Hart of Dixie s03e21 Episode Script
Stuck
The famous restaurant blogger, Walter Wallen.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go convince him to review Fancie's.
Whoa.
This guy can do so much for restaurants, maybe I want him reviewing the Rammer Jammer.
I never do two reviews in one town, but there's a first time for everything.
Double Five Fork review.
Oh, Davis, how come you are so wonderful? And you forgot handsome and charming.
Didn't realize y'all were so serious.
We are.
Wade, I know that you feel like I let you down, but no matter what either one of us did, Charles and Vivian Look, Zoe, I get you were only trying to help, but it's probably better that I don't interact with you.
Knock, knock, knock.
And hello! Brando! Hey, what-what are you doing here, and so early? I had to come see you because you are responsible for the very best thing in my world.
I'm getting married! Sylvie Stephens said yes! Oh, my God, that's amazing! Never forget, you are the reason this happened.
You, Zoe Hart, are a love maker.
I am.
I should put that on a business card.
Know what else you should put on a business card? Your address.
And then you should memorize it so I don't keep getting your crap delivered to my house.
Wade, I was coming to see you next.
I just heard the good news, Brando.
Congrats.
She's a lucky lady.
Uh, that is not my crap, okay? My name isn't even on the box.
You are the only person in this state who orders quilts by the box.
When the seasons change.
And I already have my duvet for this season.
I-I'm gonna go.
The wedding will be in the next month or so.
Oh, also, Sylvie would love it if the two of you would give a reading together.
There's a Shel Silverstein poem Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Absolutely not.
I'm hearing you say you'll think about it.
I can't tell you how happy I am to share this.
Oh, wow.
What can I say? Sylvie turned me into a hugger.
Oh, nice.
So long.
Okay.
Look what I made happen.
Hmm.
Hey! You know, that's not mine.
I'm not returning your stupid box, Wade! Hmm.
Zoe Hart, Love Maker.
Nice.
Well, I've got nothing before 9:00.
Well, I'm sorry.
Blame Walter Wallen.
But I promise, it'll be worth it.
You're welcome! I say you're welcome because you're gonna thank me as soon as you hang up.
Hang up.
Grandma, what are you doing here? I did it.
I pulled every string, and I booked you on the Belles and Bachelors Cruise.
Oh, no.
The S.
S.
Desperation? That's what we used to call it.
When you were younger and had all your options.
Now you'd better call it your last best chance to find your perfect Southern fiancé.
So, you want to put me out to sea for a month with a bunch of Titanic-worshipping losers? It is a luxury liner with a very exclusive passenger list, most of whom disembark engaged.
It's Noah's Ark in reverse.
You leave in four days.
Uh, no, I don't.
If you want to go get norovirus on the Love Boat, you go.
I'm very busy here.
I have a very popular restaurant to run.
Well, there isn't anybody here.
That's because we're not open yet! Hmm.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with Melanie LaRue, Southern Alabama's most influential socialite, and she just might want to be throwing her wedding here.
Well why don't you ask her where she met her fiancé? I've got an Andrew Jackson says she met him on the boat.
Oh! Magnolia? It's your grandmother.
I need your help, and I'm willing to pay.
No, no, and no, I am not interested in having some unqualified following me around.
Unqualified? I will have you know, I have seen every episode of House, most of them twice.
And many, many times I figured out what was wrong with those people before House did.
Hey.
What's going on? I, Rose Hattenbarger, have decided I might want to be a doctor, so I want to shadow one for a few days.
No way! That is so cool! Shadow me! Yes, do that! No! Well, no offense, but you're not tough and curmudgeonly enough to be a mentor.
I need Dr.
Breeland to be the short-tempered Meryl Streep to my wide-eyed Anne Hathaway, so that I will eventually win his respect.
Your respect's not that hard to win.
Ouch.
I think.
Oh.
Crazy Earl's waiting for you.
Earl? Is he lost? Says he's here for a physical.
- That's a first.
- No! - The answer is still - Bertram? I am taking you to lunch.
We must talk about Lemon.
Oh, Mother, uh, well, you know I would love to, but, uh, actually, I am spending the entire day being a mentor to the next generation of physicians.
Yes.
The most important work there is.
Well, then, later at family dinner.
Amazing! Let the healing begin.
And the healing begins with you making coffee.
Uh, sure, Burt Reynolds ate the pool table.
But where most men see a problem, I saw an opportunity.
A Ping-Pong table.
Why not? So, when you called me this morning, said, "Hey, why don't you come over for breakfast?" Oh, we're gonna have breakfast.
After we set up your toy.
Oh! It's not a toy.
This is a piece of professional athletic equipment.
Well, then, maybe you should have hired some professionals to put it together for you instead of trying to trick your friend into doing it for free.
I'm paying you in pancakes.
Uh-huh.
Code Red, Mayor Hayes! Our perimeter has been compromised! Frank, is that the freeway sign? It's a crime wave.
I say, we find the little bastards that did this and string 'em up by their painty red hands.
Know what I'm looking at, George? A cautionary tale on vigilante justice? Another opportunity.
Look, look, here's what I always hated about this sign.
They put BlueBell last, man.
That's right.
That is primo, Grade-A BS.
Yeah, and the state's gonna have to make the new sign, anyway.
Let's get the comptroller to put our name first this time.
That's a great idea.
You want me to give 'em a call, set up a meeting? Oh, better.
No, invite him to dinner tonight, my place.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know them city officials-- they never get out.
That's right.
That's a great idea.
We'll bring him out, schmooze him a little bit, show him a couple of Super Bowl rings, and, boom, new sign.
I will call him right now.
All right.
What should I do? Oh, help me put together this Ping-Pong table.
I'll get you some pancakes.
Oh! And breathe out.
Lungs sound good.
Feel good, too.
None of that raspiness, no more coughing.
Oh, yeah? What changed? I want to live my life with more intention.
You know, be present.
Mm-hmm.
Also, I quit drinking.
What?! I'm sorry.
Did you just say? Yup.
Four weeks, two days without a drop.
Earl, that is great.
What inspired this? Oh.
What inspires anyone to do anything, really? I just wanted to be my best self in case my best self was called for.
Oh, my God.
Earl, you're in love.
Damn, Doc, you're good.
Well, turns out-- and I was reminded of that this morning-- it's kind of my specialty.
I'm so happy for you.
Well, don't be too happy.
I'm pretty sure Mae Ellen doesn't even know I exist.
Mae Ellen Waterloo, the health inspector? Yeah.
Doc, I'm feeling things I didn't think I'd ever feel again.
And, no, this time, it's not gas.
That is so romantic.
Have you told her? I haven't spoken to her yet.
I'm working up to it, getting in shape.
One day I will.
I tell myself anything is possible.
Earl you are right.
And I'm glad you came to me, 'cause I know how to help you.
Because, yes, anything is possible.
Ms.
LaRue, you already know how Mr.
Wallen feels about our food.
Our room may not be the biggest that you are looking at, but, I assure you, you will find an intimacy here that you will not find elsewhere.
Well, there are going to be a lot of eyes on this wedding.
Do you think Fancie's is ready to play on that stage? Melanie's worried about you more than herself.
She wants to make sure you're ready to swim in the deep end.
Oh, I assure you, we are ready.
Well, I admit, I'm intrigued.
Now, I went to your Web site hoping to see photos of weddings you've held here, but I couldn't find your Web site.
Melanie's concerned that your lack of Web presence might indicate a certain professional naiveté.
Well, about that There was a candy store called Fancie's.
And also, what looked to be an upscale escort service.
Well, honestly, after the review, all of that traffic just crashed our site.
But it will be back up within the week.
Well, I presume there will be photos of weddings you've held here? You know it.
Melanie just wants to ensure that your I get it.
There will be photos.
Lots and lots of photos.
Mm.
You know, by law, I'm allowed to kick you out of this bar.
Well, did you even hear what I said?! Yeah, Earl quit drinking.
Happens five times a week.
Good-bye.
No.
This is different, Wade.
He is in love.
He even cleaned himself up for a woman he hasn't even talked to yet.
Why are you telling me? Isn't there something called doctor-patient confidentiality or, as I like to call it, leaving me the hell alone? Because however you are feeling about me, he's your dad, and he needs our help-- both of us.
