George Lopez (2002) s03e21 Episode Script

My idiot fiancé can't come to the poker party tonight.
He's going to premarital counseling.
- And he's okay with you not being there? - Oh, he doesn't know yet.
It'll give him something to talk about.
Hey, I brought the cards for the game.
No, no.
We're using a new deck of cards this time.
Why can't we use my naked firefighter cards? Look.
Huh? Because every time I say I'm holding a pair, I feel dirty.
My dad's on his way over.
Just so you know he signed his divorce papers today, so he might be a little depressed.
Why would he be depressed? He's a good-Iooking doctor with a lot of money.
He'll get another woman.
It's not like if you left George.
I mean, that would be sad.
Hey.
I'd do okay.
Come on, George.
If you take the house away, and the cars and the kids you're just a big head living in a field.
Mom, please.
I'd get another woman like that.
Because I have yet to hear of a divorce case where the wife got custody of the hair.
Yeah, enjoy your hair, because I still got custody of this.
- I love you, I love you so much.
- Aw.
Well, you know, if you love me so much, let my dad in on your poker game tonight.
- It'll cheer him up.
- No, Angie, look, this is my thing, okay? It's my game, it's my garage, and I like to decide who plays.
You wouldn't even have a garage if my dad hadn't given money to rebuild it.
Look, I'm grateful your dad loaned us the money.
When you play cards, it's for five hours.
You don't wanna play with people who are annoying.
Then why does your mom get to play? She's important to the game.
Because when one of the guys starts to hit on her, I know it's time to take his keys.
Angie, friends don't let friends find that attractive.
- Hey.
Angie, let me ask you something.
- What? Does Vic play a lot of poker? No, I don't think so.
I'm not even sure if he knows how to play.
Hmm.
Oh, let's see.
A rich doctor, can't control his emotions, and he doesn't know the game.
Heh.
Looks like Mama's getting back teeth.
Oh, Vic.
Hope to see you later tonight.
Bring beer and plenty of cash.
Thank you, Benny, but I do not pay for the sex.
No.
But you do pay for the house where your ex-wife and her boyfriend are doing it.
So you are paying for the sex.
You're just not getting any.
She was talking about George's poker game tonight, Daddy.
You wanna play? It might be nice to have a distraction, Daddy.
Take your mind off the divorce.
I don't even think about the divorce.
Well, sometimes, when I'm performing heart surgery and my mind starts to wander, and And I fantasize that it's Emilina on the table, and all I have to do is reach down and squeeze that heart until it pops.
- Daddy, poker? - Yes, I would love to play.
I'll go to the bank and withdraw $1000.
Oh, $1000.
Vic, it's just a friendly nickel-and-dime game.
Oh, I didn't realize I was playing with the ladies.
See you later, Mary Alice.
Thanks a lot, Angie.
You just ruined my night.
Well, maybe I can make it up to you.
Hmm? Nothing.
Ha, ha.
I love you.
Come on, Ernie, are you in or out? Oh, I don't know.
It's a lot of money.
It's 75 cents.
It is? I fold.
All right, Benita.
Let's see what you got.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
We're talking about cards, no? That depends.
Do you wanna be talking about cards? Mom, show your hand! Read them and weep, boys.
I got a San Francisco wedding.
Two queens.
- Huh? - Sorry, Mom.
But I got the numbers hidden on your scalp.
Six, six, six.
Whacha! Very good, George.
I never saw that coming.
Eh.
Look at that face.
Not crooked, not curved, not bendy.
What do you call it? - Straight? - Yes! That is what I have.
Oh! More coins for the change holder in my German luxury sedan.
It's getting late.
Let's make this game interesting so we can win some of our money back.
Best five cards.
No limits.
Oh, I fold.
You don't even have cards yet.
I know, George, but a very wise gambler once gave me some advice.
He said You sing that Kenny Rogers song one more time, I'll punch you in your eye.
Okay, okay.
You got to know when to hold them, and know when to fold Ernie! - I brought snacks.
- Chip me.
- Bet's to you, Vic.
- Okay.
I open with $10.
I am going to have to see your 10, and raise you 20.
Oh, my goodness, Grandma.
Is it good when you have all the same colors in a row like that? She's bluffing.
When I was a kid, she made me do the same thing in Spanish.
- I fold.
- All right.
Well, I will see my mom's 20, and raise it 30.
