Mad About You s03e20 Episode Script

FRAN: Okay.
Check this out.
JAMIE: Wow, is that from sex? Uh-huh.
Good for you.
(CHUCKLING) I know.
* Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! Okay.
Fran and I drew up some preliminary figures.
How much? Oh, James, I only got one store.
You want to expand into mail order, this is what it costs.
PAUL: Honey? What? Where's my lucky socks? I'm washing them.
Here, how about this photographer thing? Do we really need that? You what? They're in the laundry.
It's a catalogue.
You need pictures.
Why? Why? Because they were dirty.
Because you do.
Babe, today is the day I'm supposed to hear about my grant.
A man needs his lucky socks.
I could take the pictures.
Wear my lucky socks.
You can't take the pictures.
Sure I can.
Your lucky socks are pink.
You know what? You're giving me a headache.
BOTH: Who? Both of you.
I just put them in the dryer.
Oh, jeez.
James, why can't I take the pictures? Because you need a professional.
Okay.
But this much? It's Duvalier.
The dictator? Yes, he's looking for work, actually.
The product photographer.
You've been talking about this all year.
You want it to be right, don't you? Yeah, yeah.
I don't know how I'm gonna pay for it.
Well, if you want to wait, we should wait.
No.
No.
No.
Now is the time.
I just I gotta find a way.
You want some coffee? If it's free.
I saw Susannah at school yesterday.
Oh, yeah? She said things with you two are pretty What? Nothing, but I'm glad.
Did you find them? Yeah, they were underneath, like, a thousand towels.
Ugh.
You put his socks in with my towels? Oh, get a grip on yourself.
What--What are you doing? You're bringing over your dirty towels now? No.
They're not dirty towels.
They're new towels.
You got to wash before use.
You bought new towels? Yeah, so? So, Susannah, huh? Susannah what? Oh, come on.
You've been wiping your hands on your pants since 1964.
New towels? I know.
Okay, settle down.
Honey, honey, these are wet.
Hey, I'm not goin' out there without these socks.
Just, you do your little business.
You know something, I always wanted to be an 800 number.
Isn't that cool? Oh, I feel lucky now.
(SOCKS SQUISHING) MAN: He shoots.
Boom! I mean, bang! I mean, I almost made up a new word.
Hey, dude, well, where do you get that except for in Boston? PAUL: Exactly.
I mean, and you'd go wild.
I used to turn the TV off and put the radio on just to listen to Johnny Most.
PAUL: There you go.
Oh, yeah, you should move to Boston.
All right, uh, terrific.
Yeah.
I think-- I think we got it.
It's good.
Yeah.
(DOORKNOB CLICKING) Okay, nice talking to you.
Okay.
Was that the door? No.
You would think the mail would be here by now, wouldn't you? Why do they call it Boston Cream Pie? What? It's a cake.
I don't know.
Why don't they let you know by phone? You know what I mean? "Hello, Mr.
Buchman, you've won the grant.
" Simple.
Think about it.
It's got no crust.
You can put a candle in it But, no, they've gotta mail it to you.
Pie my ass.
I mean, they're closing up Boston Garden, that's a film.
(SOCKS SQUISHING) Just give me my money, let me finish the movie.
Are you squishing? What? Oh It's my socks.
Why do they call 'em socks? What is with you today? (DOOR OPENING) All right, here we go.
Here we go.
What do you think? We got it? Not a good sign.
Can we help you? Hello, Paulie.
Marianne? Surprise! Marianne.
Surprise.
Marianne.
Surprise.
Good one.
I'm his cousin.
Sid Novak, charmed.
Okay.
First of all, she's not my cousin.
Through marriage, and then divorce.
You know Ira? Sure.
How would you like to have a nice cinnamon crawler? Oh, that would be divine.
I'll get it for you.
So this is where you work? Yeah.
Listen, a-aren't you supposed to be in Monaco or something? Luxembourg.
You know, they're very sensitive about that.
All right.
