Life in Pieces (2015) s03e20 Episode Script

You know, when you said that you wanted to hit the courts, I thought you meant the basketball court, not the food court.
Basketball? What kind of father-son bonding would that be? Wait.
Then why are you wearing workout clothes? 'Cause it absorbs the meat sweats.
And we are gonna sweat, believe you me.
Oh.
Sh Mm.
(LINE RINGING) All right, give me a second here.
Hey, sweetie, make it quick.
I'm headed into a tunnel.
Listen, I need you to pick something up for me while you're still at the mall.
Sure, babe.
Whatever you need.
It's a bra, and it's from The Pink Drawer.
No way.
You're on your own.
Tim, come on! I ruined Sam's favorite bra in the wash, and I need to replace it before she finds out.
Look, you want me to pick out a bra? Me? I'm the guy who can't even say "angina" without giggling.
(GIGGLES) See that? And I'm a doctor, Heather, and I have angina! (GIGGLES) Tim, come on, okay? She is gonna yell at me.
I am so afraid of her.
Fine.
Just text me the details.
You know I'll do anything for you.
Your mom needs you to pick out a bra for your sister.
What? One Super Funnel and one Chunnel Funnel, please.
You want anything? Can I just get some fruit? Never have kids.
Makes you have to do a bunch of stuff you don't want to do.
This isn't a big deal.
Maybe you could stand to actually engage with the female experience instead of letting it be a mystery to you.
(LAUGHS) You watch a baby explode out of your wife, and then tell me the female experience isn't a mystery.
Look, it's fine.
I'll take care of it.
Uh-huh.
- What happened? - It's all women in there.
No doy! It's a bra shop.
Yes, but I cannot invade their personal female space with my maleness.
Women get so few public safe spaces.
All right, look, hey, huddle up, huddle up.
You cannot huddle with two people.
This is just hugging.
Listen, we set out today to spend some quality time together.
Now let's get in there and do it.
Hi.
Can I help you with something? You're right.
I shouldn't be here.
Are you lost? My dad needs to buy a bra.
I'll be over there honoring the space, but not invading it.
Uh Anyway, I need a bra.
Okay, well, you look like you're about a 40A.
- Measure you - Oh, no, no, no, it's not for me.
- (GIGGLES) - Oh.
No.
Thank you for the "A," though.
Um, I need a Chloe bra, uh, in nude, size 32B.
Okay, well, this is the Chloe line right here.
Oh.
Wow.
You want a racerback, a front clasp or T-shirt? I know I need nude.
Demi? Full coverage? I just need to get nude.
I mean, just go get nude.
I mean, just I need a bra.
Okay.
(QUIETLY): Yes.
Dudes.
It's so hard to be an affront to femininity, am I right, guys? Dude, don't make this weird.
Just read ESPN.
Don't look up.
(SCOFFS) There's too many options here.
I'm in way over my head! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Babe, don't panic.
Listen, if you can find a peach-pear in the middle of a bowl of Jelly Bellys, you can find me this bra.
Why don't you just take a picture of it, and then you send it to me, and I'll let you know if it's right? There we go.
(CAMERA CLICKING) So, I've got a few options Yeah, that's it right there.
That's nice.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
No, my wife told me to do this.
Of course.
So I got a few options that, uh, your wife might be interested in.
See, I feel like you said that with air quotes, and that's kind of hurtful.
Mom? (GASPS LOUDLY) Mom, there was a boy right there, and now he knows I have boobs! Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
I mean, there Maybe there is.
I don't know.
Well, whichever's less offensive.
Told you not to look up.
Okay, this one is unlined.
Did you need lined? I just know I need nude.
What's the difference? Well, it depends if you need extra thickness for nipple protrusion.
Uh does your sister have nipple protrusion? Are you seriously asking me that? Her mother does.
Does that run in families? - I don't think I can ever unhear that.
- You know what? I'll take 'em all.
- I'm done.
Let's move on.
- Okay.
- Everything I've shown you? - Yes! All the bras, every single bra.
Here's my card.
- This is great.
- Pick something out for yourself.
- Thank you.
- I don't care.
Just put it in a Foot Locker bag and get us out of here.
(BEEP) (BEEP) Oh.
This bra comes with a free pair of panties.
We're kind of in a rush to get out of here, so It's a free pair of panties.
