Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e20 Episode Script
Sticky Wicket Newkirk
( theme song playing ) ( with German accent ): Coming, Liebchen? I'm here.
Ah! And so lovely.
You like me? I'm wild for you.
And how about me? I like everything about you, except your accent.
You're English, no? ( giggles ) I do not mind.
A flier, perhaps, trying to get out of Germany? Well, I I was a flier, yes.
You should be more careful, you know.
The next barmaid you pick up may be more patriotic than I.
Oh, and you're not? No.
It's all so stupid.
The Thousand Year Reich-- the saluting, the cheering, the war.
Are you from Stalag 6? Why do you ask? Oh, it's common knowledge.
two days ago.
Oh, I'd heard about that, yes.
Good.
You're being more careful now.
Admit nothing and talk to no more strange women.
Well, one at a time's enough, love.
To this moment.
Not yesterday, not tomorrow.
Who knows what this stupid war will do to us? To the moment.
With you all the way, love.
Um before we get down to more personal things, which really can't be too soon for me Yes? you wouldn't have heard any more about those boys out of Stalag 6, would you? The other boys or just the boys? Call it what you will.
No, I have not.
Now can we be more personal? Your identity papers, schnell.
If I don't have any? Then you have a choice.
Tell us who you are or be shot as a spy without trial.
Not much of a choice, mates.
Corporal Newkirk, on 24 hours leave, you might say, from Stalag 13.
Out.
We will take you back to Stalag 13.
Wait! Please, wait.
You, Fräulein, we will deal with you later.
Don't take him back! Please, do not take him back! For the moment, love, it was nice.
KLINK: Welcome back, Newkirk.
Hogan, will your men never learn that no one escapes from Stalag 13? Intellectually, sir, they know that, but emotionally, they still hope.
They still hope, huh? Well, Newkirk, we'll put an end to that hope.
Usual punishment, sir? No.
This time, there will be no punishment.
That's awfully decent of you, sir.
Not at all.
Schultz, take him away.
SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
To Stalag 6.
Stalag 6? Six, sir? I, uh I trust that's the commandant's well-known sense of fun coming to the fore again.
KLINK: Not quite, Hogan.
I'm instituting a new policy of transfer for any infractions of the rules-- permanent transfer.
In other words, Hogan, I'm breaking up that old gang of yours.
You wouldn't consider 60 days in the cooler, sir? Commandant the men love you, sir.
You're a father image.
Newkirk here comes from a broken home.
He identifies very strongly, sir.
I do, I do.
Not another word-- I've made up my mind.
Take him away.
Sir, in leaving, I'd just like to quote something I told me dear old dad on a like occasion.
Yes.
You give me a ruddy, shooting pain Colonel, we got ten men from Stalag 6 down in the tunnel.
They got through.
What about the other eight? Not yet, not yet.
Captain Anderson reporting, sir.
What about the rest of your men? We separated, Colonel.
I'm, uh I'm kind of afraid they may have been caught.
You were all headed here? Yes, sir.
Let's just hope nobody talks.
All right, continue on the processing.
We want to get these guys under way as soon as we can.
We'll do our best, Colonel, but we're shorthanded without Newkirk.
Did he get the full 30 days? No, he got transferred to Stalag 6.
What? But they cannot do that.
They did it.
Well, we'll just break him out of there, and we'll keep him down in the tunnel for a year or so till they forget about him.
Hold it.
There's nothing we can do-- nothing.
There is always something we can do, mon colonel.
Well, at the moment, I don't know what it is.
Newkirk picked the wrong time to get caught.
We got a mission under way.
Schultz and Newkirk.
All right, Anderson, in the tunnel.
Right, sir.
Hello, mates.
Hey, Newkirk, you're looking great.
Yeah, what a break, huh? I mean, no 30 days in the cooler.
You're looking just great.
Formidable.
I'm done in, mates, that's all.
Done in.
The prisoner has two minutes to gather his personal belongings.
Order of the commandant.
Will you dry up? What did I say now? I'm sorry.
Would you mind waiting outside? My orders on that point are very specific.
Under no circumstances am I to permit I'll wait outside.
Colonel, no chance that old Klink'd change his mind, is there? Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
Well, we did have some fun, didn't we? Yeah.
Tough luck, old buddy.
Thanks.
