Black-ish (2014) s03e20 Episode Script

1 Dre: People always say they hate being labeled.
They don't want to be seen as just one thing.
But let's be honest We need labels.
When things aren't clearly labeled, it can cause problems.
Come on! Who put the mom jeans in the men's section?! And even in families, labels can be a pretty useful shorthand.
But sometimes people Just like pants Have the wrong label while others act in ways that surprise you.
- [Siren wails.]
- [Screams.]
And that's when things get confusing.
[Screams.]
- Oh.
Mom.
- Yes.
Uh, which one for Laura's party This one or this one? - I like that one! - Okay, great.
[Chuckles.]
What? Wait, what are you do That's my shirt! Ugh! She's doing you a favor, baby.
Up top.
- Okay.
- Mm! What kind of party is this gonna be? Who's gonna be there? What time are you coming home? Dad, can you check her? Bow, the girl is about to go to college, okay? It's basically a courtesy that she's even asking us.
She could've lied and said she's gonna study.
Could've.
Didn't.
You're welcome.
- Up top again.
- So annoying.
Hey! Junior.
Come over here.
- Why? - You want to go out tonight? Sure.
What are you in the mood for? Dinner, a show? It's been forever since we went dancing.
[Laughs.]
That was so much fun! No, I meant with your sister.
You want to go to a party? - Ooh! - What?! Why?! Is this because of the shirt? It's not not because of the shirt.
You guys are gonna have so much fun.
Huh? Trust me.
I'm in, so long as you and I are still on for tomorrow at the farmers market.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yeap.
I've got my eye on some local honey that will help with my allergies.
- I'm gonna go get changed.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is so unfair.
- Really? It is.
- He's a lame.
- Exactly.
And I want him to keep an eye on her.
- Bow.
- Ha.
She's got a good head on her shoulders.
We can trust her.
Look, Dre, it is the end of senior year.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is when all these kids slip up.
They think they're grown, but they're still dumb kids.
- She's 17 years old, Dre.
- Yes.
[Scoffs.]
I remember where I was at 17.
- The library.
- Yes! Why would you s-say it like that? He's gonna embarrass her, Bow.
- He's not gonna embarrass her.
- What? Okay.
Party cloak or formal cloak? I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard.
[Hushed.]
Lame.
Was that an "L"? Yeah, for "I love you, Junior.
" [Chuckles.]
He loves you so much.
Party cloak, sweetie.
The purple it'll bring out your eyes.
Tell me when to go Tell me when to go Tell me when to go Tell me when to go Go dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb - Yeah? - Hey, Pops.
What the hell's going on over here, man? Nothing.
Tell me when to go Are you playing E-40? - No! - I didn't know you liked E-40.
- Pops, I like E-40.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I - We'll keep the music down.
- "We"? - [Sighs.]
- You got somebody over here? - No.
Oh, hey.
Rhonda? I didn't even know you were in town.
What the hell you doing here? Dad and I are on the mission to find the best sandwich in L.
A.
- I like sandwiches.
- You don't like sandwiches.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
Okay.
I see how it is.
Always the two of you.
All right, well, look, could you keep the music down? This is a civilized community.
Sure thing, boss.
Tell me when to go I love that song.
Go dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb - You found me! - Oh, my God! I've been hiding for two hours.
- Ohh! - Two! - Did you find Jack yet? - Uh, I'm still looking for him.
[Laughs.]
You weren't looking, were you? - Mm? - You forgot.
Okay, yes, I did.
I forgot.
I have a growing parasite inside my belly that is sucking all the power from my brain.
[Voice breaking.]
So you just need to lower your expectations, okay? Mommy's doing her best.
Why do they tell women they can have it all? Did I win? I've been hiding in the dryer for 2 1/2 hours.
Mom stopped looking for us.
We're forgotten children.
Which means no one will know if we do the things that they always tell us not to do.
You mean like join the white man's army? You've been hanging out with Pops too much.
So, what should we do first? Mom said never to lay a finger on that vase! But we're motherless children.
Catch! [Grunting.]
Hey, hey, hey Bounce with me Hey I'm goin' postal, global Coast to coast like [Indistinct conversations.]
