NewsRadio (1995) s03e21 Episode Script
Sleeping
Joe Why didn't you tell me you were defrosting the fridge? My lunch was in there.
JOE: Hey, Catherine, I'm defrosting the fridge.
Thank you.
Blah! Ahhh! Oh, my God! You almost gave me a heart attack! You idiot! I got you.
I got you.
Joe, I got her.
Way to go, dude.
Get out of there, Matthew.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ahh! Now we're even.
Come on.
Ah! Now I'm ahead.
Can I please come out now? Come on.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hold on.
Somebody else is coming.
One more time.
You sure? Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
Hey.
Huh? You go, girl! Booga! Ahhh! [ALL LAUGHING.]
You got me! You got me! That was great! I tried to warn you, Jimmy.
Oh, my whole body's tingling here.
Oh, Mr.
James.
I'm sorry.
I got you both.
Yes, you did.
You got me.
Are you okay, Jimmy? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I'm fine.
My-- My arm's kind of tingling, but, I mean, what a rush.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Come on, Mr.
James.
You can't prank a prankster.
Come on, Mr.
James.
Jimmy? [SIREN WAILING.]
[.]
Mr.
James experienced a mild myocardial infarction.
A small heart attack.
He's currently unconscious, but we fully expect him to recover in the next few days.
Uh-huh.
Um, uh, angiogram? Oh, it's looking good.
Good.
Any arrhythmia? How's his BP? Oh, no, it's, uh-- No complaints.
He's, uh-- He's looking good.
Mr.
James has a big heart.
Yeah, well, he's like a father to us.
No, I mean medically.
The thing's like a roast.
It's unreal.
Thank you.
MAN [OVER PA.]
: Paging the staff of WNYX.
Please report to the morgue immediately.
Oh, my God.
Correction.
Dr.
Leibowitz, report to the morgue.
Those other guys, some lawyer wants to meet you in the chapel.
Come on.
Um Mr.
James has some rather specific instructions regarding his care, in the event of a life-threatening illness, so, um Mm-hm.
If you please Hello, everyone.
If you're watching this, I've probably been forced to flee the country due to a mix-up with the IRS.
Oops, oops.
Okay, that's not the right tape.
Yeah, pretend you never saw that.
Hello, everyone.
If you're watching this, I'm probably suffering from some sort of life-threatening illness.
I have only one request.
That's to spend the rest of my time with my friends and colleagues at WNYX.
Oh, and if I finally achieved my lifelong goal of buying the Harlem Globetrotters, send them on over.
Make them run some drills or something.
I don't know.
I can watch those crazy nuts [TURNS TV OFF.]
Is that it? Well, he goes on about the Globetrotters for quite a while, and Well, I guess we'll have to hire a temporary staff, to, uh-- To run the station while we're all over here-- No, no, no.
Mr.
James made it quite clear that he would like business to continue as usual.
Well, I hardly think this is business as usual.
Well, at least the Globetrotters aren't here.
[MONITOR BEEPS.]
Excuse me, doctor.
ALL: Yes? Actually, I just needed to talk to one of you.
Who's in charge here? ALL: I am.
You'll do nicely.
All right.
No offense, everyone.
So, what can I do for you? Well, we were just wondering if there's anything we could do to help.
Yes, actually, there is.
Mr.
James needs to be surrounded by some friendly voices.
So maybe it would be best if the staff could talk to him around the clock.
Uh, just talk to him.
Right.
You see, when a patient is in this state, even though he can't technically hear you, often it's a familiar voice that pulls him through.
I'd just like to say, this is the weirdest thing I've ever been asked to do.
Well, uh, Bill, if you're uncomfortable, no one's gonna force you.
Don't get me wrong.
I love Jimmy.
I mean, I wish to high heaven Matthew hadn't given him a massive heart attack.
He's just resting! Okay.
He's taking a little snooze-a-rooni.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He's fine.
Right? Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Well, it won't be the first time this voice has saved a life.
What are you talking about? Remember? Last year.
That guy who stepped in front of the bus? "Look out!" Life saved.
You're welcome.
No charge.
So the guy says, "No.
I said peacemaker, not pacemaker.
" [LAUGHS.]
That's a little heart attack humor for you.
Thought you'd like that one.
Say, you mind if I smoke? [LAUGHS.]
Just kidding.
Bill Just-- Just a sec, Dave.
Dr.
McNeal is dispensing some laugh medicine.