I sort of always thought that when the Allied tanks rolled up in front of the gates, we'd all be here together.
I just always thought that.
Allez! Bonne chance, mon ami, bonne chance.
Bye-bye, Louie.
Yeah, we'll all get together after the war in London, huh? Sure, all of us in London.
Okay, Andrew.
Colonel thank you for everything.
Newkirk, there's no chance to get you back here, but we're not going to let you rot in Stalag 6.
After you leave here, use this.
Take the escape route to England, understand? Yes, sir.
You know, sir, I can't help worrying about that girl they grabbed me with.
Do you think they're holding her? Don't do anything about the girl.
Head for England.
Right, sir, right.
( knock at door ) Time is up.
Well, mates, when the going gets rough and old Schultz here gets hard and cruel, just step in and win one for old Newkirk, right? ( all agree ) Good-bye.
Take it easy now.
Take it easy.
You transferred him? Klink, who told you to transfer him? No one, Major Hochstetter.
Just, at the time, it seemed like a terribly good idea.
It was a completely idiotic idea.
The Gestapo must question this man.
What was he doing in Hammelburg in civilian clothes? What, Klink?! Well, sir I think I need a little bit more time to think about that one.
I do not want you to think about anything.
I just want you to get the prisoner Newkirk back here at once! Excellent idea, Major Hochstetter.
It'll solve the whole problem.
Get me Stalag 6, Colonel Mühlenberger.
Herr Kommandant, I beg to report Not now, Schultz.
I beg to Please, Schultz.
Mühlenberger Klink here.
Yes, about that transfer we arranged-- the British corporal, Newkirk.
I'd like to discuss that with you, mm-hmm.
I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, it will not be necessary to talk to Colonel Mühlenberger.
Just a moment, Colonel.
Schultz, what is the matter with you? Don't you see that I'm talking on the phone Schultz, what are you doing here? You were taking Newkirk to Stalag 6.
Entirely correct, sir, I was, but I didn't get there.
BOTH: What? Herr Kommandant, just one mile from here, Newkirk produced a gun-- such an enormous gun, you have no idea! Klink! Your prisoners walk around with guns? Of course not, Major Hochstetter.
Mühlenberger, I'll have to call you back.
Schultz, just before you left here, you searched him, didn't you? You searched him! I think I can say almost positively that I believe so.
Schultz! Anything wrong, sir? Hogan, get out of here.
I want that man in here! My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter.
Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you, but now my feeling is much stronger.
I'm glad you finally cleared me, sir.
Not exactly.
escaped from Stalag 6.
Eight of them I've recaptured.
Excellent work, Major Hochstetter, but may I point out to you that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem? Never an escape, never so much as, as, as, as until today, sir, but that was an official transfer.
Of the eight men I captured, one talked.
He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13.
Would you have any idea why? Bad sense of direction? I do not think so.
Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp? That is exactly what I intend to find out.
I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel.
Anyone trying to get out will be caught.
Anyone trying to get in will be caught.
Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.
I do not want your cooperation, Klink.
All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners.
I will deal with all of you later! Major Hochstetter, may I point out my relationship ( grunts ) with the Gestapo is the most cordial cordial.
( clanging ) Someone wants to come up.
I gave orders they were to stay down.
LeBEAU: Newkirk! I forgot me toothbrush, sir.
You couldn't live without us, huh? You were on your way to England.
I am, sir.
Still am, as a matter of fact.
Well? Well, uh I sort of had an obligation to Gretel, sir.
That's the girl who was with me in Hammelburg when they picked me up.
I just wanted to make sure she was all right.
So you stopped off in Hammelburg.
Uh yes, sir.
She's a wonderful girl-- Gretel.
Marvelous sort of qualities, if you know what I mean.
Good, I'd like to meet her sometime.
So what happened? You're not just saying that, sir? You'd really like to meet her? Newkirk, what are you trying to tell me? Well, actually, sir, she wanted me to help her move to another place, you see, because the police were watching her there.
Well, when we did, the Gestapo boys got on our trail.
While I was trying to give them the slip, we sort of found ourselves at the You want to meet the Colonel, Gretel? Here she is.
Look at that.
Whoo-hoo! What a beautiful girl! You brought her in from the outside all the way through the tunnel? Uh yes, sir, I did, yes.
She saw everything we have down below? Yes, it was fascinating.
I never thought it possible.
