.
That's all I want.
Yeah, thanks very much.
All right, we'll get to the bottom of this.
The cops are going to come over and have a little investigation here.
Oh, I better get something to wipe that off the door.
No, no! What do you want to wipe it off the door for? I want it on the door.
I want the cops to see that.
That is evidence.
Catch on? Yeah, but, Daddy, in the meantime everyone else can see it.
Good thinking, little girl.
All right, we'll fix it so nobody else sees it till the cops get here.
I'm going to cover that thing up.
EDITH: With what, Archie? Oh, wait till you see, Edith.
I'm going to cover that thing up with Old Glory here.
This put the kibosh on the Nazis once before.
It's going to do it again.
Get the thumbtacks.
Oh, why don't you stick it up with tape, Archie? Thumbtacks, huh, Edith? Tape would be better.
Why would tape be better? Because I know where the tape is.
Will somebody get the thumbtacks? All right, Daddy.
Would you calm down? Jeez, I know where the thumbtacks are.
ARCHIE: Hurry up.
Oh, it's the tape.
Bring me the tape.
The tape, the tape.
Come on, put it up here.
I wonder why they call it a swastika.
Why they call it a swastika? Look at the damn thing.
EDITH: Yeah? Well, what the hell else would you call it? Archie, did you drop something? There's a piece of paper out here.
Huh? It's a note.
Huh? "This swastika is just the beginning.
We'll be back.
" Give me that.
I'll read that.
"This swastika is just the beginning.
We'll be back.
" What is this? You still think that's a bunch of kids? Michael, I'm scared.
What if they try something else? It's like burning a cross outside a black person's home.
Sometimes they follow it up with a bomb.
Aw, cut that out! In the first place, this ain't a black person's house.
Arch, why would they just pick our house, huh? Well, listen, maybe because of you, because you live here.
That's crazy.
It ain't so crazy.
You're always mixed up in them things where you're carrying signs around.
Maybe somebody's here to pin a sign on you.
What are you talking about? Oh, no, Archie, I don't think that could be right.
Thanks, Ma.
I don't think anybody cares what Mike does.
Thanks, Ma.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.
I didn't mean it that way.
This guy, and everybody knows it, is always putting this country down.
As far as he's concerned, nothing is right unless it's left.
Hey, hey, I happen to believe in this country more than you do.
What was that? That's right.
Because I believe it's strong enough to accept some changes.
Well, it ain't gonna accept communism, buddy.
Who's talking about communism? I'm talking about civil rights.
That's communism.
You know something? Your thinking is really Neanderthal.
Listen, you gonna talk to me, talk American or clam up.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Clam up anyhow.
Get away from there.
Get away from there.
I'll answer the door.
Go on, little girl.
You just sit down and have your breakfast.
I'll talk to the cops.
Oh, Munson, come on in.
Hey, Arch.
EDITH: Hello, Mr.
Munson.
Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
Hey, Arch, what's with the flag on the door? This ain't the Fourth of July.
I know it ain't the Fourth of July.
I don't have to wait for the Fourth of July to hang Old Glory out there, show my country I love her.
And it looks better than a swastika.
Your cake is burning in the kitchen.
Get out of here.
Oh, my.
Arch-- No, no, no.
Don't pay no attention to Edith.
You gonna let me drive your cab tonight? That's what I came for.
I was gonna give you the keys.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hey, mister, you know you got your flag hung up wrong? Listen, boy scout, you're talking to a veteran of World War II.
This is the way we used to hang the flag under fire.
You were doing it wrong.
The stars are supposed to go in the other corner.
Want me to hang it the right way for you? Uh, yeah, yeah, all right.
You can do that.
But listen, no tip or it ain't a good deed.
Keys? Hey, mister, you know you got a swastika on your door? Aw, jeez, give me the flag, kid.
Get lost, now! What's a swastika doing on your door? How do I know? It ain't got nothing to do with me.
I don't like the looks of this.
Somebody's got you marked out for something.
Nobody's got me marked out for nothing there, Munson.
It's just that somebody's sore at the meathead here.
Come on, quit it, will you? Michael hasn't done anything.
Arch, I don't think you better take the cab out tonight.
