Happy Endings s03e20 Episode Script

Guys, I'm not gonna lie.
It has been one hell of a month for old Pen.
Broken engage, infested condo, Glen Beck put his fingers in my mouth.
That's the last time we go to one of his book signings ironically.
Yeah.
Ironically.
But I do wanna thank my temporary roomies Brad and Jane for your hospitality, your support, and your vast collection of cashmere throws.
Cotton irritates my nipsey russells.
Hey, watch your mouth when you're talking about the fabric of our lives.
I think I've earned the right to talk about cotton any way I damn well please.
I believe you have, sir.
I'm secretly glad that your exterminator's taking so long.
It's been so nice having you stay with us.
- We're like a-a little family.
- Yeah! Yeah, Brad's the dad, Jane's the mom, and Penny's the little baby with the thick knockers.
Which she clearly got from my side of the family.
- Hey.
- What? She got them big thangs.
You got them bee stings.
Yeah, I do.
- Bzz! - All right.
- Okay, okay - Gross.
Hey, Penny! Hey, Shaun! Hey, I wanna apologize for that workout mix I gave you.
There was way too much better than Ezra on there.
No, it was great.
I didn't even know they had more than one song.
All right, cool.
I'll see you in cardio sculpt? Cardio sculpt? - I hope to.
Bye.
- Bye.
Oh.
Who was that slice of peach pie? - Cute, right? - Suh kyut, Penny.
I mean, you should take him to Bone Town.
You know that rib joint on Halsted? I love that place.
I don't know.
He asked me out, but I don't think I'm ready for another relationship yet.
I mean, this whole Pete thing has been such a roller coaster.
Ups, downs, barfing.
I just I'm still pretty bummed out.
I know you are, sweetie, but no one's talking about a relationship, okay? You need a fling, nothing serious.
I have got it.
I am gonna host a no pressure, double dinner date for you and Shaun at our place.
And like five out of five frat guys, I am not gonna take no for an answer.
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! - All right! Okay! Okay! I'll call him.
- Do it! Do it! Do it! Do-- Thank you.
Guys, put your wallets away because this dinner is on me.
Run! Guys, what part of "dinner's on me, flawless diversion, run!" did you not understand? Dude, you can't dine and dash at Rosalita's.
We come here, like, six times a day.
I know.
I am just, like, hella broke right now.
Hey! Just droppin' off this month's rent.
Dude, you gotta get a job.
I know.
I-I'm gonna get a job.
I just need to borrow, like, a thousand dollars for my resume.
And rent.
And a business formal tie.
And beer.
And transportation to a job interview.
And a frog costume.
Frog costume? Oh, say no more, my friend.
I got extra money for that.
Knock, knock, Jane! Brad delivery service.
We pick that sweet ass up and bring that sweet ass home.
Oh.
Uh, Mr.
Sarofsky.
Jane said there was a luna bar in here.
I need the estrogen.
I'm trying to get rid of the stubble on my back.
Uch! I mean, cool.
So how's-- how's the missus? - Oh.
Candice? - Yeah.
She's great at being a huge bitch.
She kicked me out of the house, Brad, and now she's slapping me in the face with a big "D.
" - I'm sorry? - Divorce.
Oh! Wow.
Um, listen, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
Look, if you ever wanna talk-- Yeah, I do.
That'd be great.
How about tonight? Uh dinner party.
Jane and I have a dinner party tonight, so All right.
Well, I'll just hang out here anyway, probably sleep in a Corolla.
All alone, by myself, crying like a baby trapped in a well.
Do you wanna join us for dinner? Does the Car Czar have a camera in the women's bathroom? No, I do not and would not, but, yeah, I wanna come over for dinner.
Right on.
Hey, Boo.
I'm ready to go.
Great.
Uh, a tiny adorable addendum.
Car Czar's coming over for dinner.
Isn't that great? Uh 'Sup, shmorons.
Happy now? What do you mean? And how did you get in here? And why are you wearing my robe? I have keys, and I refuse to explain the robe.
You guys remember how you were on me to get a job? Well, I found an even better way to make some money.
I'm gonna be a contestant in Mr.
Super Gay Chicago.
Happy now? Oh, that's where that "happy now?" Goes.
- Mr.
what? - Super gay where? The super gay pageant they have every year at Rosalita's.
Grand prize is 1,000 bucks.
What better way to make some cash than a high-risk, unpredictable, subjective contest? I mean, it's foolproof.
Max, when we said "get a job," this is not what we meant.
This is so much better! It's awesome! And I can totally help you.
I have seen every episode of "Toddlers & Tiaras," "Pageant Kings," "Baby Queens," and "King Of Queens.