You're a great man, Colonel Hogan-- a very great man.
Of course, he has had help.
We can get acquainted later.
Right now, we've got a problem.
Hochstetter has a few hundred Gestapo around Stalag 13, and we've got ten prisoners to get out.
And what will you do then, Colonel? I've got a plan.
Excuse me.
Oh, isn't that clever? NEWKIRK: You like it? Now here.
This is the interior of the compound.
That's Colonel Klink's office there.
We're over here.
Now, the plan is this.
A company of airborne makes a parachute drop here.
Inside the camp? Inside the camp.
In the confusion, the ten escapees will come up and join them.
And they all fight their way through the fence here, where they're picked up by transport planes that land in the field here.
Colonel, you are joking.
I like it.
SCHULTZ ( outside ): Open the door! Schultz! All right, stand back against the wall.
Stay out of sight as much as possible.
SCHULTZ: Open the door! Open the door! I'm going to count till three.
If you don't open the door, I'm going to break in.
One two three! Who was holding the door? I want to know! No one, Schultz.
It sticks in the warm weather.
But it's freezing outside.
It's a pleasure to see your mind work.
No compliments, Colonel Hogan.
I have bad trouble, and I think it's because of you.
Where did Newkirk get the gun? You will tell me everything.
HOGAN: Of course we will, Schultz.
Now, come over here.
Ah! No, no.
From now on, I have only one rule.
If you ask me to go over there, I go over here.
Right, Newkirk? Right, Schultz.
Because it has been my experience, whenever you ask me to do something, it is much better for me Newkirk? Sorry, Schultz, tried to save you.
Save me? ( chuckles ) I've recaptured him.
Tracked him through the snow.
Tracked him through the snow, under great hardship and great danger, till finally, finally Found him in his own barracks.
How did he get there, Schultz? I don't know how he get there.
I don't care how he get there.
The most important thing for me is Come here.
I leave it up to you.
It is more important for It's a girl.
Explain that, Schultz, especially to Hochstetter.
I see nothing.
I hear nothing.
I see nothing! Halt! Ein Moment.
Who said that? GRETEL: I did.
You will wait.
Why? Because I'm going with you to the office of the commandant with my report.
Come.
She was on their side, and you showed her everything.
Nice going, old buddy.
But she seemed so sincere-like.
Everybody down in the tunnel, sir? No.
Oh, that's right.
First, we have to warn those parachute troops.
There aren't any parachute troops.
You knew she was a spy all along, huh? I didn't know.
That's why I had to play it safe.
Carter, get on a Luftwaffe uniform.
You're going to be a general.
Yes, sir.
Newkirk, get down in the tunnel.
Right, sir.
After you get down there, set off the explosives that closes up this entrance, and let's just hope the barracks doesn't go down with it.
Right, Colonel.
After you set off the explosives, get the ten men out the other end.
Hochstetter will pull the Gestapo in the camp.
The way will be clear.
Do I go out with them, sir? No, you'll wait a while, then turn yourself in at the main gate.
Oh, great! I can talk me way out of anything with old Klink.
Yeah, but you won't be so lucky with us.
Get going.
Yes, sir.
Major Hochstetter, may I assure you that everything this woman has reported is impossible-- completely impossible.
Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar? Why would I do a thing like that? Because your head is in the noose, Klink.
You have been running a country home for prairie dogs.
They dig while you sleep.
Wake up, Klink.
Enjoy the little time you have left.
Major Hochstetter, I shall certainly try.
With a tunnel entrance right in his own barracks, I would certainly think, Major, that this fat one over here will have some knowledge.
Ordinarily it is true, Herr Major, but I have signed certificates from all of my teachers that I Whatever you know, I will get it out of you later.
I want men to go with me to that barracks.
Pick Skrobar, Schabitz and Gunn, schnell! Immediately, Herr Major.
And now, Klink ( explosion ) What was that? The airborne attack-- it has begun.
It is nothing, Klink! Nothing? I thought you did not believe our informant.
Major Hochstetter, I was merely indicating to you that sometimes these things are difficult to accept.
You said impossible.
The difficult, I believe immediately.
The impossible sometimes takes a little longer.
Schultz, will you get up? It's disgraceful.
Achtung! Uh-huh the end of the trail, Colonel Hogan.
How's that again, Major? We have come for a look at your downstairs apartment.
