That '70s Show s03e21 Episode Script
Fez Dates Donna
[R&B Ballad.]
- [Slurping.]
- [Jukebox: Continues.]
[Sighs.]
That is the saddest sound in the world.
[Loud Slurp.]
[Sighs.]
No more soda for Fez.
And no more money for- - Fez, do you need me to buy you another soda? - Eric, you do not buy soda.
You only rent it.
You know what I mean.
I mean, you pee it out.
Yeah, I got it.
Go.
Well, I'll have to remember that phone number.
- Hi, Fez! - Caroline! What are you doing? I knew you'd be in here.
I saw you had the large root beer.
- Caroline, you have to leave me alone.
- But I wanna be with you! But I told you we're through because I am with Donna.
Yes? Remember? Donna? Well, you'd better be, because if you're not that means you still love me.
And if you still love me but you're not with me, I'll make you pay.
That would only be scary if I was lying about Donna and me.
[Weak Chuckle.]
Well, if you are lying I'll know, because I'll be watching you.
Go ahead.
I'm not afraid.
Oh, Eric, I'm afraid.
What's wrong? When I broke up with crazy Caroline, I told her I was dating Donna.
But I'm not dating Donna.
You are dating Donna.
Hey! Could I borrow Donna? Sure.
Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! I don't wanna blink, 'cause I'm afraid to miss even a second of your cuteness.
I know.
It's torture for me too.
I could tear your eyelids off.
Let's go, Michael, to a place where our love is understood.
Oh, hey, while you're there check out the new monkey house.
It never ends with those two.
I love you, I love you, I love you- [Raspberry.]
Guys, it won't last.
Look, an object in an unnatural state must return to its natural state.
Thus, Kelso and Jackie'll have a fight any day.
Really? It's simple physics.
Hey, you guys, you know what? We should get a pool going.
We'll draw days for five bucks.
If they fight on your day, you win the pot.
The pot? If that's the prize, I am in.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Donna, I can't thank you enough for agreeing to helPme with Caroline.
Hey, anything for a friend.
But if she tries to hurt me, I'm using you as a shield.
Likewise.
So, while you're with Fez, looks like Forman'll be living the single life.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, now you won't get to take me to see The Turning Point.
The ballerina movie? Oh, no.
Need somethin', Bob? Well, it's a funny thing.
The wife and I, we're taking out a second mortgage on the house.
Well, that's not the funny part 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Anyways I'm looking at the deed to the property and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.
How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass? I wouldn't, to be quite honest.
It's free.
So, our first date.
I guess we're officially a couple now.
A couple of knuckleheads, huh? [Sighs.]
May we laugh.
- Oh! There she is.
- Okay.
Showtime.
- [Coin Drops.]
- [Slaps Side Panel.]
[Disco.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Groans.]
[Yawning.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, should I watch a ballerina movie or Get Smart? - [Snaps.]
- Get Smart it is.
That's right.
I said Get Smart.
[TV: Theme.]
I'm sorry, Donna.
Did you want the last piece? [Laughs.]
Well, it's too late.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
I said too late.
Yeah, that was me.
That's right.
That was me.
Hey, Hyde! Welcome to the bachelor life.
You know, without Donna I've realized that I can revert to my natural state.
I'm dirty, I'm lazy and I don't wear pants.
- I'm just like you.
- No, no.
See, I'm an original.
A Warhol.
You're just a print.
Those are some pretty strong words coming from a guy who's wearing pants.
Wait.
This is my favorite part.
[TV: Tires Screech.]
Oh, yeah, that was me.
That's right.
That was me.
! Bob, that's my stuff! You put the hell back my stuff! Sorry, Red.
It was in my part of the garage.
What are you talking about? What is he talking about? Kitty- Kitty, let me talk to him.
Bob, get the hell out of my garage! Fine.
There ya go.
Hey.
Hey, how goes the pool? Great.
I sold 15 spots.
I got today.
You got tomorrow.
What? That bites.
They're never gonna last until then.
Who won't last until what? - What? Huh? - Huh? What? Oh.
Oh.
I, uh- I smashed a couple of toes.
We're waiting to see how long before the nails fall off.
I wanna play.
Uh, Michael, you're a little busy right now.
But, Jackie, those toenails could fall off at any minute.
Hey! Me! I'm sorry, puddin'.
