The Exes (2011) s03e20 Episode Script

Here you go.
One wine, one cosmo.
And for you, Haskell, a screaming orgasm.
Don't be too loud.
I can't make any promises.
Really, Haskell? You're flirting with Nicki over naughty drink orders? Well, haven't you noticed the simmering sexual tension building between us? Uh, not even slightly.
Honey, you gotta tell her how you feel.
If you're nervous about doing it, just ask Phil.
I mean, that guy could pick up anyone.
Hey, I dated him.
I'm sorry.
What you two had was beautiful.
Seriously, anyone.
No, no, no, no.
Phil can't know.
If I tell him, he'll tell Stuart, who will tell Nicki.
I want the moment I reveal my true feelings to be a beautiful story I can tell my grandchildren.
It all began when grandma gave me a screaming orgasm.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - Don't look.
- Where? - I said don't look! - Okay.
Over there.
The silver fox? That's my old law school Professor, James Malcolm.
Oh, my God, I had such a crush on him.
That man could make tax law sound sexy.
"Primary residence cancelation of debt exclusion will improve financial liquidity.
" Was that good for you? 'Cause it made me a little queasy.
Anyway, why don't you go say hello? Oh.
He wouldn't remember me.
I mean, I was just a shy, awkward, uncannily brilliant student who was the envy of all her peers.
- Just go.
- Okay.
Hi.
Professor Malcolm? Sorry.
Hi.
You probably won't remember me.
I'm Holly Holly Franklin.
Of course I remember you.
You always challenged me, kept me on my toes, questioned everything.
God, that was irritating.
- I'm I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, don't be.
It's what made you an outstanding student and me a better Professor.
Really? Professor Malcolm, you have no idea how much that means to me.
- Please, call me James.
- Oh, okay.
Why don't you join me for a drink? You wanna have a drink with me? Well, unless you're with somebody.
A husband? Boyfriend? - No, just my girlfriend.
- Ooh.
No, no, no.
No "ooh.
" She she's not a girlfriend girlfriend.
She's just a friend Ms.
Franklin, as I used to say in class: You have made your point, now sit down.
Hey.
Nicki, can we get two beers? Yeah, one second.
Look, Steve.
I know we were supposed to go out tonight, but something kinda came up.
My grandma died.
Yes, very, very sad.
Very sad.
Yes, okay, see ya! Grammie died? Yeah, she said you were a disappointment and took her own life.
- What was that about? - Oh, just some guy.
We went out a few times.
We were supposed to have dinner tonight, but I cancelled.
- Why'd you cancel? - No reason.
Let it go.
Come on, Nicki, come on.
Come on, we're back in each other's lives, huh? You can tell me anything.
Okay.
I'm a little nervous he's gonna wanna go back to his place and have sex.
I'm out.
What's the big deal? You're a single woman now.
What's wrong with having a little fun? Well, what's wrong is I haven't been with a guy who wasn't my husband in 20 years, it's a little scary.
You know, do I still look good? Am I doin' it right? Do things still go where they used to? Nah, they switched everything around.
No, I'm just playing.
I'm just playing.
Look, Nicki, stop overthinking it, all right? All you gotta do is find a guy and knock one out.
Oh.
Yes, great idea.
And maybe I could buy myself something pretty with the money he leaves on the nightstand.
The Exes - S03E20 The Old Man and the Holly - Morning.
- Morning.
That was fun last night.
Ooh, it certainly was, Professor.
Oh, I learned a few things you definitely didn't cover in class.
Time for your pills, Mr.
Malcolm.
Holy crap.
It's okay.
It's my nurse.
You have a live-in nurse? No, I share her with everyone on the floor.
The floor? Where the hell am I? This is an assisted living facility.
An old-age home? No, it's nothing like that.
I've had some medical issues, and it makes life easier living here.
I mean, they've got everything.
It's like living in a hotel.
This doesn't bother you, does it? No.
- Hi, hi.
- Hey, Eden.
So how was your Tuesday with morrie? It was great.
We laughed.
We caught up.
We went back to his place.
His place? Does that mean Well, let's just say I earned a little extra credit.
Teacher has a new pet.
I finished top of my class Stop.
Sounds like you two have a nice thing.
Yes.
Yes, we do.
We certainly do.
What's wrong? It's just his living situation isn't ideal.
Ugh, Holly, you always find something to nitpick.
What is it this time? Place too small? No view? He lives in an assisted living facility.
An old-age home? No.
It's nothing like that.