E-Either way, how come-- how come you're not there? Paul, the Count is dead.
What Count? My husband.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't be.
He had a good life.
He had fun.
He got to be a Count.
All right.
Well, in that case, nice to see you.
Thanks for coming by.
Come on, Paulie, don't tell me you still hold a grudge.
I mean, Ira forgave me.
Why can't you? Ira is just a more evolved person.
I promise I didn't come back to this continent to make trouble for you or any of your relatives.
Yeah, I'm-- I'm sure that's true.
Is it too much to ask, a little compassion for a grieving widow? Oh, Paulie He was so classy.
It'll-- It'll-- It'll be okay.
(SOBBING) I don't know.
Sure.
(BLOWING NOSE) All right, come on.
Come on.
There.
Oh, thank you.
(SIGHS) So how's Ira? You know what you did? You washed the luck right out of these.
JAMIE: All right then.
Seriously.
Look at my day.
I--I--I didn't get my grant, and then Marianne shows up.
Plus, I found a, like, a big eyelash in my egg salad.
An eyelash? A big long eyelash.
How do you know it wasn't a hair? Because I'm deciding it was a eyelash.
Put on your shoes.
They'll be here any minute.
All right.
Oh, do me a favor.
Do not mention to Ira that Marianne is back in town.
You know she's gonna go see him.
Well, not necessarily.
'Cause I told her, you know, he's involved in a thing and he's getting his life in order.
You convinced her? Well, plus he's in Brazil.
Brazil? On a mountain in Brazil.
He'll be fine.
Well, you know, Ira's been doing great.
So? So traditionally, Ira doesn't do so good with great.
What does that mean? All right, 1974, he's about to win a scholarship to Berklee School of Music, the night before his SATs he decides to try peyote.
All right.
It's not like All right, three years ago he's up for the job at Nike.
He goes into the final interview, he's wearing PF Flyers.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) Still.
All I'm saying is he's finally found a terrific woman.
I'm not gonna let him screw it up.
You know something, you're very sweet.
Yeah, well, you've got some nice qualities yourself.
Hi, you ready? One second.
Hi.
So, uh, see anybody today? Like who? I don't know.
I'm just making conversation.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, Jamie, I got those psyche notes you wanted.
He bought towels.
I heard.
Wait, now he's telling people he bought towels? Yeah.
Oh, this is moving way too fast.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
We've got to get tickets still.
Hello.
Who's hungry? Brazil, huh? Like I fell off the turnip truck.
Hello, Ira.
Marianne.
Surprise.
Where'd you come from? The Plaza.
(CHUCKLING) Hello, old Jamie.
Aw.
And you who I do not know.
Susannah.
Susannah, this is Marianne.
Actually, it's Contessa Marianne, but why be formal? I'm his ex.
I know.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
You know, Marianne, we were just goin' out, so So, now you don't have to.
Honey, get some plates.
Sure.
Oh, you don't have to get plates, sweetie.
Okay.
Let's see now.
We have, oh, I got caviar, champagne, steak tartar, steak not so tartar.
Oh, maybe some flatware.
Yeah, okay.
Love her.
Oh, yeah, she's terrific.
Marianne, what are you doing? I thought you were in Luxembourg.
Ira, the Count is dead.
Dead? Completely.
I'm sorry.
Well, it's very tragic.
All I have left is my memories, my title, and more money than Canada.
Look, Marianne, we were actually Oh, here, fold these like ducks.
Here we go.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Hey, you want to see my Contessa stuff? That's okay.
There's stuff? Of course there's stuff.
Want to wear my tiara? It's bejeweled.
You know what, I--I really do.
PAUL: You know, you know Get my bag.
Don't-- Don't wear her tiara.
Why not? 'Cause you don't-- you don't know where it's been.
Oh, okay then, Maybe later.
You slice cheese? I have.
Go slice.
She's a keeper, Paulie.
Where's my ducks? So, how you doin'? I'm doin' good.
I'm no Contessa, but good.