All right.
Now I feel like pudding.
Hey! Me too! Let's go.
Well, I believe this is mine.
Thank you all for playing.
What? That wasn't a fight.
Okay, we'll let Fez decide.
Fez, fight or no? Sorry, Eric.
I have to say no.
- The pool goes on.
- But, Fez, l- It goes on.
Ah, what the hell? Now I want pudding.
I'm with you, brother.
Let's roll.
Thank God.
I thought they'd never leave.
No, no.
Don't get all gussied up for me.
I just came by to make sure you're okay.
You know, not too lonely without me.
What, are you kidding me? I'm having a great time! L- I feel like I've really learned a lot about Eric.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad you're having fun.
Oh, but what about you? Pretending to be Fez's girlfriend has to be kind of a drag.
Right? No! Fez is great.
Last night he took me to play putt-putt.
And tonight he's taking me on a hayride.
Fez is so charming.
You know, I can see why Caroline's stalking him.
- You know, I would've taken you on a hayride- - Eric, Eric.
The important thing is that you're having a great time, and I'm having a great time.
So have a great time.
No, you have a great time.
Oh, I will.
Well, I will too.
[Door OPens, Closes.]
Eric, I cannot thank you enough for lending me your girlfriend.
It feels so good to be in a normal, healthy relationship.
Fez, it's a fake, pretend relationship.
You say tomato, I say tomato.
Fez, "to-mah-to.
" What? You say "to-mah-to.
" Why would I say "to-mah-to"? That's not even a word, dummy.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Eric.
Different strokes for different strokes.
Right.
All I know is, if I was married to a woman like Donna it would be heavens.
Oh, the high jinks we would get into.
Lucy, I'm home! Ricky, is that you? [Braying Laughter.]
Lucy, what happened to you? Oh, Ricky, I was making molasses cookies for your band and I had an accident! Oh, Lucy.
- Uh-oh.
- Ricky! - We're stuck! - [Doorbell Rings.]
I'll get it.
Ayayayayay.
! [Speaking Spanish.]
[Grunts.]
Hi, neighbors! Lucy, I brought you that flour for your cookies.
Oh, Ethel, you're a pal! Gee, Fred, would it hurt you to hug me like that? Well, probably not.
But why take the chance? Hey, Fred, we got a sticky situation here.
You wanna help us out? Sure, Rick.
Watch it, Fred! Boy, you kids really are stuck.
[Grunts.]
Waaaaah! Waaaaah! Waaaaah! Oh, Lucy.
Well, I'm off to romance our lady.
Oh- Hey, Fez, Donna hasn't been I don't know, like, mentioning me or anything? No.
Well, that- that's okay.
That's good, 'cause I haven't been talking about her either.
Of course, I've been alone, so I'd just be talking to myself.
And that's not normal.
Have to be pretty crazy to talk to myself, wouldn't I? Yes.
Yes, I would.
Okay, I gotta get some pants.
[TV.]
Damn.
[Clears Throat.]
Oh, hey, Kelso, uh Pam Macy called and she said she had a really great time making out with you last night.
- Michael! - No! No! We did not! Fight! Fight! Fight! - No fair, man.
- Shut up! - My day's almost over! Now, hurry up and fight! - What? - [Gasps, Squeals.]
- Oh, no! - Would you watch it! - Isn't Kelso a klutz? I think you should hit him.
Steven, why are you trying to make us fight? 'Cause I've got today in the pool.
Come on, Jackie, hit him! Oh, my God.
I get it.
The pool wasn't about Steven's toenails.
These idiots bet on when you and I would fight.
Kelso! Are you gonna take that, man? She called your friends idiots.
You better start kickin' some ass! No, wait.
The pool was about us? Damn! I wish I had a piece of that! You would wager against our love? Well, damn, Jackie! In a lifetime, how often do you have a run at a sure thing? - [Groans.]
- Game over! - [Laughs.]
- What's all the racket? Oh, that's just the sweet sound of me winning 75 bucks.
Aha.
! Not so fast, cheater.
! It's two minutes past midnight, which means it's the next day, which means you lose.
Ah! Serves you right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, shut up, Michael.
Looks like the winner is "R.
F.
" Who's R.
F.
? I believe this is mine.
Thank you all very much.
All right, hand over my preserves.
