Get Smart (1965) s03e20 Episode Script
The Wax Max
I've got him now, 99.
- Shoot, Max.
Hurry! - ( gunshot ) You missed! Lead him! Lead him! Will you stop yelling in my ear? - You're making me nervous.
- ( gunshot ) - You missed again, Max! - I know I missed again.
Don't stand so close to me.
You're breathing down my barrel.
- But he's getting away! - ( gunshot ) He's not getting away.
He got away.
Oh, that's okay, Max.
You'll get the duck next time.
Forget it, 99.
There'll be no next time.
I've already invested $8.
40 in this, and I've come to one positive conclusion-- - What's that? - I don't have any more money.
That's okay.
I've got lots of money.
Thank you anyway, 99, but it's a waste of time.
I happen to know that the barrel of this gun is warped.
- It does look a little warped.
- It certainly is.
One of the world's greatest philosophers Genghis Khan once said that a warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
Who said that, Max? - Genghis Khan? - Would you mind repeating that, buddy? Certainly not.
A warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
Of course it sounds a lot better in Chinese.
Your friend is right.
Here, lady, shoot.
He also said that he who returns to the bottomless well How does the rest of that go, 99? I don't know, Max.
I seldom read Genghis Khan.
Oh.
I heard you the first time.
Go ahead, lady, shoot.
It's on the house.
The duck.
The rabbit.
The clay pipe.
All right, all right, 99.
There's no need to make a spectacle out of yourself.
- People are looking at you.
- Sorry, Max.
Here, you won the kewpie doll.
But I don't want a kewpie doll.
I want a lace pillow that says "Mother.
" Keep the kewpie doll, Max.
It's a much better prize.
Well, all right, but I still think a lace pillow that says "Mother" would look nicer in my bedroom.
Here, you can have this, 99-- - Thank you, Max.
- --but just until we get home.
"A warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
" A warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
What? - A warped-- - I heard ya, I heard ya.
Give me the kewpie doll.
I just-- Well, somebody else-- - I just gave it away.
- You gave it away?! Well, only after he gave me the password.
- Impossible! - But he did! I'll get it back.
My barrel is not warped.
( theme music playing ) ( seagulls squawking ) the relish, please? - How does is taste? - Airy.
Airy? Yes, I should have waited for the relish.
Here, try the mustard.
Oh, good idea.
Boy, you must really have been hungry.
Yes.
I didn't think I was.
- Do you want another one? - No, they're not very filling.
( clicks ) That's much better.
It needed a little seasoning.
Come on, 99, let's go.
It has taken me years to perfect this drop, and you ruin it.
Incredible, absolutely incredible.
But it-- it wasn't my fault.
He-- he gave the right password.
Please, Mr.
Waxman, have a heart.
Yours.
You should have known.
The Great Waxman accepts no excuses.
There are no excuses.
There is only perfection.
You fired at them and missed.
You are a dummy.
- Take him.
- No! ( scuffling ) My children, my beautiful children, be happy.
You will soon have a new playmate.
I'm making an addition to our electric chair display.
Waxman.
A beady-eyed man with a pretty dark-haired girl-- they have the kewpie doll.
But this is for kids, 99.
But kids have fun.
Well, I'd rather go on the dodge-'em carts.
Oh, Max, for me.
Empty the park and then kill them.
You're acting silly, 99.
I know I am, but it's our day off.
Well, all right, but separate boats.
Max.
Is there anything wrong? Nothing.
You want me to hold your kewpie doll? No, it's for her.
She'll need company.
You see, we're just friends.
( snaps ) Max! That looks so real! Don't be ridiculous, 99.
This is for kids.
That didn't turn me on at all.
Hmph, I wonder what Dr.
Spock would have to say about this kind of love.
Max, that's a real arrow! ( gasps ) - Max, that's real fire! - Don't be ridiculous, 99-- but it did light my cigarette.
Max, something's wrong.
Something certainly is wrong.
Whoever built this tunnel of love has a lot to learn about togetherness.
Max! Somebody tried to get the kewpie doll.
Give it to them.
Maybe they'll leave us alone.
No, Max, there must be some reason.
I'm scared.