Bill, can I talk to you in my office for a minute? Okey-dokey.
Don't go anywhere, Jimmy.
And if you do, make sure you take along an extension cord.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, because he's-- All right.
Uh, Joe, would you mind sitting with Mr.
James? I'm talking about those horrible and horribly inappropriate jokes you were telling.
Some of us have different ways to deal with sadness, my friend.
And your way is to make fun of a man who's too sick to defend himself? It's called tough love.
Get used to it.
Bill, it is not tough love.
Oh, please.
You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your Jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.
Bill, it's insensitive and inappropriate, and you've gotta cut it out, all right? I wish I could, but the more upset I get, the worse it gets.
Well-- Can't you ever just be sincere and normal? In real life? No.
What do you mean in real life? Well, when I'm on the air, I open up completely.
Really bare my soul.
Bill, you do news, weather and traffic.
Yes, but I mean it.
And back when I was a DJ, on my college station, I'd pour my heart out from midnight till 6.
Better than therapy.
All right, well, just try to pretend you're back at your college radio station.
Hey, listen.
You're not trying to get me to smoke pot, are you? It's, like, you know-- Like, you're a high school dropout.
And I'm a high school dropout.
And you're a multi-billionaire.
And I'm an electrician.
That kinda sucks.
I mean, Jimmy, what I'm trying to say is, if you can hear me, I'd-- Then a little with the thumb, like this And that's how Bobby Ojeda used to throw his knuckleball.
Hey.
You can go now, Joe.
I'll take over.
Can I have another half a minute with him? Sure.
Thanks.
You know, what-- What I'm trying to say is, you're like a role model to me, and I've never really had a role model before except for John Gotti.
And I never really met him.
Except one time, I followed him to his house, and I tried to jump his fence.
Which really wasn't such a good idea.
Anyway, Jimmy take care.
It's gonna be okay.
And if you saw the Ultimate Fighting Championship, you'd know that that's how Mark Coleman made Dan Severen tap out.
What's up? Have fun.
Thank you.
Hi, Mr.
James.
It's me Lisa.
Um I-I'm not really sure, uh, what I'm supposed to talk to you about, so I'm just going to try and-- And speak openly and honestly from my heart which doesn't come naturally.
Um But, fortunately, I've taken some time to delineate all of my various feelings and write them down on these index cards.
Which, actually, I've also sequentialized, in order to maximize emotional utility.
Okay.
Uh Okay.
Well, that one's stupid.
Um "I hope you get better.
" Umokay.
Well, obviously, that goes without saying.
I really didn't have a lot of time to prepare these for you.
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna be honest.
You know, you have not made things easy for me, Mr.
James.
You know, you are the only person I have met who has achieved more of his life goals than I have.
But, you know, on the other hand, it does keep me from getting complacent.
Because I look at you and think of all the things I want to accomplish before I die.
Uh-- I mean, before I die.
No.
I mean, before Yeah.
Anywayyou know, actually, I-I have-- I have conveniently enumerated all of my goals on card number 14C, which is-- It's right there.
Uh [WHISPERS.]
Sorry, sir.
Yeah.
See, here it is.
Uh"financial independence.
" Check.
Uh, "mentioned in the New York Times before the age of 30.
" Check.
"Double 800s on my SATs.
" Some of these are kind of old, but nonetheless, check.
"Achieve 10-year career plan in five years.
" Lisa? Lisa? Huh? Uh, you're supposed to be talking to him.
I w-- I was.
Uh-huh.
I just-- I realized something though.
What? Well, it's kind of major.
Ah, what-- What is it? Well, I'm very serious.
What is it already? I wanna have a baby.
What? Oh, my God.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY.]
[SIGHS.]
All right, let's, uh-- Let's just take this c-calmly and rationally.
Uh, one step at a time, all right? So, uh, where were we? I wanna have a baby.
When? Now.
I don't think you're taking into account the gestation period.
Okay.
No.
Now.
I mean nine months from now, "now.
" You know what I mean.
How long have you felt this way? I don't know.
I was just in there talking to Jimmy about the things I've accomplished in my life, and the things I want to accomplish, and I-- I had a revelation.
Lisa, you can't make a decision this big in the blink of an eye.
Dave, you can't make a decision this big in the blink of an eye.
All the important decisions I've made like this.
This fast? Yes.
I remember in college, April 25th, 1985, I was sitting on the steps of the library eating a cheese steak sub when, boom, it hit me.