They were in our garage, and now they're not.
Oh, that's terrible, Kitty.
Why don't you sit down and relax with some toast and homemade jam? - Jam? - Yeah.
We found it in our garage.
It's our garage! And that's my jam! Bon aPPétit.
! You know, you two just don't get it, do you? That jam was on my property.
I'll show you the deed.
[Clears Throat.]
There's my lot.
There's yours.
There's the property line right there.
Oops.
Well- [Clears Throat.]
Looks like I own part of your property.
I, uh- I will not stand for this trickery! You get out of my house! No problem.
- [Projector Running.]
- Okay.
No one answered the phone at Eric's house.
What could he be doing? Where could he go with no pants? Donna, when we're in public, you are with me.
Eric is dead to you.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Move it! Oh, boy.
Here comes trouble.
Caroline.
[Chuckles.]
I was just offering my girlfriend Donna a sip from my straw.
We don't care about germs, because she has had her tongue in my mouth.
You know what I think? I think this is all an act.
I don't think you're really dating.
Oh, yeah? Well-Well, maybe- maybe this will convince you.
Come on, Donna.
Put some leg into it.
Give me a break.
If you were really together, you'd have at least gotten to second base by now.
You know, when you are right, you are right.
All right, all right.
Enough.
Caroline, Fez doesn't like you.
Is that true, Fez? Yes.
Wow.
I guess we really are over.
Okay! Enjoy your movie.
[Movie: Classical.]
- Ow.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
- Hey, Eric.
Lookin' good.
Call me.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Eric, what are you doing here? Are you kidding me? It's The Turning Point.
I love ballet movies.
They make you think, you know? How did their feet get so pointy? That's a mystery I'm determined to solve.
- What? - You miss me.
Well you missed me.
I really did.
Excuse me.
Our date is not over.
Now, good day, sir.
- But, Fez- - I said good day.
Fez, I'm not going anywhere.
Fine.
Then good day.
- [Donna.]
Fez! - I said good day! Lucy, these brownies are wonderful.
They make me feel silly.
Don't you just love those dried mint flakes? Someone sold 'em to me off the street! Um, I don't think these are mint flakes.
I'm flyin'! Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do.
[Braying Laughter.]
- [Slurping.]
- [Jukebox: Continues.]
[Sighs.]
That is the saddest sound in the world.
[Loud Slurp.]
[Sighs.]
No more soda for Fez.
And no more money for- - Fez, do you need me to buy you another soda? - Eric, you do not buy soda.
You only rent it.
You know what I mean.
I mean, you pee it out.
Yeah, I got it.
Go.
Well, I'll have to remember that phone number.
- Hi, Fez! - Caroline! What are you doing? I knew you'd be in here.
I saw you had the large root beer.
- Caroline, you have to leave me alone.
- But I wanna be with you! But I told you we're through because I am with Donna.
Yes? Remember? Donna? Well, you'd better be, because if you're not that means you still love me.
And if you still love me but you're not with me, I'll make you pay.
That would only be scary if I was lying about Donna and me.
[Weak Chuckle.]
Well, if you are lying I'll know, because I'll be watching you.
Go ahead.
I'm not afraid.
Oh, Eric, I'm afraid.
What's wrong? When I broke up with crazy Caroline, I told her I was dating Donna.
But I'm not dating Donna.
You are dating Donna.
Hey! Could I borrow Donna? Sure.
Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! I don't wanna blink, 'cause I'm afraid to miss even a second of your cuteness.
I know.
It's torture for me too.
I could tear your eyelids off.
Let's go, Michael, to a place where our love is understood.
Oh, hey, while you're there check out the new monkey house.
It never ends with those two.
I love you, I love you, I love you- [Raspberry.]
Guys, it won't last.
Look, an object in an unnatural state must return to its natural state.
Thus, Kelso and Jackie'll have a fight any day.
Really? It's simple physics.
Hey, you guys, you know what? We should get a pool going.
We'll draw days for five bucks.
If they fight on your day, you win the pot.
The pot? If that's the prize, I am in.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Donna, I can't thank you enough for agreeing to helPme with Caroline.
Hey, anything for a friend.
But if she tries to hurt me, I'm using you as a shield.
Likewise.
So, while you're with Fez, looks like Forman'll be living the single life.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, now you won't get to take me to see The Turning Point.
