Black-ish (2014) s03e21 Episode Script

1 Dre: DNA The building blocks of life.
When people share it, you would think they'd be similar.
Sometimes, they are.
The Miller siblings love basketball.
The Jacksons love plastic surgery.
And my sister and I both like girls.
But sometimes, siblings are completely different.
Look at Bow's family.
There's Johan A waste of space.
There's Bow Doctor, wife, mother.
And then there's her sister Announcer: Previously on "Rich Wives" Have a drink, you thirsty bitch! Dre: Santamonica.
The only thing she and Rainbow have in common is a ridiculous name.
So, what do you guys think? - Ha! - Mm.
You were great! The way you yelled at that lady - Yes! - [Laughs.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Johan: I am impressed.
Throwing that drink was Chomsky-esque in its brutal deconstruction of the patriarchy.
I know! I splashed that bitch! Yes, and in turn, you splashed the fetishistic male gaze.
No! Dre [Gasps.]
Oops! Your dream catcher It fell.
You can destroy my dream catcher, but you can never destroy my dreams.
- We shall see.
- [Groans.]
And the best part is, I've gone viral! - Oh! [Laughs.]
- Wow! Over and over again! Viral! [Laughs.]
Santamonica, I thought you were gonna get a real job after the divorce.
Oh yeah, I was, but then I got a dumb amount of alimony.
You want to see? - Yes.
- Oh.
Oh! Damn! - That is a lot of money - Yes, it is, for three months of marriage.
- Aww, thank you so much.
- Yeah.
It's too bad that you're happy with Dre, because I could get you paid! [Laughing.]
How much? [Laughter.]
- I'm kidding.
- We'll talk.
Okay, hey, you guys want to go pick Mom up for dinner? Yeah, but, Johan, you have to drive, because I am drunk.
- Already.
- I gotcha.
- Whoo! - [Laughs.]
I can't believe that's my sister.
Me either.
She's so cool! [Sighs.]
I'm serious, Dre.
I'm worried about her.
She never applies herself to anything real.
She just skates by on luck.
She's been like this her whole life.
I got 100% on my math test! A lady at the mall wants to put me in a Burger King commercial! She even got to meet Alan Thicke, Dre.
I bet that's been hard on you.
Very.
You know what? - What? - I'm gonna talk to her.
- You should.
- I am, because I just I really I want her to reach her full potential, - like me, you know? - Hmm.
Doctor, wife, mother doctor.
- You said "doctor" already.
- Well, it's a big deal.
I mean, I save lives, Dre.
Not all the time.
Enough of the time.
Math, science, English.
Star Wars, LEGOs, dominoes.
So, you're not bringing any books to school? It's school, Diane.
They have books there.
You guys sound exactly like Santamonica and Mom.
No one ever takes Santamonica seriously, and Mom never has fun.
People take me seriously.
And I'm having fun right now.
Look at me Eating candy for breakfast.
You just chewed a multivitamin.
You know what's not fun? Osteoporosis.
Silly and serious Such clichés.
You think she's right? [Hissing.]
Mmm.
You know what? This may be worth exploring.
Let's go, Zo-Zo.
10 minutes to manis! Okay, but first, I made you pancakes with chocolate chips.
Ohh! My favorite! - Enjoy.
- [Sniffs.]
Cool.
Look, Dad, there's no easy way to say this.
- It's over.
- What's over? Us hanging out all the time.
We I'm going away to college soon, and I just won't have time for you.
This is real.
You should say something.
Are you serious? I am.
So that's why you made me pancakes.
It is.
And you did it in front of them so I wouldn't make a scene.
I did.
Look, you need a new friend in this house.
You have a son.
You should spend time with him.
But Jack is so small.
You have another son.
He hasn't been born yet.
Think.
Junior? [Utensils clank.]
I'd rather take up reading.
It's your call.
You knew about this, didn't you? Everyone knew.
Okay, guys, Baileys Almande What have we got? Got to be honest I thought we were pitching on a whole different account, but it still might work.
"All-new Baileys Almande Now with nonstop flights to Denver.
" [Sighs.]
Josh? "Baileys Almande Drink alone or with friends or alone.
" Terrible.
Dre, please? My daughter just broke up with me.
- What? - Aw.
Guys, come on.
We got to get it together, okay? We have to come up with something original.
Okay, I got it.
"Baileys Almande Lighter-tasting, dairy-free.
" - Outstanding! [Chuckles.]
- What?! He just read that off the piece of paper! Yes, and it was outstanding.
Maybe you should read something off a piece of paper, Josh.
Zoey's leaving for college, and she thinks I should spend more time with my son.
