Mom s03e20 Episode Script

1 Mom! Bonnie: What? Come here.
Why? Just come down.
- Mom! - (whispers): Hey.
(yells) Ooh, you're so jumpy.
Come sit next to me.
- What's up? - Hold my hand.
Okay.
What's going on? Don't talk, just hold.
You have really tiny hands.
Feel like I'm going steady with a raccoon.
Shh! Can you at least tell me what we're looking at here? My grades get posted at noon, and I don't want to look at them by myself.
Oh, so you think you blew it? No! Why would you say that? (spits three times) Take it back! (mimics spitting) When did we become gypsies? I just don't want to jinx it.
Well, that's not possible now that you spit three times.
Can you please just sit here and support me? I honestly thought that's what I was doing.
Okay, I'm just gonna be quiet.
Sorry, it was just such a tough semester, with work, and Roscoe, and Violet, and crazy stuff around here.
- Am I the crazy stuff? - Yeah.
Also, I turned in a couple papers late.
I'm pretty sure I screwed up my literature final on Metamorphosis.
- What's that? - It's an awful book.
A guy wakes up one morning and is turned into a giant cockroach.
But not like Spiderman who got bit by a radioactive spider, this guy just wakes up all cockroach-y.
So no super powers? Nope.
He doesn't fight crime, no costume, he's just a bug for no reason.
Can he make other cockroaches do his bidding? Doesn't even try.
He just complains.
So what was your paper about? I wish I remember.
I wrote it when I had walking pneumonia and was on all that medication.
Well, there you go.
If you flunk, you can blame it on drugs, like when you were in junior high.
Excuse me, I did not take drugs in junior high.
I just drank.
Mostly wine coolers.
And cough syrup.
Ooh, they're up, they're up.
Oh, my God.
Are we reading this right? I got straight A's.
That's why I asked, "Are we reading this right"" I got straight A's, Mom! I got straight A's.
Wait, wait, wait, there's an asterisk.
What does that mean? Were you using steroids? Let me look.
I made the dean's list.
Oh, honey, did you sleep with the dean? I didn't have to, I'm smart! Congratulations, sweetie.
The dean's list is a big deal.
(muffled): Thanks.
I always kind of suspected I might be, you know, gifted.
One of the best parts of staying sober is learning what we're really capable of.
You should come to one of my Mensa meetings.
Wait, you're in Mensa? What's Mensa? It's a club for people with high IQ’s.
And you're in that? Yes.
I said "Yes.
" So, Christy, have you thought about what's next for you? Well, I guess transfer to a four-year college, and then, hopefully, law school.
That's wonderful.
I'm sure you'll get straight A's there, too.
Marjorie, why are you getting her expectations up? It's one thing to get good grades at a community college, where it's basically everybody gets an A for showing up with pants on, zipper forward.
But real college is different, am I right? No.
An A is an A, whether it's at Napa Valley Tech or Harvard.
Yeah, but if you're getting brain surgery, which diploma do you want to see on your doctor's wall? My A's are A's.
Don't crap on my A's.
Nobody's crapping.
I'm just trying to inject a little reality here.
Wendy, you're in Mensa, tell her.
Um we mostly do puzzles.
It doesn't matter.
Christy, you're a totally different person than the hot mess that crawled into that meeting three years ago, and I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, Marjorie.
To Christy.
All: To Christy.
We should also be toasting Wendy who managed to hide her intelligence from us for all these years.
All: To Wendy.
(sighs) You ready for lights out? Let me just finish this text to my daughter.
Oh, good.
You two are talking again? Yes, we're talking.
Sorry, last I heard you were dead to her.
Yeah, well, I apologized for something I didn't do, and now we're good again.
She wants to go wedding dress shopping tomorrow.
Wow, and she invited you to go with her? That's right, I am buying the dress.
Oh, well, that explains why she invited you.
No, she invited me because our relationship is better now.
You know what? Let's just go to bed.
Fine.
(sighs heavily) We're not done, are we? We need to talk about something.
Oh, no, do you want a divorce? This is serious.
Earlier with the girls, all that stuff you were saying about my grades not being worth anything, - it hurt my feelings.
- Oh, come on.
I was kidding.
Didn't feel like kidding.
Everybody there said they were happy for me, proud of me, even the waitress gave me a free piece of cheesecake.
All you did was put me down.
