American Housewife (2016) s03e21 Episode Script

1 Don't take things out of the donate box.
- That's all gotta go.
- But these are the shoes Anna-Kat wore right before the shoes she had learned to walk in.
They're a keepsake! - They're a crap-sake.
- [Shoes thud.]
Anything we can't use is gone.
We gotta clean out our basement so I can make it my Mom Cave.
- Mom Cave? - Yeah.
You have your office.
- What do I have, Greg? - Well, you have I swear to God, if you say "kitchen.
" [Door opens, children giggling.]
Look at them.
They couldn't be happier.
How does a hideous vampire of a woman like Chloe Brown Mueller have such a delightful daughter? Thanks for having me over.
Penny said she can come over again next week! [Laughs.]
BOTH: Come on! No way.
I can't handle seeing Chloe Brown Mueller more than once a month, even if it's for pick-up and drop-off.
Okay, but it's nice to see Anna-Kat making close friends.
- [Giggling.]
- Of all the people she could be friends with, she had to choose the one whose mom I hate the most.
She is the cilantro of people.
Why don't you go meet Doris and Angela, and I'll handle pick-up with Chloe? By the time you get back, she'll be long gone.
It is so nice to have a husband who supports my hatred of other people.
[Chuckles.]
[Gasps.]
Hey! My old Pick A Pet.
- PICK A PET: "D" is for - Dog! - dog.
- Nailed it.
Taylor, did you do your presentation for History class? Yep.
I just have to put on a few more finishing touches.
[Keys jingle.]
Then I look forward to seeing it.
And I look forward to you seeing it.
- Great.
- Super great.
You haven't even started, have you? No.
Can you believe Mom wants to get rid of this? Yeah.
Because it's garbage.
It looks like I picked the wrong guy to stroll down Memory Lane with.
Hey, what's all your ballet stuff doing down here? I'm hiding it.
Brie's coming over later, and I don't want her to know I take ballet.
Why? You love it.
I know, but she's gonna think it's lame.
Dancing is part of what makes you unique.
Without that, you're kinda hard to take.
- Sorry.
- No, I get that.
You know, if Brie's worth dating, you should let her know who you really are.
I am.
I'm really someone who holds things back that could be extremely embarrassing for me.
Look, if she likes you, she won't have a problem with ballet.
[Sighs.]
I don't know.
I'm fifteen, I dance in a leotard to classical music about a swan.
Swans are historically a fierce, aggressive bird.
You know what? I'm hiding you in the basement, too.
Can I have more lemonade? What are you doing? We're done.
I gotta kill time.
Chloe Brown Mueller is coming by the house to pick up Penny, and I don't want to see her stupid face.
You should do I what I do ban all playdates.
And then start watching "The Masked Singer.
" What does that have to do with my problem? Nothing.
I just want someone to talk about it with.
But Anna-Kat and Penny are good friends.
I feel kinda guilty keeping them apart.
You have to put your kids' needs first.
Celeste and I can barely stand to be in the same room with each other, - but we do it for the kids.
- No.
My kids do not come first.
They come fifth.
It goes me, the dog, my $14,000 toilet, the maid who doesn't talk love her and then the kids.
Where is Richard on that list? 38th.
Right after the cappuccino machine.
Why doesn't she have to come up with real ideas? I come up with real ideas.
Okay, you don't share custody with Chloe.
Tell Anna-Kat that she can be school-friends with Penny but not home-friends.
That way, you can avoid Chloe but you don't hurt the kids.
Win-win.
Wow that could work.
[Whispering.]
Was that real enough for ya? - Mm.
- Mm.
I was thinking about you hiding what you're passionate about from Brie.
Well, I was young once, too.
I'm trying to picture it.
The closest I get is just you in shorts.
I had a hobby some people might've called lame, but that didn't stop me.
I want to show you something.
Oliver, this is Brad.
I am so uncomfortable.
[Greg as Brad.]
You're uncomfortable? I've been in a suitcase for 20 years.
Oh, my neck! Wow.
Your lips didn't move.
That's amazing.
I should be surprised, but this is so on-brand for you, Dad.
Brad and I used to be inseparable.
Yeah, until you stole my girl.
Brad, you know that's not fair.
Helen pursued me.
Yeah, but you didn't shut it down when Please stop, or I call 911.
The point is, I didn't hide my hobby just because it wasn't cool.
And that's what you should do.
- Ballet's part of what makes you special.
- I don't know I thought about dancing ballet myself, but then I remembered boneless legs.
