All In The Family s03e21 Episode Script
Everybody Tells the Truth
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Don't keep talking about it, that's all.
If you can't talk intelligent about the thing, then don't talk about it at all! Nice dinner.
All I know is, what's right is right.
Daddy, shh! Don't shush me.
I'm talking to your mother here.
This whole thing is your mother's fault.
You understand that, Edith? This is your fault.
Oh, Daddy, how could it be Ma's fault? Because the kitchen is her department.
She's responsible for everything that goes on in the kitchen.
Ain't that right, Edith? Yeah, that's right, Archie.
That's why it's your fault that the refrigerator's busted.
But I wasn't anywhere near it when it broke.
That's my whole point, Edith.
You should have been near it to keep an eye on it.
And you, Meathead, what the hell kind of a restaurant is this you brung us into? One of them everything-you-can- throw-up-for-60¢ joints? Archie, this happens to be a nice French restaurant.
Ugh.
And it's called The Gay Paris.
Ugh.
The Gay "Paree," Ma.
EDITH: Oh! Aw, gay, gay, gay.
What'd you do, bring us into a fag hangout? Daddy, it's gay as in "happy.
" I know that.
We thought you'd like this place.
What would make you think that? It's cheap.
Funny.
Come on, Daddy, relax and enjoy it.
How can I relax and enjoy anything after what happened tonight? It's still got me shaking, Edith.
Look at that.
Oh, my.
I could have been hurt back there at the house.
Maybe I could have been killed.
From what? From that guy back there with the knife.
I never saw a guy with a knife.
You never saw no guy with a knife? Then the part of your brain that works your eyes is burnt out.
I'm telling you that guy had a knife.
I'm telling you he didn't.
Wait a minute.
You can't both be right.
One of you has got to be wrong.
Yeah, him.
Yeah, him.
All I know is, I come home tonight expecting a nice, quiet, peaceful evening.
You did not.
You came home like you always do, mad at the world.
You're telling me when I came in the door tonight, I was mad at the world? That's right.
I remember exactly what happened.
Gloria and I were sitting on the couch and you came storming through the door.
[SLAMS.]
[GROWLING.]
[ROARING.]
Hi, Arch.
Hi, Daddy.
[ROARING.]
Get away from Gloria! ARCHIE: You're hurting her.
I just had my arm around her.
You're all over her all the time.
If the cops ever want your fingerprints, all they got to do is process her! I'm sorry if our behavior aggravates you.
We won't do it anymore.
That's right, Daddy.
We mean no disrespect.
[ROARING.]
You don't know what you mean! Where's your mother? Edith! Edith! Hello, Archie! How was your day? [ROARING.]
Oh, that's nice.
[ROARING.]
Supper on the table.
No, but, Archie, now, Archie-- Where's the supper on the table?! Supper on the table! Supper on the table! But, Archie, we're gonna eat out tonight.
No, we ain't gonna eat out tonight! Daddy, there isn't any supper.
Why ain't there no supper on the table? All the food is spoiled.
The refrigerator's on the blink again.
The refrigerator's on the blink again? It ain't got no right to be on the blink again.
It's only 15 years old! If it's on the blink again, it's your fault! You're opening it and closing it all the time to feed your face! You dumb, meatheaded, unemployed, oversexed pinko professor of Polack, you! Those are not very kind things to say, but I'll try to do better.
I'll try to do better too, Daddy.
ARCHIE: Oh, you got to tell lies a whole lot better than that, Meathead, if you expect anybody to believe you.
Now, I'll tell youse all the way it was with me tonight.
I come home tonight just like I always do, feeling good, happy as a clam, expecting to spend a nice, quiet evening in the bosom of my family.
Good evening, everybody.
Hello, Michael.
Hello, Gloria.
BOTH: Hello.
Oh, kissing again, huh? That's nice.
I believe young people should kiss every chance they get.
Where's your mother? Edith, dear.
Oh, Edith, dear.
EDITH: Yeah, what is it? May I know what we're having for supper tonight? Nothing! Oh, did she say nothing? The refrigerator's broken.
Oh, the refrigerator's broken.
Ain't that a shame? Ah, well, heaven knows we had our money's worth out of that old box.
Hey! Hey! What kind of a dirty crack is that? What did I say, Michael? You insulted my husband! Well, I hope not.
You're saying I'm the one that broke the refrigerator! Well, I'm not the only one that uses it, you know! I'm not the only one who eats around here, you know! You eat 10 times as much as I do, so don't go making dirty cracks like that! Michael's right, Daddy.
He's right! He's always right! Did you hear me? He's always right! Well, of course he is.
He's a college boy.
I think you two are taking me up wrong.
