The Bionic Woman (1976) s03e21 Episode Script

1
We want you to assume
the identity of a real criminal.
But I am not going to go
on a dangerous mission
with somebody by the name
of Petie the Weasel.
Yeah, Buenos Aires.
Forget it, bub.
This is a private road,
sefiorita,
JAIME: Not exactly the
Beverly Hills Hotel, is it?
Don't let appearances fool you.
Well, it's very comforting
to know that we're so safe.
A dancer?
If she doesn't dance,
you are a dead man.
Don't let her get away.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(DOG BARKING)
OSCAR: Down, Max. Come on.
Get down. JAIME: He likes you.
Yes, yes.
Oh, I love you too, pal.
But get down now.
You stay. Come on, stay.
He likes you.
Well, I like him too, Jaime,
but I just don't want his tongue
all over my face. That's all.
This mission
isn't starting off very well.
Go on, get on
the couch. Go on.
I don't know how to tell you
this, Jaime, so I'm not going to try.
This is your next assignment.
What am I doing
on a wanted poster?
We want you to assume
the identity of a real criminal.
Now, the real Blondie Malone is safely
tucked away in a maximum security prison.
That's as respectable
a reputation as you can get,
considering where you're going.
And where might that be?
The town of Hidalgo, in
the country of San Rafael.
A notorious refuge for criminals,
extortionists, murderers, gangsters.
In fact, the place
is full of nothing else.
So, in order to make
the guest list of Hidalgo,
you have to make the Ten
Most Wanted List here first?
Guess so.
I think I'm going to need a little more
information before I commit to this one.
This, which is
practically nothing,
is all we have on a master
criminal called Frank Boylin.
Two weeks ago, he pulled off one of
the biggest robberies in criminal history.
Somehow, he got into the U.S. Mint and
stole the engraving plates of our $100 bill.
Now what we have to do
is get those plates back
before he peddles them
to an unfriendly power
who'll probably use them
to attack our currency.
And you think
he's gone to Hidalgo
and you want me to
follow him in there.
Right.
Wrong.
Listen, you've got plenty of men who can
handle this job. Why are you sending me?
I sent two of my agents
into Hidalgo.
I haven't heard from them since.
Oh, swell.
And besides, one of the few
things we know about Frank Boylin
is that he has a great
fondness for beautiful ladies.
And since you're the most
beautiful lady in the OSI
You think all this flattery is
going to get me to go, don't you?
Yes, how'd you know?
Yeah, I probably will.
Okay. How am I going to
recognize this gentleman?
You won't have to.
Send in the Weasel.
The what?
We call him the Weasel.
His real name is Petie Regan.
Petie.
Hello, Petie.
Hi, Mr. Goldman.
Hey, big fella.
(DOG GROWLS)
Petie, I'd like you
to meet Jaime Sommers.
How do you do?
Petie is the only one we know who
recognizes Frank Boylin on sight.
That's right.
Frankie and me did the first security
armored car job in Philly. It was 1973.
Then the fink
splits with my cut.
Petie is helping us
out of self-interest.
I've arranged for parole
for him at State Prison.
If you don't bring Frank
back, back to prison you go.
Well, you don't want to do that, Mr. Goldman.
I wouldn't last a week. They'll kill me.
Does that have anything to do
with your nickname Weasel?
Well, yeah
I get along with everybody.
When the guys see me talking to
the warden or some of the guards,
you know I don't know They
figured I was stealing on them.
You know, stir does a
paranoid trip to their minds.
(STAMMERING)
Uh, no offense, Mr. Weasel,
but I am not going to go
on a dangerous mission
with somebody by the name
of Petie the Weasel.
Please get me someone else.
Lady, please.
Jaime, give me the break.
You'll never regret it.
Okay.
PETIE: How much money did
Goldman give you for the flash roll?
JAIME: $7500.
Great. I got an idea.
Hidalgo's a high rent area.
Hey listen, you better
let me carry it.
Not a chance,
Mr. Weasel.
I wish you wouldn't
say my name like that.
And that was in '68.