Radio journalism.
And here I am.
Mm-hm.
And what were you thinking before that? That I wish I had ordered ketchup for my cheese steak.
No, no, no, no.
I meant-- I meant by that, what were you thinking about as a career before that? I wanted to be a forest ranger.
You wanted to be a forest ranger? Yes, Dave.
But that was then, this is now.
Now it's time to have a babywith you.
You know what, I-- This just isn't-- This isn't how I expected this to come up, all right? UmI mean, don't you think we should You know [STAMMERS.]
Why-- You know, get-- Get married.
We should get married.
Why? Yeah, well-- Well-- You know, I love you, and you're my-- I want to spend my, you know, life with you, you know? Dave, it's not time to get married.
Hm? No.
I wanna have the baby, and then maybe later, we can have a discussion about getting married.
Okay, and who will be in on this discussion? Will it just be you and the baby? Or will I have any input at all? All right.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I know that this must be a shock to you.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, it is a little.
Yeah.
You know, I'm just gonna need a little time to think about it, all right? That's fine.
I understand.
Thanks.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm gonna need a little more than 30 seconds, all right? Okay, fine.
I'll be back in five minutes.
Oh, well-- Thanks for your patience.
Thanks, Joe.
Hey, no problem, dude.
I hope it helps.
What the hell's that smell? Oh, it's the incense we used to use back at my college station.
Ebony lust.
Lower the lights on the way out, would you, please? You got it, bro.
[SLOW JAZZ PLAYING.]
Rolling right up on the witching hour.
It's 3 o'clock.
[WOLF HOWL OVER SPEAKER.]
This is Bill McNeal, the bad boy of WFIB.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Bad boy.
The one and only.
I'd like to take a moment right now to rap to a solid dude out there who's going through some tough times.
When I think of my personal heroes, who do I think of? Thelonious Monk, of course.
John Coltrane.
Jack Kerouac.
Karl Vonnegut.
And that slow-walking, smooth-talking bad ass they call simplyJimbo.
This one goes out to you, my man.
Let's take a "Slow Ride" with Foghat.
Slow ride Take it easy DAVE: There-- There is a procedure that people follow, you know? They-- You see, they-- They meet.
And they fall in love.
Then they get married.
And then they have, uh, babies.
Well, that's how some people do it, yes.
That is how normal people do it.
Well, I'm-- I'm not normal, I guess.
No, I-- But I am.
I am thoroughly and completely normal.
Yes.
I know you are.
Dave, I know you are.
And that's why I love you and think that you would make the perfect father for my baby.
So come on.
Gimme some.
Don't.
Dave.
Come on.
What is wrong with you? I-- And-- And besides, what about your career? I mean, you're the last person I see giving up your job-- I'm not gonna quit my job.
--staying home-- Hm? No.
I could do both.
I only sleep three hours a night anyway, so-- Oh, great.
So, what are we gonna do? Turn the break room into a daycare center? Yes, after the nursing home shuts down, maybe.
[GASPS.]
You know what? I have an idea.
Mm-hm.
You could quit your job, and then you could stay home with the baby.
Just like John Lennon.
Yeah, that worked out great for him.
And I do admire all these things about you, but most-- But most of all, Jimmy I admire the way you stick it to Bill, day in, day out.
My God, can you make that boy sweat.
You know what you should try sometime? You should tell him he's fired.
But then, tell him that you won't fire him if he can guess why he's fired.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, Catherine? Oh.
Yeah? Uh, do you mind if I take over for a minute? Well, of course not, Dave.
But you have, you know, about 15 minutes till your shift.
Oh, I know.
I-- I just need to get some advice.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Mr.
James, uh, here we are.
UmI sure wish you were awake right now because I, uh-- Well, I'm thoroughly, uh, confused.
And usually when I'm confused, you're the-- You're the one I go to, and-- Generally speaking, you manage to confuse me even further.
But somehow it-- It always helps me to figure out what-- What I-- What I should do.
Um Well, here's the-- Here's the situation, as I understand it.
UmLisa has decided that she wants to have a baby, but that she-- She doesn't want to get married.
Now, I know that if you were awake, you would probably say something like, "Well, son, why milk the cow when you got a fridge full of steaks?" And I would probably say, "That makes absolutely no sense, sir.
" And then I'm sure you would say, "Oh, well, it sounded like it made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie, Chinatown.
" Then I would be forced to say, "Well, sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in the movie Chinatown.