I realize that there are four people using the refrigerator in this house, and one of them's a student who's doing brainwork and needs all the food he can eat, and he's welcome to it.
It's delightful to have a student in the house.
MICHAEL: You never said that.
"Delightful having a student around the house"? You didn't say that at all, Daddy.
Boy, I wish I had a tape recording of you, so you could hear some of the things you say sometimes.
I don't need one of them.
I can hear the way I talk perfect.
You only hear what you want to hear.
You ought to hear yourself the way we hear you.
Yeah, like the way you talked to Ma tonight, ordering her around.
You treated her like a dog! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Edith! [WHISTLING.]
Get in here! Yeah, Archie, what is it? Answer that door.
Whoever it is, tell them to get the hell out of here.
Bark at them.
But I'm expecting the refrigerator repairman.
At this time of the night? Well, he was too busy to come earlier.
So you invite him at this time so's he can make overtime? Can't you never do nothing right? Can't you never do nothing right? Can't you never do nothing right? Can't you never--? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll answer that! Get away from the door! Get away from there! Get away! Get back, get back! Stay, stay! And your final instruction before I let this guy in here: Don't you talk to him, take up his time! Understand? Don't say nothing! I got to tell him where the refrigerator is.
All you got to do is point to it, understand? These guys charge by the minute, and I want this guy out of here in five minutes flat! Now, quiet, quiet! Or you don't get no candy.
ARCHIE: What are you talking about? I never said them things to Edith.
You did too.
You treated her like a dog.
I did not! I never told her, "Stay.
" Did I ever tell you "stay"? No, Archie, you didn't.
There, there.
You told me to sit.
I never said that neither! Oh, and I suppose you never picked on that repairman and his Uncle Tom of a helper? Uncle Tom? What's Uncle Tom? Archie, an Uncle Tom is a black guy who lets guys like you walk all over him, which is exactly what you did from the minute they came in! The doorbell rang, and you said [HOWLING.]
I'll get that! Get away from the door! Mr.
Bunker? That's right, and don't stand there lounging out on the stoop.
I ain't paying you for that.
Come on in and start work.
Right you are, Mr.
Bunker.
Come on in, Jack.
What? Who are you? I's the repairman's helper, sir.
You're a helper, huh? What do you do, help run up the bills? Yassah! Yassah! Oh, yassah, yassah, yassah, yassah! Anything you say, sir.
It's a beautiful night, ain't it, sir? No, it's lousy.
The icebox is broke.
All right, what time you got starting here? Uh, 6:11.
I'm sympathizing my watch with yours.
You know what I mean? You mean, you're worried you won't get a fair shake on the time? I mean, there ain't no use in your trying to stretch out the job, because I know exactly when you begun.
Okay, Mr.
Bunker.
Got the tools, Jack? Tools? Oh, yeah, the tools! I'll go get them outs the truck whilst you sizing up the job.
Aw, look at this.
It's going to take all night long.
It's going to cost me an arm and a leg here! He forgot the tools because between his left ear and his right ear, they forgot to put his brains! That's not a very nice thing to say, Archie.
You don't like the things I say? Then pack your bags and am-scray! Michael, please don't irritate Daddy like that.
You're right, Gloria.
Archie I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Can't we be friends? Relax, Daddy, and-- And think about that nice dinner we're going to have in that wonderful restaurant tonight.
I'm going to go upstairs and get ready now, Michael.
Where's your mother?! Where's your mother?! There she is! Edith, what are you doing over there? What are you doing? Ain't it bad enough you're a dingbat? You want to be a bird dog too? Get that tail down! Daddy, I think she's just trying to show them where the refrigerator is.
Why don't you just talk to them?! [MUMBLING.]
What was that? You told her not to speak.
Edith, speak, speak! Oh, thank you, Archie.
The refrigerator is right this way, Mr.
, uh? Call me Bob.
Bob! Ain't that interesting? In my family, we have-- Stifle that about your stupid family and let the man get to work! Oh, here come the tools, here come the tools! And what is your name? Oh, you can call me anything, ma'am, just don't call me late for dinner.
[LAUGHING ARTIFICIALLY.]
ARCHIE: Hold it, hold it there.
What do you mean, hold it? This here story you're telling is cockeyed.
Them two repair guys at the house is the exact opposite of what you say, and I ought to know.
I was the first guy that seen them.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I'll get that, Edith, darling.
Don't disturb yourself.
Are you Bunker? Yes, I am, and whom are you, may I ask? I come to fix your icebox.
Oh, how nice of you to come so quick.
Won't you step inside? Come on in, Jack.
Oh, you got a helper with you, huh? Black is beautiful, baby.
Beautiful.
I know what I know.
That guy was one of them Black-Power Mau-Maus armed to the teeth.