Why don't you want it? (CHUCKLES) All right, go pick out a pair of panties.
Do I have to? Son, I said go pick out a pair of panties! (GIGGLES) (BEEP) Hey.
Huddle up.
If looking like a pervert is what it takes to get some quality bonding time with my son, then you count me as the most depraved pervert in this whole damn town.
(SIGHS) Thanks, Dad.
Maybe next weekend, you can come to that art gallery opening with me.
Nah.
Okay.
- Did you get my e-mail? - Mm-hmm.
I'm hoping to revive the tradition of a family cookbook, and I was gonna ask you for a recipe.
I know you don't cook, but it could be anything, anything at all, something easy.
Like, I've heard your scrambled eggs are diner quality.
Yeah, they sure are.
So is my career in law.
Everything about me, really, is diner quality.
Wonderful.
And don't forget the story behind the recipe.
You know, like how you can cook scrambled eggs.
She always twists that knife right at the end.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, who has a family cookbook? You know how my family shows love? By fighting over who pays the check at Chinese restaurants.
Well, so then don't put in a recipe.
I mean, you don't have anything to prove.
Yeah, but then there won't be any recipe from us.
I mean, what's Lark gonna think? That her mom can't cook? I want her to learn that from the garbage I serve her, not from some book.
Okay, well, then let's just try and look for a recipe for something that we love, you know? Oh, like the, uh, the She-Crab soup from Maribella's.
Yeah, but isn't that, like, cheating? Well, I mean, it's fudging the truth a little bit.
Like that 10K we said we ran.
We bought the shirts to prove that we were there.
That soup is what we had on our first date.
- Yeah.
- Right? So, when Lark reads this recipe in the book, she'll know that it represents something special to us.
That we were willing to lie to make her feel a part of something.
Yeah.
I'm into it.
Okay.
Only problem is, we can't take my parents to Maribella's.
Mm-hmm.
I'm into it.
GREG: Okay, we're here.
- What's the big surprise? - Oh, you're here! - I've got a big surprise! - JEN: Yeah.
I feel like we've established there's a surprise.
Oh.
Well, Jen, I-I was so touched by the recipe that you sent - and the story behind it.
- Oh.
You know, your "booba" Luba Svanya.
- Bubbe.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Bubbe Luba Svanya.
- Yeah, that's it.
- You know, hiding from the Russians - and the boxes of crabs.
- Right.
Boy, she had to have thick skin in more ways than one.
Anyway, I was so eager to taste the soup that I got a case of crabs.
What? From a fisherman.
In Maryland.
What are you talking about? (GRUNTS) I've got crabs! I'm so excited to learn from you.
How do you make your roux? Hmm.
Well, uh, obviously, Mom, it-it starts with a pot.
And it starts with a crab.
Ah.
(QUIETLY): No? Uh, well, no.
A traditional roux, you thicken the flour with some butter and milk on a low flame.
- Sure.
- Right? I mean, I don't know how your your bubbe did it, but Yeah, and a-actually, you know, it was my great-great bubbe.
My-my "grubbe.
" And your great-great grubbe, she wasn't concerned that that the crab wasn't kosher? The rabbi gave her a waiver.
- Ah.
Right.
Right.
- Mm-hmm.
Add one clove of garlic.
One clove.
Or one entire head of garlic with the skin still on.
Oh, it's so rustic.
Ah.
Next is dry sherry.
Ooh! I have some in the bathroom.
How do I dry sherry? It's liquid.
It's an adjective, honey.
Sherry is dry.
Like Arizona or your wit.
- Oh.
- Yeah, okay? You're smart.
- You're an attorney.
You got this.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We got this.
Yeah.
Got it.
Great.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
Oh, wow.
The seeds and all.
There's a tag on that one, honey.
It is rustic.
Great.
Voilà.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Oh, my God, it's delicious! Mmm.
It is! This is, like, the best thing I've ever made, other than Lark.
This is probably better.
You guys, I cooked.
And it's good! From her Russian soul to yours.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Dodged that bullet.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, you just have to stay with them until Tyler and Clementine get back.
You want me to babysit? I thought the whole point of having three kids was to make your own babysitter.
Yeah, well, normally Sam would do it, but she's grounded because she came home late from a boy's party.
I told you, I wasn't late.
I was on time because I don't follow daylight savings.
I ain't no farmer.