But I've got to admit the
smoothest job I ever pulled
was the one with Boylin.
What a team we were.
How long has it been
since you've seen Boylin?
About four years. Hey, don't
worry. I never forget a face.
I hope not.
This had better be
the last plane, Petie,
because, I'm not going to fly in
anything smaller than this, okay?
Well, it is the last one. Look,
stop complaining, will you?
Once we get to San Rafael
I'll get us a limousine.
So this is the limousine, huh?
Well yeah. Compared to
a couple mules.
Aren't you ever happy, Sommers?
Petie, I still don't know why I
have to wear this ridiculous outfit.
Because your first cover's
a down-at-the-heels dancer
I picked up in some
flea-bitten lounge on the coast
where you were lucky
to find work.
Honey, you're coming
with me for a better life.
To Hidalgo?
You should've seen
the place I found you.
Now listen, Jaime,
we're playing my game,
so please be smart enough
to play it my way.
I suppose you want me
to smile at you a lot, too?
Very lovingly.
Now, get your act together.
Hey, look.
I can handle my act, okay?
You handle your act What
are you so headstrong for?
You can
Listen will you please
Watch where you're going.
You see what you've done
with your constant bellyaching?
Crab, crab, crab.
Well, it's no good.
You'll have to use
the winch to get us out.
Just pull out and attach it
to something on the bank.
Well, why don't you do it?
I can drive.
I'm the one that's in danger.
Honey, there's a lot of flash
floods in these tropical zones.
Please, please, just
come on, hurry up, will you?
You just It's very simple.
You just pull it out as I unreel it.
Yuck. I don't believe this.
Petie, there's nothing
to tie it to here.
Tie it to a tree stump.
Alright?
Okay?
Here goes.
Hold on.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
JAIME: You want out,
fella, you got it.
Boy, that's really
a high-speed winch.
Yeah, it's strange
for an old jeep, isn't it?
Come on, get in. Get in.
You've caused me
enough trouble already.
Petie, how long before
we get to Hidalgo?
Never, if you
keep making problems.
Alto, sefior Por favor.
Maybe you'd better stop, huh?
I'll handle it. I'm not
giving this creep any ride.
I don't think
he's going to like that.
Seam. Hey stop
Yeah, well what's he gonna do about it.
(GUNSHOTS)
(GUNSHOT)
(GUNSHOT)
And now that I have
your attention, seiior
Are you headed for Hidalgo?
Si.
No.
It is a little of both, sefior,
This is a private road,
sefiorita,
It only goes to Hidalgo, and
strangers are not welcome there.
Listen, fella.
You're in big trouble.
We don't think your boss would appreciate
his guests being treated in this way.
Get in the back.
I will drive.
Not my jeep you don't.
This revolutionary groupie wouldn't talk
that way if he didn't have his hardware.
If that's the way
you want it, amigo,
I think you'd better
humor this person.
Lucky for him you talked me
out of taking him apart.
Aren't you forgetting
something, my friend?
This jeep ain't going to go
too far on four flat tires.
It's no problem.
Well, he said it was no problem.
And you'd better turn.
Don't tell me
how to steer, Sommers.
Come on.
And there is a problem.
We don't have four spares
for our getaway car.
At least the hotel
doesn't look too bad.
Are you kidding?
It could be worse.
PETIE: Don't stop.
Stop you dumb ox!
There's the hotel.
And that will be $20.
For what?
Towing you into town.
You think I work
for nothing, sefior?
But you shot out my tires.
Pay him.
I will not.
Aye Chihuahua!
Pay him. Pay him.
Gracias, sefior,
You're too kind.
Modesto
You forgot your ox.
Probably stole them anyway.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
I'd just about had it with him.
Anymore static and I'd have
taken his head off.
Go on home, Bossy.
You better let me
carry the big money.
Hey, hey come on.
It's fine right where it is.
I just wanna see it. Get out of
there. It's fine right where it is.
I'd just like to see it.
No.
Boy, you really are a case.
Listen, just play that
Spanish dancer bit to the hilt,
until I give them
the Blondie Malone twist.