Come on, Arch, he wasn't armed.
He was armed.
He had a knife a foot long.
It was as sharp as a razor.
You're lying.
I ain't lying.
I know what I seen, and I can also see right inside them guys.
I know what I'm talking about, but what's the sense in talking to you? You don't believe nothing I say.
You don't believe nothing unless you read it in one of them pinko left-wing magazines.
I wonder why they call them "left-wing.
" Politics, Edith, politics.
That's all.
Conservatives are called right-wing because they're right.
Pinkos are called left-wing because they're wrong.
You're the one who's wrong.
You're wrong about everything that happened tonight.
I ain't wrong! Shh! I was just like a perfect gentleman.
I opened up that door, and that colored guy walked in and stepped all over me.
Hey, what you trying to do, man, freeze a dude to death out here? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I know it gets cold out there on the stoop.
Come right in.
Please, come right in.
Uh, now, let me see, gentlemen, is the time, what, 6:30? What do you mean, 6:30? It's 10 after 6.
You're trying to do us out of 20 minutes' time.
No, no, I beg your pardon.
My watch is fast.
Oh, sure.
You hear that, Jackie? They're all alike.
All trying to get something for nothing.
Well, he gets nothing from us, man.
You best tell the dude this house call gonna cost him And 16 bucks for every five minutes after the half-hour.
Very reasonable.
Glad you see it our way.
You got the tools, Jackie? Oh, yeah, I'll go get the tools.
[MUTTERING.]
And I'm going to take my time getting them.
Oh, sure, sure.
No rush, no rush at all there.
No rush at all.
Well, while we're waiting, I might as well make myself comfortable.
Oh, certainly, certainly.
Sit down.
Take a load off your feet here, I always say.
And your helper's pretty smart too.
You know, never take the tools off the truck until you're ready to work.
Hey, what kind of a racial crack is that? Did I make a racial crack? Yes, you did, and don't do it again.
Michael, I hate to disagree with you, but I don't think I made no racial crack.
Don't you yell at my husband like that! Now, Edith, Edith, that's a father's job.
Now, let me take over here.
Aw, don't cry, honey.
I made you feel bad, huh? What'd I do to you? You want to know what you did? I'll tell you what you did.
You yelled at my husband, you monster! Oh Gee, I'm awful sorry I upset your husband.
How can I make it up to you? You tell him you're sorry! All right, I'll do that right now.
Wait here.
Gee, Michael, I'm awful sorry, and I apologize.
Okay, but watch it! I will.
Did you hear what he said? You watch it! I will.
All right, I'm going upstairs to get ready now, so you can take us to our favorite restaurant! I'll pay.
Well, Edith, don't you think it's about time we should be showing our guest here where to start work? JACK: Hey, hey, hey! You trying to rush us? No, no, no, no, no, no! Take all the time in the world.
Come on, Jack, let's get it over with.
My wife pulled the refrigerator out from the wall there to make it easy for you.
Hey, hey! Whoa! Gee.
In there.
Hey! Will you look at this antique? An old Freeze King.
Must have delivered that in a horse and wagon.
Hey, whitey! Did it come in a horse and wagon? I love to be kidded by youse guys, but, uh do you think maybe you could start working on the refrigerator there? What did you say? I don't remember.
MICHAEL: Of course you don't remember, because it was nothing like that.
You were very rough on those guys.
What? I treated them two guys like perfect gentlemen, and what's the thanks I get? The colored guy threatens me with a knife.
He never threatened you.
That Uncle Tom didn't even have a knife.
Before it broke down, was the light working, Mrs.
Bunker? Well, off and on.
How do you mean? Well, on when I opened the door and off when I closed it.
Edith, Edith, get away from here, will you? Pal, whenever you talk to her, you're going to lose money, because I'm deducting all conversation time here! [CHEWING LOUDLY.]
What is that noise I hear? The noise of an apple.
What are you doing eating an apple on working time? Oh, Mr.
Bunker, we ain't had a meal break all day.
Please, let me eat.
Don't raise your hands to me! Oh, I didn't mean nothing.
I just trying to get along.
Give me a hand here, will you, Jack? Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, sir.
Look out! What you doing there with the fruit? You appled all over my shirt! Oh, uh, I sorry, sir.
Hey, you nut! You ain't supposed to touch a white person's clothes with a white person in them.
ARCHIE: I never said no such thing.
You're crazy.
You're letting your imagination run rancid.
I don't see what's so wrong with the man wanting to eat an apple.
The man wasn't really hungry.
Don't you understand? He was just doing that to waste time.
Now, if youse will all listen to me, I'll tell you the way it really went.
[CHEWING.]
