The Muppet Show (1976) s03e21 Episode Script
Roger Miller
Come in.
Roger Miller, 1 5 seconds to curtain, Mr.
Miller.
OK.
Thank you, Scooter.
Kinda quiet around here for a Muppet show.
When do things start jumping? - Oh, just about now! Jump! OK, OK! Next question: When do they stop? It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Roger Miller.
Yay! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? Don't look now, but I think there's penguins among us.
# It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
We're going to do it again.
Here we are and welcome to it, it is The Muppet Show.
I'm Kermit, our special guest star is the one and only, sure-to-please-or-guarantee-your money-back, Mr.
Roger Miller.
But first But first, I ask you to picture life aboard the Mayflower, as it sailed for the New World in 1 620.
What must it have been like? Uh, probably not like this.
Hey, this is terrible.
Take heart, my friend.
- Take heart? Sixty-six days we've been on this terrible boat.
Where're we going? Where are we going? I'll tell you where.
Tell us! # We're Alabamy bound # They'll be no heebie-jeebies hanging 'round # Just gave the meanest ticket man on Earth # All I'm worth # To put my tootsies in an upper berth # Just hear the choo-choo sound Whoo! Whoo! # I know that soon we're gonna cover ground # And then I'll holler so the world will know # Here I go # I'm Alabamy bound # Choo, choo, choo, choo Choo, choo, choo, choo # Choo, choo, choo, choo # I'm Alabamy bound # They'll be no heebie-jeebies hanging 'round # Just gave the meanest ticket man on Earth # All I'm worth # To put my tootsies in an upper berth - # Just hear that lucky sound - # Whoo! Whoo! # To have someone to put my arms around # That's why I'm shouting for the world to know # Here I go # I'm Alabamy Land ho! We've arrived in the new world! It's Plymouth Rock.
And look over there, Ford Rock and Chevrolet Rock.
It's the promised land! # We're Alabamy bound # You know, I thought the Pilgrim Fathers were against showbizness.
They were against entertainment.
This doesn't count.
OK, very nice, pilgrims.
Nice going, penguins.
It is the Pilgrim Penguins.
Ah choo! Gesunheit.
- Thank you.
Wait a second.
Weren't you a penguin just a minute ago? Yeah.
What happened? I don't know, but there's somebody who might.
Gonzo! Yes, Kermit? - Gonzo, you are an expert on chickens.
Uh, well I like to think so.
- OK.
Well, look at this right here.
Wow.
Hey, you're kinda new around here, aren't you? Gonzo, a minute ago this chicken was a penguin.
Yegh! Gosh.
- So how could this have happened? Hah, I think I know.
- What? Well, it looks to me like an outbreak of And I could use a dramatic sting here.
Gonzo, never mind the dramatic sting.
An outbreak of what? An outbreak of Cluckitis! Cluck Cluckitis? Yes.
It's where anybody can suddenly turn into a chicken.
Anybody? - Yes, isn't it terrific? There's another one.
Gonzo, I've got to go on stage.
Don't say anything about this.
Gee, that won't be easy.
Yeah, well, it could disrupt the show, just act normal.
That won't be easy, either.
Oh, boy.
It looks like it'll be one of those evenings.
If we're lucky, it'll be one of these evenings Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the King of the Road, Mr.
Roger Miller.
Yay! # In the summertime # When all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings # I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love # One, two, three, four! # In the summertime # When all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love # Some other time that's what you say when I want you # Then you laugh at me and make me cry # 'Cause you don't want my love # You don't seem to care a thing about me # You'd rather live without me than to have my arms around you # When the nights are cold and you're so all alone # Summertime, when all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love # Once upon a time you used to smile and wave to me # And walk with me but now you don't # 'Cause you don't want my love # Some other guy is takin' up all your time # Now you don't have time for me # 'Cause you don't want my love # You don't seem to care a thing about me # You'd rather live without me than to have my arms around you # When the nights are cold and you're so all alone # In the summertime when all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love Once again now, one more time.
Marvelous.
Thank you all.
It was so lovely.