You know, I--I took over the store, maybe thinking of starting a new catalogue and Oh, you need money? Actually, yeah.
That's okay.
Oh, please.
It's cumbersome.
Marianne, I--I can't take your money.
Oh, consider it a loan.
All right.
All right.
I'll think about it.
No.
No.
No.
You're not gonna think about it.
Paulie, I'll think about it.
Oh, you're just cranky because you didn't get your grant.
Fine.
I'll do the ducks.
How do you know about my grant? Sid told me over lunch.
Look, if you need a little financing No, no, no, no, I don't need any financing.
We're all fine here, Marianne.
We don't need your money.
We don't need your tiara.
I just want to try it on.
You don't-- You don't need it.
Marianne, we don't need anything from you.
Thank you.
Oh, say, I got two floor tickets for the Knicks tomorrow night.
You boys want 'em? Yeah.
Hey She's got 'em, they're gonna go to waste.
Fine, then I'm trying on the tiara.
I don't want you to put on the tiara.
Oh, come on.
Let's go heat up the fras gois.
She's looking good, huh? What are you-- What are you doing? What? We're old friends.
You--You Come on, you bought new towels.
Don't-- Don't start this.
Start what? I'm thinking of maybe taking a business loan, that's all.
Have you forgotten what this woman does to you? IRA: Paulie, do me a favor, don't worry about it.
Hey, hey, hey.
She forgot toast points.
What is this? I'm wearing the tiara.
Hi.
Hey, I thought you were in school today.
We're gonna study here.
What are you doing? (SIGHS) Goin' over small merchant loans.
For what? 'Cause it helps me unwind.
I just want Ira to know what his options are.
I thought we agreed not to get involved.
Yeah, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna let him get ensnared by Marianne again? He's not ensnared.
I'm telling you, this woman, she's got a power over him.
What power? The power of ensnarement.
Once she reels him in, she throws him back.
She reels him in, she throws him back.
She reels him in All right, I get it.
she throws him back.
Thank you, I get it.
Aren't you guys going to the game? Yeah.
Hey, yes.
Yes.
Wave to me.
What? On TV.
I'm gonna be watching the game.
You know what, I'll wave to you now.
Come on, ready, splinky? Courtside.
Paulie, two on the floor.
Can you believe it? It's like Nicholson, but it's us.
Listen, I just need you to sign these papers, then we can go.
What kind of papers? These are for the loan, from Marianne.
When did this happen? We had lunch this afternoon.
Why did you go and do that for? Because I was hungry and she was paying.
You don't need Marianne.
Listen, I checked out some banks for you.
Banks? They charge interest.
She's not charging interest? No.
She said she still felt bad about the peyote.
So sign them, will you? Why do I have to sign this? Because, like an idiot, I went and made you a silent partner in a business.
Come on, Paulie, we've got floor seats.
So I have to sign this? Yeah.
Or you don't get the money? Yes.
You know what? No.
What? Trust me, I'm doing this for your own good.
Hey, hey, hey, I don't need you to protect me, okay? I never did.
Yeah, all right.
How about when you spilled milk on Matty Escobar? Hey, come on.
I could have handled him.
You were crying like a little girl.
Come on.
Look, we're not kids anymore.
Just take the pen.
I'm not taking it.
You're taking the pen.
I'm not taking it.
I'm not taking it! Oh, this is just great.
I mean, this is easy for you, Paulie, but I work for a living.
Excuse me, what do you think I do? Oh, come on.
You sit up there making your little movies, eating your crullers.
You know what, let's get going before this gets really ugly.
What, like your shoes? (WHISTLING) Now--Now, you're just flailing wildly.
You know what? I don't even want to go to a basketball game with you.
Suit yourself.
I'm going.
Yeah, well, I'm sure as hell not not going.
All right, here, you know what, here's your ticket.
Great.
Enjoy yourself.
I will.
Good.
So will I.
Good luck.