As we saw this morning, I have a gift for putting people together.
And as Alabama's foremost ladies' man, you can give him some pointers.
Zoe, if you think any of this is gonna happen, you've clearly been drinking.
The last thing Earl needs is a date.
Well, how can you say that? Decades of research.
Last time Earl asked a girl out, it was a five-alarm disaster.
He showed up drunk, in his underwear in the wrong town.
The humiliation sent him into a lost weekend that lasted a week.
He is ready to be in love.
Okay, he wants this so badly, and you and me-- we can help him.
See, that's the thing, Zoe.
You and me-- we don't do things together.
You know, you're an even crappier son than you are a neighbor.
Mm-hmm.
Fine.
If you won't help him, I will.
You want to know why? I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
Because anything is possible, Wade.
Anything.
Yeah, see, that's where I disagree.
Not anything.
Oh.
A.
B.
, A.
B.
, hey, hey, hey.
Wake up.
What's going on with you? Hey.
Sorry.
Tired.
Up all night.
Yes, I get it, new boyfriend, amazing sex.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, No, that's not it, it's.
Nope, I take it back, that's exactly it.
How did I get so lucky to wind up with an A-plus boyfriend? You know, a lesser-evolved friend might just punch you right now.
You don't think he's too good to be true? No.
I think that your imagination could be better spent helping me get photographs of a wedding in Fancie's up on a Web site by this weekend so I can convince Melanie LaRue to have her wedding there.
What about staging a wedding? We, at this table, do have experience in the dark arts of relationship fakery.
No, that won't work.
Melanie LaRue will see right through that and it'll blow up in my face.
I need photographs that capture authentic emotions.
Problem is-is, I don't know anyone that's getting married.
What about, uh, Brando Wilkes marrying Joel's grandma? What Seriously? When? I don't know.
Sometime next month.
Wade.
Sweetheart.
Former business partner and once-upon-a-time fake boyfriend? Will you please do me a favor and Convince two people I barely know to move their wedding to four days from now in a town where neither of them lives so you can get photos for your restaurant? Yes.
Yeah, I think I'll pass.
Excuse me, can you point me towards the owner? A Wade Kinsella? Well, take one step this way, you're looking right at him.
Robin Gilmartin.
I read about you online and I have a proposition for you.
Is there a time we could talk? Well, I'd be crazy to turn down a proposition from a pretty lady in a red dress.
Ladies.
This way.
So.
Brando Wilkes.
Mm-hmm.
Now pinch the peel, apply just enough pressure to get the needle through, and push.
Like that? Boom.
There's one orange that's not gonna be getting the flu this season.
That is so cool.
I can't wait to try it on a person.
Well, we Guess who's home.
Magnolia? What a nice surprise.
Uh-oh.
Now, I didn't miss a call from the dean, did I? Grandma invited me home for the weekend.
Oh.
Something about wanting us to be together as a family.
Hi, Magnolia.
We all miss you.
Oh, is your little pretend orange friend sick? No.
I'm shadowing your father because I want to be a doctor.
Wow.
Awesome.
That doesn't sound like a loser thing to do at all.
Dad, you have to see pictures of my new dorm.
It's totally retro.
The whole ceiling is Spice Girls.
Sweetie, I want to hear about all that at dinner.
But I'm right in the middle here.
I promised Rose I'd show her some X rays.
Seriously? Sergeant Jeffries' kidney stones.
A-And, technically, they are called calcium deposits.
And these are as big as marbles.
You-You got to see 'em.
Take a look at this, come here.
Wow.
Gosh.
Okay.
Lamb chops are on the grill, dessert is in the oven and what kind of Scotch are you serving? Oh.
Say hello to my little friend.
The Glencallan 62 single malt.
Yeah.
Only 12 bottles of this ever made.
Yup, or as I like to call it, the, uh, "Sure, I'll change the sign if I can have another glass" Scotch.
All right.
Comptroller Riley.
Oh, you remember town attorney George Tucker.
Hi.
I-I'm so glad you could make it on such short notice.
Oh, oh, I-I hope you don't mind, I brought a plus one.
Uh, the more the merrier.
Gainey? Yeah, I brought you a giant cheese wheel.
It stinks.
Oh, it does, a little.
Uh, turns out, Mayor Gainey also called to discuss exit signage tonight.
It's a rare occasion I find a babysitter for my kids, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one meal.
I I hope it's not a problem? Yeah, I'd hate to be an inconvenience.
Uh, is that the Glencallan single malt, right there? Purely decorative.
Not for you.
I don't understand why all this is necessary.
I am who I am.
Of course you are.
There's just a little too much of you on the back of your neck, your sideburns, coming out of your ears.
I You know, I have heard that Mae, while not a picky person, prefers a close cut.
More hygienic.
All right, then.
Let 'er rip.
Ooh.
Blue would bring out your eyes, but white would highlight your smile.
Your pick.
In addition to dancing, she is also interested in climate change and Jennifer Weiner novels.
And, as luck would have it Her new book comes out today, and Mae is in there right now.
So, we're doing this, huh? Start with your name, firm handshake, and invite her to dinner.
Well, what if she says no? Earl.
Are you having dinner with her at the moment? Right.
Nothing to lose.
Uh-uh.
I'm Earl Kinsella and I've got a lot to offer.
Well, of course I love Fancie's.
I mean, both times I've been there, I didn't have to send anything back.
Waiter, I'll have what she's having.
Harry Met Sally.
Huh? Ah.
Great, well, then it's settled.
What? No.
No, nothing's settled.
I can offer you a 70% friends and family discount if you get married this weekend.
We-We just got engaged.
You want me to tell Sylvie we're getting married in four days? No offense, but you're not getting any younger.
Think about it.
Something you need? A glass of champagne, barkeep.
I'm celebrating.
What am I celebrating, you might ask? No, I most certainly won't.
The fact that I stuck to my guns and helped another lonely person find love.
Oh.
Yep, as we speak, your father is sitting down to dinner with the lovely Mae Ellen Waterloo.
That Mae Ellen Waterloo? Sorry to interrupt, but you haven't heard from your father, have you? He was supposed to pick me up an hour ago and, well, I can't seem to track him down.
You don't say.
Oh, come on.
Hey, did you still want that glass of champagne, Doc? Brando? Lemon Breeland.
Not trying to pressure you, but let Sylvie know I have a great chuppa guy and Holy homegrown tomatoes.
Davis Polk.
- Lemon? - AnnaBeth said that you were too good to be true and she was right.
I can't believe that you're Buying a ring? Thi-This is Eliza, my jewelry broker.
Oh, my God.
You're proposing? I'm so, so, so, so sorry.
I really like the one on the left.
I am so, so sorry.
It's okay, this actually happens more often than you'd think.
Gi-Give us just a minute.
Um A-AnnaBeth's not with you, is she? She's supposed to be at book club.
No, Davis, you are crafty.
I-I know this seems quick, but I also know I'm in love, and if AnnaBeth feels the same, then Carpe diem.
Oh.
That is so romantic.
Well, how are you gonna do it? I'm gonna make a special dessert, and bake the ring into the cake and, um What? Ew.
No, no, no, no, no.
No-no ring in the cake.
Cliché.
So boring.
A.
B.
is my best friend, okay? She deserves something magical, something befitting of your relationship.
Well, like what? Well You know, just off the top of my head, what if we were to turn the dining room at Fancie's into the romantic backdrop of A.
B.
's dreams? And you know what? For no charge whatsoever, I'll even take pictures.
You know, maybe I should check the Butterstick in case Earl got confused.
He was a little nervous.
Zoe.
Even Mae went home.
All right? You're the only person who doesn't understand he ain't coming.
No, of course he is.
Look, I can get Mae back.
Will you just try calling him again? I already did, all right? He didn't answer.
I just don't get it.
Really? Because I'm pretty sure I explained it to you.
Couple of times.
Well, he was serious about this.
Look, he's changed.
You didn't see him today.
He was so excited.
I'm sure he was.
But excited turns to nervous, nervous turns to drunk.
It's the Earl Kinsella circle of life.