" And I'm sure you would come back with, "Well, Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation, I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job.
" And I would say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two guys.
" And I'm sure you would then come back with, "Dave, just 'cause the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him.
" He's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine.
I swear, if Mr.
James survives this little nap he's taking I-I'm gonna change my whole life.
Oh, yeah? How are you gonna do that? [SIGHS.]
Well, I'll tell you.
For one thing, I'm-- I'm-- I'm not gonna jump out of refrigerators and yell "blah" anymore.
Oh, but we so love your wonderful pranks.
And I'm not gonna jump out of break room cabinets and yell "blah" anymore.
And I'm not gonna jump out from under the table while you two are on the air and yell "blah"-- The whole "blah" thing is out.
That's very professional of you.
You know what else? I'm done pretending to fall down all the time, just to make people laugh.
Tsk.
Dude, you weren't pretending.
Was I, or wasn't I? That's the prank.
Regardless, I'm done with it.
I'm done.
Say hello to the new Matthew Brock.
Hello, new Matthew Brock.
Hello.
Ah! Oh, my God.
Oh, no! Ah! I'm sorry.
Are you okay? Ah! Oh, my God.
Now he's having a heart attack! Nine-one-one.
[CHUCKLES.]
And then you would say, "No, I know--" "I know Roman Polanski wasn't--" "Wasn't in The Rifleman, he just wrote it.
" [CHUCKLING.]
Hi.
Hi.
What's so funny? I was just telling Mr.
James that, ah-- He woke up? No, I mean-- I mean, something he would have said.
Uh, never-- Never mind.
Uhthere we go.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, no.
No, I'm sorry.
I haven't come up with a decision yet.
That's okay.
It's okay, really.
I mean, I think that the main reason this whole baby thing came up all of a sudden, is just because of Jimmy and everything.
Yeah, I know.
This has been a traumatic time.
I don't think anyone's thinking that clearly.
Oh, no.
I'm thinking more clearly than ever.
Meaning? Meaning, I want to have a baby.
Immediately.
And I want to get married.
At an unspecified time in the near future.
What, do you think that I would be a bad mother? Is that what this is all about? No.
That's not it at all.
No.
It's just, you can't have everything, and you can't have it all at once.
Well, my mother had six kids and never stopped working.
Maybe that's why you turned out the way you did.
And which way is that? Excuse me? Just a second.
And which way is that? Which way? Not normal.
That is which way.
Guys-- Oh, really? Could I say something? Mr.
James, please-- BOTH: Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I-- I-- I think so.
Could you guys do me a favor? Yeah.
Sure.
Good.
Um, good.
Could you come closer? Uh, yes.
Could you two please just shut the hell up?! MATTHEW: What's going on in here? Hey! Hey.
Look's like Dorothy's back in Kansas.
How are you feeling, Jimmy? How do you think I feel? I'm feeling like crap.
You remember any of us talking to you? No.
No, not really.
The only thing I remember was I was-- I was walking down this long, dark hallway towards a bright light, And then behind me, I could hear Dave and Lisa arguing.
And it's like, "I want a baby.
" "A what?" "A baby.
" "Well, you can't have a damn baby.
" And on and on and on and on, and on, and then, you know, I listened to that for a second.
Then I started running towards the bright light.
And then something very strange happened.
MATTHEW: Well, what? Well, far away-- far away --I could hear the most wonderful music.
You know "Slow Ride" by Foghat? You know that song? Well, I heard that, and I thought, man, oh, man, I'd love to hear that song one more time, so-- That's why I came back.
["SLOW RIDE" PLAYING.]
Slow ride Yeah, that's it.
That's the one, Bill.
Take it easy All right, I heard it again.
My work here is done.
Goodbye.
[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING.]
Doctor! Doctor! Gotcha! Ha-ha! Blah! [LAUGHS.]
Ah, you rascal, you.
No, no, really, seriously.
You know what I need? I need, uh, you to get me a Wall Street Journal, a big old bowl of pudding, and, Bill, you got any Foreigner or Cheap Trick over there? Coming at you.
Good.
Good.
And can somebody, uh-- Can somebody tell me something? Why the hell am I lying here in the office? Shouldn't I be in a damn hospital, or something? For crying out loud.
Hello, everyone.
If you are watching this, then I have been murdered.
[HORROR THEME PLAYS ON ORGAN.]
That the best music we could get for this? Help me, Obi-Wan.
