Lost In Space (1965) s03e21 Episode Script

[ Robot, Imitating Town Crier .]
10:00 and all is well.
Evening, Major West.
One minute past 10:00 and all is well.
One minute past 10:00 and all is well.
Halt! Who goes there? Answer! Who goes? Where are you? Speak! Where are you? Who are you? What are you? I see you there.
[ Electronic Screeching .]
- [ Crackling .]
- Oh, no.
Not now.
What a time for the power to go out.
[ Sighs .]
Even reserve circuit.
I wonder if the Robot-- [ Electronic Screeching .]
- [ Voice #1, Whispering .]
That one? - [ Voice #2 .]
No, not that one.
- That one? - No, not that one.
- [ Switch Clicks .]
- [ Penny .]
Don, is that you? What happened to the lights? Don? I thought I heard voices, but it's so dark.
Oh, well.
Don will get the lights fixed in the morning.
Go back to sleep.
Is that one a possibility? Yes, that one is a definite possibility.
Good morning.
Don! What happened to you? I, uh-- I bumped my head in a fall last night.
- You what? - Well, the power went out, and I guess I tripped in the dark.
When I came upstairs this morning there was our-- ahem-- brave leader lying flat on the floor.
I didn't hear any alarms or anything.
What do you suppose happened? Search me.
But nothing crossed our radar net.
Must've just been a cosmic electrical disturbance.
Hmm.
The Robot short-circuited at the same time, but he's all right now.
[ Will .]
Don! I got it working! - If you can give me a hand we can get it going.
- [ Hissing .]
There's some rain clouds up there.
The rainmakers.
Why don't you put on some feathers and do a little dance? This is nothing to kid about.
The drought's getting worse.
Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
Look, you two.
If you have nothing better to do, why don't you check out the radar site? All right.
- [ Popping .]
- Will you stop that fearful din? Never have I seen such a ridiculous, childish experiment.
Suppose you hit something up there-- a lonely high-flying bird or a poor innocent traveler in space.
Hold it, Will! - [ Lightning Crackles, Thunder .]
- Look out! I knew it! The whole sky is falling! - [ Robot Coughs .]
- You all right? - What happened? - I don't know.
- It got so dark.
- [ Lightning, Thunder Continue .]
[ Man .]
Are you the only life-forms on this planet? Because if you are, you simply won't do at all.
- I've heard that voice before someplace.
- So have I.
You what? What's that you say? Farnum.
You're Mr.
Farnum.
The great Farnum B.
, showman of the cosmos.
[ Chortles .]
Oh, what a delightful surprise.
Oh, Judy, the fair Judy, and Penny, my child.
How are you? Oh, imagine finding you two on this planet! - Well, it's a small universe.
- Yes, isn't it? - [ Beeping .]
- [ Gasps .]
Be careful of that thing, blockhead.
Oh, put it down.
You have work to do.
- It's a girl.
- And a humanoid.
Humanoid? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
She's nothing but my agent.
Hi, kids.
I'm Nancy Pi Squared.
How do you do, Miss Squared? Yes, and you'll be cubed if you don't hustle us up some talent.
Our backer said to investigate this planet so go investigate.
- Go, go, go, go! Mmm.
- Your backer? I wonder what he expects us to find on this planet, Mr.
Farnum.
You know, the message was so urgent last night.
There must be some, oh, very special type creature here.
- Don't you think so? - Oh, of course! Mmm, hundreds of them.
Go bring them in.
Sign them up.
Sign them all up! Get me contestants, stupid.
I can't very well put on a show without contestants, now can I? Hmm? Go on.
Go.
- Show? Contestants? - Yes.
The most colossally stupendous show in all outer space.
Oh, my dears, at last your old friend Farnum B.
has struck it rich.
Hit the big time.
Landed in the main tent in the center spotlight.
- [ Chortles .]
- Speaking of light, what did you do to all of ours? Oh, dreadfully sorry.
[ Chirping, Beeps .]
- How'd you do that? - [ Chuckles .]
Merely a clever little device provided by my backer in the event that any of our contestants should prove to be light-sensitive.