Now I know.
Thanks for clearing everything up for me.
I'm never telling her.
KATIE: Okay! I'm back! I had to drive around the block seven times because I didn't want to see that black-hearted devil Chloe Brown Mue [Sweetly.]
Hi, Penny! You're still here.
Yeah, my mom must be running late.
Huh.
[Clicks tongue.]
You know, I just remembered, I have a few more errands to run.
CHLOE: Penny! Get your coat before I get poor all over me! [Quietly.]
No! She's here! [Scoffs.]
Sorry about my mom.
It's okay.
I've got one, too.
[Sighs.]
Penny, let's get out of here before I have to see Oh, too late.
There she is.
I can tell by the Costco jeans.
I'll have you know, I got these in a twelve-pack.
Hm.
Penny, what are you wearing?! They're just smocks from the donate box.
This entire house is one big donate box.
[Exhales sharply.]
I'm not bringing Penny around here anymore.
Fine.
I won't be bringing Anna-Kat over to your house.
It's a huge sacrifice because I always send her with an extra bag to steal your FIJI waters.
Fine.
Then we agree.
- No more playdates.
- They can be school-friends but the home-friend thing is over.
I look forward to never seeing your face again.
Not as much as I look forward to never seeing you again.
[Door slams, locks.]
[Doorknob rattles.]
Anna-Kat? [Doorknob rattling.]
Why did you lock the door? ANNA-KAT: We're not giving up our playdates.
PENNY: You two stay down here until you're friends so we can play whenever we want.
We'll be back in an hour.
Anna-Kat! Anna-Kat! Greg! Taylor! If we can't come out 'til we're friends we're gonna die in here.
[Pounding on door.]
Anna-Kat! Penny! Let us out! [Groans.]
- KATIE: You're not gonna get a signal.
- [Exhales sharply.]
Kids! Katie's sad husband! Help! It's no use.
We're locked in.
God, I feel like a kid at the zoo who fell into a gorilla enclosure.
Except at least they have sunlight and the gorilla can't talk.
God, I have an appointment that I cannot miss! Need to go to the hospital for more baby blood because you drink the blood of babies? - I have things to do, too.
- Right.
I'm sure you have nothing on your schedule but "wear wrinkled clothes all day.
" And look! You're all set.
[Hinges creak.]
[Ladder thudding.]
- Dad? - Anna-Kat! Why are you putting things Mom told you to throw away - in the attic? - That's a good question.
Have you seen your Mom? Is she close by or headed this way? Don't be mad, but I locked Mom and Penny's mom in the basement until they become friends.
That is very good for me.
[Doorknob rattling.]
What do you think is on that doorknob? Your house smells like a wet dog opened a fried chicken franchise! I'm not touching anything.
- [Footsteps approaching.]
- [Gasps.]
Hello? Greg?! Let us out! It's us.
It's been an hour.
Are you two friends yet? [Sighs.]
You know we are friends now.
You are? For real? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes! We are.
W The best of friends.
We're hugging! Mm, so squishy! You can let us out now! Okay, if you're friends, Mom, what's Chloe's favorite animal? Uh A horse.
A very pretentious horse! That's right.
Okay, Mom, what is Katie's favorite color? Uh - [Whispering.]
Purple.
- [Stammers.]
I-I'm gonna say stained plaid? You couldn't lie for one second?! Well, you couldn't dress not-terribly for one day?! Not friends.
See you in another hour.
[Katie and Chloe groan loudly.]
Penny, I did not have a scheduled C-section and pay thousands of dollars to a Jamaican night nurse to have you grow up and treat me this way! [Inhales deeply.]
Aah! I touched it! [Shrieks.]
Ooh, what's this stuff? I don't know.
It's not mine.
It says "Oliver's stuff.
" Oh, yeah.
A "Harry Potter" wand.
- Is this yours? - No.
It says "Oliver's wand.
" My "Harry Potter" phase overlapped with my label-making phase.
- I used to be kind of a nerd.
- [Chuckling.]
That's so cute.
You don't think it's stupid? No, if it's something you liked, why would I think it's stupid? Wait right here.
I want to show you something.
"The label maker that shall not be named.
" - Stop looking in there! - [Laughs.]
[Knock on door.]
Just finishing up, Mom! I'll be done in a minute! Don't worry, it's just us.
We want to play with you.
I can't.
I gotta finish my history presentation on the 1980s.
If she finds out I didn't do it, I'm gonna get the Mom Speech.
Oh, yeah.