You're my only hope.
Help me, Obi-Wan.
You're my only hope.
JOE: Hey, Catherine, I'm defrosting the fridge.
Thank you.
Blah! Ahhh! Oh, my God! You almost gave me a heart attack! You idiot! I got you.
I got you.
Joe, I got her.
Way to go, dude.
Get out of there, Matthew.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ahh! Now we're even.
Come on.
Ah! Now I'm ahead.
Can I please come out now? Come on.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hold on.
Somebody else is coming.
One more time.
You sure? Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
Hey.
Huh? You go, girl! Booga! Ahhh! [ALL LAUGHING.]
You got me! You got me! That was great! I tried to warn you, Jimmy.
Oh, my whole body's tingling here.
Oh, Mr.
James.
I'm sorry.
I got you both.
Yes, you did.
You got me.
Are you okay, Jimmy? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I'm fine.
My-- My arm's kind of tingling, but, I mean, what a rush.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Come on, Mr.
James.
You can't prank a prankster.
Come on, Mr.
James.
Jimmy? [SIREN WAILING.]
[.]
Mr.
James experienced a mild myocardial infarction.
A small heart attack.
He's currently unconscious, but we fully expect him to recover in the next few days.
Uh-huh.
Um, uh, angiogram? Oh, it's looking good.
Good.
Any arrhythmia? How's his BP? Oh, no, it's, uh-- No complaints.
He's, uh-- He's looking good.
Mr.
James has a big heart.
Yeah, well, he's like a father to us.
No, I mean medically.
The thing's like a roast.
It's unreal.
Thank you.
MAN [OVER PA.]
: Paging the staff of WNYX.
Please report to the morgue immediately.
Oh, my God.
Correction.
Dr.
Leibowitz, report to the morgue.
Those other guys, some lawyer wants to meet you in the chapel.
Come on.
Um Mr.
James has some rather specific instructions regarding his care, in the event of a life-threatening illness, so, um Mm-hm.
If you please Hello, everyone.
If you're watching this, I've probably been forced to flee the country due to a mix-up with the IRS.
Oops, oops.
Okay, that's not the right tape.
Yeah, pretend you never saw that.
Hello, everyone.
If you're watching this, I'm probably suffering from some sort of life-threatening illness.
I have only one request.
That's to spend the rest of my time with my friends and colleagues at WNYX.
Oh, and if I finally achieved my lifelong goal of buying the Harlem Globetrotters, send them on over.
Make them run some drills or something.
I don't know.
I can watch those crazy nuts [TURNS TV OFF.]
Is that it? Well, he goes on about the Globetrotters for quite a while, and Well, I guess we'll have to hire a temporary staff, to, uh-- To run the station while we're all over here-- No, no, no.
Mr.
James made it quite clear that he would like business to continue as usual.
Well, I hardly think this is business as usual.
Well, at least the Globetrotters aren't here.
[MONITOR BEEPS.]
Excuse me, doctor.
ALL: Yes? Actually, I just needed to talk to one of you.
Who's in charge here? ALL: I am.
You'll do nicely.
All right.
No offense, everyone.
So, what can I do for you? Well, we were just wondering if there's anything we could do to help.
Yes, actually, there is.
Mr.
James needs to be surrounded by some friendly voices.
So maybe it would be best if the staff could talk to him around the clock.
Uh, just talk to him.
Right.
You see, when a patient is in this state, even though he can't technically hear you, often it's a familiar voice that pulls him through.
I'd just like to say, this is the weirdest thing I've ever been asked to do.
Well, uh, Bill, if you're uncomfortable, no one's gonna force you.
Don't get me wrong.
I love Jimmy.
I mean, I wish to high heaven Matthew hadn't given him a massive heart attack.
He's just resting! Okay.
He's taking a little snooze-a-rooni.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He's fine.
Right? Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Well, it won't be the first time this voice has saved a life.
What are you talking about? Remember? Last year.
That guy who stepped in front of the bus? "Look out!" Life saved.
You're welcome.
No charge.
So the guy says, "No.
I said peacemaker, not pacemaker.
" [LAUGHS.]
That's a little heart attack humor for you.
Thought you'd like that one.
Say, you mind if I smoke? [LAUGHS.]
Just kidding.
Bill Just-- Just a sec, Dave.
Dr.
McNeal is dispensing some laugh medicine.
Bill, can I talk to you in my office for a minute? Okey-dokey.