Oh, I would love to stay and chat with you girls but, as you know, the show must go on! But Mr.
Farnum, what kind of show? You never told us.
Well, I'll have you know that I, the great Farnum B.
once proprietor of a lowly zoo am now master impresario of all feminine pulchritude.
Producer of the one and only beauty pageant in all these heavens! A beauty pageant? Yes, to select the most beautiful female life-form there is-- Miss Galaxy! - Isn't that exciting? - [ Both .]
Yes! What a pity neither one of you qualifies.
Oh, well.
Come on, Dr.
Smith.
This is the way Judy and Penny said he went.
Good riddance to him, I must say.
Really, William.
I have no interest at all in visiting a fraud like Farnum.
Never trust anyone in show business.
That is my rule.
He has obviously come here to borrow from us or to steal.
[ Yelps .]
- [ Will .]
What's that? - Good heavens.
That, my boy, is Miss Outer Teutonium.
Isn't she charming? - Mr.
Farnum.
- Will, Will! Oh, you young rascal, you.
[ Chortles .]
It's good to see you, boy.
Here, have an ice cream cone.
- Thanks.
- Well, Mr.
Farnum, I see you're back.
And you, sir.
I suppose you've come to borrow my champagne and steal my caviar.
[ Gasps .]
Well, sir.
Neither a borrower nor a stealer be.
How some ever-- [ Swishes .]
Domestic.
Well, that's the best I could do on such short notice.
Mr.
Farnum, what an unusual-looking lady.
Friend of yours? - Mmm, business acquaintance, you might say.
- I see.
To what, may I ask do we owe the rather dubious pleasure of your reappearance here among us? Come along with me.
Come along.
[ Chuckles .]
Ta-da! There, Dr.
Smith, does that answer your question? - Yes, it does.
- Boy, running a beauty pageant must be good business.
The secret of being a great showman-- like me-- is in having a backer who has scads and scads of money.
- Oh, I quite agree.
- Well, who is your backer? - I mean, who's paying for all this? - A lover of beauty, of course.
Tell me, have you noticed that new dark planet that's been floating around-- that strange, shadowy one? - As a matter of fact, my dad's kind of worried about it.
- And so am I.
[ Chuckles .]
Everyone is.
They don't even know who lives up there.
But they are obviously the most powerful creatures in all the heavens.
Well, let me tell you that my backer-- my sponsor, you might say-- is none other than the supreme and deadly dictator of that entire world.
And he's quite rich, you said? - Mmm.
- Well, what's he like? What is he? Who knows? My agent got me this job by radio.
[ Chuckles .]
Come along.
I'd like you to meet some of our lovely semifinalists.
This is Miss Moon Floss and Miss Inner Platminium.
- How do you do? - Oh! Miss K-14.
She has many unusual qualities, as you can plainly see.
Yes.
How do you do, my dear? No, thank you.
Thank you.
- [ Chuckles .]
- Oh, boss? Mr.
Farnum? I-I've got a possibility here.
Wh-- One? Only one? - What's the matter with you? - There's not very much growing on this planet.
Careful.
She's very shy.
Oh.
Oh! You've got her photograph already.
And she's signed the contract! [ Chortles .]
Welcome.
Welcome, my child.
Now, if you'll all excuse me a moment-- - I am Dr.
Zachary Smith.
- I'm Nancy Pi Squared.
- How do you do? And this is-- - Miss Fishtail.
Miss Fishtail.
You look charming, my dear.
I hope that you will win.
[ Chuckling, Muttering .]
Mr.
Farnum, wait.
I don't get it, sir.
What's the matter? Don't you think that any of the contestants out there are beautiful enough to be Miss Galaxy? No.
I mean, I don't wanna seem rude, but-- [ Chuckles .]
Beauty, my boy, is in the eye of the beholder.
Now, if you were a-- a fish would you think that a lady grizzly bear was beautiful? Of course not.
Is he a fish? Oh, I told you.
I haven't the slightest idea what His Highness is.
He could be any conceivable life-form.
And I haven't the slightest idea what he'll think is beautiful either.
I don't even think that he knows what he likes.
Boy, that can make it tough.
Oh, no.
Not really.
