Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e20 Episode Script

So you ever have an old dog bed, and you weren't sure what to do with it? Well, here's a fun project.
You didn't fly in your dog bed for real, did you? How else would I have gotten this jar of cloud? I'm usually very good at identifying types of clouds, but this doesn't look like a bunny rabbit, a marshmallow, or a snowman.
You have a very rare specimen here, my friend.
But Stan, you can't do crazy stuff like this now that you're a father.
You're gonna set a bad example for your puppies.
Come on, Tyler.
My puppies aren't gonna just blindly copy what I do.
Whee! No dog bed, no cloud-catching jar, totally different.
I can see our house from here.
Oh, Princess, I'm gonna miss you so much.
Ever since we were married, we frolicked together every single day.
I can tug on a rope with Tyler, Avery and Chloe while you're gone, but they don't growl the way you do.
Well, Avery comes close.
(Growls) (Whispers) She doesn't come close, but I didn't wanna hurt her feelings.
Is Princess going somewhere? Yeah.
Heather's going away for a month to some fancy school that allows pets.
They have all kinds of salon treatments for dogs.
Princess wants a Brazilian blowout, because curly hair is impossible, girl.
That's what Princess says with her eyes.
I'm gonna miss her so much.
(Doorbell rings) Is Princess ready to go? I'm already tired of looking at you.
If I were your career counselor, I'd advise you to become a hermit, social pariah, or village monster.
Like I'd live in a village.
Come, Princess.
I can't believe she's gone.
I don't even know who I am without her.
- Stan - No.
Stan is the name of a happy-go-lucky fella with love in his heart.
My name is Mr.
Pembleton, a bitter accountant whose wife went out for mustard and never came back.
I know that you're sad, but maybe this will cheer you up.
(Growls) (Spits) This is the one we found at the dog park.
What was I thinking? And when I snap my fingers, you will awake from your hypnotic state and no longer find puns funny.
Wow, that was a restful snap.
- (Chortles) - Dang it.
Good one, Ellen.
Or was it? Dang it.
I need a parent to help me post a video online.
Chloe, it's not a compilation of Daddy's epic fails, is it? Because I think it was the person who left the rake in the driveway who really failed.
No, they're holding open auditions for the last movie in the Necropolis High series.
Necropolis High 7: Heave Corpse Load.
They're doing it as two movies.
It is too much for one movie.
The production company is accepting auditions on their private site.
Can I do it? Please? Wow.
Chloe, you've never expressed an interest in acting before.
Please.
All my friends are auditioning.
Bennett, all her friends are doing it.
We have to let her do it.
Acting is in our blood.
With my background directing Shakespeare in the Park, which was, and I quote, "not nearly as bad as one might have expected.
" And after my community theater turn as Blanche DuBois, I was described as, and I quote, "a last-minute replacement.
" So I can do it? No, Chloe.
We can do it.
I'm gonna help you prepare.
What's the part? Wretch, the vomiting underworld vagabond.
I'm gonna teach you everything I know about acting.
And vomiting; I've done both on stage.
And I, Chloe, can spur you to a performance that is, and I quote again, "loud enough to hear.
" Really, Bennett? Do you really think you're the best one - Sleep.
- (Snoring) Chloe, I can help you.
Can you teach me that trick? Your daddy's a pretty good hypnotist.
And your mommy's a pretty good actress.
Stan, why are you wearing sunglasses indoors? Not to hide the shifty eyes that might give away what I've done, that's for sure.
I'm wearing them because I've started a smooth jazz trio.
It's me, Robert, and the ghost of legendary vibraphonist Benny Jackson.
We're called Princess Is In the Storage Space.
Wait, what? Princess is in the storage space? Ah! What an unlucky coincidence that that was the name of our band.
You wanna explain this? I couldn't stand to be without her, so I smuggled her away from Heather while she was packing her car.
Daddy got Mommy.
My chew toy tastes like Avery.
Yuck! Stan, this isn't right.
We have to call Heather.
Sorry, Heather.
Princess must've just wandered over here.
I don't believe that for a second.
You people are dog thieves.
If we were trying to steal Princess, why would I have called you to come and get her? I said you were dog thieves.
I didn't say you were highly skilled dog thieves.
What have I been telling you, Stan? You're a father.
You can't be so irresponsible.
Sneaking Princess back here sets a bad example for your puppies.
I'm a bad example? You're the one who's always on the furniture.
I appreciate your concern.
I know how to raise my puppies.
Still, I guess if it makes you happy, I promise I won't take Princess again.
Stan.
I know I promised, but I'm a jazz musician, man.
We go where the music takes us.
(Scat singing) I didn't even know I was gonna do that.
Caught you again.
I called you! (Doorbell rings) Heather? What is going on? This morning, at my school program, they told me Princess failed to show up for her eyebrow threading.
Princess is missing.
I'm sure she must be here since you people took her twice before.
Officer, arrest this girl for dog-napping.
I am not a dog-napper.
I'm not even a regular napper.