Wow! This is festive! I'd like to find Laura's parents and thank them.
Do you think they're upstairs or downstairs? Or in St.
Lucia.
- Hey! - Young woman: Hi, Zoey! There are no parents here? But there are some adults present, like an aunt or a trusted nanny? Nope just that guy who graduated from our school two years ago.
Okay.
Dude, I'm begging you.
Please try and be cool.
Not a problem.
I am cool! [Laughs.]
Yes! Fruit punch! Yeah! [Chuckles nervously.]
I'm not with him.
Zoey! Zoey? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this punch smells like Pops' room.
I think there's alcohol in it.
Okay, dude, this is a high-school party, so chill out.
You don't have to drink it.
All right.
I read about this.
It was bound to happen sometime.
Keep a cool head.
I'm at a rager.
- Oh, my God.
- [Exhales.]
You're the reason they should bring bullying back.
Joke's on you.
Never went away.
Ha ha! [Laughs.]
I ain't believe that.
Dre.
Me and Rhonda are going down to the track.
You got some extra cash? Grown-ass man asking his son for money.
Get a job, Earl! - Hey, Mama, don't talk to him like that.
- What? This man put food on our table.
He worked his ass off for this family until he sued that mattress company for reparations.
- That's right.
Thank you, Rhonda.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, I was a breadwinner and a civil-rights pioneer.
And now that I'm retired, I've taken up mentoring several inexperienced gamblers down at Hollywood Park.
That's my daddy philanthropic.
Still giving back.
Whatever.
Pops, I ain't got nothin' on me.
That's okay I know where you keep the money - hidden in your drawer upstairs.
- Unh-unh, Earl! Dre's cupcake money is my petty cash! Earl! Oh, Earl! Why do you always defend him? Come on, Dre.
We both have our favorite parent.
You chose Mom.
That wasn't even a choice.
She's the good one.
Dad cheats on everything His taxes, his wife, Monopoly.
The man keeps a Park Place card in his pocket.
Dude, Mom's hardly a saint.
What has she ever done?! Okay, well, I don't know she blew up Dad's boat.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shot him.
- Mm-hmm.
- Blew up his other boat.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shot him again.
You reachin'.
She had an affair with Mr.
Caldwell.
[Laughs.]
My gym teacher? [Laughs.]
No.
No.
No way.
No way.
Now, how you think you got an "A" in gym? I [Grunting.]
Attaboy, Dre.
You got it.
Thanks, Coach Dad.
No wonder he had Thanksgiving with us.
[Voice breaking.]
Mama, can I ask you something? This is totally normal.
Not a big deal.
[Chuckles.]
Just a few bad apples.
Oh, my God.
My student body cabinet?! Drew, you're the treasurer! Have you been treasuring drunk? Emily! You're the designated survivor! We can't both be here! Relax, dude.
Have a beer.
I don't need to be drunk to be cool.
The new drunk is not being drunk.
Okay? [Scoffs.]
Beer.
You know that those are covered in weed? [Scoffs.]
Okay.
No, dude, you're gonna die.
Oh, my God.
How many am I supposed to have? I don't know, but that kid over there only had one.
Aaaaah! Aaaaah! Oh, no.
Oh, no! My brain hasn't finished forming yet.
I got to throw these up.
[Retching.]
Why can't I throw these up?! Does anyone here have a tongue depressor? [Laughter.]
Why are you all just laughing?! - Mama.
- Mm? You wouldn't believe what Rhonda just said about you.
She said you ran around on Pops with my teacher.
What?! Oh, honey, you [Scoffs.]
You know that's not true.
Okay, well, why would she lie? Everybody lies.
Bill Clinton, Zac Efron.
And don't get me started on Oprah.
"Lose weight eating bread," my ass! Even Archbishop Desmond Tutu lies.
I was sitting on an airplane with him one time.
Went to the bathroom, came back, my peanuts were gone.
And I said to him Desmond Tutu, did you steal my peanuts?! Ma'am, my is Ahmad Rashad, and your hand is on my penis.
[Gasps.]
Oh.
Well Mama, what are you talking about? I'm talking about lies! Like the one your sister told about me and your gym teacher! Hold on.