You see, his advance men pick out a likely planet, and I sign up the contestants.
All I have to do is to collect one of everything.
Don't you see? Then I'm bound to produce a winner that he'll like.
But that could take years and years! Come here.
I'll show you.
See, fortunately the female of every species enjoys having her picture taken.
[ Chuckles .]
Now, I merely put her photograph in here - [ Clacking, Bell Ringing .]
- then her contract.
You see, each eager little contestant must sign a contract, naturally.
The dictator's most insistent on that.
There.
Now, watch.
Watch over here.
For every photograph I put in that machine, I get paid.
- Look! Look! - Wow! Oh! [ Laughs .]
Squandros, my boy.
One thousand squandros.
Gold coins good anywhere in the heavens! Oh, did ever a producer have such a deal, such a sucker for a sponsor? - [ Coins Rattling .]
- [ Chuckles .]
Oh! [ Shouts, Giggles .]
Now he's even accepted her as a semifinalist.
[ Cackles .]
Oh, this is my lucky day! Now I can leave this planet and move on to greener fields.
- [ Cackles, Gasps .]
- What's the matter, sir? Come, come.
I've shown you too much already.
Run! Run, boy! What are you doing here? How dare you interrupt.
You have violated our agreement.
I've signed another contestant, haven't I? I've come to the planet you told me about, haven't I? - You are wasting time, Farnum.
- Get out of here! My contract is with your master, not with you.
I won't allow you to intimidate me.
You sought to leave this planet before you had completed your assigned mission.
You are wrong.
Ha, ha, ha! I just signed a charming young thing.
Wait till you see her.
Such lovely iridescent scales.
- [ Chuckles .]
- But there are others here.
- Just some secondary life-forms and a few tiresome humanoids.
- Yes.
Yes, the humanoids.
Who could possibly be interested in them? All pink and soft and utterly useless.
The pale-haired female humanoid must be signed.
Judy? That's impossible.
I refuse.
I'm an independent artist.
I-I won't stand for this sort of treatment.
You'll have to speak to my agent.
I refuse to discuss it further! No dictator can pull me around like a puppet on a string.
- [ Electronic Screeching .]
- [ Screams .]
Help! Somebody! Something! Help! Ah, it's about time.
Fine agent you are.
Get those hideous creatures out of here! Take it easy, boss.
I'll see if I can negotiate.
Do something.
Get me down! Just leave it to Nancy.
- Okay, boys.
What's the trouble? - His time is up.
- We have given him commands from our mysterious master.
- Commands? Farnum must deliver today or else.
Oh! They've gone.
Gloriosky, they've gone, those presumptuous monsters.
What did they tell you? Deliver what? How dare they try to intimidate me.
- The deal's off.
I'll break the contract! - You can't break the contract.
- And why not? - Well, to get you all that money, I-- Well, I had to give him some little concession.
What little concession? Well, I-- I-- I sold him your soul.
You sold him my soul? Hmm.
Oh! Now they want me to sign Judy too.
I guess that's it.
Or else.
Or else? Or else what? [ Screaming .]
[ Screaming Continues .]
All right, Your Highness.
Anything you say.
Anything at all, I'll do it.
I'll do it, only please let me down.
Stop the fire.
Put it out.
Oh, please! [ Whimpering .]
Oh.
[ Panting .]
Oh.
[ Grunts, Sighs .]
- [ Gasps, Shudders .]
- Well, here it is, boss.
Clause 15.
Here.
Help me up.
[ Grunting .]
- What are you babbling about? - Where it says you sold your soul.
This is your contract, boss, with His Mysterious Highness.
Oh, who bothers to read contracts anyway? Besides, his emissaries now tell me that he wants Judy as a contestant too.
And you told me that His Highness didn't like humanoids.
Well, I guess I was wrong.
That's all.
You see, I put my picture in the machine and it rejected it so I guess it's just me they don't think is pretty enough to be a contestant.
I quite agree.
Here, what else does this thing say? And why Judy? Do they want her soul too? - [ Warbling .]
- But of course.
Mine not to question why, mine but to cheat and lie.
Hah! - [ Warbling .]
- [ Gasps .]