What's that noise I hear? Ah, having a little snack for yourself, huh? Yeah, I'm having a little snack, and, uh, you don't mind if I have a little snack there, do you, Bunker? No.
Eat, eat, eat.
Jack, it looks like a simple wire job.
Man, you called us just in time.
You got to watch out for them old raggedy wires, you know, because you touch them and, like, zzt! You a fried man, man.
Yeah, well, uh, do you have to keep waving that thing around? Hey, don't be telling me what to do, man.
No, no, no, I'll leave everything up to you.
You know what, man? This chump here tightens my jaws.
Oh, uh-- What? Oh, nothing, except, no, no, it was just a little apple on my shirt, which is always nice.
And what is that supposed to mean? Ah Forget it, pal.
Let's get the job done and blow.
Oh, no, man.
You know something? You irritate me.
Oh, maybe we can sit down and discuss it, and I'll learn how to improve myself.
MICHAEL: You're crazy! You are crazy! You never talked that rational in your life.
I don't talk rational because I make sense.
Ma, you were there.
Did Jack really pull a knife on Daddy? Well, kind of yes and no.
Of course he didn't.
Of course he did! Did not! Wait a minute.
I want to find out from Ma what really happened.
Oh, jeez, that's all we need, a dingbat's-eye view.
Go on, Ma.
Well, now, let's see.
I remember Jack was eating an apple, and he wanted to know if Archie wanted some.
You want a piece of my apple, Mr.
Bunker? No, I hate apple pieces.
And don't be waving that shiv around there, will you? That's dangerous.
What, this little thing? That's right, that little thing.
In ancient Rome, they killed Sid Caesar with a bunch of them.
You're eating an apple on the job, anyhow.
We got to eat on the run in this job, Mr.
Bunker.
We've been so busy today, we haven't even had time to go to the john.
Oh, well, stay busy, because you can't use our john.
It's broke.
Oh, Archie, I was just upstairs-- [MOUTHING.]
Shut up! Jack, will you give me a hand here? Yeah, sure.
Excuse me, sir.
Hey, watch where you're going.
Look what you done there.
You got apple all over the front of my shirt.
Oh, I'm very sorry, sir.
I was just trying to get by.
Sorry don't help me, boy.
Now I got to change the shirt.
Hey, I don't like that.
You don't like what? You called me boy.
I'm not a boy.
I'm a man.
Well, all right, you're a man.
I'm a man too.
Jeez, I don't go around making a point of it.
You never had to make a point of it.
Yeah, well, all right-- Hey, listen! I got an idea.
I don't think you guys have to work on this job anymore.
Why don't you just pack up your tools, and you can go? Well, we're almost finished.
All we have to do is fix the loose wire.
No, no, no, no, I got a better idea.
Just let it hang there.
Just let it hang.
Pack up your tools and leave.
You mean you want us to go? You want me to spell it out for you? L-E-E-V.
leave.
Okay, it's your money, Mr.
Bunker.
Pack it up, Jack.
Right.
I still have to charge you for a house call, $18.
Oh, sure, sure, well, I expected that.
Here we are, one, two, three, and eight, and 10 is 18, all set.
Goodbye, lady, and good luck.
Bye, ma'am.
Bye, and thank you.
ARCHIE: Yeah, thanks a million.
Arch, what are you thanking them for? You just spent For nothing? No, no.
For that 18 bucks, he showed me where the loose wire is here.
See? That's all I have to know.
Now I'm going to save myself some money by fixing up that loose wire myself, huh? Arch, I don't know.
I don't think you should do that.
Will you keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open, and maybe you'll learn something.
MICHAEL: I don't think you should have done that.
And now it's going to cost you even more when another repairman has to come tomorrow.
Don't blame me, little girl.
It ain't my fault.
It's your mother's fault.
And you, Edith, that story you was telling here.
That ain't the truth.
Oh, yeah, honest, Archie.
That's the way it really happened.
Oh, wait a second, Ma, not quite.
Remember, Jack didn't really have a knife.
What are you talking about? He had a big switchblade, one of them Harlem gang knives.
Did he, Ma? Well, I guess your father knows what they call them.
You're damn right I know.
Well, I got the knife with me.
I picked it up.
Jack must have dropped it when he was picking up his tools.
Yeah, here it is.
That's the terrible switchblade? Archie, when we was kids, I think we called this a pen knife.
That's a switchblade, huh? Look at that thing.
It couldn't even cut butter.
Hey, Michael, you said that there was no knife.
Did I say that? Yeah, that's what you said.
Yeah, you did.
You're as bad as Daddy.
You're as bad as me.
Wait a second, wait a second.
All right, so I got the knives mixed up, but the way you talk about it, it was a machete.
I didn't say nothing about a machete.
Don't be bringing the spics into this here.