What? I never said "gym teacher.
" Mama, you were running around on Pops with Coach Dad? Now I realize I was the only one calling him Coach Dad! - Mama, how could you?! - Oh, boy, don't make such a fuss.
It was a hundred years ago, and it was just one time.
- One time? - And then on and off for about two years.
- What?! - Oh, come on, boy.
How do you think you passed gym class? Because I ran the mile in under 22 minutes.
It's fun when no one cares about you.
- Mm-hmm.
- What's next? Well, we've taken Mom's youth, her joy, and her beauty.
And now it's time to take her Enclave.
Hit it [Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock's "It Takes Two" plays.]
It takes two Let's kick it up a notch.
It takes two to make it outta sight [Both laugh.]
Whoo! Come on! Faster! Faster! One, two, three, get loose now One two and three! Whoo! Oh! Yeah! It takes two to make a thing Again! Junior, stop being so self-conscious.
No one is looking at you.
Are you sure? Positive.
Just have fun, sweetheart.
And call me if your sister does anything stupid.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Junior! Are you high? Yes.
Did you know these chips are laced with cannabinoids? [Laughs.]
Uh, yeah.
Rastaman's Pot-a-to Chips have weed in them.
Ohhhh! How many of these did you have? [Chuckles.]
You talk white.
[Chuckles.]
And Mom thinks I'm the problem.
[Chuckling.]
Hey, Mr.
President.
Can I get one for the 'Gram? Shirt off.
Okay.
[Laughs.]
Riley! Knock it off.
That's my brother, and I will ruin you.
Junior, put your clothes on.
Let me give the people what they want! You're a mess.
Um here.
Drink all of this.
Cops! Oh, God! Come on! We have to go! Wait.
Where are your shoes? Where are anybody's shoes? Okay.
I'll find them.
I don't need shoes.
I have no feet! Oh! Found them! We've got to g Junior?! [Police radio chatter.]
Hello, officers.
I am so glad you're here.
I heard there's alcohol at this party.
I'd been thinking.
After all my mom went through with Pops, who was I to judge? Hey, Mama.
There's something I'd like to say.
Look, I'm I'm not here to judge you.
I'm I'm here to forgive you for, you know your affair.
Forgive me? I don't need you to forgive me.
Andre, men look at me.
They desire me.
Their eyes roam my body and Okay, Mama, I don't I don't I don't need to hear any more.
Yeah, well, good, 'cause I was 'bout to get dirty.
[Sighs.]
Look, whatever happened back in the day is none of my business.
And I'm sorry that I blew up at you like that.
I guess I was just shocked because I always think of you as perfect.
Baby, ain't nothing perfect 'cept Jesus.
And Luther Vandross' first album.
Mm.
[Chuckles.]
But I like that you saw me that way.
You know, Mama, maybe this'll be better for us.
You know, me seeing you as a real person.
Yeah, but I don't want you thinking I had loose morals.
I really did love your science teacher.
Gym teacher, Mama.
Oh, yeah gym teacher.
Yeah.
Definitely, there was only one teacher.
Ooh.
You won that science fair on your own.
Yes, you did.
Ruby: Oh, who's the winner? Yes! Say cheese! Yes! Mmm! Mmm! [Voice breaking.]
Damn it, Mama, did I earn any of my grades? Hm? Let's make sure I don't see your face again.
You won't.
And I am so sorry.
And thank you so much for bringing her home safely.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Zoey, what were you thinking? You're lucky they didn't put you in jail! You could've blown everything been expelled from school, put your whole college acceptance in jeopardy.
But I didn't do anything.
Zoey, they do not bring kids home in police cars who didn't do anything! You're on your way to college, young lady! - Yeah.
- No, you need to make better choices! I'm so mad at you! I can't even look at you right now! Go to your room! Go! - Where are you going?! - To my room! Right, yes! You go to your room! And where's your brother? - Ma'am? - Yes? [Gasps.]
Is this your son? Yes, it's this is my son.
He just turned himself in to me.
Oh, my God.
Apparently, he accidentally got high, and he liked it.
I did.
- [Voice breaking.]
