In Living Color (1990) s03e21 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believe so you canbelieve what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to hold your remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle up, couple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe but some ofthe best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go What the hell are you doing? The immigration officer will be here any minute.
Oh, I was just using the bathroom.
Oh, my God.
That's nota toilet, you idiot.
Well, that's why I couldn't flush it then.
Now, listen.
We got to make it look like we're really married.
.
.
- So let's get the story straight, all right? - Okay.
- You are Anton.
- I'm Anton.
- And I am? - You are, uh.
.
.
[Snaps Fingers.]
Damn, I'm not good with names and faces.
Here.
Let me see.
Turn around.
Rita.
That's right, Rita.
And we are happily living here as man and wife.
Well, then, let's do the nasty, little girl and "constipate" the marriage.
How many times I got to tell you? Stay away from me.
Your breath stink.
My breath stinks? [Exhales.]
Damn, you're right.
Here, let me freshen it up with a piece of gum.
- [Disgusted Sound.]
- [Doorbell Rings.]
That's her now.
Mrs.
Jackson? I'm Miss Wilson from the department of immigration.
- Yes, yes.
Come right in.
- Thank you.
This, I assume, is Mr.
Jackson? - That's right.
How you doin'? It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Very well.
Oh.
That's really not necessary.
I'm French.
That was a French kiss I just gave you.
- That's very nice.
- In case you wanna know.
Well, uh, Mr.
And Mrs.
Jackson, as you know.
.
.
the reason that I'm here today is because it has come to our attention.
.
.
that several people are getting married just to get their green card.
Hey, I resent that remark.
I resent that totally.
- When we got married, it was out of love and affection.
- Mm-hmm.
Ain't that right, uh, Rita? Yes.
Well, let's get started, shall we? Now, first, why don't you tell me where the two of you spent your honeymoon? - Well, we started out on the Riviera.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
But she kept sliding off the roof of the car, so we ended up in traffic.
Actually, we spent a nice, romantic honeymoon here at home.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
And, uh, Mrs.
Jackson, have you met his parents? No.
They actually think I'm a bum.
Oh, do they? Have you met her parents? They think I'm a bum too.
But, he's not a bum.
He's an actor.
Actually, a very talented performer.
Oh.
Have I seen you in anything? Possibly.
Last week, I performed in barefoot in the park.
- Oh, the play? - No.
Somebody stole my shoe.
But they left it.
Yeah, I found it in a pile of horse manure.
[Forced Laugh.]
Well, you know, believe it or not, as a young woman, I was a bit of a thespian.
I thought you was looking at my wife kinda funny.
I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.
I'm sorry, he's just a little overly protective, you know? Yes.
Well, just a few more questions here.
Now, Mrs.
Jackson, what was the last movie your husband saw, please? Uh, I think it was a love story.
That's right.
I saw this love story for 25 cents down at the porno house.
And guess who.
.
.
Pee-wee Herman sat right next to me.
Mrs.
Jackson, I really must ask you what exactly about this man attracts you? Well, uh, his sense of humor, you know, and he's very sensitive.
Actually, he's just a very warm person inside.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Some of my inside must've got out.
Get out.
That's it.
I can't take you anymore.
- What, baby doll? What's the matter? - You idiot! You imbecile.
Imbecile? We need to talk to Dr.
Ruth and she'll tell me.
.
.
I have heard enough.
Mrs.
Jackson, rest assured.
.
.
- your green card will be approved.
- Really? - That's wonderful.
- Yes.
Only married people in love could behave this way.
And if love is blind, I can only hope that your sense of smell fails you as well.
- Well, thank you very much, Mrs.
, uh, Wilson.
- Congratulations.
Well, now that that's all taken care of, you, out.
We're getting a divorce.
A divorce? But I'm in love with you, girl.
I love you.
- This is $20.
- Twenty dollars? You think that $20 is gonna erase the feeling? What about our dreams? - Going to see our little son down in county jail together? - That's $40.
Forty dollars? What, you think I'm some kind of ho? I ain't no ho.
- Here.
That's a hundred.
- Well, I am a businessman.
So, I'll see you around, bitch.
[Slow-tempo.]
- [Dance.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
Okay.
This is station one.
The shake machine.
Oh, yeah.
See, I got experience in this, 'cause I used to work over at Thank God It's Yogurt.
- Good.
So you know what to do, so do it.
- Right.
Exactly.
'Cause I'm here, you know, to make your job better.
You see what I'm saying? - Mm-hmm.
- It's about us.
It's all about us.