Why not? Well, if somebody's after your son-in-law, well, you ain't safe either.
I certainly am safe.
You know what follows those things up on the door.
The next thing you know, when you ain't looking, they'll plant a bomb in the cab.
You get in, start it, and kaboom! What do you mean, "kaboom"? I wouldn't want that to happen.
Don't worry about me.
I can't afford to lose that cab.
It's all right, Archie.
The cake ain't burned.
It'll be done in a little while.
Ain't that good news? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Do something useful.
Answer the bell.
Munson, you come in here, you get my family all excited I want to drive tonight.
MUNSON: No way.
No way, Arch.
Oh! Special delivery for Bunker.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, say, lady, you know you got a swastika on your door? Yeah.
Thank you.
ARCHIE: Come on, Munson, give me the keys.
I want to drive tonight.
No way.
No way, Arch.
I'll be seeing you.
EDITH: Goodbye, Mr.
Munson.
Goodbye, Mrs.
Bunker.
Archie, look what came for you.
Oh, what? A package, special delivery.
Can you believe that Munson? Hey, wait a second.
[TICKING.]
That package is ticking.
Huh? What? Listen.
Huh? It is ticking! The package is ticking! [SHRIEKING.]
Shut up! Let me listen to this thing.
[TICKING.]
It's ticking.
It's a bomb! Throw it away! No, no, no! Don't touch it! Don't touch it! Put it in water! Throw it in the toilet.
No, not the toilet.
Throw it in the sink.
Put it in the sink.
Put it in the sink! Put it in the sink! Get out the back door! Out the back door! Damn it, I hate this! [ALL SHOUTING.]
Out the back door! Out the back door! Let me out the door! I think we're all right here.
I don't hear it ticking no more.
Yeah.
You go give them the all-clear.
All right.
Gloria, Ma, come on in.
It's all right.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Come on, Gloria.
The house almost exploded and nobody even ran to save my wedding pictures.
Hey wait a second.
Huh? [FASTER TICKING.]
It's still ticking.
[SHRIEKING.]
Shut up, will you?! Let me listen to this thing.
[FAST TICKING CONTINUES.]
Wait a minute.
This thing ain't ticking at all here.
You run us out of our own home with your rotten lousy kitchen timer.
[TIMER DINGS.]
My cake is done.
Oh, didn't it come out nice? Yeah, Edith, just beautiful, but you know, we got a special delivery package over there in the sink.
I don't know what's in it, but it'd better be rubber goods, because it's underwater.
Oh! I think it's soaked through.
I wouldn't be surprised, Edith.
Here's a note.
It's from Cousin Amelia.
"Russ has given up smoking, so he's sending Archie these cigars.
" Oh! Oh! Cigars? Get away from that sink! Oh! Oh! "Russell says to be sure "you keep them in a humidor "because they spoil if you let them get dry.
" These ain't gonna be dry for a hell of a long time.
Edith All I can say is, I ain't a happy man.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I bet that's the police.
I'll get that, I'll get that.
Stay away from that bell there.
Why? If that's the cops, I don't want them talking to you.
Why not? Because you're the one that started this whole thing.
I'll talk to the cops.
Yeah? Sure did a job on you, didn't they? We got our work cut out for us with this bunch.
You don't look like no cop to me.
Good reason for that.
I ain't a cop.
Well, what do you want, then? I got a solution to your problem.
Can I come in? You're already in.
I want to warn you, though, I wouldn't leave my car parked out there long if I was you.
The cops put a $25 summons on it.
It's okay.
And if this is some salesman's gag to get into the house, I tell you right now, we don't need magazines.
But you need protection.
Is that anything like Cosmopolitan? Stifle yourself.
Hey, that's terrific.
Funny lady.
Is she your wife? Yeah, my wife, my son-in-law over there, my daughter over there.
Who are you? The name is Benjamin.
Benjamin what? No, no, it's Paul Benjamin.
It's one of those names that works both ways.
you know, like James Stewart, Dean Martin Pope John.
Will you stifle yourself? And sit down in that chair! She's a funny lady.
I never laugh at her.
Mr.
Benjamin, you say you came to help us about the swastika? Right.
Like I said, we're going to make sure that you get protection.