Arthur! Arthur! - Don't you mean "Author! Author!?" His name's Arthur.
Arthur Miller.
No, it's Roger Miller.
- Oh.
Roger! Roger! Uh Uh, hey.
Have you always been a chicken? Been working pretty hard, huh, boss? Maybe you need a vacation.
- You You heard, huh? Yeah, do you wanna talk about it? - Maybe a little later, Scooter.
Oh Scooter! - Do you wanna talk about it now? Well, uh, listen you'll never understand this, but people are suddenly turning into chickens No! - Hmm.
Er, cluckitis huh? I don't want the rest of the cast to know about this.
Just don't say anything, huh? Yeah, but as soon as I talk they'll know.
Well, so don't talk.
From now on, just make chicken sounds.
I'm going upstairs, just a second, to see how things are upst Wait a minute, Scooter, what's on next? Oh, uh Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck? Scooter.
Bear on Patrol.
He told me to talk like a chicken.
And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
All right, you.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Lighten up.
- Come on.
Sir! Sergeant, I have just captured this dastardly criminal.
Oh, ho! What's the charge? - Assaulting an officer.
Sir.
Did you actually strike this poor patrol bear while he was out ridding the world of evil? Oh I don't know what come over me.
Oh, what a report this will make.
I'd like a complete and accurate description of everything you did.
Complete? - And totally accurate.
What the pig said.
OK.
First I kicked him in the shins.
In the shins, he did.
- Thusly.
Oh! Oh! Oh! That hurt! Not again.
That was like last time.
- thusly.
Is that Is that exactly how you did it? Well, not exactly.
It really was more like this.
Harder.
- Harder? Oh, not again The other one! Very good.
Uh-huh.
And then what? Oh.
Well, then I punched him in the jaw.
Wait.
You don't have to do that Ahh! Punched him in the jaw.
Wait a minute.
This is not right.
- No, you're right.
First I punched you in the jaw Whoa! - and then I kicked you.
You wha Whoa! - Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, very much.
Accuracy is important.
Yeah, well the next thing, was I grabbed him by the collar and I made squishy-squishy with his nose.
Oh, no.
Not that again.
Please don't.
Come on.
- Squishy-squishy Squishy-squishy.
No, no, no, no, no Wait a second, wait a second.
Hold on Patrol Bear.
I think this is all a mistake.
- Well, how do you mean? Well, this man has been very cooperative with the police.
What? - I don't think we should press charges.
Huh? - Sir, you are free to go.
He's wha? - Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Patrol Bear - What? You're a mess.
Can't you do something about your appearance? Hmm.
That will do very nicely, Patrol Bear.
Oh, missed.
Oh, hey, Uncle Kermit.
- Yeah.
Is it true there's an epidemic sweeping the Muppet Theatre, and we are all turning into chickens? - Yes.
Yes, it is true, Robin.
Be quiet about it because I don't want to spread the news around.
Especially, I don't want to worry Roger about it.
Oh.
- It's really embarrassing.
Yeah.
I understand, Uncle Kermit.
Yeah, so if you see Roger, do not tell him that we are turning into chickens.
OK.
- Hi, guys.
What's happening? We're not turning into chickens! I see So you're not turning into chickens, huh? Right! - Ah-choo! Uh, well, hmm Listen, goodbye, Robin! Hello, little chicken.
Come on, let me show you to your coop.
I'll just introduce you, Roger.
Well, I think I'll go on stage and not turn into a turkey.
Roger Miller has written a number of songs with a delightful nuttiness that seems particularly appropriate to our show.
Here he is with one of them, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Roger Miller.
