Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e21 Episode Script

MAN [ON TV.]
: Stay tuned.
You're just eight hours away from an all-new episode of When Good Witches Go Bad.
I can write better stuff than this garbage.
What are you calling garbage? You don't know the first thing about television.
So that would qualify me to be your boss.
Oh, yeah? We interrupt this regularly-scheduled programme to beat you up.
Yikes, first Cokie Roberts and now him? I thought the V-Chip was supposed to prevent this sort of thing.
I'm gonna milk this show for laughs.
What's all this? "200 Mexican Dishes for Lovers"? "Corn, the Sensuous Vegetable"? "Soufflé, Okay"? I'm cooking dinner with Bryce, that guy I met at the bookstore.
What were you doing at a bookstore? - Trying to meet guys.
- Okay.
I'm a little concerned.
Salem's in my bedroom with a guy who called him "babe.
" That's the TV producer from the Witch Channel.
Salem's pitching him ideas for a new show.
Picture this: a crusty but loveable dictator who inherits an orphanage.
We'll call it Il Duce and the Kids.
Oh, come on.
People hate stuff about the mindless swaying of the masses.
Our focus groups prove this.
A workplace comedy set in a petting zoo? Bible stories dramatised by a troupe of sock puppets.
Really nice meeting you, Saberhagen.
Excuse me, your office is on my jacket.
I know.
How about a cat who lives with a teenage witch? The catch is, the witch is half mortal.
I like it.
Except for the cat part.
Same here.
I see this as a documentary type of show.
You know, hidden cameras where we can capture her every waking moment.
Are you a mind reader? Saberhagen, if this show's a hit, you're gonna be a rich man.
Say that again.
Slower.
Oh, Libby? Yes, Mr.
Kraft? Libby.
It seems that no one has volunteered to be school safety monitor.
You don't expect me to do that dorky job.
The biggest loser in school wouldn't do it.
Well, as secretary of the student council, you get to appoint anyone you'd like.
Anyone? [FLATLY.]
Please proceed with caution.
This is a hallway, not the autobahn.
She's a safety monitor.
Why don't we just put a black dot on her forehead and call her an untouchable? Maybe we can save it in editing.
You know, Sabrina, regarding that gum on the floor, I still feel that you should put a few pylons around it.
You know, I ran a much tighter ship when I was safety monitor, despite the savage beatings.
Zellie, you have gotta help me decide which one of these belts to wear at my dinner with Bryce tomorrow.
I've narrowed it down to these 15.
Oh, good Lord, look at this one.
Say, that's my favourite too.
I got it at the Other Realm Outlet Mall.
It really brings out my eyes, huh? If your eyes were a frightening shade of purple.
You should see my mother-in-law.
They said she's as ugly as sin.
Sin sued.
Hilda, you don't have a mother-in-law.
She's not so much a mother-in-law as a big tub of goo.
A tub who says I don't make enough money.
Aha.
What's going on? I don't know.
Maybe it has something to do with this belt.
- I can't get it off! - Oh.
Oh, no, Hilda, it's a borscht belt.
It won't come off until you've told a million jokes.
A million jokes.
Oh, well, then I should tell you about my ex-wife.
I took her everywhere.
It was easier than having to kiss her goodbye.
Ha! - Help me.
- I could try to get you a job opening for Marilyn McCoo.
[TOASTER DINGS.]
Oh, not now.
Oh, Hilda, I'm sorry, but I've been summoned to the Other Realm.
I'll be back to help you as soon as I can.
Meanwhile, don't quit your day job.
No, no, don't cancel it.
I promise, Sabrina's not always dull.
Hey, you're home from lunch.
Wanna go skydiving? I just wanna put my feet up, eat cereal and summon the strength to get through the rest of the day.
I know what would be relaxing, juggling steak knives.
Or we could just talk.
Teen pregnancy, what are your thoughts? Well, I'm against teen pregnancy, but I'm for you juggling steak knives.
Well, at least she exited with a joke.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
Aah! The Grim Reaper! No, Sabrina! It's me, Aunt Zelda.
The grim part is this material doesn't breathe.
I'm so sorry I scared you, dear.
Every witch has to do this at some point.
It's like jury duty without the free doughnuts.