Now, if somebody hadn't gotten him excited about something in the first place You are not suggesting that I Can't help hijacking people's lives? He came to me.
And asked for advice.
I am a love maker.
Maybe you should say it a little bit louder, 'cause I'm not sure if the people on table five have actually fully lost their appetites yet.
Look, aren't you just a little worried that something may have happened? Like what? Abducted by aliens? Eaten by an alligator? Zoe, he's sleeping it off on a park bench.
If you want, I'll give you a list of his top ten favorites.
You're wrong.
And I'm going to find him.
Knock yourself out.
Seriously, you're not coming? I got a business to run.
Good luck, Sparky.
Now, this will be Lemon's seat.
But that's where I sit.
Not tonight.
I want Lemon's back against the wall.
Now, you remember your part, right? I'm to elegantly find a way to remind Lemon of the Disney movies that we used to love where the princess got married and the witch was a lonely old lady who never settled down because she refused to go on the debutante cruise and she got uglier until she died alone.
Mm-hmm.
I expect to be paid in cash.
They should be here by now.
Your sister's trying to duck me.
And Daddy texted he's working late.
When I'm home for the weekend.
Unbelievable.
I want you to go down to Fancie's and collect Lemon.
'Cause I'm gonna confront her with the cold, hard truth of her spinsterhood.
Fine, but I'm making one stop first.
Hmm.
The sign should go BlueBell, Hayes, what you're suggesting makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Fairhope, Fillmore.
It's called alphabetical order.
Oh, the alphabetical order card.
The hobgoblin of small minds.
It's a fact! "B" comes before "F.
" Always has, always will.
Can we be practical? Who's getting off the freeway for BlueBell anyway? Y'all having another one of them Hug Festivals? A come-see- the-town- that-didn't-get- the-county-fair-palooza? Okay.
Comptroller Riley what are your thoughts here? I never did care for nuts in my salad.
But-but this dressing, what is it? Herb vinaigrette.
Oh.
What about the sign? BlueBell deserves top billing.
We are an historical landmark Because of a commode.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I think what Comptroller Riley is trying to say here is that he's heard enough.
We're gonna settle this the same way I settle disputes at home.
A little competition.
What kind of competition? Frankly, I'd like to see you two duel it out with pistols at dawn.
Okay, well, how about something from this century? With a little less guns and death.
I did see a Ping-Pong table in the other room.
Best of five? Winner gets top billing on the sign.
Done.
Game on.
Someone crack that bottle of Scotch and point me towards a couch.
Hey, Robin, uh, Wade Kinsella here.
Listen, I read your proposal-- a couple times, actually-- and, uh, I am most definitely interested.
Call me back.
What? A bunch of us have bets on who she is.
This mystery girl who spun your head earlier.
Sal says mail-order bride, Frank says undercover cop trying to pull you into a sting, and I'm going with either foreign diplomat or Pilates guru.
So? So y'all need to get some hobbies.
Howdy, everyone.
How y'all doing tonight? You're letting Lily Anne sing here? She promised she wasn't gonna sing about me.
I'm gonna open up with a dedication to a very special guy, a man that I am just crazy about.
Did you get that in writing? We met in BlueBell You sang like a dove I fell under your spell And now we're in love You're smart and you're sweet Charming and hunky That's why you will always be My love monkey My Love monkey.
Thank you, darlin'.
Stand up, my little love monkey.
I am her love monkey.
Her primate of passion.
This is Meatball, and we're getting married, y'all.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Meatball and Lily Anne? Anything's possible, right? Why do people keep saying that? 'Cause it's true, dummy.
Look.
Ew.
Earl! Where are you? Oh, Earl.
Can anyone hear me?! Anyone! I'm out here! Earl? Zoe?! Back here! I'm stuck! Where? My booby trap! Your what? Just follow my voice! What? Where? Where are you talking Holy crap.
Earl, what the hell? Did I miss my date? How did this happen? Well, a couple years ago, I went through a survivalist phase and I bought a manual and built a booby trap.
No, how did you wind up in it? Same way you did.
Were you drinking? Almost.
Truth is, after Mae agreed to have dinner with me, all this pressure hit me like a tsunami.
I could barely breathe.
So I picked up a bottle, brought it home.
But before I took a drink, I remembered what you said.
How I have a lot to offer.
How I didn't want to mess that up.
Well, good for you.
So I poured it out, took a walk to clear my head and, bam, fell down a hole, stone-cold sober.
That's a first.
I don't have a signal.
You know, maybe if-if you give me a boost, I can pull myself out of here.
Uh, I wish I could.
I think I sprained my ankle on the way down.
I'm having trouble standing up.
What? When I asked you, you said you were okay.
I thought you meant emotionally.
Let me see your foot.
I must say, I've never been so disappointed by something so predictable.
I thought you had a business to run.
Well, you had me convinced that he wasn't drunk and lying in a ditch, so I had to see for myself.
You would call this a ditch, right? It's a booby trap.
Also, not drunk.
How does it feel to be wrong? How do you still manage to sound high on your horse when you're stuck in a damn hole? Are you gonna get us out of here? There's a ladder in the shed.
Of course there is.
'Cause you're prepared for moments like these.
He really can be a jackass sometimes, can't he? Sometimes? Come on.
Let's get that shoe off.
Wait, what do you mean that you booked Crickett and Stanley in Fancie's? Oh, it turns out they want to renew their vows.
A big photogenic event.
It just seemed perfect, considering that's what you needed Yeah, well, it would've been had I not convinced Brando Wilkes to have his wedding at Fancie's this weekend.
Well, that seemed like such a long shot.
Uh, my powers of persuasion have not yet begun to fade.
There's one teeny-tiny other thing.
Meatball? That's the teeny-tiny other thing.
Hello.
Lemon.
Meatball.
I'm getting married! A.
B.
told me Hello.
about your friends and family discount.
I'm assuming former lovers qualify.
Booyah! It helps if your paddle actually makes contact with the ball, Hayes.
Going with the old Belarusian backspin, are you? Uh-huh.
That's how you want to play? No better way to neutralize your Jorgen Persson push.
Okay, don't let him get in your head, Lavon.
I'm pretty sure he made that last term up.
You know the worst thing about being comptroller? No one knows how to pronounce it.
Is it comptroller? Controller? And the jokes.
"Try to comptrol yourself.
" That never gets old.
Scotch me.
Not bad.
A bit too relaxed for someone down two points.
Uh-huh.
Maybe 'cause I know something you don't.
I ain't left-handed.
Hey, what do you know.
Hate to break it to you, but the same goes for me, only the opposite.
With the other hand.
What? I, too, have been playing with a hand that is not my left.
Or my right.
I mean, the one I'm not as good with.
What are you talking about, man? Quit confusing me with your words.
All right, Single White Female, what have you done with my dad? Hmm, let me guess.
He's planning your college tour? Buying you a new car? A nice convertible? Um, no.
He's in the basement, getting X rays from storage.
He's gonna show me the difference between pneumonia and pulmonary edema.
Seriously? He hasn't shown me any of those.
I love Pulmonary Edema.
I watched them perform live at Coachella.
No.
O-Okay.
Pulmonary edema is a lung disease.
And I imagine Dr.
Breeland never showed them to you because you've never shown an interest in respiratory ailments.
Oh, really? Well, here's a thought.
Why don't we have Dr.
Breeland show you how to remove a pencil from your ear, because if you keep talking to me in that tone, there's a 90% chance that that's gonna happen.
Earl, your foot's really swollen.
What's going on here? Hey, so if it turns out I only have the strength to save one of y'all, you gonna flip a coin or what? Save Zoe first.
Then maybe she'll start liking you again.
Hmm.
Though I don't know why she would.
Aah! Oh, crap.
What is it? What's the matter with him? Stay with me, Earl.
It's a dislocated spiral fracture above his ankle.
There's no circulation.
Is he okay? Call 911 and then get down here and help me or he's gonna lose his foot.
He's still out.
Well, his vitals are still strong.
It's the best thing for him.
It's a bad break.
The angle is pinching an artery and it's stopping blood flow to his foot.
We're gonna need opposing traction.
Smaller words, Doc.
Okay.
But you're not gonna like 'em.
