Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s03e20 Episode Script

1 Not only do I get to put up these awesome holiday decorations, but they also pay me to be the bandleader.
# setlife.
#blessed-ah! Bah, humblebrag, Reggie.
What's wrong, Scott? Where's your Christmas spirit? I'm sorry, Reggie, it just seems like everyone's obsessed with having the biggest tree or getting the biggest presents or riding the biggest sled.
It just doesn't seem like Christmas to me.
Well, it might have something to do with how hot it is in here.
Yeah, what is going on with the A.
C.
unit? It's broken, but Ray is on it.
Come on.
Ugh.
That piece of foreign garbage.
I should be home, sipping nog.
Eggnog.
Hey, how long is this gonna take? We have a big show tonight.
Lucky for you, Ray Starsky's on the job, and this ex-marine doesn't leave until the job is done.
That means either every foreign combatant 6 feet under, or in this case, you know, your air conditioner working.
Well, Ray, thank you for your service of our air conditioner unit.
Right.
Hiya! Honestly, Reggie, I just don't know if I can do a holiday show right now.
Well, it's not like someone's holding a gun to your head.
Sorry to arise such a clatter.
- Who are you? - We are a group of terrorists.
We're taking everyone in this program hostage until our demands are met.
What do you want? Gold krugerrands? The release of political prisoners? No! We demand A shipment of Sauerkraut kid dolls that we may give to our children for Christmas.
The holiday toy craze of the year? We don't have any Sauerkraut kid dolls, nobody does.
Ahh, but you do have something I need The attention of America's largest viewing public.
Well, we're no final episode of M.
A.
S.
H.
,but Deliver jokes as you must, Scott.
Just pray the authorities deliver my dolls.
Your life depends on it.
Good grief, don't terrorists take hostages for fanatical religious reasons anymore? Even terrorism's gone commercial.
I just hope they don't take my presents.
So what are we gonna do? I guess the only help we can hope for now will have to come from above.
Hey there, welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
The Lonely Island is here.
I'm Scott Aukerman.
And well, it's the holiday episode, and if the holidays weren't stressful enough, we've also been taken hostage by a bunch of desperate, doll-seeking dads.
Attention, viewers of Comedy Bang! Bang! My name is Victor Kahn, and I regret to inform you that your host has become A host-age.
If the authorities do not meet our demands, everyone in this studio dies.
Except me.
And my guys here.
Everyone else.
Well, speaking of someone who may die and most certainly will eventually, let's say hello to our good friend Reggie Watts.
Christmas is special time you can hear the snowflakes falling down on my mind Wow, Reggie, this whole hostage thing hasn't dampened your holiday spirits, huh? It's the most wonderful time of the year For your friends to buy you presents.
Oh, that's for me.
Hold it.
Quiet, quiet.
Quiet.
Hello.
Victor Kahn, this is officer Jack Bearclaw, lead negotiator.
Glad you could join us.
You have 30 minutes to produce a pile of Sauerkraut - No problem.
- Kid dolls.
That's impossible! Those things have been sold out for weeks.
Is there any way I could interest you in some nice wooden trains? Surely, you must be joking.
How about wooden blocks? Maybe a wooden ball? Hey, have you heard of tinker-timber? They're these nice pieces of wood that are actually made out of wood.
Officer Bearclaw, no wooden toys.
Okay, how about a PS4 with all the hottest games.
I'm talking Wood Chopper, Lumber Runner, Woodrow Wilson's Presidential Paper Party.
We want Sauerkraut kid dolls! You now have 25 minutes! We've been talking for five minutes? Okay, well, let's get to our first guests.
If bad things come in threes, then these three are bad to the bone The funny bone, that is.
Please welcome the Lonely Island.
Hi.
All right, the Lonely Island.
Ah! - Hi, guys, how's it going? - Ah! It's really good.
We're doing good.
Yeah, couldn't be better.
Really? With Seth and Amy? I mean, we've all been taken hostage.
Oh, this? Happens all the time.
Yeah, why do you think we put out three albums? Because you wanted to? Nope, total hostage situation.
- Really? - With Seth and Amy.
You guys are right.
So guys, what is your five-year plan? Oh, it's so hot in here, Scott.
