Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e20 Episode Script

Hey, look at all the stuff from the Other Realm.
Hey, I got a letter from my pen pal Martha.
This is for you from the Witches' Council accounting office.
And our Christmas presents from Mom.
- But Christmas was four months ago.
- Yeah, she's early this year.
This is wonderful.
They made a clerical error.
I thought I had six lives left, but it turns out I have nine.
That seems fair.
You have nine, Mother Teresa got the one.
This means I can start living more dangerously.
Hello, X Games.
What did you get? A locket with a tiny nuclear reactor inside.
What did you get? A gift certificate for ball bearings.
Really? Yeah, but it's actually quite personal.
She filled it in herself in her lovely chicken scratch.
Martha wants me to visit.
Would that be okay? No.
I don't want to be the only miserable person in the room.
Of course you can.
Hooray, the toast is stuck.
Danger, here I come.
Careful.
You might touch a coil-- [ELECTRICAL BUZZING.]
Are you all right? Fine.
For an appliance.
Great.
You burnt my toast.
I find this the only acceptable form of dribbling.
What happened to Mr.
Kraft's office? Some kids filled his desk up with manure again.
- Happy anniversary.
- What? Well, it was two years ago today that I saw you across a crowded hallway and felt a twinge in my heart.
And then you hit me on the head with a football.
I wasn't as smooth when I was a freshman.
- Is this a--? - Yup.
It's a genuine diamond chip.
- Pretty smooth, huh? - I'll keep it forever.
Spellman, Kinkle, into the cafeteria for fingerprinting.
Are you sure you know how to fingerprint? Yeah, should ink burn? Just last night I completed a private detective course as evidenced by this emerald graduation tie clip.
- "Dick.
" - That's right, mister.
And I'm using my newfound techniques to get to the bottom of this school's vandalism problem.
From now on, nothing gets by Willard Kraft, PI.
Wow, Martha, what a beautiful library you've got here.
- Martha? MARTHA: Oh, um Well, actually the library belongs to the Association of Other Realm Book Borrowers.
I'm-- Heh.
I'm just merely one of the minions.
Boy, brag, brag, brag.
[SOUNDLESS LAUGH.]
You know, you are so funny.
When I read your letters sometimes I laugh so hard, I make a sound.
Well, then you're gonna love my syndicated column.
You've gotta come visit me.
You've gotta meet my friends and family and teach them a thing or two about appreciating my jokes.
Oh, I-- I'm not allowed in the mortal realm.
I'm a magic-free witch.
I was too timid to use my powers and so the Witches' Council took them away.
Oh, the old use-them-or-lose-them law? Yeah, if I tried to go back with you, then they would just stop us at the border.
You know, you could turn me into something small and then smuggle me back.
I mean, they never check carryons.
Well, but that would be too much trouble.
No.
No trouble at all.
Would you rather be a duty-free bottle of scotch or a pet? Oh, could I be a cat? Hey, you're the one riding in the bag.
Hilda, look.
With the added power of Mother's nuclear necklace, I'll finally be able to save time in a bottle.
Oh, that's great.
I found a use for my gift too.
Coaster.
Okay, Sabrina, light my fire.
Salem, I'm not gonna launch you.
The neighbours think we're weird already.
How am I gonna use up some lives if you people continue to be hung up on this thou-shalt-not-kill kick? Say hi to my pen pal, Martha.
Oh, sharing your secrets with a cat? What a change of pace for you.
[BUZZING.]
Hey.
Your finger's suffering a little jet lag.
It'll be fine in a few hours.
Now, if you don't mind, expose me to a virus.
Sorry, Martha.
We'll try again in the morning.
I'm not coughing up blood.
Aw.
You look so comfortable there.
And you didn't attack my feet at all during the night.
Wow, talk about your good night's sleep.
Oh.
Oh, my.
I-- Oh.
Well, it-- It must be all that-- That nervous grooming that I did.
That black cat kept trying to goad me into a knife fight.
Well, what do you say I get dressed and we go see a mortal high school? Oh, you-- You didn't tell me there were gonna be other people here.
Oh, well, I thought the term "public high school" implied that.