- But Jack's so little.
- No, the other one.
- But he's not born yet.
- Junior.
- [Groans.]
- No, no, no, no, no.
Have you thought about reading? Stevens: Look, Dre, I know you don't have anything in common with your son, but you really should dig deep and work to make a connection.
It's true.
My dad and I used to never talk.
But then, one night, we mutually decided - to plant DNA evidence - No, no, B-Bunny, Bunny.
We don't We don't talk about, uh, the other one.
My father and I loved to spend time together.
I'll always remember when he took me into the forest to hunt for the most dangerous game Deer.
Charlie, that is not the most dangerous game.
Only one of us came back.
So it seemed pretty dangerous to my dad.
[Voice breaking.]
And I miss him every day.
Josh: I've had to dig deep to connect with my cat, so I bat around a piece of balled-up tinfoil.
Do I love it? No.
But sometimes you do what they want to do.
"Do what they want to do.
" I think I'm gonna give it a shot.
So, Josh had given me a plan.
Meanwhile, Bow had her plan for Santamonica.
Hey, girl! Hey! [Singsong.]
You can't have one of these, 'cause you're pregnant! [Singsong.]
Also, 'cause it's 9:15 in the morning on a Tuesday! [Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
Do you remember how Mom and Dad used to encourage us to live lives of impact? Yeah, that's why I'm so psyched that I got "Rich Wives" Maximum impact.
Yeah, I was thinking something more substantial.
Oh.
Huh.
Like this.
Anesthesiology Monthly? Yep.
I wrote a little article in there about a special scope that I invented that is going to save lives.
That's maximum impact.
You want to talk about maximum impact? - Mm-hmm.
- Your breasteses in that shirt.
- [Laughs.]
- Yow! Yeah.
You know, I wasn't even pregnant there.
Okay, that's not the point.
What I'm trying to say "Paging Dr.
Hooters.
Paging Dr.
Chesty Hooters.
Please come to the O.
R.
" Funny, but listen.
Santamonica, you are such a smart person, you know? And I feel like you're capable of so much more than all this reality-TV stuff.
Things change so quickly in that world.
Okay, in my business, if my boobs go, it doesn't matter.
But in your business, it will.
[Gasps.]
You've given me a lot to think about.
You're welcome.
Hey, buddy.
Junior.
I'm talking to you, man.
Oh.
Wow.
Uh, sorry.
You said "buddy," and I've been conditioned to accept that you don't mean me.
Well, I do, all right? Want to hang out or something? We always seem to have so much fun together.
Do we? You're a bit of a bully, Dad.
Say it again to my face.
[Gasps.]
No.
No.
Not this time, buddy.
We can do anything you want.
- Anything? - Anything.
[Shouting, swords clanging.]
I am not watching "Game" Whoa! They are naked.
What did I tell you? - [ Horse neighs.]
- That was incredible! It really is a game! Of thrones.
[Laughs.]
This show is like a rich tapestry, Dad.
Mm-hmm.
And you've got so many seasons to catch up on.
Oh, I'm gonna start watching tonight.
Mm-hmm.
Raise your siblings.
Winter is coming! - [Laughs.]
- Wha You don't get that now, but you will! - Oh! - All right? I'm very proud of you, Rainbow.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
And, you know, this actually started a really good conversation between Santamonica and I.
She said she actually might make a plan for her life and not rely on luck.
Well, she has always been really lucky.
Remember how she met Alan Thicke? Did she? I don't Anyway, I know that you're on your path because your aura is vibrating pink.
I feel so pink.
Guys, I am super-hot pink right now.
Super-hot pink.
- I got a book deal.
- Oh! A book deal? I am writing an empowerment guide for women, telling them how to go from being a thirsty bitch to marrying a baller.
I'm calling it "Manmade Woman colon How to Go from Being a Thirsty Bitch to Marrying a Baller.
" "Manmade Woman"! [Laughs.]
Seriously? - I get it it's ironic.
- But it's not, because she married an athlete and then she got alimony.
Yeah, a man made me, and then I, as a woman, turned it into a profit.
Santa, baby, I knew that the universe made you throw that drink in that woman's face for a reason.
I'm very proud of you! Of both my girls Impacting the world.
Yeah Yeah.
I'm gonna send myself some flowers and tell everybody they're from Bethenny Frankel.
Oh! [Laughs.]
Yeah.
That was so sweet of you, Mom To make her think that her accomplishments are, like, equal to mine, when, I mean you know.
I know what? Uh, you know.
[Laughs.]
I mean, wha Well, mine are, you know 'cause We're not We're not doing this.
