In Living Color (1990) s03e20 Episode Script

Hi! I'm Kathie Lee Gifford.
If you're a busy person like me, you'd love that deep, dark Saint-Tropez tan.
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but you just don't have the three to four weeks to lie in the sun and get it.
Well, here's the good news.
Now nature's loss is your gain at fast-tanning Club Ozone.
Ba-ba, da-da-da If my friends could see me now! Of course, my friends probably can't see me.
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because their retinas have been burnt to a crisp.
We've peeled back the Earth's stratosphere here at Club Ozone.
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so you can get the deep, dark tan you want.
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in just 15 minutes.
And our patented plumperstell you when you're done.
Our special aerosol tanning oilnot only burns you to the bone.
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but also helps burn awaythat unwanted ozone layer.
Oops.
Looks like this onegot a little overdone.
[Laughing.]
[Man.]
Hi.
I'm a busy executive.
You know, in just 15 minutesat Club Ozone.
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I got such a deep, deep tan.
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that when I went home, I got pulled over by the police twice.
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and the bank even recalled my loan.
And it's my bank! Now, that's what I call a tan.
Club Ozone.
We're your fast-tanning vacation spot.
Club Ozone, expanding soonto a location near you.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a trip and sip on a dream Glide with the guide on a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, go Go, go, go, go Oh, yo.
What's up, man? Hey, man.
How's it going? Nothin'.
School's out, man.
Summer vacation.
No more teachers for the whole three months.
- I know, and no more Mr.
Macafee.
- You mean Mac-a-feeble.
- [Loud Tones.]
- All right, people.
Freeze! No need to worry, people, 'cause Al Macafee's here.
One of the few, the proud, the McBurger security guards.
You know our motto: " Keep your eyes on the fries and our guns on your buns.
" Come on! I saw that, you little line crosser.
Don't make me chase you.
- Oh, man.
- It's time you heard Macafee's speech on cutting line.
Don't try doing cut-sies or I'll hang my foot in your little butt-sie.
- With what, your Franken-foot? - Oh, oh! I heard that.
You better curb your tongue, little man, or you'll be out on the curb.
- Give me a break, man.
- Oh, yeah, you deserve a break today.
Right on your noggin! Now, get lost, Ziggy Marley.
All right, troublemakers! Off the premises.
You better mind your business, sugar foot, before I break that DuPont leg.
- Oh, are you a bully, son? - That's what my mother told me.
All right, son.
Take a punch at a real man.
Come on, boy! Oh! Now, you make me sick, you little rapscallion.
I thought I told you to leave the premises.
There are people starving, and you think it's funny playing with your food? - Those bullies beat me up! - Excuse me, son? Bullies? - Those bullies.
- I don't see any bullies.
Next thing you're gonna tell me that the Burger King himself is in the back room.
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showing all the kids his Whopper.
Get out of here, you rat boy! Hey! We weren't done with that yet! - My retainer was in that tray! - Hold it right there, missy.
Don't make me chase you.
You want a hamburger? You'll march right up to the counter and pay for it.
- You threw my retainer in there.
- Oh, I thought I heard that.
You make me sick.
What are you doing with a birth control device in the first place? You want some birth control, little lady?I'll give you birth control.
Close your drive-through window, keep your two hands off the Whopper.
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and maybe you won't be knocked up next time.
Now, take a hike, you little trollop, and take your pimp with you.
Jungle fever's one thing, but that's ridiculous.
Oh, glory be.
Ruthie, my own special sauce.
Guess you got yourself a Big Mac attack, didn't you, honey? Boy, I'd like to be a caboose on this love train.
- Hey! Stop! - Ride up on it.
I'm just getting my lunch, and your ugly face makes me want to spit up my breakfast.
- Oh, Ruthie, I wish I hadn't seen that.
- Seen what? What? You stole some extra napkins.
What else do you want? Straws, honey? I can get you all the straws you want.
You know I'm a security guard.
Al, did somebody knock you upside your head when you were a kid or something? I'm gonna let you go this time, but promise me you'll get some help.
Like maybe I can come over to your house tonight.
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show you something else to do with those hands besides the five-finger discount? Come on, baby.
I'd let Ted Bundy, the Boston Strangler and Jack the Ripper give me help.
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before I'd let you near me.
So, you're into white boys, are you? How 'bout giving the old Mac truck a test drive? You know what I say.
Don't start the engine if you're not gonna drive it.
Doorbell! Ow! I won, I won! I won $10,000! All right.
Hold it right there, Urkel.
Let me see this thing.
What are you doing gambling at your age, son? It's not gambling.
It's a scratch-off game card, Mr.
Macafee.