Oh, Harvey, meet Martha, my pen pal.
Nice to meet you, Martha.
Where are you from? The Other Realm.
Drive.
The Other Realm Drive.
It's in Virginia.
Did you show her the necklace? Oh, right.
Martha, look what Harvey gave me.
- Where is it? - It's right-- Freeze.
I'll be right back.
[SIGHS.]
I can't find that necklace anywhere.
What am I gonna tell Harvey? It's at home.
Oh, Spellman, let me guess, your friend doesn't have a visitor's pass.
No, but before society breaks down completely, I can go get one.
Come on, Martha.
Oh, no.
I-- I'm just feeling a little bit overwhelmed.
I'm going to huddle by the water fountain, if you don't mind.
Virginians don't get out much, do they? Go on to class.
- I will escort your guest to the office.
- But-- [SNIFFING.]
Smell that? It's the odour of detention.
Are we nearsighted, miss? - Oh, my, my.
- Hmm.
Is that an emerald tie clip or--? Or am I just fixating on your eyes? Please.
No.
You are not alligator wrestling in my living room.
I don't care how many lives you have, I don't have time to pick up cat entrails out of the carpet.
Well, I did it.
I finally settled things with Mother.
Oh, Hilda, I'm so glad you talked to her.
Who talked? I filled her living room with 2 tons of cracked corn.
Out of my way.
SABRINA: Mr.
Kraft, where's Martha? - Oh, that is a very good question.
We were enjoying a skim milk in my office and she stepped out to freshen up.
Next thing I know, the door is locked, no one is heeding my screams for help, and I had to crawl out through an air duct.
I better go find her.
She's not very good in new places.
In case you haven't noticed, she's shy.
Shy? Ha.
That woman is a brazen-- [CHOKING.]
Wait a minute.
My emerald tie pin.
It's gone.
Call the police.
[GAGGING.]
[ALARM RINGING.]
Martha.
Martha, did you come home? [HAMMERING.]
And are you re-shingling our roof? There.
I still say we should have gone for a good old-fashioned moat.
Redecorating? No, a dangerous jewel thief has escaped from the Other Realm.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Oh, a wanted poster.
Oh, I hate artist renderings.
They all look like Doodles Weaver in a stocking cap.
Hey, if you squint, this guy kind of looks like my pen pal.
- Really? - Yeah, but it can't be Martha.
She's way too nice.
HILDA: Jewels.
For an extremely dangerous criminal.
So then I sort of turned her into a cat and brought her home.
And having to smuggle her didn't strike you as odd? When you say, "smuggle," it just sounds bad.
You signed up for a pen pal with a capital P.
A pen pal with a capital P means a pal in the penitentiary.
Everyone knows that.
I bet I could round up a few people who don't.
She was working in the library.
The most dangerous criminals are always forced to shelve books.
Keeps bloodshed to a minimum.
[SALEM YELLING.]
She's got Salem.
Wah-jah! - What are you doing? - Expressing sheer delight.
I'm making a type of sushi known as fugu.
If it's not prepared exactly right, it can be lethal.
Hope, hope.
WOMAN [OVER TV.]
: We interrupt Hey, Let's Wrap Things in Seaweed for a special bulletin.
Hot dog.
I'm gonna miss how to de-vein the poison sac.
There have been a rash of jewel robberies reported in the Westbridge area.
That's right.
It was an emerald tie clip.
And beware, the thief may be trying to pass himself off as a licensed private eye or a member of the Lions Club.
WOMAN: She's been seen talking to a blond accomplice.
A blond accomplice? Oh, no.
[THUDDING.]
Reporting live from Westbridge High School.
We now return-- Those three run way too much.
Oh.
Too late.
Your pen pal's gone with the goods.
Okay, I admit it.
I misjudged her.
More bad news.
I just checked.
All our jewels are missing from our safe.
Oh, no.
- We have jewels? - Of course.
Oh.
We have a safe? Let's think.
Since Martha has no magic of her own, she probably wanted the jewels so that she can buy potions on the magic black market.
So she can have her own magic back, continue her evil ways, and wreak havoc on an unsuspecting world.
Where is this safe? - I'm in denial here.