It's more like a swanky hotel with high toilets and a crash cart.
Okay.
Well, the important thing is you gave it a try.
You widened the net.
Now, it's time to tighten it up a notch.
Really? 'Cause I was thinkin' maybe I might sorta see him again.
In the home? It is assisted living for the active adult.
And let me tell you He is very active.
And what we did last night was very adult.
Holly, come on.
You gotta dump father time.
Listen.
James is a great guy.
I mean and he thinks I'm smart and beautiful.
He couldn't take his eyes off me.
That's because he was trying to remember who you are.
Oh, hey, Nicki.
What's up? Hey, Phil.
I've just been thinking about this whole sex thing - Mm.
- And you're right.
I just gotta get it over with and knock one out.
There you go.
Knock one out.
So when's good for you? Wait, whoa.
Um, uh You wanna do it with me? Yeah, look, I know it sounds crazy, but it's like you said.
I just need one night of meaningless sex.
And what could be more meaningless than with you? Uh, I'm sorry, Nicki.
I just can't do this.
Wow, wow.
Okay, great.
My new sex life is off to a great start.
I can't even give it away.
No, Nicki, you're a hottie.
It's just that you're also Stuart's sister.
Look, don't worry.
He'll never know.
I promise.
- I don't know.
- Come on.
It's not like I'm asking you to help me move.
Be a pal.
Do me! - Okay.
- Yeah? - But you're gonna owe me.
- Oh, okay.
All right.
So meet me at my place tomorrow night.
No flowers, no champagne.
Just show up and we'll get down to business.
I will be there, but a little sweet talk wouldn't kill you.
Oh, Phil.
You didn't tell me we have company.
Why, hello, Nicki.
Lovely to see you.
Lovely to see you too, Haskell.
Well, then we agree.
It's lovely to see each other.
Yeah, sure.
See ya.
Curious visit.
Stuart's not here.
What or should I say who Could've drawn her over here? Listen, Haskell, I got a problem, and I can only talk to you about it.
If I told Stuart, he would flip out.
Unburden yourself.
I am here for you, my friend.
Okay.
Nicki wants to have sex with me, and I said yes.
You son of a bitch! What? That That That's how Stuart would react if he caught wind of this.
And that's why he can't know.
Nicki hasn't done it with anyone since her divorce, and she wants to get the first time over with.
But it should be with someone who worships her, who who puts her on a pedestal, who writes her name in syrup on his pancakes.
Why you? Come on.
- That was nice.
- It certainly was.
James.
Mm? Let's go do something.
The night is young.
- And so are we.
- Yeah.
Let me check the activities calendar.
All right.
What do we have? It's bingo night, and there's karate for seniors, and there's a talk on overcoming your fear of computers.
James, let's get the hell out of here.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
I've become complacent living here.
That's what I love about you.
You make me feel young and alive.
Stick with me, and you will feel like a kid again.
Oh, no.
Hey, hey, hey! Are you all right? Help! I've fallen, and I can't get up! Oh, where you off to? Nowhere.
Come on.
Come on.
All dressed up? Smelling pretty.
Huh? Huh? You are on your way to get some strange.
No, no, no strange.
Stuart, if you must know, I'm Off to help a friend out.
Sounds like a Booty call.
Wish I had a friend like that.
No, you don't.
I'm gonna go.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Don't wanna keep the lady waiting.
Phil, you know Sometimes I wish I could be you, just for one night.
Trust me, Stuart, this isn't the night.
Hey.
Hey, Haskell.
Phil is on his way to have sex with your sister.
What? You heard me! Phil, Nicki, boom-boom! My sister is his Booty call? Yeah, I tried to talk him out of it, but this is something that only a brother can do.
Millions of women in New York and he has to have Nicki? It's an outrage! You know what, this is sleazy, even for Phil.
I know.
I mean, just because she asked him there's no reason he should've said yes.
Go get 'em, champ.
- Hang on, she asked him? - Not important.
Now go.
No, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on.
Why would she ask him? Some nonsense about getting the first time out of the way.
Now scoot.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, that's a difficult time.
I remember after my divorce I was so insecure.
Was I still desirable? Could I please my partner? Less chatter, more rage! Mm.
You know what? Nicki's a grown woman.
If this is what she wants, who am I to stop her? Well, if you're not gonna do something about this, I will.
'Cause if there's one thing I know, it's how to stop a woman from having sex.
I got two pair.
What do you got, Holly? Wha? She says, "what do you have, dear?" Well, I got some red cards and some black cards.