Then you flash the mug
shot for proof. You got it?
Yeah.
Come on.
Oh, I'm so crazy
about you, you know.
You're just so mucho macho.
Not exactly the Beverly
Hills Hotel, is it?
JAIME:
You see Boylin anywhere?
No. He's probably
in his room.
Buenas tardes, sefior.
Uh, I'd like a room for
myself and my lady friend.
Well, I think that
can be arranged.
Will you be staying long?
Oh, a few weeks.
We're on vacation.
Well, aren't we all, sefiorita?
Well, I have a nice room
available on the second floor.
That's cash in advance.
I don't take
credit cards, naturally.
Naturally.
How much is it, please?
That will be $1000 a week.
American Plan.
A $1000 a week?
Yes. Well, my customers
like this location.
You see, we're located
where there is no extradition.
That will be in cash,
or stocks, bonds,
negotiable securities,
jewelry, works of art.
My discount is a very fair
50% of face value.
See if Boylin
signed the registry.
There's your key.
You don't want us
to sign the register now?
I gave it up as an exercise
in futility sometime ago.
Nobody ever signs
their real name.
Of course, you might like
to give me yours?
Friend, have you ever
heard of Blondie Malone?
I know Blondie. She was
here just a few years ago.
Why do you ask?
Just wondering.
What's she doing now?
Who knows. Who knows.
I was thinking if she was going to be
here, that I could meet her and say, "Hi."
But you know, we can We can make
friends with the other people here, no?
Why do you want to do that?
Well, if we're going to be
spending a lot of time together,
it'd be nice
to be good neighbors.
My guests consider "good
morning" along conversation.
They like their privacy and I
would suggest you respect theirs.
Sure. Okay.
Would you like me to put this
in the hotel safe?
Oh, we take care
of all valuables.
Oh now, don't let
appearances fool you.
Nobody has ever stolen
anything from that safe.
They have tried,
but I take a very dim view
of anybody who would try to
steal anything from my customers.
Well, it's very comforting
to know that we're so safe.
Come, my little whistle.
Will you stop that?
I have an infallible instinct
for spotting police persons.
The hair stands up
on the back of my neck.
It's rising now and
if it rises any higher,
kill them both.
Nice, huh?
Look at this.
Looks like I'm married to all this
material till we leave here, huh?
I don't know.
These people scare me.
They'd as soon kill us
as look at us.
Probably sooner.
I don't know. Come on,
I'm being negative now.
We'll probably find this
Boylin guy right away
and we can get those plates
and get out of here, huh?
Well, he'll probably come down
at dinner and I'll spot him there.
Mean time, why don't you clean up
while I go get the luggage out of the jeep.
All right?
Plan A down the tubes.
Sommers, about the flash roll.
You're sure that there's
nothing funny about it?
Funny?
You know, queer?
It wouldn't be the first time the
government's sent somebody in with counterfeit
and them not knowing it.
You know what I mean?
Petie, you know what?
There ain't no way you're
getting your hands on that money
to see it, or feel it, smell it,
touch it. No way. Nada. Okay?
You go down to the jeep,
get the things,
and I will clean up.
As you so graciously offered.
I was just testing to see if I
could trust you. You scored zip.
Zip.
Zip.
Oh, my.
My jeep is gone.
My jeep is gone.
Really?
Well, now, it must've
been stolen.
There's a high rate
of crime around here.
Tell me, was it insured?
What do you mean,
was it insured?
It was parked right here
a couple of minutes ago.
Okay, hold still you jeep.
What's he doing?
That's my jeep.
"T."
Now, I'd make very, very sure before I
accused the One-Eyed-One of stealing.
He has a knife and a temper
as fast as a snake's tongue
and twice as deadly.
Now tell me, all jeeps look alike.
Are you sure that jeep is yours?
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't think it looks
anything at all like my jeep.
Mine didn't have
any writing on it.
Oh, I'm glad.
Poor fellow.
He hasn't been able
to pay his rent in months.
He has to take
any job he can get.
"Taxi." Now "I" or "E"?
Looks like he just went
into the taxi business.
