Call Me Kat (2021) s03e21 Episode Script

1
Hi, Sheila. I'll have my usual.
I've never seen you before in my life.
I'm Jeff.
I've been coming in here every
day for the last two weeks.
I joke around with Kat.
She says "What's up?" I say "Muffin."
That does sound like
something I'd block out.
(SONG BEGINS ON RADIO)
Oh, they're playing Max's
song again. Turn it up.
Oh, it is so crazy to have
a friend's song on the radio.
Other than Drake. I know Drake.
Y'all know I know Drake, right?
It's catchy, too.
But, my goodness,
the woman it's about
sounds like a real zero.
You know darn well that
songs about me, Mother.
But I don't mind. You
know, Max is super talented,
and I'm happy to hear
that song everywhere I go,
including at the fricking gynecologist.
Well, good for you,
'cause if my ex wrote a
song like that about me,
I would lose my mind,
and he would certainly
lose his tires and his wheels,
and maybe even his brakes.
Well, I'm very happy for Max.
Unrelated, how does one do drugs?
Uh-uh.
The hell you think you're doing?
Aw, come on, man.
You guys got the good stuff,
and I'm expecting a big crowd tonight.
You know, for Max and Zoey's
S-H-O-W.
Shut the hell up, you big M-O-R-O-N.
Max has a show tonight?
Yeah, we just didn't want
you to be upset about it.
Plus, you weren't invited.
CARTER: But the show is not a big deal.
It's just Louisville's
biggest country station
doing a live broadcast,
and we're sold out,
and they're calling the song
the biggest tailgate
anthem of the summer.
Ah! Why'd you just kick me?
Well, that-that's great.
You know, I-I want Max to succeed.
Yes, we broke up.
Yes, I was hoping our 20-year
friendship would survive,
but-but Max isn't there yet,
and that's okay, I am
mature enough to accept that.
You can walk, you can run ♪
Oh, zip it, Jeff!
And from now on, no music in here.
Welcome to Footloose!
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
You can walk, you can run ♪
Tell yourself I'm not the one ♪
But we both know ♪
Had to let you go ♪
Can't you see I can't believe ♪
You told the world you'd set me free ♪
But we both know ♪
Had to let you go ♪
Saying there's the door ♪
Thank you. Keep the change.
Appreciate it. Check it out, Randi.
Right into the wedding fund.
We're still not getting a wedding cake
shaped like your hair. Or my ass.
Whoa.
Oh, leaving early, huh?
Must be a pretty lame show.
And that song, so clearly unfair
to the person it's about.
Actually, it was too crowded.
Yeah, those guys need a
much, much bigger venue.
Too crowded?
That sounds like a fire code violation.
Now I'm torn between letting
Max have his big night
and fulfilling my civic duty.
But we both know ♪
Had to let you go ♪
Saying there's the door ♪
Door, door ♪
Door, don't let it hit you in the ♪
Whoa, whoa ♪
Saying there's the door! ♪
(CHEERING)
- (CHEERING)
- That's my buddy!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
This-this whole night
has been like a dream.
Oh, uh, special shout-out to Hubba Bubba
- and the Morning Zoo.
- (CROWD CHEERS)
Best of luck next week
at the Safeway opening.
(CROWD LAUGHS)
And to my high school guidance counselor
who said I'd never make
it in the music business,
you can kiss my ass!
(CHEERING)
RIP, Mrs. Henderson.
Oh, that was so great,
I almost forgot I was
listening to country music.
So good, even if you forgot to say
that the Middle C has the coldest beers
and hottest bartender.
(LAUGHS) It wouldn't be
the same without you guys.
Also, thank you in
advance for understanding
that I'm gonna have to dump y'all
when I become rich and famous.
Oh, hey, Kat.
What up, homies?
"What are you doing here?"
she says like she didn't bet Carter
that this is exactly
how it was gonna go down.
Oh, that's right,
I forgot the big show was tonight.
That must be why
the fire department asked
me to conduct a headcount.
Self-appointed junior
marshal, so you know,
I got things going on, too.
No, I like that you're here.
This way you can see all the ladies
throwing their underwear at me.
Yeah, I'm gonna need those back.
All right, I got to get back up there.
Wait, Max, I just
I want you to know
I'm genuinely happy for you.
Well, I guess you were right.
You crushing my heart
really did help my career.
No, Max, that's not what I
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Sorry, it's so loud.
Mother, put your bra back on!
Holy mother of Wi-Fi,
you've got to be kidding me.
