ALF s03e21 Episode Script

What's this one called? A platypus.
It's ugly.
Bri, i'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.
What are you guys looking at? It's a book about animals of the world.
Alf's trying to decide which one He wants to get for a pet.
We already have a cat.
But you told me to never play with my food.
Why do you want a pet? Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.
Bugs him that i'm taller than he is now.
Well, power trips aside, There's no room in this house For another pet, just at the moment.
Precisely why i'm leaning towards a pet We could keep outside.
I.
E.
, you're basic barnyard horse.
Here's the '89 mustang.
We won't be getting a horse Or any other barnyard-Type animal, For that matter, Thank you.
Let's wait until after dinner, To broach the buffalo.
lions gate home entertainment Yeah.
Yeah.
Yiha.
Up--Whoop--Ho--Whoa, Whoa, boy, whoa, whoa.
Whoa-- I'ma not gonna fight Unless you take off that funny hat With the buckle on it, Pilgrim.
Oh, not again.
Get me a horse, Or you're dead where you stand.
If you could dismount for a moment, There's something i'd like to show you.
All right.
This saddle's giving me splinters anyway.
Whoa, boy, whoa! I decided it might be good for you to have a pet after all.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I'll feed him oats every day.
I'll even name him after you-- White beauty.
It's not a horse, But it's something i think you'll like just as much.
You got me a pet beach? Look closer.
Bugs under glass.
It's an ant farm.
You're right, willie.
This is just like having a horse.
You actually paid money for this? I paid 7.
99, plus tax.
You were robbed.
An old soda bottle left outdoors Gives you the same effect.
You're missing the point, alf, Ants are fascinating, and with this, You get a chance to watch them work And play in a natural environment.
Willie, you call green windmills And plastic trees a natural environment? Ants don't care about that.
All they want is a place to tunnel And dirt they can all their own.
So where do i fit in? Well, they're your pets, You get to feed and care for them.
And in return, they let you in to their private lives.
They live in a picture window.
What kind of private lives can they have? Would you rather i return them? Could they be exchanged for something with fewer legs And a saddle? Ok.
Here, boy.
There you go.
Go fetch.
All right, now, Bring it back.
Come on.
Hey, i'm over here.
[Footsteps.]
Hey, alf.
Hey, alf.
Well, if it isn't the tanner kids.
What brings you two to this neck of the attic? We just wanted to ask how your ant farm was going? So ask.
How's it going? Don't ask.
They're not bonding like i had hoped.
What's wrong? I don't know.
I can't get these guys to do anything.
All they care about is building tunnels.
But that's what ants do, alf.
How am i supposed to teach them to sit, And beg, and speak? You're not.
Ants aren't like other pets.
I guess you're right.
It's just that ant farming has a tendency To be uneventful.
Sort of like working security At a pat boone concert.
But, see, that's the way mom and dad work.
They start you off small, And then when you've proven that you can handle a responsibility, They'll let you have something bigger.
So if i take care of these ants, i could have what? Big ants? My first pet was a turtle.
Oh, that must've been exciting, Like watching a rock walk.
Have you read this question and answer section Of your ant watchers manual? No.
I was saving that for bathroom reading.
Question-- "Do ants work all of the time?" Answer-- "No.
They work very hard, But they like to play, too.
" I think she's right, alf.
Look at those two.
It looks like they're wrestling.
Get out of town! Oh, hey! Look at that.
He's got him in a facelock.
He's going to Ooh! Ooh, right against the canvass.
Hey, alf, look.
Now it's a tag-Team match.
Ohh, oh, he's got him in a 12 nelson.
That can't be legal.
Yo, kate.
I've got an etiquette question.
Do you throw white Or brown rice at a wedding? I'd have to say white, Don't you think, willie? Definitely brown, That'd be gauche.
Thank you.
Mazel tov! Mazel tov! Throw the bouquet! Hey! Alf! In a second, willie.
I'm taking pictures for the wedding album.
Wedding album? Hey, what's going on in here? Oh, would you look at this mess? Friends of the bride Or friends of the groom? What bride, what groom? Mattie and david.
The 2 crazy kids who just tied the knot.
Hey, come on, you love bugs, Give us a smile.
Willie, look, Something is going on inside.
I think they're dancing.
Well, they're moving.
Well, the couple on the left, Peg and bob becken, They came all the way in from tunnel 9 for this.
Hey, hey, willie, would you mind snapping a picture of me And the wedding party? I guess not.
All right, everybody.
Say picnic.
Did i blink? I don't think so, no.
You seemed to have changed your mind about ants, alf.
I couldn't help it, kate.
They've made me a part of their lives.
We've broken bread together.
Well, actually, i broke it.
They just carried it around on their heads.
Be honest now, alf.
Aren't you glad i got you that ant farm, Instead of some silly old horse? Let's be realistic, willie, A horse is a horse.
Of course.
Of course.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to pick up some rotting fruit.
I'm catering this affair.
[Footsteps.]
Hi, dad.
Hi, lynn.
Is alf around? No.
I'm waiting for him So i can show him this calendar.
"Alan thicke's world of ants.
" Each month highlights a new ant.
This month, it's the fungus feeders of south america.
Isn't it amazing how ugly things get When they're magnified? Did you bring alf something, too? Oh, yeah.
I just got a few little things To dress up the farm.
There's some plastic cows and sheep.
I even think there's even a tractor in there somewhere.
He's going to love these.
Can i set them up? Yeah, sure.
Look at all this stuff.
There's sand refills, There's liquid feeder, There's even a plastic ant model kit.
Careful with that, dad, I think the glue's still wet.
Oh.
Yeah, it is.
Dad, i think there's something wrong with alf's ants.
They're not moving.
Well, they're probably scared because you moved them.