The ballerina movie? Oh, no.
Need somethin', Bob? Well, it's a funny thing.
The wife and I, we're taking out a second mortgage on the house.
Well, that's not the funny part 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Anyways I'm looking at the deed to the property and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.
How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass? I wouldn't, to be quite honest.
It's free.
So, our first date.
I guess we're officially a couple now.
A couple of knuckleheads, huh? [Sighs.]
May we laugh.
- Oh! There she is.
- Okay.
Showtime.
- [Coin Drops.]
- [Slaps Side Panel.]
[Disco.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Groans.]
[Yawning.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, should I watch a ballerina movie or Get Smart? - [Snaps.]
- Get Smart it is.
That's right.
I said Get Smart.
[TV: Theme.]
I'm sorry, Donna.
Did you want the last piece? [Laughs.]
Well, it's too late.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
I said too late.
Yeah, that was me.
That's right.
That was me.
Hey, Hyde! Welcome to the bachelor life.
You know, without Donna I've realized that I can revert to my natural state.
I'm dirty, I'm lazy and I don't wear pants.
- I'm just like you.
- No, no.
See, I'm an original.
A Warhol.
You're just a print.
Those are some pretty strong words coming from a guy who's wearing pants.
Wait.
This is my favorite part.
[TV: Tires Screech.]
Oh, yeah, that was me.
That's right.
That was me.
! Bob, that's my stuff! You put the hell back my stuff! Sorry, Red.
It was in my part of the garage.
What are you talking about? What is he talking about? Kitty- Kitty, let me talk to him.
Bob, get the hell out of my garage! Fine.
There ya go.
Hey.
Hey, how goes the pool? Great.
I sold 15 spots.
I got today.
You got tomorrow.
What? That bites.
They're never gonna last until then.
Who won't last until what? - What? Huh? - Huh? What? Oh.
Oh.
I, uh- I smashed a couple of toes.
We're waiting to see how long before the nails fall off.
I wanna play.
Uh, Michael, you're a little busy right now.
But, Jackie, those toenails could fall off at any minute.
Hey! Me! I'm sorry, puddin'.
All right.
Now I feel like pudding.
Hey! Me too! Let's go.
Well, I believe this is mine.
Thank you all for playing.
What? That wasn't a fight.
Okay, we'll let Fez decide.
Fez, fight or no? Sorry, Eric.
I have to say no.
- The pool goes on.
- But, Fez, l- It goes on.
Ah, what the hell? Now I want pudding.
I'm with you, brother.
Let's roll.
Thank God.
I thought they'd never leave.
No, no.
Don't get all gussied up for me.
I just came by to make sure you're okay.
You know, not too lonely without me.
What, are you kidding me? I'm having a great time! L- I feel like I've really learned a lot about Eric.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad you're having fun.
Oh, but what about you? Pretending to be Fez's girlfriend has to be kind of a drag.
Right? No! Fez is great.
Last night he took me to play putt-putt.
And tonight he's taking me on a hayride.
Fez is so charming.
You know, I can see why Caroline's stalking him.
- You know, I would've taken you on a hayride- - Eric, Eric.
The important thing is that you're having a great time, and I'm having a great time.
So have a great time.
No, you have a great time.
Oh, I will.
Well, I will too.
[Door OPens, Closes.]
Eric, I cannot thank you enough for lending me your girlfriend.
It feels so good to be in a normal, healthy relationship.
Fez, it's a fake, pretend relationship.
You say tomato, I say tomato.
Fez, "to-mah-to.
" What? You say "to-mah-to.
" Why would I say "to-mah-to"? That's not even a word, dummy.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Eric.
Different strokes for different strokes.
Right.
All I know is, if I was married to a woman like Donna it would be heavens.
Oh, the high jinks we would get into.
Lucy, I'm home! Ricky, is that you? [Braying Laughter.]
Lucy, what happened to you? Oh, Ricky, I was making molasses cookies for your band and I had an accident! Oh, Lucy.
- Uh-oh.
- Ricky! - We're stuck! - [Doorbell Rings.]
I'll get it.
Ayayayayay.
! [Speaking Spanish.]
[Grunts.]
Hi, neighbors! Lucy, I brought you that flour for your cookies.
Oh, Ethel, you're a pal! Gee, Fred, would it hurt you to hug me like that? Well, probably not.