(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) (CROWD CHEERING) (WHISTLE BLOWING) (BLOWING) Hey, would you two lighten up? What? Just knock it off.
You're throwing my game.
You guys, actually, you notice people? Ssh.
You're such a putz.
What did you say? No.
No.
No.
I wasn't-- I wasn't talking to you.
I was-- Hey, come on.
I wasn't talking All right, come on, let's not-- let's not get crazy.
Hey! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) (WHISTLE BLOWING) COMMENTATOR: There seems to be a little trouble happening courtside, where Ewing and some crazed fan are mixing it up.
(CROWD BOOING) Oh, my God.
You are so good.
What are you guys doing? Just, oops, just working.
Yeah? Need some help? No.
No, thanks.
All right.
'Cause if you do, if you need, like, a male point of view or a tie breaker, I'm right in here.
All right.
I'll give you $200 to take him to the park.
What is the matter with him? He hasn't spoken to Ira in five days.
It's like he doesn't know what to do with himself.
Hey, get me, I'm Carrie Fisher.
You thought that was funny yesterday.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) Fran, will you get that? It's Ira.
Sure.
Why is he coming over here? We have to go over the catalogue.
I'm not signing those papers.
I'm not getting in the middle of this.
Oh, what, I don't know what you're doing? What am I doing? What, you invite him over and then suddenly we start talking and then things are hunky-dory again.
That's right.
I was up all night mapping it out.
Well, if he wants to engage me in conversation, that's fine.
But I'll tell you something.
I'm not gonna make the first move.
The layout is looking good.
I think we really got it this time.
Okay.
Take a look at this paper stock.
It has just a hint of twig.
Yeah, I like the twig.
Ha, that's funny.
What, sweetie? The Triborough Bridge, they gotta close it for repairs.
Oh, yeah, that's a riot.
What? What? Were you talking to me? No.
All right.
Good.
(GIGGLING) Okay.
I think it's time we pick out a James, could you shut that thing off? I'm not getting in the middle of this.
Okay, we have to pick out a typeface.
Now, we were thinking the letters should be peppy but soothing.
Don't those R's look a little aggravating? In what sense? I don't know.
I'm looking at the R's, and I'm feeling something.
Aggravated? I gotta say.
(WHISTLES) All right, we have to pick out a photographer right now.
What about the French guy? Oh, no, I met him.
He doesn't do camping gear.
Can somebody hand me a Danish? What? What? What? Were you talkin' to me? No, were you talkin' to me? I said somebody.
I didn't specify.
All right.
Fine.
Fine.
All right.
Will you two just stop? Hey, if he wants to open a discussion I'm not getting in the middle of this.
(PLAYING WHISTLE) That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
That's enough.
What? What? What? Would you two please just talk to each other? Why? Because obviously you want to.
Not me.
Nor I.
(STAMMERING) You know You know, would you please do me a favor? Tell your client Tell your client that he That I'm doing this for his own good.
Tell your husband I already got a mother.
Tell your client that he's about to jump off another cliff.
Yeah, well, tell him, "Oh, yeah?" That was very clever.
Look.
This is my life, not yours.
Where do you get off here? What? What? Oh, you never had an opinion before? Yeah, but I have the grace to keep it to myself.
Oh, really? All right.
All right.
Did I tell you not to buy that '64 Corvette that you had your heart set on? Did I tell you that nobody was gonna want to see a movie about a button that you were so gung ho about? Did I tell you not to go out with her in those first few months when you were all hot and bothered? Yeah, as a matter of fact you did.
Whoa, whoa, excuse me.
Well, did you listen? No.
What am I gonna listen to you for? What do you mean you told him not to go out with me? What did I know? I met you one time.
You kept on showin' off your vocabulary.
You never told me he didn't like me.
'Cause you were so down on him I didn't want to fuel the fire.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
You didn't like me? On first impression you were a little obsequious.
You see? There, you're doing it again.
Look, look, listen to me.
