Batman (1966) s03e21 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Gotham State Prison, a grim and foreboding edifice.
It, like politics, has been the last refuge of many a scoundrel.
Including that criminal cowpoke Shame.
Now, don't you fret none, Shame, honey.
We is gonna get you sprung right quick.
I don't understand.
We assembled us a gang on the outside and as soon as you show them law men your backside, you're all set for funning again.
Well, I appreciate it mighty much, Frontier Fanny and Calamity Jan.
But I find this here hoosegow's tighter than a New England banker.
I likewise opine it'd take more than a pack of wild horses to get me out of here.
You just mosey on by the left wall of this here pokey about 15 past five.
And 325 wild horses will meet you.
Now you just keep a tight rein, and hold on to your saddle horn, Shame, honey.
That kiss is just a down payment on what you're due.
Good.
Nice timepiece you have there, Shame.
Yeah, got it off a railroad man.
They gave it to him for 50 years' dedicated service.
- What did you give him for it? -Three bullets.
In the head.
Yeah, you done do'd it, honey.
All right, let's point our toe and go.
We got 325 wild horses under this here hood.
Yeah, I gotta hand it to you, Calamity.
You're a woman and a half.
If you could just get rid of the other half.
Mm-mm.
Ah.
Excellent fondue, Barbara.
Mm.
Not often a bachelor gets a good home-cooked meal.
Well, it isn't often a spinster gets to cook for a bachelor.
Hello.
Yes.
It's for you, Daddy.
Hmm'? Oh.
Ahem.
Thank you.
Commissioner Gordon.
What, Chief O'Hara? Oh, yes.
I'll take care of it right away.
Hold your phone up next to the Batphone, and put me through to you-know-who.
What's the matter? Shame, that monstrous maverick of malfeasance has made good his threat to come back.
That's the signal for the Bat-answer-phone to be put into action.
Yes, commissioner? Dreadful news, Batman.
Exactly what's wrong, commissioner? Shame has just fled Gotham City State Prison.
Can you meet me in my office? We'll be right there, commissioner.
I must beg your forgiveness, Barbara, Bruce, but duty calls.
Yes, I think I should run along as well, Barbara.
Uh, it wouldn't be proper for the two of us to be here alone in your apartment without a chaperone.
But what about my fondue? They were last seen going north on the highway in the stolen tank.
Where in the world did they ever get a tank? Madman Otto's Used Tank Lot.
Heh.
Is he mad now.
Yes.
We're doing all we can, Mayor Linseed.
Oh, that's good news.
Thank you, sir, for calling.
- They found the tank on West 20th Street.
-Is it still there? No, they towed it, the parking meter had run out.
They probably removed the fingerprints as well.
I think Mayor Linseed should make some changes in his towing policy.
Yes, Bonnie.
There's something in the outer office for you.
Exactly what, Bonnie, we're quite busy, you know.
- A horse.
-A horse? - Oh.
Chief O'Hara, see what it's all about.
-Right.
Tanks in the street, a horse in my outer office Has the whole world gone batty? Just an expression, Batman.
No slight intended.
I understand.
This is what she meant, commissioner.
A saw horse.
And there's a note attached to it addressed to Batman.
It's from Shame.
"I hereby am telling you that I'm a gonna rob the Gotham City Stage at 8:45 tonight.
I'm gonna steal a rock and a roll.
I dares you to figure it out, Dynamic Dumb-Dumb best regards, your enemy Shame.
" It's full of misspellings, and I'm full of misgivings.
Holy gall.
Hi, everybody.
Well, this certainly looks like a gathering of a clan.
- Ha, ha.
- What's up? Shame is up.
To no good.
He's had the indecent effrontery to tell us what he's going to steal and where he's going to steal it.
Sounds like a very cooperative arch-criminal to me.
Why all the consternation? Because none of us can figure out what he's talking about.
Perhaps a session with the Batcomputer will aid us in our quest, Robin.
We'll be in touch as soon as we figure out this mystifying missive.
Let's go, Robin.
NARRATOR".
A short while later, under the cover of darkness Shame and his cohorts are holed up in Gotham City's Central Park Stables.
Ah.
Well, that's a mighty fine looking gang you rounded up there, Calamity Jan.
Shame, honey, this here's Fernando Ricardo Enrique Dominguez.
We calls him "Fred" for short, because it's his initials.
Howdy.
The pleasure is entirely mine, you may be sure.
And this here's Chief Standing Pat.
That means: "it's gonna be great working with you, and I hope to get to know you better real soon.
" You got all that from one puff? He talks in shorthand.
Good.
All right, now, here's the nitty-gritty.
