Everybody Loves Raymond s03e20 Episode Script

Debra, did you want something? Oh.
False alarm.
Don't get up.
Can you move over, please, a little? Deb? Debra? Deb? Oh.
Get outta here.
Ray, did you hear that? - What's this? Did you sleep down here? - No, no, no.
I didn't want to keep you up while I was reading.
Really? What were you reading? A book.
Yeah? Which one? Yeah, the one, uh some people die and then there's a picnic.
Did you figure out how to unscramble the naked channel? No! Did you? Why are you down here? Are you okay? Yeah, sure, sure.
Whatever.
- What? - What? You said whatever weird.
I say a lot of things weird.
What, you think you say it so perfect? Ray.
All right, look.
The reason I came down here is 'cause sometimes you're you're too on me.
What? In bed when we're sleeping, you don't stay on your side and then sometimes I can't sleep.
Oh, what are you saying? I hog the bed? I know you're small, but that's in regular space, you know? In bed space, you're like one of those things in the scary movies with all the arms.
And wherever you go on the spaceship you can't get away from it.
Hey, where is he? He's not over here? Then, whoa! Aahhh! Aah! I'm sorry.
I'll try to stay on my side from now on.
And not touch me.
- Not touch you? - Okay, great.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What the hell are you talking about? It's just hard for me to sleep with touching.
Me touching you? Oh my God, Ray! You know most husbands like cuddling with their wives.
No they don't.
- Yes, they do! - No! Nobody likes that! Nobody! The only time a guy likes cuddling is if he thinks it's gonna lead to to lower cuddling.
I don't believe it.
When did this start? When we started sleeping together.
So you haven't said anything for nine years? I wouldn't have said anything now.
Have you slept down here before? Just a couple of times.
Look, I don't have to do it anymore.
I'm happy just to suffer through it, that's all.
Suffer through it? All right.
Suffer might have been the wrong word.
Look, the touching never use to bother me before! It's just maybe it's 'cause I'm older.
You know? Things change.
Like now I can't handle anything hickory-smoked.
Maybe you should get outta here, Ray? You never know when I'm gonna touch you in a non-sexual way.
Oh, come on.
Don't be mad.
Don't be mad? Look, you wanna know something? I'll tell you the truth.
This is my grandmother's fault Nonny Barone.
Yes, of course, Nonny Barone, the woman who brought dysfunction to America.
No, this is gonna sound dumb, but, every summer we had to visit her in Yonkers.
She had this tiny apartment.
Robert and I went to bed on the fold-out couch.
All night long, he'd be up against me.
I couldn't breathe.
I was like, suffocating.
I couldn't do anything.
I couldn't say anything because he'd wake up and then he'd laugh and try to crush me.
And if I screamed to stop him, Nonny Barone would come in and yell at me for the screaming.
So, most nights I just lay there awake.
That's it.
I don't know.
I've never gotten over that.
I'm sorry.
I never thought about it before, but that's gotta be it, you know? But listen, it's my problem, all right? You just you touch me all you want.
I'll huddle, cuddle, hug, snug.
Do it all because it'll be good for me.
Oh, that's no.
It's okay.
I mean, I didn't know that, so I'll try to give you some more room, okay? - Hey, jambalaya! - Mm-hm.
- Coffee? - Nope, no coffee.
I drank it all.
I am very tired.
- Really? - Mm.
Eh.
- Where are you going? - Across the street to get some coffee.
Oh sure, have your mother think I'm so terrible I can't even give my husband his morning coffee.
Aw, come on.
She thinks that already.
- Hey, Ray.
- Hey, no coffee.
She drank it all.
- Oh hi, Robert.
- Hey, is Ally here? No, she went to school.
But she was suppose to take me for show and tell.
Today's things that begin with "P".
Oh, police officer.
Hey, Deb, you okay? No, I couldn't get comfortable sleeping last night.
And you know what? It's all your fault.
That's right.
How come you had to torture Ray at Nonny Barone's? - What do you mean? - You know, when you were kids and you slept on the pull-out couch together.
We never slept on a pull-out couch together.
Yes, you did.
At Nonny Barone's little apartment in Yonkers.
Apartment? She had a nice house.
We each had our own room.
Oh, those were happy times.
Okay! Got some coffee and bag of Mom's homemade jelly doughnuts.
Liar! Really, they're from scratch.
You made up that whole story, didn't you, Ray?! Nonny Barone, the apartment, the pull-out sofa bed.
You never slept with Robert, did you, Ray?! It was all a lie! You liar! - It wasn't a lie! - Oh, Robert told me! - Okay, it was a lie! - Why did you lie to me?! I didn't want you to feel bad about me not wanting to touch you! - You don't want Debra to touch you? - Do you mind? That's right, Robert! My husband doesn't want me to touch him! Only in bed! I, um I'm late for show and tell.
Yeah and I am nuts for wanting to cuddle with you or be anywhere near you in the first place.
You need some help! - Honey, please.
- No, no.
No more honey.
No more honey.
You don't want anyone touching you in bed, Ray? No problem.
Look, I just I can't sleep with you on me.