Here, let me get this door.
What are you doing? Protecting you.
Protecting me? I mean, what for? After all, I don't even know you.
That's the way it's always been with our people.
We got to look after each other.
Right, bubbe? "Bubbe"? You know something? I never would've guessed it in a million years.
You sure don't look Jewish.
Well there's a very good reason for that.
I ain't Jewish.
Ah, you're a convert.
No! I don't get this.
What are you afraid of? I ain't afraid of nothing.
Hey, listen, don't worry about the guys that painted that thing on your door.
You're not alone.
I'm here now.
You're with one of your own.
You know what I mean? I ain't one of your own.
I'm one of my own.
If that's the way you want to play it, Mr.
Bloom, it's fine with me, but-- Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Why are you calling me "Bloom"? You mean you changed your name too? No! Mr.
Benjamin, I think you got the wrong house.
There's no Bloom here.
This is Archie Bunker.
Archie Bunker.
And I can testify that he is not now, nor has he ever been, a member of the Jewish faith.
At no time.
Then why did the goons who painted your door mistake this place for David Bloom's place? You mean the David Bloom that's on the school board? Oh, he lives up at the end of the block, at number 740.
Our house is number 704.
Oh, that Bloom.
That's that bigmouth liberal who's always trying to run for the city council.
Oh, I get it now.
This here swastika belongs to Bloom.
Oh.
Well, jeez.
I feel a lot better about that.
It makes you feel better? Arch, a man is being threatened.
When he talks, never listen.
Now, Paulie, I want to show you where Bloom lives, right up at this house at the end of the corner.
You'd better go up there.
Where the hell are you going? Wait.
Hold it a minute, now.
You know that swastika was meant for Bloom, and I know that swastika was meant for Bloom, but they think it was meant for you.
"They"? Who's "they"? The creeps that painted your door.
They still think this is David Bloom's place, so we got to be ready for them right here.
And who's "we"? You keep saying that.
Yeah.
Who's "we"? The H.
D.
A.
Oh, boy, that's the Hebrew Defense Association.
ARCHIE: Huh? Arch, that's a strong-arm outfit.
It's a vigilante group.
Hold it.
Vigilante sounds good to me.
That could be something good there.
Wait a minute.
What do you guys do? What they do.
If they use force, we use force.
Good.
Yeah, but violence won't help.
Wouldn't hurt.
Michael's right.
Just because some people do some terrible things to other people doesn't give you the right to do the same thing.
That's just revenge.
What's the matter with revenge? It's the perfect way to get even.
You're catching on, bubbe.
Why don't you catch on? Any thinking person has gone past the idea of revenge a long time ago.
Any thinking person knows that Homo sapiens is a killer.
Homo sapiens? Is he an Arab? No, Edith.
Homo sapiens, that's a killer fag.
Arch Homo sapiens is man, and man invented the law to protect himself.
Law? Law? What law? What are you talking about? A law that lets a gang of thugs get away with painting swastikas on doors, huh? Or killing innocent hostages? That lets them kill off one religion in-- in the name of another religion? Look.
That's your law.
Yeah, that's right.
Listen, if some guy, Meathead, runs around doing damage to some other guy, the only decent thing to do is knock him off, and if you can't do that by yourself, the best thing to do is bring back the old death penalty.
I don't believe what you're saying, Arch! Don't you see that makes murderers out of all of us? I don't want to murder anybody, and I don't want the state doing it in my name! Ah, go eat a marshmallow.
What are you, some kind of saint? Look, all I'm saying is I know the guys that did that, and if it comes to killing, hey, better them than my bubbe here.
Hey That's some straight thinking there, Paul.
Straight thinking?! Arch, if this guy's lips wasn't moving, I'd swear those were your words coming out of his mouth.
That's right, because this guy's making sense.
Thanks.
Don't mention it there, bubbe.
Mr.
Benjamin, hasn't there been enough fighting? I mean, isn't it time that people sat down and talked their problems over with one another? No, no, no.
We've had it with that.
Up to here we've had it.
No more talk! You can't talk to bullets.
Oh, what's the use? When will people understand? Careful, you'll hurt yourself.
Yeah, it's an awful shot in the head you give yourself there.
