The Muppet Show (1976) s03e20 Episode Script

Sylvester Stallone, 1 5 seconds to curtain, Mr.
Stallone.
Everything OK? - Oh, yeah, I'm happy as a clam.
I'm so miserable! My back hurts! I've gotta work overtime tonight.
Well, happy as some clams.
It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Sylvester Stallone! Yay! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? Hey, don't you guys ever dust in here? # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
It's gonna be a wonderful show tonight because our special guest is a writer, director and the talented star of that popular film Rocky, Mr.
Sylvester Stallone! I'm sorry about that, folks.
Now, we're going to present a dance from Hawaii Is Sylvester gonna wear a grass skirt? No! He's not in the number! Get back to your seat! Curtain! Aloha! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, are you speaking Hawaiian? No! I bit my tongue! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OK, nice number.
Nice number.
Well, don't complain.
Working on The Muppet Show's a great job for a pig.
I'll say.
We could be working luaus.
We're off to a possibly decent start.
We're here! We're really here! Good grief, it's Sylvester Stallone's groupie brigade.
Uh, listen, girls, you're not allowed backstage during the show.
Oh, it's OK, we've got passes.
Yeah.
Passes? We don't give out passes.
I'll say you don't give 'em out, frog.
Yeah, they cost us a bundle.
Wait a minute.
Who could be selling backstage passes around here? seven, 28, 29 bucks! Scooter! - Yeah, boss? Scooter, I wanna talk to you! - OK.
I've gotta introduce Sylvester Stallone.
But I want you to stay right here and don't move.
Right.
See how valuable those passes are, girls? The frog's gonna let us stay right here so we can see Sylvester up close.
Up close! Up close! OK, right now, we take you back in time to the old Roman Coliseum, where brave gladiators sometimes looked like Sylvester Stallone! Hold this, guys.
Look! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Kill him! Kill him! # I say I'll bite you # And I say I'll beat you I say I'll beat you # And I say I'll eat you - # Fight you! - # Beat you! - # Bite you! - # Eat you! # Let's call the whole thing off # I say Agustus # And I say Agoostus # I say quo vadis # And I say where ya going? - # Agustus - # Agoostus - # Quo vadis - # Where ya going? # Let's call the whole thing off We've gotta make this look good, all right? # If we call the whole thing off, then we must part # So if you like Plato and I like Pluto # I'll give up Plato and stick with Pluto and Mickey and Goofy # Let's call the whole thing # Off # Come on, I'll buy you a steak.
I always heard that music can soothe the savage beast.
Now I believe it.
Yeah, good thing the lion learned to sing.
Stallone would've killed him.
Balonius and Stomp my Foot went to the fair.
Balonius come back, who's left there? Uh, Stomp my Foot.
OK.
Ow! Oh, OK, girls, here comes Kermit! Now, do exactly what I told you to.
- OK.
Scooter, it's time we had a serious talk.
Boss, I understand you don't want these groupies backstage.
That's true.
You're angry with me for letting them in.
That's true too.
I wouldn't have if they weren't just so desperate to see you! Me? Kermit! Wait! Oh, wait! Girls! Girls! Girls! You're going to have to leave! Kermit insists upon it.
Uh, wait, wait now.
Well, leaving isn't what I insist upon, exactly.
Uh, well, uh, standing quietly over there near my desk will do just fine.
He fell for it! OK, quickly now, up the stairs, we'll go to Sylvester's dressing room.
Come on! Who was that small green man? Sly, could I have a word with you? - Sure, Scooter, come on in.
Oh, great.
You see, there are a couple of your fans waiting outside.
They're not waiting, they wanted Oh, it's really him! Touch me! Touch me, please! Touch me! Touch you.
See, I told you.
Oh, look at all the bodybuilding stuff Sly has here! Are you really training, Sly? Well, no, not really.
I mean, I'm not really a fighter.
I made a movie about fighting.
But I like to work out and keep in shape.
What'd I tell you! Hey, Sly, could you show us a few punches? Scooter, for you, anything.
Oh, OK, girls, you hear that? Punches! This, this is a jab.
Whoa! More? - Please.
OK, this is a one-two.
OK, this is a big combination.
One-two, and here it comes Oh! Could I have your autograph? Me too! - Me too! Me too! Who said that? I did.
Boy, Stallone, do you have some left hook.
All right, and now, for something sort of different.
Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Albert Flan and his Robot Comedian.
Hello there, boys and girls.
Is everybody having a good time? No! Great.
Well, we're sure having some fun tonight, huh? But look! Who's this? It's Otto, the Automatic Entertainer! Hi there, Otto.
No, come back, come back.
Well, say hello to the nice boys and girls, Otto.
Hello, nice boys and girls, Otto.
No, no, no, behind you.
Whoo! Say, aren't you Otto, the six million dollar funny man? Bup, Bup.
- Shake.
Well, you don't get a lot for six million dollars these days.
Yeah, a little topical humor there for the grownups.
Still, I bet you've got some funny jokes for the boys and girls tonight, Otto.
Oh, yes.
There was this six foot parrot goes into this restaurant.
to pay, but I can tap dance if you and started eating the bagpipes.
Ha, ha, ha Uh, wow, terrific.
And now Uh Well, bye-bye, boys and girls.
# Oh, sweet and tender # Lady be good Yeah.
# Oh, lady be good # To me # I am so awfully misunderstood # Oh, lady be good # Be good to me Yeah, sing it.
# Hey, I'm just a lonesome baby # In the world # Oh, lady be good # Be good to me Yeah, sing it to us, Floyd.
# All day I'm just a lonesome thing in the world # Mmmm lady be good # Be good to me # Oh, lady # Oh, lady be good # Lady be good # Yeah # All right.
