American Housewife (2016) s03e20 Episode Script

1 Packed your favorite strawberries.
Mom, strawberries aren't my favorite fruit anymore.
Since when? Since I had the pleasure of tasting a tangelo.
Now my top five fruits are, in order, tangelos, guava, tomatoes they're a fruit, Google it kiwi, and pluots.
Got to love Westport.
The closest I got to fresh fruit as a kid was wild cherry cough drops.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
KATIE: Oh, no! Principal Ablin's gonna ask me to chaperone another one of Anna-Kat's class field trips! [SLOW-MOTION.]
Katie, I need to speak to you about the field trip tomorrow.
I got to come up with an excuse.
What have I used in the past? I've done root canal.
I've done malaria twice.
I had my hip replaced at a very young age.
[GASPS.]
Wait.
I actually have a legitimate excuse for not going on the field trip! Katie, I was wondering if you w I can't chaperone the field trip! I have a job! Ha! In your face! Why is it in my face? I don't know.
You figure it out.
You're the educator.
[SIGHS.]
Long day at work? Long month at work.
I have been working overtime planning the Founder's Day Fair.
- What's that? - It is the fair in three weeks that celebrates the founding fathers of Westport.
All I know is, I ordered a gluten-free funnel cake today, and part of me died.
I could really use a big-time pony play session with you right now.
Okay.
Choose your filly.
Where's Sir Sparkles? He died last month saving Sassy Sadie from drowning in the toilet.
I begged him to learn how to swim.
I don't recognize most of these ponies.
I've gotten a lot of new ones lately.
Here's my favorite Major Cuddles! Major isn't just his rank, but also how I describe his hugs, because even though he's military, he's not emotionally distant.
Anna-Kat, I'm sorry that I've been working nights and weekends and haven't been able to play with you as much.
It's okay, Mom.
I know you're busy.
I actually don't expect you to be around, so I just assume you won't be.
And the new number-one thing a mother never wants to hear is what Anna-Kat just said.
Till Oliver says, "We're putting you in a home.
No cable.
" Did you know Sir Sparkles died? Oh, yeah.
That was a rough one.
He didn't have a will.
His colts are still fighting over his estate.
I used to know everything going on with her.
I feel so disconnected.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I bet you know all the pony names.
Of course I do.
I'm a good parent.
married to another good parent.
Mm-hmm.
So, here we are two good parents.
I'm just having a hard time with the work/life balance thing.
Look, we're lucky I can adjust my schedule and work out of the house more and be with the kids.
When one of us is busy, the other can pick up the slack.
We're a team.
I know, but I still feel bad.
Anna-Kat is getting older, and I don't want our relationship to become like my relationship with Taylor.
What's wrong with that? Taylor, how you doing, honey? TAYLOR: Get off my back, man! Well, if you want to spend more time with Anna-Kat, maybe you should chaperone the field trip instead of me.
You're chaperoning? Yeah, Ablin called and asked me to go.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, look at you knowing pony names, chaperoning field trips.
Part of the problem is, you're too nice of a dad.
You need to be worse.
When it comes to parenting, I don't go up to you you come down to me.
Why do I always have to come down to you? I don't do self-improvement.
You knew that when you married me, bro.
[SIGHS.]
I don't feel well.
Yeah, right! Go get dressed.
I'm being serious! I've been throwing up all night.
Why don't you ever believe me? - 'Cause you always fake being sick.
- Mm-hmm.
You're thinking of Mom and malaria.
I do do that.
I swear I'm really sick.
Trip is going to Thunder Park for senior ditch day, and I want to go.
So fake being sick.
I fake being sick way too many times.
Unless I barf up some arthritis - That's not a thing.
- then Mom and Dad won't buy it.
I need your help.
[SIGHS.]
They might not buy you being sick, but they will if we both are sick.
Wait you're sick? That's great! Then you can get me sick! Quick sneeze in my mouth.
No! I'll also fake being sick.
Oh.
They'll never think we're both lying.
But if I do this for you, you guys need to take me and Cooper to Thunder Park.
Fine.
What's the plan? I've been throwing up all night.
Oh, no.
Taylor, too.
Geez, if they're both sick, then maybe Taylor is not lying after all.
Maybe they have food poisoning.
Just follow my lead.
