Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e21 Episode Script

I can't beIieve it.
What a morning to be Iate.
Oh, I'd Iike to get my hands on the guy who invented the snooze aIarm.
Morning, morning Oh, Mind, Iet me heIp you with those suckers.
Come on now, hon.
That's aII right.
Isn't that IoveIy? - Here we are.
- Thanks, Mork.
But I was trying to put the boot on.
Oh, I guess we start off the day on the wrong foot, huh? WeII, Mind, I'm reaIIy famished.
I feeI Iike Gandhi at a McDonaId's.
Come on now.
I feeI I can eat an aardvark's tongue.
Come on now, Mind.
Sorry, Mork, but I'm production coordinator on a new show today and I've gotta be at the studio in ten minutes.
You couId fix me a minute steak.
That'II give you nine minutes to spare.
You're gonna have to fix your own breakfast today.
And maybe dinner too.
It might be another Iate night.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Whoa, red Iight, whoa.
Stop, kemosabe.
Listen, you want moi to cook? Yeah, you're a big Orkan now.
I think you can handIe yourseIf in the kitchen.
And maybe cIeaning up around here too.
Wait a minute, Mind, Mind.
I draw the Iine right there.
I wiII not cook, cIean or do windows.
I am man.
Watch me sit.
Where'd you get that idea? Robert Petrie, Jim Anderson and Archie Bunker.
- Who? - Mr.
TeIevision.
WeII, Mork, that's a Iot of bunk.
TV isn't reaI Iife.
Oh, Mind, are you kidding? Then Ricky reaIIy doesn't Iove Lucy? Look, Mork, since I've been working, I just don't have enough time to do aII the things around the house.
I'm gonna need your heIp.
EnIightened Mork to the rescue.
But, pIease, don't make me cook, because I'II get thinner than RonaId Reagan's environmentaI budget.
Look, you traveIIed I think that you can pour yourseIf a bowI of cereaI.
Listen, I gotta run.
- WeII-- - I'II see you Iater.
Don't wait up.
It might be another Iate night.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Big kiss, Mindy-- She used to have time for a big kiss.
Now she hasn't even got time to pucker.
Oh, Mind, I knew you'd come-- Is the Iady of the house at home? Exidor.
Mork, is that you? Hey, what are we doing just standing here taIking? Come on in.
My, my, my.
Isn't this a deIightfuI home? Don't rush me, I'II get to the saIes pitch.
Good morning, sir or madam.
We represent the Exidor-to-Door Company.
ExcIusive distributors of these thingamajigs.
I'm sorry, Exidor, but I aIready have a thingamajig.
AII right, aII right.
I'II teII him what it does.
And why? Because this miracIe of modern technoIogy can do everything a maid can do, except steaI the siIverware.
And next week, we're putting out an attachment for that.
- Amazing.
- Yes.
The revoIutionary new Maid-O-Matic.
Exidor, does this reaIIy make housework easier? You don't want it? I know, I know.
Go to the hard seII.
You buy this gizmo, or you'II never see your wife and kids again.
- I'm not married.
- We have an attachment for that too.
Maybe I shouId buy this.
Mindy says I shouId be heIping her - with the cooking and cIeaning.
- What? Did you hear that, boys? The skirt's pushing him around.
- No, she isn't.
- Is.
- Isn't.
- Is.
The vote is 1 2 to 1 against you.
WeII, I guess she is.
But aII I wanted to do was make housework easier.
Mork, Mork.
You whimpering washrag.
PuII yourseIf together.
Who wears the pants in this house? You or the tomato? WeII, she does.
But, weII, this man's had enough, though.
I'm not gonna Iet her push me around, because I'm gonna be the best IittIe wifey Mindy ever had.
But I do draw the Iine at motherhood.
Boy, housework is a snap.
I don't know what Erma Bombeck's kvetching about aII the time.
WeII, Iet's see.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, Iook, brown and bIack, Mindy's favourite coIours.
She won't mind.
It couId keep the bugs away.
Let's see.
What we do now? WeII, I think I'II make a IittIe saIad for my breadwinner.
There we are.
Let's see, Iet's see.
Instructions.
''Put vegetabIes inside.
'' AII right, Iet's see.
Hey.
Hey.
Let's see.
''Turn on.
'' Wait a minute! Wait! Vesuvius.
Abandon-- Attention boys, abandon ship, abandon ship.
Save yourseIf.
What is going on? Jiminy crickets.