" - That last one is just a pageant of comedy where everyone wins.
- Of course.
And I can help, too.
When I was a kid, I was regional champ at junior mister, the young gentlemen's pageant.
You were in pageants as a kid? Uh, correction, officer.
I won pageants as a young adult.
Thanks, guys.
Queer he is Mr.
Super Gay Chicago We have a lot of work to do.
How could you invite the Car Czar over? He's clearly drunk and ruining Shaun and Penny's date.
I'm sorry.
When I'm in an awkward situation, I panic and invite people to things like when I invited that mall Santa to our wedding.
Oh, yeah.
I can't forget Darryl.
Don't worry.
Who's hungry? Whoa! Janie Where's the meat course? Huh? So far it feels like this dinner's been catered by Moby.
Boom! It is a vegetarian meal for Shaun, the guest we wanted and therefore invited.
Now, Shaun, what were you saying about complete proteins again? You can get all the amino acids you need from a rice-bean combo.
Oh, Shaun! Shaun! Come on! Meat is what makes your meat work.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Shaun, listen.
I get the whole double date thing, okay? And I don't wanna embarrass you in front of your gal.
But I really think we should wrestle.
What? Yeah.
I win, we eat steak.
You win, you shut up for the rest of your life.
Huh? What do you say, baby corn? Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's get this off.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
- You're gonna wanna move comfortably.
- Don't-- - Oh! - Let's get undressed.
Let's get this off.
- Whoa.
Okay.
- Let's get naked.
- Uh, o-okay.
This-- this is getting weird.
- It's gettin' really weird.
- Yeah, let's get weird.
- Um, I'm gonna go.
Sorry, Penny.
Sorry, Penny.
- No, Shaun.
- Let's get weird.
- No, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
- Shaun-- let's not get weird.
Shaun! - No.
You were gonna tell us about lentils! Must be his time of the month, huh? What the hell is wrong with you? I'm going to my room.
Uncle Freddie! Oh, you're up.
Again? How did you get in here? I slept here.
Okay, we need to work on my training for Mr.
Super Gay Chicago.
I went to orientation last night, and the competition is stiff.
They disqualified that guy, but the rest of the competition is pretty good.
Okay, let's get started.
I'm gonna teach you my winning routine from Junior Mister '94.
It was the cream de la cream.
_ They say we're young and we don't know won't find out until we grow Uh, Dave, welcome to the 31st century.
Okay? Max, to win, you need flash, flash, flash, and fire.
No.
Trust me, as a member of the small fraternity of willing, straight male pageant veterans, I know you need something a little more rare.
Class.
Whatever.
There's a bunch of categories, so we'll just divide it up.
Dave, you'll take Q&A and Talent.
Alex, you'll take Clubwear and Gay Fitness.
Fine, as long as Alex doesn't mess this up.
Uh, I think you have me confused with your hairstylist.
Count it.
I'll also be covering the category of stone-cold bitchy comebacks.
Yeah, babe! What just happened? Hey, Pen.
I just wanted to apologize for your date getting ruined last night.
I feel terrible that Brad invited the Car Czar.
Well, thank you for the apology.
I appreciate it.
But I gotta get ready for work so I'll see you guys later, okay? Bye! Babe, I got the caramel open.
Get your buns in here.
Oh my.
.
goodness.
Penny made a boo-boo.
Jane, you gotta get me out of this! Hey! Close the door! What, do you live in a barn?! So that's why you and Penny seeing each other is a bad idea.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean Thank you for the heads-up, Jane.
I had no idea she was a Democrat.
Well, I am gonna steer clear of that pro-Union whore.
Thank you.
So you're out of it.
Oh, thank God! Thank you, Jane.
You have saved my life.
Babe, what do you think of my tushie on a scale from 1 to mouthwatering? What is wrong with you? First of all, he is my boss.
Second of all, he is the grossest man I have ever met.
He has a standing order at the strip club behind the dealership-- eggs.
I know, but I've never been with a guy like him before.
He's brash and old-school, like Don Draper with twice the drinking and half the hair.
Plus the sex is amazing.
Okay, please don't judge me! Bye! We are not done talking about this! Mistake.
Mistake.
Mistake.
Mistake.
Mistake.
Okay, Max, the Mr.
Super Gay Chicago Q&A section is crucial.
First question-- frittata or quiche? - Well-- - Wrong answer.
I didn't even answer.
Don't be so literal, Max.
Does Dave Matthews sing "Ants Marching" because he wants to see ants marching? I don't know.
The man's a genius.
It's none of our business.
The point is, it's about style.
Now you see this? These are called ponder hands.