# Hey, kid # Where'd you get the lid? # Where'd you get a lid like that? # If I told you why would you tell me # Where I could find a hat like that # Hey, old chap # Where'd you get the cap? # Where'd you get a cap like that? # If I told you why would you tell me # Where I could find a hat like that - # Oh, a hat - # Oh, a hat - # Is a hat - # Is a hat # And a topper is a topper, and # And you can't top that # So if you got the bread # I say # Why not spend it for something for your head # Oh, hey, Herby where'd you get the derby? # Where'd you get a hat like that? # If I told you why would you tell me where # I could find a hat like that # Oh, give us some songs! # Come, come Come and make eyes at me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Come, come drink some port wine with me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Hear the little German band # Just let me hold your hand, dear # Do, do come and have a drink or two # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Talk about the shade of the sheltering palm # Praise the bamboo tree with its wide spreading charm # There's a little nook down our old Hampstead Town # You know the place it has won great renown # Often, with my sweetheart on a bright summers day # To the little pub there my footsteps will stray # If she hesitates when she looks at the sign # All of you join in a glass of good wine # Come, come Come and make eyes at me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Come, come drink some port wine with me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Hear the little German band # La, la, la, la, la, la, la # Just let me hold your hand, dear # Do, do come and have a drink or two # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Bush, bush # # Rawhide Come in.
- Excuse me, Roger, are you busy? Oh, no, Kermit, come on in.
You know, I'm sorry I haven't had more time to talk to you.
Things have been hectic around here today.
Oh, I understand.
How's the show going, really? Oh fine.
Fine.
Oh? Any problems? - No, no Smoothest show ever.
Good.
Glad to hear it.
- Looking forward to your final number.
Oh, good.
I only hope I don't turn chicken before I do it.
What? What? Why!? I just mean stage nerves.
You know, I always get them.
Oh, oh, good.
- Good? Well, I mean, good that a big star like you still gets chickens I mean, butterflies.
Hey, Kermit, you never guess what happened.
Wait a minute.
I recognize that voice.
Isn't that Lew Zealand? Uh, uh No.
- Yeah! That chicken suit really looks convincing.
Oh, glad you like it.
Golly.
Say, tell me something, Lew, are you still doing that, what you call the Boomerang, the fish Boomerang fish act, is what it is.
Oh, yeah, sure, but I've had to make a couple of changes.
What kind of changes? Well, I'm calling it Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Egg Act.
I see.
How's it go? Well, you see, I throw the eggs away Oh.
- Yey! Whoa! No! I got to say it.
These are the yolks, folks.
Eggs-actly.
Oh, boy, Veterinarian's Hospital, next.
Veterinarian's Hospital.
Gonzo.
- Yes, Kermit.
Hello, ladies.
- Gonzo Yeah, listen - Yes, what? Got that list of everybody who's turned into a chicken? I sure do, Kermit.
Right here.
- OK, let's see.
So far it's Scooter, Animal, Fozzie, Floyd, Janice, Lew Zealand - Will you get out of here, chicken.
Oh, yeah? Chicken this.
Hi-yah! You wanna add one more name to that list? And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.
Cluck, cluck.
The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
More like a dog that's gone to the quacks.
For sure.
Dr.
Bob, chickens do not quack.
They do when they're young.
- They do? Sure.
If you drop an egg, it'll quack.
Oh, wow.
Dr.
Bob are you ready for the first patient? No, I'm ready for the second patient.
What's the matter with the first patient? I don't know.
That's why I want the second patient.
Here she is, Dr.
Bob.
- Oh, no! Another chicken.
Yeah, if they keep bringing in chickens we're going to be here 24 hours.
What do you mean? - We'll have to work around the cluck.
And so, we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say Dr.
Bob, shall we give the chicken a transfusion? No, that won't do.
- Oh, what will do? Cocka-doodle-doo.
These chickens sure make for a different show.
Yeah.
But it'll all adds up to the same old turkey.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Uh, sorry about all this stuff, but some very strange things have been going on tonight, but I think everything is now under control as we once again present our very special guest Ah Ah Oh, darn.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Roger Miller.
Do-Whack-A-Do.]
# Well, I hear tell you're doin' well # Good things have come to you # I wish I had your happiness # And you had a do-wack-a-do Wack-a-do-wack-a-do Do-wack-a-do-wack-a-do # Yeah, I see you goin' down the street in your big Cadillac # You got girls in the front You got girls in the back # And way in the back you got money in the sack # And both hands on the wheel and your shoulders reared back # Well, I hear tell you're doin' well # Good things have come to you # I wish I had your good luck charm # And you had a do-wack-a-do Wack-a-do-wack-a-do Do-wack-a-do-wack-a-do # One night, for no particular reason, I wrote this little song: # Dang me, dang me # They oughta take a rope and hang me # High from the highest tree # Woman, would you weep for me? One more time.