Just me and you, Vic.
The bet is $50.
Okay, Mr.
Money Pants, I call.
- Three kings! - Oh! Damn.
Hey, Max, watch out for Mom because she's mad at you for that thing you forget to do in the bathroom.
- Flush? - Yes! That is what I have.
I believe you owe me 50.
- I think we are good here.
- Yeah.
You owe me 50.
- Let's go.
- I'll take it off your tab.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about the $17,000 I loaned you to rebuild this garage.
Now you owe me $50 less.
Hey, man.
That's separate.
Okay? This is a poker game.
You made a bet.
- You gotta honor it.
- Yeah.
George is right.
This is a game of honor.
You shouldn't be gambling anyway.
You owe me money.
Hey, man, I pay you every month.
That was the deal.
And now the deal is, this month, you will pay $50 less.
You're welcome.
- Vic, pay the money.
- I refuse.
- Huh? What if I just take it? - Oh, yeah? My wallet is strapped to inside of my thigh so the only thing you're gonna take is a beating.
- Hey - Wait, wait, stop it! Stop it, both of you.
Golly, this game is tearing us apart.
We're supposed to be having fun.
Come on, we're all friends.
Why don't we pretend this night never happened and give everybody their money back, all right? You owe me five, you seven, and you 12.
- I'm not - Those quarters are all mine.
What am I doing? Dr.
Victor Palmero does not quibble over $50.
I'm leaving.
Whacha! Oh! Oh, no.
You don't "whacha" me in my own house.
- Hey, man, this isn't over.
Pay up.
- What happened? Your dad owes me some money, he's being a big baby about it.
Baby? Am I the one whining? Wah! "Give me my $50.
" Wah! If I am a baby, you are a fetus.
- Daddy, if you lost, you should pay George.
- Why? He already owes me thousands of dollars for the garage.
Psh.
If that's the way you want it, you owe me five bucks for this sandwich.
- What? - You nickel-and-dime me I'll nickel-and-dime you right back.
You're both being childish.
George, give my dad back his sandwich.
Daddy, I'll make you another one.
Hey, make him all the sandwiches you want, Angie.
I'll just add it to his tab.
That's right.
Let me see, that's $10 for two sandwiches and, uh, $15 for that steak you ate on Friday.
Oh, and a dollar for every time you said "Castro" or "Cuba" or "Oye, chico.
" So let's see.
That's 17,050 minus the 17,000 for the garage so you owe me, look at that, man.
Fifty bucks! - This is insane.
- Fifty-one.
You see? This is why you shouldn't play poker for money.
You should play for compliments.
I see your nice hair and raise you a "Wow, have you been working out?" What do? What? What? What? Okay.
You wanna play your petty games? I'm quadrupling your monthly payments.
I can barely afford what I'm paying now.
Oh, but you can afford to gamble, and golf, and buy gallons of jojoba hair conditioner.
- You are killing your follicles.
- Vic, pay me my damn $50.
- No.
- Then get out of my house.
- George.
- Fine.
But get your stuff out of my garage.
- Daddy.
- Your garage? That's right.
I'm calling in my loan.
I'm foreclosing on the garage and kicking you out.
And I can afford to speak however I want! Oye, Castro! Cuba! Castro! Cuba! - The garage door didn't open.
- That's weird.
Maybe Vic clipped all the wires before he put that big lock on the door.
What? - He can't lock me out of my own garage.
- No, he can't.
Get my tools.
I'll cut this thing.
- Do that.
- Don't think I will? - I'll cut through it like that.
- Where are your tools? - Damn! - Hey, Daddy.
Hey.
How'd you get your skates out of the garage? Grandpa gave them to me before he locked it.
Oh, and hey, he gave me $50 to buy whatever I wanted.
- That's my $50.
- He said you'd say that.
- Tell me the combination right now.
- I don't know it.
Carmen.
I will rent a low rider.
And I will drive you to school in my underwear.
And I will drive slow so all your friends can see.
And I will honk the horn: Have a nice day, sweetie! Don't get pregnant! All right.
All right, I saw Grandpa write on a piece of paper and slip it under the mat.
Rookie mistake, Vic.
"If you are reading this, you are a bigger idiot than I thought.
Over.
" Don't laugh.
Angie! - What? - Do you know your dad put a lock on the garage door? - No, I was at the store all morning.
- He can't do that.