We need to hold opposite ends of his leg and pull.
Like tug-of-war.
And if we're lucky, the bone will pop back into place.
It's field medicine.
It's as grisly as it sounds.
Here.
Give me your hand.
Pull here.
Okay? He picked a hell of a day to stop drinking.
We can do this, but we have to do it right now.
Got you.
Wade, you're stronger than me Why, thank you.
It's not a compliment.
You're stronger than me, so you can't pull harder than me or we could cause more damage.
Ready? On three.
One, two, three.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
What now? That's great! You did great! Okay, uh, hand me that newspaper.
I'm gonna splint it.
You go up to the street and find the ambulance.
It's gonna be okay.
Wade, go.
He's gonna be okay.
I promise.
Be back.
You'd better be okay.
I promised him.
I stopped to pick up some dinner.
Hope you like Unbelievable.
What is going on here? Where's Your brand-new perfect daughter? The one that you replaced me with? Oh, Magnolia, you haven't been replaced.
What would you call it, Dad? You banish me to live with that grand-monster, then boarding school, blowing off family dinner cause you finally found the daughter of your dreams.
Someone who wants to be a doctor, who likes books and has no interest in hair products.
Yay for you, Dad.
Now, come on.
That is not what is going on here.
A-And, yes, it was nice that someone paid some interest in my life's work, but You know what? Your life's work is stupid.
Hey.
You could find better medical care on the Internet.
Good-bye.
N Magnolia Is she gone? I'm sorry.
I You know Magnolia.
She's always thinking she got the short end of the stick.
True, but on the other hand, she is only home for a night, and her dad is still at work looking at old X rays, rather than having dinner with her, so maybe this time Wow! The room looks perfect.
Well, everything was designed to be the most memorable moment of A.
B.
's life.
Well, anything else I need to know? Nope.
Just be on time, act natural, and don't look at the camera.
I need to capture authentic emotions.
All right, we'll see you in a half hour.
I just had a brainstorm about my wedding, and I had to share it.
You know what the main course has to be? Uh, meatballs? Meatballs! Exactly! Wow.
It's like you are in my brain.
Wedding of the century, Lemon.
Later! Aah! Are we not answering our phone these days? Sorry, Grandma.
I'm busy.
Where's your sister? Magnolia's in town? Oh, we have almost no time to get your hair done, pick out a wardrobe, and tone your arms if you expect to get on that ship in four days.
Well, in four days, these flabby arms and untamed hair will be hosting three wedding-type events right here, and that's not including AnnaBeth's surprise engagement.
So AnnaBeth? Well, doesn't it give you pause to know that AnnaBeth, your good friend, is embarking on her second marriage when your first isn't even in sight? No pause, Grandma.
No pause at all! Oh! And did I hear right? Meatball, your very, very secret shame, is also marrying? Still no pause! Oh, Lemon, what is wrong with you? Why can't you get out of your own way? Don't you want a relationship? Sugar, there's a big hole in your life, and you can try to fill it up with busywork and this restaurant and all the candles in this state Give me back that candle! Aah! I'm not going on that cruise, and I am not saying it again.
Oh! All right, two games all.
Match point.
I know it's match point.
There's been, like, You don't have to say match point every time it's match point.
Now, do I say match point whenever it's my match point? Got to win by two.
I know! I feel like we've been here for a week.
I'm gonna need to sell a kidney just to pay the babysitter.
Oh! Game! No, no! Set.
No! Match! Yeah.
Ooh.
Looks like we have our answer.
Oh, it's gonna be one hell of a sign.
Oh, Lavon.
Look, I don't like it, but he won fair and square.
Good game, Gainey.
Yeah.
Good game, Gainey.
I feel like I should shake your hand, too.
Well, nice to know y'all can be such gracious Uh, what's that word? Oh, yeah.
Losers.
Hey, mind if I have my hand back? Not quite yet.
Am I seeing things, gentlemen, or is there red paint under Mayor Gainey's fingernails here? Paint that happens to match the red paint up on his wrist.
Virtually identical to the red spray paint that was used to deface the highway sign this very morning.
Yeah, well, I tell you.
I don't know what what you're implying here.
I don't think I was being particularly subtle.
I think he's implying that you yourself graffitied up that sign just so you'd have an excuse to get a new one and put Fillmore on top.
What? These outrageous accusations! Well, I mean, we could just subpoena the security cam footage from the rest area across the street, you know, just to be sure.
Mayor Gainey! I just love my town so much.
I, for one, am outraged! Which is kind of a new feeling for me.
Uh, Mayor Hayes, you have top billing.
Mayor Gainey, drive me home.
Security camera in the rest area? Ah, there's not even a rest area.
They say you're gonna be all right.
We got to it in time.
You hear that, Dad? You get to keep your foot, thanks to this one.
You did okay, too.
You know, it's kind of a shame.
I had a nice peg leg picked out for you, too.
I'm sorry I dragged y'all out here.
I'm an idiot.
What's the point of getting sober when you just fall in your own booby trap? You really go four weeks without a drink for a girl? Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
I'm too old to be making a fool out of myself for love.
Not at all.
Zoe's right.
Anything's possible.
All right, forward just a few more steps.
Davis, where are we? Just a little bit more.
Okay.
Oh.
Right there.
Oh! All right, now, sit back real slow.
Oh, I don't like this game.
Okay.
Oh, my Lord.
Oh.
AnnaBeth Nass Oh, my God.
girl of my dreams Never the bride.
Grandma, hush.
will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I know.
I'm excited, too.
It's an inferno! Oh! My restaurant.
- My hair! - AnnaBeth? Yes? What do you say? I say Let's get out of this rain.
Oh, shoot! How's your daughter, the doctor? Magnolia.
I'm sorry I'm not into medical things, okay? You don't have to be sorry.
Good, because I'm not.
You were right.
I was enjoying showing Rose what I do.
We have things in common, and-and she was She was easier to talk to than me.
No.
No.
Maybe not as loud, but You know, I just I think you're loud sometimes because I wasn't listening hard enough.
It happens, I guess.
Well, it doesn't have to, which is why we are taking a two-week vacation, an adventure.
Just us.
No cell phones, no computers, no mobile devices What? No.
Yeah, and you can pick the destination.
Now I'm interested.
Can we go to Las Vegas? No.
Amsterdam? Uh Uh, yeah.
Lemon.
Lemon, is everything? What? A fire? At Fancie's? It wasn't me.
I was here all night.
Was supposed to have three events here in the next week.
Now it's not gonna be dry enough to have a pool party.
I told you your life was going up in flames.
Seems like I had the right principle, but the wrong natural disaster.
Lemon, are you okay? Daddy.
No.
Oh, baby, it's gonna be okay.
Don't sugarcoat it for her, Bertram.
It is not! Mother, I know all of these firemen by name, and I can have them remove you from the premises.
You still owe me 50 bucks.
Oh! Hey.
Hey.
How's everything? Oh, I just got back from the hospital.
He's stable, already complaining about the food.
But, uh, they're going to let him out in a day or two.
That's great.
I am so relieved.
Listen, I I just wanted to thank you.
You were right about pretty much everything.
He's okay because of you.
Well, I also got him into this mess.
Zoe.
Okay, fine.
We can stick with I was right.
I mean, I'm okay with that.
I can live with that.
But Hey, so Brando and Sylvie's wedding.
Oh, my God.
No, if you want to-- and no pressure at all-- I would be willing to do that reading with you, only because it is so important to them.
No, no, you're right.
Oh, my God, it's still such a bad idea.
No.
It's not.
I would like to do that reading.
If I was going to the wedding, but, uh, I'm not.
Because Vivian might be there? No.
Uh it's work, actually.
It's kind of a crazy thing happened this morning.
This-this investor lady came in, and, uh, she read about the Rammer Jammer.
She wants to franchise it.
Open up another location, maybe more.
Are you kidding? Wade, that's amazing! Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Listen, I was gonna I was gonna tell you, but then Earl and Oh, yeah.
Anyway, uh, I'm not gonna be at the wedding, 'cause I'm gonna be down in Atlanta.
That's where the next Rammer Jammer's going to be.
So you're moving? For how long? I don't know.
I am so happy for you.