- What?
- Some music influencer found out
that Max's song was about me
and she won't stop DMing
me for an interview.
Well, how did she find out?
Sorry, sweetheart,
she was at Max's show.
If you buy me three drinks,
you get full access to my mind or body.
It's just the way I was raised.
I'm trying to be supportive of Max,
but his song is everywhere.
This isn't healthy for you.
We need to get your mind
off of all this Max stuff.
How about a girls' trip?
And if that means we have
to close the café for a day,
or a week, then so be it.
That's a great idea.
We could go wine tasting,
or to a spa, or wine tasting.
Hi, can I speak to your manager?
How can I help you?
I'm Val. I'm here to see
if I can put up a
flyer for our cat show,
The Louisville Pretty Kitty.
Not to be confused with the
gentleman's club off I-65.
You're doing Pretty Kitty again?
I wasn't sure you would
after last year's incident.
They double booked with
an exotic bird show.
For the record, the
cats had a great time.
Well, this is fate.
Randi, we were just talking
about doing something fun.
What's more fun than a cat show?
Literally everything.
Now hold on, Randi, before you say no,
is there a bridge between here and there
we can drive off?
Come on, we can enter Martin Scatsese.
Yes, definitely.
It's fun to compete,
even if you won't win.
Just like all those nations
nobody can pronounce at the Olympics.
Wait, are you saying that
Martin can't take home a trophy?
No, of course not.
But yes.
Entering a premiere cat show
isn't something you do on a whim.
You spend years building
a rapport with your animal,
mortgaging your boat
to pay for cat training,
leaving your husband
when he gets in the way.
Jokes on you. She ain't got a man.
Well, I'll leave these
with you. I have to run.
My Silver Persian is getting a blowout
at the Dry Bar down the street.
That's why Fredrick cancelled on me?
Hey, since you're both here,
there's something I've
been wanting to ask you.
Yes, you've gained weight.
- What?
- But it's cool.
Because of Lizzo, it's okay now.
You look great.
You know, so many people starve
themselves before their wedding.
I think it's nice you
went the other way.
I was gonna ask you to be my groomsmen,
but now I'm rethinking the whole thing.
- Snap! Hell yeah.
- Groomsmen!
(LAUGHTER)
BRIGITTE: Hello, stranger.
Brigitte, you made it.
Of course.
I'm not going to come all the way
to a conference in
Nashville and not see you.
I mean, first I saw the
toilet where Elvis died.
Allegedly. I think he's
living in Cuba with Tupac.
Oh, man. Kat is not gonna like this.
- Why?
- That's Max's ex-girlfriend.
They were together for like ten years.
She's from "Pa-ree."
That's French for "Paris."
(CAT MEOWS)
I think I'm the only Black person here.
Normally I would be offended,
but right now, I just feel proud.
All these booths and
not one bottle of liquor?
Does catnip get you buzzed?
No.
Hmm. I'm gonna try it.
All right, the first
"cat-egory" is best of breed,
followed by the costume competition,
and then the agility course.
And you wanted to go to New Orleans.
Oh, look who's here.
That sad little stray
cleaned up so nice.
And your cat looks good, too.
Katharine is not a stray.
I only left her at the fire station
for ten minutes before I went back.
You're not getting in my head, Val.
We are winning this
because Martin is beautiful
and he's got a great "purr-sonality."
Good one.
Let me introduce you
to three-time champion,
Admiral Cheswick.
These are his little ribbons,
and of course, his
tiny "purr-ple" heart.
Are you kidding me? That's the
exact same joke I just made.
And it wasn't funny
when she said it neither.
Well, the competition starts in an hour,
so I recommend you head
to the grooming station.
Oh, I actually gave
him a bath this morning.
I wasn't talking about the cat.
(IMITATES GROWLING)
Yeah, well the Admiral has split ends.
That's right, I went to Dry Bar
and Frederick and I were being "catty."
See what I did there, Katharine?
Thank you, Mother.
You really think we can win?
There's a lot of
good-looking cats around here.
Like this one that looks
like a little leopard
you can put in your purse.
Or better yet, make it into a purse.
No, Martin's got this.
He needs this win. I need this win.
It's been a crappy couple of weeks,
and nothing's gonna make me feel better
except a plastic trophy with
a tiny little cat on top.
Now, come on, let's make
this $500 entrance fee
not feel like a huge mistake.
It's crazy. (LAUGHS)
It just feels like yesterday
we were running around
the Left Bank together.
Do you still go to that little café
with the amazing house
wine and really rude waiter?