We're gonna-- We're gonna-- We're gonna knock off the Dynamic Duo.
- And Batgirl.
-And Batgirl.
And then we're gonna do something which I like to refer to as, uh, "The Great Train Robbery.
" That's scarcely original, you know.
A big mouth is better when it's shut, Fred.
So keep your tongue harnessed, and you'll have a thin lip.
I stand chastised.
Good.
Now, you two characters from an old-time Western movie I want you to go out and case the stage, because we're gonna lift the rock and a roll.
Now, that's part one of my caper.
But we can't get to part two before we've done part one.
- Does that make sense to you? -Your lucidity is surpassed only by your remarkable command and penchant for gibberish.
Well, thanks, Fred.
That's mighty nice of you.
We're gonna be good buddies.
Now we're gonna meet, rendezvous, at 8:30 savvy? -Savvy.
- That means, uh-- -Good.
Okay, now you characters get because me and my girl got a little sparking to do.
Cheerio.
Is there something I can do for you? You can't get closer than two feet until a marriage is arranged.
Oh, Ma.
Have a heart.
A mother can't hardly have a heart where her daughter is concerned.
I've got it.
What do criminals call a "rock"? Holy carats.
A diamond.
Exactly, Robin.
Now what do they call a "roll"? - It might be a bank roll.
-Right again, Robin.
But where is the Gotham City Stage? - Yes, commissioner? -Batman, this is Batgirl.
I figured out where the Gotham City Stage is but I can't make heads or tails about the "rock" and the "roll.
" We obviously need each other, Batgirl.
Meet me at the corner of 61st Street and Washington Avenue.
- We'll talk then.
-Oh, yes.
Well, hello, Barbara.
To what do I owe the honor of this unexpected, but nevertheless welcome visit? I have two tickets to the opera.
I thought you might like to be my date.
Oh, I'll have to beg off, darling.
There's no time for cultural pursuits with Shame on the loose.
Why don't you phone millionaire Bruce Wayne? Daddy, now how would that look? I don't want to appear too eager.
No, I understand.
'Bye-bye.
-Bye.
- Yes, Batman.
-May I speak with Batgirl, commissioner? I neglected to ask her which corner we meet on.
Batgirl? But you must be mistaken, Batman.
She's not here.
And as far as I know, she hasn't been here.
Thank you, commissioner.
How does she do it? A moment ago, I spoke to Batgirl on that Batphone.
Now the commissioner tells me she wasn't even there.
I don't think we should even attempt to fathom it, Batman.
She treasures her own anonymity every bit as much as we treasure ours.
Of course.
You're right, Robin.
Still Well, there's just no time.
Let's go, Robin.
NARRATOR".
As Batman and Robin hurry to their appointment Barbara Gordon transforms herself into Batgirl scourge of Gotham City's underworld and defender of truth and justice.
But are their actions too late to stop Shame from robbing the Gotham City Stage of a rock and roll? The answer in one breathless minute.
NARRATOR".
Gotham City Opera House where a handful of unlikely visitors are already backstage.
Yeah.
This must be the place, all right.
You can't come in here.
Says who, short stuff? Well, says me.
I'm Pop, the stage doorman.
Pop? You ain't old enough to drink pop, far less be called it.
Well, I'm 17, and it's a time-honored theatrical tradition that no matter how old or young a stage doorman is, his name has to be "Pop.
" Well, good night, Pop.
"Good night"? I'm not going to sleep for hours.
Wanna bet? I assumed that Shame meant the Gotham City Opera House stage in that The Girl of the Golden West opens.
That's a good assumption.
I know for a fact that the two leading singers in that production have strange quirks, which Shame probably knew when he talked of a rock and roll.
Such as? Leonora Sotto Voce, world's leading soprano who never goes on stage without wearing her 283 karat diamond-pendant.
And Fortissimo Fra Diavolo, who always carries $20,000 in cash in his pockets for luck.
Let's go.
I don't understand it.
Every time I begin my aria, you're upstaging me.
- Always upstaging me.
-It isn't a case of upstaging you, Fortissimo.
There are two leading singers in this opera but only one great voice.
Mine.
All right.
Can that palabra, lady.
Keep yourself planted to the stage.
You too, Caruso.
Get the diva's diamond, Fred.
Come on.
Get these folks' - What are you doing? - Hush up.
Shame on you, Shame.
Unhand them, you fiend.
All right.
You.
Hey, here comes my women's auxiliary.
That's all right, Frontier Fanny.
Kissing don't really count when it's through the cloth.
How do you like that, Batbrats? What have you done to us, Shame? I gave you a dose of fear gas.