- Just a little.
- Is it because we're wearing these really heavy Christmas sweaters, or is it just warm in the studio? Ah, it's Air conditioner's broken.
Oh, all right.
So I've heard of Dick in a Box, but three guys in this room? Thanks for coming to Comedy Bang! Bang! Well, Scott, much like the three wise men came to visit the baby Jesus on Christmas, we came to visit you too.
And like the three wise men, we come bearing gifts.
- Ooh.
- I brought gold.
I brought frankincense.
And I brought gold.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Didn't the three wise men bring gold, frankincense, and myrrh? Jorma, you dope.
You were supposed to bring the myrrh.
No, I was clearly on gold detail.
You had the myrrh duty.
Man, I spent a lot of money at that gold for cash place.
Wait, guys, are you trying to tell me that none of you brought myrrh? We're sorry, Scott.
We screwed up.
Ah, it's okay.
You know, don't worry about it.
After all, what is myrrh anyway? Myrrh is the resin of thorny trees, Scott.
Oh, I guess we should call you "the three wise men" after all, huh? - Try three wise asses, Scott.
So you guys are known for your music videos.
Have you noticed that MTV Music Television doesn't even play videos anymore? I mean, why call yourself Music Television, right? - I noticed that same thing.
- That's ridiculous.
Get bent, MTV.
Get bent.
Eat soup.
Chop wood.
- Chop wood.
- Chop wood, MTV.
Take a hike off a long pier.
- Smell my shorts.
- You ever see that episode of the Simpsons where a homeless drifter actually took Bart Simpson up on smelling his shorts? Got dark.
Hmm.
Kind of feels like we should just turn this into a rave.
- This is really good.
- It's a good start.
Yeah.
Ooh.
What do you guys want to do? You want to take off your shirts, or The human heart.
- What? - The B.
P.
M.
is lined up with my heartbeats.
Your heartbeat is really quick.
Have you seen a doctor about that? No.
- Nice, Reggie, thank you.
- That was great.
- Thank you.
- Reginald! We are such fans.
You're such a great musician, man.
Oh, thanks.
That's really sweet.
How you guys doing? Hi.
You know, Lonely Island's been looking for a new keyboardist.
Would you be interested? Yeah, definitely, I would definitely be interested.
In fact, I would probably just commit right now.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay.
Mm, Scott, this is awkward.
We actually weren't talking to you.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I think they were talking to me.
Do you even play keyboard? - No, not really.
- Do you play any instruments? Mm, the washboard.
Actually, I don't even play that.
I just wanted to brag about these abs.
- Ow! - No offense, Scott, but why'd you even ask to join us then? I've just always considered myself to be the unofficial fourth member of the Lonely Island, and well, I thought that you guys did too.
Oh.
What do you guys say? Should we ask Scott to be our new keyboardist? - Band huddle.
- Okay.
It might be kind of cool.
He could learn, and he's got a lot of attitude.
He's great.
He's a friend.
I think he could.
Q?- Right, it's true, I think he would be a great force on tour.
Moral support, and probably bring a lot - I think we can agree, right? - Okay, yeah, we're all in agreement.
Ready? Yeah, okay.
No.
- I get it.
- Mm.
So guys, we like to get a little edgy here at Comedy Bang! Bang! So it's time to play a little game that I like to call All right, Andy, you're up first.
I would definitely marry myself, I would bleep Jorm and Kiv, and I would kill you, Scott.
Oh, that's not really what I was going for with the game, but, uh, okay.
Jorm? Okay, I would definitely kill you right off the bat, Scott And then I would marry these two guys, and then I would bleep myself so hard, but I'd be looking at a picture of these two guys.
- Aw! - Why do I keep getting killed in these scenarios? I mean, come on, that's not fair.
I wouldn't kill you, Scott.
Oh, good, someone who doesn't want me dead.
Great.
Kiv, what do you got? Let's see.
I would marry Jorma and Andy.
I would bleep you Scott.
Make love.
And then I'd kill myself.
Because bleep you would be so traumatizing.
All right, well, none of you got it right.
The answer for all three was acclaimed actor William H.
Macy.
- Oh.
- I knew it.
So what motivates you guys? Well, for us, it's all about the music, Scott.