You will show us the way? You've been listening to rumors again.
Something a little more substantial.
Open the secret passage, my dear.
Of course, Major Hochstetter.
Right this way.
I saw them activate it from a hidden panel on this bunk.
Colonel Hogan, that you were able to operate for so long is a tribute to the stupidity of your beloved commandant.
Or is it complicity, Klink? No, indeed, Major.
Stupidity.
That's entirely correct, Herr Major.
Well? I I was sure it was right here, Major.
Are you sure this is the bunk they lift up? Yes.
This bunk out.
Chop through the floor.
Use your axes.
It's better that way.
It has the Gestapo touch.
Quiet! Chop! What's going on here? No one calls attention for a general? What kind of army is this? SCHULTZ: Achtung! Thank you.
And you, Major Hochstetter, the Gestapo is now conducting bunk inspections? Time is heavy on your hands, ja? I do not believe I know you.
It is your business to know me.
I am Luftwaffe General Von Siedelburg.
Ask Klink.
He knows me.
Certainly I know you, General Siedelburg.
I am in charge of security of all Luftwaffe prisoner-of-war camps.
I have been looking for you, Hochstetter.
What are you doing here besides inspecting bunks? ( chuckles ) I have uncovered a giant plot in one of your camps, General.
Ten of the escapees from Stalag 6-- the other eight of whom I have captured-- are down below us in a tunnel.
The prisoners here equip them with money, papers and clothing and send them out of the country.
Is that correct, Klink? Well, I I've been watchfully waiting, sir.
Good.
Show us your tunnel.
Well? There is nothing but dirt, Herr Major.
So? What do you do in dirt, eh? You dig.
Dig! Jawohl, Herr Major.
Bunk inspection and now gardening? We will find the tunnel.
Do not worry.
I have stopped worrying.
( laughs, snorts ) Perhaps you should start.
The chart Where is the chart showing the parachute drop? It's right over here, Major.
Show me.
Excuse me.
Dig! There it is.
Aha! Just a minute, Major.
To us, this is almost sacred ground.
Out of the way, Hogan.
Happy digging.
Well, Klink, how do you explain this, huh? What is this? You do not know, Major? There was a chart, Major.
I am sure.
Of how many things can you be so sure that are not so? I must defend her.
The information she has brought us on you has been most accurate.
What information? Oh, mostly black market, a little extortion, a few more personal matters.
No.
No, it isn't true.
I'm defending you.
Does that complete your investigation, Major? You will come with me for intensive questioning.
Take her away.
And what of the ten escapees? The trail grows cold while you're here with your gardening and looking at girlie pictures, huh? They will be caught.
At least you have confidence.
Klink Oh, yes, General, I am so glad that the general knows now that these rumors about Stalag 13 are totally unfounded.
Klink, take a lesson from what happened at Stalag 6.
Too many prisoners transferred.
Too many prisoners transferred.
Hmm, stirred them up.
I'm sending their commandant to the Russian front.
Rest assured, General Don't shout.
It has always been my policy, it always will be my policy-- no transfers.
Hmm.
What about Newkirk? Forget it.
I shall keep my eye on you, Major Hochstetter.
And I will keep my eye on you, Hogan.
You have not heard the last of this.
Stop digging! Do you have anything to say in your own defense, Corporal Newkirk? Yes, sir, I have.
In the first place, even though I've talked old Klink into letting me back in, I still got 30 days in the cooler hanging over me head.
So? In the second place, even though I broke security by bringing that girl in through the tunnel, I plead extenuating circumstances, as it were.
As it were what? Ah Sir, I put it to you this way.
Here I am, one of the most knowledgeable concerning the female sex, and yet I completely misread the character of the first female I came in contact with.
What's the answer? Lack of practice.
Cooped up in this box, day after day, with no contact whatsoever, a man goes to seed.
What's my plea? Don't indict me; indict the system.
Newkirk, you made a point.
I did, sir? You exposed a basic weakness.
From now on, rotating weekend passes in Hammelburg.
You first, LeBeau, then Kinch, then Carter.
Thank you, sir.
Great.
I'm going to go to the zoo.
Uh sir, as it was my idea, do you think I might get a little something out of it? Oh, you will, Newkirk, you will-- the satisfaction of knowing you're making these men better, well rounded, more balanced fighting men.