Hello? Hello, Sylv, are you decent? No, but my folks were.
Come on in.
Rumor has it that there are a bunch of groupies loose in the theater.
Oh, really.
- Yeah.
Do you, uh, think I'm safe here? Yeah, I think you can rest easy.
- Hmm.
You know, I noticed when you came here you didn't arrive with much baggage.
Yeah, that's me, I travel light, no baggage.
Yeah, that's you.
Traveling light, yeah.
Listen, if you need anything you just let me know, huh.
Thanks a lot, Link.
I appreciate it.
If you wanted my aftershave lotion, it's in the right-hand drawer.
Thanks, Link, but I don't.
My cologne is in the left drawer.
Thank you, Link.
And the scented body talc is above the mirror.
Link, you treat yourself well, you know that? Oh, can't complain.
You know, us guys, you gotta stay fit.
Watch this.
Link? What's the matter? What's the matter? Oh.
I'll get it.
Oh, tell me the worst.
Did he mark me? Yeah, a little bit, I'm afraid.
Oh, no.
Hey, Link Link, don't cry, don't feel bad.
You still smell nice.
Excuse me.
Oh! Oh! You can't go out there.
That is the stage.
Well, I know that - Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! I know that.
I'm playing in the William Tell Overture.
I didn't know you were musical.
I'm not.
Hmm.
Should have a lot in common with the rest of the band.
Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital.
When are we on? The continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
All right, Nurse Janice, where is the next patient? Here he is, Dr.
Bob.
Where's he from? - Hawaii.
I'm fine, thanks.
How are you? Oh, Dr.
Bob, that is the oldest joke since they renamed the islands.
What were they called before? - Sandwich.
No thanks.
I might get crumbs on the patient.
Dr.
Bob, the patient was in the opening Hawaiian number.
Oh.
Why wasn't I in that number? I can do the hula.
I've seen you do the hula.
You're no great shakes.
I think the patient misses Hawaii.
He's homesick.
How can he be homesick when he's right here sick? I mean, he misses his home in Hawaii.
Oh, I can fix that.
Hey, patient? - Yeah.
Watch this.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What is that? - Swaying palms.
Swaying palms! Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! Have we got any, have we got any napples? Napples? - Mm-hm.
You mean apples? No, napples.
You put 'em on pies.
Oh, no.
Pineapples! Oh, no! So we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
He still up there? Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.
Bob say Listen, maybe he's not really from Hawaii.
Let's take his temperature and find out.
That makes sense.
Yep, he's from Hawaii.
Look, 5-0.
Oh! - OK, nice one, Dr.
Bob.
Nice? It was a Honolulu.
We must've used every dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.
Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb! You'll be hearing from my friends on Noman.
Noman? Where is that? No man is an island.
He fell for it.
Yeah, if you think that joke was bad, I'm gonna go out and introduce Fozzie.
Ladies and gentlemen, comedy magic with our own Fozzie What? - Psst! Psst! I cannot do my Sawing a Lady in Half Act.
How come, no saw? No lady.
Hey, Kermit, how about a Sawing a Frog in Half? Fozzie! You just start.
I'll find you a lady.
- I'm not ready.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Fozzie Bear.
Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Thank you, thank you and thank you! Haaa! Yes, sir, Fozzie the magician.
Ahhh.
A box! There's a box.
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh, uh, uh Say, who was that box I saw you with last night? That was no box.
That was my luggage.
Ha, ha, ha! I am dicing with death out here, Kermit.
Don't worry, it's OK.
I found you a lady.
You did? Is she beautiful? No, but she's willing.
Good enough! Alrighty! Ladies and gentlemen, sawing a lady in half! This is a lady? This is a magician? Will you cut that out! Wha? All right, um, uh, all right, into the box, beautiful assistant.
Into the box.
- Into the box.
The box! Over here, the box! You will notice that I did not touch or aid my assistant in any way.
Get back, you fool! Into the box! Don't touch me! Into the box! Just do the trick and wind it up! Uh, yes, sir.
This is ridiculous.
All right, sawing a, uh thing in half.
Mama.
Mama.
Mama.
Mama.
- Oh, shut up! Not the main power cables.
Say, what? Well, what did you think? - Shocking.
Yes, but was it funny? Of course not.
That'd really be shocking.
Once again, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, Sylvester Stallone.
The ballroom was filled with fashion's throng It shone with a thousand lights And there was a woman who passed along The fairest of all the sights.
A girl to her lover then softly cried "There's riches at her command.
But she married for wealth And not for love Tho she lived in a mansion grand.
" # She's only a bird in a gilded cage # A beautiful sight to see # Sight to see # You may think she's happy and free from care # She's not what she seems to be # Seems to be 'Tis sad when you think of her wasted life For youth cannot mate with age # Mate with age # But her beauty was sold # For an old man's gold # She's a bird in a gilded cage I stood in a churchyard just at eve When sunset adorned the west And I looked at the people who'd come to grieve For loved ones now laid to rest A tall marble monument marked the grave Of one who had been fashion's queen And I thought she is happier here at rest Then to have people say when seen # She's only a bird in a gilded cage # A beautiful sight to see # Sight to see # You may think she's happy and free from care # She's not what she seems to be # Seems to be 'Tis sad when you think of her wasted life For youth cannot mate with age # Mate with age # And her beauty was sold # For an old man's gold # She's a bird in a gilded # Cage # The time has come to say goodbye, because we don't have time for anything else.
But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only Sylvester Stallone! Yay! Kermit, I had a great time.
I hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one for old time sake.
OK.
Hey, Stallone, my kind of guy.
OK.
That's it for now.
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You've been a wonderful laugh track! OK! Well, they say all good things come to an end.
What's that got to do with this show?