- Yes, exactly.
- Yeah.
Definitely the thing that motivates the most is the music.
Yes.
And the money's important too.
Right, the music and the money.
That's what we like the most.
And the women.
Yeah, the women, and the fame.
The free water we get when we go places.
Yeah, the first class plane tickets.
Yeah.
Even coach isn't so bad.
Yeah, I mean, any free plane ticket is awesome.
Sometimes, we'll stay at a hotel that has a wave pool in it.
I got a free hot dog once because the vendor recognized me.
Yeah, so to answer your question, Scott, the things that motivate us the most are the music, the money, the women, the fame, the cool parties, the free water, the plane tickets, the hotels with wave pools, and for Akiva, one hot dog.
In that order? In reverse order.
Why? Do you have a free hot dog? No, it's a dollar.
Guys, this interview is going so great, I To be honest, I just wish we were doing it without the terrorists here.
Hey, Scott, maybe you could ask us questions that could feed valuable information to the police without tipping off these guys.
Oh, great idea.
Okay, so guys, how many armed gunmen would you say are in this room, and what are their positions? All right, Scott, that's quite enough.
From now on, I'll be asking the questions.
Fine.
You know, if I had a gun, I would shoot you.
Yeah, that's why we didn't give you guns.
- Eh.
- Ahem.
Well.
Andy, how do you juggle work and family? What? That's a stupid question.
You're a stupid question.
Okay, um - Jorma? - That's right.
- Does the carpet match - What? In your house? Because some people's don't.
Oh, boy.
The only person I can count on to save this show is the man upstairs.
What a great way to spend Christmas, Ray.
You know what, you gotta stop talking to yourself and think, Ray.
You gotta save the day And not just give voice during the monologue, Ray.
You got a room full of people, Ray! They're counting on you, Ray! Come on, Ray, come on! If God exists, what do you think his favorite sound is? Ugh.
Okay, this is harder than it looks.
You know what? From now on, you will ask the questions.
- Well, that worked out.
- Yeah.
All right, we'll be right back with more from the Lonely Island including a musical performance of one of your biggest hits.
Is that right, guys? That's right, Scott.
And if you're all good little boys and girls, we just might be joined by a very special guest whose name rhymes with "Dustin jimbercake.
" Go, girlfriend Wow, you don't want to miss that.
Come on back.
jingle bells Ooh.
# jingle bells # New twist on an old favorite.
Jingle your little bells betwixt your legs Ah.
Sauerkraut kids! The one-of-a-kind dolls that you actually adopt.
After a background check, paperwork, and a lengthy waiting period, Sauerkraut kid dolls are yours to love.
I can't wait.
Or learn to love.
That's because they're the only dolls that truly simulate the challenges of adoptive parenting.
- Hmm.
- Having a child that looks, behaves, and even smells differently than you can be difficult, but you'll learn to find joy in your new responsibilities.
This is so much fun now.
And there's always the possibility that the birth mother could seek to reconnect with her child.
Please, I finally bonded.
Try to convince yourself that the birth mother's return might be a good thing.
After all, your Sauerkraut kid might need an organ transplant someday.
And the best thing about Sauerkraut kid dolls, you can always get another! Oh.
Neat.
For a limited time, every Sauerkraut kid doll comes with a jar of Sullivan's Sauerkraut from Sullivan's toys! Refrigerate after opening.
I love this time of year it's filled with so much cheer and beer Welcome back to the show.
The Lonely Island is with us and we've all been taken hostage, and Reggie, boy, you still seem to be in great spirits.
This time of year, my thoughts turn to Hope, Charity, and Faith.
See, that is more like it.
Yeah, they're my three richest aunts, and let me tell you, they are not stingy when it comes to iTunes gift cards.
Hey, you shut up.
Anymore nonsense out of you and you'll feel the backside of my hand, and the front side of my bullets.
Geez, what a grouch.
All right, well, let's get to our musical performance.
Here to perform one of their biggest hit songs with a musical assist by one of their best friends whose name happens to rhyme with "Dustin jimbercake," please welcome the Lonely Island.