Here, hold my hand.
Now does that feel better? No.
you're not holding my hand.
I'm not holding your hand.
I asked you not to tell me that.
( grunts ) Max, we've got to get out of here.
Come on, 99, follow me.
Max, there must be an emergency exit.
Now why would there be an emergency exit in a tunnel of love? For emergencies, Max.
Look, there it is.
Hmm.
Max, look! Max, it's deserted.
Everyone's disappeared.
Not everybody.
( gunshot ) ( gunshots ) Come on, 99.
Oh, Max, I'm exhausted.
I can't go any further.
We've got to keep going.
This place is swarming with Kaos agents.
I know that.
That's why we can't stand out here.
We've got to find a place to hide.
Well, what about in there? Are you kidding? There are gollywoggles in there.
Come on.
Oh, Max, we'll never get out of here alive.
- We need help.
- You're right, 99.
- Come on, let's get over this.
- Oh.
Max, we're gonna be trapped in here.
You keep an eye out, 99.
I'll contact the chief.
( gunshots continue ) - Hello, Chief? - Hello, Max.
What's wrong? Your voice sounds scratchy.
Oh, it must be the sand in the shoe, Chief.
- Where are you? - At the beach in the amusement park.
I'm with 99.
Oh.
Are you enjoying yourself? Well not exactly, Chief.
You see, they emptied out the amusement park, and now someone's trying to kill us.
Max, as usual you're not making any sense.
Start from the beginning.
Uh, from the beginning.
Right, Chief.
The trouble all started when we came to the shooting gallery.
I complained about a gun that had a warped barrel, so the attendant gave 99 another gun.
Then I won a prize, but I wanted the lace pillow that said "Mother.
" Yes, Max, a lace pillow that said "Mother.
" But I didn't get the lace pillow that said "Mother.
" I got a kewpie doll because the attendant said, "You'd better take the kewpie doll.
" and 99 said, "Yes, you take the kewpie doll.
" So I took the kewpie doll.
Then I ate a hot dog that wasn't very filling.
Max, get back to the kewpie doll.
Examine it closely.
Well, it looks like just an ordinary - girl kewpie doll to me, Chief.
- Max, look.
There's some kind of shiny metal under here.
I was right, Chief.
It's not an ordinary girl kewpie doll.
It's got some kind of shiny metal underneath.
Max! No wonder they're shooting at us.
This kewpie doll is made of some kind of radioactive substance.
Chief, I've just made another startling discovery-- this kewpie doll is made of some kind of radioactive substance.
Max, you've found it-- the Kaos plutonium drop.
Shipments have been leaving this country and we couldn't figure out from where.
It must be from the amusement park.
I'll get there as soon as I can.
Right, Chief.
- The chief is on his way.
- Good.
( clicking ) ( silence ) ( silent ) Listen, I wonder if you could tell us which way the nearest exit is.
( foreign accent ) For you there is no exit.
No exit.
But first, may I have the doll? Should I give it to him, Max? Forget it, 99.
I can take care of these dummies.
( groans ) Ahem.
Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the dummies.
( gunshot ) - Where are we, Max? - In a dark room.
- But where? - Obviously, in a dark building.
- I hear water, Max.
- Make that a wet dark building.
Max, look, the dragon.
We're back in the tunnel of love! I know that, 99.
I was just waiting to see how long it would take you to know it.
We've got to get out of here, Max! We're not going anywhere, 99.
We're staying right here.
Don't you know the first principle of eluding pursuers? When the fox is being chased by the hunters, the first thing he does is double back in his tracks-- that way he completely confuses the hunters.
Dracula: They must be in here.
Unfortunately, we're not foxes.
Come on.
Max, I have a map of the park.
There's an exit near here.
We go further.
Come, Frankie.
Yes, there's one right by the merry-go-round.
Come on, 99.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go.
( gunshots ) ( carnival waltz playing ) ( gunshots continue ) ( clicks ) Come on, Max.
- 99, remind me to come back here.
- Why is that? That's a terrific ride for a dime.
Waxman! They killed Frankie.
They're right behind me.
Fools.
Bumblers.
I'm surrounded by ineptitude.