But why take the chance? Hey, Fred, we got a sticky situation here.
You wanna help us out? Sure, Rick.
Watch it, Fred! Boy, you kids really are stuck.
[Grunts.]
Waaaaah! Waaaaah! Waaaaah! Oh, Lucy.
Well, I'm off to romance our lady.
Oh- Hey, Fez, Donna hasn't been I don't know, like, mentioning me or anything? No.
Well, that- that's okay.
That's good, 'cause I haven't been talking about her either.
Of course, I've been alone, so I'd just be talking to myself.
And that's not normal.
Have to be pretty crazy to talk to myself, wouldn't I? Yes.
Yes, I would.
Okay, I gotta get some pants.
[TV.]
Damn.
[Clears Throat.]
Oh, hey, Kelso, uh Pam Macy called and she said she had a really great time making out with you last night.
- Michael! - No! No! We did not! Fight! Fight! Fight! - No fair, man.
- Shut up! - My day's almost over! Now, hurry up and fight! - What? - [Gasps, Squeals.]
- Oh, no! - Would you watch it! - Isn't Kelso a klutz? I think you should hit him.
Steven, why are you trying to make us fight? 'Cause I've got today in the pool.
Come on, Jackie, hit him! Oh, my God.
I get it.
The pool wasn't about Steven's toenails.
These idiots bet on when you and I would fight.
Kelso! Are you gonna take that, man? She called your friends idiots.
You better start kickin' some ass! No, wait.
The pool was about us? Damn! I wish I had a piece of that! You would wager against our love? Well, damn, Jackie! In a lifetime, how often do you have a run at a sure thing? - [Groans.]
- Game over! - [Laughs.]
- What's all the racket? Oh, that's just the sweet sound of me winning 75 bucks.
Aha.
! Not so fast, cheater.
! It's two minutes past midnight, which means it's the next day, which means you lose.
Ah! Serves you right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, shut up, Michael.
Looks like the winner is "R.
F.
" Who's R.
F.
? I believe this is mine.
Thank you all very much.
All right, hand over my preserves.
They were in our garage, and now they're not.
Oh, that's terrible, Kitty.
Why don't you sit down and relax with some toast and homemade jam? - Jam? - Yeah.
We found it in our garage.
It's our garage! And that's my jam! Bon aPPétit.
! You know, you two just don't get it, do you? That jam was on my property.
I'll show you the deed.
[Clears Throat.]
There's my lot.
There's yours.
There's the property line right there.
Oops.
Well- [Clears Throat.]
Looks like I own part of your property.
I, uh- I will not stand for this trickery! You get out of my house! No problem.
- [Projector Running.]
- Okay.
No one answered the phone at Eric's house.
What could he be doing? Where could he go with no pants? Donna, when we're in public, you are with me.
Eric is dead to you.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Move it! Oh, boy.
Here comes trouble.
Caroline.
[Chuckles.]
I was just offering my girlfriend Donna a sip from my straw.
We don't care about germs, because she has had her tongue in my mouth.
You know what I think? I think this is all an act.
I don't think you're really dating.
Oh, yeah? Well-Well, maybe- maybe this will convince you.
Come on, Donna.
Put some leg into it.
Give me a break.
If you were really together, you'd have at least gotten to second base by now.
You know, when you are right, you are right.
All right, all right.
Enough.
Caroline, Fez doesn't like you.
Is that true, Fez? Yes.
Wow.
I guess we really are over.
Okay! Enjoy your movie.
[Movie: Classical.]
- Ow.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
- Hey, Eric.
Lookin' good.
Call me.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Eric, what are you doing here? Are you kidding me? It's The Turning Point.
I love ballet movies.
They make you think, you know? How did their feet get so pointy? That's a mystery I'm determined to solve.
- What? - You miss me.
Well you missed me.
I really did.
Excuse me.
Our date is not over.
Now, good day, sir.
- But, Fez- - I said good day.
Fez, I'm not going anywhere.
Fine.
Then good day.
- [Donna.]
Fez! - I said good day! Lucy, these brownies are wonderful.
They make me feel silly.
Don't you just love those dried mint flakes? Someone sold 'em to me off the street! Um, I don't think these are mint flakes.
I'm flyin'! Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do.
[Braying Laughter.]