What? I'm I'm proud of all of you, Rainbow, and I love you all equally.
Equally? Or like equally? Equally, Rainbow.
- But - You're vibrating a very muddy green.
Green? Dre, how can my mom say that she loves all of her kids equally? I know that's not true.
I have kids.
You know, I didn't think I could love - all of our kids equally, either.
- Hmm.
You know our son Junior? Yeah.
Turns out he's not so bad.
You know, we've been having a great time lately.
[Snoring.]
[Screams.]
Why didn't you tell me the Red Wedding was a bloodbath?! I went in with an open heart.
Dad, I need sleep.
Maybe we should just start spending time with these people and accept them for who they are.
By "these people," Dre, do you mean your son? All I'm saying is that instead of fixing Santamonica, maybe you should try getting to know her for who she is.
And you just might find out that you like her, too.
- I guess I could try to do that.
- Good.
Now, on a scale of 1 to 10, how cool are you with dressing up like Khaleesi? Mother of Dragons? Mm-hmm.
[School bell rings.]
Hey, Jack.
Whoa.
You look not dumb.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
As soon as I put them on, someone from the school paper asked me my opinion on Syria.
I said, "Bad.
" And they wrote it down.
[Chuckles.]
Oh.
Well, this hat has been really fun, and it's a great conversation starter.
Nice.
Zoey was totally wrong about us.
Yo, Jack.
A bunch of us are gonna go spin until we throw up.
You in? Uh thanks but, you know Climate change.
I'm in.
How do you do it? First, you spin around the bat.
Then you barf.
It works better on a full stomach.
Was that pudding? You'll do great.
Okay.
So, you're all caught up? I had to tell the office that Pops was in hospice so I'd get a couple of days off from work, but I'm good to go.
All right, let's do this now, before winter comes.
I get it now.
[ Shouting, swords clanging.]
Arya! Don't go in there! He gon' get you, girl! Run! I can't watch.
I can't watch! It's over.
They're dead.
Oh, okay.
Run it back so I can, uh so I can watch them die.
Unh-unh! She's not who she seems! Dad! Shh! No, no, no, no, no, 'cause I know what's gonna happen.
All right, they're gonna get together, and she is going to betray him.
That is never going to happen.
They've never even met.
You're just talking to hear yourself talk.
I'm not just talking to hear myself talk.
I'm just talking.
What, you got a problem with me talking? You want me to be quiet? [Scoffs.]
I can be quiet right now.
You know, I can't watch this show with you anymore.
You're driving me crazy.
Oh, I'm driving you crazy? You're driving me crazy.
Fine.
Then we don't need to watch this together.
Fine! I was getting tired of slumming with you anyway, watching it on a 50-inch screen.
I'm gonna watch it in my bedroom, on a 70-inch, with no pants! So We haven't had a chance to connect since the divorce.
H-How you doing? [Sighing.]
Oh.
I'm a little mad at myself.
I just made so many mistakes.
Oh, God.
Please.
Listen, marriage is tough.
No, I mean, if we had broken up on-camera, I'd have my own show right now.
Huh.
Yeah, I wasn't talking about the show, though.
I just I'm talking about you.
Like, how do you feel? I feel like you're kind of bumming me out.
Oh.
I was just trying No, it's okay.
It's okay.
I'm gonna use it.
Oh.
For What are you gonna Sad selfie with my lunch.
[Camera clicks.]
# GettingRealWithSis.
# Emotions.
# HamburgerLife.
# MaybeWeShouldStop UsingOurPhones.
Oh, why? Are you running out of battery? - No.
- Okay.
I just I wanted to talk You know, hear what you've been up to.
What do you do when you're not working? Not working? Fam, I'm always working.
- Really? - I mean, Twitter that's work.
Snapchat that's work.
Okay, well, besides all that, like, what do you love? What lights a fire underneath you? Hmm.
- I think what I really love right now - Yeah? is that Eriq La Salle is right behind you.
- Oh.
- What?! Aah! Sad selfie with Eriq La Salle in the background.
[Camera clicks.]
Oh, my God.
SoulGlow.
ER.
# Wow.
# Wow That's good.
- Oh.
- #Wow.
I [bleep.]
hate my sister.
Dre: Junior and I went our separate ways so we could both enjoy "Game of Thrones.
" What? No! Why would he put his guard down? [Shouting, swords clanging.]
He really shouldn't be putting his guard down, huh? [Gasps.]
Ohh! Oh! - You were right! - I was right! - They got together! - And she betrayed him.
Hey, Dad? Hmm? I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I'm sorry I threw away all your baby pictures.