My name is Chillin'? How you doin'? Lot of my friends call me Charles, but they call me Chillin' too, mostly.
.
.
- 'cause that what I do mostly is chill.
- Uh-huh.
Well, uh, that's cool and everything.
I'm sure your parents are proud.
But what I need right now is two strawberries and one raspberry shake.
- Don't get the cups mixed up, okay? - That ain't nothin', see? - 'Cause I got this.
This is about us.
- Mm-hmm.
Miss, I asked for a cheese dog, not a chili cheeseburger.
- So? - So, I want a cheese dog.
Uh, so you want me to do something about that? Here you go.
Thank you for coming to Bob's Big Weenie.
You will come again, all right? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, see, I was working over at Meats-R-Us the other day.
But, you know, something had went down, right? Friend of mine, Larry, came to visit me.
He always come to my job give me encouragement, you know what I'm sayin'? After he left, my supervisor come to me talkin' about something.
Talkin' about something.
"Let's go for a walk.
" You know what I'm sayin'? Then he gonna say Larry is in connection with some T-bone steaks that came up missin'.
Okay, how you gonna blame Larry? All right, so what his car was parked out back and it was the only one with the trunk popped.
So, what? He gonna blame that on him? That's wrong.
That was steppin' on my professionalism.
I got on out of there, man.
Uh-huh, that's cool and everything and I'm sure they would do a miniseries about it.
.
.
but what I wanna know right now is where are the shakes? - Oh, that's done.
- I thought you said you knew what you was doing? I thought you said you had experience.
Well, see, what I got experience in is chocolate and vanilla.
You see what I'm sayin'? As you can see, you got strawberry, raspberry and blueberry.
I ain't go no experience on berries.
You got to train me correctly if you want me to do my job.
Just move.
I'll do it.
Do you know how to flip burgers? Oh, yeah, I can flip some burgers.
'Cause I used to work over at Chili Waffles? - On Third and Wallabee? - Uh-huh.
- So I know all about the burgers.
- Uh-huh.
That's cool and everything.
I am sure that your story is so moving.
.
.
that it will make me want to marry you, have four ugly kids and name them all Larry.
.
.
but all you got to do right now, is flip the burgers and make sure they don't burn, all right? Don't worry.
I'm here to make your job easy, you know what I'm sayin'? - It's about us, you know? It's a cooperative thing.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, Chili Waffles, boom.
Look at this.
.
.
ta da! Boom, ta da.
See, this is experience.
See how I flip that? Look at that.
Ta da! That's experience, see? I use to work over at Chili Waffles.
.
.
but I got fired over some old bull, you know what I'm sayin'? But then I was working at Lou's Used Cars and something went down.
My friend Larry had showed up, right? And, so, later on after Larry had left.
.
.
my supervisor come up to me, "Let's take a walk.
" You know what I'm saying? He gonna connect Larry to a 1982 El Dorado that come up missing.
You know what I'm sayin'? He gonna blame Larry for that.
That ain't right.
That's steppin' on my professionalism.
Simple as that.
Look at this.
These hamburgers are ruined.
- Uh, yeah, well.
.
.
- You know what? I am sick of you.
What is your problem? How come you can't do this? Well, 'cause.
.
.
see, you gotta look at the dynamics of this grill.
You see what I'm sayin'? This is a flat grill.
See, I'm used to charbroiled grill.
You see what I'm sayin'? I'm used to putting black stripes on the hamburger.
- [Horn Honks.]
- Hold on a minute.
I will be with you.
- [Honks.]
- Honk again here, see you don't get these fries in your face.
Okay, come here, 'cause I am just getting mad at you.
- So far you have done nothing right.
All right? - I'm ready to do this.
All you have to do is wrap the burgers, put them in a bag.
.
.
and give them to the customers, okay? See, that ain't nothing, see? 'Cause I got experience in packaging.
.
.
'cause I used to work at Derek's Devilish Hot Dogs.
Uh-huh.
You-You got all this experience, huh? Well, Mr.
Experience, if you were so good at Derek's Devilish Dogs.
.
.
how come you ain't there now? Well, 'cause.
.
.
Well, something had went down.
Larry.
.
.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
With you and your boy Larry, right? Nah, nah.
Actually, Larry was locked up.
His brother Sherman came over.
Uh-huh, well, just shut up and do this.
Damn, don't you ever stop talking? - Ain't gonna be all of that.
- Yo, what's up, Chillin'? What's up, Larry? - What's up, boy? You hungry? - Hey, bad.
What's up, boy? - You lookin' good, boy.
- Excuse me.