And one of 'em's wearing a hat.
That's the meds.
They mess with your vision and your hearing.
Here, try these.
Oh, well, that's better.
I got nothing.
How's your hip feeling? Oh, it's seen better days, but who hasn't? Hello, ladies! How's your card game? Oh, they're killing me.
I'm down 87 cents.
Ooh.
Holly, I thought tonight we'd go out to dinner for a change.
Why? They're serving sliced beef in the dining room.
And there's a rumor there might be a pudding bar.
Well, I'm gonna hit the shower.
Wha? I said I'm gonna hit the shower.
Well, don't be a hero.
Use the rails.
Hi, hi.
Oh! I must have the wrong room.
I'm looking for Holy crap.
Hi, Eden.
Come on in.
I want you to meet ruthie and pearl.
This is Eden.
And what grade are you in? What? I'm a grown woman.
Yes, you are.
You're a big girl.
Excuse us.
Oh! Holly, what the hell is going on? Why haven't you answered my texts? Oh, those letters are too tiny.
What happened to you? Why are you in a wheelchair? I fell out of bed and I hurt my hip.
They're letting me stay here until it gets better.
Listen, you've gotta get out of here, okay? You've turned into an old lady.
Don't be ridiculous.
Why do you have to wear so much makeup? You're such a pretty girl.
Holly! This place is sucking the life out of you.
No, it's wonderful! This place has food, crafts, activities.
Tomorrow they're bringing in puppies for us to pet.
That's it, I'm taking you out of here.
No, no, no! No! Get your hand off the brake! I'm not leaving! I can't stand seeing you like this.
The Holly I know is a vital, young ish woman.
I still am! You have oatmeal in your hair.
Hey.
Look, I don't know what you have in mind, but I'ma need a glass of wine first.
Huh? Oh! These.
No, the pipe under my bathroom sink is leaking.
Come on in.
Okay.
Have a drink.
I am already two ahead of you.
Ha, sounds good.
Okay.
So You wanna take it off? Yeah.
- Uh, your jacket.
- I know! Yeah! It's coming off right now.
- All right.
- All right.
So what do you usually do first? I usually don't talk about what I do first.
Right.
Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
That was awkward and stilted.
Let's make sex! Uh, okay.
I'm just gonna Okay.
Something wrong? No.
No.
It's very hot.
- Uh-huh.
- You keep going.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Here we go.
What? I'm a little ticklish.
Try the ear.
I'm on my way.
The ear, okay? I'm on my way.
Good.
Ooh, ooh.
I'm sorry, did you just whimper? No! No.
No whimper.
I'm a little nervous.
I'm a little Come on, Nicki.
Shake it off, shake it off.
Head in the game! Head in the game! All right! Here we go! Ready? Yeah! This is gonna be great.
This is gonna be magical.
You ready? Bring it.
Bring it.
All right.
Okay.
Wh-what's the matter? Why are you stopping? Um, you're my best friend's sister and I'm having a hard time doing this and not thinking about Stuart.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Ha.
Does Stuart have these? Nuh, no.
No, he does not.
This is happening now.
- It's going down.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You can take your Thank you! - Yeah! - Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I thought I could, but I guess I'm just not a "knock one out" kind of girl.
Nicki, it's all right.
All right? You're a beautiful, sexy woman.
And you're gonna meet a guy and it's gonna feel right and it's just gonna happen.
Thank you, Phil.
No doubt.
You're a sweetheart.
Oh, no.
My pipe burst.
It really has been a while, huh? Hi, Eden.
Well, look who's back.
I'm so glad you came to your senses and finally got out of the old folks' home.
- Actually, James dumped me.
- What? Yeah.
He said I was slowing him down.
He wanted somebody with more vitality and Spunk.
I don't know.
I forget the rest, I nodded out.
- Well, I'm proud of you.
- Aww.
It didn't work out with James, but the important thing is you put yourself out there.
You're right.
Next time, I'm gonna find a guy a little more my speed, you know? Ooh, like that one.
Hey, there.
Oh no.
Where are you going? I can't Slow down.
Oh, no.
I'm too late.
Too late for what? You and Nicki.
Oh.
Man, I was in the bathroom taking care of her pipes.
I don't think anyone's snaked that thing in years! - I'll kill you! - Whoa! Whoa! Ha-Haskell! Haskell! Haskell! Ha The pipes under her sink burst and I fixed them.
- So you didn't? - No! We didn't.
Anyway, why do you care? Because I'm in love with Nicki.
What?