They make me look like I'm pondering the answer.
Now you try.
Where do you put your hands when you ponder? No, damn it! What's this? Is this what Alex has you wearing in Clubwear? Oh, my God.
That is absolutely Terrible? That's what he said about my Clubwear? I'm sorry, Max, but you look amazing.
Are you sure, Alex? 'Cause there's a breeze, like everywhere.
It's better to be memorable than boring.
Do you want to be Russell Brand or Russell bland? Are those my only two options? You have to act like you're bigger than this whole competition.
Forget ponder hands.
You need to practice your eye rolls.
Come on.
Throw some shade for papa.
Not big enough.
I wanna see only whites.
Dark pupils right to the back.
I realize that that sounds bad.
Okay, what do you do when you wanna look annoyed? Damn it! No, Max.
What is going on with you, Penny? You are a mess.
You look like Coolio after he takes his braids out.
I can't stop having sex with that Polish caveman.
I don't even like him.
I mean, he disgusts me.
But he has this magical hold on me.
And sometimes a real hold.
You ever gotten caught up in a North-South keylock? - Standing up or sitting down? - Both.
- Okay, Brad, stay on message.
- Right.
Penny, I say this with all the love in my heart-- you're disgusting to me.
Jane, I know.
Okay, but look, I think I've gotten it out of my system.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Ooh.
Oh, my God.
I did not invite him here, I swear! Crap.
Uh He has a magical hold over me, too.
I don't want him anywhere, but I have to invite him everywhere.
Hey! C-A-R to the Czar, 'bout to brunch it up like a rock star! - Yeah.
- Okay, you're in a band.
- I didn't want to do that.
- Hey, Janie, I need you to do those quarterly reports for me today.
I didn't get to 'em last night 'cause I was quote, unquote, busy making sex with the person to my left.
Please continue not to judge me.
- Ugh.
- Mmm.
Mm.
Uh I think that whipped cream has turned.
Hello, everyone! Welcome to the first night of Chicagoland's second gayest pageant.
I'm your host Josh Jill.
This is so cool! I know.
I haven't been this excited since I found out Donnie Wahlberg and I share the same birthday.
Well, one day apart.
Our first category is Gay Fitness, which is just like fitness, only gayer.
That was gay-rific.
Speaking of fat, here's Max Blum.
Yes! Wait.
What the hell is that? That's not what I told him.
No, it's not.
Now he's a classy, dignified, gentleman of fitness.
This was supposed to be my category.
Psst, Max! Max, thrust! Thrust! Add a thrust! Don't listen to her, Max.
March and expand! - March and expand! - No! - And smile! Smile! - Thrust! Thrust! Get those knees up! - No! - Knees up.
Knees up.
There it is.
There it is.
Okay, that's literally the worst thing I've ever seen, and I follow Madeleine Albright on Instagram.
All right, all right.
- So - Ohh! - Hmm? - There's an exhibit - on mid-century spoons at the craft museum.
- Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga! - Wow.
I love - Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga! - Chugga-chugga! Choo-choo! - a good spoon.
- Yeah.
Could be interesting.
- Yeah.
- Could be good.
- Mm.
All aboard! Here's my ticket, sir! That's not the ticket for this train.
Oh, no! What's gonna happen?! - Oh, says here - Yeah, babe? They have a spoon that Elvis used to measure out a nougat.
- Huh? Yeah.
- Choo-choo-choo-choo! Choo-choo-choo-choo! Choo-choo-choo-choo! - I'm out! - Choo! They broke me.
And probably the guess bed.
Ahh.
God.
This pageant is a gay disaster.
It's worse than the time I saw Bette Midler get on a horse.
I mean, that Q&A was rough.
Okay, I don't know what's going on with you, creepy, but I need an answer.
The question is, mousse or parfait? Good ponder hands, Max! Roll your eyes! More! I've-- I've over-- I've overrolled.
- Overrolled.
Going down.
- No.
Gay down! Super gay down! Max, what we need to do now is double down on the class.
No way! Max, you need flash.
Okay, I am talking glitter, satin, butt crack.
Ugh.
What?! Are you crazy? Butt crack has no place in a gay beauty pageant.
- What?! - Okay, both of you shut it.
The only reason I did this thing is because I'm sick of being the poor one all the time.
It's embarrassing.
And I asked you two for help, and you turned it around and made it all about you.
Now if you'll excuse me, you're both fired.
Later, honey boobs-boobs.
Aah! Hey! Hey, it's you! You know, I've been meaning to compliment you.
Your coming out of nowhere has just gotten amazing.
Well, tired.
Not so fast, young lady.
We need to talk about the Car Czar.
