Life in Pieces (2015) s03e21 Episode Script

I have a little something for you, dear.
Why? Oh, wait, did I tell you today was some sort of Mexican holiday? Because I make up a ton of those to get out of things.
No, I caught on to that a long time ago.
Oh, thank you notes.
50 of them.
Well, 49, actually.
I put one aside so you can thank me for the thank you notes.
I don't understand.
People are asking me if you received their wedding gifts, because they never received your thank you notes.
Oh, this is a hint.
No, no, uh, the last box of cards I gave you was a hint.
Now I'm begging you.
But only if you feel the urge.
(GROANS) I thought we had a year to write thank you cards.
No, they have a year to give us a gift.
But we are supposed to write a thank you note right away, so they know their gift arrived.
What is that? What voice are you doing? Just some dumb person who says dumb things.
- Okay.
- We have to do this.
Right, no, you're right, it's important to show appreciation.
No, we have a surrogate who's about to be pregnant with our baby; we need gifts.
We can't have people mad at us, especially when most of the stuff on the registry are just gifts for us.
Why did you start a registry? We don't have a baby yet.
That doesn't change the fact that I'm gonna need a Waterpik.
Okay.
Okay.
So, what if we do one thank you for everyone, like, like, a fun video that they can just watch over and over again? Yeah, that's so much better, because videos last forever.
I know that from experience.
MATT: Hello, family, friends.
It's us, America's sweethearts, Colleen and Matt.
You may be wondering why we're surrounded by cookware, flatware and several used gift cards.
That's because these are all of the amazing wedding gifts you've given us.
Perhaps you even recognize yours.
If that's the case, this video's for you.
MATT: And please, if you don't see your gift here, don't worry, many were exchanged for cash.
COLLEEN: So thank you all so very much for making us feel so loved and so appreciated.
MATT: And please, share this video with anyone you know who did give us a gift, but who is not CC'd above.
But don't you dare reply all, 'cause that's super annoying.
Okay, does anybody else feel like Matt and Colleen just took a big dump on them? You know, the real question is: who got them that camera? - You're the problem.
- We did.
Oh? I'm glad they used it.
Wait, so people who gave big gifts are just lumped in with people who gave, like, a candle? What did you get them? An ancient Inuit heart carved out of walrus tusk, which in native cultures represents eternity.
- We got it at Marshalls.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, can someone please pass the potatoes? Mm.
Yeah, here you go.
Thank you, Sam.
You're welcome.
I passed the potatoes.
Oh, yeah, but, about a year ago, Sam passed me some potatoes, and I never thanked her for it.
In fact, let me just do a-a blanket thank you to everyone, uh, for anything they might have or might not have done to help me get food into my mouth hole.
My thanks.
And Jen's.
I think this is about our video.
You got something you want to say to me, Greg? Yeah, because if you do, you know, you can just make another video, and then just send it out to the whole family.
Wait, are people seriously upset about this? That's what we do, Uncle Matt, we judge.
It's lovely that you took the time to thank the family.
But I think perhaps a group message, uh, feels a little impersonal, and perhaps something only a monster would do.
TIM: Yeah.
How could you? (MOUTHING) Joan, is this because I didn't use the note cards you gave me? Because I can go back to that store that I returned them to, and buy them again.
MATT: Wait, come on, you guys.
Handwritten notes are so old-fashioned, right? COLLEEN: Yeah.
What? No, that's not true.
No, every week, I write Joan a thank you note for brunch.
So you're the reason we keep having these? This is crazy.
So, we have to thank people for every little thing now? Oh, yeah, smart.
Turn it on them.
MATT: Okay, fine.
Fine.
Jen, thank you for the bagels.
Feels pointed.
Sam, thank you for not busting me when I double dipped.
Tyler and Clementine, you're both good kids; thanks for, you know, scoring me that thing for me that I can't talk about but we all know what I'm talking about.
Timmy, thank you for always having my back.
Heather, thank you for being the best big sister that a guy could ever ask for.
And, Greg, thank you very much for helping me out after my divorce, man, really.
Mom and Dad, thank you, for thousands of dollars, and thousand of hours of love.
Okay.
Is everyone happy? I'd still like mine in writing.
Okay.
You want anything else, Soph? Yeah.
I'd like to get the top of my ear pierced.
Oh, not again.
Listen, you are way too young for that piercing.
But you always tell me to express my true self.
And my true self is like that pretty bartender at The Cheesecake Factory.
Honey, he cannot be your role model.
But you let Samantha do it.
Because they like me better.
That's not true.