Hey, Mom? Can I have this yogurt smoothie I found in the fridge? Sure.
Great.
It looks delicious.
Hey, Taylor, you want to share this yogurt smoothie I found in the fridge? It looks delicious.
Sure.
It looks delicious.
Oh, no! It's expired.
Oh, who cares? Mom always said it's okay to eat expired food if it's in the two-week buffer zone.
Oh, well.
Bottoms up.
You guys are total idiots for drinking that expired smoothie.
But it was in the buffer zone! - Did you smell it? - No.
Everyone knows you got to smell it if it's in the buffer zone.
That is buffer zone 101.
Back to bed.
No school for you two today.
I'm sorry I can't stay and take care of them.
I have to go on Anna-Kat's field trip.
Oh, don't worry, Dad.
Oliver and I can take care of each other.
That's sweet.
Stop being the nice parent.
You're making me look bad.
You could try being the nice parent.
We can't change it up now, Greg.
- We are in this way too deep.
- Hmm.
I need some advice on what to do with Anna-Kat.
I don't have time to do the fun stuff that we usually do together because of work.
Oh.
I can totally relate to that.
- Really? - That's not possible.
Recently, I started spending more time at home with the kids, but then I felt like I was missing out on all this fun stuff at the country club.
I felt bad for neglecting the club, so I started spending less time at home.
Hmm.
Katie, if you want to spend time with your kids, then sometimes that means doing things with them that you don't want to do like chaperoning.
But I already did that last year.
Yeah, well, it's kind of like the mammogram of parenting.
Ugh.
Just another way they put the squeeze on us! I don't want to chaperone again.
It was just a lot of me saying, "Don't wander off! Stay together! Don't climb on that!" "Don't tell your mom I hit you.
" But I did have fun with Anna-Kat.
We sang songs on the bus, and we made up this game where we pretended not to know anything because it was our first day on Earth.
- Example, please.
- Mm.
"What is this mysterious brown substance?" - Yeah, I don't care anymore.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Katie, there's no reason why you can't go on that field trip today and reconnect with Anna-Kat.
You're right.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Great.
When do they leave? [GASPS.]
10 minutes.
- Damn! I got to go.
- Oh.
You didn't really hit a kid on a field trip, did you? Oh.
Your son didn't tell you? Damn, you're a good mom! You didn't raise a narc! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
PRINCIPAL ABLIN: All right, kids.
Everyone take your seats.
We're leaving.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Good morning, room 5! My name is Katie Otto, Anna-Kat's mom, and I am here to chaperone your field trip to Caldwell Farms.
Katie, what are you doing here? I think my announcement one second ago was pretty clear about that.
Yeah, but I took the day off from work to [GASPS, GRUNTS.]
What are you doing here? I thought you had a job.
I do have a job.
And I took a day off from that job to do an even more important job to connect with my daughter.
In your face.
I will not have that in my face again.
All right, let's get this field trip started with a little bus song.
[CHANTING.]
Hey, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine, you blow my mind Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey Come on, Anna-Kat! What are you doing? What is a bus ride without a sing-along? Come on, everybody! Hey, Mickey, you're so Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're the finest in my mind Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey! Dude! What are you doing? Mom always said to dance like no one's watching and to sleep like nobody's watching.
I had trouble sleeping.
I thought people were watching me.
Sorry.
Ablin ruined everything.
Yeah.
Mother always said that, too.
The smoothie plan worked perfectly.
Sometimes I think about using my powers for good, and then I do stuff like this and I think [SCOFFS.]
Nah.
So, you drank expired yogurt and it didn't make you sick? How'd you pull that off? It wasn't really expired.
So how'd you get sick? We faked it.
You don't need to understand the plan for it to work.
Oh, thank God.
Cooper, how'd you get out of school today? Oh, I don't really have to worry about stuff like that.
- - [CHUCKLES, SIGHS.]
You get a boat! And you get a boat! And you get a boat! [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[CAR ALARM HONKS.]
Oh, no.
Dad's home.
He's supposed to be on Anna-Kat's field trip! - Guys, go hide.
- Why? Then I won't get to see your dad.
That's the point.
You don't need to understand the plan for it to work.
Let's vámanos, compadre.
Come on.
We got to make ourselves look sick again.
Hey, guys.
I'm not going on Anna-Kat's field trip anymore, so I came home to see how you're doing.