What in the worId is going on here, Mork? What are you trying to do, quaIify for a federaI disaster Ioan? Mr.
BickIey, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to heIp, and-- It Iooked easy at the time I was doing it.
Then aII of a suddenIike Krypton.
WeII, what did you expect? Housework isn't easy.
It's miserabIe, backbreaking, repetitive, unrewarding, non-paying Iabour.
And Iook what it's done to my hands.
That's horribIe.
They Iook Iike Iobsters at a tanning saIon.
Quick, caII Madge.
- Mindy made it aIways Iook so easy.
- WeII, it isn't.
And my wife didn't Iike it either.
She wanted to get a job, but I Iaid down the Iaw.
I toId her, her job was to cook the meaIs and take care of the house.
After that, we never had another probIem.
- Everything was dokey-okey, right? - Wrong.
She Ieft me.
You know, and I stiII miss the static on the TV when she'd vacuum under my feet.
I don't want Mindy to Ieave me.
You'd better caII her and find out how to run this pIace before it's too Iate.
I'II do that right away.
Five, four, three, two, cue music.
And WeIcome to Talk to Dr.
Lincoln.
A unique caII-in program to heIp you, the viewer, with your probIem.
And now, here's eminent IocaI psychoIogist, Dr.
Joni LincoIn.
Good afternoon.
For the next haIf-hour, I'II be taking your caIIs, and hopefuIIy heIping you get your Iife back on the track.
Our number is on your home screen and our Iines are open, so pIease caII in.
You'II be gIad you did.
And it's a Iot cheaper than an office visit.
There's our very first caIIer.
HeIIo, this is Dr.
LincoIn.
Dr.
Lincoln, l have been so paranoid lately.
lt seems like everybody is trying to get me.
I see.
And what--? What is your name, ma'am? Think you can trick me, huh? What kind of a fool do you think l am? Moving right aIong.
Let's try another caII.
HeIIo, this is Dr.
LincoIn.
Hi, this is Mork.
Good afternoon, Mork.
How can I heIp you? y es, may l talk to Mindy McConnell, please? I'II kiII him.
Mork, she's a IittIe busy right now.
Oh, that's all right, l'll wait.
l have a canasta game going.
Mork, Iook, I have to keep this Iine open.
CouId Mindy caII you back Iater? Kay-o.
Oh, that's Iive teIevision for you.
Let's try another caII.
HeIIo, this is Dr.
LincoIn, and your first name is? A short memory.
lt's Mork, remember now? Mork, I'm sorry.
But this Iine is in use for peopIe with probIems.
Oh, l know-- l know that, and l've got a real doozy going here.
Mindy can take care of it, if l could talk to her for a millisecond.
Please.
What is it, Mork? Mind, is that you? l can barely hear you, hon.
Can you hear me now? y es, Mind, and you look stunning.
How do you get zucchini stains off the ceiling? Why don't I heIp you with that when I get home? Bye, Mork.
y ou're not gonna wave and throw me a kiss like Dinah? What does that mean, Mind? Well, be home early.
And by the way, l love the show.
Especially the part, you know-- That lady should-- ls that a Princess phone? And now a word from our sponsor.
Oh, Dr.
LincoIn, I'm so embarrassed.
I-- I apoIogise.
It'II never happen again.
You must think I'm some kind of a Ioony.
No, Mindy, but I might suggest that this Mork come see me at the cIinic.
What is it now, Mork? Oh, Mr.
Sternhagen.
Yes, I'II be right in to see you.
I knew it was too good to Iast.
Mork.
Mork.
Mork? Oh, there is my IoveIy, mobiIe career woman.
HeIIo, hon.
Gonna have dinner on the tabIe before we can say Poppin' Fresh.
Say, hi.
''Poppin' Fresh.
'' Too Iate.
Oh, Iook at this.
Got a IittIe bun in the oven for you here.
Hot potato, hot pota-- Nothing says Ioving Iike something from the oven.
Mork, I aImost Iost my job today.
Oh, hon, I know work was such a hard, hard thing today.
Come on.
Why don't you just sit down now and reIax? You just sit down and rest those IittIe tired bones and tootsies.
- No probIem, there.
- Mork, I don't-- Whoa, no, no, no.
There's your IittIe pipe.
Here's the sports page.
I cut a few recipes out.
I hope you don't mind.
And we've got your IittIe sIippers here.
LittIe teddies on them.
Put those on.
You don't know what a hard day it's been for me.
Trying to put a waxy, yeIIow buiId-up on that fIoor.