All right, girls, grab your coats and anything else you feel lucky with.
- We're going to the track.
- Oh, whoa.
Hey, no, no, no, no.
You can't take them to the track.
No, this one is grounded, and Sophia is showing addictive tendencies.
Says the woman with a purse full of scratchers.
Everyone's at hashtag "Madison's White Party" but me.
This Madison's a racist? No, Pop-Pop.
A white party just means you have to wear white.
Oh, yeah.
I got tricked into one of those once.
Trust me, it was racist.
Hang on a second.
I thought you hated Madison.
Why would you even want to go to her dumb party? Jenna and I were going to wear red to show Madison we're not sheep.
Jenna's weak.
She'll wear white.
That's my best friend.
And she won't.
She promised me.
Anyone want to make this incredibly boring conversation interesting? Your mom left this money for food.
Now, if Jenna wears white, Sophia wins the pot.
If Jenna wears red, Sam gets it.
Deal.
SOPHIA: So, along with whether Jenna is gonna wear red or white, here's what we have so far: jock spills a drink, three to one; gym teacher shows up at ten to one; and cops bust the party at 30 to one.
JOHN: I'll take those odds.
Hey, someone tweeted a photo of two girls kissing.
Anyone have that? Mm, those are two boys, and I did.
Five to one.
Pay up.
Boy, parties have changed.
We used to just steal the mascot from the other school and get it drunk.
We talking person or animal? - (CHUCKLES) - (DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, no.
- Hey, Pop-Pop.
We're here to take over the babysitting duties.
No, thanks.
The action's pretty good in here, and I'm on a hot streak.
- Fat Rob ordered a pizza.
- (CHUCKLES) Wait, are you guys gambling on a high school party? You want in? I-I think I'm a little above that, Sam.
I'm not gonna stoop to Wait, are you going ten to one on someone getting pushed into the pool? Oh, take that.
The hockey team is there.
That's their only move.
I'm in.
Scoot.
What are you betting? $20.
Changing $20! Thank you.
Who's that girl taking a selfie with Jenna? That-that's Madison.
Why does she have her arm around her? SOPHIA: And Jenna's wearing white.
So hand it over, Pops.
Take it all.
I don't care.
Sam makes the night all about her.
You owe me $10.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Hey, Sam.
You okay? All it took was me missing one party for my best friend to bail on me.
Well, maybe things will work out.
Th-That's why we gamble.
I thought you gamble because you came from a long line of degenerates.
No.
We gamble because we never know how things are gonna end.
Apparently, hashtag "Party's busted" is trending.
The police are sending everybody home right now.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Someone called the cops? Yeah, I guess so.
I shouldn't be glad, but I am.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, don't worry.
I'm not gonna let you lose a friend.
Wait, did you call the cops? Hmm? (CHUCKLES) Oh.
Oh.
Thank you, Pop-Pop.
Hey.
You had cops bust the party at 30 to one.
You know, the best part of gambling is when you know the race is fixed.
- (CHUCKLES) - And you owe me 200 bucks.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES): Right.
Oh, r-really? COLLEEN: It's so fun having you stay here.
Two half-sisters living together? It's like one whole sister.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - MATT: All righty.
Oh, is there any more coffee? - Mm.
- Oh, there is, but that's the C-word.
(CHUCKLES) Caffeine is a strict no-no for soon-to-be baby surrogates.
We did make you some hot water with lemon, which is really healthy for you.
Mm, this just tastes like water.
Yeah, we didn't have any lemon.
- Oh.
- COLLEEN: And because you are a special lady who is going to be carrying our one viable embryo, we got you a little gift.
Ah! (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) Prenatal pills! Yum! - Oh.
Yum.
Thank you.
No, this is great.
So much better than a purse or jewelry or anything you don't swallow.
Can I get that, uh, childproof lid for you? - Here we go.
- Guys.
Guys, come on.
(CHUCKLES) I get what you're doing, okay? I know how important this is to you.
Okay.
- She didn't take a pill.
- It's okay.
We can crush one up in her cereal tomorrow.
Yeah.
MATT: Thank you, guys, so much for having us.
And for the healthy meal.
We've been trying to force Rita to eat better, but no one's into lean protein when you have the munchies.
Yeah.
Well, you know what, listen, we're happy to do it.
The greener the better, right? For Rita and for us.