I still feel sick.
I feel like Taylor reads terrible.
Oh, no.
Sounds like you're getting worse.
I better stay here and take care of you guys.
Y-You shouldn't stay home just because we're sick.
Why not grab some quality Greg time? Yeah, go catch a movie.
There's two Ruth Bader Ginsburg films out.
She's your celebrity hall pass, for God's sake.
I'm happy to take care of you two.
I'm gonna make you some of my mother's famous chicken soup.
Do you know what the secret ingredient is? - Is it love? - Love? No.
It's I don't want to tell you anymore.
Ugh.
Now instead of ditch day, we have to stay home and pretend to be sick.
Yeah, I know.
I was here, too.
[GOAT BLEATS.]
KATIE: Don't wander off.
Stay together.
Don't climb on that! [GOAT BLEATS.]
Caldwell Farms is a fully functional fruit and animal farm.
But not an "Animal Farm" like George Orwell's allegorical novella that criticized the rhetoric of the Russian Revolution.
[LAUGHS.]
Always funny.
Always.
I'm also proud to point out Caldwell Farms' newest edition this gorgeous gazebo built by none other than your Principal Ablin.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow! Why would you build them a gazebo? Because I love it here, and I hope to be buried under it someday.
So in your face.
Well, my face is a shield, so it bounces off and hits your face twice as hard! Double face! Double face? That's the worst of all faces.
Uh, now, before we move on to the petting zoo, does anyone have any questions? - [GASPS.]
- Yes.
What are those things behind you? Uh You mean the apples? Ooh! Apples! Very interesting.
What do they do? They just They're apples! Mom, no.
Don't play First Day on Earth.
Let's just go to the petting zoo.
One second.
Gerald, so, these apples, where are their parents? Well, I suppose in a way, that's me.
Mom, please stop! Does your mom really not know what apples are? She's just playing this dumb game that she thinks is funny but is definitely not funny.
Anna-Kat, what is wrong?! Katie? See, you eat it.
I know what a damn apple is, Ablin.
You are gonna be buried under that gazebo sooner than you think.
Excuse me.
I just got off the phone with an old college friend who works in infectious diseases at the Mayo Clinic.
He said that food poisoning from dairy products is very serious.
I think it's out of our systems.
It's not.
But it will be.
My friend gave very specific instructions on how to flush the toxins from your bodies.
We're gonna sweat it out.
How long do we have to stay in here like this? - Just an hour.
- An hour?! No way! I look like I've been Chaka Khanned! You know who Chaka Khan is? Oh.
That's a person? I thought it meant being electrocuted.
Stay here.
I'll be back to check on you in an hour.
[SIGHS.]
This sucks! I hate being sick! You're not really sick.
Oh, yeah.
[LINE RINGING.]
- Hey.
How's the trip going? - Terrible.
I need the nice parent's perspective on the situation.
I have been trying to have fun with Anna-Kat all day, but she keeps shutting me down.
I've been doing our greatest hits sang songs, First Day on Earth.
Maybe you're trying too hard.
Just be yourself.
If I were myself, I wouldn't be on this field trip.
It's Anna-Kat.
You know what she likes true crime fiction, the wrath of Mother Nature, YouTube videos of sleeping bears falling out of trees.
And ponies.
Maybe I'm not trying too hard, but, actually, I'm not trying hard enough.
So the opposite of what I just said? I use you as a sounding board, Greg.
I don't come to you for answers.
I'll give you a Jolly Rancher if you help me bond with my kid.
You're mine now.
[SIGHS.]
Now, step two.
You need to put this all over your faces and bodies.
- What is that? - It's a homemade salve of mustard, turmeric, and garlic.
Now that the toxins are out, you need to put this in your pores immediately.
That's not necessary, Dad.
We're feeling much better.
Do you guys know what alkaline-hepatitis-12 is? - No.
- Well, you can get it if you don't do this.
[SIGHS.]
When you're done putting it on, get back in the bathroom.
[GROANS.]
Okay, now you have to let the heat melt it into your pores.
I'll be back in an hour.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
We're missing a lot of fun.
Pictures can be deceiving.
There's a video.
KID: This is the best time of my life! It's just one person.
KID #2: We're all having the best time of our lives! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, Anna-Kat, look who I just found! It is Major Cuddles! And he has come to life! Mom, no.