Once I wake up, it's go, go, go until bedtime.
Officer, arrest this girl for being annoying.
If I could arrest someone for being annoying, I would.
I guarantee you, Princess is not here.
We got Mommy.
What? How'd you guys get her all the way back here? We texted you a picture.
We spit on cats from up there.
Gracie, Freddy, I can't believe you guys took Princess from Heather's school.
See, Stan.
This is what happens when you set a bad example.
They didn't do it because of me.
- We copied you, Daddy.
- Kids'll say anything.
They believe in sea monsters.
We believe in sea monsters if you believe in sea monsters, Daddy.
You're not helping Daddy's cause, kids.
Look, we have to take her back.
Heather's probably worried sick about Princess.
(Heather) I'm worried sick about Princess.
See? And she should know.
Wait, what? You can search this entire house.
If you find Princess, officer, you can arrest me and my entire family.
But you might wanna put me in solitary, because I'm a danger to the general population.
(Giggling) I'm kidding.
I'd be very afraid in there.
Heather is already here, and she brought a police officer to search the place.
Quick, hide Princess while I distract them.
Or you could hide Princess.
There's nothing more distracting than a dog with his jazz ensemble.
Let's go, Robert.
No, Robert, it is not a paying gig.
But sometimes, you have to play for free to build your fan base.
Stan, Princess.
The police.
(Avery) How about we start with the kitchen? Come on, Princess.
(Chase music plays) So you've searched this entire house, and you didn't find anything.
You even looked in my closet and criticized my clothes, which I expected from Heather, but not from you, officer.
Sorry.
Her negativity's infectious.
I know you did something with Princess, but I can't prove it, but I won't rest until oh, my gosh, you're so tiring to look at.
Let's go, officer.
Sorry about your toilet.
Man, that was so close.
We need to find a way to sneak Princess back into Heather's school without Heather finding out.
Otherwise, we could all end up in jail.
Stan, where were you this whole time we were trying to hide Princess? You didn't help us at all.
Yeah, I did.
I played the chase music.
(Humming chase music) It's the first track off our new album.
We're experimenting.
I'm a little worried our fans won't follow us - in this new direction.
- Yes, that's our problem right now.
Okay, Chloe, let's see how your Necropolis High audition is coming along.
Show us what you've got, and we will mold it.
Be that little zombie Wretch.
Transport us.
(British accent) Please, Mummy, I'm tired of eating brains.
Can't I have cake and oranges and brains like normal children? (Normal voice) This is a brain.
Oh, it's a brain.
(British accent) I want to go to school with others like me.
I want to go from being a zom-B student to a zom-A student.
Ha ha, I just got that.
I want to go to Necropolis High.
Sweetie, as a parent, that was absolutely wonderful.
Really, really good.
But as your director, I think we got a lot of work ahead of us.
Really, really sketchy.
Okay, Chloe, you need to think about who your character is.
- What does she want? - Brains.
- What is her weakness? - Brains.
- What is her Buddy Bop password? - Brains.
Excellent.
Now do the scene.
(British accent) Please, Mummy, I'm tired of eating brains.
Can't I have cake and oranges and brains like normal children? Brains! Perfect.
You see the difference? Brains! Chloe, acting is not about what a character wants.
No one can see that.
It's about expressions.
Sad, angry, surprised.
Now do the scene.
(Sadly) Please, Mummy, I'm tired of eating brains.
(Angrily) Can't I have cake and oranges and brains (Surprised) like normal children? Honey, I think you're confusing Chloe.
Chloe? Who's Chloe? All I see is a hideous little zombie girl.
All I see is a mother directing her child away from an Oscar.
Away from it? I think toward an Oscar is what you meant to say.
We need to go sneak Princess into Heather's school.
Wanna come? I sure don't want to stay here.
I was once told I was a less-attractive Joan Fontaine.
(Arguing continues) Okay, we're gonna sneak across the school grounds, and put Princess back in Heather's room without anyone seeing us.
We're all suited up and ready to go.
Except for one person who misunderstood the plan.
I didn't misunderstand.
I'm the diversion.
I'm gonna draw attention to myself so you guys can sneak through.
Tyler, that is the most ridic actually, it kinda makes sense.
Why didn't you say something in the car when I was going on and on about why you were wearing a woopie cushion costume.
I tried, but every time you said "woopie," I giggled.
(Giggles) Woopie.
We just have to drop Princess off like she never left.
It's late enough.
The campus should be pretty much deserted.
Thank you all for coming.
It's a good thing the news cares mostly about personal things happening to rich people.
So is the coast clear? In the words of Lou Costello, ma-ma-ma-ma! I don't get that reference.
In the words of Lucy, ugh!! Nope.
The campus is full of people.
(As Jack Benny) Well You know Jack Benny? Who? I was just doing Dad.
Look, we have big problems.
The place is crawling with media and police.
There's no way we can sneak Princess back into Heather's school.
British accent) All the Wretch has to do is bite one person and the zombie infection will spread.