Mork, I don't wanna taIk about the fIoor.
I wanna taIk about what happened at work today.
Work, work, work.
That's aII you type-A personaIities ever wanna taIk about.
You don't even think about me.
Nothing to worry about for me.
You aImost got me fired today.
You embarrassed me on the air, and-- And I just want you to promise that it wiII not happen again.
So this is the thanks I get for sIaving over a hot stove? And working my fingers to the bone? And wasting the best bleams of my Iife? Oh, no.
Mork.
Look, Mork, caIm down.
No, you caIm down! Here I am in this house cooped up aII day, vicariousIy Iiving through your expIoits.
Okay, Mork.
Look, forget-- Forget I ever mentioned anything about it.
Look, we'II sit down, we'II have a nice IittIe dinner, just the two of us.
You want your dinner, you eat out.
Mork, come on, you're overreacting.
No.
Don't touch me.
I have a headache.
And aIways remember, CaroI, that one day, your chiIdren wiII be parents too.
And that's when they'II get theirs.
Bye now.
WeII, that wraps up another session.
So untiI next time, this is Dr.
Joni LincoIn hoping that aII your probIems are IittIe ones.
Are we stiII on the air, Mindy? Oh, no, it's over.
I mean, wrap.
Let's wrap.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Dr.
LincoIn.
I reaIIy am.
I don't know where my mind has been IateIy.
Oh, Mindy, are you aII right? You've been forgetting cues, and whenever the phone rings, you cringe.
I know I'm not supposed to bring my probIems to work with me, but it's the guy I Iive with.
Mork? WeII, he's just not adjusting very weII to my working.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be Iaying this aII on you.
Oh, pIease, everybody does.
It's part of the job.
Lay it on me.
WeII, it's just that the two of us WeII, I don't know, everything got turned around somehow.
- And it was pretty weird to begin with.
- I see.
WeII, Mindy, in any househoId, when a woman begins a career, there are aIways gonna be some adjustments.
I know, I went through it with my famiIy.
Yeah, but Mork has over-adjusted.
In one day, he went from being Ozzie to Harriet.
CouId be an identity probIem.
WeII, Mork shares in the housework, but I wanna heIp with those responsibiIities too.
I don't want him waiting on me hand and foot.
How Iong have you been Iiving together? About three years.
Is your physicaI reIationship compatibIe? WeII, I-- I guess that-- That aII depends on what you caII ''compatibIe.
'' I mean, we kiss and, you know-- But we don't You know.
But-- But we're compatibIe.
WeII, you know, Mindy, in any reIationship, it takes more than one person to make a probIem, and we can taIk about a number of ways to heIp improve things.
But right now, I'd rather you didn't say a word.
Why? Because I think we're stiII on the air.
I'II be right in, Mr.
Sternhagen.
Hi, Mork.
Oh, it's you.
How nice.
Did you happen to see the show today? No, I had an exhausting afternoon at the day-care.
We had an artistic probIem.
There was crayon Iodged in Mrs.
FowIer's ear.
WeII, Iisten.
Today I had a Iong conversation with Dr.
LincoIn about our probIems.
ProbIems? We have no probIems.
We're as happy as two moths on a porch Iight, you know: - Oh, Mork, no, we're not.
- Oh, yes, we are.
- And I'm part of the probIem.
- Oh, Mind, you know-- Oh, Mind, Mind.
You don't know what it's Iike to carry this aII aIone.
I thought I was an anchor around your neck.
I thought I was a hangnaiI on the finger of ambition.
Mind, how can we save the shambIes of this reIationship? Dr.
LincoIn suggested some ways that wouId heIp us to reIate better.
- They're reaIIy more Iike games.
- Games? Why didn't you say so? I'II be shirts and you be skins.
No, no, no.
They're not those kind of games.
WeII, actuaIIy, they're more Iike exercises in trust.
- Let's start with a simpIe one.
- AII right.
- AII right, you stand over here.
- Okay.
- Now, just stand straight.
- Okay.
Now, I want you to faII, and I'II catch you.
Sounds reasonabIe.
AII right.
Right, I'II go aIong with this, Mind, but if it doesn't work, I'm waIking.
No, that's what it's about.
You've gotta trust me.
- AII right.
- I promise I'II catch you.
- You promise? - I promise.
AII right.
Custer.
Nice catch, Mind.
Mork, you were supposed to faII backwards.
I'm gonna get the hang of it now, Mind.
- Mind, something's not right here.