We like whoever isn't here best.
Where is good old Tyler? Samantha had to wait until she was 15, okay? So let it go.
Okay, if you can explain to me the difference between this part of my ear and this part of my ear.
All right, Tim, you take that one.
You're the ear doctor.
All right.
This is connective tissue, and this is trashy to have pierced.
It's a baseless, arbitrary distinction, and we all know it.
Oh, my God, she is, like, a professional arguer.
You know, I mean, if that were, like, a real job.
She's been doing mock trials at school.
You should see her practicing with her stuffed animals.
She argued Mr.
Pickle out of the death penalty.
And they had DNA.
Is it too late to teach her that being pretty is better than being smart? Did you think I wasn't gonna find out? Find out what? You didn't let Sam pierce her ear because she was 15, you let Sam get her ear pierced because she got straight A's.
- Tim? - What? I'm alone with her in the kitchen.
- I need backup.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just got straight A's, so I'll go start the car.
Oh.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Listen, we are thinking about it, okay, Sophia? Well, I know from experience, that's a future yes.
So can't we just save our energy and get right to it? No, it's not always a future yes.
I mean, I asked your Mom about something last night, and she said she'd think about it; it turned out to be a no.
Sometimes the best you got is you got to just go online and watch videos of girls getting their ears pierced over and over again.
It's not as good as doing it yourself, but (CHUCKLES): sometimes that's all we got.
Okay, well, mock trial taught us that a "no" without a sound argument behind it is simply an invitation for further debate.
I accept your invitation and will see you soon.
See, Heather, if you let me give her the keys, we wouldn't be in this position.
Okay, th-that's not, no ugh.
Hey, Jen, hi.
So, you're a lawyer.
Still the one thing I wish I never told you.
Well, Sophia is doing mock trial for school, and she would love to have a real lawyer to, you know, practice her arguments with.
She was just too scared to ask you.
Oh, I love it when people are afraid of me.
What's the topic? Body mutilation.
Yeah, she's got the affirmative, so you would need to take the negative, and just really, you know, just (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Full-court press.
Yeah, no mercy.
Yeah, I wouldn't say try to make her cry, but - Well, you know.
- Wow, embarrassing - if you lost, huh? - (LAUGHTER) - I won't lose.
- HEATHER: Ah.
If one person in the family, like, say, Samantha, gets to have a second piercing, the same rules should apply to any other person in the family.
It's called precedent.
Sophia, is it true that earlier today at brunch, you called Samantha, and I quote, "a dummy"? I believe I called her a "dumb, dumb dummy.
" I stand corrected.
But still, why would you want to model yourself after, and again, quoting, "a dumb, dumb dummy"? You know what, Aunt Jen? You're right.
That is a smart point.
So maybe Samantha isn't the best person to build your whole case around.
You're right again.
I should be more careful about who I model myself after.
Defense rests.
I have no further questions.
I do.
Would you be okay if I modeled myself after you? Oh, I'd be very flattered by that.
And I could put you in touch with people who have done the same.
So when did you get your nose pierced? Oh, um That is a stud in your nose, isn't it? (LAUGHS) Well, actually, it's And what age were you when you got that piercing? That is i-irrelevant.
Exactly my point.
Age doesn't matter.
I rest my case.
Well, that is an airtight argument.
High five, sister.
She wins.
I'm gonna go get some more hash browns.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How could you lose? Consider yourself lucky she even asked you.
Oh, and I did it myself with a needle at a slumber party.
Dad, Mom, could I have a slumber party tonight? - Yes.
- No, no, no.
Thank you so much for staying open late for us, Stacey.
Come sit.
I'm so excited.
Oh, my God, she is so young.
I can't watch, I can't watch it.
Hey, if you don't want her to do it, then why don't you just do what my uncle-dad did? You know, when I wanted a tattoo of Tweety Bird doing a bong rip, right here on my pubic bone, he got it first, and I was like, "Uh, yeah, no, thank you.
" Yeah (EAR PIERCER CLICKS) (SCREAMS) So, pretty cool, right? It's your turn, Sophia.
Actually, I'm having second thoughts.
I think I'll get my belly button pierced instead.
Stacey! Going back in.
I'm sorry.
I saw you when I was ordering and just had to come over.
Let me stop you right there.
I have all the Girl Scout Cookies I can eat.
No, I'm actually a local talent agent, and I think you have a great look.
Is this the kind of compliment where I have to say something nice back to you? Because I got nothing.
No, I'm wondering if you've ever thought about modeling.
Oh, uh, I got too much to do to think about modeling.