# Roses are red and violets are purple # Sugar is sweet and so is maple surple # Well, I'm the seventh out of seven sons # My pappy was a pistol I'm a son of a gun # Dang me, dang me # They oughta take a rope and hang me # High from the highest tree # Woman, would you weep for me? One more time.
# My uncle used to love me but she died # A chicken ain't chicken till it's lickin' good fried # Keep on the sunny side # My uncle used to love me but she died # Who'll bid me quarter, # Three sixty-five for a dollar bill of groceries # I'll have me a car of my own someday but 'til then I need a ride # My uncle used to love me but she died # My uncle used to love me but she died # A chicken ain't chicken till it's lickin' good fried # Keep on the sunny side # My uncle used to love me but she died # And just some of you might happen to be into buffalos.
# You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # But you can be happy if you've a mind to # You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage # You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage # You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage # But you can be happy if you've a mind to # Now, all you gotta do is put your mind to it # Knuckle down, buckle down # Do it, do it, do it # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't buffalate in a # You can be happy if you've a mind to OK, well, we've just about reached the end of our show, and I must say it has been a foul one.
But, before we go, this is Kermit the Chicken asking for one last round of applause for our guest star, Mr.
Roger Miller! Yay! Thank you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Kermit, you have turned into a chicken, haven't you? Oh, it's so humiliating, Roger.
Everybody has.
You know You know what it is? I think you have cluckitis.
What! You've heard of cluckitis? I had it one time.
It's nothing really for you to worry about, Kermit.
In a few days it'll go, it'll go away and you'll be just like you always were.
But until then you'll look great! Gonzo! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! I bet you were expecting chickens! - Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof.
- Woof, woof.
Roger Miller, 1 5 seconds to curtain, Mr.
Miller.
OK.
Thank you, Scooter.
Kinda quiet around here for a Muppet show.
When do things start jumping? - Oh, just about now! Jump! OK, OK! Next question: When do they stop? It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Roger Miller.
Yay! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? Don't look now, but I think there's penguins among us.
# It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
We're going to do it again.
Here we are and welcome to it, it is The Muppet Show.
I'm Kermit, our special guest star is the one and only, sure-to-please-or-guarantee-your money-back, Mr.
Roger Miller.
But first But first, I ask you to picture life aboard the Mayflower, as it sailed for the New World in 1 620.
What must it have been like? Uh, probably not like this.
Hey, this is terrible.
Take heart, my friend.
- Take heart? Sixty-six days we've been on this terrible boat.
Where're we going? Where are we going? I'll tell you where.
Tell us! # We're Alabamy bound # They'll be no heebie-jeebies hanging 'round # Just gave the meanest ticket man on Earth # All I'm worth # To put my tootsies in an upper berth # Just hear the choo-choo sound Whoo! Whoo! # I know that soon we're gonna cover ground # And then I'll holler so the world will know # Here I go # I'm Alabamy bound # Choo, choo, choo, choo Choo, choo, choo, choo # Choo, choo, choo, choo # I'm Alabamy bound # They'll be no heebie-jeebies hanging 'round # Just gave the meanest ticket man on Earth # All I'm worth # To put my tootsies in an upper berth - # Just hear that lucky sound - # Whoo! Whoo! # To have someone to put my arms around # That's why I'm shouting for the world to know # Here I go # I'm Alabamy Land ho! We've arrived in the new world! It's Plymouth Rock.
And look over there, Ford Rock and Chevrolet Rock.
It's the promised land! # We're Alabamy bound # You know, I thought the Pilgrim Fathers were against showbizness.
They were against entertainment.
This doesn't count.
OK, very nice, pilgrims.
Nice going, penguins.
It is the Pilgrim Penguins.
Ah choo! Gesunheit.
