Hot In Cleveland s03e21 Episode Script

And action.
Am I the only one that hears that? - No.
- It's really loud.
It's that fan right there.
It's just another fan.
It takes a lot of people to put on a TV show.
This is not just four ladies getting onstage and talking and making people laugh.
And yours was so bad, I'm using them as place mats under our tea.
Uh, "yours stunk so bad.
" But I hate the word "stink" and "stunk" and-- Is there another word you'd prefer? Uh, [Bleep.]
.
This is a sweet family we have going here, and we are so grateful to be working at the thing we love.
All right, guys.
We'd love to start the show in five minutes.
The tone comes from the top, from the writers and the producers.
It's just such a great environment because it becomes a family.
I think we're ready.
- We ready? - Oh, okay.
There's just a natural rapport between us that is so precious, and believe me, we've all been around the world enough to know how precious it is.
We have a-- we have a really cool-- we're doing our own little reality Kardashian thing here, it seems.
No.
But we're, doing a little behind-the-scenes thing for all of you guys to see eventually on TV Land.
It's, uh, what it takes to put a show on every week, and boy, did they pick a good week to come.
Hey We all set? Here we go.
How far will we have to run? I'm not running anywhere until I give birth to this chili bump.
And when we come in on mondays, we all take our positions at the table and it's filled with the writers, the producers, the network.
And we take a stab at it.
"You set me up with a priest?" "No, no, he's giving up the priesthood effective Friday.
" "Just to date me?" "Well, no, the timing is a lucky coincidence.
"He no longer believes it's his calling.
God's loss is your gain.
He's really cute.
" First time you always read it out loud on Monday, it's different.
I'll read something, and I'll think I'll know how someone's going to say it, and it inevitably is totally different when I hear the different people do it.
We are going to have an excellent time.
Oh, what a night.
Tuesdays are when we get down to the nitty-gritty, and we actually get it up on its feet, and we show the producers and the writers how we've staged it and how the director has staged it.
Action.
And step and step and pose.
Bored look to the audience.
And Jolie the leg.
We're more of a rehearsal-process kind of show, where we will actually rehearse without any cameras, without any sound or without any technical aspects, just like we were doing a play, for several days until we get it right.
I just emailed him a naked picture.
Uh-oh.
You-- um, I took one while you were asleep.
I don't sleep naked.
I took some liberties.
The first couple of days, we carry a script because the lines keep changing.
But it's so much easier when you can put your script down and really play it.
If you like Lou-- no, that's not right, Betty.
[Bleep.]
.
God.
The writers try to improve upon, uh, the storyline or make it funnier or whatever it takes to get it to the greatest place it could possibly be.
We are constantly getting feedback on what's working and what's not working from the table read to the tape night.
We just got rewrites for the scene we just shot.
Our writers are the best.
People have no idea how hard they work and what they come up with, and they make it funny every single week.
He's coming back any minute, so I got to go.
That's it! We're having an intervention.
Joy, you have to start drinking again.
Like life, you're very hard to take without alcohol.
I'm been bikini shopping.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you out of your mind? Are you insane? So he's blind and dull? And by the end of it, he's going to wish he was deaf.
Uh-- up-- up high.
Oh, God.
We're losing her.
Medic! You're not helping me.
We all appreciate each others' senses of humor.
And everybody's kind of a wise guy on the set.
So we like to sort of send each other up.
It's important especially in a comedy to keep the atmosphere light and fun and happy.
And it's just a blessing to come to the set every day because you can be having the worst day, and somebody will make you laugh.
This is like My Fair Lady.
Eliza Doolittle me.
I'm a good girl, I am.
I'm a good girl, I am.
I'm a good girl, I am.
We have so much fun doing the show that I honestly have a hard time staying up here at my desk and working and not running down to play in their rehearsals.
In fact, I get yelled at by the actors to get the hell out of there, so they can do some work.
That's how much fun they're having and how much fun it is to be around all of them.
We're up a level on the second floor.
We're lucky that we can look down on them, both emotionally and physically.
Physically.
Sweats, pizza, and wine.
It's like the cover of Giving Up magazine.