Ooh, what time is it? I got to pick up my granddaughter at 2:30.
It's 9:00 a.
m.
Oh.
Right.
Well, if you are interested, stuff comes up all the time.
I actually have a client shooting an ad this weekend that you'd be perfect for.
Am I gonna get there and it's all nude stuff? No, you just have to sit there and look handsome, which shouldn't be hard for you.
For a guy your age, you really fill out those T-shirt sleeves.
JOHN: Hey.
We got any cucumber water? Oh.
Hey, Dad.
No, I made you a Mai Tai.
I had a couple sips of it, so I mm.
Yeah, I'm gonna make you another one.
Oh, I better not.
I-I got a photo shoot tomorrow.
GREG: A photo shoot, huh? You getting a new Costco card, or? No, dear, he's got a modeling job.
I mean, with those looks, I'm amazed it took so long.
That's great, Dad.
It could be a new career for you.
Yeah, well, sure, you know, I could be the new Marlboro Man.
Yeah.
After the last four died of that mysterious, unexplained illness.
I bet it was the cigarettes.
JOHN: Well, it should be a fun ride.
My agent Hillary thinks it could be a quick climb to the top.
(CAMERA CLICKING) Mr.
Short, you're doing great.
I thought the Riding Lift was a weight bench or something.
No, no.
It's the premier mobility system for the greatest generation.
We give people their upstairs back.
You know what would really sell it is me jogging in front of it.
No, no, that's how the last guy died.
Now smile, John.
Like at the top of the stairs, you're gonna get hot soup or a-a phone call from your kids.
I don't want either one of those; I just want to go home.
Oh, that's it.
Like you're looking into the abyss.
Great.
A little more drool.
Like your bones hurt.
JOAN: "Your story doesn't have to end at the first story.
" Well, that's very clever.
- It's garbage.
- Mm, yeah.
Uh, yeah.
It's a thinker.
I was trying to be nice.
No, not the ad, Joanie.
Me.
It makes me look like an old man.
I'm just glad they didn't use the one of me drooling.
It's just a job, honey.
It was depressing.
I just wanted something to do, something I could be proud of.
Oh, I'm proud of so much of what you do.
Can we go somewhere with stairs? - The house has stairs.
- No, I know, but I-I want people to see me using them.
I'm sorry.
You know, I-I thought there would be stairs here.
You don't realize how flat most coffee shops are.
You think people saw me stepping up on that curb? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
Uh, when you go up and down the curb that many times, - people tend to notice.
- Mm.
(PHONE VIBRATING) Dear, I think you're sitting on your phone again.
Oh.
It's Hillary.
Nah, no way.
I'm not talking to her.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.
Well, maybe the next job would be for soft ice cream.
With my luck, they'll give me a catheter spread.
- (CHUCKLES) - But, you know, that might pay extra, because it's above the knee nudity.
(LAUGHS): Oh, stop.
Hey, do I know you? Are you from Squadron 306? No.
Were you buying a tomato in the grocery store yesterday? No.
Then we don't know each other.
Oh, wait a minute.
You're the Riding Lift guy.
Oh, you saw his ad! Yeah, I bought one.
When I saw a rugged fella like this using it, I wasn't embarrassed anymore.
(CHUCKLES): Well, it's always nice to meet a fan.
I can't wait to go home and tell my wife I met the Riding Lift guy! And now I can actually go upstairs and see her.
You sure you don't want to keep modeling? - Eh.
Hmm? - (PHONE VIBRATING) Hillary.
Go for John.
- (MAN GRUNTS) - Oh! That nice man just fell off the curb.
(CAMERA CLICKING) Looking good, John.
(MONITOR BEEPING) Yeah, get tight on the bicep.
I'm really getting this blood pressure cuff beeping.
Oh, cool! Now it's telling me to call 1-1-6.
I think you're looking at it upside down.
- What? - It's telling you to call 9-1-1.
John, your blood pressure's through the roof.
We should take you to a hospital.
Yeah.
After you get the shot.
(MONITOR BEEPING FASTER) He's good.
(LAUGHS) (GROANING) Oh.
I drank too much.
Oh.
Oh, I drank too much and I am so hungover.
Oh, me, too.
That preschool fund-raising auction was insane.
Mm-hmm.
Did I do something to embarrass myself? I didn't do anything stupid, did I, babe? No, honey.
No.
You just You did a dance for everyone.
- What? - You fashion-policed all of their outfits.
- Oh - And then, when we walked all the way home, you did a comedy routine with the mailbox.
- It was awesome.
