Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e20 Episode Script

Don't start without me, Mary Lou.
Hi, it's time for Shape up with Mary Lou.
First, some simple warm-ups.
Follow me.
There, there.
That should build up your bust.
Oh, yeah, when I Ieft Ork, I said ''Earth or bust.
'' Now I've got both, yeah.
Now, let's journey to your inner thighs.
Oh, mondo ceIIuIite.
Let's go.
y ou beginners can sit this one out.
Oh, beginners.
Scoff, scoff.
I'II teII you what you wanna know.
Hi.
I'm gIad you're home.
- I have something I wanna ask you.
- Mind, I've something I wanna ask.
- Can you get my Iegs back together? - What? Oh, okay, okay.
Don't you ever do that again.
AII right, Mind, shoot.
WeII, I sort of have this probIem at work.
Mr.
Sternhagen, my boss, wants to give me a promotion and a chance to do my own show.
Mind, oh, you poor pitifuI Mind.
I mean, that is a probIem.
How are you ever going to Iive it down? Mork, that's not the probIem part.
See, the rivaI network came up with this new gossip show and their ratings went sky-high.
So now Mr.
Sternhagen is hot to do one with me as producer and star.
- Are we to the probIem part yet, Mind? - Yes, Mork.
See, it is a chance to move up, but on the other hand, I don't know if I can go on TV and gossip about peopIe.
What do you think? In order to give you the advantage of my superior inteIIigence and computer-Iike brain, I need one minor piece of information.
What's gossip? I forgot.
WeII, gossip is when peopIe teII personaI detaiIs about other peopIe's Iives.
For instance, if I toId you I was having a secret romance with Mr.
BickIey and you toId someone eIse, then that wouId be gossip.
You and Mr.
BickIey? Oh, Mind.
I mean, even in these promiscuous times, I shouIdn't care, but I'm aIways the Iast to know.
You're not hypogIycaemic, you don't need a sugar daddy.
Come on, now.
Oh, Mindy, aII right, I'II Ieave.
I don't want to be excess baggage or a third nostriI.
Mork, it's not true.
That's the point.
Most gossip isn't true.
It's Iike those magazines you see in the supermarket that teII aII those intimate detaiIs about famous peopIe's Iives.
Oh, you mean Iike the ones that have the ridicuIous photos that no one wouId beIieve.
Like ones with a picture of Sonny Bono getting a standing ovation.
Yeah, aIso TV has gossip commentators too.
You've seen them.
Oh, yeah, that'd be Iike Dan Rather sIinging Roger Mudd.
Yeah, I think you're starting to get the idea.
I mean, how couId I make up stories Iike that? I mean, I don't even know where I'd get stories Iike that.
Oh, weII, maybe soaking in a hot bubbIe bath wiII make me feeI a Iot cIeaner about the situation.
- Oh, say hi to Mr.
Suds.
- Okay.
If Mindy can't get those stories and that gossip, I'II get them for her, and the promotion too.
Yeah, that's what I'II do.
HeIIo? Information? Yes.
Hi, I'd Iike the truth about M*A*S*H.
Yes, is it true that CorporaI KIinger is reaIIy Danny Thomas' sister? Excuse me, padre.
Thank you.
Can you teII me about your Iatest secret romance? Oh, that's aII right.
I'II read about it in True Confessions.
Or maybe Vatican After Dark.
Thank you, one more.
Thank you.
Oh, heIIo, there.
Potato saIad.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Ebony.
Thank you.
What's my IittIe shutterbug up to now? Looking for gossip.
Heard the Iatest? - No.
- What is it? I was hoping you'd know.
Jeanie, I'm teIIing you, that guy is a bum.
NeIson, this is your fifth gIass of water.
Why don't you order something I can charge you for? Remo, do I sense something personaI you wanna get off your macho chest? And don't you Ieave out a titbit.
AII right, I'm sorry, but it's Jeanie.
She's dating another one of those bums, some ambuIance-chasing Iawyer.
This guy's got a neck brace as a hood ornament.
Oh, yeah.
The guy with the Iicense pIate that says whipIash.
That's him.
I'd Iike to give that IowIife a whipIash.
WiII you stop fIashing in my restaurant? Remo, couId we sit down and taIk about this in the kitchen? - Excuse me, Remo.
- Hey.
Boy, hot fIashes and dizzy speIIs.
There's some great scoops here.
Oh, a cockroach.
There's pIenty of room.
Don't push.
Garcon, tabIe for 1 2.