Maybe Roy could talk to Andy and subtly let him know him that he should wear pants, so we don't have to see his-- his-- What's up, yo-- What's up, y'all? Joy Scroggs in the hizzy.
Maybe I should move there.
Move to the midwest? Good God, I'd rather die.
Who are you? "Good God, I'd rather die.
" You're Lady Winchester.
Maybe they're just going to snap out of it.
Yeah, but we can't count on that.
I mean, I've had marriages that I didn't snap out of until two marriages later.
And I've had marriages I haven't been able to snap out of for-- till-- I've had marriages that I haven't been able to snap out of until two marriages further down the pike.
I've had marriages I couldn't snap out of until two marriages later.
You're gonna go with that one? No.
Okay.
It's not going to get any better than that.
This is an enormous group of people that it takes to pull this together every week.
We have a very happy crew.
You know, we all love each other a lot.
From everybody from craft service to props, to the cameramen.
You walk by a cameraman, and he'll just pat you on the shoulder, and it's just-- on the shoulder.
And it's just a delight.
They are the best barometer of whether we're doing our job or not.
When the crew laughs, we know that we have something good going on.
Every department has a lot of pride in what they do.
They have as much a stake in it as the cast and the writers, so there's really a sense of everybody wanting to do their best work.
Oh, please.
You can't just reach into a stranger's-- Sure you can, like this.
Ah! The first think you do when you get the new script is look at the guest list and see who the guest star is.
Ding-dong.
Who could that be? Elka! Anka! There'll be a long week there while you get a lot of open arms.
You look terrible.
TV Land is for TV watchers, so TV watchers, more than anything, appreciate of television.
Hello, Victoria.
Oh, Lucci.
Hey, you two.
How many lesbians does it take to make me a sandwich? I think we must have a pretty good reputation amongst our guest stars because we-- we don't seem to have any trouble getting great, great people.
It's so tiny.
Okay, that's not the best thing to say to a man who just took off his pants.
I adore Georgia Engel so much on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And she came in, and she was just wonderful.
I have an idea.
We could read them our play.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Damn! Georgia, I wish you'd get it right! We have had just so many old friends and great people.
You know, John Mahoney who I was married to on Frasier when I was Jane's mother-in-law.
She loves to tell people that.
And Jon Lovitz who is one of the funniest human beings I've ever worked with.
If I only could dance my way into her heart and sweep her off her feet.
But alas, I can neither dance nor sweep.
One of the fun things is the comfort of knowing it's okay to screw up because you just take it again.
Would you mind? And out of those moments of screwing up, come these brilliant laughing fits that can only happen out of pure mistakes and pure improv.
You're saying that you won't clap for me? Absolutely not.
I can give a terrific salute.
Double-finger guns with a boop-boop-boop-- Unfortunately, the only thing horny about Moses is his face.
It's got to come down.
Here? Where are your boobs? Call security! They'll find them.
Everyone, check under the tables.
Whoo-hoo.
- Thank you, honey.
- You're welcome.
So here we are, it's show day, and I'm on my way to work in my little cart.
We're probably about an hour away before I'm supposed to be onstage.
I love the studio.
The convenience, the nice people that work there.
Yeah, I got it good.
Thanks.
Here we are on the CBS Radford lot.
Oops, sorry.
I should learn how to slow down.
And we are, right in front of Melanie's dressing room.
My second home.
You thought we were all natural beauties, didn't you? No, I think I've been here long enough now.
I know.
When we get to show day, it's really fun because the audience really is the finishing touch.
Hi.
I would compare it to sports.
You know, you practice all week long, you know, and then you put your uniform on, the crowd's there, and it's game night.
Yes? Wendie, we're ready for you onstage.
- Oh, already? - Yes.
That's nice.
On audience night, you just can feel the butterflies.
Oh, my family's here tonight.
We have Michael Burger up there warming up the audience.
Anybody here from North Dakota? - North Dakota? - Hey! Really? Dumbest state I've ever been in in my life.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Give me a little something there.
Maybe it was me.
I'm in north Dakota, I pull into the service station, I say, "how do you get to South Dakota?" The guy looks at me and goes, "my brother takes me.
" They make such a difference, the audience.
They come in, ready to laugh, ready to enjoy.
I get nervous on show night.