- Thank you.
Wait a second.
Weren't you a penguin just a minute ago? Yeah.
What happened? I don't know, but there's somebody who might.
Gonzo! Yes, Kermit? - Gonzo, you are an expert on chickens.
Uh, well I like to think so.
- OK.
Well, look at this right here.
Wow.
Hey, you're kinda new around here, aren't you? Gonzo, a minute ago this chicken was a penguin.
Yegh! Gosh.
- So how could this have happened? Hah, I think I know.
- What? Well, it looks to me like an outbreak of And I could use a dramatic sting here.
Gonzo, never mind the dramatic sting.
An outbreak of what? An outbreak of Cluckitis! Cluck Cluckitis? Yes.
It's where anybody can suddenly turn into a chicken.
Anybody? - Yes, isn't it terrific? There's another one.
Gonzo, I've got to go on stage.
Don't say anything about this.
Gee, that won't be easy.
Yeah, well, it could disrupt the show, just act normal.
That won't be easy, either.
Oh, boy.
It looks like it'll be one of those evenings.
If we're lucky, it'll be one of these evenings Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the King of the Road, Mr.
Roger Miller.
Yay! # In the summertime # When all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings # I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love # One, two, three, four! # In the summertime # When all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love # Some other time that's what you say when I want you # Then you laugh at me and make me cry # 'Cause you don't want my love # You don't seem to care a thing about me # You'd rather live without me than to have my arms around you # When the nights are cold and you're so all alone # Summertime, when all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love # Once upon a time you used to smile and wave to me # And walk with me but now you don't # 'Cause you don't want my love # Some other guy is takin' up all your time # Now you don't have time for me # 'Cause you don't want my love # You don't seem to care a thing about me # You'd rather live without me than to have my arms around you # When the nights are cold and you're so all alone # In the summertime when all the trees and leaves are green # And the redbird sings I'll be blue # 'Cause you don't want my love Once again now, one more time.
Marvelous.
Thank you all.
It was so lovely.
Arthur! Arthur! - Don't you mean "Author! Author!?" His name's Arthur.
Arthur Miller.
No, it's Roger Miller.
- Oh.
Roger! Roger! Uh Uh, hey.
Have you always been a chicken? Been working pretty hard, huh, boss? Maybe you need a vacation.
- You You heard, huh? Yeah, do you wanna talk about it? - Maybe a little later, Scooter.
Oh Scooter! - Do you wanna talk about it now? Well, uh, listen you'll never understand this, but people are suddenly turning into chickens No! - Hmm.
Er, cluckitis huh? I don't want the rest of the cast to know about this.
Just don't say anything, huh? Yeah, but as soon as I talk they'll know.
Well, so don't talk.
From now on, just make chicken sounds.
I'm going upstairs, just a second, to see how things are upst Wait a minute, Scooter, what's on next? Oh, uh Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck? Scooter.
Bear on Patrol.
He told me to talk like a chicken.
And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
All right, you.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Lighten up.
- Come on.
Sir! Sergeant, I have just captured this dastardly criminal.
Oh, ho! What's the charge? - Assaulting an officer.
Sir.
Did you actually strike this poor patrol bear while he was out ridding the world of evil? Oh I don't know what come over me.
Oh, what a report this will make.
I'd like a complete and accurate description of everything you did.
Complete? - And totally accurate.
What the pig said.
OK.
First I kicked him in the shins.
In the shins, he did.
- Thusly.
Oh! Oh! Oh! That hurt! Not again.
That was like last time.
- thusly.
Is that Is that exactly how you did it? Well, not exactly.
It really was more like this.
Harder.
- Harder? Oh, not again The other one! Very good.
Uh-huh.
And then what? Oh.
Well, then I punched him in the jaw.
Wait.
You don't have to do that Ahh! Punched him in the jaw.
Wait a minute.
This is not right.
- No, you're right.
First I punched you in the jaw Whoa! - and then I kicked you.
You wha Whoa! - Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, very much.
Accuracy is important.
Yeah, well the next thing, was I grabbed him by the collar and I made squishy-squishy with his nose.