Those Mom speeches are the worst.
[As Katie.]
"You're so unfocused.
You never live up to your potential.
" "Stop giving your ponies Viking funerals in the bathtub.
You're gonna burn the whole house down.
" Good one.
I'm sure she's on her way to check on me right now.
Well, what if I were to tell you that Mom is unavoidably detained? Then I would ask you what those last two words mean.
We locked both our moms in the basement until they become friends.
How about this we'll help you do your presentation, you'll play with us after, and you won't get a Mom Speech.
- Everybody wins.
- Cool! [Chuckles.]
Wait, won't my teacher be able to tell the project was done by a couple of fourth graders? Mm, my gut says she won't know the difference.
Well, hey.
You want to help Brad and I put boxes in the attic? I'm doing all the heavy lifting.
I'm getting worried about you.
I'm just having fun.
- Where's my ballet stuff? - Why do you ask? I'm not talking to him.
You know, you might be right, Dad.
I think Brie's cool with whatever I'm into, so I thought I'd show her my ballet gear.
You're really good.
I'm sure she'll be impressed.
Yeah, just like how Mom must've been impressed - with you being a ventriloquist.
- Right.
- She wasn't impressed? - Um You never told her.
Of course not! You know your mom.
She'd think it was stupid! That's what I said, and you said I was being silly! Hypocrite! You're telling me to be honest, and you never told Mom about this little weirdo? I'm never telling Brie.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Sighs.]
Ugh, what are you doing? It's called ice cream.
You combine cream and sugar and make it cold.
It brings you happiness which is an emotion where you feel good.
I know what ice cream is.
I love ice cream.
I used to eat it 15 years ago before I went on a strict carrot soup diet.
Hold on.
You only eat carrot soup? Once a year on my birthday, I treat myself to a frozen grape.
[Chuckles.]
If I'm gonna cheat, though, it's gonna be with alcohol.
- Well, here.
- [Carton thuds.]
I also found this in the freezer.
- Mmm, Mama likes.
- Yeah.
[Sniffs.]
Huh.
It's still vodka.
Hasn't been replaced with water.
Guess Taylor hasn't started drinking yet.
Nerd.
[Sighs.]
And now I'm gonna miss my appointment.
Can't you just reschedule the stupid thing? No.
It took me weeks to get it.
[Sighs.]
It's a medical procedure.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
And if I don't get there today, I don't know what's gonna happen to me.
I didn't realize it was so serious.
Well, it is.
KATIE: Don't do it.
Don't let her in.
Think about something else.
Think about baseball.
[Carton thuds.]
Okay.
- Let's get you out of here.
- What? Damn it.
Doesn't work for Greg, either.
[Both grunt.]
[Smacks bottom.]
[Shouts.]
[Panting.]
Everything in this house is crap except this door.
[Both shouting.]
Hammer.
[Doorknob thuds.]
[Sighs.]
[Door thuds.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Both shouting.]
Katie, I'm stuck! I know! Get me out of here! [Grunts.]
Oh, hey, dog.
Come over here.
Listen, go for help.
- Go for help! - [Luthor whines.]
Oh, God, you're as stupid as your whole family.
[Katie grunting.]
[Shouts.]
[Crash, objects clatter.]
[Groans.]
I got you out! No, you didn't! We're still in here! I'm sorry, Chloe.
You know, we are gonna get you another appointment.
He's a specialist.
Do you know how hard it is to see him? - [Sighs.]
It's too late.
- Don't give up.
Don't ever give up.
You are gonna beat this.
What am I supposed to do? I need to see Dr.
Henry today! Wait.
Dr.
Henry? - The Westport Botox guy? - Yeah.
That is your important medical procedure? - Botox?! - Yeah! You made me feel sorry for you.
For you! I touched your shoulder.
I thought you had a legitimate medical condition, Chloe.
I do! Age is a condition! It kills people.
You are the epitome of what is wrong with women in this town.
You spend all your time and money on shallow garbage.
I don't have to sit here and take this.
[Groans.]
[Inhales deeply.]
[Shrieks.]
This isn't an ordinary appointment for Botox, - just so you know.
- Why? Because it has to be performed by an exorcist? No.
- Stan's getting married.
- Who? Stan.
My ex-husband.
To a 30-year-old.
And I have to go to the wedding.
Why on Earth would you go? For Penny's sake.
And to prove that I'm the totally cool ex-wife who's fine with it.
And who looks fantastic.
- Chloe - So I've been starving myself.
I haven't had a sweet for years.