I hear you, dark master.
My soul is yours.
Who cares about Judy Robinson anyhow? Hmm.
I'll sign her up myself! I hear and I obey.
[ Cackles .]
But what if I don't want to be in a beauty pageant? But you have to be! I mean, every girl would like to be Miss Galaxy, wouldn't she? Hmm? Course she would.
And all you have to do is sign your name right there on the dotted line.
- But this morning you said she wasn't even qualified.
- I did? Well, now my mind's been changed.
I was blind, stupid.
And just think of it.
The idol of the heavens.
Your name in lights.
Judy Robinson! Judy Robinson! Just sign right here.
Oh, what does this silly paper say, anyway? Oh, never mind about that.
You can read it later.
Sign now, read later.
I don't know I could.
The print's so small.
Ten million squandros.
That's what the winner will receive.
Ten million squandros.
That's all you need to know.
Sign right here.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Farnum, but my answer is still "No.
" Oh, Judy.
Please.
Pretty please.
It's just not my style.
I don't wanna be in anybody's beauty pageant.
And that's all there is to it.
Come on, Penny.
Let's fix lunch.
[ Grumbles, Stomps Feet .]
What's going on here, may I ask? Have you nothing better to do than to waste your time in idle stargazing? No, sir.
That's the planet where Mr.
Farnum's backer, the mysterious dictator, lives.
Now I figure that if we can get enough data on it from the spectrum telescope then maybe the Robot can figure out what life-form could exist there.
Then that will tell us what he is, and once we know that-- I have no interest in alien life-forms, be they here, there, or wheresoever.
Dr.
Smith, don't you see? That'll tell us what he thinks is beautiful and then we'll know what life-form will win the contest.
William, I am deeply shocked that you would aid and abet that dreadful Farnum in his fraudulent schemes.
- Well, why not? - Do you think for a moment he would share his ill-gotten squandros with you? Oh, no.
Not even a proper thank you would you get for your pains.
[ Sighs .]
- Robot, I've got the readings.
- [ Smith .]
I don't see a thing.
There's a methane 67 gas layer around the planet and its surface is radioactive cobalt.
It still does not compute.
What life-form could live there? A reptile, perhaps? - What? - I loathe reptiles.
Well, excuse me for eavesdropping, but-- With a climate such as that, I've often wondered if the dictator and his people couldn't be some form of reptilian life.
Perhaps of the pocket dragon type.
Sure.
And you don't have any reptile in the contest yet, do you? He doesn't need one, William.
He himself satisfies all the requirements.
[ Inhales .]
Unfortunately, Will I just haven't been able to catch a female one.
- You mean, you know where there are some? - Oh, yes.
As a matter of fact, there's a pocket dragon quite close to here.
Only I wasn't nearly clever enough.
She almost scratched my head off.
- A quite natural reaction.
Bully for her.
- I'll bet I could catch her.
Oh, how? I couldn't do it, not even with a net.
Of course not.
But you don't have two sisters like I have.
We'll use butter.
Butter? The boy is bereft of his senses.
Why don't you come and watch, Dr.
Smith? Perhaps this will give you an idea too.
We shall see, Mr.
Farnum.
We shall see.
[ Will .]
There's one now.
Easy.
Look out, boy.
[ Will .]
Wait.
It's moving towards the bait.
A mirror? What will that prove? Took it.
It proves she's a girl.
- [ Wolf Whistle .]
- Oh.
And she thinks she's pretty.
So what more could you want? Now you see how easy it is.
Now all you've got to do is sign her up.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, my boy.
You are an absolute genius.
- Genius, indeed.
- [ Dragon .]
Oh.
Oh.
- [ Cackles .]
- I don't see that we've gained very much.
Oh, just wait and see, Dr.
Smith.
- Just wait and see.
- Oh.
Now, my dear, if you'll just put your name on this dotted line? - [ Dragon .]
Oh.
- There we are.
[ Chuckles .]
There we are.
One thousand squandros.
Half for me and half of it is for you.
- Thanks! - You're giving the boy five hundred squandros? Yes, of course.
He found her, didn't he? Finders keepers.