Seems so.
Don't move. "I."
Aye Chihuahua!
No, just a minute. You
stupid jeep, I'll kill you!
Whoa
Hey, One-Eyed, hold it.
Put those away like
a good No, no, no.
Put those away like a good
Don't point that at me.
One-Eyed
One-Eyed, put that away.
In there. There.
There we are. Now
Now, the printing is fine!
Besides, nobody in this
town can read English.
ONE-EYED-ONE:
Are you sure?
Yes, now you put your
taxi back together again.
By the way, congratulations.
We're partners. Fifty-fifty.
(EXCLAIMS)
Sorry, Sommers.
That little weasel is running
out on me. I don't believe this.
Time is of the essence.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(BEEPING)
No, not now, Oscar. Come on.
Yeah, hi.
Jaime, there's been
a new development.
Oscar, I'll have to
call you back on it, okay?
No, no, no. It can't wait.
Our man on the coast tells us
that two enemy agents have landed in
San Rafael and are heading toward Hidalgo.
Now that means that we have
certain information
that these two agents
intend to contact Boylin
and buy the currency
plates from him.
Here in Hidalgo?
That's right.
Down, Max. At least we
know that Boylin is there.
Now, how are things going
with you and Petie?
Petie is going as fast as he can and I'll
let you know where as soon as I find out.
Good. Good luck. Yeah.
No. I love you too, Max,
but listen, I've got work to do.
I can't pet you
all daylong, huh?
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Well, well, well. Where
might you be going, Petie?
And don't tell me
I'm being paranoid.
Alright, Sommers.
This operation is a bust.
Even a smooth operator
like me can't make out
against some maniac
with a steak knife.
They're not my favorite people
either, Petie, but we've got to try.
Now, Oscar says there's some foreign agents
coming here to make a deal with Boylin.
All you have to do is point him out and
we can grab those plates and be gone.
I never seen Boylin in my life.
What?
Look, I'm sorry. You would've
found out sooner or later.
Well, I heard of him, but so
has everybody else in the joint.
He's some sort of
a cult hero in same circles.
When the grapevine says
the OSI is interested in him
then I I used this
scam to get parole.
You mean, you have made up all
of this stuff about working with him?
They were going to kill me.
Oh, so you were just waiting for the minute
when you could grab my money and split, huh?
No, no, no. I was
planning on staying here.
Well that's even better.
You were going to get in tight
with them by telling them who I was.
No. I wouldn't have if you'd
shown me a little affection.
Oh, come on.
Please, please.
If you run out on me, Oscar
will not rest until he catches you,
however, if you stay
and help me,
he will stand behind his deal
for your parole.
Now what do you say?
Gee, I don't know.
You know.
I want your word, Petie.
My word?
That ain't worth nothing.
Why do you think they
call me the Weasel for?
I don't care.
I want it anyway.
This much I'll do.
Stay until we somehow
spot Boylin, okay?
Okay.
Or until we can Until I
can steal back my jeep.
Which ever comes first.
All right?
Fine.
Fine.
You're crazy. You know that?
That's my problem.
My word.
Boy, you really are crazy.
Are your neck hairs high enough yet
for me to start forming a firing squad?
Just about.
Order them shot
if they try and leave again.
Margarita.
Dos.
That's one for him
and two for you.
Do you think
that man could be Boylin?
(SCOFFING)
He could be anybody.
There's got to be some way
we can tell which one he is.
Hi.
Welcome to the jail.
The jail?
Yeah. That's what
this place is.
We're worse prisoners here
than we'd be back home.
We're all serving indefinite sentences,
with no time off for good behavior.
Do you mean you cannot
leave this place if you want?
Yeah. We could all leave. We
don't have any place to go anymore.
Maybe you'll be lucky and won't
pass the reception committee.
Reception committee?
Que'?
There's one for him
and two for you.
Two for me.
Gracias.
Ah, you were saying?
About what?
The reception committee.
Um, yeah.
Gustave's paranoid
about police spies.
They send them in here
sometimes to check up on us.
Gustave always trips them up.