Max, it is France. That is every café.
- (LAUGHS)
- Hey, just wanted to check
to see if you guys wanted anything else.
I'd love another.
Oh, great, when Darren comes back,
I'll let him know.
Or you could go get it.
(LAUGHS) This guy.
So why are you in town?
How long are you here? When you leaving?
(LAUGHS) I don't know.
Depends on how long
Max can put up with me.
Well, you're pretty easy to put up with,
unlike some people.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Ugh, my boss.
Hello? Yes, of course I'm
still at the conference.
Hey, tell your boss
"soup du jour" from me.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Nothing, I'm just catching
up with an old friend.
She's not just an old friend,
she's your smoking hot ex.
I can't help it if my
exes are hot. I'm hot.
You know Kat has always
been weird about Brigitte.
Yeah, well, I'm not with Kat anymore,
so it doesn't matter.
I'm telling you, man,
you're playing with fire,
which sounds like fun
until lighting a fart
goes terribly wrong.
I am so sorry,
I have to go back to my
hotel to email my boss a file.
Oh, that's too bad.
Unless, uh, you come with me?
There's a lovely bar at my hotel.
Hotel bars. What a snooze.
You know what? That
sounds great. Let's go.
This is not gonna end well.
Oh, yes, it is.
They totally gonna have sex.
My name is Val Park,
and this is Admiral Cheswick.
He loves warm milk,
naps in the sun
and America.
Bring our troops home.
Smart, the patriot angle.
Brings me back to Fleet Week, 1974.
By the time it was over,
those boys were thanking
me for my service.
Okay, that's it. I'm starting a podcast
and you're my only guest.
I'm Kat Silver,
and this is director of Taxi
Driver, Martin Scatsese.
And there's just one
thing I want to know:
"You meowin' at me? You meowin' at me?"
Ooh, this place is nice.
I am definitely stealing
a robe from here.
What is going on?
There is no wine in here.
Is this a room for children?
And if so, where is the children's wine?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, it's here.
See? It's can-bernet.
I bet you didn't know
Lubbock had a wine region.
To old friends.
And new beginnings.
You know what goes great with, uh
let's call it wine.
Well, I hope it's wasabi
peas or gummy bears
'cause that's what we got.
I was thinking more like a bath.
Oh. Hmm.
Rub-a-dub-dub, two friends in a
You know what? Yes, the answer is yes.
I'll go get it started.
Uh, I hope you like it hot.
Actually, my feet
are weirdly temperature sensitive, so
You know what? Yes, the answer is yes.
- All right.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Housekeeping.
Oh, good, somebody forgot
to put a robe in here.
- Ha, not really housekeeping.
- What are you doing?
I'm trying to stop you
from making a big mistake.
Do you know what Brigitte
is doing right now?
Running a bath. A bath.
It's clean and dirty.
Come on, man, there's a lot of ladies
in Louisville that you can get with.
You're tall, you're muscular,
your eyes are the color of the ocean.
- You know, when you laugh
- Carter, did you come here
to ask me to prom?
I'm just saying, you
can get with anyone.
Why Brigitte?
Kat will never talk to you again
and that'll blow up our friend group.
It'll break my heart
if Randi won't let me
play with you anymore.
How is this my fault? Kat dumped me.
Yeah, and that sucks, but she did it
because she thought that's
what was best for you.
If you're really being
honest with yourself,
you're just doing this to hurt Kat.
That's not true. Did you not
hear the thing about the bath?
- Now, come on.
- Okay, okay.
All right, all right. You know what?
I didn't want to have to do this.
Huh?
You just handcuffed yourself
to the outside of the door.
- What?
- Yeah.
Wait, hold on, wait, wait. Aw.
Damn, what'd I do with that key?
I am so nervous.
Now I know how my mother felt
when she entered me into
Little Miss Louisville.
For my talent, I made
a perfect dirty martini.
For Little Miss Detroit,
you just had to rebuild a transmission.
I just found out the
Admiral's in the lead,
but Martin's a close second.
Oh, and Mr. Big Stuff
has been disqualified for
performance enhancing drugs.
You're welcome.
I guess it all comes down
to the agility course.
Marty, I want you to know
that no matter what happens,
I will still love you.
But if you lose, you're
riding home in the trunk,
just like I did after
Little Miss Louisville.
It was a different time.
Last chance to quit.
You can still walk out
of here with your dignity.
Though I guess you
would've had to walk in here
with dignity first.