The rest of you wait on the burro.
- Exidor.
- Mork.
Is that you? Mork, I've been Iooking aII over for you.
Have you tried my house? What a noveI idea.
Enough of this idIe chatter.
Mork, I've got great news.
I've written my Iife story.
I caII it Lauren Bacall: By Myself.
It worked for her.
Why tinker with success? It screams bestseIIer.
The answer to your question, Mork.
SensationaIism.
Why, I've devoted an entire chapter to never dating SheIIey Winters.
That sounds hot and heavy.
Can you imagine the movie it'II make? But who couId pIay me? Now, Iet's see.
Fabian's too oId.
Benji's too short.
And we can't afford Suzanne Somers.
On to the burro, boys.
We're off for TinseItown.
Oh, by the way, did I teII you? The museum wants to do me in wax.
They say it stops hurting after it cooIs off.
- What am I gonna do? - Honey, Iisten, I understand.
It's your decision and it's a doozy, but what's aIways worked for me through the years is trusting my instincts.
Right.
Thanks.
- If he gets mad, he gets mad.
- He gets mad.
I mean, so that's Iife.
That's Iife.
HeIIo, is Mis--? Oh, Mr.
Sternhagen.
This is Mindy McConneII.
Mr.
Sternhagen, I just can't do that gossip report tonight.
Why? WeII, it's because I feeI that No, it's because I reaIIy think that I feeI that I'm reaIIy not feeIing very weII.
WeII, I'm not feeIing very weII.
Way to go.
Sort of.
HeIIo, Mr.
Sternhagen.
I'm Mork, Mindy's friend.
Where is she? Oh, hi.
Aren't you Mork, Mindy's friend? Yes, and I have aII the information here, great photos and some fantastic scoops.
Aren't you Mork, Mindy's friend? Yes, sir, you're two for two now.
- You seem a bit under the weather.
- Do you know what? You probabIy haven't noticed, but I'm a IittIe bit under the weather.
And do you know why I'm under the weather? Because Mindy McConneII rained-- Mindy McConneII rained on my parade.
Oh, no, not IittIe Mindy Sunshine.
No, IittIe Mindy Monsoon.
She caIIed me up, and she said she couIdn't do the show because she was si Because Because she was sick.
She don't feeI good.
What wiII this do for her goIden career opportunity, though, sir? Oh, weII, now, just Iookie here.
This.
Do you see that fern? - Yes.
- It wiII be promoted before she wiII be.
Oh, that's terribIe.
Not as terribIe as Dewey Fishbeck's Farm Report.
I have to put that back-- That back on the air and it never got a rating untiI Dewey tried to miIk a buII.
Wait a minute, I've got aII the stuff here, and she'II be ready by tomorrow.
Let me substitute tonight.
You? Fine.
You have 1 5 seconds.
Oh, thanks.
No pressure.
That was a truce.
And four, three, two, showtime.
HeIIo, HoIIywood.
WeII, actuaIIy, this is Mork, aIias Tex TiIe, coming to you tonight.
WeII, we've got an earfuI for you.
First of aII, a fIash.
Whoa, watch out.
I have some wonderfuI things.
Fasten your beIts.
I don't know if I can teII.
Gonna be an earfuI.
I can't teII you.
No, weII, I can-- No, I can't.
Yes-- WeII, do it.
Okay, I dragged it out of myseIf.
Here we go.
What bIond bombsheII with the initiaIs GIenda Faye Comstock is driving what aIbino Iad to drink? Let's see what we have here? BehoId, behoId, behoId.
Watch out ''Tacky'' Tom, we're coming at you.
Yes, aIso, what restaurant owner/best friend had to stop him from finishing his fifth? WeII, Remo, Remo DaVinci, you get a Mork merit badge, but don't get too attached to that badge, because we might be taIking recaII.
Yes, watch out here.
Why did you pIay Raging Remo with your defenceIess sister, Jeanie? Let's see how that fits together.
Watch out there.
We're not taIking too much taIky town taIk.
WeII, what aiIing KTNS reporter Iikes to sing in the shower? Perhaps you shouId ask her downstairs neighbour why.
Okay.
WeII, for aII these questions, I'm sure you know the answers, Mindy.
I hope this brought back Iots of coIours to your cheek.
We'II be back, BouIder, so keep your stations tuned in and we're gonna dish tiII dawn.
Terrific, kid.
A star is born.
WeII.
Congrat-- CongratuIations.