I find it unsettling that my aunt goes around telling people it's time to die.
Wait, that's not why you're talking to me, is it? No, no, no.
You've got it all wrong.
This is merely a service for witches who don't take bad news well.
Like an IRS audit or a particularly nasty boil.
We break it to them gently.
But why the outfit? Tradition.
And the traditional clipboard? Well, we give them a receipt for tax purposes.
[BEEPER PLAYS "DOOMSDAY" THEME.]
Oh, well, duty calls.
Someone's about to bounce a cheque.
LIBBY: Mrs.
Quick, I can't see because of the glare from Sabrina's sash.
Class, please, I don't want to hear anyone making fun of how stupid Sabrina looks.
Look, I swear on my mother's grave-- Okay, my mother's condo.
--Sabrina's World is gonna get much more exciting.
I can't tell you how, exactly, but let's just say it involves a whole lot of blood.
Salem, can you pick this clasp with your claws? That was Sabrina.
She forgot something really important for chemistry class.
- What is it? - A barrel of nuclear waste.
[SCREAMS.]
Is that nuclear waste? According to the label.
But the label's burning because it's leaking.
- Oh, my.
- You're the safety monitor.
What do we do? Okay, everybody stay calm, get in single file and run for your lives! [STUDENTS YELLING.]
It's okay, everyone, just a little minor radiation.
None of us wanted to have kids anyway, right? Oh, very disappointing, Miss Spellman.
In my day, safety monitors cleaned up toxic spills themselves.
And I've got the lesions to prove it.
- Yello? - Salem, it's Sabrina.
Something strange is going on.
Good.
I mean, Sabrina's not here.
[DIAL TONE.]
Well, I'm out of here.
I've gotta drop off some dry cleaning and tell a guy about his prostate.
Oh, that reminds me.
Sabrina called.
She needs to get her grey dress cleaned.
Oh.
[SCREAMS.]
[SIGHS.]
Next year, uniforms.
Anyone home? Anyone who happened to see my clothes? Hey, I'm on TV.
I'm on TV? People are probably watching this right now, and I'm wearing a shrubbery.
Salem! First things first, no mortals around.
And now to eliminate the cat.
What's all this? Your fan mail.
"I love your show.
Is it hard to drool that much while you're sleeping?" - Gross.
- Is it? I have an overbite.
All right, all right.
Hey, Mom.
No nukes.
Heh.
[SALEM GROANING.]
Salem? Someone better be harming you.
Oh, yes.
Oh-ho, very good.
Oh, right there.
Sven, of all the perks I've gotten from this television show, you're my favourite.
In fact, you're officially in my entourage.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
A little rough, Sven.
[MOANING.]
Hey, Sabrina? Oh, well, then you obviously haven't been watching TV.
Oh, you found out, huh? Yeah.
Salem, how many people watched me hawk up a phlegm ball this morning? Morning is a low-viewing time, so I'd say not more than millions? - Millions? - You're a huge star.
Especially in prisons.
This stops now.
I don't know where you've hidden your cameras, but I want them gone, understand? Sorry, sweetie.
I own the rights to your life.
I've got a contract and it's ironclad.
I didn't sign anything.
No, but the cat did.
Oh, go ahead and try to fight it.
By the time it reach the courts, we'll be watching your dotage.
Would you like an herbal wrap? I'm sorry, Sabrina.
If the contract is ironclad, there's no way out.
A marriage contract? My husband says marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Ha! Her husband? It's a long story.
You know, I've heard of television shows getting cancelled when their ratings are lousy, but short of that happening, you're sunk.
Hey, great idea.
I'll just make my show unbearably dull.
That way, no one'll watch it.
It'll get yanked.
Watch out, young lady.
With that approach, someday you'll run your own network.
Ha-ha.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Harvey, what happened? I'm sure it was very dull.
You remember when I went to the mall to buy socks? Yes.
Great topic.
So did you go with the all-cotton or the wool-poly blend? Believe it or not, that wasn't the exciting part.
On the way to the mall, I rescued this family from a burning building.
I see.
Well, so, back to the socks.
And there I was, eating a Mr.
Slushy, when suddenly, I heard someone cry for help.