Life of a Life of a - Ooh! - # life of a hustler # - # well, I'm a hustler # - # Hustler # - # that's just what I do # - ooh! I'm always hustling on the Avenue Avenue I could sell water to a whale # Water to a whale # or even a shell to a snail I'm a hustler # Life of a hustler # that's me I've been this way since I came out my mama's puss - # Puss # - # I'm always thinking # of a scheme ooh! I'm good at what I do and I know a thing or two about You have to be born with a certain swag a je ne sais quoi that makes hustling your bag at eight years old I got my hood pass - Ooh! - # then at nine # got my first piece of ass - # Ass # - # ice to an eskimo # spaghetti to a wop Wop I know that sounds racist it's just how I talk in the crap game I'm the number one - # Number one # - # I wouldn't mess around # you'll get your money taken from me, the hustler Hustler.
hey, I hustle when I want to you can't tell me when don't forget to scat if you want to be happy happiness is a hat Wait, wait, wait, who's that guy? Oh, Scott, this was our special guest that I was teasing earlier.
Tustin Limbersnake, he's the best.
Oh, I like him.
All right, we'll be right back with Bearclaw, you now have ten minutes to deliver my dolls.
Damn, you keep it hot in this studio.
"Come out to Bang! Bang! Fix the heater.
It's your job, you have to.
" Now look what I've gotten myself into.
Ooh.
Bingo.
I hope this works.
Ahh.
I did it! And I still got time to go sip that nog.
All right, we'll be right back with more from the Lonely Island.
Come on back.
Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way who's on my list, I hope my friends # will get me the presents# no, once it's laminated, you barely feel it going in.
Really? Oh, hey.
We're back here with the Lonely Island.
I've forgotten the meaning of Christmas, we've been taken hostage, and apparently, my bandleader couldn't be happier about it.
Keep it down.
Bearclaw, where are my dolls? You've had two commercial breaks.
Well, Victor, we're just checking the list twice, but it turns out you've been a good boy this year.
You have my dolls? No funny business.
Don't go sending in a cop masquerading as Santa Claus.
Come on, Victor, how stupid do you think we are? With a big, red coat covering riot gear instead of a big, fat belly.
Come on, Victor.
And a sack not full of Christmas toys, but full of SWAT team members ready and waiting to subdue me and my men.
Come on! And no fake beards, especially when the cop playing Santa already has a big, white, bushy beard.
It's unnecessary, Bearclaw.
If you don't have my dolls by the end of the show, there will truly be no more funny business.
Whew.
Wow, I guess our fate truly rests in the hands of a higher power now.
Well, don't look at me, buddy.
You coconuts all have free will.
Oh, yeah.
Merry Christmas.
I mean, um, hopefully, there's a "ray" of hope up there for us.
Ray? Ray, are you up there? There were terrorists there! Comedy Bang! Bang! Doesn't need a repairman.
It needs a hero.
Hiya! Uh Ray? Hey, uh, welcome back to the show.
Reggie and I are tied up.
Here to perform a holiday classic, please welcome back the Lonely Island.
silent night holy night all is Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that in a few moments, you'll be like the California Raisins Christmas special.
Nobody will see you anymore! Wait, don't shoot.
We've got the dolls.
- What? - Last-minute door buster special.
Toy City on Marland Avenue.
I had to pistol-whip a 70-year-old woman to snag the last one, but it's all in a day's work for an officer and fellow dad.
- You mean - Yup, I had sex with my wife resulting in a child.
Gross.
Ohh.
Ha.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
silent night holy night all is calm All is bright You know what, Reg? I think that is a great example of the Christmas spirit.
I think that I speak for Reggie, everyone in this room, every law enforcement officer on the face of the earth, and the entire judicial system when I say we forgive Victor Kahn and his henchmen.
Thank you.
After all, who could really hold the actions of a couple of well-intentioned dads against them, on Christmas? - No.
- No, see, I think the true meaning of Christmas is actually a little No! No! Ah! Oh.
Oops.
Snow? Oh, look at that.
I hit the A.
C.
unit.
Now it's malfunctioning.
It's a Christmas miracle? You know who's fixing it, don't you, Ray? Merry Christmas to me, huh? You suck, Ray.
Hiya! All right, everyone, we'll See you next year.
Free doll.
#score! The wolf dead.