- [ Coins Rattling .]
- She's a semifinalist.
Oh! Oh, good! Oh, and again more.
Half for me and half for you, Billy.
- [ Laughs .]
- Ah, Mr.
Farnum? Will these machines work for anyone? Of course, of course.
There's plenty for all.
The girl's photograph and her signed contract-- that's all that one needs.
I see.
It occurs to me that there must be scores of young women running about eager to sign contracts.
Oh, but there's the trouble, Dr.
Smith.
There are some girls who simply don't want to be in beauty contests.
Like, uhJudy, for example.
Judy doesn't? Quite obviously, you did not approach her in the proper fashion.
Perhaps if I were to explain it to her-- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Never argue with a woman, I always say.
[ Chuckles .]
But if only we had a photograph of someone as beautiful as Judy and if only we had her flowing signature on a lovely contract.
[ Chortles .]
Would you excuse me? There is an urgent matter that demands my immediate consideration.
Where are you going? [ Cackles .]
Dr.
Smith, no! You just don't understand.
You can't enter someone in a beauty pageant until they sign a contract.
William, just tell me where Farnum keeps those contracts.
- I don't know.
I'll go ask him.
- That won't be necessary.
There's no reason for us to divide the money with him, William.
After all, Judy belongs to us, doesn't she? Now where can they be? - Probably here.
- Dr.
Smith-- Ah, yes.
Here they are.
- Shh! - [ Will .]
"Judy Ro--" Judy Robinson! Dr.
Smith, that's forgery.
Nonsense, William.
I have her involuntary power of attorney, do I not? Her what? No! Dr.
Smith, wait, wait! This is where I put it in, I believe.
Yes.
I must remember how to work this.
Press this and that.
Good.
- Now I must press this button.
- [ Clacking .]
Good.
William, I take full responsibility for this.
You will thank me for it in the long run.
You will all thank me.
Judy will thank me.
In you go.
- [ Bell Rings .]
- Now for the contract.
This dial so and this dial so.
- And in it goes-- - It's not-- [ Bell Ringing .]
Oh, lovely, William.
We've hit the jackpot.
She's been accepted.
[ Shouts, Stammers .]
[ Horn .]
[ Both Coughing .]
- Dr.
Smith, are you all right? - [ Gasps .]
What's wrong? What is it? - Cheater.
Liar.
Thief.
- What? No! I've done what you told me to do.
We've signed up Judy Robinson.
- My man in there is putting her contract-- - Forger.
- Forger? Oh, boss.
- Unless you obey our master unless you make Judy Robinson enter the beauty contest of her own free will you will be nothing.
Your whole planet will be nothing.
But I don't want to be in a beauty pageant.
How many times do I have to tell you that? Genuine cosmic gopheron fur for your very own.
Oh! Diamonds and rubies.
Wouldn't you like some jewels? - Why is it so important to you, Mr.
Farnum? - You keep out of this! Oh, Judy.
Judy, please.
If you'll just put your own name right here.
Right here, hmm? [ Grumbles .]
Fiddle-faddle! [ Gasps .]
Where have you been? I have been observing with interest.
I wanted you to see for yourself how hopeless it was.
- Oh, it's hopeless.
Hopeless! - For you, yes, but not for me.
There will of course be no question about the size of my personal commission.
Oh, no.
Anything.
Anything! [ Spits .]
Very well, sir.
Now do stand aside and observe as a consummate master of his craft takes over.
Ah, good day to all, and to all a good day.
Now then, what have we here? Mr.
Farnum was gonna give all this to Judy if she'd sign up for his pageant.
Judy? Let me see.
Oh, no.
No, dear.
It's a silly idea, and he's a silly man.
It's perfectly ridiculous.
Did you hear that, Major? - What? - Judy in a beauty contest.
She wouldn't stand a chance.
No, dear.
No need to conceal your amusement, Major.
We could all do with a good laugh right now.
Don, were you laughing? No.
But, uh, it is a pretty silly idea.
What's so silly about it, the idea of me being in a beauty contest? Well, I don't know, uh-- The picture of you parading around, I guess.
Uh, I don't know.
It's ridiculous.