HILDA: Ow! Ow! Does that welding torch have to be so hot? Ow! Ow! What size was your slushy? Shouldn't we go see if whoever was screaming can be helped? No, she's just memorising her lines.
Community theatre.
Heh.
This dullness thing won't last.
- Sabrina will break.
- She better.
ZELDA: Okay, kids, I'm off.
Somebody's got asbestos in his crawl space.
Was that your aunt dressed like the Grim Reaper? [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Yeah, she's in the same play.
There she is, there she is.
It's TV's Sabrina.
Smile.
Oh, why, these are the other members of the theatre company.
They must be having a dress rehearsal.
What play are they doing? Two Gentlemen of Verona? Mrs.
Quick, what happened to your face? Oh, Sabrina, remember when I told you that peas were the one vegetable I wasn't allergic to? I was horribly wrong.
Would you like to hear about my near-death experience? No.
Actually, I'd rather talk to you about Jell-O.
But I saw God.
Guess what? After school, the mayor's gonna give me a medal.
Wanna ride in the limo with me? Harvey, do you mind? We were having a conversation about Jell-O.
[OVER TV.]
I'm a lime girl myself.
Saberhagen, our ratings are plummeting.
We've gotta do something.
Add a laugh track? [MOTOR REVVING.]
[GRUNTS.]
That thing won't budge.
Like my husband's hand on his wallet.
Zellie, what am I gonna do? Bryce will be here any minute.
Maybe he won't have a sense of humour and he'll find you funny.
Zelda, there's something that I haven't told you about Bryce.
He's short, really short.
Why, he's so short, he has to reach up to tie his shoes.
Oh, my, he's gonna be a joke magnet.
- Help.
- Okay.
Well, how about if I stay for dinner and do all the talking for you? Oh, that would be great, except you look like death.
Oh, right.
Well, I'll just tell him it's religious garb.
Zellie, what would I do without you? Besides throw one heck of a party.
Ha! Two hundred seventy-seven, Sabrina, will you please stop counting the ceiling tiles? Now you made me mess up.
SABRINA [OVER TV.]
: One, two, three, - Ceiling tiles, huh? Heh-heh.
- four, five There is no way I'm letting this show get cancelled.
I haven't had a hit since Make Room for Nostradamus.
I found that show very predictable.
Predict this.
[WIND ROARING.]
There's a twister in the hallway! [ALL SCREAMING.]
Head for the root cellar! ALL: Huh? - Sorry, I'm from the Midwest.
- I just know Salem's behind this.
HARVEY: Come on.
- Aren't you gonna help? - Oh, a tornado's just like a cold.
You just have to let it run its course.
She's just sitting there.
Yet I'm riveted.
Hilda, Bryce is here.
He wanted me to warn you.
He's misplaced his toupee.
- Hi, Hilda.
- Hi, Bryce.
A pool hall called-- Ooh! That's quite a cough you got there, Hilda.
[COUGHING.]
I'm afraid Hilda's picked up a nasty virus that prevents her from talking.
- Laryngitis? - Much worse.
Because my family has a home remedy.
We're Polish, you know.
- Mm.
- Easy, girl.
[BEEPER PLAYING "DOOMSDAY" THEME.]
I'm afraid I have to run a small errand.
Another symptom.
I'll be right back.
Whatever he says, don't talk.
Okay, be brutal.
How do I look without the hairpiece? Mr.
Kraft, what are we going to do? Well, why don't we ask our safety monitor? Oh, well, we could talk about Jell-O? It's rule number one of television: when things get slow, add conflict.
[RUMBLING.]
But not the kind of conflict that requires reconstructive surgery.
I will not let this be exciting.
Was that an earthquake? Or a big truck.
It is trash day.
Just thinking out loud here, but is this such a good idea? If something should happen to our star, I could have a few really uncomfortable weeks at home.
Not that I don't like good TV.
I haven't had this much trouble with a star since Gentle Ben.
MAN [OVER TV.]
: Oh, my God! [CACKLING.]
In a way, this is like a ride.
This is Massachusetts, why are we having earthquakes? Democrats! Do something! My life is at stake here.
Maybe if I brace you, you could just flip through the safety monitor's manual.
Listen up! If we all stay calm, and more importantly, uninteresting, I might be able to lead us all to a fire exit.