Don't go anywhere, Jimmy.
And if you do, make sure you take along an extension cord.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, because he's-- All right.
Uh, Joe, would you mind sitting with Mr.
James? I'm talking about those horrible and horribly inappropriate jokes you were telling.
Some of us have different ways to deal with sadness, my friend.
And your way is to make fun of a man who's too sick to defend himself? It's called tough love.
Get used to it.
Bill, it is not tough love.
Oh, please.
You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your Jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.
Bill, it's insensitive and inappropriate, and you've gotta cut it out, all right? I wish I could, but the more upset I get, the worse it gets.
Well-- Can't you ever just be sincere and normal? In real life? No.
What do you mean in real life? Well, when I'm on the air, I open up completely.
Really bare my soul.
Bill, you do news, weather and traffic.
Yes, but I mean it.
And back when I was a DJ, on my college station, I'd pour my heart out from midnight till 6.
Better than therapy.
All right, well, just try to pretend you're back at your college radio station.
Hey, listen.
You're not trying to get me to smoke pot, are you? It's, like, you know-- Like, you're a high school dropout.
And I'm a high school dropout.
And you're a multi-billionaire.
And I'm an electrician.
That kinda sucks.
I mean, Jimmy, what I'm trying to say is, if you can hear me, I'd-- Then a little with the thumb, like this And that's how Bobby Ojeda used to throw his knuckleball.
Hey.
You can go now, Joe.
I'll take over.
Can I have another half a minute with him? Sure.
Thanks.
You know, what-- What I'm trying to say is, you're like a role model to me, and I've never really had a role model before except for John Gotti.
And I never really met him.
Except one time, I followed him to his house, and I tried to jump his fence.
Which really wasn't such a good idea.
Anyway, Jimmy take care.
It's gonna be okay.
And if you saw the Ultimate Fighting Championship, you'd know that that's how Mark Coleman made Dan Severen tap out.
What's up? Have fun.
Thank you.
Hi, Mr.
James.
It's me Lisa.
Um I-I'm not really sure, uh, what I'm supposed to talk to you about, so I'm just going to try and-- And speak openly and honestly from my heart which doesn't come naturally.
Um But, fortunately, I've taken some time to delineate all of my various feelings and write them down on these index cards.
Which, actually, I've also sequentialized, in order to maximize emotional utility.
Okay.
Uh Okay.
Well, that one's stupid.
Um "I hope you get better.
" Umokay.
Well, obviously, that goes without saying.
I really didn't have a lot of time to prepare these for you.
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna be honest.
You know, you have not made things easy for me, Mr.
James.
You know, you are the only person I have met who has achieved more of his life goals than I have.
But, you know, on the other hand, it does keep me from getting complacent.
Because I look at you and think of all the things I want to accomplish before I die.
Uh-- I mean, before I die.
No.
I mean, before Yeah.
Anywayyou know, actually, I-I have-- I have conveniently enumerated all of my goals on card number 14C, which is-- It's right there.
Uh [WHISPERS.]
Sorry, sir.
Yeah.
See, here it is.
Uh"financial independence.
" Check.
Uh, "mentioned in the New York Times before the age of 30.
" Check.
"Double 800s on my SATs.
" Some of these are kind of old, but nonetheless, check.
"Achieve 10-year career plan in five years.
" Lisa? Lisa? Huh? Uh, you're supposed to be talking to him.
I w-- I was.
Uh-huh.
I just-- I realized something though.
What? Well, it's kind of major.
Ah, what-- What is it? Well, I'm very serious.
What is it already? I wanna have a baby.
What? Oh, my God.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY.]
[SIGHS.]
All right, let's, uh-- Let's just take this c-calmly and rationally.
Uh, one step at a time, all right? So, uh, where were we? I wanna have a baby.
When? Now.
I don't think you're taking into account the gestation period.
Okay.
No.
Now.
I mean nine months from now, "now.
" You know what I mean.
How long have you felt this way? I don't know.
I was just in there talking to Jimmy about the things I've accomplished in my life, and the things I want to accomplish, and I-- I had a revelation.
Lisa, you can't make a decision this big in the blink of an eye.
Dave, you can't make a decision this big in the blink of an eye.
All the important decisions I've made like this.
This fast? Yes.
I remember in college, April 25th, 1985, I was sitting on the steps of the library eating a cheese steak sub when, boom, it hit me.
Radio journalism.
And here I am.
Mm-hm.