- Oh, yes, he can.
Because he is out of his mojito-drinking, banana-frying, chicken-chasing mind! This is all your fault for forcing me to let him in the game.
I admit, he's being immature and stubborn.
But you know what? So are you.
- Well, how can you say that? - Oh, uh, I don't know.
Remember this? How can I forget our weekend at the lake? All I'm saying is, it's only $50.
Let it go.
My dad has done a lot for us.
Well, and we've done a lot for him.
We let him stay here when your mom left him.
Angie, I went halfway to Cuba to pull his brother out of the ocean.
I comforted him when the garbage men accidentally took away his annoying conga drum.
- I thought you said that was stolen.
Who knows what really happened? This is out of control.
I'm calling him right now and getting him to take off that lock.
- Max! - You got to let me in garage.
- Grandpa said not to let anyone in his garage.
Max, it's my garage, okay? Tell me the combination.
Max, I will rent a low rider, and I will take you to school in my underwear.
Cool! Can I go in my underwear too? - Tell me the combination.
- Okay.
- Forty-two, 16, 23.
- Hold on.
Wait.
Maybe it's 24, 61, 32.
There's no 61.
Okay.
Forty-two, 32, 16.
Darn it.
Twenty-three, 15, 32.
No.
He gave the combination to a dyslexic fifth grader.
The man is an evil genius! - Got your message.
- Finally.
- Now, get that lock off the garage.
- I'm afraid I cannot do that.
But this is not between you and me.
So I'll give you the combination, if you promise not to tell George.
I have to tell George.
He's my husband.
Angie, I don't want to put you in the middle.
But you have to pick right now between your father and your husband.
- I love you, but I pick George.
- So this is how it ends.
- Hello, beautiful.
- Uh, hi.
Vic, I'm glad you're here.
- Really.
- Yep.
- I wanna put all this behind us.
- That's very big of you, honey.
Here.
This is the rest of the $17,000 I owe you.
We are, whacha, even.
- Where did you get all this? - Don't worry about it.
Please tell me Carmen's not on a private jet to Kuwait right now.
I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.
It was so easy.
Opened eight new credit cards, and took out cash advances on all of them.
Ai! Are you crazy? Do you know how much interest we're gonna have to pay on this? No.
But I could figure it out on my new, complimentary solar-powered calculator I got.
- It needs the sun.
Uh-huh.
So you have a problem with me and you go off and do something foolish like this? How can you put your family in debt without talking to your wife, eh? That's no way to run a marriage.
What do you know? At least my wife's not with another man right now.
Don't say it.
I know.
Hey.
Hey, Vic.
Here.
You got your garage back.
- Look, I'm sorry, man.
That was too much.
- Yeah, it was.
This wouldn't have gotten out of hand if you hadn't thrown that loan in my face.
Maybe I'm just tired of being taken advantage of.
- Vic, I wasn't trying to take advantage of you.
- Not you.
Emilina.
Is that what this is about? Right now, my wife and her boyfriend are sleeping in the bed that we bought together.
I want to go back to the lawn in front of our house scream at the top of my lungs that she's a whore and throw a rock through the bedroom window.
But my lawyer said that's how I lost the boat.
- That sucks, Vic.
- I know it does.
Sorry I took it out on you.
Listen give that money back to the credit cards, and pay me back on the original schedule.
Thank you.
And now that I have unburdened myself to you, let's have a little truth between us.
Why was that $50 so important? It's kind of hard for me to talk about.
But you know I didn't have a dad and you've always been kind of a father figure to me.
So when I didn't get something I felt that you owed me it brought up all those feelings of abandonment all over again.
Really? No! I pulled a flush, man! You know how hard that is? Pay me my 50 bucks, chico.
Fine.
Wait, what are you doing? I told you, I keep my wallet strapped to my thigh.
- Just write me a check.
- Okay.
- Vic, what are you doing? - Getting my checkbook.
Okay.
Five card stud.
But we're playing for compliments.
- What? - No.
My deal, my rules.
Everyone ante up a compliment.
You are more beautiful today than the day I married you.
Aw.
You're a wonderful daughter.
I hope to marry a woman like you someday.
Benny.
You must save a lot of money on bras.
All right, now what do we do? Well, uh, Benny has the high hand so whoever wants to start the betting has to compliment Benny.
I fold.
- I'm out.
- Me too.