- What? - Yeah, but your mother she took them out of the trash.
But they are covered in Bolognese.
- That's okay.
- Mm? I kind of liked watching the show with you.
You interrupted a lot, but I get it now.
It's just passion.
And you wanted quiet so you can concentrate on the magic.
Hey.
You want to finish watching the show on my 70-inch TV? Can you put your pants back on? I'll put on some shorts.
[Chuckles.]
Come on.
[Sighs.]
I did that.
Mom, I know my aura is coming off sludge brown, but I am out on Santamonica.
What do you mean you're out? She's your sister.
But is she? I mean, I can see how Johan and I are your children, but I don't get how she is.
Are all of your children the same? No.
Well, then, neither are mine.
You look at her, you see one thing.
I look at her, I see a daughter who taught me how to text, who calls her father every day She does? What does she talk to him about? I don't know.
But it gives me a nice break.
Huh.
And she makes me laugh when I'm frustrated at physical therapy.
She goes to physical therapy with you? Every week.
She is a generous spirit.
Hm.
Honey, you You are an incredibly accomplished woman.
Thank you.
But that's not why I love you.
I don't love any of you kids for what you do.
I love you because of who you are.
Hm.
You see what I'm getting at, Rainbow? I do.
Because I want to be very clear so that we don't have to do this again.
Yes.
Ever again.
Yes, Mommy.
Look at this test.
- A 98? - Yeah.
Now my teacher says I have potential.
She wants to move me to a higher reading group.
Damn, Gina! [Scoffs.]
What have I become? I licked the whiteboard on a dare.
It gave me the dia-roo.
Been there.
I hate being silly.
And I hate being serious.
I want to be the one to lick the whiteboard.
Why are we trying to change? We were good the way we were.
We were great the way we were.
I'm going to eat everything in the condiment drawer.
And I'm gonna check the batteries on the smoke detectors.
Santamonica: Hey, y'all! "Rich Wives" season 4, August 20th.
Watch.
[Smooches.]
Bye! Hey, I just wanted to come down here to tell you that I I know I can come off a little bit judgy about how you live your life, and I just want you to know that I'm not gonna do that anymore.
It's done.
Okay.
Thanks.
Your path is different from the one that I chose, but your path is your path.
I feel exactly the same way.
Oh, okay.
Good.
- Ohh! - Aww! I would never choose your path.
What's wrong with my path? - You chose to go to school for an extra 20 years.
I'm a doctor.
- You drive a minivan.
- I'm a mother.
You have a regular table at Chipotle.
I love Chipotle.
Wow.
I just don't understand how two people can be related and be so different.
You guys, you guys, you guys! My baby birds hatched.
- [Birds chirping.]
- [Chuckling.]
Oh, my God.
Our family.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- What'd I do? Besides wage a holy war against sleeves? I run hot.
You know that.
- I get it from Mom.
- Oh, speaking of Mom, did you know that she taught Mom how to text? - Oh! That was you? - Mm-hmm.
Well, you forgot to tell her that not everything needs black prayer hands.
- Right?! - Yeah.
"I think I'm gonna learn how to play the piano.
Black prayer hands.
" "My jam just came on at the dry cleaners.
Black prayer hands.
" - Ooh! Her and that jam.
- No.
We have to get her to stop saying "jam.
" And doing that dance that she does every time she hears it.
Oof.
- Uh, you mean this one? - [Cameo's "Candy" plays.]
- Oh, my God, she's doing it.
- No.
Don't.
Oh.
Oh, that is so accurate.
You You Why do you do that so well, Santamonica? - It's so good.
- I'm her daughter.
Okay, I'm doing it.
I'm going in.
I'm going in.
Wait.
I want to Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah, this is what Mom taught me.
I got this.
That's my jam! Oh! [Laughter.]
It's like candy I can feel it when you walk - There it is.
- Even when you talk - Come on, Mom.
- It takes over me Work it, girl.
Work it, girl.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Huh? Go, Mom.
Unh! Unh! Okay, give it a shimmy.
Just like I do Dre: The beautiful thing about family is that no matter how different you are, there are always things you share.
I'm talking about my blood family, not these weirdos.
Dre: In the game of shoes, I'm a 13 1/2.
Bam! Use your imagination.
Rainbow: I'm a great mom and a bad mother.
Zoey: I'm not sure I'm part of this family, but they're paying for my school, so Junior: I may be a Junior, but next year, I'll be a senior.
Jack: I'm Jack.
Diane: I'm Diane, and I don't want to be here.
We're the Johnsons.
Ain't nobody got time for this.