He'll probably question
you both after dinner.
Well, we got nothing to hide.
If you've got nothing to hide,
what are you doing in Hidalgo?
Baby, shall we go up
and freshen up before dinner?
I think you are fresh enough.
No doubt about it.
Is it him?
I wish I knew
what they were saying.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
GUST AVE: No. He's got all the
habits of a man who's served time.
She's the one
that doesn't ring quite true.
There's nothing of
the criminal about her.
She's a police spy.
I'm sure of that.
They're on to us, Petie.
How do you know?
I heard Gustave talking.
How could you hear them
when I couldn't?
It doesn't matter.
He thinks I'm a police spy.
What'd he say about me?
He thinks you're all right.
Gee, he ain't such a bad judge
of character after all.
Petie come on.
We've got a problem here.
What do you mean, "we"?
You've got the problem.
You gave me your word.
Are you going to start with
that again? Well, just forget it.
Petie, they're They're not going to
forgive you for bringing me here, you know?
You're in this as deep as I am.
Well, I'm not going to wait
around for forgiveness. I'm out.
Oh, come on.
Forget it, Sommers.
Hi.
We're surrounded by guards.
I guess I bought the farm, too.
Alright, look, uh
We're not going to
sit around and wait for this.
You go down and talk to Gustave
and I'm going to search the other rooms.
Okay? Come on.
You gentlemen have
no other luggage?
It was a sudden trip.
Well, that's quite all right. Quite a
few of my guests arrive on short notice.
How long will you be staying?
Just for the night.
Well, that's very unusual.
It is?
Ah Good
Ah, we have
a very nice room for you.
Lovely view of the town square.
Here's the key.
One-Eye!
Show these gentlemen
to their room, please.
This is your room.
Bring us two margaritas.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
MAN 1: I hope Boy/in
contacts us quickly.
MAN 2:
Don't worry, my friend,
Five million dollars is a great
deal of money for a freelance thief.
Buen 05 dies.
What're you doing in my room?
Well
Trying to steal the few
things I've got left, huh?
You know what Gustave'll
do to you for this?
It's not what you think.
Please, do not turn me in.
Why should I give you a break?
Because I think
I can help you, huh?
Tomorrow morning I'm going
back to the coast.
If you really want to leave this
place, you can come with me.
You mean it?
Sure.
I can't.
Por qué no?
You don't know what I've done.
I blew my life.
Fell for the wrong guy.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Somebody's coming.
Oh, no. Just be very quiet
and nothing will happen.
They're going to think
I covered for you.
How will they know?
She's in here. Help me.
She's in here. Help me.
She was trying to rob me.
Robbing?
That is a man's work.
I'm taking you
to Sefior Gustave.
Amiguito,
Come here.
Now, stay here.
The girl caught me going through
her room. She blew the whistle.
Petie, we've got to
get me out of this.
Now, I heard
those two agents talking.
They're here to buy the
currency plates from Boylin.
That's disgusting.
How could he sell out
his country for money?
They're starting their offer
at $5,000,000.
Really?
Oh, I hear you were
stealing from my guests.
What were you looking for?
Anything she could find.
Look, you have got to stop this
kleptomania or you will get in trouble.
I try, but the bad habits
are hard to break, you know?
Stop lying. I don't believe
that you're a kleptomaniac,
but I do believe
that you're a police spy.
Her?
She's just a dancer.
A dancer?
Well, my guests get little
enough entertainment as it is,
so you must dance for us.
And I'll feed your fingers to
the iguanas before I kill you both,
if she doesn't dance very,
very well.
Don't worry, she's wonderful.
For a girl that's called
"the Clod of the Flamenco."
Two left feet you know.
With the castanets, all thumbs.
(STAMMERING) She does a
novelty act, and it's hilarious.
Really. She falls
over furniture, whatnot.
Well, if she makes me laugh,
you're in big trouble.
One-Eye, will you go up and
get the other guests, please?
Might as well confess.
What?
I'm sorry, Jaime.
Listen, I've got some information
I think you might find interesting.