For God's sakes, that was just me kibitzing.
That's what I do, I kibitz.
You still never said you were proud of me.
Yeah, I did.
No, you didn't.
- Fine.
Christy - Nope, too late now.
What are you doing? I can't sleep next to someone who doesn't value me.
Since when? See? Kibitz! We're not done.
Oh, I think we are.
It was just a few jokes over coffee.
No, no, you purposely diminished my achievements.
No, no, I was trying to get some laughs.
Those women count on me to brighten up their drab little lives.
It's not just tonight.
You've always sold me short.
Well Don't you dare make a short joke.
Go away.
Fine, but just so we're clear, you, right now walking around breathing air, that's all thanks to me.
That's your argument? The fact that I'm walking and breathing makes you mother of the year? Hey, not matter how tough things were, I always made sure you never went without.
You always had a roof over your head and dinner in your belly.
A panel truck is not a roof and Red Vines are not dinner! Wow, so ungrateful.
All right, you want to get current? The only reason you were able to go back to school is because of me.
How do you figure that? Whose gambling got us evicted from the old place? And whose quick thinking got us this apartment? Quick thinking? You lied to the building owners that you were a skilled handyman.
Yes, and one of my skills is lying.
And while you were waiting tables or going to class, who babysat for you free of charge? Oh, Grandma, thank you.
Oh, I see, you're just gonna spin everything.
I am a self-made woman.
My success has nothing to do with you.
Fine.
Deal.
Then I also have nothing to do with your failure.
All the arrests, the drugs, the drinking, that's all on you.
Those are not failures.
Those are obstacles that I overcame to make my success all the more compelling! "Christy J.
Plunkett, "grade four.
Christy is eager to learn and shows a great deal of promise.
" "Grade five.
"Christy is a joy to have in class.
She is bright and inquisitive.
" "Grade six.
"Christy is the best student I've ever encountered.
She is going to do amazing things one day.
" You kept your report cards? I also signed them whenever you went off on a bender.
I never went off on a bender, those were three-day weekends where I tried to find you a father.
The point is, even as a little kid, I showed potential.
And now that I'm living up to that potential, you're jealous.
I'm jealous of you? That's right, you heard me.
Oh, honey, I don't think so.
I'm jealous of Serena Williams, Michelle Obama, that tall Arab chick that bagged Clooney.
The more I hear you talk, the more I realize what a miracle I am.
A miracle that was conceived at a Foghat concert! You stormed out before my rebuttal! All right, rebut.
I got nothing, but I can't sleep, so neither will you.
Oh, no you don't! - Morning.
- Morning.
Listen last night, I said some things that were pretty ugly.
Yeah? I just want you to know that I stand by all of them.
Cute.
But if you don't mind, I'm not going to engage on this level, because that's just not who I am.
I love that you think you have levels.
See you later.
I'm taking my daughter out shopping for a wedding dress.
You know, breaking the cycle of maternal neglect.
See you there.
What do you mean? Violet invited me.
What's the matter? Bitch got your tongue? Tell me this isn't perfect on you.
It is beautiful.
Oh, I'm crying already thinking of you wearing this.
Listen, about the price, Gregory's mom offered to take care of it.
Hey, this is my little girl's wedding.
I am more than capable of buying her a dress.
Not this one specifically, but a very nice dress.
All right, why don't we take a look over here at the bride-on-a-budget rack.
A lot of attitude from a middle-aged broad working retail.
Sorry, I'm late.
Someone hid my keys but forgot I can see on top of things.
I'm so glad you're here.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
What are we looking at? Just trying to find something reasonably priced.
Oh, Christy, your only daughter's wedding is not the time to go cheap.
You're right, I should spend the same amount on her that you spent on me.
Oh, wait, that was nothing.
Because I knew the marriage wouldn't last.
I don't think her marriage is gonna last, but that doesn't stop me.
What? Not important, honey, just trying to hurt Grandma.
You know what, let's try on the expensive one.
Mom, you don't have to.
No, but I want to because that's what good mothers do.
But the price Forget the price, try it on.
- Oh, my God.
- Right this way.
Okay, okay.
Thanks a lot.
Now I'm on the hook for a dress I can't afford.
Oh, don't worry about it, you're gifted, you'll figure it out.
Don't you dare ruin this special day with my daughter.
Oh, I think this special day will be ruined when your credit card gets declined.