And what were you thinking before that? That I wish I had ordered ketchup for my cheese steak.
No, no, no, no.
I meant-- I meant by that, what were you thinking about as a career before that? I wanted to be a forest ranger.
You wanted to be a forest ranger? Yes, Dave.
But that was then, this is now.
Now it's time to have a babywith you.
You know what, I-- This just isn't-- This isn't how I expected this to come up, all right? UmI mean, don't you think we should You know [STAMMERS.]
Why-- You know, get-- Get married.
We should get married.
Why? Yeah, well-- Well-- You know, I love you, and you're my-- I want to spend my, you know, life with you, you know? Dave, it's not time to get married.
Hm? No.
I wanna have the baby, and then maybe later, we can have a discussion about getting married.
Okay, and who will be in on this discussion? Will it just be you and the baby? Or will I have any input at all? All right.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I know that this must be a shock to you.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, it is a little.
Yeah.
You know, I'm just gonna need a little time to think about it, all right? That's fine.
I understand.
Thanks.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm gonna need a little more than 30 seconds, all right? Okay, fine.
I'll be back in five minutes.
Oh, well-- Thanks for your patience.
Thanks, Joe.
Hey, no problem, dude.
I hope it helps.
What the hell's that smell? Oh, it's the incense we used to use back at my college station.
Ebony lust.
Lower the lights on the way out, would you, please? You got it, bro.
[SLOW JAZZ PLAYING.]
Rolling right up on the witching hour.
It's 3 o'clock.
[WOLF HOWL OVER SPEAKER.]
This is Bill McNeal, the bad boy of WFIB.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Bad boy.
The one and only.
I'd like to take a moment right now to rap to a solid dude out there who's going through some tough times.
When I think of my personal heroes, who do I think of? Thelonious Monk, of course.
John Coltrane.
Jack Kerouac.
Karl Vonnegut.
And that slow-walking, smooth-talking bad ass they call simplyJimbo.
This one goes out to you, my man.
Let's take a "Slow Ride" with Foghat.
Slow ride Take it easy DAVE: There-- There is a procedure that people follow, you know? They-- You see, they-- They meet.
And they fall in love.
Then they get married.
And then they have, uh, babies.
Well, that's how some people do it, yes.
That is how normal people do it.
Well, I'm-- I'm not normal, I guess.
No, I-- But I am.
I am thoroughly and completely normal.
Yes.
I know you are.
Dave, I know you are.
And that's why I love you and think that you would make the perfect father for my baby.
So come on.
Gimme some.
Don't.
Dave.
Come on.
What is wrong with you? I-- And-- And besides, what about your career? I mean, you're the last person I see giving up your job-- I'm not gonna quit my job.
--staying home-- Hm? No.
I could do both.
I only sleep three hours a night anyway, so-- Oh, great.
So, what are we gonna do? Turn the break room into a daycare center? Yes, after the nursing home shuts down, maybe.
[GASPS.]
You know what? I have an idea.
Mm-hm.
You could quit your job, and then you could stay home with the baby.
Just like John Lennon.
Yeah, that worked out great for him.
And I do admire all these things about you, but most-- But most of all, Jimmy I admire the way you stick it to Bill, day in, day out.
My God, can you make that boy sweat.
You know what you should try sometime? You should tell him he's fired.
But then, tell him that you won't fire him if he can guess why he's fired.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, Catherine? Oh.
Yeah? Uh, do you mind if I take over for a minute? Well, of course not, Dave.
But you have, you know, about 15 minutes till your shift.
Oh, I know.
I-- I just need to get some advice.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Mr.
James, uh, here we are.
UmI sure wish you were awake right now because I, uh-- Well, I'm thoroughly, uh, confused.
And usually when I'm confused, you're the-- You're the one I go to, and-- Generally speaking, you manage to confuse me even further.
But somehow it-- It always helps me to figure out what-- What I-- What I should do.
Um Well, here's the-- Here's the situation, as I understand it.
UmLisa has decided that she wants to have a baby, but that she-- She doesn't want to get married.
Now, I know that if you were awake, you would probably say something like, "Well, son, why milk the cow when you got a fridge full of steaks?" And I would probably say, "That makes absolutely no sense, sir.
" And then I'm sure you would say, "Oh, well, it sounded like it made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie, Chinatown.
" Then I would be forced to say, "Well, sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in the movie Chinatown.
" And I'm sure you would come back with, "Well, Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation, I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job.