I'm a user.
- Oh, God.
Thank you, thank you so much, gentlemen, again.
Thank you again.
Wha Where Where are your shoes, sweetheart? [Crying.]
Mommy! Sweetheart, what? I should've taken you dancing.
- [Both laughing.]
- [TV plays indistinctly.]
Hey.
What are you guys watching? - Nothing.
- [TV shuts off.]
Come on.
You don't have to be like that, all right? I'm with you guys.
I know Mom's not a saint.
I told you telling him was a big mistake.
Listen, I regretted it instantly.
I thought he was strong enough to handle it.
Men are weak.
Look, Pops.
Man, I blamed you for everything that went down growing up.
Why didn't you ever tell me the truth? Because you were always such a mama's boy, Dre.
[Sighs.]
Look, you needed your mama to be a saint, and it takes a special kind of monster to ruin a mama for a mama's boy.
Pops, can you stop calling me a mama's boy? Come on, Dre.
All he's trying to say is that he wasn't gonna vilify Mom, - because you're - You're a mama's boy.
- Hey! - Yeah.
You should've at least told me about Mama.
No.
It was right that I took the hit on that.
It's part of being a good father.
He looked out for us, Dre.
He only let it slip about Mom when we went scotch tasting last year.
Scotch tasting? I love scotch.
- No, you don't.
- No, you don't.
Yeah, you're more of like a a lychee martini guy.
Eh A man can't be both? - No.
- No.
Look at your brother.
Look at that! You were so busy partying and getting arrested that your brother ate 13 marijuana chips! - 19.
- Oh, my God.
Zoey, you were supposed to be watching him! No, I wasn't.
You made me take him And probably to spy on me.
No! No! M Maybe.
Yes, I did.
Okay? But obviously, you were the one that needed watching.
- No, she didn't! - Huh? Zoey's the only reason I didn't die.
She calmed me down, got me water, and protected me while I made myself vulnerable to blackmail and impeachment.
- She did? - Yeah.
She wasn't even drinking.
And only got caught because she stayed to help me find my shoes.
- [Gasps deeply.]
- What? I forgot my party cloak! [Gasps.]
Why do I always have to showboat? Oh, boy.
Mom, I don't know why you're on me all of a sudden, but I haven't done anything that bad.
Why would you assume I'm so terrible? Sweetie, I know you're not terrible.
But you're leaving soon.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm scared.
I am scared about what might happen if I'm not with you every day.
I still see you as a little girl, even though I know you haven't been that for years.
You've changed, but it's just hard for me to see you as something different.
My God, sweetheart, you are 17 years old, which makes me, like, so ancient.
It's so hard to think of me that way because I'm I'm so young and and hip.
Yeah.
Hip people always say they're hip.
- That's what I thought.
- Yeah.
I can't believe the police brought my kids home.
Dre, I told you the kids are fine.
I don't care about them kids.
- What? - It's the neighbors.
That Nextdoor app is buzzing with racism.
Yeah, well, you know what? I just feel bad, because Zoey is a really good kid, and I was trying to convince myself that she wasn't.
I mean, it didn't help that the police brought her home, but I don't know why I assume the worst about her.
You label people, Bow.
When you get an idea about a person, it's hard for you to see the reality, and you end up missing the obvious clues.
Like perfect strangers at Thanksgiving or getting an "A" in gym for running a 30-minute mile.
Okay, I don't know what you're talking about anymore.
Not my mom.
She's the exact same woman I always thought she was.
All right, men don't look at her.
She has no needs.
She's a saint.
Good night, Bow.
Good night, sweetheart.
[Muffled crying.]
Are you crying? Yes.
No.
[Crying continues.]
Oh, my God.
[Crying continues.]
- Pops! Rhonda! - [Doorbell rings.]
We talked about this! Open up! Can I help you, boss? - What are you doing here? - [Music stops.]
Nothing.
You two are supposed to be in bed.
Get out of here! Oh.
Suddenly, someone notices us.
Yeah, okay.
Pops is gonna give you a whuppin' for being in his house.
Tell me when to go Tell me when to go Pops! Rhonda, you in there? - Rhonda: No! - Pops: No!