Oh, no.
Not that again.
Please don't.
Come on.
- Squishy-squishy Squishy-squishy.
No, no, no, no, no Wait a second, wait a second.
Hold on Patrol Bear.
I think this is all a mistake.
- Well, how do you mean? Well, this man has been very cooperative with the police.
What? - I don't think we should press charges.
Huh? - Sir, you are free to go.
He's wha? - Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Patrol Bear - What? You're a mess.
Can't you do something about your appearance? Hmm.
That will do very nicely, Patrol Bear.
Oh, missed.
Oh, hey, Uncle Kermit.
- Yeah.
Is it true there's an epidemic sweeping the Muppet Theatre, and we are all turning into chickens? - Yes.
Yes, it is true, Robin.
Be quiet about it because I don't want to spread the news around.
Especially, I don't want to worry Roger about it.
Oh.
- It's really embarrassing.
Yeah.
I understand, Uncle Kermit.
Yeah, so if you see Roger, do not tell him that we are turning into chickens.
OK.
- Hi, guys.
What's happening? We're not turning into chickens! I see So you're not turning into chickens, huh? Right! - Ah-choo! Uh, well, hmm Listen, goodbye, Robin! Hello, little chicken.
Come on, let me show you to your coop.
I'll just introduce you, Roger.
Well, I think I'll go on stage and not turn into a turkey.
Roger Miller has written a number of songs with a delightful nuttiness that seems particularly appropriate to our show.
Here he is with one of them, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Roger Miller.
# Hey, kid # Where'd you get the lid? # Where'd you get a lid like that? # If I told you why would you tell me # Where I could find a hat like that # Hey, old chap # Where'd you get the cap? # Where'd you get a cap like that? # If I told you why would you tell me # Where I could find a hat like that - # Oh, a hat - # Oh, a hat - # Is a hat - # Is a hat # And a topper is a topper, and # And you can't top that # So if you got the bread # I say # Why not spend it for something for your head # Oh, hey, Herby where'd you get the derby? # Where'd you get a hat like that? # If I told you why would you tell me where # I could find a hat like that # Oh, give us some songs! # Come, come Come and make eyes at me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Come, come drink some port wine with me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Hear the little German band # Just let me hold your hand, dear # Do, do come and have a drink or two # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Talk about the shade of the sheltering palm # Praise the bamboo tree with its wide spreading charm # There's a little nook down our old Hampstead Town # You know the place it has won great renown # Often, with my sweetheart on a bright summers day # To the little pub there my footsteps will stray # If she hesitates when she looks at the sign # All of you join in a glass of good wine # Come, come Come and make eyes at me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Come, come drink some port wine with me # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Hear the little German band # La, la, la, la, la, la, la # Just let me hold your hand, dear # Do, do come and have a drink or two # Down at the Old Bull and Bush # Bush, bush # # Rawhide Come in.
- Excuse me, Roger, are you busy? Oh, no, Kermit, come on in.
You know, I'm sorry I haven't had more time to talk to you.
Things have been hectic around here today.
Oh, I understand.
How's the show going, really? Oh fine.
Fine.
Oh? Any problems? - No, no Smoothest show ever.
Good.
Glad to hear it.
- Looking forward to your final number.
Oh, good.
I only hope I don't turn chicken before I do it.
What? What? Why!? I just mean stage nerves.
You know, I always get them.
Oh, oh, good.
- Good? Well, I mean, good that a big star like you still gets chickens I mean, butterflies.
Hey, Kermit, you never guess what happened.
Wait a minute.
I recognize that voice.
Isn't that Lew Zealand? Uh, uh No.
- Yeah! That chicken suit really looks convincing.
Oh, glad you like it.
Golly.
Say, tell me something, Lew, are you still doing that, what you call the Boomerang, the fish Boomerang fish act, is what it is.
Oh, yeah, sure, but I've had to make a couple of changes.
What kind of changes? Well, I'm calling it Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Egg Act.
I see.
How's it go? Well, you see, I throw the eggs away Oh.
- Yey! Whoa! No! I got to say it.