Congratulations.
Good night, Doc.
Good night.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go convince him to review Fancie's.
Whoa.
This guy can do so much for restaurants, maybe I want him reviewing the Rammer Jammer.
I never do two reviews in one town, but there's a first time for everything.
Double Five Fork review.
Oh, Davis, how come you are so wonderful? And you forgot handsome and charming.
Didn't realize y'all were so serious.
We are.
Wade, I know that you feel like I let you down, but no matter what either one of us did, Charles and Vivian Look, Zoe, I get you were only trying to help, but it's probably better that I don't interact with you.
Knock, knock, knock.
And hello! Brando! Hey, what-what are you doing here, and so early? I had to come see you because you are responsible for the very best thing in my world.
I'm getting married! Sylvie Stephens said yes! Oh, my God, that's amazing! Never forget, you are the reason this happened.
You, Zoe Hart, are a love maker.
I am.
I should put that on a business card.
Know what else you should put on a business card? Your address.
And then you should memorize it so I don't keep getting your crap delivered to my house.
Wade, I was coming to see you next.
I just heard the good news, Brando.
Congrats.
She's a lucky lady.
Uh, that is not my crap, okay? My name isn't even on the box.
You are the only person in this state who orders quilts by the box.
When the seasons change.
And I already have my duvet for this season.
I-I'm gonna go.
The wedding will be in the next month or so.
Oh, also, Sylvie would love it if the two of you would give a reading together.
There's a Shel Silverstein poem Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Absolutely not.
I'm hearing you say you'll think about it.
I can't tell you how happy I am to share this.
Oh, wow.
What can I say? Sylvie turned me into a hugger.
Oh, nice.
So long.
Okay.
Look what I made happen.
Hmm.
Hey! You know, that's not mine.
I'm not returning your stupid box, Wade! Hmm.
Zoe Hart, Love Maker.
Nice.
Well, I've got nothing before 9:00.
Well, I'm sorry.
Blame Walter Wallen.
But I promise, it'll be worth it.
You're welcome! I say you're welcome because you're gonna thank me as soon as you hang up.
Hang up.
Grandma, what are you doing here? I did it.
I pulled every string, and I booked you on the Belles and Bachelors Cruise.
Oh, no.
The S.
S.
Desperation? That's what we used to call it.
When you were younger and had all your options.
Now you'd better call it your last best chance to find your perfect Southern fiancé.
So, you want to put me out to sea for a month with a bunch of Titanic-worshipping losers? It is a luxury liner with a very exclusive passenger list, most of whom disembark engaged.
It's Noah's Ark in reverse.
You leave in four days.
Uh, no, I don't.
If you want to go get norovirus on the Love Boat, you go.
I'm very busy here.
I have a very popular restaurant to run.
Well, there isn't anybody here.
That's because we're not open yet! Hmm.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with Melanie LaRue, Southern Alabama's most influential socialite, and she just might want to be throwing her wedding here.
Well why don't you ask her where she met her fiancé? I've got an Andrew Jackson says she met him on the boat.
Oh! Magnolia? It's your grandmother.
I need your help, and I'm willing to pay.
No, no, and no, I am not interested in having some unqualified following me around.
Unqualified? I will have you know, I have seen every episode of House, most of them twice.
And many, many times I figured out what was wrong with those people before House did.
Hey.
What's going on? I, Rose Hattenbarger, have decided I might want to be a doctor, so I want to shadow one for a few days.
No way! That is so cool! Shadow me! Yes, do that! No! Well, no offense, but you're not tough and curmudgeonly enough to be a mentor.
I need Dr.
Breeland to be the short-tempered Meryl Streep to my wide-eyed Anne Hathaway, so that I will eventually win his respect.
Your respect's not that hard to win.
Ouch.
I think.
Oh.
Crazy Earl's waiting for you.
Earl? Is he lost? Says he's here for a physical.
- That's a first.
- No! - The answer is still - Bertram? I am taking you to lunch.
We must talk about Lemon.
Oh, Mother, uh, well, you know I would love to, but, uh, actually, I am spending the entire day being a mentor to the next generation of physicians.
Yes.
The most important work there is.
Well, then, later at family dinner.
Amazing! Let the healing begin.
And the healing begins with you making coffee.
Uh, sure, Burt Reynolds ate the pool table.
But where most men see a problem, I saw an opportunity.
A Ping-Pong table.
Why not? So, when you called me this morning, said, "Hey, why don't you come over for breakfast?" Oh, we're gonna have breakfast.
After we set up your toy.
Oh! It's not a toy.
This is a piece of professional athletic equipment.
Well, then, maybe you should have hired some professionals to put it together for you instead of trying to trick your friend into doing it for free.
I'm paying you in pancakes.
Uh-huh.
Code Red, Mayor Hayes! Our perimeter has been compromised! Frank, is that the freeway sign? It's a crime wave.
I say, we find the little bastards that did this and string 'em up by their painty red hands.
Know what I'm looking at, George? A cautionary tale on vigilante justice? Another opportunity.
Look, look, here's what I always hated about this sign.
They put BlueBell last, man.
That's right.
That is primo, Grade-A BS.
Yeah, and the state's gonna have to make the new sign, anyway.
Let's get the comptroller to put our name first this time.
That's a great idea.
You want me to give 'em a call, set up a meeting? Oh, better.
No, invite him to dinner tonight, my place.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know them city officials-- they never get out.
That's right.
That's a great idea.
We'll bring him out, schmooze him a little bit, show him a couple of Super Bowl rings, and, boom, new sign.
I will call him right now.
All right.
What should I do? Oh, help me put together this Ping-Pong table.
I'll get you some pancakes.
Oh! And breathe out.
Lungs sound good.
Feel good, too.
None of that raspiness, no more coughing.
Oh, yeah? What changed? I want to live my life with more intention.
You know, be present.
Mm-hmm.
Also, I quit drinking.
What?! I'm sorry.
Did you just say? Yup.
Four weeks, two days without a drop.
Earl, that is great.
What inspired this? Oh.
What inspires anyone to do anything, really? I just wanted to be my best self in case my best self was called for.
Oh, my God.
Earl, you're in love.
Damn, Doc, you're good.
Well, turns out-- and I was reminded of that this morning-- it's kind of my specialty.
I'm so happy for you.
Well, don't be too happy.
I'm pretty sure Mae Ellen doesn't even know I exist.
Mae Ellen Waterloo, the health inspector? Yeah.
Doc, I'm feeling things I didn't think I'd ever feel again.
And, no, this time, it's not gas.
That is so romantic.
Have you told her? I haven't spoken to her yet.
I'm working up to it, getting in shape.
One day I will.
I tell myself anything is possible.
Earl you are right.
And I'm glad you came to me, 'cause I know how to help you.
Because, yes, anything is possible.
Ms.
LaRue, you already know how Mr.
Wallen feels about our food.
Our room may not be the biggest that you are looking at, but, I assure you, you will find an intimacy here that you will not find elsewhere.
Well, there are going to be a lot of eyes on this wedding.
Do you think Fancie's is ready to play on that stage? Melanie's worried about you more than herself.
She wants to make sure you're ready to swim in the deep end.
Oh, I assure you, we are ready.
Well, I admit, I'm intrigued.
Now, I went to your Web site hoping to see photos of weddings you've held here, but I couldn't find your Web site.
Melanie's concerned that your lack of Web presence might indicate a certain professional naiveté.
Well, about that There was a candy store called Fancie's.
And also, what looked to be an upscale escort service.
Well, honestly, after the review, all of that traffic just crashed our site.
But it will be back up within the week.
Well, I presume there will be photos of weddings you've held here? You know it.
Melanie just wants to ensure that your I get it.
There will be photos.
Lots and lots of photos.
Mm.
You know, by law, I'm allowed to kick you out of this bar.
Well, did you even hear what I said?! Yeah, Earl quit drinking.
Happens five times a week.
Good-bye.
No.
This is different, Wade.
He is in love.
He even cleaned himself up for a woman he hasn't even talked to yet.
Why are you telling me? Isn't there something called doctor-patient confidentiality or, as I like to call it, leaving me the hell alone? Because however you are feeling about me, he's your dad, and he needs our help-- both of us.