[ALL ARGUING.]
Mesdames, messieurs [.]
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
If you can't talk intelligent about the thing, then don't talk about it at all! Nice dinner.
All I know is, what's right is right.
Daddy, shh! Don't shush me.
I'm talking to your mother here.
This whole thing is your mother's fault.
You understand that, Edith? This is your fault.
Oh, Daddy, how could it be Ma's fault? Because the kitchen is her department.
She's responsible for everything that goes on in the kitchen.
Ain't that right, Edith? Yeah, that's right, Archie.
That's why it's your fault that the refrigerator's busted.
But I wasn't anywhere near it when it broke.
That's my whole point, Edith.
You should have been near it to keep an eye on it.
And you, Meathead, what the hell kind of a restaurant is this you brung us into? One of them everything-you-can- throw-up-for-60¢ joints? Archie, this happens to be a nice French restaurant.
Ugh.
And it's called The Gay Paris.
Ugh.
The Gay "Paree," Ma.
EDITH: Oh! Aw, gay, gay, gay.
What'd you do, bring us into a fag hangout? Daddy, it's gay as in "happy.
" I know that.
We thought you'd like this place.
What would make you think that? It's cheap.
Funny.
Come on, Daddy, relax and enjoy it.
How can I relax and enjoy anything after what happened tonight? It's still got me shaking, Edith.
Look at that.
Oh, my.
I could have been hurt back there at the house.
Maybe I could have been killed.
From what? From that guy back there with the knife.
I never saw a guy with a knife.
You never saw no guy with a knife? Then the part of your brain that works your eyes is burnt out.
I'm telling you that guy had a knife.
I'm telling you he didn't.
Wait a minute.
You can't both be right.
One of you has got to be wrong.
Yeah, him.
Yeah, him.
All I know is, I come home tonight expecting a nice, quiet, peaceful evening.
You did not.
You came home like you always do, mad at the world.
You're telling me when I came in the door tonight, I was mad at the world? That's right.
I remember exactly what happened.
Gloria and I were sitting on the couch and you came storming through the door.
[SLAMS.]
[GROWLING.]
[ROARING.]
Hi, Arch.
Hi, Daddy.
[ROARING.]
Get away from Gloria! ARCHIE: You're hurting her.
I just had my arm around her.
You're all over her all the time.
If the cops ever want your fingerprints, all they got to do is process her! I'm sorry if our behavior aggravates you.
We won't do it anymore.
That's right, Daddy.
We mean no disrespect.
[ROARING.]
You don't know what you mean! Where's your mother? Edith! Edith! Hello, Archie! How was your day? [ROARING.]
Oh, that's nice.
[ROARING.]
Supper on the table.
No, but, Archie, now, Archie-- Where's the supper on the table?! Supper on the table! Supper on the table! But, Archie, we're gonna eat out tonight.
No, we ain't gonna eat out tonight! Daddy, there isn't any supper.
Why ain't there no supper on the table? All the food is spoiled.
The refrigerator's on the blink again.
The refrigerator's on the blink again? It ain't got no right to be on the blink again.
It's only 15 years old! If it's on the blink again, it's your fault! You're opening it and closing it all the time to feed your face! You dumb, meatheaded, unemployed, oversexed pinko professor of Polack, you! Those are not very kind things to say, but I'll try to do better.
I'll try to do better too, Daddy.
ARCHIE: Oh, you got to tell lies a whole lot better than that, Meathead, if you expect anybody to believe you.
Now, I'll tell youse all the way it was with me tonight.
I come home tonight just like I always do, feeling good, happy as a clam, expecting to spend a nice, quiet evening in the bosom of my family.
Good evening, everybody.
Hello, Michael.
Hello, Gloria.
BOTH: Hello.
Oh, kissing again, huh? That's nice.
I believe young people should kiss every chance they get.
Where's your mother? Edith, dear.
Oh, Edith, dear.
EDITH: Yeah, what is it? May I know what we're having for supper tonight? Nothing! Oh, did she say nothing? The refrigerator's broken.
Oh, the refrigerator's broken.
Ain't that a shame? Ah, well, heaven knows we had our money's worth out of that old box.
Hey! Hey! What kind of a dirty crack is that? What did I say, Michael? You insulted my husband! Well, I hope not.
You're saying I'm the one that broke the refrigerator! Well, I'm not the only one that uses it, you know! I'm not the only one who eats around here, you know! You eat 10 times as much as I do, so don't go making dirty cracks like that! Michael's right, Daddy.
He's right! He's always right! Did you hear me? He's always right! Well, of course he is.
He's a college boy.
I think you two are taking me up wrong.
I realize that there are four people using the refrigerator in this house, and one of them's a student who's doing brainwork and needs all the food he can eat, and he's welcome to it.