Scratch-and-sniff card, son? [Snorting.]
I don't smell anything.
It's a game card, and I'm gonna use the money to put towards my tuition.
My father never went to college, and his father never went to college either.
It's no reason none of you went to college.
You're a family full of knuckleheads! - Mr.
Macafee.
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- Let me tell you something.
That's reason enough not to get into gambling.
Let me tell you something.
One day it's game cards, and the next you're a bagman for the damn mob.
- [Sniffling.]
- Let me give you Mr.
Macafee's speech on gambling.
Son, don't rely on Lady Luck 'cause she's nothing but a tramp.
Now get lost.
Yeah, I think I told him who's in charge here.
Al Macafee, that's who.
Excuse me.
- Did I just hear you say you're in charge here? - You got it, bucko.
Uh-uh.
And you're just the only security guard for the entire restaurant? Betcha by golly wow! - You got one of them big old guns? - No, sirree de bobblewinkles.
Just 21 years of jujitsu and my little can of mace.
Yeah, I got two years in the pen and six bullets.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God! - We're being robbed! - [Screaming.]
- Maybe you heard Macafee's speech on cooperation? Ask me once, and I'll do it twice.
Shut up.
Empty the registers.
Come on.
I'd like to move faster, son, but I've got a bum leg.
- [Dance.]
- [Grunting.]
Hello, everyone! I'm Richard Simmons.
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and I've spent a lot of time and made a lot of money.
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making overweight people cry on all my annoying diet shows.
And now I'm back with a brand-new diet plan.
But first, I'd like you to meet someone who's really special.
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a real inspiration, Amoeba Standstill.
Wait till you see this one! Amoeba, how are you? Hi, Richard.
Hello, everyone.
You know, Richard.
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- [Grunting.]
- It's okay, Amoeba.
Rest your neck.
She tries so hard.
! Richard, before I joined your new Shed A Bed Diet Program.
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all I used to do was think about food.
I mean, after sex, my husband would go smoke a cigarette.
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and I'd smoke a ham.
Your husband had sex with you? Ewww! What a guy.
And I was on top.
Richard, I've dropped from a king-size to a queen-size bed.
My goal is to be in a full-size bed by the end of the year.
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and I know I can do it, I know I can! - I know you can too, Amoeba! - [Screaming.]
But listen, honey, you're gonna have to start crying soon.
We're running out of time.
- [Piano.]
- Just once.
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I'd like to have gone to the beach for a swim.
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without having Japanese fishermen trying to harpoon me.
Can you blame them? But now that I'm dieting.
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I can visualize myself lying on a tropical beach.
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the sun beating down on me, shimmering in simsim oil.
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with a thong bikini just stuck up my behind.
Eww! What is this? This looks like what David slew Goliath with.
[Imitates Slinging.]
The weight wasn't just a problem for me, but for my family as well.
I guess you can say I owe a lot to my husband.
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who I thought deserted me in 1982.
But after I lost 200 pounds, I found him.
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right under my armpit! I bet he cried when the search party gave up! All we can say is.
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[Both.]
Thank you, Shed A Bed Diet Program! And thank you, Richard.
Well, that's Amoeba's story.
Shed A Bed Diet Program.
Take it one ton at a time! Come on, stud.
I'm wearing licorice bikinis tonight.
Sorry.
I ate the bra already.
- Girl, stop it! - Come on! [Funk.]
[Record Scratching.]
[Man Rapping, Echoing.]
[Scratching.]
[Ends.]
[Pop.]
Sewell Park High School.
Ooh, ain't nothing like a reunion.
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to bring back some of Miss Benita's good old memories.
- Is that you? - You know it is! [Both Squealing.]
Excuse me! Hey, lookee there! There's Stayvon Evans and his childhood sweetheart.
Hey, Stayvon! Didn't you two get married in the 10th grade? - That's right.
- Ahh.
I ain't never met no man who's been faithful to his wife for 20 years.
[Laughing.]
And still haven't.
Mm-hmm.
Only thing Stayvon's been faithful to is the Trojan company.
Mm-hmm.
That man done cleared more drains than Roto-Rooter.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
[Gasps.]
Tenetha Scott! Look at you! Fifteen years, and you ain't aged a day! You gonna let me in on your secrets? [Laughing.]
Let me in on the name of her surgeon's more like it.
That girl's done seen more knives than a chef at Benihana's.
Skin pulled so tight, she can't smile without passin' gas.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
[Gasps.]
Dimbale Humphrey! Dimbale! Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Di.
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Dimbale! Oh, look at all them letters on your jacket.
You always was the fastest man on the track team.
[Laughing.]
Fastest man in the bedroom too.
Mm-hmm.
He's quicker on the trigger than the L.