That's it, get out.
"Get out"? You heard me, turn into a bat and fly away! Make me.
I didn't think so.
(bellowing) Get off of me! What is wrong with you?! You're what's wrong with me! All right, that's it! Who's got raccoon hands now? I swear to God, I will helicopter you out of this building! I am not letting go! Then I am taking you down! That's all you've ever done! (grunting) Here comes the bride.
Mom! Grandma! Oh, honey, you look beautiful! (straining): Really pretty! Okay, the meeting is now open for sharing.
Who'd like to start? So glad I came tonight.
- Christy.
- Ha! Hi, my name is Christy, I'm an alcoholic.
All: Hi, Christy.
Boo.
I'm just gonna cut straight to it, we're all a little broken here, but this one this is pure evil.
Ooh, here we go.
What else do you call someone who is so threatened by her own child's success that she has to crap all over it? Oh, please.
Wait your turn, evil! I think that name might stick.
Well, you know what? It won't work on me because I am a sober, sane and emotionally well-balanced woman who is on her way to do great things! What are you looking at?! Thank you.
Okay, who'd like Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.
- All: Hi, Bonn - Save it! I would just like to say that evil comes in many shapes and sizes, including pixie.
You all know me, you know that I mean well, that I always come from love.
(all laughing) Oh, well, I wasn't going for a joke, but okay.
My point is, I love my daughter, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.
Except be supportive when something good happens to me.
- Christy, no cross-talk.
- Zip it, Mensa.
Not only am I supportive, I am happy, I am thrilled, I'm a little jealous There it is! There what is? You admitted you're jealous! I did not! You did! You all heard it, tell her! You sure did.
Okay, so, maybe I am.
Happy? No! How could you be jealous of your own daughter?! I don't know, I'm a horrible person! What-what is it you want to hear? (whispering): Best meeting ever.
I want to hear that you believe in me, that you think I could amount to something.
Of course, you can amount to something.
Why else do you think I feel so threatened? Okay.
Well, then, thank you.
All right, who else would like to share? Hi, I'm Jill, I'm an alcoholic.
All: Hi, Jill.
I just got to say that these are the moments that make me wish my mother wasn't dead.
So, listen, how about we go dress shopping again next Sunday? Yes, Violet, I know we'll have to go to a different bridal shop.
Thanks.
Love you, too.
She's cool? Yeah, she's got this weird forgiving streak.
I have no idea where it came from.
Skips a generation.
Really? You want to do this again? I'm sorry.
Namaste.
You know, I've been thinking, maybe what you're doing Going back to college and everything Maybe that can be an inspiration for me.
How so? Maybe I'm capable of doing more in this world than fixing washing machines and trapping mice.
I know you are.
The key is figuring out what that is.
Well, why don't we narrow it down? What are you really good at? Um, let's see.
I'm smart, I'm personable, I'm really good at tricking people into liking me.
That's because you're a fantastic liar.
Never made a promise I didn't break.
So true.
I'm still waiting for those roller skates for my sixth birthday.
They're on the way.
Don't forget you're a control freak.
Mm, despite having no real skills, I love telling people what they're doing wrong.
And you have a very healthy ego.
Ah, I may not be much, but I am all I think about.
So, where does that leave us? (sighs) I think it's pretty obvious.
Both: Politics.
("Hail to the Chief" plays) Morning, Madam President.
Morning, Robert.
How's the country today? It's still there, ma'am.
Excellent, and the other countries? All present and accounted for.
Great.
Where are we on getting my face on a stamp? Do you really want people licking the back of your head, ma'am? Good point.
Let's put me on money.
Ah, what denomination did you have in mind? I've been sober awhile, do people still snort coke with hundred dollar bills? Yes, I believe they do.
Then there's your answer.
You can use my Tinder picture.
Ah, the one with the tube top.
Excellent choice.
By the way, where are we going? I don't know, you're the president, I was following you.
Should we sit down and talk? Oh, God, no, conversations always seem much more interesting when you're walking.
- Really? - Yes, watch.
Have you given more thought to your nomination to the Supreme Court? You're right, this is boring, let's keep walking.
- So, Supreme Court.
- Right.
I guess I'll never hear the end of it if I don't nominate my daughter.
- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.
Maybe now she'll shut up about those freaking roller skates.
Not likely, Ma'am.
That smile scares me.
It should.