I'll tell you, better this kind of shot in the head than this kind.
You ain't kidding.
You're right, and that's what me and my boys are here to prevent.
ARCHIE: You got some boys with you? They'll be here in a few minutes.
Daddy, Daddy, I'm scared of this man.
Would you please ask him to leave? What are you talking about, ask him to leave? Some bum comes and paints a swastika on my door.
Paul is only here just to get even with them, that's all.
Tit for tat, right? Yeah, well, we call it "An eye for an eye," but it's the same thing.
Whatever happened to "Turn the other cheek"? You can't do that no more.
He's right.
He's not right.
You stick to your Testament, and I'll stick to mine.
Fine, fine.
Doesn't your Testament say something about loving thy neighbor? All right, all right.
Look, say you're walking down the street with your wife here, and some creep comes up and jumps her.
What are you going to do? Love him or break his head open? Well, I'd probably break his head open, but that's not a fair example, because I'd be acting out of a reflex response.
What you're talking about is a cold-blooded plan.
Don't you see that's how violence spreads? What are you going to do? Just smile and let them keep hijacking and assassinating and sending their letter bombs? That's okay, huh? No.
Them things is very, very wrong.
Answer me.
Ain't them terrible things? Of course they're terrible, Arch, the same way it's terrible for us to be sending bombs by air mail.
We ain't never done that.
We sure have, Arch, addressed to women and children in Vietnam.
We don't bomb them women and children on purpose.
Oh, I'm sure they'll be happy to know that, Daddy.
You stay out of this over there.
That's one of them ordinary, what do you call, "tradegies" of war, that's all.
Jeez, you can't fight a war without that.
What we used to call, uh, "C'est la gwerr-ee.
" You're right again, bubbe, and this is war.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
It's okay.
It's one of my men.
Hey, Jerry, what's up? This is the wrong house.
I know that, but they don't.
They do now.
We just got word they're on their way to Bloom's.
We'll be ready for them.
Why don't you go on ahead and I'll drive up and meet you? Right.
Well, I guess you folks are off the hook.
So long, everybody.
So long there, bubbe.
EDITH: Bye.
You too, friend.
I don't agree with what you say, but I like your chutzpah.
You know something? One of these days, you're going to find out that this is the only answer, right there.
Well, I still think you're wrong, because this only gets you this.
Okay, friend, you keep talking and I'll do what I have to do.
Shalom.
"Shalom"? What does that mean? Believe it or not, Ma, it means "peace.
" Jewish people also use it to say hello or goodbye.
Well, how do you know which one they mean? Why don't you use your common sense, Edith? If a Jew is coming at you, it means "hello.
" If he's going the other way, it means "goodbye.
" But when does it mean "peace"? Ah, Edith, in between hello and goodbye.
[LOUD EXPLOSION.]
Holy jeez.
That's Paul.
They blew him up in his car.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Did you bring in the Sunday paper? No, not yet.
She knows it's out there.
She leaves it there.
Well, what are you going to do? You can't teach an old dingbat new tricks.
Edith! I'm sorry I'm late, Archie.
Here's your breakfast.
Never mind the breakfast.
Come over here and take a look at the front door.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my.
Who did that? I wouldn't know, Edith.
The artist didn't sign it.
I'm calling the cops.
Oh, yeah, call the cops.
That's a good idea.
Calling the cops? What's going on? Look at the door.
Yeah? You meathead.
Open the door and look on the outside.
You didn't tell me to open the door.
All you said was "Look at the door.
" You didn't say, "Open the door and look at it from the outside.
" All you said was "Look at the door.
" Open the damn door and look at the outside of it! All right.
You didn't say, "Open the door.
" Open it! A swastika.
Hey, Gloria, did you see this? What? Oh, Michael, who could have done that? Probably the same crummy kids that busted the street lamp last week.
I wonder if they did it to other houses.
I'll look.
Who cares? I know they done it to my house.
And they ain't getting away with it.
I'm calling the cops.
Hello.
Hello.
Is this--? Huh? How do you like this? I call the cops, I get a recorded announcement here.
"The lines are all busy.
"Do not hang up the phone.
Your call will be answered when the lines are clear.