As we saw this morning, I have a gift for putting people together.
And as Alabama's foremost ladies' man, you can give him some pointers.
Zoe, if you think any of this is gonna happen, you've clearly been drinking.
The last thing Earl needs is a date.
Well, how can you say that? Decades of research.
Last time Earl asked a girl out, it was a five-alarm disaster.
He showed up drunk, in his underwear in the wrong town.
The humiliation sent him into a lost weekend that lasted a week.
He is ready to be in love.
Okay, he wants this so badly, and you and me-- we can help him.
See, that's the thing, Zoe.
You and me-- we don't do things together.
You know, you're an even crappier son than you are a neighbor.
Mm-hmm.
Fine.
If you won't help him, I will.
You want to know why? I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
Because anything is possible, Wade.
Anything.
Yeah, see, that's where I disagree.
Not anything.
Oh.
A.
B.
, A.
B.
, hey, hey, hey.
Wake up.
What's going on with you? Hey.
Sorry.
Tired.
Up all night.
Yes, I get it, new boyfriend, amazing sex.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, No, that's not it, it's.
Nope, I take it back, that's exactly it.
How did I get so lucky to wind up with an A-plus boyfriend? You know, a lesser-evolved friend might just punch you right now.
You don't think he's too good to be true? No.
I think that your imagination could be better spent helping me get photographs of a wedding in Fancie's up on a Web site by this weekend so I can convince Melanie LaRue to have her wedding there.
What about staging a wedding? We, at this table, do have experience in the dark arts of relationship fakery.
No, that won't work.
Melanie LaRue will see right through that and it'll blow up in my face.
I need photographs that capture authentic emotions.
Problem is-is, I don't know anyone that's getting married.
What about, uh, Brando Wilkes marrying Joel's grandma? What Seriously? When? I don't know.
Sometime next month.
Wade.
Sweetheart.
Former business partner and once-upon-a-time fake boyfriend? Will you please do me a favor and Convince two people I barely know to move their wedding to four days from now in a town where neither of them lives so you can get photos for your restaurant? Yes.
Yeah, I think I'll pass.
Excuse me, can you point me towards the owner? A Wade Kinsella? Well, take one step this way, you're looking right at him.
Robin Gilmartin.
I read about you online and I have a proposition for you.
Is there a time we could talk? Well, I'd be crazy to turn down a proposition from a pretty lady in a red dress.
Ladies.
This way.
So.
Brando Wilkes.
Mm-hmm.
Now pinch the peel, apply just enough pressure to get the needle through, and push.
Like that? Boom.
There's one orange that's not gonna be getting the flu this season.
That is so cool.
I can't wait to try it on a person.
Well, we Guess who's home.
Magnolia? What a nice surprise.
Uh-oh.
Now, I didn't miss a call from the dean, did I? Grandma invited me home for the weekend.
Oh.
Something about wanting us to be together as a family.
Hi, Magnolia.
We all miss you.
Oh, is your little pretend orange friend sick? No.
I'm shadowing your father because I want to be a doctor.
Wow.
Awesome.
That doesn't sound like a loser thing to do at all.
Dad, you have to see pictures of my new dorm.
It's totally retro.
The whole ceiling is Spice Girls.
Sweetie, I want to hear about all that at dinner.
But I'm right in the middle here.
I promised Rose I'd show her some X rays.
Seriously? Sergeant Jeffries' kidney stones.
A-And, technically, they are called calcium deposits.
And these are as big as marbles.
You-You got to see 'em.
Take a look at this, come here.
Wow.
Gosh.
Okay.
Lamb chops are on the grill, dessert is in the oven and what kind of Scotch are you serving? Oh.
Say hello to my little friend.
The Glencallan 62 single malt.
Yeah.
Only 12 bottles of this ever made.
Yup, or as I like to call it, the, uh, "Sure, I'll change the sign if I can have another glass" Scotch.
All right.
Comptroller Riley.
Oh, you remember town attorney George Tucker.
Hi.
I-I'm so glad you could make it on such short notice.
Oh, oh, I-I hope you don't mind, I brought a plus one.
Uh, the more the merrier.
Gainey? Yeah, I brought you a giant cheese wheel.
It stinks.
Oh, it does, a little.
Uh, turns out, Mayor Gainey also called to discuss exit signage tonight.
It's a rare occasion I find a babysitter for my kids, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one meal.
I I hope it's not a problem? Yeah, I'd hate to be an inconvenience.
Uh, is that the Glencallan single malt, right there? Purely decorative.
Not for you.
I don't understand why all this is necessary.
I am who I am.
Of course you are.
There's just a little too much of you on the back of your neck, your sideburns, coming out of your ears.
I You know, I have heard that Mae, while not a picky person, prefers a close cut.
More hygienic.
All right, then.
Let 'er rip.
Ooh.
Blue would bring out your eyes, but white would highlight your smile.
Your pick.
In addition to dancing, she is also interested in climate change and Jennifer Weiner novels.
And, as luck would have it Her new book comes out today, and Mae is in there right now.
So, we're doing this, huh? Start with your name, firm handshake, and invite her to dinner.
Well, what if she says no? Earl.
Are you having dinner with her at the moment? Right.
Nothing to lose.
Uh-uh.
I'm Earl Kinsella and I've got a lot to offer.
Well, of course I love Fancie's.
I mean, both times I've been there, I didn't have to send anything back.
Waiter, I'll have what she's having.
Harry Met Sally.
Huh? Ah.
Great, well, then it's settled.
What? No.
No, nothing's settled.
I can offer you a 70% friends and family discount if you get married this weekend.
We-We just got engaged.
You want me to tell Sylvie we're getting married in four days? No offense, but you're not getting any younger.
Think about it.
Something you need? A glass of champagne, barkeep.
I'm celebrating.
What am I celebrating, you might ask? No, I most certainly won't.
The fact that I stuck to my guns and helped another lonely person find love.
Oh.
Yep, as we speak, your father is sitting down to dinner with the lovely Mae Ellen Waterloo.
That Mae Ellen Waterloo? Sorry to interrupt, but you haven't heard from your father, have you? He was supposed to pick me up an hour ago and, well, I can't seem to track him down.
You don't say.
Oh, come on.
Hey, did you still want that glass of champagne, Doc? Brando? Lemon Breeland.
Not trying to pressure you, but let Sylvie know I have a great chuppa guy and Holy homegrown tomatoes.
Davis Polk.
- Lemon? - AnnaBeth said that you were too good to be true and she was right.
I can't believe that you're Buying a ring? Thi-This is Eliza, my jewelry broker.
Oh, my God.
You're proposing? I'm so, so, so, so sorry.
I really like the one on the left.
I am so, so sorry.
It's okay, this actually happens more often than you'd think.
Gi-Give us just a minute.
Um A-AnnaBeth's not with you, is she? She's supposed to be at book club.
No, Davis, you are crafty.
I-I know this seems quick, but I also know I'm in love, and if AnnaBeth feels the same, then Carpe diem.
Oh.
That is so romantic.
Well, how are you gonna do it? I'm gonna make a special dessert, and bake the ring into the cake and, um What? Ew.
No, no, no, no, no.
No-no ring in the cake.
Cliché.
So boring.
A.
B.
is my best friend, okay? She deserves something magical, something befitting of your relationship.
Well, like what? Well You know, just off the top of my head, what if we were to turn the dining room at Fancie's into the romantic backdrop of A.
B.
's dreams? And you know what? For no charge whatsoever, I'll even take pictures.
You know, maybe I should check the Butterstick in case Earl got confused.
He was a little nervous.
Zoe.
Even Mae went home.
All right? You're the only person who doesn't understand he ain't coming.
No, of course he is.
Look, I can get Mae back.
Will you just try calling him again? I already did, all right? He didn't answer.
I just don't get it.
Really? Because I'm pretty sure I explained it to you.
Couple of times.
Well, he was serious about this.
Look, he's changed.
You didn't see him today.
He was so excited.
I'm sure he was.
But excited turns to nervous, nervous turns to drunk.
It's the Earl Kinsella circle of life.
Now, if somebody hadn't gotten him excited about something in the first place You are not suggesting that I Can't help hijacking people's lives? He came to me.