Brad and I feel he's a bad influence on you and maybe it's time to slow it down.
We're not mad! We're just disappointed! Okay.
What's going on? Brad and I have discussed it, and we forbid you from seeing the Car Czar ever again.
Uh, you forbid me? Hellur.
You're not the boss of me.
Pradesh Singh, the head of Global PR, is the boss of me.
Although she may be going on maternity leave, so it's probably gonna be Nancy Goldberg.
Please.
Maternity leave is for hippies.
If you're gonna live under our roof, you're gonna follow our rules.
Well, that's good 'cause I don't need to live under your roof anymore, - because as of tonight, my apartment's ready.
- Good.
- Great.
- Think about your future! - Honey, we don't need to yell.
- I'm not yelling! Actually, I was yelling.
And I regret nothing! This is so unfair! Penelope Hartz, when I said for you to have a fling, I meant with a nice, normal boy like Shaun Normal boy! Not my pig of a boss.
Well, maybe it's not a fling.
Maybe it's love.
You ever think of that, Jane? Maybe I love him.
Yeah.
I came back to get my keys, and you unlocked my heart.
Oh! Penny I love you, too.
Uh Mm! Mm! Congratulations, lovebirds.
This is a nightmare! Ahh.
Thanks, again, kitty cat, for letting me crash here a while.
I gotta find a place for my chin-up bar.
I got the same one as Paul Ryan.
We have the same bod.
We could totally share clothes.
I feel so close to you right now.
You know, if, uh, you play your cards right, you keep those chest pumpkins up and runnin', me moving in could become a permanent thing.
How great would that be, huh? Huh? Suh great.
Hey! How did you guys get in here? Your front door's missing.
Duh.
I needed a headboard.
Clearly.
Why you guys here? Because we're sorry and we really wanna help you.
It's too late.
I'm in last place in the competition.
The only event I won was how many marshmallows could you fit in your mouth-- 41.
It is not too late.
Tonight is the talent competition.
That's half your score.
If you win that, you could win the whole damn thing.
Yep.
That's why we came up with a kick-ass routine that combines old school class with new school flash.
And fire! Whoa! Fire's awesome! I'm in.
Uh guys? Is that not normally like that? I thought so.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, I'll see you later then.
That was my wife, sugar face.
Bad news.
That sweet bag o' garbage is taking me back.
Try not to be devastated.
It's gonna be hard, but I will try.
I just - You know, here's your stuff! - Oh.
Okay.
- Give you those babies back.
- Okay.
All right.
Well, this has been fun.
I've never been with a woman who's owned books.
They're for reading.
I know that now.
No.
No, please.
Oh, my God.
- I saved you! - Aah! - Oh, my God! - Oh! Ow! - Oh, you scared me! - Oh! Oh, you screamed right in my ear and my-- my whole face! We should not have copies of each other's keys.
Oh, my God.
Look, it wasn't right of me to tell you what to do.
This is your life.
Thank you.
That being said I called the Car Czar's wife, worked a little Jane magic.
Got her two tickets to that Canadian horse ballet.
- "Cavalia"? - Yeah.
Larry King says that's the greatest show he's ever seen.
You're not mad? No.
I'm-- I'm sorry that I had so much sex with your boss.
- Mm.
- In your house.
- That's okay.
- On your floor.
- Yeah.
- On your printer.
Ugh.
Penny, my deskjet? Come on, bro.
But honestly, your advice was great.
I needed a fling.
And I'm glad that the Car Czar was such a pig, because I didn't get emotionally invested.
I don't even know his name.
It's Lon.
Ew.
I had sex with a "Lon"? Lon? That is not a human name.
Welp heady times.
- That was Billy Carson's puppetry of the butt! - Shh! With a scene from last week's "The New Normal.
" Next up, here's Max Blum! Whoo! Maxie! Yeah! Who-hoo! Oh, you tricky bitch.
I think I love you.
Oh, my God.
Did I just say that? Guys, I wanna thank you so much for your support tonight, and it was awesome to share this moment with my best friends in the world.
That is the nicest thing a homosexual has ever said to me.
Why is he here, Brad? - I have a real disease.
- Mm-hmm.
And the coolest part about tonight - is that I get to pay for dinner with my winnings.
- Yay! - Food! - Thanks! That doesn't even begin to make up for it.
I had them pay me in pennies because it's the only currency I still trust.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Penny! Jugs! Uh uh hold on.
I got a joke brewin' in here.
Uh okay.
Okay.
Hold on.
Hold on.
- Uh-- oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Here we go.
Oh! No, wait.
Wait.
Hold on.
Uh uh Oh, I got it!