- What do you want me to do? - Just forget it, Ray.
Okay, I'm fine.
- Jelly doughnut? - Yes.
It's a massacre in there.
Father Hubley? What? Oh, Raymond.
Yeah, how you doing, Father? I was just in the neighborhood.
- Do you want something? - Yeah, um listen, I'm having this problem and all the real shrinks are booked up for six weeks.
How flattering.
Yeah, so can I sit? Not in my chair.
It was kind of Debra's idea for me to talk to somebody.
We had this discussion fight not really a fight, I mean, nobody got hurt.
Well, the jelly doughnuts.
What did you and Debra fight about? I'm having trouble sleeping with her.
Uh, wait a minute.
- You have feelings for another woman? - No, no, no.
- A man? - No! This is what the wait a minute is about.
I mean sleep as in asleep.
Oh, you mean actually sleep.
Yes! Thank you, yeah.
You know, like, she's over here.
and then then she moves over here, you know? And I gotta move over here.
And she touches me and then then she hugs and then she holds.
Oh, believe me, you're better off without it.
Maybe it would help if we looked at this from Debra's perspective.
Why? Well, to, uh understand why she does what she does.
Why do you think she needs to touch you at night when you're trying to sleep? I got nothing.
Uh, Raymond, I want you to close your eyes.
- Why? - Close them.
Close them! Now.
Try to imagine that you are Debra.
I need new shoes! As Debra what is happening in your life that makes you want to cling to your husband in bed? Hold on, when I tap myself on this side it sounds much more muffled than this side.
Open your eyes, Raymond.
Open them, open them! Sorry, sorry.
Hey, where's my wallet? Kidding! Raymond.
Maybe Debra's missing a sense of intimacy.
She may not feel close to you during the day, so she seeks out that closeness at night.
That makes sense.
What do you mean? Do you touch her during the day? Do you kiss her? Stroke her hair? Hold her hand? Okay.
See, we're married.
You need to show your loved ones how much you care.
It doesn't end with the honeymoon, Raymond.
I know.
You should express your love to Debra all day long.
Go home and show her how much you love her.
Now.
- Now? - Now, right now.
Go.
- Go.
Hurry.
- Okay, thank you.
- Yeah, go.
- Thank you, Father.
Thank you.
Bless me.
Oh my God! Frank, you're suppose to watch the children.
What does it look like I'm doing? - That one's about to spill something.
- No, Geoffrey! Oh! All right, Marie? Just give me a second and I'll help you empty those bags.
Nonsense, dear.
I know where things should go.
Come on, guys.
Let's get out of this mess.
Let's go.
Boys, come on.
Let's go.
Out, out, out, out, out.
There you go.
Ew! Oh, God.
Hey, cranapple.
Oh, you're here.
What? I'm just trying to say hello to Debra.
Hello.
So say hello.
Don't make a meal out of it! You know, you could kiss me hello, Frank.
How about a kiss goodbye? Do you mind? I'd like to be alone with my wife.
Why? He's trying to make up for whatever it is he did wrong.
What did he do, kill somebody? Don't give me any ideas.
Hey, you.
Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
What are you doing, Ray? Nothing.
Just trying to show my loved one that how much I care does not end on the honeymoon.
What? Ray, come on, what? Are you helping me or what? Yeah, no.
I'm just trying to, uh What? Are you trying to make up with me? I forgive you.
Get a mop.
I don't want to mop.
I just want to touch you a little.
- What? - No, not like that! I'm trying to be generally affectionate.
- Come on, get in on some of this.
- No, please.
Would you stop? Sweep up the Cheerios.
Okay? All right, but I want it noted that I was trying to touch you.
I'm sure it will come up during the insanity hearing.
Where is all this coming from? From God.
I guess I gotta note that too.
Actually, I went to see Father Hubley.
Father Hubley? Yeah, well, you told me that I should go see somebody.
And he told you to annoy me? That seems mean.
He told me I'm your husband and I should be more affectionate.
And I thought I should be.
And I want to be.
You really went to see someone about your problem? Yeah.
You did that for me? Yeah, well, you know, 'cause you know.
Mushy banana.
Come on.
Let's go wash our hands together.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Oh.
What? Nothing.
I just I thought with everything that I did today, that you know, you might not need me to keep doing it at night.
That's why you were being so affectionate? You're trying to get all your affection out of the way so you could sleep untouched?! I need my sleep 'cause I gotta do it all over again tomorrow.
Don't bother.
Well I, uh well I can't sleep like this either.
Did it ever occur to you that you could cuddle me? Huh? Why don't you hold me till I fall asleep and then you can sleep any way you want? I could do that.
How long do you think it's gonna take till you fall asleep? It depends on how much my husband has aggravated me today.
- Oh, so I guess just a few seconds.
- Yeah.
- Good night.
- Good night.
So a policeman's job is to protect and to serve and to make all of us feel safe.
I want to thank you for having me in for show and tell.
And, uh, are there any questions? Are you a giant? Not really.
Any questions about being a police officer? Yes, you.
Could I climb on you? Uh, not right now.
I think I have time for one more question.
Are you going to eat us?