Only people in cars is supposed to come to the drive-through window.
You straight-up wrong.
See, you don't even know what's up.
Larry caught the bus over here.
Larry supposed to ask the bus to come through? You know the bus too big.
Look, my El Dorado's in the shop, so why you sweating me, girl? I'm sure this is all a really moving story.
.
.
and I'm gonna have to make sure to remember to tell my grandchildren.
But what I want to know is why come you got all this food? - Are you Bob's Big Weenie? - Excuse me? - He said, "Are you Bob's Big Weenie?" - No.
- All right, then, this is "A" and "B.
" - [Together.]
See ya.
- I don't have to take this.
- So, man, is this gonna work out for you, man? - I think this is gonna work out fine.
- All right, then, cool.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Yeah, 'cause see, I want that one right over there.
What the hell is goin' on here? You are stealing food.
I caught you red-handed.
You're fired.
Man, what's up with him? See, he don't even know how to fire nobody.
He didn't take me for no walk.
That's messin' with my professionalism.
You know what I'm sayin'? That's all right, 'cause I got an application over at Casa de Beans.
That's all right.
[Continues, Indistinct.]
[Man.]
And now for the furtheradventures of Handi Man.
- [Struggling.]
- Tiny, we're trapped.
Now, crutched crusaders, prepare to die.
[Man.]
Last episode, Handi Man and the TinyAvenger were trapped by the evil Isadora.
Is it curtains for our two heros? Okay, Handi Man.
Let's see how handy you are with a saw.
Oh, my gosh, Handi Man.
We're goners for sure.
Oh, ye of little faith and even littler legs.
Be patient.
They say it ain't over until the fat lady sings.
- And I haven't heard you blow yet.
- Enough of your Handi crap.
Now that you two troublemakers are out of my way, I can finally complete my master plan.
To transplant a healthy, young dancer's legs onto my body.
Once again, I'll be the world's greatest dancer.
I don't care whose legs you have, you'll always look likeJane Pittman to me.
[Whirring.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, Handi Man, I have to cut out.
[Maniacal Laughter.]
I hate her laugh.
Well, I guess this is the end, isn't it, Handi Man? No.
You know what I always say.
- Never underestimate the handicapped? - Uh-uh.
Help! That was just a little Handi joke.
Oh, stop kidding, Handi Man.
We're both gonna be sawed in half in a matter of seconds.
Not if I can help it.
[Grunting.]
If I could just get my hand on my Handi Belt, I could set us free.
- Oh, hurry, Handi Man.
- There it is.
My portable time reversing machine.
- What's that gonna do? - Just watch.
No short jokes, please.
[Engine Shuts Off.]
- You're free.
- And not a moment too soon.
I almost made a super stinky in my Handi Suit.
Hey, Handi Man, that Handi Belt is amazing.
Does it do anything else? Yes.
It keeps my pants up.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Manny, Moe and Jack.
- May I? - Please take care of my light work.
Take that.
Great work, Tiny Avenger.
Now, quick, where's Isadora's laboratory? - On the third floor.
- And I bet there's not a disabled ramp either.
Come on.
You go first.
Dancing, dancing, dancing I'm a dancing machine Oh, baby [Vocalizing.]
Look.
She's about to take that poor girl's legs.
Not if I can help it.
[Machine Shuts Off.]
At last.
The transference is complete.
Wrong, Isadora.
It seems you've had your last dance.
I'm afraid you're too late, Handi Man.
The little brat's legs are already mine.
Now I can dance like a 19-year-old again.
My legs! My legs! My glorious legs! I got news for you, Isadora.
.
.
those are the same old withered pool sticks that you always had.
What are you talking about? They're long and.
.
.
Oh, my God.
Then how is it I was able to dance again, Handi Man? You've always had the ability to dance, you just never tried.
Oh, Handi Man, thank you for giving me back my life.
That's exactly what you're gonna get, Isadora: Life.
- At the state penitentiary.
- No! - Yes.
- No! - Yes.
- No! Yes.
See you later, dancing machine.
Thanks, Handi Man and Tiny Avenger.
Don't mention it, twinkle toes.
Plié and away.
Plié.
Well, Handi Man, I guess we better get going.
You mean wherever there's injustice towards handicap? - You got it.
- Okay.
Up, up and away.
Here, let me help you.
[Together.]
Up, up and away.
Up, up and away.
[Man.]
Tune in next time for thefurther adventures of Handi Man.
- Yo, Damon, kick it.
- Get out of here.
All right.
Next week, y'all.
[Hip-hop.]