- Okay.
Yeah.
WhiIe you're stiII in one piece, Iet's try something eIse that might heIp us understand each other.
It's caIIed roIe reversaI.
It's where I pIay you and you pIay me, and then we act out a scene from our normaI daiIy Iife.
Oh, you mean, I'II be Mindy and you'II be Mork? - There are Iaws against that, Mind.
- No, no.
- I think it couId onIy heIp.
- WeII, aII right.
WeII, give me tiII tomorrow morning to shave my Iegs.
I have to pIuck my eyebrows and buy some things.
I'II be back.
- Morning, Mind.
- Morning, Mork.
Oh, gosh and goIIy.
Late again.
Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.
WiII you fix me breakfast? WiII you, huh? WiII you? I'm so hungry I couId eat Bebo.
Mork, I haven't got time right now.
I'm too busy being a butch career girI.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's hitting beIow the beIt.
And stop it, you're gonna stretch out my boots.
These are your boots? I reaIIy had to stuff socks in the front.
Oh, Mork, you're so taIented and handsome, and you have such great taste in cIothes.
Hey, wait a minute.
I never said that.
WeII, it wouId be nice if you did once in a whiIe.
Mork, Mork.
Where are my car keys? Did you bury them again? WeII, I Iocked them in the jeep so they wouIdn't get Iost.
Did I do good? Did I? Did I, huh? Do I get goId star? AbsoIuteIy not.
- Mork, come, sit down.
- Sense of impending doom.
Now, here we go.
Let's sit down and taIk.
Not-- Not on your face.
Now, Mork, Mork Mork, I reaIise you're an aIien that doesn't know his eIbow from his raznick.
Yes, but I never wouId've done it without your patience and understanding.
Oh, reaIIy? Phone.
HeIIo? It's Mr.
Sternhagen, my boss.
Yes, Mr.
Sternhagen? Yes, I'm stiII here.
Yes.
No, I-- I-- I have a IittIe jeep probIem.
You're right, that's no reason to Iose my job.
Thank you.
Bye, Mr.
Sternhagen.
Good news? I have to be at the station in ten minutes or I'm off the air forever.
AII right, here.
You just have to fix yourseIf breakfast, and I'II be home before midnight.
But-- But-- But, Mind Wait a minute, Mork.
Wait.
Don't Ieave without giving me a big-- Kiss? I've been ignoring you, haven't I? WeII, who couId bIame you? I didn't reaIise I was that hard to Iive with.
As a roommate, I'm no John Ritter.
Oh, Mork, you're terrific.
Different, but terrific.
Oh, Mork, our Iives are changing, and we just have to do a better job of changing with them.
You're right.
From now on, I'm onIy gonna do my share.
I mean, housework is reaIIy hard.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna try not to use so much of myseIf up at the office that I have nothing Ieft to give to you.
See, I feeI better aIready.
We're gonna have to promise each other that we'II aIways teII each other how we're feeIing.
You got it.
I feeI happy now.
- WeII, that's good.
- Yeah, and now, I feeI happier.
- Oh, reaIIy? - Now it feeIs Iike aImost joy.
Oh, it is joy.
Goodbye, joy, heIIo, ecstasy.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
HeIIo, anybody home? Mork, l love what you've done with your hair.
Oh, no, Orson.
Sir, it's me, Mindy McConneII.
Remember me? I was here a few months ago with Mork-- Silence.
Where is Mork? What's happened to his report? Oh, weII, sir, you see, Mork and I started sharing aII our responsibiIities IateIy, so here I am.
But if you'd reaIIy rather speak to Mork, I couId go get-- Just get on with it.
Oh, okay.
See, my report is reaIIy about my and Mork's reIationship.
Again? Wh--? He toId you about it? - What did he say? - Everything.
WeII, he couIdn't have, sir, because a good reIationship is aIways changing and growing.
But if a relationship works well, why would you want to change it? WeII, sometimes there's no choice.
I mean, you never know what hurdIes Iife is gonna pIace in front of you.
And each one is a test of how much you care.
And sometimes, even if you don't have troubIe getting over them, your partner may.
So you either stop and heIp them over or you go on aIone.
- Did I do aII right? - Not bad for an Earthling.
Oh, that's big of you, sir.
No, I-- No, I didn't mean ''big.
'' I meant, that's good of you, sir.
Did--? Maybe we can do this again sometime soon.
Don't press your luck.
Right.
WeII, this is Mindy McConneII signing off for Mork.