- Ridiculous? - Aw, come on.
Let's forget the whole thing, huh? It's perfectly ridiculous, my dear.
Now, no offense meant, but you couldn't possibly win against all those beautiful models.
- I what? - At any rate since the major does not want you to enter the contest at all I wouldn't dream of going against his orders.
His orders? Who does he think he is? I'll show him.
Give me that pen.
Sign here, my dear.
- Lovely.
- Ah.
[ Warbling .]
[ Cackles, Chortles .]
Hah, hah.
[ Nancy .]
All right, darling.
That's it.
Come slowly down the runway.
That's fine.
Not quite so much wiggle.
Perfect.
Keep your head up though, dear.
Keep your head-- Lovely.
- Lovely.
Simply lovely.
- [ Cackles .]
Oh, boss.
I don't know about this.
What if Judy wins? Do you have any idea what's going to happen to her? No.
I don't want to know.
All I care about is delivering this contest, so I can get my soul back.
Yes, and once I get it back I'm going to fire my agent and get out of here.
- I've got the flags, Mr.
Farnum.
- Oh, good.
- Is there really one here from every planet? - Yes, indeed.
They go behind the pedestals over there.
Come along, child.
I'll help you.
[ Penny .]
I guess there's nothing as patriotic as a beauty pageant.
All right, Miss Fish.
You're next.
Come up, dear.
That's enough, thank you.
Come straight ahead.
Now walk very slowly down the runway.
That's it.
- Now keep your head up.
Arms down.
- Miss Pi Squared? - Yes.
- Might I have a word with you? - Well, I'm quite busy.
- A very important word.
I should like to ask you, my dear whether you feel that there might be room for another contestant.
- Hmm? - Another type of beauty.
Just to make sure that His Highness is pleased.
I'd certainly like to find someone else besides Judy who could possibly win the prize.
Precisely.
Someone who might share her prize money with us.
Some lovely girl who might be willing to divide her winning squandros with you and with me.
- But who? - Miss Pi Squared do you happen to know what form of life this dictator really is? No, that's the trouble.
That's the one thing I don't know about him.
Perhaps I can help you.
Now please follow carefully my rather clever reasoning.
It's quite obvious that he is far more advanced than anyone in our wretched, primitive galaxy.
- Wouldn't you say? - Of course he is.
That's what makes him so dangerous.
And if indeed he is, would he still be so childish as to think feathers are beautiful? Maybe not, but what else is there? The beauty of science, my dear.
The glistening skin of a polished machine.
The precision of a computerized girl who never talks back.
Behold.
A robot? - But he's a male robot.
- Check.
- Double check.
- Be still, ninny.
I grant you that her voice is a bit deep right now but with certain rearrangements and with some minor rerecording anything is possible.
And my dear Miss Pi Squared, I must tell you that I have noticed and admired your sweet dainty voice.
It does not compute.
Shall we? It does not.
It really does not compute.
It does not compute.
Judy? Beauty contests.
Huh.
"I, the undersigned applicant, do hereby--" Judy? Penny? Where is everyone? [ Sighs .]
Boy, I bet Don will notice you now.
Mmm.
I just hope he isn't too mad to come and watch when he finds out I'm here.
- [ Clapping .]
- [ Farnum .]
All right, girls.
Places, now.
Places for the dress rehearsal.
- [ Chattering .]
- Here, let me help you with that hair, dear.
[ Chuckles .]
Off you go.
Oh, this is exciting.
so beautiful.
And remember to keep your tummy in.
- Everybody go.
Come on, girls.
- Oh, brilliant idea.
- Over there.
On the pedestals.
- Oh, very excited.
Miss Squared? Shall I sing my song now? Well, I guess you may as well, honey.
I was sort of waiting for something else, but I don't know.
All right, girls.
Up on your pedestals now.
[ Smith .]
Stop.
Stop at once.
Stop, I say.
Ladies and gentlemen, I should like to present my contestant Miss Mechanical Marvel.
[ Will .]
Our Robot.
Dr.
Smith, really.
Dr.
Smith, what are you trying to do, wreck my show? Of all the nerve.