And asked for advice.
I am a love maker.
Maybe you should say it a little bit louder, 'cause I'm not sure if the people on table five have actually fully lost their appetites yet.
Look, aren't you just a little worried that something may have happened? Like what? Abducted by aliens? Eaten by an alligator? Zoe, he's sleeping it off on a park bench.
If you want, I'll give you a list of his top ten favorites.
You're wrong.
And I'm going to find him.
Knock yourself out.
Seriously, you're not coming? I got a business to run.
Good luck, Sparky.
Now, this will be Lemon's seat.
But that's where I sit.
Not tonight.
I want Lemon's back against the wall.
Now, you remember your part, right? I'm to elegantly find a way to remind Lemon of the Disney movies that we used to love where the princess got married and the witch was a lonely old lady who never settled down because she refused to go on the debutante cruise and she got uglier until she died alone.
Mm-hmm.
I expect to be paid in cash.
They should be here by now.
Your sister's trying to duck me.
And Daddy texted he's working late.
When I'm home for the weekend.
Unbelievable.
I want you to go down to Fancie's and collect Lemon.
'Cause I'm gonna confront her with the cold, hard truth of her spinsterhood.
Fine, but I'm making one stop first.
Hmm.
The sign should go BlueBell, Hayes, what you're suggesting makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Fairhope, Fillmore.
It's called alphabetical order.
Oh, the alphabetical order card.
The hobgoblin of small minds.
It's a fact! "B" comes before "F.
" Always has, always will.
Can we be practical? Who's getting off the freeway for BlueBell anyway? Y'all having another one of them Hug Festivals? A come-see- the-town- that-didn't-get- the-county-fair-palooza? Okay.
Comptroller Riley what are your thoughts here? I never did care for nuts in my salad.
But-but this dressing, what is it? Herb vinaigrette.
Oh.
What about the sign? BlueBell deserves top billing.
We are an historical landmark Because of a commode.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I think what Comptroller Riley is trying to say here is that he's heard enough.
We're gonna settle this the same way I settle disputes at home.
A little competition.
What kind of competition? Frankly, I'd like to see you two duel it out with pistols at dawn.
Okay, well, how about something from this century? With a little less guns and death.
I did see a Ping-Pong table in the other room.
Best of five? Winner gets top billing on the sign.
Done.
Game on.
Someone crack that bottle of Scotch and point me towards a couch.
Hey, Robin, uh, Wade Kinsella here.
Listen, I read your proposal-- a couple times, actually-- and, uh, I am most definitely interested.
Call me back.
What? A bunch of us have bets on who she is.
This mystery girl who spun your head earlier.
Sal says mail-order bride, Frank says undercover cop trying to pull you into a sting, and I'm going with either foreign diplomat or Pilates guru.
So? So y'all need to get some hobbies.
Howdy, everyone.
How y'all doing tonight? You're letting Lily Anne sing here? She promised she wasn't gonna sing about me.
I'm gonna open up with a dedication to a very special guy, a man that I am just crazy about.
Did you get that in writing? We met in BlueBell You sang like a dove I fell under your spell And now we're in love You're smart and you're sweet Charming and hunky That's why you will always be My love monkey My Love monkey.
Thank you, darlin'.
Stand up, my little love monkey.
I am her love monkey.
Her primate of passion.
This is Meatball, and we're getting married, y'all.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Meatball and Lily Anne? Anything's possible, right? Why do people keep saying that? 'Cause it's true, dummy.
Look.
Ew.
Earl! Where are you? Oh, Earl.
Can anyone hear me?! Anyone! I'm out here! Earl? Zoe?! Back here! I'm stuck! Where? My booby trap! Your what? Just follow my voice! What? Where? Where are you talking Holy crap.
Earl, what the hell? Did I miss my date? How did this happen? Well, a couple years ago, I went through a survivalist phase and I bought a manual and built a booby trap.
No, how did you wind up in it? Same way you did.
Were you drinking? Almost.
Truth is, after Mae agreed to have dinner with me, all this pressure hit me like a tsunami.
I could barely breathe.
So I picked up a bottle, brought it home.
But before I took a drink, I remembered what you said.
How I have a lot to offer.
How I didn't want to mess that up.
Well, good for you.
So I poured it out, took a walk to clear my head and, bam, fell down a hole, stone-cold sober.
That's a first.
I don't have a signal.
You know, maybe if-if you give me a boost, I can pull myself out of here.
Uh, I wish I could.
I think I sprained my ankle on the way down.
I'm having trouble standing up.
What? When I asked you, you said you were okay.
I thought you meant emotionally.
Let me see your foot.
I must say, I've never been so disappointed by something so predictable.
I thought you had a business to run.
Well, you had me convinced that he wasn't drunk and lying in a ditch, so I had to see for myself.
You would call this a ditch, right? It's a booby trap.
Also, not drunk.
How does it feel to be wrong? How do you still manage to sound high on your horse when you're stuck in a damn hole? Are you gonna get us out of here? There's a ladder in the shed.
Of course there is.
'Cause you're prepared for moments like these.
He really can be a jackass sometimes, can't he? Sometimes? Come on.
Let's get that shoe off.
Wait, what do you mean that you booked Crickett and Stanley in Fancie's? Oh, it turns out they want to renew their vows.
A big photogenic event.
It just seemed perfect, considering that's what you needed Yeah, well, it would've been had I not convinced Brando Wilkes to have his wedding at Fancie's this weekend.
Well, that seemed like such a long shot.
Uh, my powers of persuasion have not yet begun to fade.
There's one teeny-tiny other thing.
Meatball? That's the teeny-tiny other thing.
Hello.
Lemon.
Meatball.
I'm getting married! A.
B.
told me Hello.
about your friends and family discount.
I'm assuming former lovers qualify.
Booyah! It helps if your paddle actually makes contact with the ball, Hayes.
Going with the old Belarusian backspin, are you? Uh-huh.
That's how you want to play? No better way to neutralize your Jorgen Persson push.
Okay, don't let him get in your head, Lavon.
I'm pretty sure he made that last term up.
You know the worst thing about being comptroller? No one knows how to pronounce it.
Is it comptroller? Controller? And the jokes.
"Try to comptrol yourself.
" That never gets old.
Scotch me.
Not bad.
A bit too relaxed for someone down two points.
Uh-huh.
Maybe 'cause I know something you don't.
I ain't left-handed.
Hey, what do you know.
Hate to break it to you, but the same goes for me, only the opposite.
With the other hand.
What? I, too, have been playing with a hand that is not my left.
Or my right.
I mean, the one I'm not as good with.
What are you talking about, man? Quit confusing me with your words.
All right, Single White Female, what have you done with my dad? Hmm, let me guess.
He's planning your college tour? Buying you a new car? A nice convertible? Um, no.
He's in the basement, getting X rays from storage.
He's gonna show me the difference between pneumonia and pulmonary edema.
Seriously? He hasn't shown me any of those.
I love Pulmonary Edema.
I watched them perform live at Coachella.
No.
O-Okay.
Pulmonary edema is a lung disease.
And I imagine Dr.
Breeland never showed them to you because you've never shown an interest in respiratory ailments.
Oh, really? Well, here's a thought.
Why don't we have Dr.
Breeland show you how to remove a pencil from your ear, because if you keep talking to me in that tone, there's a 90% chance that that's gonna happen.
Earl, your foot's really swollen.
What's going on here? Hey, so if it turns out I only have the strength to save one of y'all, you gonna flip a coin or what? Save Zoe first.
Then maybe she'll start liking you again.
Hmm.
Though I don't know why she would.
Aah! Oh, crap.
What is it? What's the matter with him? Stay with me, Earl.
It's a dislocated spiral fracture above his ankle.
There's no circulation.
Is he okay? Call 911 and then get down here and help me or he's gonna lose his foot.
He's still out.
Well, his vitals are still strong.
It's the best thing for him.
It's a bad break.
The angle is pinching an artery and it's stopping blood flow to his foot.
We're gonna need opposing traction.
Smaller words, Doc.
Okay.
But you're not gonna like 'em.
We need to hold opposite ends of his leg and pull.