" The lines would be clear if they wasn't playing records.
Michael Michael, did they paint any of the other doors on the block? No, just this house.
Why do kids do things like that? Gloria, I don't think it's kids.
There's a lot of fanatics running around loose these days.
Who cares? Whoever done it, I'm going to get them for it, that's all.
Now, here, you stay on the blower till the cops answer.
All right.
What about you, little girl? You hear anything last night when you were sleeping? The cops are going to want to know that when they get here.
No, Daddy, all I heard was your alarm clock when it went off this morning.
And that's another thing.
Why did the alarm clock go off on a Sunday morning? Huh? I was out of bed and halfway to the toilet before I remembered I didn't have to get up.
I'm sorry, Archie, but I wanted to get up and put a cake in the oven for Louise Jefferson.
It's her anniversary tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Well, why are you rigging the alarm for today? Well, I figured if the cake didn't turn out good today, I'd have another chance at it tomorrow.
Oh.
Why do I ask her anything? Hey, Arch, I got the police.
All right, give me the phone.
Hold on a second.
Give me the phone there.
Hello, the police.
Yeah, this is Archie Bunker, I've got a complaint.
Last night, sometime during the night, someone come around here and paint a swastika on my front door.
Swastika.
Swas-ti-ka.
You know, one of them German things from World War II.
Yeah, well, can you come over? All right, good.
That's all I want.
Yeah, thanks very much.
All right, we'll get to the bottom of this.
The cops are going to come over and have a little investigation here.
Oh, I better get something to wipe that off the door.
No, no! What do you want to wipe it off the door for? I want it on the door.
I want the cops to see that.
That is evidence.
Catch on? Yeah, but, Daddy, in the meantime everyone else can see it.
Good thinking, little girl.
All right, we'll fix it so nobody else sees it till the cops get here.
I'm going to cover that thing up.
EDITH: With what, Archie? Oh, wait till you see, Edith.
I'm going to cover that thing up with Old Glory here.
This put the kibosh on the Nazis once before.
It's going to do it again.
Get the thumbtacks.
Oh, why don't you stick it up with tape, Archie? Thumbtacks, huh, Edith? Tape would be better.
Why would tape be better? Because I know where the tape is.
Will somebody get the thumbtacks? All right, Daddy.
Would you calm down? Jeez, I know where the thumbtacks are.
ARCHIE: Hurry up.
Oh, it's the tape.
Bring me the tape.
The tape, the tape.
Come on, put it up here.
I wonder why they call it a swastika.
Why they call it a swastika? Look at the damn thing.
EDITH: Yeah? Well, what the hell else would you call it? Archie, did you drop something? There's a piece of paper out here.
Huh? It's a note.
Huh? "This swastika is just the beginning.
We'll be back.
" Give me that.
I'll read that.
"This swastika is just the beginning.
We'll be back.
" What is this? You still think that's a bunch of kids? Michael, I'm scared.
What if they try something else? It's like burning a cross outside a black person's home.
Sometimes they follow it up with a bomb.
Aw, cut that out! In the first place, this ain't a black person's house.
Arch, why would they just pick our house, huh? Well, listen, maybe because of you, because you live here.
That's crazy.
It ain't so crazy.
You're always mixed up in them things where you're carrying signs around.
Maybe somebody's here to pin a sign on you.
What are you talking about? Oh, no, Archie, I don't think that could be right.
Thanks, Ma.
I don't think anybody cares what Mike does.
Thanks, Ma.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.
I didn't mean it that way.
This guy, and everybody knows it, is always putting this country down.
As far as he's concerned, nothing is right unless it's left.
Hey, hey, I happen to believe in this country more than you do.
What was that? That's right.
Because I believe it's strong enough to accept some changes.
Well, it ain't gonna accept communism, buddy.
Who's talking about communism? I'm talking about civil rights.
That's communism.
You know something? Your thinking is really Neanderthal.
Listen, you gonna talk to me, talk American or clam up.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Clam up anyhow.
Get away from there.
Get away from there.
I'll answer the door.
Go on, little girl.
You just sit down and have your breakfast.
I'll talk to the cops.
Oh, Munson, come on in.
Hey, Arch.
EDITH: Hello, Mr.