I couldn't help it.
What could I do? Shut up.
Get into your coffin.
Hold it, 99.
You stay here while I check the place out.
Right, Max.
( gasps ) Don't ever do that! ( gasps ) Oh, Max, he looks so real.
Oh, 99, I see these all the time in the movies from under the seat.
Max, this man's the attendant in the shooting gallery! Don't be ridiculous, 99! He's wax.
And so is he.
( gasps ) Listen, are you sure you don't know the way to the nearest exit? You two will make a lovely exhibit.
Well, 99, we finally got into show business.
Help! You can yell all you want, young lady.
The park is deserted.
Unfortunately, you discovered our plutonium drop.
Once a week a Kaos submarine picks up a plutonium kewpie doll.
Soon we shall gain control over the world supply and the entire world will become our own personal chamber of horrors.
Okay, Waxman, that's it.
You're under arrest.
Get your things.
We're going downtown.
No, we're not going anywhere.
You don't actually think you can get away with this, do you? What do you intend to do about it? I plan to cry a lot.
You see, Waxman, in a situation like this you have to use your head.
Uh, what I mean is that I know that you plan to wax us.
So what I'm gonna do is to cry a lot.
That way people will see tears on my cheeks and they'll know that I died unhappy and that you're rotten.
Brilliant, Mr.
Smart.
But unfortunately you won't have a head.
No head? You see, the guillotine is real.
- ( 99 gasps ) - And you, Madame DeFarge, will merely sit by knitting and watch while Sydney Carton gives his head to Kaos.
Then it will be your turn.
Max, do something! Do something! Uh Ah, yes.
It is a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
Oh, Max, you were right.
I should have let you get the lace pillow that said "Mother.
" Au revoir, Monsieur Smart.
Release the blade, Drackie.
( whimpers ) Good night, sweet prince, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
( gasps ) ( screams ) ( blows ) Max! How in the world did you do it? The old inflatable-head-in-the-cloak trick, 99.
Oh, Max.
Max, look.
How horrible! Yes, he died as one of his own exhibits.
If he had only used his wax for niceness instead of evil.
( theme music playing )
- Shoot, Max.
Hurry! - ( gunshot ) You missed! Lead him! Lead him! Will you stop yelling in my ear? - You're making me nervous.
- ( gunshot ) - You missed again, Max! - I know I missed again.
Don't stand so close to me.
You're breathing down my barrel.
- But he's getting away! - ( gunshot ) He's not getting away.
He got away.
Oh, that's okay, Max.
You'll get the duck next time.
Forget it, 99.
There'll be no next time.
I've already invested $8.
40 in this, and I've come to one positive conclusion-- - What's that? - I don't have any more money.
That's okay.
I've got lots of money.
Thank you anyway, 99, but it's a waste of time.
I happen to know that the barrel of this gun is warped.
- It does look a little warped.
- It certainly is.
One of the world's greatest philosophers Genghis Khan once said that a warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
Who said that, Max? - Genghis Khan? - Would you mind repeating that, buddy? Certainly not.
A warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
Of course it sounds a lot better in Chinese.
Your friend is right.
Here, lady, shoot.
He also said that he who returns to the bottomless well How does the rest of that go, 99? I don't know, Max.
I seldom read Genghis Khan.
Oh.
I heard you the first time.
Go ahead, lady, shoot.
It's on the house.
The duck.
The rabbit.
The clay pipe.
All right, all right, 99.
There's no need to make a spectacle out of yourself.
- People are looking at you.
- Sorry, Max.
Here, you won the kewpie doll.
But I don't want a kewpie doll.
I want a lace pillow that says "Mother.
" Keep the kewpie doll, Max.
It's a much better prize.
Well, all right, but I still think a lace pillow that says "Mother" would look nicer in my bedroom.
Here, you can have this, 99-- - Thank you, Max.
- --but just until we get home.
"A warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
" A warped barrel is a fool's frustration.
What? - A warped-- - I heard ya, I heard ya.
Give me the kewpie doll.
I just-- Well, somebody else-- - I just gave it away.
- You gave it away?! Well, only after he gave me the password.
- Impossible! - But he did! I'll get it back.