Excuse us.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
If you tell me she doesn't
dance, you are a dead man.
I admit, I might've been
taken in by her, too.
Personally, I've never
seen her perform.
If she stinks, she deserves
everything she gets.
That's all you've
got to tell me, huh?
No. Is there a guest here
named Boylin?
There might be.
Well, he's got something really
valuable. We came down here to steal it.
Oh, Petie,
you gave me your word.
What is the object
and how much is the value?
Engraving plates,
and they're worth five
(STAMMERING) $500,000.
$500,000?
Well, that's very interesting.
Ah, One-Eye, bring the
guests right down, please.
Petie, what are you up to?
I set up Gustave into
pointing out Boylin to us,
then I'll go up,
search the room for the plates
while you keep
everyone distracted down here.
Do not double-cross me, please.
GUSTAVE: Ladies and
gentlemen, please hurry.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we
have a rare treat in store for us today.
This charming young lady
is going to dance for us.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
And immediately following that,
we may have a surprise encore.
The execution of a police spy.
How am I going to
fake my way through this?
I want you to go upstairs and
really search Boylin's room.
You are looking
for engraving plates.
I will find them.
Now then young lady,
you will dance. Hmm?
It better be good.
Oh, I hope I can remember
how Carmen Miranda did it.
(MUSIC BEGINS)
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)
He thought he could fool me?
Oh, you are beautiful.
(CRASHING)
How long do I have to
keep this up.
You've got my property, fella.
Your property?
How could you be Boylin?
I'm M's. BOW“.
Hand them over.
Oh, sure
Right here. Right here
WOMAN: She's not bad.
What can I do now?
Petie, please hurry.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Gustave, don't let her get away.
Her partner stole
my engraving plates.
Your plates?
Yeah. I'm Boylin's wife.
He died last month and all he left
me were the plans to steal those plates,
so I did the job myself.
And her partners got them.
Well, so you are a dancer,
police spy, or a thief.
It doesn't matter, in either
case the punishment is the same.
GUSTAVE: Little man!
We have your girlfriend!
You will have until I count ten
to come back and save her.
No girl alive is worth
five million bucks.
You call him.
Add your own appeal.
I said call him!
Petie. Petie, if you can
hear me, keep going.
You can't save me anyway.
That was very foolish.
Stay here.
Little man!
Her life is in your hands!
One, two
I am not bluffing.
I'm going to kill her.
I know it. I know that.
Three, four
This is ridiculous.
five, six
Alright, she's a nice
enough girl, but five million.
seven, eight
I want your word, Petie.
My word.
My word ain't worth nothing.
It never were since
the day I was conceived.
Everybody knows that except her.
She's crazy.
nine
Wait! I'm crazy.
Don't shoot!
Shoot him
as soon as you see him.
I'm coming in. I'm coming in.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Watch out.
After her.
I want those plates.
Petie, wait for me.
Come on.
Not without me, Gustave.
Those plates are mine.
Alright, get in.
We'll negotiate later!
Watch it, One-Eye.
ONE-EYED-ONE: Aye, you stupid
taxi! What's the matter with you?
Come on, come on.
They're getting away.
Don't let her get away.
You jeep
I'm going to teach you.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
We're not going to make it.
Just get going.
I'll stall them.
Wait, wait. Come on.
No. You heard me. Move it.
Listen, don't panic, okay?
When I holler, you jump
in that doorway. And do it.
GUST AVE: Hum; up.
They can't be too far ahead.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Petie, jump.
GUST AVE: One-Eye.
Get me out at this ditch.
Get me out of here!
You stupid jeep. You stupid.
Aye Chihuahua.
Ikillyou!
OSCAR:
You did great, babe.
Could I give Petie
his pardon myself?
Here it is.
Thank you. Oh boy.
Come in, Mr. Regan.
Hi.
Well, hi.
Look at you.
You look terrific.
I think this makes it official.
Going to go straight now, right?
Sure.
You mean it?
Of course.
Give me your word.
Would you stop already
with that word stuff?
I told you
it wasn't worth anything.
Well, it was to me.
Well, maybe a little.