Munson.
Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
Hey, Arch, what's with the flag on the door? This ain't the Fourth of July.
I know it ain't the Fourth of July.
I don't have to wait for the Fourth of July to hang Old Glory out there, show my country I love her.
And it looks better than a swastika.
Your cake is burning in the kitchen.
Get out of here.
Oh, my.
Arch-- No, no, no.
Don't pay no attention to Edith.
You gonna let me drive your cab tonight? That's what I came for.
I was gonna give you the keys.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hey, mister, you know you got your flag hung up wrong? Listen, boy scout, you're talking to a veteran of World War II.
This is the way we used to hang the flag under fire.
You were doing it wrong.
The stars are supposed to go in the other corner.
Want me to hang it the right way for you? Uh, yeah, yeah, all right.
You can do that.
But listen, no tip or it ain't a good deed.
Keys? Hey, mister, you know you got a swastika on your door? Aw, jeez, give me the flag, kid.
Get lost, now! What's a swastika doing on your door? How do I know? It ain't got nothing to do with me.
I don't like the looks of this.
Somebody's got you marked out for something.
Nobody's got me marked out for nothing there, Munson.
It's just that somebody's sore at the meathead here.
Come on, quit it, will you? Michael hasn't done anything.
Arch, I don't think you better take the cab out tonight.
Why not? Well, if somebody's after your son-in-law, well, you ain't safe either.
I certainly am safe.
You know what follows those things up on the door.
The next thing you know, when you ain't looking, they'll plant a bomb in the cab.
You get in, start it, and kaboom! What do you mean, "kaboom"? I wouldn't want that to happen.
Don't worry about me.
I can't afford to lose that cab.
It's all right, Archie.
The cake ain't burned.
It'll be done in a little while.
Ain't that good news? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Do something useful.
Answer the bell.
Munson, you come in here, you get my family all excited I want to drive tonight.
MUNSON: No way.
No way, Arch.
Oh! Special delivery for Bunker.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, say, lady, you know you got a swastika on your door? Yeah.
Thank you.
ARCHIE: Come on, Munson, give me the keys.
I want to drive tonight.
No way.
No way, Arch.
I'll be seeing you.
EDITH: Goodbye, Mr.
Munson.
Goodbye, Mrs.
Bunker.
Archie, look what came for you.
Oh, what? A package, special delivery.
Can you believe that Munson? Hey, wait a second.
[TICKING.]
That package is ticking.
Huh? What? Listen.
Huh? It is ticking! The package is ticking! [SHRIEKING.]
Shut up! Let me listen to this thing.
[TICKING.]
It's ticking.
It's a bomb! Throw it away! No, no, no! Don't touch it! Don't touch it! Put it in water! Throw it in the toilet.
No, not the toilet.
Throw it in the sink.
Put it in the sink.
Put it in the sink! Put it in the sink! Get out the back door! Out the back door! Damn it, I hate this! [ALL SHOUTING.]
Out the back door! Out the back door! Let me out the door! I think we're all right here.
I don't hear it ticking no more.
Yeah.
You go give them the all-clear.
All right.
Gloria, Ma, come on in.
It's all right.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Come on, Gloria.
The house almost exploded and nobody even ran to save my wedding pictures.
Hey wait a second.
Huh? [FASTER TICKING.]
It's still ticking.
[SHRIEKING.]
Shut up, will you?! Let me listen to this thing.
[FAST TICKING CONTINUES.]
Wait a minute.
This thing ain't ticking at all here.
You run us out of our own home with your rotten lousy kitchen timer.
[TIMER DINGS.]
My cake is done.
Oh, didn't it come out nice? Yeah, Edith, just beautiful, but you know, we got a special delivery package over there in the sink.
I don't know what's in it, but it'd better be rubber goods, because it's underwater.
Oh! I think it's soaked through.
I wouldn't be surprised, Edith.
Here's a note.
It's from Cousin Amelia.
"Russ has given up smoking, so he's sending Archie these cigars.
" Oh! Oh! Cigars? Get away from that sink! Oh! Oh! "Russell says to be sure "you keep them in a humidor "because they spoil if you let them get dry.
" These ain't gonna be dry for a hell of a long time.