I'd have sworn you were Miss Rona if I hadn't seen your hair move.
- AII right, where's Mork the Mouse? - Yeah, where is he? - Look, Remo, we're aII mad at Mork.
- Yeah.
So Iet's just caIm down, be rationaI, and find out how high he can bounce.
That's right.
- WeII - Oh, hoId that pose.
Wait, are we aII supri--? Wait, is this a surprise party for me just for what I did this evening? - You - Hey! Hey.
We are aII very mad at you.
Why, because you didn't bring the punch and the cookies? Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's not get physicaI here.
Maybe you guys aII shouId go home and Iet me handIe this.
That sounds reasonabIe, Mindy.
I guess we were taking the Iaw in our own hands.
Besides, it wiII give me time to find a taxidermist.
Mork wiII Iook great above my mantIe.
I don't know if I can ever caII you snuggIepuss again.
Wait, wait, wait.
Was it something I said? Why do I feeI Iike we're gonna have one of our IittIe taIks? Come in, pIease.
Hi, there.
Wanna get wet? Look, Mr.
BickIey, I can expIain this.
See, Mork was feeIing-- Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
I saw Mork's show, and I didn't beIieve a word of it.
But I'm happy to report that BouIder does.
The phone hasn't stopped ringing.
How nice.
As a famous greeting card writer, I'm used to this kind of sordid innuendo.
You have no idea how many fans out there are after a piece of the Bick.
Yes, I think we've heard enough.
WeII, kids, I'II be running aIong now.
WeII, I'm gIad you didn't beIieve that siIIy story.
Not a word of it.
If you're not busy Iater on, you know where to find me.
Don't beat me.
Don't beat me.
PIease, don't beat me Now do you see what can happen when rumours get started? WeII, Mr.
BickIey was happy, Mind.
He's one out of the whoIe town.
That's not a great average, Mork.
Do you reaIize how many reputations you couId have ruined tonight? Everyone was happy when I toId them juicy pieces of gossip.
I don't even understand why I'm on the endangered Orkan Iist.
I mean, it's not fair, Mind.
It's not fair, not fair.
Mork, that's because no one Iikes to hear gossip about themseIves.
It's aII right when it's about somebody eIse.
Isn't that a IittIe two-sided? WaIking the two-sided way of Iife.
No way, doubIe truths.
DoubIe truths, watch out.
Wait a minute.
Let me put it to you this way.
How wouId you Iike it if I toId everyone that you ate eggs? Lying shiksa goddess.
So how does it feeI? WeII Give me that.
WeII, I didn't teII any Iies, Mind.
Yeah, but you didn't teII the whoIe truth, either.
And sometimes, haIf-truths are worse than Iies.
How come they do it in the papers and TV and you were about to do it? I didn't say I was gonna do it.
I didn't say I was gonna do it.
I just said I got sick.
Isn't that a haIf-truth? The point is, you better do something, or you're gonna Iose aII your friends.
And I better do something or I'm gonna Iose my job.
- What can we do, Mind? - I don't know.
But we've got a Iot of peopIe to apoIogise to, and we've gotta find a way to do it.
WeII, Iet's start tonight.
I'II go get Mr.
BickIey, and I'II meet you in the shower.
Five, four, three, two, we're Iive.
Hi, I'm Mindy McConneII and the show is Rumour Has lt.
Today's topic, What Makes a Good Gossip Report? To answer that question, I've invited back yesterday's guest host, Mork.
Hey, hi, you, Ed.
How about that band, huh? Hey, hey, Doc.
Hi, Snoozy, Lumpy, Squeezy.
Mork was a IittIe Iate in getting here.
I was a IittIe Iate.
How Iate was I? - So Iate, the rabbit had been dead-- - Why don't we take a behind-the-scenes Iook at what goes into making a good gossip report.
Oh, thank you, what a wiIdIy spontaneous pre-rehearsed idea.
Thanks for setting me up for that one.
BIess you.
Yes, to continue, maybe you couId teII us, Mork, what ingredients go into a good gossip report? AII right.
First of aII, you have to have the right costume.
It's very important to be inconspicuous when you're out searching for information.
It aIso takes the right attitude and especiaIIy, the right questions.
For exampIe.
Hey, are you stiII beating that dog of yours? What? I don't have a dog.
Got fed up and ran away.
Hey, so it's just you and the goat now, huh? What? What goat? Oh, there's more than one? Maybe there's a sheep going, ''Not bad.
'' As you can see, there's no answering a question Iike that.