Yeah, why do we have to be punished? I mean, I don't even know what utensil to use.
Which fork is for throwing stuff in the garbage? I think we should be eating like this more, instead of sucking the soul out of some poor animal.
Oh, come on.
You ate salmon last night.
- And it was deeply traumatic.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) Ooh, that's Rita.
Come on in! Door's open! - Hi-ee! - Hi-ee! I brought fried chicken! - Oh, great! - No, no, no, no, no You can put that right here.
(MUTTERS) - COLLEEN: Do something, Matt.
- MATT: Oh! Wow, Rita! That's really fried.
Yeah, they call it double-fried.
It's where they bread fried chicken and then they fry it.
Oh, I can't believe you waited in that line.
- Yeah.
- Did you get a side of the deep fried pizza? - Oh, did I.
(CHUCKLES) - This stuff melts in your mouth 'cause of a special chemical they put in the dippin' sauce.
It's less of a dipping sauce and more of a salty pudding, - 'cause it's so thick.
- Okay, thank you.
You know what? Rita's not gonna have any of this, because salty pudding is off-limits.
I mean, we're implanting our embryo in two weeks, so whatever you eat now is gonna be lining your uterine wall.
No, trust me.
You eat this stuff, it does not stop to say hello.
It just comes and goes.
Speaking of which excuse me for a moment.
Fine.
I mean, am I even allowed to sit here? HEATHER (CHUCKLES): Uh, well, Rita, hey.
That's my seat.
MATT: Okay.
How about some salad? - Huh? Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Ooh.
Mmm.
Ooh, yum! Wasn't that just in the trash? Oh, nope.
Not all of it.
Okay.
Matt! Matt! Wake up! Is she back? No.
Not yet.
Why do you keep waking me up every ten minutes to tell me she's not back yet? Because I am worried, and I need you to be worried with me.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
, and Rita's still missing.
Unless she's been gone for at least 48 hours, she's not technically considered missing.
I learned that from watching all those shows where the girl ends up dead.
- (GASPS) - Oh, crap.
Yeah, exactly.
She could be lying in a ditch somewhere.
Or-or, worse, she could be finding another sister to be a surrogate for.
Oh, honey.
Come here.
- Come here, come here, come here.
- (WHIMPERS) I'm sure that she's probably not dead.
- (WOMEN LAUGHING) - RITA: Wait, shh! My sister and her old husband are probably asleep.
Hi.
No, we're awake.
And roughly the same age.
It looks like you had fun, so that's good.
Yeah.
It was so good.
This guy that I let feel me up called me pretty.
Isn't that sweet? KIM: And the bar closed at 2:00, but the bartender had this really cool van he let us drive around in.
He gave me a tattoo.
(CHUCKLES) I can't wait to see what it is.
Well, I'm just glad you're home safe and sound.
Except for you, dear.
You may have hepatitis.
Okay.
It's, uh, it's time to hit the sack.
Let's go.
Come on.
Oh.
No, we're actually just coming back here to change and then go back out.
Or we could party here.
I mean, it depends on what you guys are planning.
Are you, like, gonna stay or? 'Cause we definitely didn't buy enough to share.
Am I still sleeping right now? No, no.
You're wide awake.
And now you're mad, because I'm mad.
Rita, this is unacceptable.
You cannot be acting like a child when you're supposed to be having one for us.
Ooh, Rita, I think your mom is pissed.
You agreed to take care of yourself, and you are doing the exact opposite.
And, Matt, you're supposed to be mad, and you're not doing anything.
She is not Rita's mom, okay? Yeah.
What, you don't think I'm taking care of myself? No, Rita! And we're sick of it! Well, if you're sick of it, you can find another surrogate! What does it pay? And do I have to sleep with Rita's dad? Rita, what are you doing? I'm leaving.
This was a huge mistake.
Why are you acting like this? I don't even know if I can get pregnant.
What if my womb is too tiny and it squeezes the baby and the baby comes out too small or, like, too big? The pressure to give you this baby (SIGHS) I don't want to disappoint you.
No, no, you won't.
Because just offering to be our surrogate is the most incredible thing anyone has ever done for me.
And Matt one time bought me earrings he thought were diamonds.
(CHUCKLES) And if it doesn't happen? Then it doesn't.
At least I still have this special bond with my sister.
(SNORING) - He's the same amount of happy as me.
- Mm.