It's delightful to have a student in the house.
MICHAEL: You never said that.
"Delightful having a student around the house"? You didn't say that at all, Daddy.
Boy, I wish I had a tape recording of you, so you could hear some of the things you say sometimes.
I don't need one of them.
I can hear the way I talk perfect.
You only hear what you want to hear.
You ought to hear yourself the way we hear you.
Yeah, like the way you talked to Ma tonight, ordering her around.
You treated her like a dog! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Edith! [WHISTLING.]
Get in here! Yeah, Archie, what is it? Answer that door.
Whoever it is, tell them to get the hell out of here.
Bark at them.
But I'm expecting the refrigerator repairman.
At this time of the night? Well, he was too busy to come earlier.
So you invite him at this time so's he can make overtime? Can't you never do nothing right? Can't you never do nothing right? Can't you never do nothing right? Can't you never--? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll answer that! Get away from the door! Get away from there! Get away! Get back, get back! Stay, stay! And your final instruction before I let this guy in here: Don't you talk to him, take up his time! Understand? Don't say nothing! I got to tell him where the refrigerator is.
All you got to do is point to it, understand? These guys charge by the minute, and I want this guy out of here in five minutes flat! Now, quiet, quiet! Or you don't get no candy.
ARCHIE: What are you talking about? I never said them things to Edith.
You did too.
You treated her like a dog.
I did not! I never told her, "Stay.
" Did I ever tell you "stay"? No, Archie, you didn't.
There, there.
You told me to sit.
I never said that neither! Oh, and I suppose you never picked on that repairman and his Uncle Tom of a helper? Uncle Tom? What's Uncle Tom? Archie, an Uncle Tom is a black guy who lets guys like you walk all over him, which is exactly what you did from the minute they came in! The doorbell rang, and you said [HOWLING.]
I'll get that! Get away from the door! Mr.
Bunker? That's right, and don't stand there lounging out on the stoop.
I ain't paying you for that.
Come on in and start work.
Right you are, Mr.
Bunker.
Come on in, Jack.
What? Who are you? I's the repairman's helper, sir.
You're a helper, huh? What do you do, help run up the bills? Yassah! Yassah! Oh, yassah, yassah, yassah, yassah! Anything you say, sir.
It's a beautiful night, ain't it, sir? No, it's lousy.
The icebox is broke.
All right, what time you got starting here? Uh, 6:11.
I'm sympathizing my watch with yours.
You know what I mean? You mean, you're worried you won't get a fair shake on the time? I mean, there ain't no use in your trying to stretch out the job, because I know exactly when you begun.
Okay, Mr.
Bunker.
Got the tools, Jack? Tools? Oh, yeah, the tools! I'll go get them outs the truck whilst you sizing up the job.
Aw, look at this.
It's going to take all night long.
It's going to cost me an arm and a leg here! He forgot the tools because between his left ear and his right ear, they forgot to put his brains! That's not a very nice thing to say, Archie.
You don't like the things I say? Then pack your bags and am-scray! Michael, please don't irritate Daddy like that.
You're right, Gloria.
Archie I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Can't we be friends? Relax, Daddy, and-- And think about that nice dinner we're going to have in that wonderful restaurant tonight.
I'm going to go upstairs and get ready now, Michael.
Where's your mother?! Where's your mother?! There she is! Edith, what are you doing over there? What are you doing? Ain't it bad enough you're a dingbat? You want to be a bird dog too? Get that tail down! Daddy, I think she's just trying to show them where the refrigerator is.
Why don't you just talk to them?! [MUMBLING.]
What was that? You told her not to speak.
Edith, speak, speak! Oh, thank you, Archie.
The refrigerator is right this way, Mr.
, uh? Call me Bob.
Bob! Ain't that interesting? In my family, we have-- Stifle that about your stupid family and let the man get to work! Oh, here come the tools, here come the tools! And what is your name? Oh, you can call me anything, ma'am, just don't call me late for dinner.
[LAUGHING ARTIFICIALLY.]
ARCHIE: Hold it, hold it there.
What do you mean, hold it? This here story you're telling is cockeyed.
Them two repair guys at the house is the exact opposite of what you say, and I ought to know.
I was the first guy that seen them.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I'll get that, Edith, darling.
Don't disturb yourself.
Are you Bunker? Yes, I am, and whom are you, may I ask? I come to fix your icebox.
Oh, how nice of you to come so quick.
Won't you step inside? Come on in, Jack.
Oh, you got a helper with you, huh? Black is beautiful, baby.
Beautiful.
I know what I know.
That guy was one of them Black-Power Mau-Maus armed to the teeth.
Come on, Arch, he wasn't armed.
He was armed.