My barrel is not warped.
( theme music playing ) ( seagulls squawking ) the relish, please? - How does is taste? - Airy.
Airy? Yes, I should have waited for the relish.
Here, try the mustard.
Oh, good idea.
Boy, you must really have been hungry.
Yes.
I didn't think I was.
- Do you want another one? - No, they're not very filling.
( clicks ) That's much better.
It needed a little seasoning.
Come on, 99, let's go.
It has taken me years to perfect this drop, and you ruin it.
Incredible, absolutely incredible.
But it-- it wasn't my fault.
He-- he gave the right password.
Please, Mr.
Waxman, have a heart.
Yours.
You should have known.
The Great Waxman accepts no excuses.
There are no excuses.
There is only perfection.
You fired at them and missed.
You are a dummy.
- Take him.
- No! ( scuffling ) My children, my beautiful children, be happy.
You will soon have a new playmate.
I'm making an addition to our electric chair display.
Waxman.
A beady-eyed man with a pretty dark-haired girl-- they have the kewpie doll.
But this is for kids, 99.
But kids have fun.
Well, I'd rather go on the dodge-'em carts.
Oh, Max, for me.
Empty the park and then kill them.
You're acting silly, 99.
I know I am, but it's our day off.
Well, all right, but separate boats.
Max.
Is there anything wrong? Nothing.
You want me to hold your kewpie doll? No, it's for her.
She'll need company.
You see, we're just friends.
( snaps ) Max! That looks so real! Don't be ridiculous, 99.
This is for kids.
That didn't turn me on at all.
Hmph, I wonder what Dr.
Spock would have to say about this kind of love.
Max, that's a real arrow! ( gasps ) - Max, that's real fire! - Don't be ridiculous, 99-- but it did light my cigarette.
Max, something's wrong.
Something certainly is wrong.
Whoever built this tunnel of love has a lot to learn about togetherness.
Max! Somebody tried to get the kewpie doll.
Give it to them.
Maybe they'll leave us alone.
No, Max, there must be some reason.
I'm scared.
Here, hold my hand.
Now does that feel better? No.
you're not holding my hand.
I'm not holding your hand.
I asked you not to tell me that.
( grunts ) Max, we've got to get out of here.
Come on, 99, follow me.
Max, there must be an emergency exit.
Now why would there be an emergency exit in a tunnel of love? For emergencies, Max.
Look, there it is.
Hmm.
Max, look! Max, it's deserted.
Everyone's disappeared.
Not everybody.
( gunshot ) ( gunshots ) Come on, 99.
Oh, Max, I'm exhausted.
I can't go any further.
We've got to keep going.
This place is swarming with Kaos agents.
I know that.
That's why we can't stand out here.
We've got to find a place to hide.
Well, what about in there? Are you kidding? There are gollywoggles in there.
Come on.
Oh, Max, we'll never get out of here alive.
- We need help.
- You're right, 99.
- Come on, let's get over this.
- Oh.
Max, we're gonna be trapped in here.
You keep an eye out, 99.
I'll contact the chief.
( gunshots continue ) - Hello, Chief? - Hello, Max.
What's wrong? Your voice sounds scratchy.
Oh, it must be the sand in the shoe, Chief.
- Where are you? - At the beach in the amusement park.
I'm with 99.
Oh.
Are you enjoying yourself? Well not exactly, Chief.
You see, they emptied out the amusement park, and now someone's trying to kill us.
Max, as usual you're not making any sense.
Start from the beginning.
Uh, from the beginning.
Right, Chief.
The trouble all started when we came to the shooting gallery.
I complained about a gun that had a warped barrel, so the attendant gave 99 another gun.
Then I won a prize, but I wanted the lace pillow that said "Mother.
" Yes, Max, a lace pillow that said "Mother.
" But I didn't get the lace pillow that said "Mother.
" I got a kewpie doll because the attendant said, "You'd better take the kewpie doll.
" and 99 said, "Yes, you take the kewpie doll.
" So I took the kewpie doll.
Then I ate a hot dog that wasn't very filling.
Max, get back to the kewpie doll.
Examine it closely.