And what good has it done me? I can't even squeeze through a basement window! I mean, how can I compete with a 30-year-old?! This is just all so humiliating! [Sighs heavily.]
I have felt bad for you twice in one day.
It is exhausting.
Come on.
Is this a typical snack they serve in Ravenclaw? [Scoffs.]
First of all, how dare you.
I was House Gryffindor.
- [Laughs.]
- And second, this GREG: Oliver, can you come into my office for a second? - I'm good! - Okay! [As Brad.]
[Chuckles.]
We'll just come out there to you! No, I'm on my way! I'm on my way! What do you want? I thought about it, and you're right.
I am a hypocrite.
I was telling you to do something I couldn't do myself.
So you know what? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell your mom about me and Brad to prove to you it's the right thing to do.
Stop! I can't let Brie know my dad's best friend is a ventriloquist dummy.
Also, don't mention you're a teacher.
[Sighs.]
We are not going to call it quits yet.
We are not gonna let that window or that door or this doorknob stop us.
Your ex-husband dumping you to marry a younger woman is terrible even more terrible than you are.
That's why I'm going to help you get out of here so you can get a faceful of poison and show Stan that you may not be a 30-year-old, but by God, you're gonna have the forehead of a 30-year-old.
Yes! You and me, we are going to run at that door at the same time.
We are gonna "Thelma & Louise" that door down.
One two thr - Hooray! - [Screaming.]
- We did it! - [Both laughing.]
Katie, I have someone to introduce you to.
Nice to finally meet you, Katie.
What are you doing? Why aren't you moving your mouth? My name is Greg Otto, and I am a ventriloquist.
Good thing you didn't show me that when we were dating - [Exhales sharply.]
- because I would have never married you.
[Smacks lips.]
But I'm stuck now because we have kids.
Gotta go.
Sad.
[Exhales deeply.]
That was rough.
Yeah [Normal voice.]
Oliver, I'd hold off telling Brie about your ballet.
At the very least, wait until you're married and have three kids before you even think - about revisiting this.
- So, hide who I am? With everything you've got.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks for the lesson, Dad.
[Chloe sighs.]
I'll call you an Uber and watch Penny.
[Whimsical tune plays in distance.]
Wait.
No Uber.
Come on! W-What do you mean? I-I can still make my appointment! [Music grows louder.]
Forget the appointment.
You need to make yourself happy.
So instead of Botox, have what you really need to feel good.
An ice cream cone.
I'm feeling tempted.
I gotta call my sponsor.
[Cellphone unlocks.]
Maria, I'm feeling kind of snacky.
- [Whispers.]
No.
- Stop wasting your happiness - caring what other people think.
- [Birds chirping.]
- [Exhales deeply.]
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Thank you so much, Katie.
Um, this flavor is really interesting.
It tastes like not carrot.
Oh.
Mmm.
It's the best thing in the world.
[Exhales deeply.]
- [Ice cream splats.]
- And I'm done.
If you weren't here, I'd totally five-second-rule that.
No.
Anna-Kat! Penny! - Ice cream! - Ice cream! [Ice cream splats.]
That's for locking us in the basement.
You're grounded for a week.
And so are you.
But after that, you can be school-friends and home-friends whenever you want.
So are you two friends now? - Ugh, no way! - Oh, hell no! Ugh.
Maybe at-home friends? Truce until these things go to college.
Sure.
[Anna-Kat and Penny giggle.]
But then afterwards, I'm gonna run you over with my car.
You're gonna have a tough time doing that because I'm going to kill you in your sleep.
All right.
[Mouse clicking.]
You guys did a good job.
Taylor, I found your assignment sheet under your bed.
So? This isn't a project on the 1980s.
It's a project on "1984.
" Fine, I'll just delete the stuff from 1985 or whatever.
Not the year 1984, the book! George Orwell's "1984.
" And it's not for History it's for English.
What am I gonna do? I have to hand this in tomorrow! It's not due tomorrow.
It's due next month.
Well, at least my lack of detail got me an extra month.
I don't believe this.
I helped you do this entire project for nothing.
Maybe Mom's right to give you these speeches.
And since she's not here right now, I'm gonna give you one.
I'm not gonna stand here and [Sternly.]
Sit down! This is a wake-up call.
You've got to get organized, Taylor, and not just about this about every detail in your life.
You've got so much potential.
And if you just apply it, you could surprise everyone.
Most of all yourself.
I'm sorry.
I'll try harder.
I want to make you proud.
That's my girl.