Like tug-of-war.
And if we're lucky, the bone will pop back into place.
It's field medicine.
It's as grisly as it sounds.
Here.
Give me your hand.
Pull here.
Okay? He picked a hell of a day to stop drinking.
We can do this, but we have to do it right now.
Got you.
Wade, you're stronger than me Why, thank you.
It's not a compliment.
You're stronger than me, so you can't pull harder than me or we could cause more damage.
Ready? On three.
One, two, three.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
What now? That's great! You did great! Okay, uh, hand me that newspaper.
I'm gonna splint it.
You go up to the street and find the ambulance.
It's gonna be okay.
Wade, go.
He's gonna be okay.
I promise.
Be back.
You'd better be okay.
I promised him.
I stopped to pick up some dinner.
Hope you like Unbelievable.
What is going on here? Where's Your brand-new perfect daughter? The one that you replaced me with? Oh, Magnolia, you haven't been replaced.
What would you call it, Dad? You banish me to live with that grand-monster, then boarding school, blowing off family dinner cause you finally found the daughter of your dreams.
Someone who wants to be a doctor, who likes books and has no interest in hair products.
Yay for you, Dad.
Now, come on.
That is not what is going on here.
A-And, yes, it was nice that someone paid some interest in my life's work, but You know what? Your life's work is stupid.
Hey.
You could find better medical care on the Internet.
Good-bye.
N Magnolia Is she gone? I'm sorry.
I You know Magnolia.
She's always thinking she got the short end of the stick.
True, but on the other hand, she is only home for a night, and her dad is still at work looking at old X rays, rather than having dinner with her, so maybe this time Wow! The room looks perfect.
Well, everything was designed to be the most memorable moment of A.
B.
's life.
Well, anything else I need to know? Nope.
Just be on time, act natural, and don't look at the camera.
I need to capture authentic emotions.
All right, we'll see you in a half hour.
I just had a brainstorm about my wedding, and I had to share it.
You know what the main course has to be? Uh, meatballs? Meatballs! Exactly! Wow.
It's like you are in my brain.
Wedding of the century, Lemon.
Later! Aah! Are we not answering our phone these days? Sorry, Grandma.
I'm busy.
Where's your sister? Magnolia's in town? Oh, we have almost no time to get your hair done, pick out a wardrobe, and tone your arms if you expect to get on that ship in four days.
Well, in four days, these flabby arms and untamed hair will be hosting three wedding-type events right here, and that's not including AnnaBeth's surprise engagement.
So AnnaBeth? Well, doesn't it give you pause to know that AnnaBeth, your good friend, is embarking on her second marriage when your first isn't even in sight? No pause, Grandma.
No pause at all! Oh! And did I hear right? Meatball, your very, very secret shame, is also marrying? Still no pause! Oh, Lemon, what is wrong with you? Why can't you get out of your own way? Don't you want a relationship? Sugar, there's a big hole in your life, and you can try to fill it up with busywork and this restaurant and all the candles in this state Give me back that candle! Aah! I'm not going on that cruise, and I am not saying it again.
Oh! All right, two games all.
Match point.
I know it's match point.
There's been, like, You don't have to say match point every time it's match point.
Now, do I say match point whenever it's my match point? Got to win by two.
I know! I feel like we've been here for a week.
I'm gonna need to sell a kidney just to pay the babysitter.
Oh! Game! No, no! Set.
No! Match! Yeah.
Ooh.
Looks like we have our answer.
Oh, it's gonna be one hell of a sign.
Oh, Lavon.
Look, I don't like it, but he won fair and square.
Good game, Gainey.
Yeah.
Good game, Gainey.
I feel like I should shake your hand, too.
Well, nice to know y'all can be such gracious Uh, what's that word? Oh, yeah.
Losers.
Hey, mind if I have my hand back? Not quite yet.
Am I seeing things, gentlemen, or is there red paint under Mayor Gainey's fingernails here? Paint that happens to match the red paint up on his wrist.
Virtually identical to the red spray paint that was used to deface the highway sign this very morning.
Yeah, well, I tell you.
I don't know what what you're implying here.
I don't think I was being particularly subtle.
I think he's implying that you yourself graffitied up that sign just so you'd have an excuse to get a new one and put Fillmore on top.
What? These outrageous accusations! Well, I mean, we could just subpoena the security cam footage from the rest area across the street, you know, just to be sure.
Mayor Gainey! I just love my town so much.
I, for one, am outraged! Which is kind of a new feeling for me.
Uh, Mayor Hayes, you have top billing.
Mayor Gainey, drive me home.
Security camera in the rest area? Ah, there's not even a rest area.
They say you're gonna be all right.
We got to it in time.
You hear that, Dad? You get to keep your foot, thanks to this one.
You did okay, too.
You know, it's kind of a shame.
I had a nice peg leg picked out for you, too.
I'm sorry I dragged y'all out here.
I'm an idiot.
What's the point of getting sober when you just fall in your own booby trap? You really go four weeks without a drink for a girl? Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
I'm too old to be making a fool out of myself for love.
Not at all.
Zoe's right.
Anything's possible.
All right, forward just a few more steps.
Davis, where are we? Just a little bit more.
Okay.
Oh.
Right there.
Oh! All right, now, sit back real slow.
Oh, I don't like this game.
Okay.
Oh, my Lord.
Oh.
AnnaBeth Nass Oh, my God.
girl of my dreams Never the bride.
Grandma, hush.
will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I know.
I'm excited, too.
It's an inferno! Oh! My restaurant.
- My hair! - AnnaBeth? Yes? What do you say? I say Let's get out of this rain.
Oh, shoot! How's your daughter, the doctor? Magnolia.
I'm sorry I'm not into medical things, okay? You don't have to be sorry.
Good, because I'm not.
You were right.
I was enjoying showing Rose what I do.
We have things in common, and-and she was She was easier to talk to than me.
No.
No.
Maybe not as loud, but You know, I just I think you're loud sometimes because I wasn't listening hard enough.
It happens, I guess.
Well, it doesn't have to, which is why we are taking a two-week vacation, an adventure.
Just us.
No cell phones, no computers, no mobile devices What? No.
Yeah, and you can pick the destination.
Now I'm interested.
Can we go to Las Vegas? No.
Amsterdam? Uh Uh, yeah.
Lemon.
Lemon, is everything? What? A fire? At Fancie's? It wasn't me.
I was here all night.
Was supposed to have three events here in the next week.
Now it's not gonna be dry enough to have a pool party.
I told you your life was going up in flames.
Seems like I had the right principle, but the wrong natural disaster.
Lemon, are you okay? Daddy.
No.
Oh, baby, it's gonna be okay.
Don't sugarcoat it for her, Bertram.
It is not! Mother, I know all of these firemen by name, and I can have them remove you from the premises.
You still owe me 50 bucks.
Oh! Hey.
Hey.
How's everything? Oh, I just got back from the hospital.
He's stable, already complaining about the food.
But, uh, they're going to let him out in a day or two.
That's great.
I am so relieved.
Listen, I I just wanted to thank you.
You were right about pretty much everything.
He's okay because of you.
Well, I also got him into this mess.
Zoe.
Okay, fine.
We can stick with I was right.
I mean, I'm okay with that.
I can live with that.
But Hey, so Brando and Sylvie's wedding.
Oh, my God.
No, if you want to-- and no pressure at all-- I would be willing to do that reading with you, only because it is so important to them.
No, no, you're right.
Oh, my God, it's still such a bad idea.
No.
It's not.
I would like to do that reading.
If I was going to the wedding, but, uh, I'm not.
Because Vivian might be there? No.
Uh it's work, actually.
It's kind of a crazy thing happened this morning.
This-this investor lady came in, and, uh, she read about the Rammer Jammer.
She wants to franchise it.
Open up another location, maybe more.
Are you kidding? Wade, that's amazing! Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Listen, I was gonna I was gonna tell you, but then Earl and Oh, yeah.
Anyway, uh, I'm not gonna be at the wedding, 'cause I'm gonna be down in Atlanta.
That's where the next Rammer Jammer's going to be.
So you're moving? For how long? I don't know.
I am so happy for you.
Congratulations.
Good night, Doc.
Good night.