Put them back, they'll be ok.
I don't think so.
I neglected to mention they're also curled up on their backs.
Are they? They are.
I guess it was the sun that did it.
They'd probably been baking there all morning.
[Burp.]
Hi, lynn helm, Will helm.
Hi, alf.
Hi, alf.
I brought you a present, alf.
Hey! An ant calendar.
Thanks, lynnie.
The boys love reading about their distant cousins.
Alf, i think there's something you should know About your ants.
I know, i know.
Ants can't read.
It's just a little anthropomorphic game I like to play with them.
Actually, i was referring to something else.
What? Well, remember you told me what happens to orbit gnats When they fly too close to your ship's heat shield? Yeah.
Crispy critters.
Well, the same thing can happen to an ant When it's left in the sun too long.
They look dead.
They are dead.
You sure they're not sun tanning? [Gasps.]
Ahh, i'm sorry, alf.
Aah! Aah! My poor little goombahs.
An hour ago, They were working the farm.
And now they've bought it.
[Footsteps.]
You mind if i come in? Eh.
I brought you a sandwich.
Thanks, But i'm not really hungry.
Ok.
Maybe later.
You want to talk? I'm trained in this area.
What's there to say? My friends are gone.
I turned their home into an easy bake oven.
Case closed.
It was an accident, alf.
You didn't do it intentionally.
Well, i keep thinking none of this would've happened If i hadn't shampooed, Rinsed, and repeated so many times.
If you want, I could get you another ant farm.
Right.
And if kate kicks, I'll get you another redhead.
I know it's hard for you to believe right now, But tomorrow, you're going to feel better.
And then the next day, you'll feel even better.
Until one day, you'll actually Feel better.
Are you sure this is the area you're trained in? Kate, Cut it out.
Huh? Tickling me.
No.
I'm not touching you.
There are ants on me.
There--There are ants in my pajamas.
There are ants everywhere.
Yes, yes.
I can see that there.
[Clears throat.]
I'll just get the bug spray.
I'll help you.
Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? Perhaps these strategically-Placed Dishes of food might give us a clue.
Ahh, just once i would like to walk into this kitchen And not find something all over the floor.
Just go into the other room, kate.
I'll spray in here.
Why don't we just burn the place down and start over? That would be plan "b.
" Plan "a" is-- Where's the bug spray? I threw it away.
Why did you do this? Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the tiny winy truck stops? Eventually, you're going to have to explain both, So start where you like and stop when i tell you.
I'm dedicating my life to the care And preservation of the ant species.
Alf, if you leave food all over the house, We are going to have ants everywhere.
It's the least i can do for them After i wiped out their kinfolk and everything.
Alf, inviting the remainder Of the earth's ant population into our house Isn't going to bring back your ant farm.
But i'll feel better.
Alf, you've got to get over this.
I failed to protect my pet ants, willie.
I'm not going to fail with the general ant public.
Trust me, alf.
Your ants chance stand a much better chance Of survival outside of my kitchen.
Wait a minute.
I've got an idea.
Nothing doing.
This time, he's mine.
No, wait, wa--Kate.
Alf might not feel as bad about losing his ants If he just has a chance to say good-Bye to them formally, Like, you know, like a memorial service.
A funeral for ants? What a lovely idea, But i don't think it'll help.
Well, sure it will, alf.
Rituals are a very effective way Of dealing with grief.
I'm just not up to it.
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come, It'll be very touching, And then it'll be over, right? Right.
Then we'll have a picnic.
Is this the wreath you were talking about? Yes.
Thank you.
Where shall i put it? Anywhere near the tombstones will be fine.
Very thoughtful.
I thought so.
Kate, Isn't that dress a little loud for the occasion? Oh, forgive me.
I have no maternity funeral wear.
Shall we begin? We shall.
Please, my friends, sit, Relax, make yourselves comfortable.
Can i take off my armband? No! Before i start, I would like to thank kate tanner For the lovely picnic basket and fixings.
And also brian tanner, For helping me eat all those ice cream bars That provided those lovely headstones.
We gather here today To pay homage to a colony of mirth-Makers, Known affectionately as My ants.
In 5 short days, These wirery sex peds Tunneled a pathway into our hearts.
Now, They rest beside me, Symmetrically placed.
Victims Of an unkind midday sun.
At this time, It would be appropriate to say a few kind words In their memory.
Willie, Would you start us off? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
I didn't know the ants as well as alf.
I don't think anybody did.
But to me, They embodied the word friendly.
Their house was Your house.
I shall miss them.
Well, uh Of all the ants i've ever known, They were the most Contained.
I'll miss them, too.
They were very industrious.
So long, guys.
Go.
I liked spunky, The long one with the big head.
He could really dig.
But of course, he was just one of many.
There were-- Sybil.
And jerry, who worked graveyard, So they could spend their days with the larvae.
Chad, Tyler, Zach, Logan, and jenna, and also-- Alf-- Yes, kate? Something to add? I was just wondering if your eulogy Was going to be much longer, There's a stream of ants Swarming all over the food.
They're mourners, kate.
No.
They're after the chicken.
Ok.
I'll cut to the chase.
Good-Bye, abner, Allen, alicia, Amy, ant bee, Antie em, Antie edna, Ester.
[Snorting.]
I see you found the picnic leftovers.
[Smacking lips.]
It's amazing! I almost got my appetite back.
Amazing.
You ate all that chicken? Yeah.
I didn't even want the last 2 pieces.
It was just the momentum.
Well, you seem to be back to your old self.
I guess.
But i still have this dull ache inside.
You've been through a great deal of pain In the last 24 hours, alf.
It's just your body responding to that.
No.
I think it's kate's potato salad.
I've had problems with it before.
[Burps.]
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