I think--but I think it's the adrenaline that kicks in.
It's just like being in the theater, and there's something about that that we all kind of live for.
You can just clean up after.
I have to faint at least three times before showtime.
Especially now that I'm going to be his wife.
- Oh, my God.
- I give it two months.
- He's got three months to live.
- I know.
All righty.
Shall you meet this cast here, Hot in Cleveland? Are you ready? Okay, showtime.
Let's sprint.
Once the audience comes in, you sort of rely on that a little bit because everything becomes bigger and louder and really buoys your performance up.
Thank you, everyone, for being here.
You're a really important part of our show because you are our laughter, so what you find funny, and when you laugh, it gets recorded, and then that's what you hear on TV.
So thanks for being here.
And have a great time.
Here we go.
We have a little huddle that just goes on.
It's like one for all and all for one.
And then we have a couple of jokes that I can't tell you.
And then--but that just gets us all together before we go out and do the show.
When people come and join the audience, they're stunned that it doesn't take a half an hour.
It's like, why does it take three or four hours? - From the top.
- You know what? You're doing a good thing, Joy.
I mean, having you for a wife will make dying a lot easier.
I'm an enigma, wrapped inside a conundrum, shrouded in dimples.
Joan Rivers, everybody! The worst feeling is when nobody's saying their lines and you're wondering, do I have a line here? - Is it me? - Is it my line? There's nothing like it.
It's the heart of show business.
A lot of times people say one of their favorite things about coming to a taping is when we screw up because they're there for the real thing, you know? And unfortunately, we screw up quite a bit, so we have a lot for them to appreciate.
Now we are four intelligent women.
- Hmm.
- I'm sure that we can-- I'm sure that we can come up with something-- We had a little moment.
Unexpected moment.
Is Victoria trying to iron again? She's reat-- why can't I speak today? Because you're British.
That's-- It's delightfully well-written, and it's punchy.
It's delightfully well-written, and what the hell is it? It was an honor and a privilege to be her live-in nurse.
Murderer! .
.
,shot here.
From there we're going to go from "murderer.
" What? And I'll pretend to fly to Hollywood, and then he'll leave and take this unlovable, annoying monster with him.
- [Bleep.]
you.
- What? You know what.
I love when we get to be silly, which we do quite a bit on this show.
It's fun.
It's fun for us, and it's fun for the audience to see us absolutely fall to pieces laughing.
And action.
Why do I smell bananas? Oh, I lit my monkey candle.
But a monkey doesn't smell like bananas.
Do you want it to smell like burning monkeys? But a monkey doesn't smell like a banana.
Tell me, do you want it to smell like a burning monkey? Okay.
- I think-- I think we got it.
- What? What should I say? I mean, what if she asks if I have a girlfriend? Well, tell her you do.
Who would I get to pretend to be my girlfriend? And cut.
What's nice over time is getting to know everybody that you work with, and by now, season three, you start to build a family.
Everybody counts on each other to make every week the greatest week we can possibly make it.
We started out saying that we didn't want to work with anybody.
That wasn't having fun, and these people came in having a lot of fun.
And we just got to be a part of it.
We've been on now for-- this is our third season.
And we literally miss each other when we're off for a week's hiatus.
And none of that is forced.
We really like it when it's a scene with just the four of us.
And we get down to, you know, us and the heart.
I don't know how you can hold out till the 12th date.
I never could.
Like you ever had a 12th date.
What are you doing with that dried-up old thing? It's my wedding bouquet.
I was talking to the bouquet.
But it's my magic dress.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Honey badger don't give a [Bleep.]
.
Somebody that we adore so much is turning 90 on Tuesday.
I tell everybody that will listen that I work on the happiest set I've ever worked on in 63 years in this business.
But you abuse the privilege.
We're all family, and we're all in this together, and we all have each other's backs, and we all look out for each other.
I can't imagine working any other way.
Everyone I've talked to who's ever come on our show, they are always like, "wow, you guys have the real deal.
" So we're going to start with Betty's line, right? - Yes.
- Okay.
Bitch.
To be able to do the thing you love and get paid for it and hang out with people you like every day is just such a gift, and I think probably the older you get, the more you appreciate it.