Get that pile of junk out of here! Junk, sir? [ Nancy's Voice .]
Well, I never.
I beg your pardon.
A girl.
It's a girl robot.
Dr.
Smith, I'm frightened.
Who is that awful man? Well, I never.
Come, come now, my dear child.
Calm yourself.
He's a silly, stupid creature.
Oh.
Oh, please.
Please excuse me, young lady.
Oh, how stupid of me.
I didn't understand.
I am not even sure I want to stay here.
Oh please, you must, my dear.
We need you.
The last semifinalist-- a mechanical girl.
- Oh, Zach! - Zach, indeed.
- Smitty.
- How dare you, sir address a lady like this in this gauche manner.
Oh, I'm sorry, my dear.
Won't you please take the second pedestal? - May I? - You may.
Oh, a thing of beauty is a joy forever.
[ Laughing .]
Well I-- [ Indistinct .]
Oh, no.
I can't stand it.
- [ Laughing Continues .]
- [ Farnum .]
Oh, Smitty, we have done it.
Bring up the curtain.
At last I'll have a hit! [ Cackles .]
No thanks to you.
[ Chuckles .]
That dirty double-crossing-- "It is understood and agreed" "that the winner of this contest, Miss Galaxy, will travel to--" [ Engine Noise .]
[ Smith .]
Major! Major? - A starship has just landed.
- Did you read the fine print in this contract? - Major, a contract is a contract.
They're all the same.
- Not this one.
Read it.
Fine print? Whoever bothers with fine print? The fine print in that contract reads that the winner of this contest must live in their galaxy forever.
Now come on.
We're getting out of here.
Places, everyone, places! He's coming! He's coming! Do you mind, please? Thank you.
Come along, Judy.
Take your place up on the pedestal.
That's a girl.
Here's your candelabra.
There you are, my dear.
[ Laughs .]
- Please.
I'm trying to put on a show! - Behold! Behold! His Awesome Magnificence.
The supreme and dreadful ruler of the most powerful galaxy in space.
Behold and tremble.
The mysterious dictator.
Welcome, Your Exalted Magnificence.
I, Farnum B.
, present the greatest show in the cosmos.
Sing, Penny, sing.
- # Here's to thee # - Stop.
- He has chosen.
- At this moment, he has chosen.
Ten thousand years we have searched for such beauty.
[ Emissary .]
Step aside, Earthman.
[ Electronic Screeching .]
You are the one.
It is you who will be our Miss Galaxy.
You who will come to live with us forever.
- Behold your new master.
- [ Shrieks .]
Fire? He's nothing but fire.
Ten thousand years we have lived without beauty on our galaxy.
Ten thousand years we have searched for such cool, cool beauty as yours.
- [ Gasps .]
- Come with me.
- You will be our beauty queen forever.
- No! [ Gasps .]
- Judy! - [ Shrieks .]
Get away from her! Get away! One moment please, sir.
One moment.
What happened to her? What have you done to her? Well, it-it's-it's quite all right, Your-Your-Your Magnificence.
Uh-- She merely fainted.
The sight of your handsome visage was too much for the girl, that's all.
Your heated brow.
Those flashing eyes.
- Just give her some time.
- Very well.
- [ Flames Crackling .]
- Prepare her.
I shall come for her in ten minutes.
Ten minutes.
But beware, Farnum.
If we are not safely away with her in ten minutes you and this whole planet will be destroyed in flames.
Major? What in the world is happening? - Will, let's set the force field.
- Right.
[ Penny .]
Here they come! All systems are ready, Don.
All right, Will.
You and the girls get below.
- Oh, come on! - Do as I say! Get below! Let's go.
Oh, good heavens.
They're approaching.
Saints preserve us.
- His men are carrying the prize money.
- Saints preserve it.
- [ Electronic Whine .]
- [ Warbling .]
- [ Whine Stops .]
- Nothing's happening.
- [ Normal Voice .]
He is immune.
- I'll double the current.
[ Electronic Whine, Warbling Resume .]
- [ Electronic Screeching .]
- That's as high as it'll go.
He's still coming.
- Do something, booby! - He is immune, I say.
Nothing can stop him.
