Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s03e20 Episode Script

I've killed a Hydra before.
Of course, then I had Hercules with me.
Same nightmare? Yeah.
Oh, boy.
That makes it the Hydra, three, lolaus, nothing.
Maybe you need to slow down, get away for a while.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
You're tellingme to take a vacation? Why not? Everyone needs a break now and then.
Well, yeah, but usually it's me telling you to- Oh, hey, hey, Herc, I know the perfect spot.
We are gonna be treated like royalty.
We? Nobody said "we.
" Come on.
It stands to reason.
If I need a break, you need a break.
We are gonna wallow in luxury.
No, no, no, no, no! You can't use me like you were trading a horse or a cow or something.
My dear, your marriage to Prince Gordius will ensure peace between our kingdoms.
Oh, peace, war, who cares? This is my life we're talking about! Oh, Daddy.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed about the kind of man I'd marry.
Oh, he'd be handsome and charming and all the other princesses would want him, and he'd just want me, and they'd be so jealous! And now you wanna spoil all that! What's going on? Melissa can be heard halfway to Thrace! Oh, Alexa, thank the gods you're here! Father's still trying to marry me off to that Lathian! My girls.
My two beautiful daughters.
I won't be with you much longer.
And before I die, I want our kingdom secured.
And that means naming the man to marry Melissa and to take my throne.
Ohh! Why not let Melissa rule? She's the rightful heir.
Melissa rule my kingdom? This is a big job, Alexa.
Making laws, commanding the army.
I'm sorry, but like it or not, girls, this is a man's world.
- A woman can be strong as a man.
- We're talking about your sister.
Daddy, if I have to marry someone, why does it have to be a Lathian? You once considered them our worst enemy.
Once you're married, our two kingdoms will be united.
Now, that means no more war.
We can destroy our weapons.
Oh, but I don't love him! You don't even know him! You were born into royalty, Melissa.
That means privilege and sacrifice.
You leave for Lathia in the morning.
My life is over.
Maybe there's a way out.
Alexa, it's nice to dream, but come tomorrow morning, I'm going to be sacrificed on the altar of marriage to his royal fatness, Prince Gordius.
Unless I'm not here.
What do you mean? Run away? Oh, who am I kidding? Where would I go? Who would dress me? Who would feed me? Who would do my hair? Oh, it's a jungle out there.
Oh, I'm going to bed.
If I'm lucky, I'll die in my sleep.
Don't wanna get married, Princess? Well, this is your lucky day.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! I thought you said we would wallow in luxury.
I did.
So, this must be wallowing.
Hmm.
Now I know what a pig feels like.
Me too.
It's very good for your skin, you know.
This is nice, don't you think? I'm Marjus from Century One Realty.
Can we talk? Uh, actually, we're on vacation.
Oh, what's a vacation for anyway? Am I right? All work and no play? I don't think so.
I'm giving you nice boys two words.
Are you ready for this? Are you listening? Two words.
Timeshare.
Huh, huh? Timeshare.
Yeah.
I love to help people.
This is an opportunity of a lifetime.
Don't thank me now.
Wait till you hear the details.
Then you'll say, "Marj, who knew? Who knew? I can't thank you enough.
" That's what you'll say.
But I'll tell you, "No need, no need.
" And you know why? Because I love to help people.
Boys? Boys! Father, you called for me.
This was found outside our gates.
It's from the Lathians.
They have Melissa.
They demand our immediate surrender or they kill her.
But Prince Gordius himself proposed the marriage.
Well, they always were a treacherous lot.
But why take Melissa? To force your hand.
You agreed to the marriage.
That means you're anxious for peace.
It says you're vulnerable.
They think you'll surrender to save her.
You can't ignore their threats.
You have to send the army to rescue her.
No, no, that would be the worst thing to do.
They'd kill her on the first sight of our army.
We send a spy to Lathia.
If Gordius has kidnapped Melissa, we'll know soon enough.
Princess, time to wake up.
Just a little bit longer.
Was that absolutely necessary? I'm so sorry.
What can I do to make it up to you? Well- Something to eat would be nice.
Oh, nothing fancy.
Poached eggs, bacon.
And one other thing: You could let me in on the little joke.
From me to you, it's not very funny! It's those Lathians, isn't it? This is one of those stupid, primitive wedding things.
Kidnap the bride, humiliate her, make it impossible for her to get a decent night's sleep! You wait till I get you to market, Princess.
You won't get a decent night's sleep again.
Market? Excuse me.
Uh, what does he mean, "get me to market"? Are we going shopping? Prince Gordius, how are we today? Same as every day- fat.
You're being too hard on yourself.
You're big-boned and actually very handsome.
Yeah, well, if I'm so handsome, why isn't Princess Melissa here? I'll tell you why.
She doesn't wanna be here.
She doesn't wanna have anything to do with me.