Well, it's about all a man can hope for, isn't it, Colonel?
Ah! And so lovely.
You like me? I'm wild for you.
And how about me? I like everything about you, except your accent.
You're English, no? ( giggles ) I do not mind.
A flier, perhaps, trying to get out of Germany? Well, I I was a flier, yes.
You should be more careful, you know.
The next barmaid you pick up may be more patriotic than I.
Oh, and you're not? No.
It's all so stupid.
The Thousand Year Reich-- the saluting, the cheering, the war.
Are you from Stalag 6? Why do you ask? Oh, it's common knowledge.
two days ago.
Oh, I'd heard about that, yes.
Good.
You're being more careful now.
Admit nothing and talk to no more strange women.
Well, one at a time's enough, love.
To this moment.
Not yesterday, not tomorrow.
Who knows what this stupid war will do to us? To the moment.
With you all the way, love.
Um before we get down to more personal things, which really can't be too soon for me Yes? you wouldn't have heard any more about those boys out of Stalag 6, would you? The other boys or just the boys? Call it what you will.
No, I have not.
Now can we be more personal? Your identity papers, schnell.
If I don't have any? Then you have a choice.
Tell us who you are or be shot as a spy without trial.
Not much of a choice, mates.
Corporal Newkirk, on 24 hours leave, you might say, from Stalag 13.
Out.
We will take you back to Stalag 13.
Wait! Please, wait.
You, Fräulein, we will deal with you later.
Don't take him back! Please, do not take him back! For the moment, love, it was nice.
KLINK: Welcome back, Newkirk.
Hogan, will your men never learn that no one escapes from Stalag 13? Intellectually, sir, they know that, but emotionally, they still hope.
They still hope, huh? Well, Newkirk, we'll put an end to that hope.
Usual punishment, sir? No.
This time, there will be no punishment.
That's awfully decent of you, sir.
Not at all.
Schultz, take him away.
SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
To Stalag 6.
Stalag 6? Six, sir? I, uh I trust that's the commandant's well-known sense of fun coming to the fore again.
KLINK: Not quite, Hogan.
I'm instituting a new policy of transfer for any infractions of the rules-- permanent transfer.
In other words, Hogan, I'm breaking up that old gang of yours.
You wouldn't consider 60 days in the cooler, sir? Commandant the men love you, sir.
You're a father image.
Newkirk here comes from a broken home.
He identifies very strongly, sir.
I do, I do.
Not another word-- I've made up my mind.
Take him away.
Sir, in leaving, I'd just like to quote something I told me dear old dad on a like occasion.
Yes.
You give me a ruddy, shooting pain Colonel, we got ten men from Stalag 6 down in the tunnel.
They got through.
What about the other eight? Not yet, not yet.
Captain Anderson reporting, sir.
What about the rest of your men? We separated, Colonel.
I'm, uh I'm kind of afraid they may have been caught.
You were all headed here? Yes, sir.
Let's just hope nobody talks.
All right, continue on the processing.
We want to get these guys under way as soon as we can.
We'll do our best, Colonel, but we're shorthanded without Newkirk.
Did he get the full 30 days? No, he got transferred to Stalag 6.
What? But they cannot do that.
They did it.
Well, we'll just break him out of there, and we'll keep him down in the tunnel for a year or so till they forget about him.
Hold it.
There's nothing we can do-- nothing.
There is always something we can do, mon colonel.
Well, at the moment, I don't know what it is.
Newkirk picked the wrong time to get caught.
We got a mission under way.
Schultz and Newkirk.
All right, Anderson, in the tunnel.
Right, sir.
Hello, mates.
Hey, Newkirk, you're looking great.
Yeah, what a break, huh? I mean, no 30 days in the cooler.
You're looking just great.
Formidable.
I'm done in, mates, that's all.
Done in.
The prisoner has two minutes to gather his personal belongings.
Order of the commandant.
Will you dry up? What did I say now? I'm sorry.
Would you mind waiting outside? My orders on that point are very specific.
Under no circumstances am I to permit I'll wait outside.
Colonel, no chance that old Klink'd change his mind, is there? Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
Well, we did have some fun, didn't we? Yeah.
Tough luck, old buddy.
Thanks.
I sort of always thought that when the Allied tanks rolled up in front of the gates, we'd all be here together.
I just always thought that.