These are the yolks, folks.
Eggs-actly.
Oh, boy, Veterinarian's Hospital, next.
Veterinarian's Hospital.
Gonzo.
- Yes, Kermit.
Hello, ladies.
- Gonzo Yeah, listen - Yes, what? Got that list of everybody who's turned into a chicken? I sure do, Kermit.
Right here.
- OK, let's see.
So far it's Scooter, Animal, Fozzie, Floyd, Janice, Lew Zealand - Will you get out of here, chicken.
Oh, yeah? Chicken this.
Hi-yah! You wanna add one more name to that list? And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.
Cluck, cluck.
The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
More like a dog that's gone to the quacks.
For sure.
Dr.
Bob, chickens do not quack.
They do when they're young.
- They do? Sure.
If you drop an egg, it'll quack.
Oh, wow.
Dr.
Bob are you ready for the first patient? No, I'm ready for the second patient.
What's the matter with the first patient? I don't know.
That's why I want the second patient.
Here she is, Dr.
Bob.
- Oh, no! Another chicken.
Yeah, if they keep bringing in chickens we're going to be here 24 hours.
What do you mean? - We'll have to work around the cluck.
And so, we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say Dr.
Bob, shall we give the chicken a transfusion? No, that won't do.
- Oh, what will do? Cocka-doodle-doo.
These chickens sure make for a different show.
Yeah.
But it'll all adds up to the same old turkey.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Uh, sorry about all this stuff, but some very strange things have been going on tonight, but I think everything is now under control as we once again present our very special guest Ah Ah Oh, darn.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Roger Miller.
Do-Whack-A-Do.]
# Well, I hear tell you're doin' well # Good things have come to you # I wish I had your happiness # And you had a do-wack-a-do Wack-a-do-wack-a-do Do-wack-a-do-wack-a-do # Yeah, I see you goin' down the street in your big Cadillac # You got girls in the front You got girls in the back # And way in the back you got money in the sack # And both hands on the wheel and your shoulders reared back # Well, I hear tell you're doin' well # Good things have come to you # I wish I had your good luck charm # And you had a do-wack-a-do Wack-a-do-wack-a-do Do-wack-a-do-wack-a-do # One night, for no particular reason, I wrote this little song: # Dang me, dang me # They oughta take a rope and hang me # High from the highest tree # Woman, would you weep for me? One more time.
# Roses are red and violets are purple # Sugar is sweet and so is maple surple # Well, I'm the seventh out of seven sons # My pappy was a pistol I'm a son of a gun # Dang me, dang me # They oughta take a rope and hang me # High from the highest tree # Woman, would you weep for me? One more time.
# My uncle used to love me but she died # A chicken ain't chicken till it's lickin' good fried # Keep on the sunny side # My uncle used to love me but she died # Who'll bid me quarter, # Three sixty-five for a dollar bill of groceries # I'll have me a car of my own someday but 'til then I need a ride # My uncle used to love me but she died # My uncle used to love me but she died # A chicken ain't chicken till it's lickin' good fried # Keep on the sunny side # My uncle used to love me but she died # And just some of you might happen to be into buffalos.
# You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # But you can be happy if you've a mind to # You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage # You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage # You can't take a shower in a parakeet cage # But you can be happy if you've a mind to # Now, all you gotta do is put your mind to it # Knuckle down, buckle down # Do it, do it, do it # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd # You can't buffalate in a # You can be happy if you've a mind to OK, well, we've just about reached the end of our show, and I must say it has been a foul one.
But, before we go, this is Kermit the Chicken asking for one last round of applause for our guest star, Mr.
Roger Miller! Yay! Thank you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Kermit, you have turned into a chicken, haven't you? Oh, it's so humiliating, Roger.
Everybody has.
You know You know what it is? I think you have cluckitis.
What! You've heard of cluckitis? I had it one time.
It's nothing really for you to worry about, Kermit.
In a few days it'll go, it'll go away and you'll be just like you always were.
But until then you'll look great! Gonzo! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! I bet you were expecting chickens! - Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof.
- Woof, woof.