Oh, you know how women are.
She probably can't decide on what to wear.
Right.
Or maybe something happened to her.
I mean, the roads aren't safe anymore, you know? I'm telling you, Acteon, I don't like it.
It means trouble.
Enough worrying.
It's time to celebrate.
A toast to the unification of Lathia and Alcinia.
No.
I can't relax until Princess Melissa arrives safe and sound.
Wasn't that great? Hey, is your skin all warm and tingly? Ah, yeah.
Why don't we head up the coast and do a little fishing? Fishing would be good.
Move, you worthless vermin! Hold on.
What's this? Careful with that! You could put an eye out with that thing.
Oh, another word, and you'll all get a taste of it.
Will you shut up? Me? I'm not the one cracking my whip, making threats like a big shot.
Besides, I'm a princess.
I don't have to put up with this.
Come on! Let's go! Excuse me, are we about through with this little joke? You know, the part where everybody jumps out and yells, "Surprise"? Oh, am I gonna enjoy this.
Nice whip.
Mind if I give it a spin? Hercules.
Melissa? Get him! Uh, Herc, these guys are- I got '‘‘em.
Great.
I'll get the women.
Here we go.
Hurry.
Thank you.
Thank you! Thank you! My fresh vegetables! Hercules! Melissa, what happened to you? Oh, I know I'm a mess.
You wouldn't believe the day I've had.
No.
How did you end up in the hands of a slave trader? Oh, well, he kidnapped me right out of the palace.
I thought it was all a joke.
No, that wasn't a joke.
Those guys were serious.
Something's very odd here.
There's more to this.
There is? And you would be? Oh.
lolaus, this is Princess Melissa of Alcinia.
I helped her father negotiate a peace treaty, what, seven, eight years ago? Melissa, lolaus.
Hi.
Pretty scrawny for a manservant, isn't he? Uh, lolaus is my best friend.
Oh, Hercules.
Still taking in every stray dog that comes along.
Excuse me? lolaus and I will take you home now and try to get to the bottom of this.
We will? Wonderful! You can get the carriage now, "lolfus.
" The name is lolaus, and we don't have a carriage.
Uh, no.
Sorry.
Think you can manage on foot? You mean walk? How quaint.
I've always wanted to commune with nature.
Yeah.
Let's rough it.
Stray dog? I'll explain later.
Of course, if we're on foot, I'll need a walking stick.
- Oh, that'll do nicely.
- No, that's not a good idea.
Oh, lolfus! You should be more careful! My beautiful vegetables! This is gonna be a very long trip.
lolfus! Are you unaware of the custom? Commoners walk behind royalty.
Three paces behind.
So, your father thought he could solidify the peace with Lathia by marrying you to Prince Gordius? Well, that was his plan until I got kidnapped, of course.
Who'd wanna kidnap you? I can't imagine, though I wouldn't put it past old Gordo.
No.
Gordius is a man of his word.
It's someone else.
Someone with a reason.
Well, whoever it was, I'd like to thank him.
It put a stop to this whole wedding thing.
Why don't you wanna marry Prince Gordius? Well, from what I hear, he's not exactly husband material.
You mean you haven't even met him? I don't have to meet someone to know they're unappealing.
I hear he's so fat, he has to bathe in the castle moat.
Can you imagine me marrying someone like that? No.
He might be a nice guy.
Excuse me, is there a problem? Well, now that you mention it- Hey, hey, hey! Enough, all right? I mean, we still have a long way to go, and we should just try to get along, all right? All right.
Uh- I am sorry.
Hmph! Well, he started it.
Okay.
Oh, Father! I'm just as worried as you are about Melissa, my dear.
It's more than that.
Oh? I was thinking about you.
The way you looked leading our army into battle.
So proud, strong.
You were unstoppable.
Those were good days, Father.
No, no.
I was a foolish man.
I built the world's most awesome weapon- the Fist of Tolas- and I used it without mercy.
I'm thankful that the kingdom survived those times.
But for you, Alexa, I pray the good days are yet to come.
It's time I put you to bed, Father.
I- I suppose you're right.
Is that a bug? Look at the size of that thing! What are we doing in a swamp anyway? I've never seen so many creepy-crawly creatures in all my life.
You wanted to commune with nature.
Well, that was before.
I didn't know that nature was so natural.
Quicksand! I'm sinking here! You're fine.
It's just a little mud.
This is horrid! Can't we at least find some pretty scenery to look at? We don't have time for that.
Your father will be worried, and so will Prince Gordius.
One of them could do something foolish.
Like what? Like start a war? A war? Fought over me? Oh, how romantic! You can't be serious.
Why not? Paris and Menelaus fought over Helen of Troy.
And thousands of innocent lives were lost for no good reason.
Oh.
Oh, why doesn't anything exciting like that ever happen to me? Unbelievable.