You got it, dog beater.
CouId we just continue with what we discussed? Like why my stories may appear to be a IittIe duII compared to yours.
AII right, I'II give you a IittIe exampIe right here.
Pick any story and we'II spice it up.
We'II make that sucker sing.
AII right, Iet's see.
I think I have a story right here.
Okay, here's one: ''Last night, young Amy Prescott was rescued from a second-story fire by voIunteer fireman Rob WiIson.
She suffered from smoke inhaIation and had to be revived by mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
She is reported in good condition at a County HospitaI.
'' Boring, Mind.
Snooze City.
I wouIdn't buy that in a supermarket checkout.
I wouIdn't even buy it for the cat.
What wouId you do to make that more interesting? Observe, Mindy, watch this pIace sizzIe.
Young Amy teIIs aII about burning desire of second-story man.
DateIine SizzIe City.
Watch out.
Last night, whiIe Mr.
and Mrs.
BouIder were sIeeping, Rob WiIson's temperature was rising as he crept into Amy Prescott's room wearing rubber boots and a heImet.
Watch out.
And aII young Amy remembers is his hot sweaty face Iooming over her as he pressed his parched Iips to hers.
Then he roared off in the night in his Iong red vehicIe, Ieaving young Amy to wonder where, who, why.
You know, I think I'm beginning to understand.
And you know what? I don't think I couId do that kind of reporting.
Even if it means my job.
WeII, Mind, there's a price we aII have to pay and I have had to pay a certain price too.
I wanna ask you aII, what's missing from this picture? That's right.
AII my friends.
I just want to say to aII of them, I'm sorry for what I said yesterday because it wasn't true, and I And you're the best friends I have in the worId, and I reaIIy miss you.
NeIson, Remo, Jeanie and GIenda.
I'II take a picture next time and don't be mad.
WeII, the choice is yours, peopIe of BouIder.
Is this gossip the kind of reporting you wanna see, or wouId you rather hear the truth? We'II be back after this commerciaI.
Good stand, Mindy.
But I opt for the smut.
The phones are Iighting up, Miss McConneII.
It's your friends.
They Iike your show, and they forgive Mork.
Oh, hurray and huzzah.
Too bad you're not working for them.
WeII, I'm sorry, Mr.
Sternhagen, but I just can't do that kind of gossip reporting.
Then you Ieave me with no choice.
- Oh, I'II take it, Mr.
Sternhagen.
- Mork.
I mean, I've got one more story, some reaI dirt, some terra firma here.
Excuse me, sir, but do you know who this is? - Where did you get that? - Let's say I have my sources.
The story goes Iike this: What's this BouIder TV exec doing with this bombsheII who's not his wife? - Then the story gets hot and intense.
- That's my daughter.
Oh, why teII peopIe that and ruin a perfectIy good story? Yes, I see.
You know, Mindy, you're right about this show.
That's what I Iike about you.
You've got principIes.
Why don't you take the night off and I'II carry on from here? Thank you, Mr.
Sternhagen.
Back on.
Good evening.
And weIcome to the Farm Report.
- Pork beIIies are Iow - Where did you get that picture? I thought you'd Iearned.
None of your business.
Oh, you're right.
But you know, Mr.
Sternhagen's daughter is reaIIy beautifuI.
Yeah, but I don't think she gets aIong with her mother weII.
Why wouId you say that? When Mrs.
Sternhagen came into the restaurant, her daughter ducked under the tabIe and crawIed out the back door.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, oh, Chubby Cheeker.
Mork, why are we whispering? Sir, don't teII a souI.
I've got a story that's gonna make your toes tingIe.
Isn't that right, Beebs? What are you talking about, Mork? WeII, sir, we're taIking about gossip.
You know, your rumours, your innuendo, your hearsay.
This week, I Iearned how popuIar it is with EarthIings unIess it's about them.
People like to hear things that aren't true? Oh, yes, Your Skinnyness.
l get your point.
But you see, sir, sometimes these stories can get out of hand.
EarthIings are given a speciaI priviIege caIIed freedom of speech.
But it isn't reaIIy free if it costs someone his reputation.
Are you saying this freedom must be exercised with caution? Oh, yes, sir.
It comes with a responsibiIity of knowing what not to say and when not to say it.
lnteresting.
And yet you say gossip is popular on Earth.
Yes, I'm afraid peopIe wiII aIways have an appetite for juicy titbits, even though most of it is hard to swaIIow.
UntiI next week, sir, bon appetit.