He had a knife a foot long.
It was as sharp as a razor.
You're lying.
I ain't lying.
I know what I seen, and I can also see right inside them guys.
I know what I'm talking about, but what's the sense in talking to you? You don't believe nothing I say.
You don't believe nothing unless you read it in one of them pinko left-wing magazines.
I wonder why they call them "left-wing.
" Politics, Edith, politics.
That's all.
Conservatives are called right-wing because they're right.
Pinkos are called left-wing because they're wrong.
You're the one who's wrong.
You're wrong about everything that happened tonight.
I ain't wrong! Shh! I was just like a perfect gentleman.
I opened up that door, and that colored guy walked in and stepped all over me.
Hey, what you trying to do, man, freeze a dude to death out here? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I know it gets cold out there on the stoop.
Come right in.
Please, come right in.
Uh, now, let me see, gentlemen, is the time, what, 6:30? What do you mean, 6:30? It's 10 after 6.
You're trying to do us out of 20 minutes' time.
No, no, I beg your pardon.
My watch is fast.
Oh, sure.
You hear that, Jackie? They're all alike.
All trying to get something for nothing.
Well, he gets nothing from us, man.
You best tell the dude this house call gonna cost him And 16 bucks for every five minutes after the half-hour.
Very reasonable.
Glad you see it our way.
You got the tools, Jackie? Oh, yeah, I'll go get the tools.
[MUTTERING.]
And I'm going to take my time getting them.
Oh, sure, sure.
No rush, no rush at all there.
No rush at all.
Well, while we're waiting, I might as well make myself comfortable.
Oh, certainly, certainly.
Sit down.
Take a load off your feet here, I always say.
And your helper's pretty smart too.
You know, never take the tools off the truck until you're ready to work.
Hey, what kind of a racial crack is that? Did I make a racial crack? Yes, you did, and don't do it again.
Michael, I hate to disagree with you, but I don't think I made no racial crack.
Don't you yell at my husband like that! Now, Edith, Edith, that's a father's job.
Now, let me take over here.
Aw, don't cry, honey.
I made you feel bad, huh? What'd I do to you? You want to know what you did? I'll tell you what you did.
You yelled at my husband, you monster! Oh Gee, I'm awful sorry I upset your husband.
How can I make it up to you? You tell him you're sorry! All right, I'll do that right now.
Wait here.
Gee, Michael, I'm awful sorry, and I apologize.
Okay, but watch it! I will.
Did you hear what he said? You watch it! I will.
All right, I'm going upstairs to get ready now, so you can take us to our favorite restaurant! I'll pay.
Well, Edith, don't you think it's about time we should be showing our guest here where to start work? JACK: Hey, hey, hey! You trying to rush us? No, no, no, no, no, no! Take all the time in the world.
Come on, Jack, let's get it over with.
My wife pulled the refrigerator out from the wall there to make it easy for you.
Hey, hey! Whoa! Gee.
In there.
Hey! Will you look at this antique? An old Freeze King.
Must have delivered that in a horse and wagon.
Hey, whitey! Did it come in a horse and wagon? I love to be kidded by youse guys, but, uh do you think maybe you could start working on the refrigerator there? What did you say? I don't remember.
MICHAEL: Of course you don't remember, because it was nothing like that.
You were very rough on those guys.
What? I treated them two guys like perfect gentlemen, and what's the thanks I get? The colored guy threatens me with a knife.
He never threatened you.
That Uncle Tom didn't even have a knife.
Before it broke down, was the light working, Mrs.
Bunker? Well, off and on.
How do you mean? Well, on when I opened the door and off when I closed it.
Edith, Edith, get away from here, will you? Pal, whenever you talk to her, you're going to lose money, because I'm deducting all conversation time here! [CHEWING LOUDLY.]
What is that noise I hear? The noise of an apple.
What are you doing eating an apple on working time? Oh, Mr.
Bunker, we ain't had a meal break all day.
Please, let me eat.
Don't raise your hands to me! Oh, I didn't mean nothing.
I just trying to get along.
Give me a hand here, will you, Jack? Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, sir.
Look out! What you doing there with the fruit? You appled all over my shirt! Oh, uh, I sorry, sir.
Hey, you nut! You ain't supposed to touch a white person's clothes with a white person in them.
ARCHIE: I never said no such thing.
You're crazy.
You're letting your imagination run rancid.
I don't see what's so wrong with the man wanting to eat an apple.
The man wasn't really hungry.
Don't you understand? He was just doing that to waste time.
Now, if youse will all listen to me, I'll tell you the way it really went.
[CHEWING.]
What's that noise I hear? Ah, having a little snack for yourself, huh? Yeah, I'm having a little snack, and, uh, you don't mind if I have a little snack there, do you, Bunker? No.