Playing with toy ponies is one thing, but playing with real-life ponies is even better.
You still play with toy ponies? No.
Ponies are for babies.
Ohh! Mrs.
Otto.
Please put Beverly back! She spooks easily a-and needs the structure of her corral.
I don't know who Beverly is.
This is Major Cuddles.
Do you and your friends want to pet Major Cuddles? Can you stop? Please.
Come on, Anna-Kat.
I took the day off to hang out with you.
Can we talk about this later? Why can't we talk about it now? Because you're ruining the field trip.
I am not ruining the field trip.
Am I, Major Cuddles? [HORSE WHINNIES.]
[GASPS, SCREAMS.]
My gazebo! Beverly! [SIGHS.]
Okay.
Now I'm ruining the field trip.
Beverly! Come back here, girl! Beverly, please come home! Maybe all of this yelling is scaring her.
We should ease up for a sec.
That's good advice for you, too.
Hey! That is not fair.
You know, the only reason that I came on this field trip was because I felt bad about working a lot lately and not spending enough time with you.
You're just trying to force having fun with me.
It is not forced.
I am just trying to connect by doing things you like.
First Day on Earth, singing "Mickey" I don't like those things anymore.
Well, what about ponies? You were just playing with your ponies yesterday at home.
Yeah at home.
I don't need my friends knowing I still play with ponies.
Can't you see how that can be embarrassing for me? Yeah.
Mom, I've changed.
I like different stuff now.
I have new friends, and I just want to be like everyone else.
It's almost time to go.
I'm gonna go get on the bus.
Well, we found Beverly.
She's back in her corral, sleeping under four weighted blankets.
Man.
I blinked for a second, and she changed on me.
No matter how many times it happens, I'm never ready for it.
I know what you mean.
I wasn't ready to lose my gazebo, but here I am.
[GROANS.]
I'll get you for this, Katie Otto.
Okay, that's enough of that.
Get me in the shower immediately! Hang on.
There's one last thing you need to do.
Put these in your ears.
You have to be joking.
I know, but in most of the world, onions are used to treat all sorts of illnesses.
This is quick five minutes, and then you're totally done.
[SIGHS.]
What do the scallions do? - They make you look more ridiculous.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
What are you doing? After your mother threw me off the school bus, I came home to check on you guys.
I quickly found Trip and Cooper, who are for sure the worst hiders in the world.
When I asked them what they were doing there, Cooper started giving me what was clearly an elaborate lie.
I made it clear unless he told me the truth, I'd tell your mother everything.
He immediately spilled his guts.
When I asked Trip to confirm the story, he said he couldn't because he didn't know what was going on.
If you guys ever lie to me again, I will post this picture everywhere so all your friends see it.
I'll post it at the school library, at Izzo's Hardware It would just be easier to post it on the Internet.
Why are you helping him? That was really messed up, Dad.
I thought you were the nice parent.
I am nice, but you took advantage of me, so the lesson is, never piss off the nice parent, because if you do, you get punished 10 times harder.
You'll also be happy to know the stuff you rubbed all over yourself turned out to be a darn good salad dressing.
Yeah, that really turns my day around.
[SIGHS.]
[CHANTING.]
Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine, you blow my mind Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey [CHANTING.]
Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine, you blow my mind Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey [SINGING.]
Oh, Mickey, what a pity, you don't understand You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand Oh, Mickey, you're so pretty, you don't understand It's guys like you, Mickey! Oh, what you do, Mickey, do, Mickey Don't break my heart, Mickey Thanks for throwing me a bone.
No problem.
And if you want to chaperone another field trip, - if you behave - Mm-hmm.
I'd be okay with that.
That is so sweet.
But I've been banned from all field trips.
Was that the point of the whole day? No.
Just an awesome bonus.
[CHANTING.]
Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine, you blow my mind Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey They totally fell for it.
[LAUGHS.]
You're a real hard-ass today.
I know.
It was really fun.
What is going on around here? You're mean.
Anna-Kat has become a normal kid with friends.
Wait, let me check something.
Taylor, how you doing, honey? TAYLOR: Good! Doing homework! Love you so much! I have no idea what's going on anymore.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
That's weird.
There's nobody here.
Hmm.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
In your face!