Silence, you cowardly junk! Major, the lasers.
It's our last chance.
No.
If I shoot him, he'll know it's war.
That ridiculous rain contraption of yours-- it might work.
Yeah, there's a chance, but somebody's got to stall them for a few minutes.
Farnum! - You got us into this mess.
Get out there and stall 'em.
- What, me? Yes, of course you.
It's all your fault.
Yes.
[ Chuckles .]
Yes, of course I'll handle it.
Don't worry about a thing.
The great Farnum B.
will arrange everything for you.
No! I sold his soul.
He'll double-cross us.
Take your hands off me, you stupid girl! I'm coming, master! [ Yells .]
All right, Smith.
Looks like it's up to you.
Me? Certainly not.
He knows I'm not strong enough.
[ Hissing .]
You, sir, my stalwart companion, get out there and deal with those creatures.
You heard the major, Dr.
Smith.
Move.
- Just you wait.
- I said, move! [ Hissing Continues .]
I can't do it.
I'm frightened.
- What will I say? - You'll think of something, Dr.
Smith.
Of course.
I have a brilliant idea.
Just tidying up.
You see, I wasn't expecting any visitors.
Quickly, ninny, put these on.
You shouldn't have taken them off in the first place.
Go! And come back! Peace, gentlemen.
I come in peace.
You have given us a warm welcome.
Ah, yes, the force field.
Don't speak of it, Your Worship.
But what is that? What is he doing? That? That is music.
You see, when Miss Galaxy travels anywhere, there must always be music.
Isn't it beautiful? I do not know.
For ten thousand years, we have lived in our galaxy without such beauty.
But now that has changed.
Now we will take our beauty queen.
Yes, of course, Your Worship.
But as an outstanding doctor of intergalactic environmental psychology I must warn you that Judy is subject to very high temperatures.
She runs an enormous fever at the drop of a hat.
If you'll forgive my saying so, what you really need is a beauty queen who is compatible and healthy.
And I have just the one for you.
This lovely, gorgeous creature.
Why, do you know that he can withstand heat of 400 degrees Fahrenheit? I mean, she can.
- Can't you, my dear? - [ Nancy's Voice .]
Yes, I can.
Come on, baby.
Give us some rain.
And she's already packed and eager to go.
- Aren't you, my dear? - Yes, I am.
Stop! Enough! Miss Galaxy, where are you? It's not working.
[ Warbling .]
- [ Warbling Stops .]
- Summon her.
[ Warbling .]
[ Warbling Continues .]
[ Stops .]
[ Hissing, Popping .]
We will go now.
[ Hissing, Popping Continue .]
Come.
Take my hand.
[ Cackling .]
[ Gasps .]
Judy.
My soul.
Oh, stars and garters! I've got my soul back! [ Whimpering .]
Oh, Judy.
Judy, my child, are you all right? Stars and garters, my foot.
Oh, what a terrible experience.
I'm happy that's over with.
Oh, I'm so glad you girls have forgiven me.
- I was possessed, simply possessed! - You're all set, Mr.
Farnum.
- Your spaceship's repaired and ready for takeoff.
- Oh, thank you, my boy.
Don, I promise I will never be in another beauty pageant as long as I live.
And do you really promise? Well, you know, it was sort of fun having you come to my rescue like that.
- [ Laughs .]
- I know what you mean, Judy.
Sometimes it's just nice to be noticed for a change.
You know, the boss has even forgiven me for selling his soul? What are you talking about? I just don't want to lose a good agent, that's all.
Besides, it's time to start work on our next show.
Good-bye, everyone.
No rest for the wicked, you know.
- [ All Laughing .]
- Come along, girl.
- [ Sighs .]
- Well, we've got some work we have to finish up ourselves.
- Let's get to it.
- Right.
[ Thrusters Engaging .]
Well, there goes Mr.
Farnum.
Good riddance to that pompous popinjay.
It is devoutly to be wished that we never see him again.
I'm surprised he didn't stay for a curtain call.
[ Nancy's Voice .]
Good riddance.
[ Normal Voice .]
Ahem! Ahem! Good riddance, I say.
Oh, the pain, the pain of it all.