You are the most self-centered, inconsiderate, thoughtless woman I've ever met! Are you gonna let him speak to me like that? Herc, are you gonna straighten her out, or am I? He's got a point.
- Right! But now's not the time, nor the place to make it.
Let's keep moving.
I'll have you know I'm a very considerate person.
I never go to a castle empty-handed! I always say nice things to visiting dignitaries, no matter how stupid or ugly they are! I'm nice to animals! Well, most animals.
There was that thing with Alexa's cat, but that wasn't my fault! Oh, Father, I didn't want it to come to this.
Everything our kingdom stands for is about to be destroyed, and yet you can do nothing.
I know what you want, Father, and I know it's up to me to make it happen.
Lieutenant! You called, Princess Alexa? The king is dead.
In my sister's absence, I have no choice but to claim the throne as Queen of Alcinia.
Yes, Your Majesty.
Of course, Your Majesty.
Notify my ministers.
The Lathians have brought this dark day upon us.
I am declaring war.
It was the king's dying wish.
Prepare the Fist of Tolas, my father's ultimate weapon.
It will be the instrument of our revenge.
Well, what do we do now? We wade across.
Well, is it safe? Yeah, yeah.
Herc, you know, you really should go first, just to make sure it's, uh, safe.
Fine.
See? It's not that deep.
There's a hole right here, so you better watch out for that.
Come on.
It's okay.
Slow down! This isn't a race! I knew I should never have listened to you! There must be a bridge around here somewhere.
Would you just keep still! Whoa! Oh! Lady, I have two words to say to you: Get off my back! Melissa, you ought to be more careful.
Halt! Hold it right there, men.
I want a fully armed exercise for the crew handling the weapon.
Use the village ahead for a target.
Those are civilians, Queen Alexa.
We're going to kill every Lathian we see, civilian or soldier.
We'll terrorize the heartland.
It'll be a short war.
Prepare the weapon! Get that arm! Give me a hand here! Lock and load! My father was a great warrior before Hercules forced him into a treaty with the Lathians.
Peace between us will never be possible.
We do now what my father should have done then.
Oh, and, Lieutenant, never question my command again.
Prepare to fire.
You sent for me? Your Majesty, what are you doing? I'm taking some men to search for Princess Melissa.
Is that such a good idea? I mean, it could be dangerous.
We don't know what the Alcinians might be up to.
We don't actually know that they're up to anything.
Do we? No.
No, we don't.
But if they were, it could be dangerous.
You worry for nothing.
I trust King Tolas.
Let's go.
I- I've never seen anything like this.
I have.
This is from a weapon I'd hoped to never see again.
You got your wish.
Looks like a war has started.
Lathians, kill them! Hercules, what is this? It's a whole lot of guys shooting at us! There's cover over there.
Come on! Melissa! Hercules! Right here.
lolaus! This is ridiculous! Don't they know who I am? They don't care who you are! That's what war is.
Kill people and tear stuff up.
I've got to stop this.
Please don't leave me.
It's the Lathian army! Hey.
They've stopped.
Listen.
Stay here.
All right, come on.
It's okay, it's okay.
We're here to help.
lolaus.
Melissa, come here.
Give me your hand.
What are you doing? Apply pressure there.
Oh, but he's Lathian.
Just do it.
I'm getting blood on me.
Be thankful it isn't yours.
lolaus, there's a temple.
It's not far.
It's neutral ground.
We'll take them there.
No.
We can't take them with us.
They'll slow us down.
If we leave them here, these men will die! But we'll all die if we take them.
Melissa, we are helping these men.
You're going to be all right.
By the gods, what's happening out there? Ignorance and stupidity.
You're welcome here.
There's not much I can do.
I'm not a healer.
It's all right.
You can help us.
There you go.
Look at this.
lolaus, you and Melissa take the other side.
Start with the ones who are hurt the worst.
A lot of help she's gonna be.
Give her a chance.
Give me a choice.
You've seen a lot of these? Too many to count.
The weapon worked better than I ever expected.
Lathia is mine.
Your Highness, our spies found your sister.
She's in a temple not far off the main road.
But that's not possible.
Is she alone? She's with Hercules.
Shall I tell the troops to stand down? No.
We march ahead as planned.
It was Hercules who forced my father into a treaty with the Lathians.
His death will be a part of my victory.
We will march on this temple, killing everything in our path, including Hercules.
Is that understood? But what about Princess Melissa? If my sister dies, such is the price of war.
Now ready the weapon.
You brought me here to teach me a lesson, didn't you? The ravages of war, the beauty of peace, and now I'm supposed to run home and marry Gordius like everyone wants.
You can marry whoever you want to.
No matter what happens, one day you will be a queen.
And being here now may make you a better one then.
How? By making me feel stupid and helpless? No, Melissa.
Look around you.
This is what war does to people.