A.
P.
D.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Mr.
Sturges! Oh, 'member little Benita? Remember? You made me feel so good 'cause I was left-handed, and I was so ashamed.
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but you made me feel so good.
You said you were left-handed too.
Remember? Ahh.
Mm-hmm.
The only difference is I was using my left hand to write.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Oh! Oh! Tonganika Jackson.
- Guess who! - Uh, give me a hint.
Your prize cheerleader.
- Lisa? - Girl! Uh, I'm sorry.
I was the captain of the squad.
I don't remember you.
Then I guess I'm just gonna have to refresh your memory.
[Chanting.]
Now, I ain't one to gossip, I ain't one to rag.
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but your quarterback is ugly, and your grandmother sags! [Vocalizing.]
Are you sure you were on the squad? I wasn't exactly on the squad.
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but I did try out eight times.
Then I decided I had to better myself.
So while them heifers were out there shaking their coochie.
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Ms.
Benita was in the boiler's room selling barbecued pigs' feet.
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and disposable douche bags.
Mm-hmm.
That's right, honey.
I'm gonna have me some pocket change.
[Stereo: Man Vocalizing.]
Ooh, honey! That's my song! I can't sit still when Smokey's croonin'.
- Hey, excuse me.
- You're welcome to cut in.
Uh.
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.
No, I was looking for.
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Uh, whoa, now.
I'm looking for Miss Jenkins.
Don't you say nothin' bad about Miss Jenkins.
Miss Jenkins? Come on.
That was the worst history teacher we ever had.
[Gasping.]
Don't you say nothin' bad about Miss Jenkins! She's like a mother to me.
Like a mother to me! She's a fine woman! Fine woman! Just don't let her put on a bikini.
Woman got enough hair on her booty to give herself a Jheri curl.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
[Hip-hop.]
[Woman Speaking.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
- ['80s Pop.]
- [Announcer.]
And now.
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Public Access Television Channel 53presents: Men on Vacation.
- Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
[In Unison.]
And welcome to Men on Vacation.
Today we'll be reviewing our little European vacation.
From a male point of view.
Here we are on our last stop on our whirlwind gallivant through Europa.
Wait a minute.
We got a new sponsor.
Somebody better check their mail.
Tonight's broadcast is brought to you byJewels.
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the gum that explodes in your mouth.
I bet you just can't chew one.
And who'd want to? We started our little trip in Greece.
The Greek "peoples" was so nice.
Yes.
They bent over backwards to show us a good time.
Oh, look.
Excuse me.
Not you, fish.
You go back in the sea.
Garçon.
Oh, may I have another Wallbanger? - And for monsieur? - Oui, oui.
- Bottoms up.
- Ditto.
Is that little Ricky Schroder? What's he doin' here? Don't let him see me.
- Who's that with him? - You know, I think that's Erik Estrada.
Oh, well.
Anyway.
Next we went to Holland, land of dikes.
[In Unison.]
Hated it! And from there, it was on to merry old England.
- Remember Big Ben? - Oh, how could I forget it? It was so nice of him to show us around the city.
Excuse me.
Big Ben was a clock.
Well, we both know what time that was.
You'd better stop.
You know, it's so chilly out here, my nipples are hard.
Then it was just a hop, skip and jump on to gay Paris.
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but we decided to go back to Greece instead.
And then it was on to Scotland.
You know, I found it to be quite an open society.
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where "mens" are free to explore the feminine side of their nature.
All those hairy legs and skirts holdin' them bagpipes.
Mm-hmm.
Not since the Fire Island Halloween Barn Dance.
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have I seen so many men in drag.
Just a hint, fellas: Plaid is out this fall.
Our next stop was Sweden, best known for its beautiful, buxom blondes.
[In Unison.]
Hated it! So we went back to Greece.
But it was very sad when we had to leave our soldier buddies behind.
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and travel to our final destination: The French Riviera.
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which is where we've been ever since.
Oh, yes.
And to sum up our little European vacation, we're gonna have.
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to give the whole trip a new and improved around-the-world-and-back snap.
Tell a friend.
Tune in next week, when we'll be back in the good old U.
S.
Of A.
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reviewing the new release, Memphis Belle.
It's the story of 10 young "mens" in leather jackets.
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all sweaty, standin' next to each other.
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and them long, hard bombs crammed together in a little old cockpit.
Well, grease my landing gear, I'm coming in for a landing.
- Toodle-oo! - See you next week! Bye! ['80s Pop.]
Tonight's special guest, we got Shabba Ranks and Maxi Priest.
Yeah! [Rapping.]
[Singing.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Singing.]
[Singing.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Continues.]
[Continues, Ends.]