Well, it looks like just an ordinary - girl kewpie doll to me, Chief.
- Max, look.
There's some kind of shiny metal under here.
I was right, Chief.
It's not an ordinary girl kewpie doll.
It's got some kind of shiny metal underneath.
Max! No wonder they're shooting at us.
This kewpie doll is made of some kind of radioactive substance.
Chief, I've just made another startling discovery-- this kewpie doll is made of some kind of radioactive substance.
Max, you've found it-- the Kaos plutonium drop.
Shipments have been leaving this country and we couldn't figure out from where.
It must be from the amusement park.
I'll get there as soon as I can.
Right, Chief.
- The chief is on his way.
- Good.
( clicking ) ( silence ) ( silent ) Listen, I wonder if you could tell us which way the nearest exit is.
( foreign accent ) For you there is no exit.
No exit.
But first, may I have the doll? Should I give it to him, Max? Forget it, 99.
I can take care of these dummies.
( groans ) Ahem.
Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the dummies.
( gunshot ) - Where are we, Max? - In a dark room.
- But where? - Obviously, in a dark building.
- I hear water, Max.
- Make that a wet dark building.
Max, look, the dragon.
We're back in the tunnel of love! I know that, 99.
I was just waiting to see how long it would take you to know it.
We've got to get out of here, Max! We're not going anywhere, 99.
We're staying right here.
Don't you know the first principle of eluding pursuers? When the fox is being chased by the hunters, the first thing he does is double back in his tracks-- that way he completely confuses the hunters.
Dracula: They must be in here.
Unfortunately, we're not foxes.
Come on.
Max, I have a map of the park.
There's an exit near here.
We go further.
Come, Frankie.
Yes, there's one right by the merry-go-round.
Come on, 99.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go.
( gunshots ) ( carnival waltz playing ) ( gunshots continue ) ( clicks ) Come on, Max.
- 99, remind me to come back here.
- Why is that? That's a terrific ride for a dime.
Waxman! They killed Frankie.
They're right behind me.
Fools.
Bumblers.
I'm surrounded by ineptitude.
I couldn't help it.
What could I do? Shut up.
Get into your coffin.
Hold it, 99.
You stay here while I check the place out.
Right, Max.
( gasps ) Don't ever do that! ( gasps ) Oh, Max, he looks so real.
Oh, 99, I see these all the time in the movies from under the seat.
Max, this man's the attendant in the shooting gallery! Don't be ridiculous, 99! He's wax.
And so is he.
( gasps ) Listen, are you sure you don't know the way to the nearest exit? You two will make a lovely exhibit.
Well, 99, we finally got into show business.
Help! You can yell all you want, young lady.
The park is deserted.
Unfortunately, you discovered our plutonium drop.
Once a week a Kaos submarine picks up a plutonium kewpie doll.
Soon we shall gain control over the world supply and the entire world will become our own personal chamber of horrors.
Okay, Waxman, that's it.
You're under arrest.
Get your things.
We're going downtown.
No, we're not going anywhere.
You don't actually think you can get away with this, do you? What do you intend to do about it? I plan to cry a lot.
You see, Waxman, in a situation like this you have to use your head.
Uh, what I mean is that I know that you plan to wax us.
So what I'm gonna do is to cry a lot.
That way people will see tears on my cheeks and they'll know that I died unhappy and that you're rotten.
Brilliant, Mr.
Smart.
But unfortunately you won't have a head.
No head? You see, the guillotine is real.
- ( 99 gasps ) - And you, Madame DeFarge, will merely sit by knitting and watch while Sydney Carton gives his head to Kaos.
Then it will be your turn.
Max, do something! Do something! Uh Ah, yes.
It is a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
Oh, Max, you were right.
I should have let you get the lace pillow that said "Mother.
" Au revoir, Monsieur Smart.
Release the blade, Drackie.
( whimpers ) Good night, sweet prince, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
( gasps ) ( screams ) ( blows ) Max! How in the world did you do it? The old inflatable-head-in-the-cloak trick, 99.
Oh, Max.
Max, look.
How horrible! Yes, he died as one of his own exhibits.
If he had only used his wax for niceness instead of evil.
( theme music playing )