Eat, eat, eat.
Jack, it looks like a simple wire job.
Man, you called us just in time.
You got to watch out for them old raggedy wires, you know, because you touch them and, like, zzt! You a fried man, man.
Yeah, well, uh, do you have to keep waving that thing around? Hey, don't be telling me what to do, man.
No, no, no, I'll leave everything up to you.
You know what, man? This chump here tightens my jaws.
Oh, uh-- What? Oh, nothing, except, no, no, it was just a little apple on my shirt, which is always nice.
And what is that supposed to mean? Ah Forget it, pal.
Let's get the job done and blow.
Oh, no, man.
You know something? You irritate me.
Oh, maybe we can sit down and discuss it, and I'll learn how to improve myself.
MICHAEL: You're crazy! You are crazy! You never talked that rational in your life.
I don't talk rational because I make sense.
Ma, you were there.
Did Jack really pull a knife on Daddy? Well, kind of yes and no.
Of course he didn't.
Of course he did! Did not! Wait a minute.
I want to find out from Ma what really happened.
Oh, jeez, that's all we need, a dingbat's-eye view.
Go on, Ma.
Well, now, let's see.
I remember Jack was eating an apple, and he wanted to know if Archie wanted some.
You want a piece of my apple, Mr.
Bunker? No, I hate apple pieces.
And don't be waving that shiv around there, will you? That's dangerous.
What, this little thing? That's right, that little thing.
In ancient Rome, they killed Sid Caesar with a bunch of them.
You're eating an apple on the job, anyhow.
We got to eat on the run in this job, Mr.
Bunker.
We've been so busy today, we haven't even had time to go to the john.
Oh, well, stay busy, because you can't use our john.
It's broke.
Oh, Archie, I was just upstairs-- [MOUTHING.]
Shut up! Jack, will you give me a hand here? Yeah, sure.
Excuse me, sir.
Hey, watch where you're going.
Look what you done there.
You got apple all over the front of my shirt.
Oh, I'm very sorry, sir.
I was just trying to get by.
Sorry don't help me, boy.
Now I got to change the shirt.
Hey, I don't like that.
You don't like what? You called me boy.
I'm not a boy.
I'm a man.
Well, all right, you're a man.
I'm a man too.
Jeez, I don't go around making a point of it.
You never had to make a point of it.
Yeah, well, all right-- Hey, listen! I got an idea.
I don't think you guys have to work on this job anymore.
Why don't you just pack up your tools, and you can go? Well, we're almost finished.
All we have to do is fix the loose wire.
No, no, no, no, I got a better idea.
Just let it hang there.
Just let it hang.
Pack up your tools and leave.
You mean you want us to go? You want me to spell it out for you? L-E-E-V.
leave.
Okay, it's your money, Mr.
Bunker.
Pack it up, Jack.
Right.
I still have to charge you for a house call, $18.
Oh, sure, sure, well, I expected that.
Here we are, one, two, three, and eight, and 10 is 18, all set.
Goodbye, lady, and good luck.
Bye, ma'am.
Bye, and thank you.
ARCHIE: Yeah, thanks a million.
Arch, what are you thanking them for? You just spent For nothing? No, no.
For that 18 bucks, he showed me where the loose wire is here.
See? That's all I have to know.
Now I'm going to save myself some money by fixing up that loose wire myself, huh? Arch, I don't know.
I don't think you should do that.
Will you keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open, and maybe you'll learn something.
MICHAEL: I don't think you should have done that.
And now it's going to cost you even more when another repairman has to come tomorrow.
Don't blame me, little girl.
It ain't my fault.
It's your mother's fault.
And you, Edith, that story you was telling here.
That ain't the truth.
Oh, yeah, honest, Archie.
That's the way it really happened.
Oh, wait a second, Ma, not quite.
Remember, Jack didn't really have a knife.
What are you talking about? He had a big switchblade, one of them Harlem gang knives.
Did he, Ma? Well, I guess your father knows what they call them.
You're damn right I know.
Well, I got the knife with me.
I picked it up.
Jack must have dropped it when he was picking up his tools.
Yeah, here it is.
That's the terrible switchblade? Archie, when we was kids, I think we called this a pen knife.
That's a switchblade, huh? Look at that thing.
It couldn't even cut butter.
Hey, Michael, you said that there was no knife.
Did I say that? Yeah, that's what you said.
Yeah, you did.
You're as bad as Daddy.
You're as bad as me.
Wait a second, wait a second.
All right, so I got the knives mixed up, but the way you talk about it, it was a machete.
I didn't say nothing about a machete.
Don't be bringing the spics into this here.
[ALL ARGUING.]
Mesdames, messieurs [.]
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.