- We've got to find her.
Let's see.
The book and the rope came from school.
You better go back there in case she thinks of anything else she needs.
And I'll call the Other Realm police.
Good.
I'll see if there's any information on Martha on the Witch Wide Web.
She had lovely penmanship.
BOTH: Oh! - What are you doing here? Just getting out of wrestling practise.
What are you doing here? I-- I forgot my chemistry book.
- Jewels? - Oh.
Ha-ha-ha.
That's where I put the props from the school production of Rich People that hasn't been announced yet, that I'm starring in, that I haven't told anyone about yet.
Heh.
Is that by Thornton Wilder? So Sabrina Spellman is a jewel thief and future prison laundry employee.
Aha.
They're in this together.
You know what? You go ahead.
I-- I gotta find something else.
Martha was once in prison for trying to steal the Star of Orion.
- The rarest gem in the universe? - Once owned by Elizabeth Taylor.
Whoever possesses it can use it to steal power from other witches.
Isn't it still on display at the Other Realm Museum of Cosmic Debris? Yes.
Next to a chunk of Skylab.
My guess is, we go there, we find Martha.
And now for the toxic fugu inexpertly prepared.
Great.
No death.
[GRUNTS.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Oh, it's gonna be really hard to find you in there, Spellman.
Spellman? Is that a black hole? Oh.
Oh, my eyes! Okay, Martha, where are you? You may be a dangerous criminal, but you're not very good as a hider.
Got you.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- What are you doing here? - I just followed Martha here.
but I guess our screams have eliminated the element of surprise.
So we were right.
She is gonna steal the Star of Orion.
We've come up with a plan.
Well, actually, Zelda came up with the plan while I looked for gum.
Cinnamon? We'll use a hand-in-the-cookie-jar spell.
See, once Martha grabs the Star of Orion, a cookie jar will appear around her hand.
The problem is, we have to be next to the stone in order to enact it.
Oh, what's stopping you? I mean, besides the death rays.
We found the control box that turns the beams off, but we can't get into it because it's magic-proof.
Well, why don't you use your nuclear necklace to blow it open? That's perfect.
Once again, Mother comes through.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, yeah.
Don't we love her.
Nothing.
Okay.
I was just transported by a closet to another dimension.
I see the problem.
Mother didn't include a battery with it.
I know we're doomed, but I feel an incredible sense of justice.
Well, one of us is gonna have to crawl under those deadly beams, and these are new pants so you two can duke it out.
What we need is somebody who's not afraid to die.
I know.
[SINGING.]
Do you mind? Salem, we need you to run through these security beams - to see how dangerous they are.
- It's your chance to cheat death.
Finally.
I won't be thwarted this time.
Stand back.
Whew.
Warm, warm.
Hot, hot, hot, hot.
Oh.
Salem, you big baby, the beams didn't even touch you.
You don't understand.
I blister easy.
I need aloe.
Zap me home, you mean, mean women.
Why don't we use your necklace, Zelda? Oh, that's right, it doesn't work.
Heh.
Hello? Okay.
Be cool, Kraft.
You are either lost in a parallel universe or you are being digested.
Hilda, I need the coupon for those ball bearings Mother gave you.
Because your present stinks doesn't mean you can have mine.
The coupon is shiny.
Perhaps we can use it to reflect one of the lasers onto the control box to open it.
Good thinking, MacGyver.
- Oops.
- Ha, ha.
Not only is my gift better than yours, but now you owe me a whole bunch of ball bearings.
Great.
Okay, here goes.
Whoever touches this stone from a star, encase their hand in a cookie jar.
The spell's activated.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
That must be Martha.
Quick, hide.
I'll turn the beams back on.
Hmm.
This potion better be worth a bag of stolen jewels.
Why didn't we think of that? There it is.
All the power in the universe.
It looked better in the catalogue, but [SIGHS.]
- Hey.
- We've got her.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Security's coming.
I'm holding the Star of Orion.
That might look suspicious.
[JAR SHATTERING.]
Maybe I should have incanted the unbreakable-plastic-cookie-jar spell.
- Hello? - As if it couldn't get any worse.