- A dose of what? - A dose of fear gas.
From now on, you'll be scared of everything, you cowardly caped crusaders.
- Don't hurt us.
Please don't hurt us.
-Oh, spare our lives, kind sir.
We'd do the same for you.
Honest.
Honest.
Honest, we would.
Yeah.
I reckon I would.
I ain't all bad.
Just boastly.
- Stand in front of me, Batgirl.
-No! Chief, we'll take the Batgirl.
That way the police won't bother us none.
Don't worry about them other two.
Ain't worth a heck of darn.
- Take her, take her.
She's yours.
- Bring her along.
All right.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
How do you like that, scaredy bats? Hey, Fred.
Did you hear that? That's pretty good.
"Scaredy bats.
" Good, good.
They took the girl.
Not us.
Robin.
What is this? - What are you trying to do? -it's probably poison.
He wants to see us dead.
He's always hated us.
Yes, he has.
You're right, Robin.
- You're not to be trusted either, Boy Wonder.
-Well, neither are you.
Come, come, Master Robin.
Really, sir.
Alleviate your tensions.
This broth is composed of two parts chicken soup and one part bat-antidote powder.
-I wonder.
It's, uh, to counteract the terrible effects of the fear gas.
You need have no trepidation.
What's that beeping? I'll take it, sir.
- Yes, commissioner? -May I speak with Batman, please? I'm afraid he's indisposed.
Well, then give him these messages.
The newspapers and the state hierarchy are clamoring for an arrest.
And furthermore, in addition to Batgirl being kidnapped my own daughter, Barbara, is nowhere to be found.
I'll certainly transmit your message, sir.
Yes, Alfred? You best get going, sir.
It appears that the mayor and the governor are in a bit of a snit.
Feeling better, sir? Yes, but there seems to be a slight residue of fear left.
However, I must shunt this aside and press on.
- Let's go, Robin.
-Uh, where? Hmm, yes, where? We've learned from past experience that Shame is happiest when he's around horses.
Now, where would we find horses in the heart of Gotham City? Uh, the Police Riding Academy.
No, no, no.
Shame wouldn't be that brazen to hide at a police stable.
But there is one place he might be.
Holy hoof beats, the Gotham Central Park Stables.
Across the street from the opera house.
Let's go, Robin.
Now, here's a plan.
Here's our plan.
You take this grub-steak out, and buy a acetylene torch and a drill.
Why don't we merely purloin those items instead of purchase them? Because it don't pay none, Fred.
It don't pay none to risk getting caught over small potatoes.
Besides, I need you for the great train-robbery.
You sure he's Mexican? You make good squaw.
Plenty of meat.
And you make good rug.
Ah, boy.
That old Fanny's a hundred laughs, ain't she? Oh, Shame, honey.
Can't you just picture how happy we're gonna be? - Yeah.
-You and Ma and me living on our own spread west of Laramie where the air is clear and smog-free and the corn is as high as Chief Standing Pat's eye.
Can't you just picture it? I'm picturing about two-thirds of it.
All right.
Let's see how little old Batchick's doing.
- Hello, Batchick.
-I think you're caring too much about her.
I'm for ventilating her head and leaving her.
Just simmer down, woman.
Simmer down.
She's our insurance policy.
Long as she's breathing this Gotham City stuff they pass for air nobody's gonna stampede us.
Besides you know, it's you.
And only you.
And me.
And only me.
Why couldn't you been born an orphan? Oh.
Good.
Good.
Got the drill? Good.
All right.
Now let's get.
- Shame, honey.
-Yeah.
- You ain't worried none.
-No, I ain't worried.
As long as I got that horseshoe up there.
That's a sign of good luck.
Okay.
We're riding high and hog.
Let's go.
Come on, pussycat.
Come on.
Get up now.
Get up.
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
Look.
It's Frontier Fanny, Calamity Jan's mother.
They're got Batgirl, and we've got Fanny.
It hardly seems like a fair trade, does it, Robin? What do we do now, Batman? I wish I knew, Robin.
I wish I knew.
With Batgirl in the clutches of that frontier felon who knows what disaster awaits her or all of Gotham City.
On your feet.
- All right.
Where did Shame go? -What's he going to do with Batgirl? - Wouldn't you like to know.
-Yes, we would like to know.
Well, I'll tell you this, dynamic dummies.
Do anything to me, and Batgirl's chances of living through the night ain't worth a pitcher of warm tears.
I never met a person I didn't like, Frontier Fanny.
But in this case, I may have to make an exception.
NARRATOR".
Have Batman and Robin been hornswoggled? Watch the next episode for the thrilling conclusion.