So when it's your turn to choose between making war or keeping the peace, - you'll know what's at stake.
- I don't want that kind of responsibility, Hercules.
I don't know the first thing about taking care of a kingdom.
It starts one person at a time.
What can I do to help? I don't think war looks so romantic to her anymore.
Hm.
Think you can handle the rest? Where you going? To find the weapon that did this.
I could use a hand here! Hercules.
Now, what are you doing here? Trying to prevent friends from going to war.
I'm afraid you're too late.
Maybe not.
I have Princess Melissa.
You do? What happened? Where is she? She's safe in a temple near here.
When she didn't show up for the wedding, I knew it meant trouble, but I never dreamed Tolas would use one of the weapons he vowed to destroy.
It's not Tolas.
I'm sure of that.
Who else could it be? Hercules, this is my prime minister, Acteon.
Hercules, we value your help.
I'm not here to take sides.
Why don't you grab your men? I'll show you the way to the temple.
You're late.
Is Gordius dead? No.
He's with your sister.
Gordius, Melissa and Hercules together? So they die together.
Alexa! What do you think you're doing? Have you come to meddle in my kingdom's business yet again? Your kingdom? What would King Tolas have to say about that? The king is dead! Long live the queen! Although I can't say the same for my sister.
Prepare to fire! Why are you doing this? It doesn't make any sense.
You know I'll stop you! I don't think so.
This is something not even you can stop, Hercules.
Fire! Yes! Sergeant.
Leave some men here.
Dig him out.
If the rocks didn't kill him, finish the job.
Let's go! He's dead.
Move the rest of the rocks.
Your Highness, the weapon is slowing us down.
We'll take the main column ahead to the temple.
Put more men on the weapon and tell them to move quickly.
Here.
Ah, thank you.
Man over there needs a fresh bandage.
Melissa, over here.
She's very sweet.
Yeah.
She's a regular princess.
So, you're, uh, Princess Melissa of Alcinia.
Yeah.
Here.
Oh.
You're not quite what I expected.
Yeah, well, I guess I'm not quite what I expected either.
Who are you? Prince Gordius.
Oh, uh, so what did you expect? Um, I don't know.
Uh, makeup, too much perfume, big hair.
Yeah, well, I guess I'm not that kind of princess.
I hope not.
You're not disappointed? No, I'm not.
That hand of yours could use a bandage.
You took long enough.
No time to spare.
Well, well, well.
A honeymoon and a funeral on the same day.
How convenient.
Wait.
There are only wounded in here.
- That's not what I heard.
- Alexa, what are you doing? Melissa, our father is dead.
He was killed by Prince Gordius, part of the plot he and my sister cooked up to seize the throne of Alcinia.
That's a lie! Save your tears.
You'll be with Father soon.
You'll never get away with this.
I already have.
Destroy this place and everyone in it! - These men have no weapons! They're all wounded! - Who are you? That's lolfus, a friend of Hercules.
Actually, it's lolaus.
Hercules won't be fighting anyone.
- Why? What have you done? - Let's just say I've got him covered.
Acteon.
- Have you betrayed me? - I saw it as a good career move.
Enough! Attack! Get out of here! Please, Alexa, how can you? Father would never believe- Our father should have been here by my side now, but he was weak and dying.
I had to help him along.
You killed him.
I think of it more as putting him out of his misery.
You were supposed to be long gone too.
I told the slave trader to find you something nice, comfortable- a harem maybe or a bordello.
Good-bye, sister.
Hold it! Sorry I'm late.
Things kind of piled up on me.
Alexa, you're not big on family, are you? Get him! Don't even think about it.
Ohh.
Thank you.
Keep '‘‘em busy.
Me? Where you going? For the weapon.
- lolaus, I'm going for the weapon! - You betcha! Your Majesty.
I hope you understand.
It was nothing personal.
Understand this, Mr.
Prime Minister.
Oh.
You all right? Good.
Hercules has attacked our men.
I'll get the weapon.
You mount a counterattack.
Yes, my queen.
There he is.
Get him! Now you die, Hercules.
Going somewhere, little sister? I didn't make things very easy for you.
I'm sorry.
Gordius and I would like to thank you both for everything.
I just wish my father were here to share in our happiness.
I have a feeling King Tolas is watching you from the Elysian Fields, and he is very proud.
So, what's next? Unification of the two kingdoms? We thought we should get to know each other first.
But things are progressing very nicely.
Thanks again, Hercules.
lolaus.
Bye.
See ya.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, Herc.
Hm.
She remembered my name.
Oh, she did, didn't she? Ha! I was just starting to get used to "Doofus.
" Hey, that's "lolfus.
" Ah, whatever.
Now, this vacation.
You know what we should do? We should try that new thing where you tie a rope around your ankles and dive off a cliff.
That'd be great! Are you sure your name isn't Doofus?