" And I would say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two guys.
" And I'm sure you would then come back with, "Dave, just 'cause the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him.
" He's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine.
I swear, if Mr.
James survives this little nap he's taking I-I'm gonna change my whole life.
Oh, yeah? How are you gonna do that? [SIGHS.]
Well, I'll tell you.
For one thing, I'm-- I'm-- I'm not gonna jump out of refrigerators and yell "blah" anymore.
Oh, but we so love your wonderful pranks.
And I'm not gonna jump out of break room cabinets and yell "blah" anymore.
And I'm not gonna jump out from under the table while you two are on the air and yell "blah"-- The whole "blah" thing is out.
That's very professional of you.
You know what else? I'm done pretending to fall down all the time, just to make people laugh.
Tsk.
Dude, you weren't pretending.
Was I, or wasn't I? That's the prank.
Regardless, I'm done with it.
I'm done.
Say hello to the new Matthew Brock.
Hello, new Matthew Brock.
Hello.
Ah! Oh, my God.
Oh, no! Ah! I'm sorry.
Are you okay? Ah! Oh, my God.
Now he's having a heart attack! Nine-one-one.
[CHUCKLES.]
And then you would say, "No, I know--" "I know Roman Polanski wasn't--" "Wasn't in The Rifleman, he just wrote it.
" [CHUCKLING.]
Hi.
Hi.
What's so funny? I was just telling Mr.
James that, ah-- He woke up? No, I mean-- I mean, something he would have said.
Uh, never-- Never mind.
Uhthere we go.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, no.
No, I'm sorry.
I haven't come up with a decision yet.
That's okay.
It's okay, really.
I mean, I think that the main reason this whole baby thing came up all of a sudden, is just because of Jimmy and everything.
Yeah, I know.
This has been a traumatic time.
I don't think anyone's thinking that clearly.
Oh, no.
I'm thinking more clearly than ever.
Meaning? Meaning, I want to have a baby.
Immediately.
And I want to get married.
At an unspecified time in the near future.
What, do you think that I would be a bad mother? Is that what this is all about? No.
That's not it at all.
No.
It's just, you can't have everything, and you can't have it all at once.
Well, my mother had six kids and never stopped working.
Maybe that's why you turned out the way you did.
And which way is that? Excuse me? Just a second.
And which way is that? Which way? Not normal.
That is which way.
Guys-- Oh, really? Could I say something? Mr.
James, please-- BOTH: Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I-- I-- I think so.
Could you guys do me a favor? Yeah.
Sure.
Good.
Um, good.
Could you come closer? Uh, yes.
Could you two please just shut the hell up?! MATTHEW: What's going on in here? Hey! Hey.
Look's like Dorothy's back in Kansas.
How are you feeling, Jimmy? How do you think I feel? I'm feeling like crap.
You remember any of us talking to you? No.
No, not really.
The only thing I remember was I was-- I was walking down this long, dark hallway towards a bright light, And then behind me, I could hear Dave and Lisa arguing.
And it's like, "I want a baby.
" "A what?" "A baby.
" "Well, you can't have a damn baby.
" And on and on and on and on, and on, and then, you know, I listened to that for a second.
Then I started running towards the bright light.
And then something very strange happened.
MATTHEW: Well, what? Well, far away-- far away --I could hear the most wonderful music.
You know "Slow Ride" by Foghat? You know that song? Well, I heard that, and I thought, man, oh, man, I'd love to hear that song one more time, so-- That's why I came back.
["SLOW RIDE" PLAYING.]
Slow ride Yeah, that's it.
That's the one, Bill.
Take it easy All right, I heard it again.
My work here is done.
Goodbye.
[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING.]
Doctor! Doctor! Gotcha! Ha-ha! Blah! [LAUGHS.]
Ah, you rascal, you.
No, no, really, seriously.
You know what I need? I need, uh, you to get me a Wall Street Journal, a big old bowl of pudding, and, Bill, you got any Foreigner or Cheap Trick over there? Coming at you.
Good.
Good.
And can somebody, uh-- Can somebody tell me something? Why the hell am I lying here in the office? Shouldn't I be in a damn hospital, or something? For crying out loud.
Hello, everyone.
If you are watching this, then I have been murdered.
[HORROR THEME PLAYS ON ORGAN.]
That the best music we could get for this? Help me, Obi-Wan.
You're my only hope.
Help me, Obi-Wan.
You're my only hope.