(CHUCKLES) Please, I haven't
worried about my dignity
since I got food poisoning on
a trapeze at Sandals Jamaica.
ANNOUNCER: On your marks,
get set, go.
Admiral, full speed ahead.
Come on, Marty. Action. Action.
Come on.
Come on, do it for Mama. Come on.
Come on. Yeah, that's it. Keep going.
Yeah, you're riding home in
the front seat tonight, baby.
Screw it.
- What are you doing?
- Winning.
The hell you are.
This has taken a strange turn.
Or the catnip is kicking in.
Whatever it is, I'm here for it.
Scratch her eyeballs out!
ANNOUNCER: Security
to the agility course.
RANDI: Yeah, that's right, Kat!
Show her you're a better cat
than that other crazy-ass bitch!
Oh, Katharine, you're gonna
win your first pageant.
RANDI: Go, girl!
Doesn't this feel better
than those stupid degrees?
(CHEERING)
♪
We did it!
Looks like you got
divorced for nothing, Val!
You and the Admiral can kiss my Aah!
Oh, what the hell is Egyptian cotton?
It's like I'm wearing a baby seal.
I'm going to call down
for some proper champagne.
We French did not
surrender in seven wars
for me to drink wine from a can.
Great, I'll meet you in the bath.
Takes me a while to get my feet in.
KAT: You should totally steal that robe.
Kat?
Oh, I'm imaginary Kat.
Everything you love about real Kat,
with the added bonus of
being awesome at the robot.
Mm, that's exactly how you always do it.
Oh, guess that means real Kat
is awesome at the robot, too.
Okay, I know why you're here.
Listen, I have every right
to hook up with Brigitte.
With her enthusiastic
consent, of course.
Wow, you really are in my head.
No, you do you.
Or in this case, I guess, Brigitte.
I don't have an eggplant
emoji, but I do have this.
Wow. You know, imaginary
Kat is really da bomb.
You are such a dork.
- I am not.
- Really? 'Cause the first time
I met you in college,
you put a Slip 'N Slide
in the dorm hallway.
It was an excellent
way to raise awareness
about the dangers of
drinking and walking.
And I got a concussion.
Well, in hindsight, I
guess I shouldn't have
ended it at the top of the stairs.
You did catch sweet air though.
And then you stayed
up with me all night.
I had to make sure
you didn't fall asleep.
Your cymbals made sure of that.
Third chair. Whatevs.
Yeah, we had so much fun over the years.
What the hell?
You would not believe what
I have in this bathtub.
I've never known anyone like you.
BRIGITTE: Max, do you want
anything other than champagne?
No, I'm good.
Kat?
Kat?
Ow! What are we, lobsters?
You're not in the bath yet?
Have you talked to a
doctor about your feet?
I'm sorry, I got to go.
What? Why?
I can't do this.
Take care.
But before I leave, I
just need you to know.
You have to steal your robe.
Oh, my God.
I knew you'd do the right thing, bro.
Hey, where you going?
Hey, can you get the
handcuff key out of my car?
And I was like, "Boom,
in your face, Val.
You mess with the Kat,
you get the claws."
- You said that to her?
- It was pretty heavily implied
by the way I held the door
open for her as she left.
- Hey, ladies.
- Hey.
Kat, can we talk?
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of my posse. Word.
Nope. (CHUCKLES)
Come on, Sheila, let's
give them some space.
I wanted to watch.
Well, that's what the window is for.
Hey, what's up?
The radio station wants me and Zoey
to do another show next week.
So we're gonna have
to write a second song.
Or hope that Hubba Bubba's
listeners are high enough
that they don't remember the first one.
That's great.
Yeah, thanks.
And, um,
I was thinking it might
be nice if you came.
Oh, you-you don't have to do that.
I know. It's just
I think it's gonna be
a really good show and
I miss my friend.
I miss you, too.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- What?
- Cat show injury.
- What?
I cracked a rib beating the Admiral,
and now I'm banned from Pretty Kitty.
And that's why I miss my friend.
Man, I'm tired of
putting out your fires ♪
You're hot enough to burn it down ♪
We were gold, now we're just cold ♪
I'm sick of always burning out ♪
When I walk away ♪
Tell me who's to blame ♪
I know you're gonna say ♪
It's just another he
said, she said thing ♪
You can walk, you can run ♪
Tell yourself I'm not the one ♪
But we both know ♪
Had to let you go ♪
Can't you see I can't believe ♪
You told the world you'd set me free ♪
But we both know ♪
Had to let you go. ♪