What? I've got other things going on this week.
All right, it's time for my diversion.
I'm gonna get the crowd to follow me away from the school, so you guys can go through the courtyard and put Princess back in the dorm.
Woopie-ki-ay! Who wants to sit on me? Come on.
Whoo! Really? Nothing? America's forgotten how to laugh.
All right, the bad news is the diversion didn't work, Heather saw me, and she's coming this way.
- What's the good news? - I never said there was good news.
All right, Stan, you take Princess and the puppies, and get them out of here.
Heather's on her way over.
Come on, family.
Follow me into the woods.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Then go.
We're not people.
What are you doing here? I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
Ugh, what are you doing here? Well, we were very distraught that Princess is missing, so we came down to help find her.
And why are you dressed like that? Because Well, we formed a new hip-hop group called Da Kommando Crew, featuring MC Woopie Cushion.
I don't believe you.
I'm gonna have you arrested.
Oh, yeah? Well, check it.
One-two, one-two.
(Beat boxing) (Rapping) The Kommando with a K Rules of grammar, go away 'Cause we're hard like that Woopie Cushion helps my flow Hit the deck, he's gonna blow (Sound of air escaping) (Farting sound) That flow is tight.
I might now have you arrested if you leave right now.
I'm feeling such a swirl of emotions.
Concerned about the situation with Princess, yet exhilarated about the success of our impromptu rap group.
I've got an idea.
I hid Princess and the puppies next to an old cavern.
We could pretend Princess is trapped in there, and you guys could say that you found her and return her to Heather without being blamed for her disappearance.
- Great plan, Stan.
- I think this is gonna work.
- I guess so.
- What's the matter, Tyler? I'm beginning to think I wore this woopie cushion for nothing.
You do realize, Ellen, that my years of directing experience make me uniquely qualified to help Chloe understand how the part of Wretch should be played.
Bennett, I have been an unofficial understudy in multiple theatrical productions.
I'm in the front row, in costume, ready to jump on stage if the actress ever falls off stage after being distracted by seeing someone in the front row dressed just like her.
I think I know how to play this part.
Oh, really? Watch and learn.
(British accent) Please, Mummy, I'm tired of eating brains.
(British accent) Can't I have cake and oranges and brains like normal children? (Chomping sounds) I want to go to a school with others like me.
I want to go from being a zom-B student to being a zom-A student.
(Both) I want to go to Necropolis High! I love you so much.
I love you so much.
The cavern was around here somewhere, and so were Princess and the puppies.
And now, all of those things are missing.
Spread out, guys.
(Freddy) Who's up there? Freddy? (Screaming) (Farting sound) Whoa.
The woopie cushion broke my fall.
I didn't wear it for nothing.
Hey, there you guys are.
So I guess we're stuck down here.
Help! Help!! - Tyler? - Help! Where are you? (Screams, woopie cushion makes farting sound) Hey, you fell on me.
Avery, where are you? (Screams, woopie cushion makes farting sound) Thanks, Tyler.
(All screaming for help) Avery, Tyler, Chloe.
Are you guys okay? Yeah, and Princess, Gracie and Freddy are down here too.
We're all okay.
We jumped down here.
It was fun.
Just like Daddy would do.
You guys are down there because you copied what I do? Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
If I'd set a better example, you wouldn't have broken your mommy out.
You wouldn't be trapped right now.
Tyler, you're right.
I'm a father now.
Can't act like this.
A father is supposed to make his children safe.
I Daddy, can you tell us this later when we're not stuck in a hole? Oh, right, yes.
I'll get out of this costume and go get help.
Hurry.
My woopie cushion is running out of air.
I don't have much time.
And another thing.
(Barking) Why is that dog barking? I'm giving a speech about how much I love animals.
Somebody shut him up.
So frustrating being a talking dog and not being able to talk.
(Barking continues) I think that adorable dog is trying to tell us something.
(Barking) (High-pitched voice) I think we should follow the handsome dog.
Follow those majestic hindquarters.
So you got Princess back.
The media's calling your dog a hero for finding Princess in the cavern, but I don't buy it.
I still think you stole Princess and covered it up.
You're dog thieves, but totally put me on the list for your next show.
I love Da Kommando Crew featuring MC Woopie Cushion as much as I hate all of you.
You wanna see the next show? One-two, one-two.
(Beat boxing) Just saved Princess - Everybody cheer - Get those hands up, y'all.
Just don't put us on TV 'Cause Mom and Dad don't know we're here From now on, I'm gonna work so hard to be a good example for my puppies.
'Cause I realized they're gonna follow my example whether I want them to or not.
Hey, you guys are blogging, just like Daddy.
I'm shooting birds.
I'm bidding for things online.
If you put enough zeroes, you always win.
I got a boat! And my kids aren't the only ones learning something from a parent.
Well, I saw online, I didn't get the part.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
You know, we went online earlier and saw they were auditioning for the parent roles.
- You guys didn't get it.
- Oh, injustice! Actors.