Allez! Bonne chance, mon ami, bonne chance.
Bye-bye, Louie.
Yeah, we'll all get together after the war in London, huh? Sure, all of us in London.
Okay, Andrew.
Colonel thank you for everything.
Newkirk, there's no chance to get you back here, but we're not going to let you rot in Stalag 6.
After you leave here, use this.
Take the escape route to England, understand? Yes, sir.
You know, sir, I can't help worrying about that girl they grabbed me with.
Do you think they're holding her? Don't do anything about the girl.
Head for England.
Right, sir, right.
( knock at door ) Time is up.
Well, mates, when the going gets rough and old Schultz here gets hard and cruel, just step in and win one for old Newkirk, right? ( all agree ) Good-bye.
Take it easy now.
Take it easy.
You transferred him? Klink, who told you to transfer him? No one, Major Hochstetter.
Just, at the time, it seemed like a terribly good idea.
It was a completely idiotic idea.
The Gestapo must question this man.
What was he doing in Hammelburg in civilian clothes? What, Klink?! Well, sir I think I need a little bit more time to think about that one.
I do not want you to think about anything.
I just want you to get the prisoner Newkirk back here at once! Excellent idea, Major Hochstetter.
It'll solve the whole problem.
Get me Stalag 6, Colonel Mühlenberger.
Herr Kommandant, I beg to report Not now, Schultz.
I beg to Please, Schultz.
Mühlenberger Klink here.
Yes, about that transfer we arranged-- the British corporal, Newkirk.
I'd like to discuss that with you, mm-hmm.
I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, it will not be necessary to talk to Colonel Mühlenberger.
Just a moment, Colonel.
Schultz, what is the matter with you? Don't you see that I'm talking on the phone Schultz, what are you doing here? You were taking Newkirk to Stalag 6.
Entirely correct, sir, I was, but I didn't get there.
BOTH: What? Herr Kommandant, just one mile from here, Newkirk produced a gun-- such an enormous gun, you have no idea! Klink! Your prisoners walk around with guns? Of course not, Major Hochstetter.
Mühlenberger, I'll have to call you back.
Schultz, just before you left here, you searched him, didn't you? You searched him! I think I can say almost positively that I believe so.
Schultz! Anything wrong, sir? Hogan, get out of here.
I want that man in here! My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter.
Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you, but now my feeling is much stronger.
I'm glad you finally cleared me, sir.
Not exactly.
escaped from Stalag 6.
Eight of them I've recaptured.
Excellent work, Major Hochstetter, but may I point out to you that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem? Never an escape, never so much as, as, as, as until today, sir, but that was an official transfer.
Of the eight men I captured, one talked.
He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13.
Would you have any idea why? Bad sense of direction? I do not think so.
Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp? That is exactly what I intend to find out.
I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel.
Anyone trying to get out will be caught.
Anyone trying to get in will be caught.
Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.
I do not want your cooperation, Klink.
All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners.
I will deal with all of you later! Major Hochstetter, may I point out my relationship ( grunts ) with the Gestapo is the most cordial cordial.
( clanging ) Someone wants to come up.
I gave orders they were to stay down.
LeBEAU: Newkirk! I forgot me toothbrush, sir.
You couldn't live without us, huh? You were on your way to England.
I am, sir.
Still am, as a matter of fact.
Well? Well, uh I sort of had an obligation to Gretel, sir.
That's the girl who was with me in Hammelburg when they picked me up.
I just wanted to make sure she was all right.
So you stopped off in Hammelburg.
Uh yes, sir.
She's a wonderful girl-- Gretel.
Marvelous sort of qualities, if you know what I mean.
Good, I'd like to meet her sometime.
So what happened? You're not just saying that, sir? You'd really like to meet her? Newkirk, what are you trying to tell me? Well, actually, sir, she wanted me to help her move to another place, you see, because the police were watching her there.
Well, when we did, the Gestapo boys got on our trail.
While I was trying to give them the slip, we sort of found ourselves at the You want to meet the Colonel, Gretel? Here she is.
Look at that.
Whoo-hoo! What a beautiful girl! You brought her in from the outside all the way through the tunnel? Uh yes, sir, I did, yes.
She saw everything we have down below? Yes, it was fascinating.
I never thought it possible.
You're a great man, Colonel Hogan-- a very great man.