Would you please tell your cousin to keep his opinions to himself? Will you please tell your wife to stop making me obsequious? Fran, do me Do me a favor? Could you please tell them both how ridiculous they're being? Would you tell your partner All right, I'm getting the hose.
Do you want me to sign the papers? Is that what you want? I believe that was the request.
Gimme.
They're at the store.
Let's go.
Okay, we're going.
Hook yourself into Marianne.
Ruin your life again.
I don't care.
Thank you.
Go ahead.
I'm going.
See if I care.
All right.
I don't.
Plenty of people use obsequious.
IRA: Fine.
PAUL: Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
I'm saying You boys What are you doing here? I called the house and missus told me the good news.
Come on, the Countess is ready to transact.
Look.
Just give me the papers to sign and let me get out of here.
I got 'em.
Isn't it exciting? You and me, like the old days? Yeah, well, sort of.
I was thinking Italian.
Italian what? Food.
You know, tonight a little Lasagna to celebrate our new involvement.
You notice how I'm not saying anything? Jeez, Marianne, that's-- that's really nice, but, you know, I sort of-- I sort of have plans with Susannah.
And I love her.
But reschedule.
Still, I don't comment.
Look.
Marianne Listen, it's not like you're married or in business with her or anything.
See what's going on? And I--I'm just like a model of self-restraint.
Excuse me, Paulie.
You know, I like to consider myself a student of human nature.
So I just got to ask you something.
What crawled up your butt? Nothing.
Me, nothing.
Hey.
I'm a silent partner here.
Well, you're an awfully noisy one.
Let's just say, Marianne, I don't like the way you do business.
Gee, Paulie, that seems a shame, seeing as I had a cashier's check made out for you and everything.
What are you talking about? Oh, just a little loan for a basketball movie.
That's very cute.
Thank you, but no thank you.
Come on, Paul, it could be such a good movie, too.
Like Citizen Kane, only taller.
You want it, don't you? Marianne, do you think you can just throw your money around? Yeah.
No, but what I'm saying is you think you just open up your purse and everybody does whatever you want? Yeah.
Look.
What good is money if you can't get what you want? Everybody wants stuff, Paulie, even you.
It's just a means to an end, that's all.
Maybe you're right.
Of course I am.
Yeah.
You sign this, you get the check, you get your movie and maybe I throw the pen in just for good luck.
No.
Marianne, you know something? When you make a good argument, you make a very good argument.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, now mine.
No, forget about it.
What are you talking about? You're not taking her money.
Well, you did.
Hey, she has no power over me.
This is just business.
Oh, so this is great.
So, you get yours but I get squat.
No, no, no, you get your money.
Where? Right here.
What's this? This is means to an end.
What are you talking about? Just say, "Thank you.
" Paulie, what, are you nuts? You're welcome.
What's the difference? I still owe her.
No, no, no.
You owe me.
I owe her.
See how that works? Very, very clever, Paulie, the way you staged this little uprising against me.
No, no, nothing, we signed a contract.
No.
No, I'm impressed.
You know, my late husband, the Count, used to stage coups all the time.
Really? Well, until they shot him.
All right, so, so no hard feelings here? No.
Fair's fair.
And you know me, I'm a giver.
So, just so I sleep nights, I'm gonna give you a big wad of cash for your movie, no strings attached.
Really? No.
And you, you, what am I gonna do with you? You have this power over me.
Jeez, it was great to see you again, Marianne.
You, too.
Well, I guess it's lasagna for one.
Marianne, it's not right, you eating alone.
Paulie, go with her.
Come on, cousin.
All right, first of all, you know, when you say coups, you understand It's okay, fine.
So you like it? I love it.
You know, it's not bejeweled.
Hers doesn't say, "Happy New Year.
" Very sweet, what you did for Ira.
Wasn't it, though? I'm just sorry about your movie.
That's all right.
I think I'm gonna get the money anyhow.
How? I'm gonna sue Patrick Ewing.
For what? For my neck thing.
What neck thing? Ow.