It was really funny.
- It does sound good.
What is in my mouth? Ah! Is that my lung? Oh, no.
No, I'm remembering now.
That's chewing tobacco.
Yeah, you made us stop and get it, and then you were yelling how you were a baseball player, and you threw a rock at our car.
- There's hair in it.
- Ugh.
LARK: Mommy, I'm hungry! (BOTH GROAN) - Honey, can you go get her some cereal? - What?! No.
I'm just as hungover as you are.
No.
Whoever gets out of bed first.
(GRUNTS) Uh-oh.
It sounds like you fell.
You okay, honey? GREG: Jen, come out here! What is it? What? (GASPS) JEN (QUIETLY): Oh, my God.
She made herself breakfast.
She's a cereal genius.
You know what? Of all the words to follow "cereal," "genius" is definitely the best.
GREG: Does this mean that we can go back to bed? And by bed, does that mean that I can just lay on a towel by the toilet, please? I don't know.
I'm afraid if we move and disturb her, this will all go away.
Oops.
I forgot my napkin.
- Now, now.
- Okay.
You want? I really think I came back to life after that fifth piece.
No, I'm good.
I am kind of thirsty, though.
- Would you get me some water? - Oh, honey.
Sure, Mommy.
Greg, what if this morning wasn't a fluke? I mean, it's like we woke up, and suddenly she can do anything.
Eh, I don't know.
I think it's best to assume she's just gonna bring back toilet water.
LARK: You want ice, Mommy? Uh, sure, honey.
Thanks.
Honestly, do you realize how much time and effort this could save us? Like, I haven't done laundry in two weeks.
I think she would be very good at it.
That is crazy.
She's three years old.
I mean, can I really trust her with my whites? Here, Mommy.
And for you, Daddy.
Thank you, sweetie.
I don't care if it's toilet water.
- JEN: Hi.
- Hey, girl, hey.
Babe, I killed it at work today.
I was so well-rested, I made another lawyer cry.
You know how hard that is to do? Well, I have to think in three dimensions to do this, so, yeah.
Is that the 3-D puzzle you started before Lark was born? Mm-hmm.
Honey, it was the strangest thing today.
I actually got bored.
Bored.
No.
Like a 20-something.
Like a 20-something.
I mean, Lark is basically taking care of herself.
Oh, she's taking care of all of us.
- This morning, she found my keys.
- What? Yeah.
They were in her toilet, but still.
Who knew that kids could be more than a burden, huh? (SCOFFS) Hey, where is she? Isn't it her - Yeah.
- No.
Putting herself to bed.
Wow.
Good night, Bunny.
Good night, Frankenstein.
Okay.
She's wearing her pajamas backwards, but beggars can't be choosers.
I can't believe I'm saying this I have more time than I know what to do with.
Hmm, I think I know what you could do with it.
Oh, I like the sound of this.
Yeah, let's get in the bedroom before I realize you're interpreting this as us finishing a puzzle.
(JEN GIGGLING) That looks so pretty.
Ooh, who got some work done? Uh, not me, but it's-it's fun that you think I would.
- Well, you're glowing.
- Oh.
You're both glowing.
Well, I mean, we both look great - because we feel great.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, Lark is so self-sufficient now.
She's like that robot that's learned to love but also comb her own hair.
Yeah.
Watch this.
Lark, honey, go get Pop-Pop his drink.
Sure.
Look at her go.
Ah.
She's got a heavy hand with that rum there.
Well, you can't teach that.
That's just God-given.
GREG: I'm telling you, it's like Jen and I can finally Oh, no, no, no, no! Hey, that's my rum.
So, wait, how long do I put this in for? Three minutes, and stir, then one more minute.
Then you eat it all up.
That's right.
- See you 100 minutes.
- Okay.
Honey, she can do math.
I mean, I don't mean to overstate things, but I think she can get a job.
And not some entry-level job.
I'm talking, like, second-in-charge at Jamba Juice job.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
This is incredible.
We have our lives back, Jen.
You know? We can have hobbies.
We can make plans.
We can find out about the news the day it happens.
And best of all, I get you back.
(CHUCKLES) I'm pregnant.
I know, me, too.
Wait, what? We're gonna have a baby.
Are you kidding me? (CHUCKLING): No.
We're gonna have a baby.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - I love you.
- I love you, too.
Is there any way that you could just hold it inside until it's Lark's age? (LAUGHING) No, but don't worry.
We'll find a way to get our freedom back.
Okay.
Hey, Larkie.
Come here for a sec.
We're gonna show you how to change a diaper.