Of course, he has had help.
We can get acquainted later.
Right now, we've got a problem.
Hochstetter has a few hundred Gestapo around Stalag 13, and we've got ten prisoners to get out.
And what will you do then, Colonel? I've got a plan.
Excuse me.
Oh, isn't that clever? NEWKIRK: You like it? Now here.
This is the interior of the compound.
That's Colonel Klink's office there.
We're over here.
Now, the plan is this.
A company of airborne makes a parachute drop here.
Inside the camp? Inside the camp.
In the confusion, the ten escapees will come up and join them.
And they all fight their way through the fence here, where they're picked up by transport planes that land in the field here.
Colonel, you are joking.
I like it.
SCHULTZ ( outside ): Open the door! Schultz! All right, stand back against the wall.
Stay out of sight as much as possible.
SCHULTZ: Open the door! Open the door! I'm going to count till three.
If you don't open the door, I'm going to break in.
One two three! Who was holding the door? I want to know! No one, Schultz.
It sticks in the warm weather.
But it's freezing outside.
It's a pleasure to see your mind work.
No compliments, Colonel Hogan.
I have bad trouble, and I think it's because of you.
Where did Newkirk get the gun? You will tell me everything.
HOGAN: Of course we will, Schultz.
Now, come over here.
Ah! No, no.
From now on, I have only one rule.
If you ask me to go over there, I go over here.
Right, Newkirk? Right, Schultz.
Because it has been my experience, whenever you ask me to do something, it is much better for me Newkirk? Sorry, Schultz, tried to save you.
Save me? ( chuckles ) I've recaptured him.
Tracked him through the snow.
Tracked him through the snow, under great hardship and great danger, till finally, finally Found him in his own barracks.
How did he get there, Schultz? I don't know how he get there.
I don't care how he get there.
The most important thing for me is Come here.
I leave it up to you.
It is more important for It's a girl.
Explain that, Schultz, especially to Hochstetter.
I see nothing.
I hear nothing.
I see nothing! Halt! Ein Moment.
Who said that? GRETEL: I did.
You will wait.
Why? Because I'm going with you to the office of the commandant with my report.
Come.
She was on their side, and you showed her everything.
Nice going, old buddy.
But she seemed so sincere-like.
Everybody down in the tunnel, sir? No.
Oh, that's right.
First, we have to warn those parachute troops.
There aren't any parachute troops.
You knew she was a spy all along, huh? I didn't know.
That's why I had to play it safe.
Carter, get on a Luftwaffe uniform.
You're going to be a general.
Yes, sir.
Newkirk, get down in the tunnel.
Right, sir.
After you get down there, set off the explosives that closes up this entrance, and let's just hope the barracks doesn't go down with it.
Right, Colonel.
After you set off the explosives, get the ten men out the other end.
Hochstetter will pull the Gestapo in the camp.
The way will be clear.
Do I go out with them, sir? No, you'll wait a while, then turn yourself in at the main gate.
Oh, great! I can talk me way out of anything with old Klink.
Yeah, but you won't be so lucky with us.
Get going.
Yes, sir.
Major Hochstetter, may I assure you that everything this woman has reported is impossible-- completely impossible.
Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar? Why would I do a thing like that? Because your head is in the noose, Klink.
You have been running a country home for prairie dogs.
They dig while you sleep.
Wake up, Klink.
Enjoy the little time you have left.
Major Hochstetter, I shall certainly try.
With a tunnel entrance right in his own barracks, I would certainly think, Major, that this fat one over here will have some knowledge.
Ordinarily it is true, Herr Major, but I have signed certificates from all of my teachers that I Whatever you know, I will get it out of you later.
I want men to go with me to that barracks.
Pick Skrobar, Schabitz and Gunn, schnell! Immediately, Herr Major.
And now, Klink ( explosion ) What was that? The airborne attack-- it has begun.
It is nothing, Klink! Nothing? I thought you did not believe our informant.
Major Hochstetter, I was merely indicating to you that sometimes these things are difficult to accept.
You said impossible.
The difficult, I believe immediately.
The impossible sometimes takes a little longer.
Schultz, will you get up? It's disgraceful.
Achtung! Uh-huh the end of the trail, Colonel Hogan.
How's that again, Major? We have come for a look at your downstairs apartment.
You will show us the way? You've been listening to rumors again.