Ladies and gentlemen, my vice principal.
Oh, what a mess.
And me without my whisk broom.
- Freeze! - Oh, finally.
I was-- - Hey.
Hey.
- Hey, don't hurt him.
- Don't hurt her.
- Hilda? Oh! Oh, I should have seen this coming.
Hey, take it easy.
I'm going, I'm going.
Don't hurt them.
Oh, shucks, they didn't hear me.
Martha.
So I guess when we agreed to be pen pals, I was the only one who took the pal part seriously.
You're right, Sabrina.
You've been so nice and I've taken advantage.
Here, take this stone.
Save me from myself.
See? You aren't all bad.
I knew I was a good judge of people.
Hmm.
Now I have your magic.
See you.
Oh, I'm really glad no one else was here to see that.
You're in for a world of hurt, librarian.
Give me back my magic.
Well, at least give me back my necklace.
[WHIMPERING.]
I need more unguent.
It hurts so very, very bad.
[WHIMPERING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, they're not here.
That's right.
Well, it was a good rehearsal, though.
I'm not asking you again.
Where's the stone? It's in my kidney? [SLAPPING NOISE.]
- He's innocent.
- Sit down.
We'll get to you later, Poindexter.
Mean.
- Is she your accomplice? - We date a little.
Ow! Bursitis.
When he said, "Get to you," he meant just you, right? Boris.
[WHIMPERING.]
[DRILL WHIRRING.]
That's to fix the wobble in the table, right? Back off, witch girl.
What are you doing still chasing me? You don't have any magic.
But I still have my wits and a penny.
[METAL GRINDING.]
- Yaah! - Whoo-hoo! Mother of Mercy, is this the end of Martha? Okay, where is this Martha who you claim took the Star of Orion? - I don't know.
- I'm thinking.
Hail Mary, full of grace-- [DRILL WHIRRING.]
ALL: No.
I gave you back your magic and your teensy little diamond.
What more do you want? To turn you in and save my aunts.
And that diamond was one-twentieth of a quarter carat, lady.
[ZELDA AND HILDA CRYING.]
Oh, no.
They're torturing them.
[LAUGHING.]
Or not.
Sabrina, thank goodness you're here.
They've been tickling us mercilessly.
[LAUGHING.]
Zelda and Willard did it.
Oh, we're saved.
Never mind.
- They're not communists.
- This is the woman you want.
That's Martha, the notorious jewel thief.
Grab her.
Wait a minute.
She's a jewel thief and that's the Star of Orion in her purse.
I'm gonna go with my gut and say these people are not guilty.
So who wants to start with the "Job well done, Sabrina"? Yes, you did a nice job of smuggling in a dangerous criminal.
Who then got us arrested and tortured.
But look on the bright side.
I don't suppose you could loosen these, seeing as how I'm already a prisoner of your charms.
Martha's really come out of her shell.
He bumped his head and had some wild dream? No.
We've used that one.
- Bad pork.
- Did it twice.
[GASPS.]
- Okay, what happened? - Just go with me.
Don't you remember, Mr.
Kraft? The EPA found methane in your office, and it's known to cause hallucinations.
So all you need to do is burn your clothes and take some more sulphur.
Never leave the excuse to a teenager.
Methane? Sulphur? Oh, holy day, I'm not crazy.
So Martha convinced me that she was a dull, nice librarian, but I still think she was sincere when she laughed at my jokes.
Oh, honey, everybody misjudges people.
When Salem was busy trying to take over the world, your Aunt Hilda was convinced he was just a workaholic.
[TOASTER DINGS.]
"Salem.
A clerical error has been made on the clerical correction of your original clerical error.
You don't have nine lives left, you've got one.
" One? Just one.
Okay, I want a helmet, some body armour, and a quiet corner where I can avoid all danger.
And would someone move that spoon? Well, Mother just called.
Apparently, the gift certificate was for gold earrings, not ball bearings.
I misread her very bad handwriting.
See? She wasn't being unfair.
- So is everything okay with you two? - I guess.
Although, my bedroom is now filled with 4 tons of cracked corn, and I'm not allowed to watch television for a week.
Cracked corn? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? Run away.