That's better.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Have my eyes swollen shut or did the lights go out? Is there anyone here who is qualified to take confession? Oh, I've heard about this guy.
He won't accept bad news.
- Hello.
- I'm afraid I have bad news.
- Your shoes-- - Sorry.
Nobody home.
Come here, you little asparagus spears.
Zelda, hurry.
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
Hello? Anyone there? My greatest wish is that they find my body at least a few feet away from you people.
Come on, guys.
We're almost out of here.
We're all gonna die.
We're just all gonna die! Mr.
Kraft, would you please stop clutching my hand? And mine! HARVEY: I'm sorry.
I think that's me.
Hmm.
There's a sauce that'll put some hair on your chest.
- Yes? - Your shoes will give you athlete's foot.
Sorry, didn't hear you.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
See? Except for a few cases of post-traumatic stress disorder, we're all gonna be okay.
[RUMBLING.]
Aftershock! Oh, will it never end? I give up.
It's never gonna stop! Never! Never! Never! I'm sorry, Sabrina.
You're on my last nerve.
If I don't make it out of here, give this to my lawyer.
It's a declaration of love.
Oh, that's for Sandra Bullock.
I know you saw me and I know you heard me.
Now, sign the freaking receipt so I can be on my way.
- Can't write.
- Aah! Yes.
We made it.
HARVEY: We didn't have to resort to cannibalism.
Hold it.
Who's gonna represent us in our lawsuit against the school? [HEAVY FOOTSTEPS THUDDING.]
[ANIMAL ROARING.]
Please let that be the sophomore with the glandular condition.
Is it the fat sophomore? What do you think? Nope.
Walter's legs are not that green.
Dinosaur! Mrs.
Quick, you may have to slap me.
Now, let's be calm.
What's happened is the Earth's tectonic plates have shifted, certain gaseous solutions have imploded, and we're all going to die.
- Go, safety monitor! - What? Wait, you expect me to face that creature alone? Of course not.
Here.
- Uhn! - Aim high.
I have to admit, this is pretty exciting.
More corn? [DINOSAUR GROWLING.]
Okay, I'll just engage it in friendly conversation, then maybe it'll go away.
What language do giant lizards speak? Of course, Japanese.
[IN JAPANESE.]
I didn't know Sabrina could speak Japanese.
Oh, yes.
It's part of every safety monitor's training.
DINOSAUR [IN FRENCH.]
: A French dinosaur.
I only wish this was the strangest thing I've ever encountered.
[IN FRENCH.]
DINOSAUR: DINOSAUR: Hilda, I know something's wrong.
I don't think you even have laryngitis.
I think it was all a bald-faced lie.
Sorry.
I don't mean to be short.
Short? You're so short, when it rains, you're the last to know.
You could milk a cow standing up.
And bald? You're so bald, an eagle tried to hatch your head.
You know what? There's a cure for baldness.
It's called hair.
Boy, Sabrina, you really saved the day.
You know, all this drama has helped me put my life in perspective.
For example, I no longer obsess over the fact that a single pea could kill me.
Ha.
Thanks for being so brave, Sabrina.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was brave.
It was exciting.
This whole day stinks.
Let's not forget who appointed her safety monitor.
You know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna make you a bowl of Jell-O.
I never knew you liked it so much.
Hilda, I've got bad news.
Bryce is going to break up with you.
You're too late.
He just left.
Oh, Hildie, I'm so sorry.
Sign the receipt.
Hey, Sabrina.
Everything okay? No.
My life has become such an adventure that Sabrina's World will never be cancelled.
My hometown was so small, you couldn't buy a house without exact change.
Our family doctor worked at Joe's Hospital and Grill.
What's Aunt Hilda doing in my slot? Well, I paid a little visit to your TV producer.
My outfit made him kind of nervous, so he made me a deal.
If I didn't kill him, he'd cancel Sabrina's World.
I thought you didn't actually kill people.
Well, I don't.
But I sort of mumbled his bad news and he thought I said he was going to die.
- What was the news? - He was gonna get a bad piece of pie.
Seriously, a man walks into a bar, says to a horse, - "Why the long face?" - Oh, dear.
You know, I'm gonna start reading more.