Something a little more substantial.
Open the secret passage, my dear.
Of course, Major Hochstetter.
Right this way.
I saw them activate it from a hidden panel on this bunk.
Colonel Hogan, that you were able to operate for so long is a tribute to the stupidity of your beloved commandant.
Or is it complicity, Klink? No, indeed, Major.
Stupidity.
That's entirely correct, Herr Major.
Well? I I was sure it was right here, Major.
Are you sure this is the bunk they lift up? Yes.
This bunk out.
Chop through the floor.
Use your axes.
It's better that way.
It has the Gestapo touch.
Quiet! Chop! What's going on here? No one calls attention for a general? What kind of army is this? SCHULTZ: Achtung! Thank you.
And you, Major Hochstetter, the Gestapo is now conducting bunk inspections? Time is heavy on your hands, ja? I do not believe I know you.
It is your business to know me.
I am Luftwaffe General Von Siedelburg.
Ask Klink.
He knows me.
Certainly I know you, General Siedelburg.
I am in charge of security of all Luftwaffe prisoner-of-war camps.
I have been looking for you, Hochstetter.
What are you doing here besides inspecting bunks? ( chuckles ) I have uncovered a giant plot in one of your camps, General.
Ten of the escapees from Stalag 6-- the other eight of whom I have captured-- are down below us in a tunnel.
The prisoners here equip them with money, papers and clothing and send them out of the country.
Is that correct, Klink? Well, I I've been watchfully waiting, sir.
Good.
Show us your tunnel.
Well? There is nothing but dirt, Herr Major.
So? What do you do in dirt, eh? You dig.
Dig! Jawohl, Herr Major.
Bunk inspection and now gardening? We will find the tunnel.
Do not worry.
I have stopped worrying.
( laughs, snorts ) Perhaps you should start.
The chart Where is the chart showing the parachute drop? It's right over here, Major.
Show me.
Excuse me.
Dig! There it is.
Aha! Just a minute, Major.
To us, this is almost sacred ground.
Out of the way, Hogan.
Happy digging.
Well, Klink, how do you explain this, huh? What is this? You do not know, Major? There was a chart, Major.
I am sure.
Of how many things can you be so sure that are not so? I must defend her.
The information she has brought us on you has been most accurate.
What information? Oh, mostly black market, a little extortion, a few more personal matters.
No.
No, it isn't true.
I'm defending you.
Does that complete your investigation, Major? You will come with me for intensive questioning.
Take her away.
And what of the ten escapees? The trail grows cold while you're here with your gardening and looking at girlie pictures, huh? They will be caught.
At least you have confidence.
Klink Oh, yes, General, I am so glad that the general knows now that these rumors about Stalag 13 are totally unfounded.
Klink, take a lesson from what happened at Stalag 6.
Too many prisoners transferred.
Too many prisoners transferred.
Hmm, stirred them up.
I'm sending their commandant to the Russian front.
Rest assured, General Don't shout.
It has always been my policy, it always will be my policy-- no transfers.
Hmm.
What about Newkirk? Forget it.
I shall keep my eye on you, Major Hochstetter.
And I will keep my eye on you, Hogan.
You have not heard the last of this.
Stop digging! Do you have anything to say in your own defense, Corporal Newkirk? Yes, sir, I have.
In the first place, even though I've talked old Klink into letting me back in, I still got 30 days in the cooler hanging over me head.
So? In the second place, even though I broke security by bringing that girl in through the tunnel, I plead extenuating circumstances, as it were.
As it were what? Ah Sir, I put it to you this way.
Here I am, one of the most knowledgeable concerning the female sex, and yet I completely misread the character of the first female I came in contact with.
What's the answer? Lack of practice.
Cooped up in this box, day after day, with no contact whatsoever, a man goes to seed.
What's my plea? Don't indict me; indict the system.
Newkirk, you made a point.
I did, sir? You exposed a basic weakness.
From now on, rotating weekend passes in Hammelburg.
You first, LeBeau, then Kinch, then Carter.
Thank you, sir.
Great.
I'm going to go to the zoo.
Uh sir, as it was my idea, do you think I might get a little something out of it? Oh, you will, Newkirk, you will-- the satisfaction of knowing you're making these men better, well rounded, more balanced fighting men.
Well, it's about all a man can hope for, isn't it, Colonel?