Edith All I can say is, I ain't a happy man.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I bet that's the police.
I'll get that, I'll get that.
Stay away from that bell there.
Why? If that's the cops, I don't want them talking to you.
Why not? Because you're the one that started this whole thing.
I'll talk to the cops.
Yeah? Sure did a job on you, didn't they? We got our work cut out for us with this bunch.
You don't look like no cop to me.
Good reason for that.
I ain't a cop.
Well, what do you want, then? I got a solution to your problem.
Can I come in? You're already in.
I want to warn you, though, I wouldn't leave my car parked out there long if I was you.
The cops put a $25 summons on it.
It's okay.
And if this is some salesman's gag to get into the house, I tell you right now, we don't need magazines.
But you need protection.
Is that anything like Cosmopolitan? Stifle yourself.
Hey, that's terrific.
Funny lady.
Is she your wife? Yeah, my wife, my son-in-law over there, my daughter over there.
Who are you? The name is Benjamin.
Benjamin what? No, no, it's Paul Benjamin.
It's one of those names that works both ways.
you know, like James Stewart, Dean Martin Pope John.
Will you stifle yourself? And sit down in that chair! She's a funny lady.
I never laugh at her.
Mr.
Benjamin, you say you came to help us about the swastika? Right.
Like I said, we're going to make sure that you get protection.
Here, let me get this door.
What are you doing? Protecting you.
Protecting me? I mean, what for? After all, I don't even know you.
That's the way it's always been with our people.
We got to look after each other.
Right, bubbe? "Bubbe"? You know something? I never would've guessed it in a million years.
You sure don't look Jewish.
Well there's a very good reason for that.
I ain't Jewish.
Ah, you're a convert.
No! I don't get this.
What are you afraid of? I ain't afraid of nothing.
Hey, listen, don't worry about the guys that painted that thing on your door.
You're not alone.
I'm here now.
You're with one of your own.
You know what I mean? I ain't one of your own.
I'm one of my own.
If that's the way you want to play it, Mr.
Bloom, it's fine with me, but-- Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Why are you calling me "Bloom"? You mean you changed your name too? No! Mr.
Benjamin, I think you got the wrong house.
There's no Bloom here.
This is Archie Bunker.
Archie Bunker.
And I can testify that he is not now, nor has he ever been, a member of the Jewish faith.
At no time.
Then why did the goons who painted your door mistake this place for David Bloom's place? You mean the David Bloom that's on the school board? Oh, he lives up at the end of the block, at number 740.
Our house is number 704.
Oh, that Bloom.
That's that bigmouth liberal who's always trying to run for the city council.
Oh, I get it now.
This here swastika belongs to Bloom.
Oh.
Well, jeez.
I feel a lot better about that.
It makes you feel better? Arch, a man is being threatened.
When he talks, never listen.
Now, Paulie, I want to show you where Bloom lives, right up at this house at the end of the corner.
You'd better go up there.
Where the hell are you going? Wait.
Hold it a minute, now.
You know that swastika was meant for Bloom, and I know that swastika was meant for Bloom, but they think it was meant for you.
"They"? Who's "they"? The creeps that painted your door.
They still think this is David Bloom's place, so we got to be ready for them right here.
And who's "we"? You keep saying that.
Yeah.
Who's "we"? The H.
D.
A.
Oh, boy, that's the Hebrew Defense Association.
ARCHIE: Huh? Arch, that's a strong-arm outfit.
It's a vigilante group.
Hold it.
Vigilante sounds good to me.
That could be something good there.
Wait a minute.
What do you guys do? What they do.
If they use force, we use force.
Good.
Yeah, but violence won't help.
Wouldn't hurt.
Michael's right.
Just because some people do some terrible things to other people doesn't give you the right to do the same thing.
That's just revenge.
What's the matter with revenge? It's the perfect way to get even.
You're catching on, bubbe.
Why don't you catch on? Any thinking person has gone past the idea of revenge a long time ago.
Any thinking person knows that Homo sapiens is a killer.
Homo sapiens? Is he an Arab? No, Edith.
Homo sapiens, that's a killer fag.
Arch Homo sapiens is man, and man invented the law to protect himself.
Law? Law? What law? What are you talking about? A law that lets a gang of thugs get away with painting swastikas on doors, huh? Or killing innocent hostages? That lets them kill off one religion in-- in the name of another religion? Look.
That's your law.
Yeah, that's right.
Listen, if some guy, Meathead, runs around doing damage to some other guy, the only decent thing to do is knock him off, and if you can't do that by yourself, the best thing to do is bring back the old death penalty.
I don't believe what you're saying, Arch! Don't you see that makes murderers out of all of us? I don't want to murder anybody, and I don't want the state doing it in my name! Ah, go eat a marshmallow.
What are you, some kind of saint? Look, all I'm saying is I know the guys that did that, and if it comes to killing, hey, better them than my bubbe here.
Hey That's some straight thinking there, Paul.
Straight thinking?! Arch, if this guy's lips wasn't moving, I'd swear those were your words coming out of his mouth.
That's right, because this guy's making sense.
Thanks.
Don't mention it there, bubbe.
Mr.
Benjamin, hasn't there been enough fighting? I mean, isn't it time that people sat down and talked their problems over with one another? No, no, no.
We've had it with that.
Up to here we've had it.
No more talk! You can't talk to bullets.
Oh, what's the use? When will people understand? Careful, you'll hurt yourself.
Yeah, it's an awful shot in the head you give yourself there.
I'll tell you, better this kind of shot in the head than this kind.
You ain't kidding.
You're right, and that's what me and my boys are here to prevent.
ARCHIE: You got some boys with you? They'll be here in a few minutes.
Daddy, Daddy, I'm scared of this man.
Would you please ask him to leave? What are you talking about, ask him to leave? Some bum comes and paints a swastika on my door.
Paul is only here just to get even with them, that's all.
Tit for tat, right? Yeah, well, we call it "An eye for an eye," but it's the same thing.
Whatever happened to "Turn the other cheek"? You can't do that no more.
He's right.
He's not right.
You stick to your Testament, and I'll stick to mine.
Fine, fine.
Doesn't your Testament say something about loving thy neighbor? All right, all right.
Look, say you're walking down the street with your wife here, and some creep comes up and jumps her.
What are you going to do? Love him or break his head open? Well, I'd probably break his head open, but that's not a fair example, because I'd be acting out of a reflex response.
What you're talking about is a cold-blooded plan.
Don't you see that's how violence spreads? What are you going to do? Just smile and let them keep hijacking and assassinating and sending their letter bombs? That's okay, huh? No.
Them things is very, very wrong.
Answer me.
Ain't them terrible things? Of course they're terrible, Arch, the same way it's terrible for us to be sending bombs by air mail.
We ain't never done that.
We sure have, Arch, addressed to women and children in Vietnam.
We don't bomb them women and children on purpose.
Oh, I'm sure they'll be happy to know that, Daddy.
You stay out of this over there.
That's one of them ordinary, what do you call, "tradegies" of war, that's all.
Jeez, you can't fight a war without that.
What we used to call, uh, "C'est la gwerr-ee.
" You're right again, bubbe, and this is war.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
It's okay.
It's one of my men.
Hey, Jerry, what's up? This is the wrong house.
I know that, but they don't.
They do now.
We just got word they're on their way to Bloom's.
We'll be ready for them.
Why don't you go on ahead and I'll drive up and meet you? Right.
Well, I guess you folks are off the hook.
So long, everybody.
So long there, bubbe.
EDITH: Bye.
You too, friend.
I don't agree with what you say, but I like your chutzpah.
You know something? One of these days, you're going to find out that this is the only answer, right there.
Well, I still think you're wrong, because this only gets you this.
Okay, friend, you keep talking and I'll do what I have to do.
Shalom.
"Shalom"? What does that mean? Believe it or not, Ma, it means "peace.
" Jewish people also use it to say hello or goodbye.
Well, how do you know which one they mean? Why don't you use your common sense, Edith? If a Jew is coming at you, it means "hello.
" If he's going the other way, it means "goodbye.
" But when does it mean "peace"? Ah, Edith, in between hello and goodbye.
[LOUD EXPLOSION.]
Holy jeez.
That's Paul.
They blew him up in his car.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.